Breathing Easieer

In my last post I had told you about a book I was reading by Dr. Charles Stanley entitled "How to Handle Adversity". I am still reading it. It is not a very thick book but I peck away at it. I do a lot of my reading at night before I turn in. Most times I don't get very far in my reading because I am just too tired.

However, I really LOVE this book. It has enlightened me a lot about things. I am at a chapter where it talks about the adversities we go through because we have some character issues that God really needs us to change. I do believe that I have gone through a lot of adversity just because of that alone. I probably wouldn't have had so many rough spots if I didn't have a tendency to be so stubborn or 'snap back' to old bad habits.

There is one thing in this book, though, that I am glad to see. It backs up my way of thinking about some of my actions. There are places in my life that I stick and hang with a situation that is not necessarily a kind place for me to be in and a lot of ppl would have just thrown in the towel and walked away because they wanted something better for themselves. However, I always felt that I was there because God had a purpose for me and He knew I would do that job. I have been asked so many times by so many people, "Why are you still there?" My answer? "Because I need to be...I'm supposed to be..." I have been told lots of times how to change my situation for ME. I appreciate the concern but I have always felt God's guiding hand. And because I have stayed in the situation, other people are better for it.

Life is not easy. Doing a job is hard work. I asked God for a purpose and He took me up on it. He used my stubborness and my curiosity for understanding...my ability to put myself in someone else's shoes and see things from their journey and perspective...to give me a purpose.

Be careful of what you ask.

My mother, even though she is a Christian and has been for many decades, doesn't even understand. She looks at what I'm doing from a mom's perspective. She thinks I should take myself out of the stressful situations. She thinks I should do what I can to make my life easier. 'Easier' is reserved for the next life...my eternity. This life is where the rubber hits the road.

I have a nephew that I need to work with...I am saying my prayers for guidance and strength to do the right things to help him get to where he needs to go...in this life and the next. I have about 3 more weeks before he is here. Dear God, help me be prepared for this.

I managed to find another vehicle. I was ready to quit, again. We had been out looking a few times. Nothing really serious. But one day we headed down south of the city...about a 40 minute drive. The experience at that particular dealership was not at all good. 5 HOURS out of my life.
We made it back home and my husband just decided to drive through a couple of dealerships on the edge of town...5 minutes drive from our place. We had gotten lucky about 7 years ago and found a van that I LOVED. It was the one my son had gotten into an accident with. I did not see anything there that I was impressed with so we drove down the road to the Ford dealership. To make a long story short...I found a vehicle that I fell in love with and it is NOT a van. It's an SUV. God supplied me with just the right thing. The only thing about it is it is in the shop having wiring harnesses replaced and a few other little things taken care of so that it is in the best shape possible before I drive it. Yes...a used vehicle. I have never had a new one. Even if I get a job I can't see me spending my whole first year's salary on a car. I may graduate to NEWER used vehicles and spending only HALF of my first year's salary on a vehicle. HA!

I may not have been blessed with a job, yet, but God is working things out. God is working on ME. God has blessed me and my family. Once one gets that, it makes it easier to breathe every day.

Handling It

The job did not come through.  I went through a lot of emotions in the span of two hours.  It was not a job I know I would have kept.  It was just something that would help out with the bills until I got something I liked better.  I am still lamenting not using my teaching license.

One has to wonder, though, just what it is that I am missing?  On the flip(pant) side, it was not something I was supposed to do.  God has another purpose.  I just am not getting it. 

Philippians 4:6 "Do not worry about your life."  God is guiding.

My oldest sister passed a book onto my mother who passed it on to me over Thanksgiving.  It is written by Dr. Charles Stanley and is entitled How to Handle Adversity.  It has really helped enlighten me.  He has used the story of Joseph's life to illustrate. 

I know I get upset with not knowing what God is doing...what the purpose is.  Wouldn't you like to pray and get an answer?  Lots of times there is silence.  Nothing seems to change.  As humans, we want to see instant change, get instant answers.  We don't want to have to wait in line at the checkout for longer than 3 minutes...and that's pushing it!

Now imagine Joseph...sold as a slave by his brothers.  Years of servitude, false accusations, time in jail...and all that time having to hold on to faith that God had a purpose for his life.  Sometimes the wheels that are set in motion have a lot of turns to make and a lot of mechanisms to move. 

Karen told me to not take it so personal...God will supply our needs.  I have to pull myself back from that inner carnal nature that WANTS more.  I have more than a lot of people and I feel thankful and blessed. 

Troy keeps drumming away at me to write.  He thinks I should be writing books.  I do not see myself as an author.  I am not sure why he has that in his head.  But he has been banging on that drum for many years...at least 15.  I don't know what I'd write...my thoughts are too scattered. 

So I am meeting with another college advisor and taking another run at the math teaching degree. 

Life is a kaleidoscope.  Jumbled, ever changing, and colorful.

My Plate is Full...TYVM

Over the years the polymyalgia/fibromyalgia (not really sure which one it is...doesn't matter cuz it hurts) has slowly sapped my zest.  I used to thrive on doing lots of things.  I can't really blame it all on the disease either.  There are other circumstances such as age, menopause, and too many stressful situations.

This last week was a doozy.  On Monday my husband's car was hit in the back end by someone running a red light.  Thankfully it was a hit in the back driver side fender and the guy wasn't going real fast.  But it is a tangled web of insurance since the guy was driving a rental car on a business trip and his company insurance is supposed to cover it and his company's insurance company is being somewhat unresponsive.

Then the next day I got t-boned by a 'kid' traveling much faster than the 25 mph limit.  The van I had just gotten 3 months ago and had only made 2 payments on was totalled.  I was not hurt.  And the officer that showed up to manage the accident ended up hand cuffing the one that hit me because there was an outstanding warrant for his arrest.    I believe it was traffic related.

Troy and I had decided to take in his youngest nephew, Kevin.  He is 6 months younger than our son.  Kevin's mom (Troy's sister) left him and his dad when Kevin was about 14 years old.  She met another man and decided she wanted another life.  Kevin's dad did the bare minimun with Kevin.  He barely paid attention to him.  Kevin had no guidance and felt like the child that no one wanted.  His dad was just biding his time until Kevin graduated from school so he could kick him out.  Kevin's second oldest brother Tommy invited Kevin to go to Georgia and live with him and his significant other.  It was not a good situation and Tommy did not help Kevin in any way.  Kevin met a girl who's grandmother helped him get a job.  He moved in with this girl and her mom and grandmom until he could get his own apartment.  Once he paid his rent and utilities he had very little left for food.  He got down to a very very dangerously thin frame.  His oldest brother, David, who has bounced from job to job to job and friend's house to friend's house for YEARS and loves to be drunk and high, decided to go live with Kevin and 'help' him with rent and bills.  Kevin's mom and grandmom (Troy's mom) took David down there and picked up some furniture for them and filled the cupboards with food.  Kevin's mom took both boys to the welfare office and got them signed up for some food stamps.  It wasn't a lot they got but it helped.  Kevin got David a job at the factory he was working at.  Kevin got laid off and decided to try it back up 'home' in Ohio.  David moved on to Florida to mooch off another friend for a while.

Kevin has been desperate.  He is living out of a suitcase roaming from friend's house to friend's house.  His mom and her new husband won't take him in...and if they offered Kevin wouldn't go cuz he is not comfortable with the new 'dad'.  His own dad has started a whole new family with a wife he brought in from the Phillipines.  She is younger than Kevin's oldest brother.  She came with a little girl and she and Kevin's dad just had a little baby boy of their own.  Kevin is 'allowed' to live in the basement...no room...just a basement.  And it is cold down there.  His dad says it would cost him too much to put a dehumidifier and small heater down there.

Kevin became suicidal.  He had no one to show him a way out.  He wants to have a better life.  His friends back home just like to do drugs and drink.  They are lucky to have pizza delivery jobs.  Troy and I told him if he really wants a better life, he can come stay with us and we will help him find a school and career choice...fill out paperwork...get financial aide...just give him a leg up.  TJ talked to Kevin and helped him understand that he isn't being a mooch if we are offering and as long as he is going to school and really trying to get somewhere.  So, Kevin decided to take the offer.  The first part of January we will be moving him in.  He will have his own bedroom in our basement.  The difference is he will have a  ROOM.  Our kids have their rooms in the basement.  We run the dehumidifier and it has heat.  He will have a carpeted floor.  He will have his own space.  He comes with bedroom furniture, a TV and a car.  About all he needs. 

We are setting up a dorm fridge for all of them to use down there.  There is also a microwave and their own little pantry.  There is also a kitchen table and chairs.  I have alerted Kevin to the fact that I do not want to see that fridge full of beer all the time.  If he has a job along with school (he may be collecting unemployment) then he will only be allowed to drink on nights when he doesn't have to rise and shine for work or school the next day.  He may be almost 21 but this is our house.  Our son knows no matter what age he is he has to follow the rules of OUR house as long as he lives here.  This might be a little tough for Kevin considering his parents didn't make them follow rules.  They just didn't care.  Kevin just needs some one to teach him self discipline.  It has been tough with my son but he gets it.  They all think being an adult and being able to make your own decisions is all fun and games but then they find out otherwise.  I just want him to be able to make good decisions.

I am kinda not looking forward to another person living in the house all the time.  I don't know how this is going to work.  We tried this with Kevin's brother Tommy at one point but Tommy left after 2 months to go back to Georgia to the female he had wanted to get away from.  The only thing I can say about Tommy is that he is a worker and he has taken care of himself.  He just doesn't do well taking care of anyone else. 

