Ho Ho Hope

I just read my last blog post. Ironically I am in the exact same spot today as I was then. I was doing well Friday night..and Friday at work. I am done with Christmas shopping...mostly. I did not know what to do about my parents or Troy's mom and step-dad. Then, I realized that what they just want right now, in the cold winter, is comfort. So, I am making 'winter comfort/survival' baskets filled with boxes of gourmet soup, assortment of hot chocolate flavors (sugar free for the diabetic step-dad), comforter, movies, and a jar of this wonderful winter dry skin treatment I found made out of soy oil, beeswax and some other flower oil. I may even throw in some aloe socks. I am glad the kids and I got the tree up last weekend. I have not put up my village in the diningroom bow window. Was going to do it this weekend along with baking cookies. I did not do either thing. I have just done the minimum vacuuming, laundry and cleaning in the kitchen. I have done some cooking but no baking. Not sure why I feel so blue and immobile. My muscles are sore in my legs and arms. I just feel blah and can't come out of it. Troy had told me a few weeks ago that there is a bit of a chance the company will expand and send him back here...and since he still has a home here with his family it would make sense. What will be will be. I am not physically able to even have the energy anymore to deal with any of it. I am thinking this is God's will. Troy hasn't been giving me a bad time about the bank account since I started working overtime hours and handling most of the bills myself. So the key seems to be to work myself as much as possible and not want some of his paycheck. He is happier being able to go out after work for dinner with some of his co-workers and have some drinks and go home. I don't expect him to be lonely but then, I don't have money to do anything after I pay the bills. Not that I have the energy for anything... Then again, I guess I stayed home for years and mooched off of him.

Hanging On By My Fingertips

I took my daughter to the doctor at her request to do something about her anxiety. He asked her questions and talked with her then tested her. It seems she has a type of anxiety that makes her over analyze. I was not aware that she suffered so much from anxiety. She has held it in so long and kept it hidden from me for so long...but now I will get her the meds she needs. I want her life to be a better quality. I suffer from the same type of problem. I am hoping that after the first of the year to see a doctor for myself. I have so many issues to address. Some days, like today, I just feel like I can't cope anymore. Today was the worst day I've had in a long time. I have wanted to lash out at everyone around me. I feel like the volcano ready to explode but there is a cork in the mouth of this volcano and the pressure is building. I think the biggest problem is I'm tired. I don't feel well. I feel as if I have no control over my own life. And I have to be patient. I am really hoping that the medicine does my daughter some good. I would like to see her be able to enjoy her life.

A Ghost of a Chance

There is a spirit in our house. We can hear the sound of doors closing in the basement...someone else breathing...yes...someone else breathing. My daughter complains of it. I shut the lights out in my room one night, laid back and closed my eyes then heard someone let out a heavy sigh. I listened to hear if maybe one of the kids had come upstairs but no...they were downstairs in their rooms. The dogs were asleep. I contemplated whether or not it was something worth freaking me out and I just rolled over and went to sleep. Frankly, if the 'spirit' isn't going to hurt me...what do I care? Bethany woke up once when the TV in her room came on. I might have been miffed at the spirit waking me up. Speaking of miffed...it is official...my thyroid is on its last thread of life. I have to find a doctor to take the blood test, and put me on meds. I will worry about having the other half removed surgically until after the beginning of the year. My siblings are trying to work out a 60 year anniversary open house/party for our parents. I just told them to figure it out and let me know. With no thyroid action going on here, I am just way too tired out to even think most of the time. Troy has been quiet. I am jinxing myself here but he hasn't lectured me in a while. I am beginning to believe some of his problem is the chemical mess he made of his brain when he was on crack. He forgets, he is paranoid...and it makes him ornery...and I get the brunt of it. I am used to the paranoid/forgetfulness. My mom's side of the family has that problem...but it was not a problem with them until they were in their late 70's. Troy is only 48. I am seeing a hospice in his near future. The mental ward. Even unmarried I would make sure he was somewhere that he could be taken care of. His family would not care. And I would not let him end up as a homeless mental patient living under a bridge somewhere. And I know by the end of the work day I have a splitting headache and feel like I've been run over, then backed over by a truck. I wonder if I could teach the ghost to give me a backrub?

Mum's the Word

I love both of my kids. I am so proud of who they are as a person, in general. And, yes, I pat myself on the back for it because I took the time to be patient, listen, advise and slowly open the door and ween them off of the apron strings. I have taken criticism over the years for how I have done things with them. "my kids do this/that already...I can't believe you don't make them do this/that!" "do you still cut their food for them?" "You have to LET them grow up sometime!" You know what? I am a GOOD mom. I don't hover, I don't control...I let the rope out slowly. I know that doesn't sound right but it is kinda it. I don't have a rope on them really. All ppl are not the same. I want my kids to succeed and I am a big believer in the idea that the brain does not fully mature until 25. That does not mean that I want them to live with me until they are 25. With the anxiety issues they have had throughout their lives I could not see them going away to college and handling it. If either of them had CHOSEN to go away to college then I would have prepared them for it but neither of them was comfortable with it, yet. I think it is a good thing that they can go out into the world and then come back to a familiar comfortable place. I encourage them making their own decisions and they will ask me for my perspective on the situation. We will take time to talk through possible outcomes...goals...and then I walk away and let them decide what they want to do and how they want to get there. I do not push them in any direction...unless I can definitely see a crash up ahead. I will set out the warning lights. My daughter always takes the more cautious route. My son has had to be in a couple of crashes before he would start paying attention to the flashing caution lights. I am so proud of him though! I think about him in 7th grade, 8th grade, 9th grade, 11th grade...the panic attacks...his worries that he would never have a normal functioning life...his depressions...the terrible things he has been through at the hands of psychotic ppl...and now he has a 4.0 grade point average...working a part-time job...running around a wrestling show with a camera and editing pay-per-views...doing stand-up comedy at a local club about once a month...and has an amazing gf. She really is. She has anxiety issues too but she supports everything my son wants to do. Even if she doesn't like it herself (i.e...the wrestling). He thinks it is cool they can disagree about things and she says, "It's just a disagreement...we can work it out. Not worth breaking up over." He is used to the gf that disagrees with him then says, "I don't think we should be together." I kept telling him that if he was patient and had faith God would hook him up with the right girl. As for Bethany...she needs a job. One thing at a time. I am putting in for other jobs. The huge conglomerate that bought out the company that I worked for..well..let's just say I know what's coming and I knew it before I was hired. WHATever. Today...I am 53. No big. It is a wonderful day. Sunshine...perfect temperature...fall in the air...and I have an SUV full of mums waiting to be planted. Had Tim Horton pumpkin cappuccino and pumpkin nut muffin with Bethany, Amy and Amber while working out the October calendar of events to come. I also had a nice long heart-to-heart with my son last night. It is a good day. I am going to enjoy every ray of sunshine.

Inadequate

I felt a panic attack coming on...seemingly out of nowhere. I was cleaning and taking stock of what I still needed to do around the house. Then I started feeling overwhelmed..then depressed because I am just not doing enough. I could handle things around here and get things done when I was here...not working outside the house. I don't know how other ppl do it! They work and get things done around their house...they go places and do things. I feel like a plop...a failure. I get frustrated with so much. I have a bachelors degree...lots of different and various kinds of work experience. I am good at listening to people and figuring out what is needed. Yet...I can get nowhere. I know God has His timing and He is working things out for me. Patience has never been anything I've been good with. I have faith...but if I let myself think too much it all seems overwhelming to me..then I get anxious...depressed. Then I just feel like a failure. I expect a lot out of myself...and the pressure I put on myself is overwhelming. My cousin Pamela is an accountant. No college...tech high school. Worked her way up. Her first marriage was a guy who went to law school. She hung on to him and helped him through high school to overcome his drinking problem...supported him through college...then when he passed the bar and got a job, he boinked his secretary and got her pregnant. She waited a long time to get married again. The husband she has now has a decent job as a mechanic and they have a group of friends they ride motorcycles with almost every weekend. They are happy. I want happy. A real partner.

Exercise Your Options

I don't know if this girl my son is dating is "the One" but they are both young. She has some growing up to do. I'm glad that he is not letting himself be jerked around like he used to do. I started using the elliptical again. Just a bit each day at first. But I'll get there. I used it yesterday before I made dinner for later..then went off to the outlet mall with my daughter and her friends so she could do some shopping with her bday money from me and her father. Yeah...you read that right. He transferred some money for me to give her. wow. Anyway...my hips got to hurting as I was walking from store to store. I blame it mostly on my shoes. They need better insoles. I made dinner ahead of time for two reasons: 1) so TJ could have something to eat before he went off to his internship/cameraman non-paying gig for the night; 2) I knew I would be too tired to want to cook when we got home. I made chicken and broccoli fettucini alfredo and had some fresh baked Italian bread. We got home, the girls set the table while I reheated it. We sat down to eat and joke. They all kept calling me "mom" and Amber said, "wouldn't that be cool if your really were our mom?" I just said, "not sure your moms would think it so cool...but thanks." TJ seems to like going and doing a comedy routine at the local comedy club on open mic night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAx0ILEtqxU Bethany and I are planning on signing up for the Saturday morning TurboKick classes and Tuesday night beginners Yoga. Maybe that will help me get rid of some of me. Glad she suggested doing this together. Spend time with her while I can.

