24 Years

The end of July will be 24 years of marriage.  24 years.  If I sit and fathom the time...look back over what we have been through...really remember what our marriage has been like, it is hard.  It is painful.  I don't place all the blame on him.  I obviously did not know how to be married, either.  His approach to the marriage was more like he could still do what he wanted to, when he wanted to, and the big part about being married was helping to support a wife and a family.  Once he earned a paycheck and deposited it into the bank, he'd done his duty.

He is who he is and I am who I am.  I deal with ppl as individuals, not a lump sum.  He does not understand anyone thinking/acting any differently than he.   I understand that everyone is different, can handle different things, struggle through other things.  It is why we have scientists and football players.  Not everyone can be a teacher.  Not everyone can be a soccer player.  Not everyone can be the President of the United States..successfully...as demonstrated by Barack Obama. (yes, I went there...my opinion...just a little levity).

For instance, my son's first job was a bust.  He got a job with Kohl's working in the back room as an unloader.  He was too slow for them.  So he tried stocking shelves.  He was still too slow for them.  It was a stress for him...so he quit.  He eventually found another job and he stuck with it for quite a while until he got the part time job that  pays for his gas to get back and forth to class and for the occassional date.

Bethany started a job with McD's.  It is the busiest fastfood place in our town.  It caused her panic attacks.  So I told her it is up to her if she stays or not but the trainer might be more appreciative if she quits during training so she isn't wasting her time.  And the trainer WAS appreciative...thanked Bethany for coming in when she did and being honest.  She also asked Bethany if there was something she could do to make things better for her.  Bethany thanked her for asking but no.

There are other jobs out there that my daughter can do that won't cause panic attacks.  She is a good kid and is not lazy.  She is filling out more applications for jobs that are a better fit for her.  Troy is angry with me.  That I 'allowed' her to quit.  Frankly, I really don't understand the idea of putting someone through the torture of sticking with a job that is causing them such problems...especially when they don't HAVE to have that job.  I don't dare point out to him that he had a job that caused him major stress and anxiety not so long ago and he dealt with it by smoking crack, getting fired, and leaving his family. 

Perhaps him going off to Wichita will be a good thing.  I am just afraid that I will like it too much not having to deal with him everyday. 

I must admit, I will miss having another adult my age in the house.  Someone to hang out with now and then...interact with.  I need a friend close by.  It's weird that I don't have one of those...a friend close by.  My closest friend, Jackie, is on the other side of the state.  I suppose I should get to be more involved with the Women's Ministry group at church.  They hang out and do things.  I used to be part of it but I quit when it got to a point where they were doing a lot of baby/wedding shower planning.  I hate that stuff.  But, I guess, take the boring with the interesting.