I tried doing some volunteer work for a dog rescue group in our town.  I told them that I am going to have to take a break until probably February.  I have a job interview on Thursday again.  It is the second and final interview for a job.  Not counting on it only because nothing has come through for me thus far.  I know I really need it...been needing a job desperately for many months. 

Life is never what you think it's gonna be...

New Tricks, No Treat

My family members have learned a few new tricks to save themselves a bit of energy.  They have over-bought into the energy saving revolution, I think.  The problem is, their energy saving tricks have meant more energy usage for me. 

For instance, the plastic drinking cups in the cupboard kept disappearing.  They weren't in the dishwasher...not in the sink waiting to be put into the dishwasher...not in the cupboard waiting to be used.  Hmmm...Then suddenly, they appeared on the kitchen counter.  Some of them empty, some of them with various amounts of liquid in them.  I was surprised and slightly creeped out.  One moment I had my back to the counter putting dishes in the dishwasher the next moment I turn around and there is a whole batch of cups that WEREN'T there when I started to fill the dishwasher.  They didn't make a sound!

It was a few days later I learned that my daughter had been taking glasses of water to her room at night and not bringing the cups back up the next morning.  She would hoard them until there was about a half dozen then bring them all up at once.  She would leave them on the counter and silently slip away...leaving them for me to empty and put in the dishwasher.  She had great timing.

Then there is my son who brings his lunch box in from work, opens it and deposits the contents on the counter, leaves the lunch box on one of the stools then slips off down the hall saying he'll be right back.  An hour later it is all still there so I put it away and put the lunch box where it belongs...out of my way.  When I see him later and tell him I finally put it all away he gives me that puzzled look and says, "oh, I thought I put it away." Perhaps the act of taking it out of the lunch box equals 'put it away' in his mind.  I'm thinking not.

Now I can move on to my husband.  He is the master.  He will cook up something he wants for lunch or breakfast and leave a bit in the pans on the stove then tell me, "I left some for you."  It usually is something he knows I won't eat but by leaving some for me, he then feels that he has done the equivalent of 'tag, you're it' and it is now MY mess to clean up....and I do.  *sigh*  He does the same thing with his cooler when he gets home from a trip. He puts it on the counter and announces, "I brought you back some goodies!"  I know it is just snack bars, cookie packets, and any sodas he didn't drink.  I empty it out, put it away, and set the cooler by the back door waiting to go back into the garage.  It gets there eventually...when I manage to catch him going out the door to smoke a cigarette...cuz he never seems to notice that he is tripping over it in order to open the door.

I guess it is just natural that I should use more energy anyway...after all, I am the oldest, most outdated model in the house.

The Joys of Home Ownership

I have talked about painting the trim and doors on the house a different color for 3 years now...since we bought and moved into this place.  The brick is a sort of white with tiny gray stones that run through the center of each brick.  The last owners of this house had a brown shingle roof put on, with a beige front door, brown gutters, brown trim, brown shutters, brown garage door...you get the picture.  It all created an optical illusion...that the brick was beige.  The house looked rather dismal to me.  So, with a thank you nod to God, many high wind storms and hail storms created just enough damage to our roof that the insurance would pay to have it replaced.  Here was my chance!  I talked Sr. into having gray shingles put on...we got the new mold/mildew resistant kind and they were rated for this area with its high wind storms and hail so they should not fracture or rip off so easily. 

While Sr. was away in Tucson for some company computer gadget training (that's what I call it anyway) I got a gallon of paint in the greenish color I liked and painted the front door...and the garage door...and the trim around the garage door.  I took the shutters down.  I will return to THAT story in a moment.

I was nervous about picking Sr. up at the airport and bringing him home since I had not told him about the painting I was going to do.  We pulled around the corner and into the driveway just as I hit the garage door opener button...and he went, "what the...???  WHAT DID YOU DO?  WHY NOW?  You don't have enought warm days until winter to paint it ALL green!  Those brown gutters with that green door look like **it!" 

sigh

"I am going to paint the gutters and facia a dark grey..but it will have to wait until spring."

"In the meantime it will look like **it"   "I thought we had discussed doing this as a project when I was here."

"I don't recall those words ever entering into it.  You said you did not look forward to having to paint it and I told you that you wouldn't have to, I would take care of it and that was the last I heard about it from you."

He was at a loss for words...for quite a while.  Then he turned nice.  He made dinner, did the dishes, baked a cake from scratch (yes...REALLY!)

As for the shutters, I was afraid to take those down.  Heaven knows when the last time was that they had been taken down and cleaned and the brick cleaned behind them.  I was afraid of disturbing some bats. 

I carefully took out the screws that secured them to the brick and peeked behind.  Mostly spider webs and muddauber nests.  At least the first set.  The next two sets had spiders behind them that I could have hitched to a plow and put in a couple acres of corn.  I THREW them out into the yard.  Luckily I am not a squeamish type when it comes to spiders or the neighbors would have been heading for their basements thinking the tornado siren had gone off.  Once they realized it was not that siren but something else, they would have looked out their windows and thought that maybe I was practicing a dance for flashmob.

I got the hose rolled out and turned the nozzle to 'JET'.  Then I blasted the spiders out into some other part of the yard.  By the looks of the mess on the shutters I was guessing they were storing up their winter provisions.  As I blasted it I could have sworn I freed a Hobbit.  There was a flash of what I perceived to be 'Sting' (the blade, not the musician) and,sadly, something else that looked like half of a fairy...which would make this sound like a fractured fairy tale!

Anyhows...I next scrubbed them down with a scrub brush and they are still stored in the garage awaiting their coat of paint...which I am hoping to get on them this Friday so they will be ready for hanging on Saturday.  I also had to blast the brick.  Who knew spiders could create such a horrible mess?  I will have to spray the brick with Fantastic before I hang the shutters back up.  Why?  Because wasps, bees, spiders, and most other bugs hate it.  It will actually kill ants and bees on contact!  Gotta love it!

When I say anything about taking down the shutters and cleaning them, at least 50% of listeners have responded with, "shutters have to be cleaned?"  *shrug*  My parents have done it every couple of years for as long as I can remember.  Why not?  The shutters hang around outside collecting the dust and dirt (and spider crap) and after while, it piles up.  My youngest sister and her husband powerwash their brick house every year!  My bricks didn't get power washed.  I am the Pig Pen of the family I guess.

Tangled

This is birthday month around our house.  My daughter turns 16, my son turns 21 and I step right over the line into the 50's (51).  It doesn't scare me!  HA!  My daughter however told me that she has been 16 for a year since a birthday actually marks the END of a certain year and the day after her 16th birthday she will be embarking on her 17th year of life.  At her age that matters to be older.  At my age not so much.  Once you hit 40 it never matters again. *sigh*

I have found out that my son is actually learning something in college.  He has learned how Donkey Kong got its name and why Mario is named Mario and why he is a plumber.  He also laughingly told me that his first writing assignment for his Tech Writing class is to describe a penny.  This being funny becuz my favorite writing assignment in a graduate class for teachers to get published was to describe a penny in 500 words or less.  :/  I told him that most of the 'writers' in my class did just that...described what the penny looked like, literally.  I told him that if his instructor wanted something more than technical (never mind the name of the course) then he should do as I did...concentrate on the significance/insignificance placed on the value of the penny/how its appearance differs from our other coins we use/the significance of the profile on it/the significance of the words and other information it has on it.  He just nodded.  He is a really imaginitive and fluent writer.  My daughter is too.  They both struggle with their math, though.  They didn't used to but somewhere along the way, one side of the brain took over and squelched the other side of the brain. 

As I relayed to a friend today, it has taken me a very long time to understand something that had I understood it a decade and a half ago, it might have made married life a bit easier. 

I was able to understand my kids having severe anxiety problems and what it does to them...how they react...what they do to cope.  But I listened to my husband and believed him when he said he didn't have such problems. 

He does.  He just doesn't want to admit to it.  If I had just really thought about things he told me about his life growing up/things he did/how he reacted in certain situations I would have understood. 

He bugs me when he wants to try and control everything...he goes into a micro-management kinda mood.  He tells me what I should do and how I should do...and I want to whump him.  But I finally realized that he is only at his 'worst' when he is anxious about something...and that something usually has to do with his job.  It makes it easier to take it when he is trying to give me 'orders' or a list of things to do, etc.  I find it preferable to him trying to dull his anxiety with drugs.  

Life isn't such a big tangle unless you ignore the fact that things are twisting in the wind.

Rusty

There are lots of things along that way that have started reminding me of my age.  I'm not talking about gray hair...have had that trying to take over for the last 10 years and at the moment, I have been letting it think it is winning.  Mostly becuz I have had lots of sun bleaching my hair out so the gray doesn't show so much...and I just don't feel like dying my hair only to have the sun take the color right back out.

My face is changing...starting to show some sag...not a lot but enough for me to stare at it and wonder who that is in the mirror.

Then there is the 'Senior Citizen discounts'.  I always thought that you had to be over 60 to qualify.  Not anymore!  I am turning 51 next month and there are lots of places that are HAPPY to offer me that discount card.  I told AARP where to stick it.  Many times.  I have my own reasons for not wanting to have anything to do with AARP and it is all political.

Then today we got our car insurance bill for the month.  A couple of months ago it went into a yearly renewal and was I surprised to find out that the monthly payments fell $40 per month...if you do your math that means it is $480 a year cheaper!!  And I didn't even have to spent 15 minutes talking to some Gecko or some lady with a bee hive up do.  I looked over the papers and both cars were still fully covered.  hhhmmmm  And all 3 drivers in the house.