DNA

For all the books I've read about human nature and why people act the way they do...I still do not understand. Well, I do...but I don't. I understand there are lots of mental differences and it is shaped by DNA and outside influences. I am finding that DNA makes even more of a difference than outside influences. Wish I knew then what I know now. It's kinda like you can do everything just right as far as what you eat and exercise but if cancer is in your DNA, guess what... I am a good person...I treat everyone the same...in the beginning. Until I find the true person. Then I make up my mind as to how much time and effort a 'relationship' will get...full time...sometime...casual...cut off. I think this relationship with my husband needs to be cut off. I blamed myself for too many years thinking I was just terrible at relationships. I thought it was true that I was a bad wife. But now that I have the time to sit and think about EVERYTHING I realize he is just so WRONG. Where he made his major mistake was...when I lost my job at the kindergarten (long story and I was SO glad to leave!) and he met me in the garage as I arrived home...and then gave me this long, loud lecture about how disappointed he was in me. I "didn't try" 3 months later he was fired from his job. Did I do that to him? I could have (and don't think I didn't give it a few seconds consideration)...but that is not who I am. I hugged him, told him it would be okay...I was here for him...we would get through it together. For a few months he was this nice, generous person...helpful at home and with volunteer work at church. Then he got another job and it was like 180. I quit. I resent him for it. I am not a quitter but I actually have come to realize how much I like me and I like me enough NOT to subject myself to him and THIS for the rest of my life.

The Voice

I have a new thing I need to do now...everytime I go to the store and buy something, I have to scan the receipt and send it via email to the guy to whom I am legally stuck. I am sick and tired of him calling me up and questioning why I spent what I did at the grocery store. He hangs up on me when I stick up for myself and let him know what an ass he's being. This is NOT going to last much longer. I am NOT going to spend one day of my life in Wichita with him. He has done so many destructive things to himself and his family...but don't bring it up cuz we are supposed to get over it and pretend it never happened. He has put me down, demeaned me and never sees anything wrong with himself. It is ALL me...or someone else. I made it through work today. The customers no longer get to me. The 'stories' they tell me about their lives now make me roll my eyes into the back of my head. That by no means makes me a bad person. They are just overly dramatic and lay it on too thick to be believable. "I was out of town for the last month cuz my uncle died and my brother was in a car wreck then my appendicts burst and now I find this letter that says my electricity is going to be disconnected tomorrow for nonpayment. Can I get an extension?" No...there is NOTHING you can do except pay the freaking bill!!! of course, I put it a whole lot nicer than that. And I use a very nice voice to do it with. My daughter was laughing at me when I demonstrated 'the voice' to her. The problem with 'the voice' sometimes is that guys actually flirt with me on the phone. REALLY? You can't pay your bill, or can't scrape up the deposit money on a one bedroom apartment but you are trying to pick up some chick on the phone that you can't even see. yuk. 'the voice' does keep the mean ppl from really being mean. They hear the soothing voice and they instantly calm down. Really. it happens. Anyway, I made it through today and left work feeling pretty good! Opened the windows, opened the moonroof, turned on the IPod and was playing ELO and Foo Fighters...moving along real good! Stopped at the local grocery to buy some sushi, ice cream, apple ale and great lakes oktoberfest beer. Heading out to the car looking forward to dinner with the kids when the cellphone rang and right away I started hearing 'the lecture' on how to manage money. blah blah blah. When I told him I didn't need to keep hearing the lecture, he told me it was ME that started it and kept it going. He hung up on me when I pointed out it was he who called me and started lecturing ME. When I got home I sent him a text, "I bought ice cream, beer and rented a movie...none of which was necessary" Of course it was like poking the angry dog behind the fence. I am praying for a miracle just so I can put this pathetic excuse for a marriage out of its misery...and mine. Our kids have not called him or texted him since he was home last. They don't want to cuz they know if they do he will turn anything they say into a negative and a lecture. sad. even sadder...he hasn't called or texted either one of them.

Morphine or LessPhine

I am kinda tired of the constant pain. I know what most of it comes from...my lower back...it is not happy with having to sit in that chair at work for 8 hours a day...sometimes longer. It is not happy so it moves the nerve pain up my back, into my arms...and down the back of my legs. I know I will figure out a solution sooner or later. I stretch but I need to find the right exercise to make it all feel better. Tonight my son is doing a comedy routine at a local comedy club. It is open mic night. He did a routine for talent show at his college last winter and got second place. His classmates and friends have been pushing him to try this. He did his routine for me and some of it really made me laugh, some of it was mildly amusing. He went to his girlfriend's today before he took off for the club. He told me not long before he had to be at the club that he was REALLY nervous. I am envisioning back to his teen years when he used to have panic attacks and collapse. He has come SO FAR since then. He is out there, goes places, speaks in front of rooms full of people, has done radio spots...but I am worried that tonight might be his waterloo. I give him props for trying to broaden his horizons. I haven't heard anything from him as to how it went. Kinda bothers me. I mastered a new skill today. I put new screen into some screens from my sunroom. The dogs had shredded some of them. I bought some dog proof screening...which seems to be a bit thicker than regular screening so it was much more difficult to get the rubber gasket back in. It really hurt my already painful hands. But...I did it. And it looks nice. Tomorrow is back to the phones...

Type Cast

I answer the phone at work and hear, at least 5 times, if not more, customers telling me other CSR's in my department that they have talked with 'that were just mean', 'have no business being in customer service'. I am an analyzer. And because of my analyzing of human nature, thought processes, influences, etc, I tend to give lots of leeway. Because of all of that I try to see things from both sides and be understanding. Here is the problem with customer service: as a CSR, we listen to people of all types (self centered, in denial, frustrated, desperate) call in and are angry, yelling, wanting an instant solution to their problems...just one thing. Because of ppl and family problems that I have been in contact with over the years, I can recognize a lot of things and types. I listen. I also recognize that a lot of the people I work with are doing just that...working. I have had some of them tell me "It's just a job...a paycheck". We have a time limit to which we have to adhere inorder to not only keep our job but to get extra pay at the end of the month. That bonus at the end of the month will make my car payment. I meet that goal only because of the instant call back system. Some ppl call in and do not want to wait for us so they choose to have us call them back. By the time the system sends up a call back and get them on the phone, we get answering machines/voice mail. I leave a msg to let them know we called back, and hang up. It helps drive down my average call handle time. Therefore, at the end of the month, I'm good. I get my bonus and pay for my car. I need those short call backs to level out all the time I spend on the phone with the customers that choose to wait. A lot of my fellow workers try to keep ALL their calls under 3 minutes. I am not focused on the timer, but the customer. I listen to them until their string runs out, then use a calming tone to talk to them. While they are talking I 'hear' what the problem really is. If there really is nothing more I can do for them, I help them to accept that 'it is what it is' and it will change and get better. I also know that some of my fellow workers are burned out and their tone on the phone makes them sound 'mean' and uncaring. Some of them are all cared out. I just bury the angst deeper. I put one foot in front of the other with my focus on that light at the end of the tunnel. This world is nothing but a test.

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

Cuddle Bear

Sitting here watching a sad movie..."Now Is Good".  I realized something...why I am depressed...why I just quit on my marriage.

No, I did not quit because he spent most of his free time away from work hanging out with his friends and showing up just to sleep and occassionally grab something to eat...and complain that I was tired.  No, I did not give up because he yelled about things most of the time and never really took the time to understand anyone in his family.  No, I did not give up because he started smoking crack, lost his job, left us by ourselves, took us into bankruptcy.  Actually, what I did admire was that he pulled himself out of that and got back on his feet.  yes...admire...in a twisted way.

I gave up because there was no intimacy.  He had no idea how to do it..even though I talked to him about it for years.  He said he didn't know what to do to make me happy.  Well...no one can MAKE me happy however, there are things that would help me feel closer and more secure...like I mattered. 

There was 2 things I wanted: sex BEFORE 11 (cuz by 11 I'm fading and I am a morning person) AND to sit with his arms around me..HOLDING me...without it ALWAYS turning into a grope fest.  I just started ducking out on it altogether.  Ironically he complained that I didn't hug him.   I WANTED to hug him...but I wanted a HUG. 