Then the bill came today and it was ANOTHER $10 per month cheaper.  Now, really, who would complain about THAT?  I had to call my insurance agent, though and ask.  He just sighed and said, could be your cars are getting older...you're getting older..."  I laughed and said, "I didn't know insurance companies gave old drivers discounts."  He said, "Oh...I didn't mean that in a negative way!"  I just left a silence hang in the air...I could just envision Lionel (yes that's his name) with his bald head, tight t-shirt and arm grafitti squirming in his chair and his face turning red...yeah...Lionel looks like a biker.  And his name is Lionel.  And he sells insurance.  Sorry...I just find the guy to be anything but a stereotype.  Not a bad thing...just makes me giggle.

So, I made Lionel bring up our account and look it over.  Jr. is turning 21 while I am turning 51.  I won't make any comments on everyone's driving record as of late because I don't want to jinx it.  I have a WEE bit of superstition in me about some things. 

Ya can't fight the passing of time.  I guess I'll just be waiting by the mailbox for my Buckeye Sr. Citizen discount card.

Taking That Time to Appreciate...

This time of year is hectic.  It is when I am scrambling trying to get things pulled together for the beginning of the school year.  It is also the time of year when I am trying to get things pulled together for myself.  My life revolves around a school calendar.  

It is always more hectic becuz hubby is always out of town for end of the fiscal year training and meetings.

This year is also more intense since my son is going through class sign up for fall and has his job...and my daughter may be beginning a babysitting job at the end of the week...every weekend.  I am lining up my calendar and supplies to FINALLY paint the inside of this house...three years after moving in. Yes, I've put it off cuz I am not great at painting.  But someone has to do it and it looks like I am the only one left in Dodge.

This year as Troy goes off to the end of the year fiscal meetings it will be with a heavier heart for him.  He just found out that one of his main cohorts in crime dropped dead at a job on Friday.  I could tell over the phone that he was shaken and trying to control himself.  It isn't often that I have been witness to my husband getting emotional over anything.  In our 22 years of marriage I could count it up on one hand.  I think the shakiest part for him is that they do not know yet why his friend Gary died.  Troy was trying to sort it out.  He said, "he wasn't even 10 years older than me.  He smoked, he could DRINK, and he was  a little overweight but not even as overweight as I am."  I was wondering if he was giving any thought to his flipness on our 20th anniversary when he had taken me to a great hotel, out to dinner, then returned to the room for wine and handed me a box with a brand new wedding ring inside and with the clink of the classes he said,"Thank you honey for all the years.  I love you.  I only want 10 more."  It startled me because I at first thought he was putting a time limit on how much longer we were going to be married.  When I said, "10 MORE??"  he said, "be realistic...I'm overweight, I don't exercise, I smoke, and I have a high stress job!  If I last 10 more years it's a miracle." 

I wonder if that was running through his mind these last few days.  He also has cholesterol problems which he has refused to deal with.  I think about the fact that even though I have always emerged with a clean bill of health (and, as the doctor puts it, "enough GOOD cholesterol to share with the whole family") I could still just drop over as well as anyone.  I'm going to be 51 in about 6 weeks.

Live each day as if it was your last...enjoy it as if it will last forever. 

Believe me...I have been paying a lot more attention to the details and the ppl in my life for a while now.  Every since 2 years ago when a male friend of mine from HS suddenly dropped dead from a massive heart attack a few weeks before our 30 year class reunion.  He lived life hard, ate everything wrong, smoked, and drank like it was all going to dry up the next day.  He cheated on his wife (his ex-wife at the time of his death...surprise) but he was the first one to give the shirt off his back to help a friend.  He was respectful to me...except when he felt the need to share a raunchy joke and even then he apologized to me afterwards.  He was one of a kind. 

It's tough getting older and finding you are losing the ppl you know.

The Little World

I have a faith.  A Faith in not only a 'Higher Being' but a belief in God.  I believe that He has created everything and is omnipotent.  I believe I can pray/talk to Him and He will answer me...on a need to know basis.  OR He will work things out...not always the way YOU want it to, but what ends up being the best thing that affects not just YOU but the other ppl that would be impacted by it all. 

Blind faith.  It is as much a part of me as my eye color.  I don't go around shoving my beliefs down other ppl's throats.  If someone asks, I share MY beliefs and WHY I believe that way.  I am a CHRISTIAN because I believe Jesus was the son of God...not some long-haired, sandal wearing pre-cursor to '70's hippie nuts (they don't grow on trees). 

So, from there....my mind works like someone that is continuously trying to figure out the mysteries of the rubiks cube.  I pray about things and just pray for the situation to be 'fixed' and for understanding.  But it is hard for anything to get through to me since my mind is already trying to figure out the next move and find the answers on its own.

I have complained to my mother on numerous occassions that God always seems to drop the things I dislike the most in my lap.  However, I take it and go on with it and in the end it all has turned me into a more tolerant, understanding person. 

That all leads to this...I have not, so far, gotten a teaching job with an online school.  It would be, in MY estimation, the best fit for me.  It would be insulary...not much contact with ppl in person, I wouldn't have to leave my nice little world and there would not be terrible discipline problems to deal with.  I have been praying to God telling Him I know He will point me in the right direction for me to take.

This morning I woke up, let the dogs outside, made my coffee and sat down thinking about my kids and their journey with anxiety and the coming school year for both of them.  I also was thinking about my husband and his weeks of travel and how it has come to the point where I actually get anxious and depressed when he is gone for more than 2-3 days at a time.  THEN it hit me...how my world over the years has shrunk and how it has become just this plot of land with a house on it.  I talk to some of the neighbors once in a while but to actually get out and join in things and be around ppl has become such a TASK...and I have dropped out of everything that would bring actual face-to-face contact.  Then DING!  I get it...I HAVE to be pried out of my nice, snuggly tiny little world before it swallows me whole. 

I don't like substitute teaching.  Believe it or not, it is not the time in the class that bothers me...it is the anxiety that leads up to it.  I get all anxious wondering if I am going to be called the next morning and if I am, where is it they are going to ask me to go/do?  I worked for a school system once (the one back home) where the one incharge of calling the substitutes would call me in advance when she knew teachers were going to be out and assign me ahead of time.  Then it got to a point where certain teachers just wanted me in their classrooms when they were gone so getting called at the last minute to be in a classroom that I was used to with a group of kids that was used to me was not so anxiety inducing. 

I have begun filling out the application for substitute teaching in the school district that I am living in now.  My son and I are still sharing a car but 3 out of the 5 school buildings in the area are within a 5-7 minute walking distance.  Hopefully, if I get enough work, I will have a vehicle of my own before the snow starts to fall.  My son doesn't have college classes until early evening anyway so if I had the car to sub at the high school he would have it back in more than enough time to get to his class.  If he is working at his part-time job on one of those days he could drop me off at my teaching assignment before he got to work (which is a 10-12 minute walk for him anyway) then he would be done about the same time I am and he could pick me up AND his sister as she gets off the bus from the Career Tech Center..which will let her off at the middle school, anyway, which is one of those schools that is a 5-7 minute walk from home.  The only day that the car would not be available for me is Monday when jr. has classes from noon until after 7. 

This could be a good thing for me.  Substitute teaching doesn't pay all that great and there aren't any benefits...but luckily I don't need the benefits since I have them through my husband's employer AND I don't need to live off of the substitute pay.  I just need to make a car payment, pay off my Penneys charge, and pay my cell phone bill.  Anything else would go into the vacation fund.   And perhaps the whole thing will help me not be so anxiety riddled over joining back up with some of the things I have pulled myself out of over time. 

I know some ppl would tell me the thoughts I had were just my subconscious coming to some conclusions that it could finally shoot to my conscious mind.  And if that is what blows your skirt up...you are certainly entitled to your opinion.  However, I do not believe that.  I believe my mind stopped long enough to listen and God was finally able to give me an answer as to WHY I have not been hired for an online teaching job. 

I also believe in the Rapture..and for those that don't and think it is something that was invented by religious leaders that just wanted to scare ppl...that is for YOU to believe and don't dare to refer to me and my beliefs as stupid and ignorant, etc.  I look at it this way...if I am making myself ready for the Rapture and it doesn't happen the worst that will happen is that I have become a better person/better Christian.  If there IS a Rapture and YOU are not ready for it, I get to go to Heaven and you get to struggle with the aftermath. And that's how I see it...in my little world.

Cob Web Cleaner

My memory is not the greatest...long term, short term...either one.  I can admit that.  I don't like it but I can admit that.

My mom has a bad habit of saying, "do you remember Mr. Crabtree?"
Me, searching through the cobwebs in my empty attic of a brain, "ummmmm...I don't recall him."
Mom, "Emil Crabtree?"  (I'm shaking my head slowly)  "Oh sure you do!  He and his wife Agnes...went to Greystone Baptist Church.." (I'm raising my eyebrows, eyes wide, pursing my lips, sighing...still shaking my head) "they would dress in matching outfits, always sit on the left side of the church..."
I left out another sigh that sounds like it is chasing out my words, "nope...sorry...I just don't remember!"
She gives me that look like I'm just not trying or I'm lying...either way, she is frustrated with me and grunts at me then starts with, "Well ANYWAY..."

My kids will do the, "I TOLD you!"  to which I will follow it up with, "I'm not saying you didn't...I'm saying I don't remember!" 

I spend a goodly number of minutes of my day retracing my steps trying to find the coffee cup that I set down somewhere that I was most certain was at least half full of some really good coffee...only to find it half an hour later with very cold coffee in it...and it is only two sips, not a half cup. 

You know what I blame it on?  I blame it on using both halves of my brain.  One should either be left brain functioning or right brain functioning.  For instance:

While typing this I am watching a serious cop show while having a discussion with my daughter and her friend Amber about how to keep a flying squirrel from slamming into the wall when you throw them (everyone knows that you have to buy the attachable front airbag and back-up parachute separate!).  The cop show is making me angry while the girls are shaking their heads, laughing and telling me how disturbed I am. 

DISTURBIA...the sign that hangs over the entrance to the cobweb infested empty attic of my brain.

This is what a double-use sided brain gets you (besides a large prescription for buspirin):
As I drove into the Wally World parking lot I slowed for a large woman using a cart as her personal walker while she swayed back and forth as if to a soundtrack of Michael Buble singing, ironically enough, 'Sway' in her head while huffing and puffing as if every step was squeezing the last bit of wind from her lungs, with whom I assumed to be her zombified teenage daughter scuffling slowly behind in her well-worn flip flops while using what is left of her human operating system to click out a text message to her equally zombified teenage friends.  Not wanting to try and maneuver my car around these two subscribers to the Law of Snail Speed...I went to the next aisle and promptly pulled my car into the first available slot.  I HAD contemplated giving the two travelers-at-the-speed-of-smell a little nudge with the front bumper of my car as my way of helping out the forward moving challenged but I kinda like not having damage to the front of my car.  After a short conversation with the male offspring of mine who was settling into his seat as if it was his own personal twin bed, I prepared to exit the car.  HOWEVER, who was in my way but the aforementioned Forward Moving Challenged mother and daughter...squeezing between my car and the one beside me becuz, as it ironically turns out, it is THEIR mode of transportation and Large Woman wants to put the contents of the cart into the trunk.  Meanwhile, the zombie girl slows to a millimeter a minute shuffle by my door, obviously unaware of my eyes watching her and my door slightly ajar.  I thought of turning my head away while quickly throwing the door open, causing the zombie girl's phone to be dropped to the ground and break open, slide under her mother's vehicle while she falls forward into the back of said large pillowy mother, which breaks HER fall while the cart goes rolling too fast for mom to hang onto and mom falls forward to the ground, where, upon contract, her large bosoms act as big rubber kickballs and she bounces back up, and backwards, onto her daughter and into my door, causing it to close on my leg...and that right there is the reason while I chose to wait for zombie girl to slowly inch far enough past my door so that I could exit without bumping into her.

And all becuz I got out on the wrong side of the bed...or was it the right side?  It all depends on if you are lying on your back or your stomach when you wake up.

Okay...

Go Pedal Crazy Somewhere Else...

I found out today that TJ has weened himself off of his anxiety meds.  He said he quit 3 weeks ago and has already gone through withdrawal, that's why he was feeling so sick for a bit.  He KNOWS this is dangerous to quit them cold turkey but I also assume that he was not taking them on a daily basis before he just quit taking them altogether. 

He said, "I feel just fine!  I was only taking them to help me get rid of my tics but it wasn't doing anything for that so...why bother?  I'm doing good!" 

I find it rather extraordinary that he quit taking his meds about the same time he started a new job.  I'm glad he didn't tell me.  He knows I would have been 'helicopter mom' and hovered, wringing my hands and watching his every move.

I told him that I had come to the conclusion, anyway, after some more research, that he had possibly been misdiagnosed.  I told him I thought his problem was more that he has a very high functioning aspergers.  He just kind of looked at me like I'm nuts.  I told him it is just a theory...after all, he was always more comfortable with the adults, had problems relating to ones his own age, the anxiety and panic attacks are something that can come with aspergers, along with the tics, and his proclivaty to becoming zeroed in on/attached to certain things and the way he has of being able to remember details of things that the majority of the population doesn't hardly notice.  He just stood there thinking about that and he finally shrugged and said, "Whatever...I just wish there was a pill I could take to get rid of these tics."  His tics consist of mimicing the facial expressions of people he's watching on TV/in movies, etc.  Not those of actual ppl in front of him. AND he tends to make a little flapping noise with his lips when he's not paying attention to himself.  Could be worse.

He had a new girlfriend.  He was so proud of the fact that she is still a virgin, a Christian, goes to college and is not adorned by tatoos or facial piercings.  He brought her home to dinner one night last week.  He went to her church this last Sunday morning to meet her family and other friends.  Then, Monday night he announced to me that he broke it off with her.  I was surprised.  "Why?" 

"She's just another crazy chick.  I got so I was afraid to look at my text messages.  Every day it was something else she wanted to pick a fight about.  I got sick of the constant insecurities and the arguing.  I just finally told her to go away and take her crazy with her."

I just told him that I am proud of the fact that he has finally learned to get rid of the drama in his life that he really doesn't need to hang on to.  And perhaps this is why he really doesn't need his meds anymore. 

He is feeling more confident with his life...although he still has a long way to go with his schooling...but he is feeling good about his job.  I am glad he found a niche that he fits in for now.  So far, he is the ONLY ONE that hasn't been written up for work infractions.  He laughs becuz he says that they thought they all had him figured out as to who he is at work but are constantly surprised. 

For instance, he said that he swore at work the other day and they all gasped.  It wasn't the swearing...it was the fact that HE swore.  I laughed and told him that I thought maybe they thought he was a stoner cuz he seems so low keyed and talks rather monotone, doesn't move very fast, and there is no level of excitement about him.  He said, 'Um...no...they think I am some kind of choir boy...mostly becuz Dad told the manager before she hired me that I am a clean cut, church attending, dependable guy.'

Well...he is clean cut looking, even when he chooses to sport a 3 day growth on his face, and he does attend church but that doesn't mean he is a bible thumping choir boy.  He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, has no tatoos, no piercings...just wants life to be real without the drama...or the crazy.

Boy...do I get that!

What Next?

I try not to question my faith.  I know I have made mistakes and had to ask forgiveness and become the Christian I am supposed to be.  I get anxious and then realize I should pray and let God take care of it.  I should not question why things happen becuz I figure God knows what He is doing and this is where the faith part comes in.

Today, though, I am having a really bad time comprehending. 

Way back when I was in 3rd grade in school I made up my mind I wanted to be a teacher.   I never changed my mind about it.  As I went through school I made mental notes on what to do and not do once I became a teacher.  I graduated and my parents spent a lot of money on making sure I got my college education.  I spent a lot of time and energy on it.  I worked part-time jobs, also, to help finance it.  I took tests, I took grad. classes in the latest education 'trends' and got good grades; I got my license.

I recently interviewed with an eLearning school for a teaching position.  I realize I have been out of the classroom for 9 years but not out of the education loop, so to speak.  I have been a home school monitor with my teenagers for most of that time.  I have been on the opposite side of the eLearning classroom.  I have taken classes in how to use and incorporate various internet and computer applications with students.  AND when I was a classroom educator, I was very dedicated to making sure each and every one of my students were able to achieve their best. 

Today I get the "thanks but no thanks' email.  Again. 

I have hit my head against this brick wall so many times I am surprised I'm not in a major coma.

I guess I can thank God that he has allowed my husband to succeed in his endeavors...even with a stint with crack abuse, pot smoking, etc.  Bitter?  no. 

I just don't understand!!!  I tried to step out and maybe do something else but that got me nowhere but stuck with $6000 in student loans to pay.  Just where am I supposed to go and what am I supposed to do? 

I need some answers.  I need some direction.  And today is just not a good day to talk to me becuz I'm busy with a pity party.

A New Mind Game

My poor husband.  Just when he thinks he has it all figured out, he does something that gives me a whole new idea of a fun party game! 

It was about a year ago, or so, when he kept ranting at our son to look through his clothes because he was missing a certain shirt and he was SURE that it had gotten mixed in with our son's things.  He bugged the kid for 3 days and TJ kept insisting he didn't have it.  So...I got tired of the whining and looked in my husband's closet...not there...then went into his office and looked in the closet there...still didn't see it.  THEN I turned around and noticed he had some storage boxes in the corner with some clothes sitting on top.  I went through them and TADA!  The shirt!  I triumphantly carried it out to the livingroom holding it up in the air.  His eyes got wide and he said, "Where did you find it?"  I told him where and he just got a weird look on his face.  I didn't even get a 'thank you' nor did Jr. get an apology.

Then there was the matter of the mulching attachment for the lawn mower.  I had asked him about it and he said he had looked through everything in the garage and could not find it.  He angrily announced that it must have gotten left behind somehow during our last move.

About the 3rd time he ranted about it I made up my mind to clean out the garage...the bikes needed some space anyway.  So, while throwing things out I was sorting through a box and...TADA!  There is was...the mulching attachment.  I put it on top of the freezer by the door so he would see it.  He never said a word.  I asked him if he saw what was on the freezer.  He said, 'yes.  Where was it?"  "In one of the boxes in the garage."  I got no response.