Also, I did not appreciate being talked to half the time like the help.  AND he didn't understand what I meant when I asked him if there was anything I did correct...in his eyes.

It is sad when his offspring get it...but he does not know what WE are talking about.

I talked to him yesterday and said, "perhaps tomorrow morning it will be dry enough to mow the lawn."  He said, "you haven't mowed the lawn yet???"  wow...he's in Wichita and still not happy.  Pardon me bu-u-u-dy but it has been RAINING!  Had a stream running down the road earlier.  My sister said she had a moat around HER house.  It will get mowed when it gets mowed.

My first fiance wasn't much better.

I really am not a bad person.  May not be the neatest person on earth.  But I do what I can do and try to take care of the ones in my life.  I have a weird sense of humor but I use it to defuse tense situations...or just because something hits me sideways and I find it completely idiotic.  But...that is me. I sometimes go off in a last minute manic direction with something like Laurelei Gilmore.  None of that makes me a bad person...and I would just LOVE to have found someone that found me to be just fine they way I am and not get irritated by me and make me feel bad about who I am.  That never happened. 

Too late now.  Not because I'm dying but because I would not care to even try to FIND someone anymore.  I just really do...not...care.  I am where I am and it is what it is.

I tried to make adjustments to what he wanted...how we dealt with each other inside and outside the bedroom...and how I took care of everything else around the house and with the family.  He did not listen to me.  But....it's my fault.  I'll take it. 

Life is my fault.  I still want to sit on the couch, with someone's arms around me while watching a goofy movie.  Looks like I'll have to settle for a sweater.

Fireworks

I can see the fireworks from my sunroom.  They set them off at the city park a couple of blocks away.  But I didn't watch them this year.  I stayed in the house, shut the windows and turned the air conditioner on.  I was the only one here with the dogs...and they are all very scared of the fireworks.  They could still hear the booming and sat at my feet and shivered for the half hour they lasted.

I texted with my son to find out what their day was like at the grandparents'.  He told me they all went to the spillway (half hour ride).  It is loaded with so many fish it is like a fish carpet.  Then he told me they were going to a popular local pizza place fashioned out of an old covered bridge called "Covered Bridge Pizza".  Imagine that.  THEN he said they were going to Geneva-on-the-Lake.  That kinda scared me.  I hung out there on summer nights with friends when I had graduated from school.  There was a biker bar at each end of the strip then but in between was a Dairy Queen, bingo parlor, go carts, mini-golf and a video game arcade.  Things have changed drastically since then and I really do not know what to expect of that place anymore.  I told him to keep the girls close because it is full of bikers and drugs.  I know not all bikers are nasty...I know quite a few bikers.  And I know enough of them to know the odds are that a biker can't be trusted around your cute young daughter.

So, with that bit of knowledge from my son concerning their agenda for the evening, when my mother called me crying my heart sank.  "MOM! WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT HAPPENED?" Then she told me that one of my cousins had called...so I thought 'Aunt Joy died?' but no...Aunt Joy's oldest son had died...suddenly...no warning.  Massive heart attack and gone.  After my mother settled down, I had to tell her that while I feel badly about cousin Greg, she gave ME a heart attack calling me up crying when my kids were THERE and I immediately thought something had happened to one of them! 

I can't imagine what Aunt Joy must be feeling.  Her husband died about 3 years ago.  Now her oldest son.  Aunt Joy is about 85...or 6.  Possibly a bit older.  I lose track.  Kinda wondering how she is taking the news.  This may be the thing that puts her under. 

As for me...I'm still feeling drained.  Emotionally, physically.  I am SO TIRED of the anxiety/depression phases!  I want some joie de vivre! 

Dear God...I know you listen...and I know you are working on my life.  But could you fill me with a little joie de vivre?  I want to know what that is.  I know that the lineage from which I come was not exactly hard wired for such a thing BUT You are able to do anything.  So, please, send me some.  And, not to be greedy, but could you send me a year's supply..with an automatic refill?  Thank you for listening...and thank you in advance for hooking me up.

Hell Freezes Over...The Eagles

That moment.  That moment when you realize that 30 years have gone by and there were so many meandering roads you took from the main road that you have ended up somewhere you don't recognize.

I fought so hard to keep it all together and kept putting myself on the back burner...and I really don't regret it.  I don't.  It was my choice.  And while it may be difficult trying to get myself up to speed in this world again,  as long as I can keep moving forward and keep trying, then I know I'm not dead yet. 

Things are weird at work.  People have been getting fired and 'walked out'.  First it was our floor...just a very few there.  The next week it was the first floor management and contractors.  The day before the axe fell on the management, the manager of our department called me into his office.  I thought, 'great...now I won't even have a part time job."  Instead, he offered me a fulltime position and asked me if I could begin right away.  So, I did.

I really like most of the people I work with.  Even the stuck up be-otch that works on the supervisor platform has actually started speaking to me.  ha!  And Taylor Swift has lunch the same time I do and heaven knows why she likes me but she waits to corner me in the lunch room so that she can share that hour with me. 

Troy is now in Wichita.  I ordered furniture, a vacuum, and kitchen ware and had it delivered so when he got there he would be able to settle in.  His apartment is in a complex on a golf course.  It is gated.  And he left here knowing that our relationship is stalled.  He gave up...I gave up.  We are...not sure what.  Friends?  I care about him and what happens to him.  I take care of him...still.  I did things around here as he wanted them.  Just to keep the peace.  He did things to help out and give me some clue that he cared about me.  But we lost that intimacy.  It/s as if we are moving around each other...going through motions.

And now he is gone.  He left 2 days ago.  We have talked on the phone.  I cried most of the night the night he left.  I barely made it through work the next day.  I'm sad that things have ended up this way.  I'm scared because I don't know why I feel SO bad!  Or am I scared because it is wide open and I really don't know what to expect? 

A few things God has taught me all of these years...there is no plan and there is no way of skipping ahead or getting somewhere FAST.  well, God has a plan but it really doesn't do any good to make your own plans.  They will be put through a blender and when you get them out, it is a mess. Plain and simple. 

SO...having learned all of that, I take a deep breath and try NOT to figure it out.  The path will appear before me, one brick at a time, like magic.    All I have to do is breathe. 

I know what I would like to do, to a certain extent.

Out of habit, when I came home from work yesterday, I started to do something not because it is what I wanted to do, but because it was something that Troy wanted to be done, in a certain way.  Then I stopped myself and thought, "he's not here and it doesn't matter."  There will be lots of moments like that.

Today on FB, I had two chats going at once.  The ironic part of it was that I was basically giving the same advice to both ppl.  It was my son TJ and my best friend Jackie.  She couldn't figure out why a guy that she had spent 5 years of her life with, then tossed her out, would barely look at her while his family were so nice and treated her like family.  Why she felt guilty about anything...what she had done. 

In the other chat my son is lamenting over not having a steady gf and he is in a hurry to get his life started.  And I had to tell him that life is not a race.  God has plans for him and he has to learn to enjoy those around him and not let his 'misery' steal his time.

As for Jackie...told her if she felt guilt she was doing it.  That guy is unhappy with himself and lets it kill the light around him.  As for his family, they like her, despite him.  And she needs to accept that.

The thing I told them both?  "that relationship was not the right one.  You have to accept that and let go of it. It was a learning experience.  Open your eyes to what is around them and expect there will be something good waiting for you."

As for me, I feel like there will be something else, yet.  Notice I didn't say someONE else.  Not sure if that is going to happen.  It may...may not.  I have time now to figure me out and heal ME.  Will pray that I keep my eyes open so that I may see which path to take.

I have sadness..feel defeat.  BUT I have to let the joy rise to the top.  Learn to feel the joy of everyday ppl and things.  Try not to let the changes pull me into the deepness.

One Big Drop

I need to pull out of this.  I can't even tell you what 'this' is.  I just know every since my daughter's open house, I have been doing the bare minimum.  Not even sure if I can claim that.

There is nothing to feel so depressed about.  Not even sure I can call it depression.  more in like in a holding pattern.  It will be fine...as long as I can at least keep the job I have.  That job will pay for my car and cell phone and buy the groceries.  I hate that I will have to rely on part of his income....nothing against him.  It just makes me feel like a failure.

When it comes down to it...I've carried that attitude about myself.  Two guys  that I graduated from HS with and they graduated from college with teaching degrees just like me...are now retiring from teaching.  They put in their 30 years and now they are done.  I dropped the ball.  And for years I have looked at myself in the mirror and wondered how I got there.