So, for the past 3 days (3 days seems to be my breaking point) I have listened to his tirade about not being able to find a certain black belt.  He said he wore it Sunday to church and then threw it on the bed and it disappeared!  He said he looked over, thru and under everything in the bedroom and in his office.  SO, I looked through the dirty clothes hamper then under and through everything in the bedroom and his closet.  Nope.  Then I went into his office and looked under and behind everything in there.  I found two belts curled up on the floor in front of one of his book cases...he had told me it wasn't either one of those.  Then I looked in his partially packed suitcase and found one curled up in there.  THEN I looked on behind the suitcase and found one on the floor behind the suitcase.  I yelled out to him (he was in the kitchen) and asked him how many belts he had.  He responded with "four".  I told him I was seeing 4 belts...so he came down the hall to his office.  I pointed out the 2 on the floor and said, "I know it isn't either of them becuz you told me about them.  There is one in the suitcase, which I'm assuming isn't The One either." Then I held up another belt and he said, "That's the one.  Where did you find it?"  "On the floor behind the suitcase."  He looked puzzled and said, "I thought I looked there." 
"Obviously not....OR...maybe I was hiding it all of this time until now...just to mess with you."
He just stood there thinking about it as I walked down the hall.

And NOW I have a new game to play.  :D 
Until my son's girlfriend gets used to us...that is....then I'll have someone new to play with!  mwah ha ha ha!

Getting in the Way Another Day

We rented an SUV from National Car rental and becuz of hubby's employment perks we got the thing for a week for a whole $70 with unlimited miles.  I told him that he may not be getting what he's really worth in his paycheck but there are other perks like: free hotel rooms in upscale hotels, really cheap car rentals, and sometimes some almost free getaways IF we decide to have a stay at a place where he has to check in on a client issue...then his company pays for the gas, the room and most of the food!  LOL  If we want to really live it up, then the tab for the extras is on us but if it is just the 2 of us, it isn't a problem. 

He also gets to save his airline miles rewards to use for personal use so he's saving it up for a trip to Hawaii...and by then we will have lots of free room points so all we'll have to pay for is our food and extra fun!  How's that for living life on a shoestring?  LOL

We rented the SUV so we could take the doggies with us for the weekend up to the lake to see family for the 4th.  His mother told us we could bring the dogs there.  They were good and didn't stir up a fuss. She said we could bring them with us everytime we came to visit.  Now all I have to do is buy my own SUV or mini van, again.

Family members can sometimes be an aggravation.  Troy's sister is one.  Her kids are another...they learned self-centeredness from the best.  I really hate walking around with that lump of anger/aggravation inside of me and since I can't totally avoid them I had to sit and pray about a solution.  I'm not going for sainthood...just want to be able to shrug it off and not let it get to me.  So, here is something that I am going to try:  zero in on the positive thing(s) about them.  Then write it down in a note  and tell them how much I appreciate them for (whatever).  I am hoping this will help me overlook the things that bug me about them.  After all, it is just the way they have always been...always.  Of course, this could backfire in some way.  The worst that could happen is that they don't ever speak to me again.  That could also be a win.  Then again, my SIL doesn't speak to me unless she wants something...even then, she will ask my husband first. 

ANYWAYS...have an interview for an e-school teaching job on Tuesday.  Me and a bazillion other unemployed teachers in this state.  This particular e-school is hiring at least 75 more teachers for this next year.  I have sent applications and resumes to other e-schools in the state in the past month.  I figure the only way I am going to get into this is God is going to have to intervene becuz I have stiff competition.

We got the new roof on the house 2 days after we got back from our family visit.  Now I have to get busy painting.  I should have been at it already but I've hit a wall.  I can usually make myself get out there and get going but since we have been back I haven't been able to get myself to do much of anything.  I guess I've hit a 'depression pocket', as I like to call it.  This too shall pass. 

Since we haven't had the funds to take a vacation in the last few years, I decided this summer we are going to spend little bits here and there to do things close to home.  One of the first things I did was get some Cleveland Indians tickets to a game that is followed by a Lifehouse concert.  If you buy the game tickets, you get to stay for the show afterwards.  I LOVE Lifehouse and so does my daughter.  My son doesn't mind listening to them.  My husband doesn't know who the heck they are but he will go and like it...after all, I had bought him some concert tickets for 'Free' and went with him and they really weren't anyone I listened to at the time.  He owes me.  LOL

When he decides to take a few days off from his job we are going to rent some canoes and do the whole canoe trip down the river.  We have promised the kids we would do that for the last 6 years. 

Life goes by too fast.  You have to just make up your mind sometimes to take a breath and stop and then DO all those things you have put off doing.  Whatever is getting in the way of doing them will still be there to get in the way another day.

Fat Don't Crack

I look in the mirror and see shades of my mom...sometimes.  Since I've been losing weight, I have noticed little lines under the eyes and sagging around the jaw area.  blah. 

I never thought it would bother me...that I was so vain.  But I don't want to look 50...or older!!!  LOL  It went by too fast. 

Guess I'll have to go buy some of that cream that says it will smooth out fine wrinkles and tighten your skin.  Just how tight?  How much skin can it handle?  I hope it doesn't turn out to be some kind of hyper cream and I end up looking like Joan Rivers!  (she gives me nightmares!)

As for my hair color I have been dying it a lighter brown with strands of gold and red in it.  I am kinda liking it but my daughter and my husband tell me they like my hair the dark chocolate brown is has always been.  I tell them that since my hair is insisting on being gray (stone gray...ugly...with lots of white strands) I am going in a lighter direction so that I don't have to color it quite so much. 

I went into a phase about 4-5 years ago where I started wearing more makeup.  I never was a big make up wearer...very little lipstick, hardly ever wore eye shadow.  Just patted on powder, put on a bit of eyeliner and mascara.  But suddenly I started putting on more.  I figured it might dazzle and distract from the fact that I am aging.  But then, I quit.  After all, who really is caring?  I will get all dolled up when/if hubby is taking me out somewhere but otherwise, I will put on my basic lot of cover.  As long as children don't scream and babies don't cry when they see me, I'm good.  After all, I'm not advertising anything.

******************************************************************
I was having a bit of fun with the hubby the other day.  I don't know why I started thinking about this but he is part Italian and part Indian...oh, I mean...Native American.  Now THERE'S a combination for ya!  I was trying to figure out a way to combine the two.  I didn't want some big mouthful like 'African-American'...besides, I think one should pick a continent.  SO...I came up with "Italdian"  He just kinda chuckled and said he didn't mind as long as I make sure the ppl know he is a  "bow and arrow Indian" and not a 'Call Center Indian"   I thought about it and I said, "oh...you mean a feather head and not a towel head!"  Okay...okay...I know I'm gonna get some flack for all of that...but, COME ON! 

I am waiting to see what he comes up for me...I am part Scottish and part British...all from the same island but neither part likes the other one.

Walking Partners

Sssshhhhh....I found the 'secret' to losing weight...and keeping it lost.  Move.  Just that one simple word.  Move.    Well, of course you have to quit eating junk that really shouldn't be put into your body in the first place...chips, candy bars, ice cream.  And don't eat those already prepared meals in a box/bag.  Nasty bit of business there. 

I am not a weight loss know-it-all.  My friend Karen seems to be putting a bigger dent in her weight loss journey than I.  She has lost roughly twice as much as me and she has only been at it a few weeks more than I have.  But I had to learn...and to make the necessary adjustments.  While I may not have been putting in much actual exercise time (exercise as defined by machines or walking or programs or gym time) but I have been exercising in my own way.  I have put in a lot of gardening time.  The kind where you have to pull weeds, plant plants (digging), and lots of hoeing.  I have also put in 2 days of scraping and sanding and painting in one of our bathrooms.  That last is the source of my sleeplessness this night...and why I am on this contraption typing this blog post.  The smell has given me a headache.  I wore a mask but it didn't totally take care of all of it.

Anyway...what did I reap for all of my hardwork the last 2 weeks?  A WHOPPING 2 pound loss.  (are those crickets I hear?)  yes...2 pounds. (16 pounds total...in 5 months)  I am burning it off!  (oy).  I'll have you know in those two weeks I also used the push mower twice for a total of one hour each.  LOL  AND I went on 3 walks...each with a different member of my family.

Ahhh...the walks.  My daughter loves to go for walks but usually a teen stops by our house bored and looking for Ms. Divine.  So, off they go to one of the local parks, or uptown or both.  There are days when she will more than gladly go for a walk with me for close to an hour...with her chattering the whole time.  That's okay.  At least I know what is going on in her head.  When she was younger I would have to play 20 questions with her just to pull out a small bit of info. 

I talked Jr. into going for a walk with me...down past the city park to the boat dock on the river.  Once we got to the boat dock he just had to sit on the bench and REST.  After all, it was a grueling 20 minute walk!  LOL  It was a very hot and humid day and he complained most of the way about the fact that he doesn't like walking (he would like to have a motorized scooter!) and about the heat.  I was glad to make it back home and be rid of him.

THEN I actually got Sr. to go for a walk with me.  I thought Jr. was bad!  My husband can turn any event into a trial in hell.  From the moment we stepped out of the front door he was complaining...about anything and everything.   The neighbor's fence, ppl's lack of tree trimming, Jr. playing so many video games, how the kids don't pay attention, how I don't back him up...and when I tried to draw his attention to the flowering trees, instead of looking up, he looked down and criticized the way I walk to which I replied, "This is how I walk...you knew this about me from the day we met and you married me anyway."  That shut him up...fer a minit.

My walking...I am knock kneed is I point my feet totally straight so my feet have a tendency to want to point outward slightly.  When I was younger it was A LOT...so I had to do certain exercises to stretch the outer calf muscles and knee tendons and generally strengthen my ankles.  I CAN walk with my feet straight when wearing high heels or if I am not walking at a fast pace.  But when I have on my sneakers and am out to walk far and fast, or I'm hiking over rocks and up and down hills, my feet will point out slightly.  If I walk too fast and far with my feet straight, I get shin splints.  Ms. Divine's feet tend to want to point in...pigeon toed.  I told her I would have been a good ballerina while she will be good at downhill skiiing...which I had to give up becuz I could not point the ends of the skiis inward enough to stop so I had to sit down in the snow and use my butt as a brake.  (I SO prefer cross country skiiing!)

SO...we made it down to the river and he wanted to sit on the bench in the shade.  There was a guy practicing fly fish casting off the dock.  Sr. couldn't help himself.  He started shouting down to the guy and giving him 'advice' on where he should cast in the river to catch fish.  The man looked back at him and politely told him that he was just a beginner and was just practicing getting the hang of the cast.  Sr. was actually quiet for a moment but then he started yelling more advice...at which point I looked at him and said, "Are you ready to go back?"  I would have loved to enjoy the shade and the bench and the scenery a bit longer but I figured that guy was thinking, "it WAS quiet and nobody was bothering me until that loud mouth showed up."  So on the walk back to the house, since it is uphill, he was rather silent until we were a block and a half from home and I stopped to rub a knot out of one of my calves.  This caused him to criticize how I walk once more.  To which I replied, "I CAN'T walk that way when I'm walking fast cuz I'll get shin splints!"  He just got a weird look on his face and continued walking.  (sorry I'm not perfect!)*

So, I have come to the conclusion, it might be best to go on walks by myself.  Although having Ms. Divine along sometimes isn't too bad.

AND, I love gardening as a good source of calorie burning becuz no one else wants to do it and, gasp, raise a sweat or get dirty so I have the outdoors to myself.  I don't even take my MP3 player out there.  Just me and the neighborhood noises.  And when I work in the north side garden, I get to see one of the robins feeding its babies.  In the blissful peace and quiet.

*Becuz I am always trying to find excuses for ppl's bad behavior (including my own) I must add that Sr., while usually pretty negative and critical, was especially obnoxious these last few weeks becuz of 2 things: 1)he is, as my daughter laughingly says, off 'the pot' becuz as part of his year long court ordered Diversion it seems the court could ask for him to go to a nearby court approved lab and have a piss test done and he doesn't know when/if they will do that so he decided he had better abstain; 2) he has had an awful lot of clients throwing hissy fits and needing to be handled with kid gloves...all at once.  So, since he does not have his own customary type of anxiety meds ('the pot') to keep him calm, he is one big walking ball of ornery nerves and it causes him to pick at everyone and everything.

And now, sweet slumber is finally beckoning (I took half of a sleeping pill...cuz a whole one will knock me out for a whole 24 hours!).  And I think I shall head for the cool side of the pillow.

Definitions

I think about some things way too much.  It is summer and I actually enjoy getting outside and working in the garden…weeding out what I don’t want and planting what I do want.  While I am doing that, it is quiet.  I tried taking my MP3 player and headphones out there to keep me occupied but I discovered I preferred not having something piped into my head constantly.  I like being alone with my thoughts.  After all, when I’m in the house or the car, I have someone seeking me out to constantly tell me EVERYTHING of interest to them.  I love my family but what interests them, a lot, does not necessarily interest me and I don’t understand the fascination with so much talking.  Both of my kids are constantly txting AND talking with friends and my husband talks with LOTS of ppl all the time…it’s part of his job.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to know what is uppermost in their minds and life…the keyword being ‘uppermost’.  Cut to the chase.  Keep it simple.  I am just thankful for TiVo or I’d never be able to see/hear a whole show!
ANYWAY…these last few days I have been thinking about something that, ironically enough, our church youth pastor gave a sermon on yesterday: Not letting your past define you.
He used the examples of Judas and (Simon) Peter.  Judas betrayed Jesus.  He let his mistakes define him…and he ended up hanging himself.  Peter denied Jesus and was distraught but instead of letting it take him down, he picked himself up and went on to minister and witness to hundreds of ppl.
For some reason I had started thinking back through my life and thinking about how I had changed and all the things that shaped me into the person I am.  Some things I can’t explain and I guess there are just personality traits that you are born with and stuck with.  Sometimes, there are personality traits that you try to change and it ends up causing other problems…kind of like trying to divert a river to flow somewhere else…while it may help out one piece of geography it will kill another piece and tip the eco-system.
I will probably start writing down bits and pieces of my life just so I can step back and look at it and see if I can figure out what has caused me to be who I am and decide what is okay to let define me and what I need to put in the trash bag and set by the curb.
I know, I know…I am 50 and why bother?  Becuz, I have been concentrating on helping the ones I am closest to figure out what should define them and what needs to change for the past 30+ years and it is time I did that for me…becuz introspection is the hardest thing to do…becuz I am not dead yet and I figure I still have 25-30 years left in me (unless, of course, God decides it is time to pull the plug on this whole planet) and I want those years to be the best ones I can live.

Internet Exercise

I will be doing stuff around the house and think of something that I want to write a blog post about...then when I DO get to a point where I sit down at the computer, darned if I remember what it was I wanted to write.  I just do not 'do' computer so much anymore.

I have found myself to be a rebel about the whole computer thing lately.  I have been irritated by the amount of 'connection' that there is and, therefore, since the thought of it all irritates me, I connect less.  IPod, Iphone, IPad, blackberry, android, electronic notebook, skype, etc., etc.  Twitter, Facebook, chat, IM, blogs, etc, etc.  I never wanted to be THAT connected to the world!  Sitting down with Robin Meade in the morning while I have my first cup of coffee while munching on a Special K Protein Meal Replacement bar is about all the connection to the world I would like.

I find that job hunting online and filling out applications online to be quite the money and time saver.  It enables me to NOT get a job for free, now.

There is one tradition that hasn't totally died, yet...invitations in the mail.  I received one in the mail from a cousin yesterday.  Troy looked at it and asked who I knew in *Berkmire*.  I shrugged and he handed me this invitation-like looking envelope and said, "oh, it must be a *Calimar* thing."  He rolled his eyes and left.  My *Calimar* relatives are the only ones that have enough family members that are ALWAYS having weddings, graduation open houses, baby showers, etc.  And this is the snootiest one of the bunch.  Her precious daughter is getting married.  The daughter is somewhat of a disappointment to my cousin.  Even though the daughter has gone through college (something my cousin failed to finish) and earned not only a BS in Education but her Master's also and is a principal of a nice school, the daughter dares to marry a *gasp* 'lowly' mechanic. (They aren't so 'lowly'!  Have you seen the electronic equipment they have to learn how to use! )  AND the guy is Italian.  (insert blank stare)  My cousin is half Italian.  I guess she does not care for the Italian side of her family? 

The invitation clearly states it is 'adult only'.  Will there be porn included or something?  All I know is if I do not attend this wish-I'd-commmited-suicide family function then it would be worse than dissing the Royal Family Wedding.  Troy says, "SO!"  I said, "you just don't understand.  I need to go.  You don't HAVE to go.  I will go by myself if need be."  That last sentence I said with a down cast look and with a sad sigh in my voice.  Of course, he then said, "no, no...I'll go.  This is something you want to do so I'll go."  works every time. :D

I figure if I have to suffer, he can too.  He owes me. 

So now I have 8 weeks to whittle my figure down.  I am feeling one long stretch of Biggest Loser Last Chance Workouts.  How many L Bs can I drop in 8 weeks?  No, I will not burden myself.  However, sometimes you just need a good REASON...I mean other than my lower back hating me.  And other than stepping on the scale only to hear it creak as if it is going to burst at the seams.  And other than my hips JUST managing to fit between the arms of the diningroom table chair.  And other than...okay...y'all get the picture. 

Here I go.  If I don't check back in within a week, you can assume I'm dead.

Numbering My Days

I have spent the last few days helping my son wade through some sticky algebra.  Some of it was new to me and the book he had didn't fully explain things.  Since I am not in his class, I could not be there to hear how the instructor explained it and he doesn't write down words...only formulas (the same ones in the book) so his notes were of no help to me.  I had to go online.  Even then, there was a not a full explanation of things. 

Projectile formula.  FINALLY, after 3 days, I got to the 'OH!" moment.  I now get it.  I could explain to him how they reached the number they did for how long the projectile was in the air...and what the two 'answers' meant.  One is the projectile going up...the other is the projectile going down.  Add both numbers together to get the amount of time the projectile was in the air.  I know that sounds simplistic but you first have to find the highest point the projectile reached.  The rest is all relative.  And I am RUSTY at this.  I loved it though!

Then there was this one word problem.  I did it 4 times.  Set it up wrong the first three times becuz I just wasn't thinking through the wording correctly.  Got completely frustrated and pushed it aside.  I am not one to give up.  I knew if I walked away and did something else then went back and read it anew it would come to me.  I was right.  Wrote down the formula correctly and it was a piece of cake after that.

I think getting my math masters will leave me bald. 

My son does know what he's doing.  He just has to stop and think...I told him he knows and he just has to take his time and think it through...like I had to that word problem that was kicking my butt.  AND like the projectile formula (btw...that makes me think of the projectile vomiting of formula that my son did as a newborn...I wonder if I could have written out a formula to figure out how long the formula would stay down and how far he would launch it after it came back up?  I had to switch to soy formula)

He is already getting anxious about his next algebra class that he has to take this summer...then the trig class in the fall.  Personally, I get excited thinking about it.  I am a world class geek.  yikes.