I told my husband that, while I am happy for him getting this job, I am also jealous.  He went to college, while I was working, and got out and jobs came easy to him.  Of course, he found the right ppl to schmooze...but still.  I still don't know where I belong.  And at my age (and weight) it is difficult to get a decent paying job. 

I need a time machine to go back and start over...from the day I started college.  AND I would get to take back the knowledge I have now about the process.

Growing a Life

I am thinking I am going to have a lot more to do.  "What television?" 

I am already finding myself doing a lot more at church.  I told Pastor Brian on Sunday that if he found he needed help with anything, just msg my FB page and let me know what he needs and I will let him know if it is something for which I have time.  Got my first msg tonight.  The Salvation Army food pantry truck is coming in tomorrow morning and he seems to be short on help.  Wednesday is my day off so...I will be helping to stock the food pantry shelves.  My daughter is going with me.

Then Saturday he is putting on a kids' carnival in a low income neighborhood.  Of course he needs more help.  Of course I'll be there.  THEN the 3rd Sunday of every month he takes a church van full of food from the food pantry to a very very poor neighborhood in the next town and hands out food.  This Sunday is the 3rd Sunday of the month...and he needs help.  Again...there I'll be.  (btw...he's not that much older than my son...so don't be thinking in that direction.  He is young...geekie and has the most wonderful, humorous wife!)

I find it quite interesting sometimes that no matter how many people there are in a church, there are always a small core of volunteers.  In the church I attend, there are people that will pick up the slack for various things.  It just seems that Brian has a lot of projects going that the people are finding a difficult time keeping up with.  When Pastor Brad is trying to put together a volunteer rescue group, there is always enough people for that sort of thing.  I don't travel.  Not even to New Orleans.

I filled out and sent 2 applications tonight for full time jobs.  One of the jobs I applied for just to get full time work NOT where I am now and it is closer to home.  But it is not a job that I will be dancing on the cloud happy with.  The other job is something more exciting..I would have to drive further to work than I do now but it would be worth it!  AND the latter job would pay me enough to take care of ALL the financial obligations here by myself.  I could relax.

Troy seems to have found himself the perfect apartment...on a golf course.  Golf games are free.  It also has a pool, game room (pool table), clubhouse, and a washer/dryer in the apartment.  It is actually affordable.
So, he may have a pretty good time on his own

It's all in what you want out of life.  I kinda like it where I am.  I will grow a new life.

Whine...Not Just for Drinking

Just when I think that I might actually miss the spouse when he leaves for Wichita...then he acts like HIM.

I got up at 5:30 (cuz that's when his alarm goes off and he's in the shower) and packed his lunch...that included making a fruit salad.  I made the coffee.  He grabbed it and left.  I then packed MY lunch, got a shower, ate some breakfast, fed the dogs, then drove through the pouring rain and traffic to my own job...where I had to listen to phone call after phone call of nasty, crazy ppl calling me everything but green...drive home in the backed up traffic...only to have him get home slightly after me and complain that he had to help make dinner AND complain that he had to eat his fruit salad with a spoon because I didn't pack a fork.

wah. AND then he wanted to argue with everyone at the dinner table because none of us know anything...he's the all knowing.

yeah...good times.  good times.

The only thing I'm really freaking out about is what the financial situation is going to be like. 

I keep sending out resume's and applications; praying that something good happens. 

This is me...being brief about it because I really don't want to think/talk about any of it much.  I am just trying not to think about too far ahead because if I do I'll FREAK.  I have lots of offers of  'call me if you need to talk' and some of them are really insistant on wanting to talk to me about it...and I don't want to.

I have also had lots of 'offers' of extra rooms for me to come and visit with them in various parts of the country.  HELLO!  I have a job.  No one has THAT much vacation time!

24 Years

The end of July will be 24 years of marriage.  24 years.  If I sit and fathom the time...look back over what we have been through...really remember what our marriage has been like, it is hard.  It is painful.  I don't place all the blame on him.  I obviously did not know how to be married, either.  His approach to the marriage was more like he could still do what he wanted to, when he wanted to, and the big part about being married was helping to support a wife and a family.  Once he earned a paycheck and deposited it into the bank, he'd done his duty.

He is who he is and I am who I am.  I deal with ppl as individuals, not a lump sum.  He does not understand anyone thinking/acting any differently than he.   I understand that everyone is different, can handle different things, struggle through other things.  It is why we have scientists and football players.  Not everyone can be a teacher.  Not everyone can be a soccer player.  Not everyone can be the President of the United States..successfully...as demonstrated by Barack Obama. (yes, I went there...my opinion...just a little levity).

For instance, my son's first job was a bust.  He got a job with Kohl's working in the back room as an unloader.  He was too slow for them.  So he tried stocking shelves.  He was still too slow for them.  It was a stress for him...so he quit.  He eventually found another job and he stuck with it for quite a while until he got the part time job that  pays for his gas to get back and forth to class and for the occassional date.

Bethany started a job with McD's.  It is the busiest fastfood place in our town.  It caused her panic attacks.  So I told her it is up to her if she stays or not but the trainer might be more appreciative if she quits during training so she isn't wasting her time.  And the trainer WAS appreciative...thanked Bethany for coming in when she did and being honest.  She also asked Bethany if there was something she could do to make things better for her.  Bethany thanked her for asking but no.

There are other jobs out there that my daughter can do that won't cause panic attacks.  She is a good kid and is not lazy.  She is filling out more applications for jobs that are a better fit for her.  Troy is angry with me.  That I 'allowed' her to quit.  Frankly, I really don't understand the idea of putting someone through the torture of sticking with a job that is causing them such problems...especially when they don't HAVE to have that job.  I don't dare point out to him that he had a job that caused him major stress and anxiety not so long ago and he dealt with it by smoking crack, getting fired, and leaving his family. 

Perhaps him going off to Wichita will be a good thing.  I am just afraid that I will like it too much not having to deal with him everyday. 

I must admit, I will miss having another adult my age in the house.  Someone to hang out with now and then...interact with.  I need a friend close by.  It's weird that I don't have one of those...a friend close by.  My closest friend, Jackie, is on the other side of the state.  I suppose I should get to be more involved with the Women's Ministry group at church.  They hang out and do things.  I used to be part of it but I quit when it got to a point where they were doing a lot of baby/wedding shower planning.  I hate that stuff.  But, I guess, take the boring with the interesting.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

One of my favorite movies...don't know why.  And one of my favorite bands is/was the Gin Blossoms.  One of their songs was played during the scene where he was chasing her down...she was in a cab leaving the city to go to the east coast, he was on a motorcycle trying to stop her. The song was "Follow You Down". 

That song reminds me of my life with Troy since he got out of school.  AND I think I jinxed my life by putting what I did in my last post about him waiting to hear from Wichita about the job.  They called this evening and offered him the job.  But they are still dickering about $. 

The problem is...I'm happy for him but I'm not happy in general.  We have gone through SO MUCH...and I've put up with a lot from his misbehavior.  I have prayed SO HARD for God to work things out so that there would not be another upheaval involved.  Guess God had other ideas.

I have had faith...followed....and listened.  Done things contrary to how I wanted to do them or did not do things I felt like doing all because God directed me differently.  I have not understood most of it.  Are we supposed to?

God has blessed us in many ways and in many ways life has been a challenge.  I thank Hiim for His blessings and cry to Him in times of challenge and trouble.  This is one of those times when the human in me is angry. 

Life with Troy has never been easy.  He has gone his own way according to what he felt like doing so many times.  He gets no points for not actually abandoning his family.  He abandoned us in other ways.  Sure, he worked to keep a roof over our heads.  but he didn't work to get to know us or take much of an interest.  He only wanted things his way and let us know constantly.

I am not sure how all of these changes are going to work out.  I just know there is going to be major change.  Troy is not happy that I am not thrilled with the changes.  He is mad at me for being unhappy about it.  Tough.  I have supported him in more ways than some women would.  I am at a point in my life where I should be ALLOWED to express my true feelings. 

Go off to Wichita, Troy.  Enjoy that job...climb the ladder.  I will be here with the kids as they get through college and start their first jobs.  I wish you well.  I will do what I can to support myself and the 3 dogs.  I hate to lose this house I've put so much work into..but what will be will be.

Fibber My Algae

The weather today is the most perfect weather to have the day off!  I can sit in my sunroom and enjoy it!  Last year the weather was too unpleasantly hot from end of April through to fall to sit out here.  I open a few windows, turn on the overhead fan to circulate the already lovely cool breeze throughout.  The dogs love it out here too.  They run outside for a while, then come in and lay here and cool off...then back outside.  Nice to see them out there running off the winter fat.  I know...I should too.  but I don't run.  ever.  If someone tried to chase me with a knife...I'd probably just find something to fling at their head rather than run.