Writers Wanted, Part 2

So perhaps I could write about tutoring my kids at home...while they are supposed to be getting educated at the school they are enrolled in.  I had to teach them organization: both class work and for writing essays, stories and reports.  I had (have) to help them learn their math.  I guess I'm not doing so good at that becuz my daughter was a GREAT math student until she hit middle school then something went wrong.  I had to help her with her lessons becuz she didn't understand what the teacher was trying to show them in class.  I would spend about 5 minutes explaining it, I would hear, "OOOHHHH!" and she would whiz through her homework and get an A.  My son did well in math...always, as long as I sat and explained it to him then he was off and running.  Now he is in college and he is majorly struggling with it.  He KNOWS if I sit and show him and work with him a bit he gets it.  Yet, he still resists doing that!  Now he is freaking out becuz he has one more class this summer (algebra II) then Trig in the fall.  I have to figure out how to instil some confidence in him with this math.  He works through it slowly, second and third guessing himself through it all.  I have told him ALL his life, "You are looking for something 10x's harder than it really is!  It is NOT that difficult.  There is a logic and pattern to everything."  If he can sit and use html code to build a web site without the help of web builder programs, then he should be able to do math! 

Parenting takes listening...REALLY listening.  Listen for what they are really trying to tell you between the words coming out of their mouth.  The even more difficult part is listening to what they are trying to tell you when they are saying nothing.  You have to KNOW your kid. 

There have been times when I quit listening to my son.  I said I didn't get him.  I may not always GET him but I know him.  I think what I took as not getting him is really being afraid of what I know.  He is scared, unsure, and any confidence he had in himself has slowly leached from him and down the drain.  It is really tough trying to prop him back up. 

Sometimes they need it.  Most times they need it. 

My daughter doesn't fool me.  She puts on a brave face and acts like she is 'good'...has it figured out OR she can figure it out herself.  But I know what is really there becuz she is me.  I was just like her..still am.  We all need someone to at least be by us as we journey forth, and sometimes clear a path for us once in a while, no matter how old we are.

I get weary myself becuz all my life ppl have stood back and let me do it all myself.  They have ALL thought that I have a plan...I'm determined...I am smart...I know what I want and how to get it...I don't ask for help becuz I don't need it.

Here's a clue:  It's the ones that DON'T ask for help that need someone else to give them a break and start clearing a path for them once in a while.  NO ONE always knows...

And that is why my daughter can count on me to be there to hold her hand or start clearing a path for her once in a while.  She won't ask...but I know she would like to.

My son is trying to be strong and independent.  He is doing the 'guy thing'.  Getting help from mom with his college math makes him feel like a kid...a mama's boy.  I think tomorrow I am going to put a label on my shirt that says, "Math Tutor".  Wonder if that will make him feel any differently?

I guess by the time I am done with my math tutoring of my kids I will have made up my mind if I want that masters in math ed. or not.

Writers Wanted, part 1

I was amused while looking through an online version of the old hometown newspaper...I glanced through their classifieds.  They have fallen into the same pit as a lot of online newspapers;  their employment classifieds are actually Monster boards.  ick.

What amused me was the ads for writers...blog writers.  One of the ads was for someone who was an expert on parenting to write a blog on it.

My thoughts exactly.

Everyday is an adventure in parent land.  My mother made it look so easy, for the most part.  Then again, she was always in a whirl. 

When my son was small, there was something (and don't ask me what it was, I think it had something to do with table manners) that flipped a switch about a fundamental piece of handy info all parents should be told about raising kids: They don't just automatically know stuff...they have to be TAUGHT EVERYTHING. This should be common sense for parenting but it reallys doesn't seem to be.  I think my generation just really never got it.  Want proof?  Just look around at the generation behind us...not ALL of them are messed up but enough of the percentage of the population to make it seem like they are all pretty much without morals and lacking a logical thinking process.

I have noticed too many parents of my generation that just figure their offspring will automatically KNOW stuff.  Where's the guidance?  And not everything has to have a good 'reason'...sometimes courtesy should be good enough.  But when the children grow up with parents that are so centrally focused on themselves they kinda get the idea that this world is pretty much 'every person for themselves'.  I still believe in the golden rule: do unto others as you want them to do unto you.  I have raised my kids that way.  They are finding out that not too many ppl think like that.

AND the death of the golden rule is one of the reasons this country is in the state it is in...but that is a whole nother rant entirely.

Just Keep It Simple

Got rid of all of that busy background.  I couldn't stand to look at my own blog!  There is something to be said for keeping things simple.

Just like anything I do...I find that if I want time to do anything for myself, I have to keep the rest of my life simple.  Summer is coming and even though I want my yard and gardens to look nice, I do not want to be like my parents and be a slave to my yard.  That is all they do all summer and fall...work on their yard/gardens.  My mother complains about how much work it is...and she doesn't seem to believe in garden fabric or using Preen or anything else that might help.

Last summer we did most of the hard work.  I figure this summer I can add a little tweaking to some of the gardens.  Next summer the same.  But there is NOT going to be the hard labor this summer that there was last year.  I want to enjoy some of the summer with my family...go kayaking, biking, etc.  The kids won't be around much longer...and even if they are, we are all getting older.

Life goes by so very quickly.  I liked the home I grew up in but all I remember is my parents constantly redoing parts, adding on, improving, working in the yard, etc.  Thank goodness for the motorhome or we would have NEVER done anything.  We could count on at least 2 weeks ever other year.

And now, you know what?  I am going to go sit in the family room and read a book.  Troy is gone..the kids are watching some goofy show in the livingroom.  I have taken care of dinner and laundry AND I did 3 miles on my excercise machine.  Perhaps a nice glass of Traminer Reisling would go good with that book.

Resurrection

When I was a small kid, even with all the Sunday School lessons, I was still somewhat confused about Easter.  I thought of Easter as the day the Jesus was crucified.  I thought Good Friday was the day He was captured and brought before Pilate.  I did not see what was GOOD about that. 

Then when I got older, I realized the Easter was the day Jesus rose from the grave. Good Friday was the day Jesus was crucified.  I REALLY didn't understand what was GOOD about that.  With age came understanding...and then I began to understand why it was GOOD Friday.

IS Good Friday.

My son has had a rough go of it since he was in kindergarten.  At least from where I'm standing.  That is when we started to move about.  Each school system he entered, he tried to make friends and fit in.  Mainly what he got was bullied.  It all piled on to his anxiety until his mind and body got together and decided to revolt against going to school.  His father has given him a bad time about it.  I have tried to help him in anyway I can.  I think TJ needed something in between the two of us...and it would have been nice if we could have met halfway and I really would have loved to...but his dad can be unyielding.  Things are SUPPOSED to go a certain way and everyone MUST conform. 

It is not easy dancing between two such anxiety driven ppl.  I have my anxieties but God has helped me hold it together most of the time.  I have my 'collapse' points.  But when I collapse...they ALL do so I try not to do it very often. 

ANYWAY...with all the bad places my son has gotten into...and all the bad, mean spirited people he has had to deal with I have seen a deterioration of his spirit.  I can understand but I did not want Satan to add another one to his 'lost' multitude. 

When TJ was younger...about 9...he used to lead some of the 'lessons' for youth church.  The leader, Kirk, was impressed with all the TJ knew and understood about the Bible and would let him have a part of church to lead every now and then.  Kirk said TJ had a natural talent.  I have heard him speak...and, yes, you would never know that he was shaking like a tree in a hurricane inside.  He is intelligent with a bit of humor added.
I can't help but wonder if my mother might be correct in believing that TJ has a higher purpose.  Perhaps that is why his life has been so rough on him.  Satan doesn't want TJ to do good and help others.

I know...it sounds outlandish to some of you. 

But here's the thing...I have been praying really hard for my son...my son's spirit...his soul.  Today we went to Easter service.  I remember sitting there and thinking, "I am feeling REALLY energized today and exceptionally happy to be here...and TJ doesn't look like he's ready to fall asleep."  The Pastor did a sort of dialogue...he was dressed like an old Roman Soldier...he recounted the capture, torture, trial, crucifixtion and rising of Jesus from the grave.  He really went into detail of how things were at that time in history.  And I remembered how, as a little kid, I thought Pilate was a terrible man.  But now I realize that he really did not want Jesus to be imprisoned or crucified.  He was a man that was not sure where he stood on the matter of Jesus and he was caught between a rock and a hard place.

After Pastor Brad was done with the dialogue, an older man from our congregation stepped up the stairs to the edge of the baptismal pool.  Pastor Brad recounted how this man had prayed with him and questioned him for years about God, Jesus, Christianity, etc. and now was convinced that it was real and something he wanted to be a part of...he asked to be baptised.  So they stepped into the pool, the man's wife prayed over him and Pastor Brad dipped him into the water.  When the man stepped out of the pool into the arms of supporters waiting with towels, Pastor Brad said that he had brought some extra towels incase anyone else just happened to feel that they were ready to be baptised.  For some reason I looked over at my son and to my astonishment he raised his hand.  He and another woman from our congregation were baptised this morning.  When the Pastor asked TJ if he had someone he wanted to pray for him, TJ said, "I would want my mom to but she's losing it so I guess I should ask my dad."  The congregation kind of snickered.  But he was right...I was crying and could not stop. 

TJ has been so very happy today.  He seems like he has some peace back in his life.  But as I told him now he is REALLY going to have to pray and stay close to God because Satan is NOT going to be a happy camper.  Satan will throw whatever he can at TJ trying to trip him up and bring him down.  TJ says he knows and he also knows that he has others praying for him and giving him support. 

My prayer has always been for the guardian angels to surround my family with their wings...to keep the evil from penetrating and harming them.  When I don't ask, there is trouble. 

Ask...and ye SHALL receive.  You just might not receive it in the way YOU had wanted but God knows what is best.

Candy Nylons

Dandelions.  A lot of ppl pronounce it "Dandy Lions".  I don't think they are so dandy.  I spent two afternoons digging them up out of a square garden area in front of the house.  Troy spent time spraying them out of existence around our front lawn and part of the side yard.  I STILL have to spray the rest of the side yard.  While I do like the dots of yellow color that breaks up the green of the lawn, I also feel the slings and arrows being tossed at us from the surrounding neighbors as they hide behind their window treatments muttering curses under their breath.  Oh...the shame of it all!

On a good note...I thought we were going to have to buy all new shutters for the house this year.  One of the shutters in the front was missing a slat.  I did not know how or why...and the color was fading.  I didn't mind that so much cuz I hate the drab brown of them.  THEN whilst digging up those dandy-lions from the front garden I stopped in front of the window and looked at said slat-missing shutter...then looked at the one on the other side of the front window.  I looked back at the broken one and wondered WHY these ppl would have put two different sized shutters on the window.  The broken one was longer than the other one. 

Then my youngest sister called.  While talking to her I got up close and REALLY studied the broken shutter.  I tapped on it with my finger and discovered it was aluminum...not fiberglas like I had always thought.  THEN I noticed it was put together in sections.  Someone flip a switch...the light bulb came on!  I pushed at the bottom of the broken shutter and it slid up to the same length as the other one and pushed the slats together and...there are NO missing slats!  The shutter had just come loose at the bottom. 

I can't believe I was THAT dumb about it!  So unlike me to NOT check something out for myself...especially when it bugs me so much!  I have been yapping at Troy about that shutter for over a year now...and I never checked it out myself.  Well...they are ALL coming down, getting scrubbed and painted another color.  Just like the front door.  yep. 

All becuz of Dandy Lions....and my sister.

Muttering Under My Breath

Still busy with job applications.  Right now I would be happy with a part-time job at Wal-mart!  I was kinda hoping that the summer would yield a teaching-type gig with one of the many kiddie care places around here...you know, to work with the school aged kids they will be inundated with once the last day of school hits.  Nothing so far. 

Jr. has had a FEW job interviews.  Nothing that has yielded him a job, either. 

Nothing much really going on with my life right now.  I had to get myself some books for the brain.  Not that they are heavy with new things to learn.  They just give your brain something to think about a bit.  My daughter seems to have the same kind of 'thinker' that I do.  I lent her my book "The Geography of Bliss" and she seems to be enjoying it as much as I did.  She wants to borrow my Malcolm Gladwell books next.

I am trying NOT to think about what my son may be up to at this point.  He seems to be doing well in his classes and getting his work/projects done.  But that 'love interest' that he has had for the past year and a half is no more.  Especially after I told her mom to put a sock in it and told the girl I really did not want all the drama and, besides, while I didn't mind their friendship, anything beyond that I really did not approve of...although they are both over 18 and I can't REALLY do anything much about it but let her know my feelings about it.  She told TJ that she thought it would be best if they waited until they both finished college in about 2 years then try to work things out then.  He said, "yeah...like THAT'S going to happen."  What I am worried about now is this...he has a NEED to always feel like there is some female that is interested in him.  I worry WHAT he will dig up next.  His track record with picking female love interests has been about as bad as they come.  All I can do is pray and TRY not to worry about it.  My mom would tell me I am borrowing trouble.  She of all ppl should know better than to tell me that...after all, she raised my brother AND my oldest sister.  No details needed.  Then again...she raised me.  wow...nuff said.

I am waiting for the next change.  In the meantime I am watching what I eat and exercising.  I am really liking that new strength training machine in the basement.  My back and shoulder muscles especially need strengthening.  I work on all the other muscle groups, too.  I also put in some good cardio time.  I just want to shed this extra outer wear.  I have lost 10 pounds.  Sad little amount but I keep trying.

I get to pick up the new bikes sometime this week.  Thursday looks like the best chance...no rain.  Not sure when exactly we will get to USE these bikes.  The weather can't be crappy ALL year, can it???

I Am the Volcano

All these years and all of this time spent dancing around everyone else...trying to understand everyone else...making excuses...trying to 'fix' other ppl's problems.  All of that to avoid ME.

I avoid thinkiing about things that happened to me in the past and dealing with the emotional/mental backlash.  It deepened my anxiety...it drove me first to anorexia (control...needed to feel in control of what happened to me) and when anorexia didn't work...I ate.  And ate.  I guess the key was to bury my feelings and thoughts and make myself as unattractive as I could. 

But...you know....I realized that I don't want to be killing myself.  I found that people still like me and, after going to that stupid class reunion, I also found that guys still hit on me.  Why?  I have no freakin' clue.  I think THOSE guys hit on me becuz they have some 30 year old image of me from HS and can't see the reality.  They know I was a 'good girl' in HS but I'm older now and becuz they all are feeling their mid-life crisis then surely I must be too and the 'good girl' thing is blown cuz...well...after all...I have kids.

So...I want to feel good about looking at myself in the mirror.  I want to be the REAL me...screw my head on straight...walk straight and don't deviate.  Live by the code that got me through school and other parts of my life as safely and un-anxious as possible: "If you step out of line JUST ONCE, you will get caught.  Do the right thing and you have nothing to worry about."

I ran all over that map and now it is time to be a logical, rational person...with a weird sense of humor. 

Time to strip off this armor of 'extra me'.  Which I am working at...the right way.  Slowly but surely.  Altho, I am kinda wishing the 'slowly' part wasn't quite so slowly.

I have to quit blaming myself for everything that happened to me in the past.  Sure, maybe some of it could have been avoided...maybe not.  I trusted way more than I should have.  But that is part of who I am.  I give ppl the benefit of the doubt.  I just don't trust EVERYONE like I used to...and I might check somethings out more than I used to...but that is only using some common sense.

Hey...live and learn.  If you don't learn, you can't live.

Excuse Me but You Have a Grudge Hanging...

RE:  Last post:  In Addition To...

I was discussing things with a friend.  One that has been on many sides of the box...in, out, under, on top, etc.  A friend with a level head and doesn't mind turning a mirror on me. 

I may not appreciate some comments or looking at my reflection at the time, but I try really hard not to get too defensive and argumentative.  I try not to get angry and feel hurt.  I look at it one of two ways: 1) either the person really doesn't know the whole story of many years in the making, all the drama that goes with it, and I just ignore what they say to me without malice, OR, 2) the person is being a REAL friend and trying to help me through a situation that they know the whole story about and aren't afraid to be REAL with me.  I can take it.

So here's the thing....my son was wrong.  I am not saying the whole thing was his fault or that he was ALL wrong.  He had been already having a bad time that day, that he had not thus far shared with us, AND Dad had been reading him the riot act for 3-4 days in a row...his anxiety level just burst and he went off.  I can get that to a certain extent.  However, he was the one that said a lot A LOT of things that just shocked the stuffing out of me and he kept pushing his dad's buttons and pushing and Dad WAS really really trying to keep himself under control.  Jr. was the one that started hitting...until Dad grabbed him by the throat and put him up against a wall.  He let go right away. 

They apologized to each other later...like it really changed anything.  However, I was the one caught in the crossfire.  Troy wouldn't speak to me hardly for 2 days.  He said he was angry at me for not backing him up...not taking Jr. off and settling him down. 

At first that really burned me up.  After all, I didn't start it, I didn't engage in it...but...I am the mom.  And Jr. is a kid.  A 20 year old kid...but a kid.  Who lives under our roof.  Troy has been trying to be better.  Maybe I think he should try harder BUT he perhaps is trying as hard as he can.  I should be doing more about Jr...and I should not leave Troy out there to hang on his own, either.

I realized something else that isn't so pretty about me.  I still carry a lot of hurt and anger over what he has put us through on various occassions.  I still hold it against him for leaving me on MY own...not sticking up for me with his 'buddies' early in our marriage, picking time with his friends over time with us, etc.  I am still holding on to that grudge.  I can never heal if I continue to hang on to it. 

People have often asked if a couple/relationship can ever truly heal after certain kinds of hurt.  The irony is...I'm not sure we ever had a REAL relationship.  So, the only place ours has to go is to get better...or just leave it in a heap and walk away. 

I traveled to Wichita and back with Troy these last few days.  Stood by him as he faced whatever punishment was coming his way from the DUI.  He did well.  His punishment is all of our punishment since it will take money from the family budget for the next 3 months.  But it will not go on his record.  He can argue that it is technically HIS money since HE earned it...but it is the money that is used to pay bills and buy groceries, etc.  And I will manage, somehow.  I usually do....with lots of help from God.

After the trip...all those hours in the car...being nearly run off the road 4-5 times by semi's that really don't give a honk if you are in the lane they want to be in NOW...putting up with drivers with a one track mind or no mind at all...I have a whole new perspective of what he goes through and puts up with.

I could whine that it is always me putting myself in everyone else's shoes to understand what they feel like...yet I don't seem to get the same back.  BUT, 1) whining does no good, 2) not everyone is made like me.  This is who I am.  And I need to kick my son's butt more and figure out how to let go of a grudge.