After all of that work on the house, yard, the open house...overly emotional for my daughter's graduation...by Sunday night I was physically ill. It actually started Friday...the over all pain...the foggy brain.  It was hell in a jar at work Friday. I just could not cut through the fog to think!  and the pain made me want to cry.  I have NEVER had an 'episode' with my fibromyalgia like this.  It is the worst and longest one ever.  I need some 5 hour energy.  The massive amount of B vitamins in that opens up the blood vessels and the stronger surge of blood flow seems to quell the pain somewhat.  Troy gave me permission to use my day off from work to do nothing.  HA!

So far the only thing I've done is some applications.  And that was easy...sat in the chair while watching the morning news and clicked and sent.  LOL!  I have a cousin that would not hold a job because she said her fibromyalgia made it too hard.  The worst thing you can do with this affliction is NOTHING.  I refuse to give it control of my life...or take it away from me.  Advil and 5 hour energy are my friends when it gets too bad.

As for the open house...we ran out of a lot of food.  It was only an hour into it and the seafood cups I made and the pulled pork we brought, and the pasta salad I made were goners.  The lettuce salad was almost gone.  Pam still had lots of sliders and hotdogs left.  I was so glad I brought a meat and cheese tray!  We also had plenty of potato salad.  My mother had baked at least 60 dozen cookies.  by the time the thing was over, we might have had 2 1/2 dozen left.   We have plenty of cake, though.  They just weren't cake eaters I guess.  My punch was drained in less than an hour.  We had lots of iced tea and lemonade.  Pam had not wanted the punch. 

Lots of ppl!  Some of my family that came saw our home for the first time.  We have lived here almost 5 years and this is the first time that my brother and oldest sister have been here.  Probably the last time, too. 
It was just nice to have everyone together.

My SIL was being her usual bratty self.  I just ignored her.  I let Troy deal with her.  His sister.

I cried through most of Bethany's graduation.  My baby...last one.  And today she is experiencing her first day of work.  McDonald's.  Where else can a 17 year old get job experience?  LOL  As of next Friday, she is on her own as far as putting gas in her car.  I haven't had to put gas in it too many times, though.  She mainly sticks close to home and the thing is gentle on gas use.  She will also be on her own as far as her wardrobe.  There's a big savings right there!

Troy is still waiting on word from Wichita.  I told him that if a company has the opening, and they are taking so very long to fill it AND they are expanding, it just may be that they are doing some adding on and reshuffeling of personnel.  He may get a job with them in a whole new position that they added on.  Or...not.  But from what I remember from HR classes, in an expanding company, it means they are reorganizing.

In the meantime, he is submitting other applications.

Who knows where it all will lead?

Rearview Mirror

Am I living in something like "The Ed Show"?  Is my life really a televised soap opera and I don't know it?  Actually, it would explain a lot.  I don't remember signing a contract for anything like that.

Psycho gf is gone and TJ found out that a guy he considered a good friend was messing with Psycho behind his back.  All the while Psycho and 'friend' were picking at him making him feel badly about himself.  But TJ started telling me things Jayce was saying...and doing with the relationship he had.  Then I ran back the reel of Ashley's behavior for the last few weeks and came up with ...the hook up.  I told TJ what I suspected was going on.  He denied that his 'friend' would do that.  But he confronted psycho.  She denied it for the first 24 hours..then admitted it with proof.

Is there not one decent female out there?  I thought when Ashley came along that he finally had a 'good one'.  But it didn't take her long to show her true colors.

I hate to see my son turn from being a loyal, trustworthy individual into a suspicious/jaded person.  But it happens to the best of us.

My daughter has embraced the 'DTA' attitude mentality early in her HS life.  She has 2 friends that she knows she can rely on.  She is a blessed person.  I have one.  Ppl will judge her by her outward looks but I don't.  She is the best person I know.  And she has been there through everything...and has been the best support (beyond my family) that I know of. 

I really don't look forward to when Bethany dates.  She has not dated all the way through HS.  She had the one bf in 9th grade and apparently that relationship was too much for her.  She swore off dating until later in life.  Her 2 friends have not dated either.  No...there is nothing going on there among them!  They just are not ready to deal with the whole male/sex thing.  It is good to wait. 

Wish my son had waited.

Hormonal Habits

I was putting some dishes and things away in the cupboards when the weirdest thing occurred to me.  Will my kids have any 'home habits' to carry with them as they move on to their own lives as adults?

I grew up in the same house, same town...life was basically the same all the time.  There was the time while I was in high school when my mother had gall bladder and cancer surgery..then when I was in college and my father was part of the down turn in economy and was out of work for 2 years and my mom had a job outside the home.  We adjusted fairly easily though. 

But for the most part things were the same.  My mother had daily habits that we carried with us. 

However, my kids have had a much less stable life.  Troy was always changing jobs...either by choice or because of necessity...and we moved to various and different communities...different houses.  And with each change there was a lot of changes made to any 'routines' we had had from the place we had lived before.

There are certain HABITS I have tried to instill in my kids.  Small organizational things that will make life easier.  The simplest one...find ONE place to put certain things (like car keys!) and take a second to put them there EVERYTIME..until it becomes such a habit it is automatic and they will not be running around looking for things and wasting time. 

I realized the other day though that I have a long way to go with my kids to get them ready to live on their own.  My son has a slight knowledge of how to cook a bit.  My daughter, however, is another story. When I send her a txt from work during lunch and ask her to boil some eggs for me for something I am making for dinner when I get home, and she txts back with, "I don't know how"...wow.  I had to give her step by step directions...and she still didn't have them cooked.  oy.

I am going to start giving her more cooking assignments.  I just hope I live through it.

The gf my son has now...at first I thought he hit the jackpot.  The longer he's with her, the more I'm questioning the whole thing.  He tells me she has borderline bi-polar disorder.  He says, "she controls it most of the time (who does that on their own...really) except when it is that time of the month...then I've seen how she just goes totally nuts.  First of all, I don't think it is bipolar disorder.  Has she ever really been diagnosed?  And if it is only during that time of the month that she's nuts, it may be something more hormonal.  I told him she needs to at least take something OTC, but it may not help all that much.  OR she could try soy.  She refuses to be put on meds to control her mood...but I don't want my son harmed!  She is all over the place crazy when it comes around.  You hear news stories about women that have gone hormonally berserk and killed ppl.  Whether it is that or it truly is bipolar disorder...the latter scares me too.

Sometimes I wish my son was more like Sheldon Cooper.  TJ attracts nut jobs.  One of them put him in jail.  It is amazing how elaborate they can get with deception even while being crazy.

Right now I would much rather deal with lack of cooking knowledge than crazy relationships.

I was told in a family psych class that women marry men that are like their mothers.  Do sons marry women like their fathers?  Kinda seems like that is where TJ is headed.

Family Outings

So the Mr. has swung into Mr Nice Guy mode again.  He came back from his trip to Wichita feeling exhilarated. 

On Saturday, I had a job fair I wanted to attend because there was a company there that I am particularly interested in becoming a part of.  I stopped at the county job and family booth to speak with a friend that works there.  She told me to use my LinkedIn to help me get into that company.  I told her I didn't have any sort of connection.  Then she told me the one woman working at their booth is a friend of hers so she could connect us.  Cool!  I also told her that I had a really good conversation with the guy working the booth and he seemed really interested in my job experience and was writing all over my resume.  My friend told me that was a good sign. 

Troy went along because there was an Aerospace company there that he wanted to check out.  They, unfortunately, didn't really have anything that was in his field of expertise.  Our daughter went and spoke to a company that told her about an internship she could sign up for.  Then TJ showed up and talked to a company there.  We all went to Logan's Steakhouse for an early Mother's Day celebration.  Mr. treated us out of HIS private stash.

After I got home, I pulled up my LinkedIn and brought up that company I am interested  in and was surprised to find that the CEO of the company is one of my connections.  So, I sent him an email.  This morning I found that he had checked out my profile.  Who knows...I may find that not too far down the road that I will get out of the Customer Solutions Rep. business at the utility company I am at right now.  That would be an answer to prayer!

The local meteorologist advised of possible frost over night for the weekend so, without me saying anything, Mr. went out and brought in all of my planters.  It is not that I don't appreciate it...it is just that I get so sick of him stomping around and grouching and complaining and pointing out all the things I do wrong...in his opinion.  THEN he'll turn around and be so very nice and like he's bending over backwards trying to make up for it.  I can't take it! 

TJ and his gf had their first major disagreement.  It is a matter of communication.  The difference with this girl is she is mature enough to tell TJ that she doesn't want to lose him and she needed time to work things out with him.  I talked to him about communication and how to work his way through it.  I wanted him to have the benefit of my lessons learned.  I guess they have it all patched up because they are all lovey-dovey on the Facebook again.  blech.  LOL

The countdown has started for Bethany's graduation open house.  3 weeks.  oy.  I still have so much to do around here with the family coming.  Luckily, Bethany has no more school to attend so she is more than happy (ha!) to help out around here to help me get things ready.   

She also is feeling pretty good because she has secured her first job...McDonalds.  It is no one's dream job but a first job for a 17 year old, this is about as good as it gets.  It will certainly be a major shock/shove into the world and how to deal with humanity while growing a tough hide. 

I don't know which is worse...shoving your kid into their first day of school and praying that they aren't the target of bullies or shoving them out there to their first job and praying they have good people to work with.

TJ bought Troy and I tickets to Huey Lewis and the News concert in June.  Troy's ticket was an early father's day present.  TJ bought himself a ticket to go with us.  I told Bethany I'd buy her a ticket then we can attend as a family.  The last time we did something like that it was to attend a free concert in the park with Dr. Hook and the 3 Dog Night.  The kids had been pumped full of their music the weeks leading up to the concert so that we could all sit there and sing along.

Not many opportunities like that left.  Not long and life will all be different.

Mindless Time Passing

I have never been full of endless amounts of energy.  I am not the laziest person on earth but I enjoy down time.  I will feel energetic for a while and try to do as much as I can while feeling that burst of energy.  Then I hit a wall. 

Today was my wall.  I hit a wall mentally too.  Tomorrow is the community garage sale and I forgot to go to the bank and get change.  This could be a problem.

I do worry about my 'thinker' sometimes.  Simple words will disappear in the middle of a sentence.  And I feel like I am quickly searching every corner of my brain to find it.  I have taken to putting sticky notes everywhere.  You should see my work cubicle.  I have been told the 'foggy' is part of fibromyalgia. 

The one thing I enjoy about garage sales is watching the 'shoppers'.  Thank goodness the garage sale shoppers are not as outlandish as the Walmart shoppers.  I prefer to be entertained...not disgusted.

There was one thing that happened at work today that left me shaking my head...even after some of the weird, angry, entitled customers that I have had.  Some guy called in to get some information on some of his properties and change some things so I had to go through a lot of different screens, etc.  He was yapping the whole time.  He had mentioned something about Star Wars and then he said, "well, that was before your time" I laughed and said, "I watched it when it first come out."  He said something about my voice sounding young and I said, "at least something about me is young."  I went on and kept trying to keep him to the business at hand...but while I was doing some typing on some of the screens his mouth was a moving...yap yap yap...and I was ignoring most of what he was yapping about because, frankly, I thought he was a kook.  Then as we finished up he said, "Well, your voice sounds really nice and I'll bet you look as good as your voice sounds."  To which I said, "oooo...kkkk...we have everything done here and if you have any more business that needs to be done you can call BACK to customer service.  Have a nice day!" and I disconnected the call. 

The thing that sticks with me the most is how uncomfortable the guy made me feel.  I was trying to keep everything on task, get the business done without being rude to the customer...but if I had my way I would have told the nut job to go meet himself somewhere and call back when he was done.

Sometimes I just feel like I am SO OVER humans.  LOL 

Planting Beauty

Today is one of those days to which I have been looking forward.  Sunny, warm...a short work day.  I am poised with wheelbarrow, shovel, plants and many bags of compost.  I LOVE to dig in the dirt and plant things.  I have a (maybe misplaced) sense of hope that this year I will be able to make a big difference in what the gardens will grow.  I have been in a 'transition' with the gardens around this house since we moved in.  Mind you, the first year I did nothing.  It was August when we moved in so I just let things be as they were.  I had to wait for the next spring to see what all came up and bloomed.  Then I had to decide what I still wanted to keep, get rid of, move, thin out, etc.  I ended up digging up and getting rid of most 5 bushes.  They had gotten some weird disease and died.  Once I got rid of those, then some of the other surrounding plants began to thrive again.

This year I am going to attempt flower towers for decoration along with a rock garden and the usual plants.  We'll see if I have any talent.

Troy managed to get rid of our old dishwasher.  He put in a new one. Much quieter.  I like it.  It was a major undertaking since the old dishwasher had been hard wired in and they had hooked it up using copper pipes...nothing flexible.  Frankly, I was surprised he had any idea what he was doing. 

Well...now...I guess I should go get busy.  Time to perk up my yard!

The Unfinished

I believe in prayers being answered.  The tricky part is the patience.  God will work things out but it is on His timeline.  And sometimes, the answers to prayers aren't what we had envisioned...or they are but some not so pleasant things have to happen in order for us to reach the answer we want/hope for/pray for.

My son, after so many years of struggling on both our parts, loneliness, confusion, medication that didn't help or made things worse, problems with his father...he is finally in a very good place.  He is in a school where he is excelling and loving what he is learning and what he does.  He had ppl backing him up trying to get him into a company that he can grow into his field ( radio programming/production/broadcasting) and, after many, many, many frogs, he has this most amazing girlfriend that I can see him being with for the rest of his life.  The funny part about where he is headed with his career is it is not at all where he started out wanting to go but he 'accidently' found it was something he really loved.

Now I pray that my daughter has the same success. 

I look around my house feeling very bad because when we bought this house not quite 5 years ago, I envisioned so many possibilities.  Things we could do to make it 'ours' and comfortable to be in until we retired and THEN may want to move on.  Or die here.  I had thought Troy and I could work things out...and it would be okay.

Now I just feel depressed it about it all.  We have not gotten any better with our relationship...there are moments but when it is just moments, then it is no better.  And I spent so much time, money, energy getting a teaching degree and teaching license...and I have nothing.  The best I seem to be able to do right now is a part-time $10/hr. job.  Even with all of the education and job experience I have.  And now it seems I will never be able to even finish what I had hoped to do with this house. 

Everyone is doing well...but me.  I am stuck.

Need a REAL Hug

I am not a physical person.  It is an inherited trait.  In the DNA, so to speak.  Neither of my parents did a lot of hugging of usi kids as we were growing up.  I know they loved us...just didn't show it physically. 

I hugged and kissed my kids a lot.  I still give them hugs and kisses.  I just don't like other ppl glomming on me.  I hate the ones you see from somewhere in your past, and you barely know them anyway...they come at you with arms wide.  My mind goes into a quick 'how do I get out of this' mode. 

At this stage in the game, lots of times I dodge hugs not just becuz I am not fond of getting hugged but also becuz it kinda hurts.  Not a hurt that makes you want to yell, OUCH...but an irritating hurt. The nerves in my arms, between my elbows and wrists, constantly feel like I hit my 'funny bone' in my elbow.  And you know, you can ignore a constant pain just so much...then once in a while, when other things are piled on top, I get snappish

All of that aside, on my job I listen to a lot of ppl complain and bitch.  Then I get to come home and listen to more complaining and bitching and picking at me.

I do a lot for everyone around here.  My son thanks me the most.  My daughter thanks me quite a bit.  Troy does thank me...but he complains a lot too.  And...I would like to be told more how nice it is that I do this or that...and given a 'thank you' kinda hug. 

or a 'I know today sucked, I'll give you a hug to help calm you down'.

Speaking of which, the little Jack Russel that I saved from the kill shelter turns out to have anxiety issues.  How ironical (not a real word) that he would find his way into this family after all the anxiety problems I went through with my son and my daughter.  When I took him for shots or to get his claws filed down, he flipped out!  He barks continuously at anyone that comes in the door (won't shut up!  EVER) and he still pee on things or chew up a shoe whenever he is left.  So, the vet tech suggested something called 'adaptil'.  I looked it up on the pet med sites and found that it not only comes on a collar that will need replaicing every month, but it comes in a spray and a plug in diffuser.  So I ordered a diffuser to try it.  That way it will work on all my dogs.  The other two are pretty good but Max has his own kind of anxiety issues. 

I wish they had a diffuser for humans that plugged in and ridded one of 'obnoxious'.

Bubble Left of Center

It's official...it's my family.  Maybe not ALL of us...but most of us.

I have an app on my android called "DriveSafe.ly"  It will read my txt msgs outloud to me.  I decided to put it on my phone because my kids will never call me, they will only txt AND because when I am driving, and I hear a txt msg guitar riff then I am curious as to who/what and I don't want to pull over.

The problem with it is this...I don't always remember to turn it off when I get out of the car...and might be wandering around in a store, etc, when it goes off.  My younger sister txted me something kinda funny one time and I was in the produce section of the grocery store when it went off.  I told her about it and, being that she has the same sadistic sense of humor that I do, she would wait until she knew I was out of work and randomly txt me stupid stuff like "my dog has been licking his butt all day"  Or "look at the size of those chunkas!"  She never quite caught me in a store with any of that.  I thought she had given up. 

Today, however, after work I stopped in the town community building to fill out a form to add us to the community garage sale map.  Another woman was in there doing the same.  The woman behind the counter is a very nice woman, albeit rather large.  I heard the guitar riff go off, then a voice say, "Message from Missy"  OH NO!  I didn't turn it off...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let it be bad!  I knew I did not have enough to time grab it out of the purse pocket and shut it off.  Luckily the woman beside me started talking to the woman behind the counter so that neither one of them heard the android reader say, "People that large shouldn't bend over like that."  Can I smack her now?

For the moment all else is quiet.  I have been sick with some stomach thing...managed to make it through work.  All i do is sit on ma butt...and listen to the ppl bitch.  I need something more mobile to do.  I really dislike sitting there all day.

Tonight Ashley is feeding my son, Bethany is sick to her stomach also and swears off eating, I am not really wanting to go there either so I will just feed his Highness...leftovers.  I think he could manage that.

Observations of a Simple Mind

Today Troy drove Bethany's car to work because he told me last night that he has a bearing going on his...he's driven it to and from work like that since last Thursday.  REALLY?  He said, "I called the mechanic shop and they gave me an appt for Wednesday.  They said it won't hurt to drive with it that way."  sheeeeeezzzze!  I told him, " um...no...until it decides it's had enough!  Then you might be stuck in the middle of rush hour traffic an hour from home..then what?"  I drove Bethany to the school to catch the bus...then picked her up after work. 

I was sitting there waiting for her and watching the boys' baseball teams and girls' softball teams show up.  I made a few observations:
1)  There are 2 physical types of girl softball players that I saw...the first is the skinny little ones that have longer hair and they put it up in a ponytail; the second type is the chubbier kind...they have a top knot on top of their head with some sort of stretchie head band wrapped around and are wearing slip on sandals with the adjustable band  that they wear with their thick uniform socks.  I do not know who they are fashioning themselves after.  I just thought it was kinda funny that they separated themselves into fashions according to body type.
2) Any parents that dropped their son/daughter off had little sport decals on their cars.  This is just the beginning.  There is also signs that they plop in their yards.  To me it is like saying "yay!  my kid knows how to join in!"  I remember these parents from my HS days.  They would stand around with their chest all blown up with a look of importance.  It wasn't even about whether or not their kid had a major eye/hand coordinated skill.  Just the fact that the kid decided to join!  woohoo! 

It always brings back that memory of when I was in marching band.  Our band was what they call a 'show band'.  The band at the HS here in town is what is known as a 'Precision Marching Band'.  Bethany liked it (sorry...no band symbols or signs on my car or in my yard)  BUT the band at my HS was a 'show band'...we DANCED when we played.  I had the best time of my life!  ANYWAY...my parents never came to one game to watch me perform...and I really didn't think anything of it.  I was doing it because I enjoyed it so much.  It was MY thing.  BUT, for a short while I was dating the center on the football team.  THEN my dad came to a game...stood by the sideline with the other dads looking all proud.  So, after our opening show, I went down to the sidelines to say 'hi' to my dad.  He turns and says (loudly enough for the other fathers to hear) "which player is your boyfriend?"  (sigh) "Mark's the center...enjoy the game"  And I went back to my seat.  Halftime came and I did the show...dad was gone before the players finished coming off the field at the end of 4th quarter.  I finished dating the football player before the next home game. 

LOL! 

On to other things...
My son...found his school and his calling.  He finished last semester with straight A's.  First time since 8th grade!  He had his own internet radio show...until the first semester ended and the school cleared out old instructors and brought in more industry relevant instructors and now one of the instructors is trying to get him a job with Cox Media (where he works) as a production assistant...so they can train him to take over some radio duties.  AND he has found the best gf in the whole world...she is working as an STNA right now...has to put in a certain amount of time before the employers will pay for her to get her RN degree.  She is very sweet, has common sense, extremely pretty, and is head over heels for my son.  He is head over heels for her!  and I just love the girl myself. 

Bethany will be graduating from HS in a bit over a month.  She will be attending the college TJ is at...but she will start in November.  I think she will do great because she has done GREAT at the Career Tech Ctr.   She is thrilled with her progress and so am I.  Her instructor can't stop raving about her.  She plans on going into sound production. 

Tonight she was telling me about some guy from her school that is obnoxious and insulting to all of her friends but she says the worst thing he can think of to say to her is "you're short"  she says, "As if this is knowledge that I don't already possess"  LOL!  She'll be okay! 

Okay...it was nice to write about something else besides my rubble pile of a marriage. 

I just hope it hasn't done something to my daughter's way of thinking.  Tonight she says to me, "After what you've been through, I would NEVER get married again.  I would just live with a guy and then kick him out if he got to be crappy."  alrighty then.  I can't see anymore relationships in my future.  I am good with 'alone'.

To Sleep...Perchance to Dream

Thank you to those of you kind enough to read and give m words of encouragement/insight.  I really appreciate it...I do.

I am just so exhausted.

Irony...my job.  Helping others figure out how to get over the hump and keep going.  I give them encouragement, pep talks, sympathy, empathy and perhaps a little laugh.  I certainly wasn't there this morning when I went off to work.  But there are always lots of ppl in a worse place than me. 

One poor guy called in to find out what he owed on his electric acct....his wife of 31 years had died a month ago.  He worked, she worked and she took care of EVERYTHING.  She paid all the bills, did the banking, cleaned, did the laundry, the cooking.  And now here he is, not much older than I, and has no clue what is going on or how to do it.  I was able to explain to him how to get organized, and found that his wife had signed them up to an online/paperless acct.  I deleted it so he could go back to thepaper bill.  I had to tell him HOW to pay his bill...since we no longer have payment ctrs of our own.  It took me some time, but the poor guy had no idea...

One guy called up and wanted to talk sports with me while I was setting up his new account.  He sounded like rather old...his voice.  But it turned out he was a year younger than I!  yikes.

And yes...I need to see a doctor.  A few different kind of doctors.  I need a really good endocrynologist becuz of my thyroid.  I need a doctor to diagnose and treat my anxiety/depression.  And I wish there was something I could do about the fibromyalgia.  the nerves in my arms continuously feel like I hit my funny bone in my elbow.  but I don't want to take any of those pharmaceuticals they have for the problem.

I am hoping to get out and dig in the dirt after work tomorrow.  The sun and nature make me feel better.

and really...what is the interest in 'Wicked Tuna'?    He watches the most random stuff.  altho I must admit, I have gotten invested in 'The Deadliest Catch' and 'Duck Dynasty'. 

oh...and shame on me.  By trying to have a conversation about our almost non-existant relationship last night, I have ruined his happiness high about the possible new job.  I just couldn't let him be happy (his words).  Nope...guess that was my intention.  Cuz that's what I'm all about...screwing with ppl.  Believe me...I have thoughts of bazillions of ways to screw with ppl but I don't do it...cuz I believe in karma. 

Sorting It Out

So, tonight I sat and tried to have a conversation with him about what bothers me...and if he really wants me around because he is unhappy with me. 

As I figured,  his excuse for things is that he works more hours than I do.  He works more PAID hours than I do...as I pointed out.  He does his job then comes home and is a plop in the chair.  During the week I get it.  I really do.  But he spends the weekend channel surfing.  Nothing EVER gets done.  He says he helps with cooking.  He used to.  I have done a lot of cooking.  I do everything else.  He evidently is upset cuz he had to do the mowing on Wednesday.  Not sure what he is bitching about.  I get up everyday at 5:30 when he does...make the coffee, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, feed the dogs, get  breakfast for the kids, pack TJ a lunch, get my breakfast and pack something for myself as a quick bite while everyone else is having lunch and I'm manning the phones.  Then I come home and do laundry/vacuuming...cook dinner.  He comes home, eats dinner and sits like a plop in the chair.  He gets Wednesday at home but I still get up early to make sure the kids have breakfast...besides, the dogs want to be let out. I make the coffee...I do the same on the weekends.  I don't get a break.

I will admit I am not the most energetic person.  I used to be more so.  I have gotten so I am more tired and lumpy than I used to be. 

He says he is just not happy with his life in general.  I am part of the unhappiness.

Again...I am tired of feeling badly becuz I am what I am.  I didn't try hard enough?  I didn't try to do the right things?  I don't know.  I know marriage is work but should it really be THAT much work?  Should it drain you and make you feel bad?  Should you have to change EVERYTHING about who you are? 

Perhaps we went into this whole thing with the wrong idea about who each other was/is.  yes...he let me down from the beginning.  I let him down. 

Just WHY are we still here?  He says he wants me to go to Wichita with him...fresh start he says. 

I guess my idea of a fresh start is different from his.

I just want to see things through with my kids.  Make sure they get through their schooling and get out there with ppl they really do love.  They are going to have a life.  Then...I don't care anymore.

Sounds stupid...but I don't.

I really don't believe in anyone giving a crap about who I am...able to love me and stay that way.  I guess I'm too difficult.  Every relationship I have ever had...they EXPECTED me to do this...be that. 

I am better alone....so the only one I can disappoint is me.  And I don't care if this sounds like a pity party. Call it what you want.  I feel like crying.  I don't know which way to turn.  I don't know what to do.  I am better at encouraging others and helping them.  I need someone to help me.  Encourage me.  But that just doesn't happen. 

And I am scared because i feel so depressed, anxious...and my mind goes blank too much. I have a hard time remembering the words I want to use.  and the harder I try to think...the longer it takes to remember.  I am scared.  I  feel nothing inside.  There is no passion.  If some guy flirted with me, I would not feel a little thrill...I would feel nothing.   I am tired.  My head hurts.  and my life is a pile. 

I still joke with ppl.  I smile.  Everyone thinks like is just great with me.  I am happy for my kids.  I am thrilled that they are doing well and have a possibility of a good future.  I am trying to make sure they make better decisions than I did.

I find it totally ironic that everyone from my past (HS and college) use these words to describe me:  'determined/smart/focused/ had a plan/ knew what I wanted/sweet'  They all thought I was going to be something great.   Here I am...falling apart in the middle of nowhere and nothing.

What a punch line.

You know...I can't even talk about this with my mother.  I tried...but she turned it into something about her.  She started wailing about 'where did I go wrong with my kids?  I worked hard to make sure you had a good life...but you all have such problems!  I did something wrong!"  Yes mom...it is ALL YOUR fault. 

She had nothing to do with my decision to marry Troy.  She had nothing to do with my decisions after that.  It is my life and it has all gone wrong.  I was a good mom.  But I almost lost my son at one point...becuz I wasn't paying close enough attention.  I am sure at some point Troy will throw that in my face, also.  Surprised he hasn't yet.

why bother? 

It is Time

It is time to use my blog to think in print...where I can visualize everything.  I am at a place in my life that could mean big change. 

I am tired...most of the time.  I feel drained.  Not quite sure where it all comes from...stress, menopause, depression...a general feeling of 'why bother'...

My marriage has had ups and downs.  Mostly downs.  Isn't that sad?  I think it is.  I have hung in there.  The truth of it is (and this has come from accepting what everyone, including my in-laws have told me) if I hadn't been there for my husband, helped him get to the school he wanted to go to, constantly patting him on the back, and doing everything else around us to make things easy for him...he wouldn't have gotten his education and be working in the field that he loves.

I chose to give up my teaching career to move all around with him...to raise our kids.  I am not anywhere I thought I would be in my life.  He resents me for NOT having a teaching job...for staying home and raising our kids.  He has not used the word 'resent'.  He stopped just short of it.  He said everything else.  I don't know how to give anymore.

I am an empty shell.  I have given everything to my kids becuz I love them so very much.  I have shared with and lassoed and dragged and pushed and let go of...my kids.  My son is finally a whole person with a brilliant light shining on him and in front of him.  He is doing very well...and he has the most wonderful girl that, Lord willing, he will share a wonderful life with.  My daughter has a lot ahead of her but she knows who she is and where she is going.  She still needs some help (and she is SO easily bothered) but she will be fine. 

Troy will be going off to Wichita to interview for a job that he REALLY wants.  I pray, for his sake, that he gets it.  I do not plan on going.  It is time.  It is a good place to cut the chord.  It is a good time to find me and like me again. 

He has gotten to a place where he does less and less.  The only thing he does more of, each day, is pick at me...who I am.  He talks to me as if I am brainless.  He EXPECTS everything and I am feeling more like the poor, dumb hired help.  And I am not being overly sensitive.  And I am tired of feeling badly about who I am.  I no longer feel an inner glow and happiness.

As I began this with...I am not really sure where it all comes from...why.  I think it could be a just a culmination of all things in life.  but do not call it a mid-life crisis...although it very well may be.

I just know I am tired and feel hollow.

I am working on finding myself a fulltime job.  Something substantial enough to support me.  I am looking so very forward to being without a relationship.  I will have my kids around for a while longer.  TJ will not finish his schooling until next March.  Bethany graduates this June...then will not begin her college until November. After that she will only need one year of classes (no summer off) to get her degree in sound production.    She and her friends are hoping to get a place together after that.  But that remains to be seen.

I don't know how all of this is going to go.  I am fairly certain that somewhere in this next year I will be on my own.  And I may be scared and nervous...but I am kinda looking forward to it.  It will be tough, and there will be anger and accusations.  I just know that I can step out of it all knowing that I gave everything I had to give.  I did more than I thought I could...and probably should.  He probably feels he gave more than he should have...perhaps he did.  But...it is time to throw in the towel and walk away.  I need a long rest.

Whew...We Made It

This last year was....different. 
Summary...
My son found out that the program he was in at his college was not right for him so he found one that he really wanted to get into...he filled out the papers and did the transfer within THEN the college dropped that program.  We scrambled to find something similar at a nearby college then THAT college decided to switch from quarters to semesters and it was a mess.  By shear chance, I found a diamond in the rough kinda broadcasting/production school nearby that turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to my son...and is the continuing ed school of choice for my daughter after she graduates from HS this year.

My husband's nephew...who is a few months younger than our son...was contemplating suicide so we offered to let him come live here while he pursued some further training/education so he could have a better life than the alcohol/drug riddled existence of his 2 older brothers.  He was just SO excited and appreciative...even though he knew he would have to follow the rules of the house.  That lasted about 5 months.  There was an additional month that he stayed beyond that...he left to join his brothers in Georgia where he works for many hours, barely makes ends meet BUT they party all the time!  woohoo!  Whatever floats your boat, buddy. 

I got a job as a kindergarten teacher...supposedly.  What they really wanted was someone to clean up and organize their kindergarten program for them while basically babysitting a group of kids.  I hated the whole thing and lasted about a month...or almost 2.  Then I got a job at a convenience store just to have some income to contribute to the household.  While working there I was contacted by the local electric utility company about a job I had applied for many months before.  3 interview sessions later and I was offered a job.  While a few of the ppl I went through training with are no longer there (2 let go and 2 found other jobs) I am still there.  It is not my favorite job...the place makes you feel like you are being watched under a microscope and dealing with some of the customers makes you want to hunt them down and put your foot up their butt...it could be worse and I am hoping to use this job as a springboard to something better.

I also went on a 4 day whirlwind bus tour with my parents and sisters to Shanksville, Pa; Washington, DC; Philadelphia, PA; and NYC.  We had security clearance to get a tour of the Pentagon, which was kinda cool and NYC was one of those places that was kinda neat to see but I could never spend much time there.  The shear mass of humanity in one place made me very uncomfortable.  Believe it or not, I like Philadelphia the best.  I learned SO MUCH about our country's history up close and personal and it was all so very fascinating!  Shanksville just made me cry.

Bethany really didn't have anything big and noteworthy to write about.  She is my rock.  She keeps going and keeps her nose clean.  She is, however, thrilled with the fact that she was able to lose some weight and is feeling better about herself.   Her pescatarian lifestyle works well for her.

Troy lost his job of 12 years and I was worried about him going into a tailspin.  The company lost its government division due to Obama cuts in military spending so the company had to reduce in many other places to save itself.  Many more jobs lost.  We were able to hang on and because of his reputation, training, and knowledge was able to secure another job a few months later.  The biggest problem is it means almost and hour and half drive to get there and get home.  Depends on traffic.  It is wearing on him along with the supervisor above him who doesn't seem to really know what he's doing.  But he is negotiating with another company that found HIM and seems to want him to take over their one department.  It is outside of the aviation industry, however, and works with lasers and LED displays and equipment.  While Troy is quite familiar with this sort of thing, he is an avionics man at the core.  Not sure how this is all going to turn out...he may get what he wants and take the job or there may not be an acceptable agreement reached. 

For the New Year:
TJ will be embarking on programming an internet radio show...his school has its own radio broadcasting and recording label.  They have an opening for a 'dj' for one of their radio show slots and the one that heads the radio division thinks TJ would be a good fit.  TJ did a comedy act for the school talent show and got 2nd place.

Bethany will be graduating from HS with a degree in multi-media graphics.  She is excellent at what she does but is more interested in music production.  That is why she is wanting to go to the school that TJ is going to now.  While TJ is going more for the Film/TV production end (the school has its own movie production division also and makes at least one low budget movie a year).

Troy is hoping to have a better job this year...and so am I.  Only God's will and time will tell.