I have several Christian friends that have been dragged through the muck of divorce...spouses that cheated and left them. I have gotten some advice on what to expect, how to navigate, etc.
So, today I am not going to let what he does push my emotional buttons anymore. I am going to distance myself from him as much as possible. And if it all works, if I stay true to the course, and God answers my prayers and I follow scripture...I won't be including him in my blog posts for a while.
I deleted his phone number from my cell phone so that I cannot pick it up and text him whatever my emotions stir up. I put a rubber band around my wrist to snap anytime the thought of him enters my head or I begin to utter something about him from my lips. I have been writing down scripture to guide me and remind me how to get my emotions and actions under control; to remind me who I should be as a Christian; to remind me that God cares about me and loves me and He will give me back my life...the one He has planned for me.
This will be like being addicted to cigarettes for the past 25 years and trying to quit cold turkey. The difference there being those cigarettes can't do anything to you themselves.
I told the kids what I am doing and that it is basically so that I cannot be crazy mom. I told them that they can talk about their dad between them but not to talk to me about him for a while. The only exception is if he does something that is very upsetting TO them, then it is okay if they come to me. I showed them the rubber band. I asked them to forgive me for my past craziness and they just smiled and nodded.
I think I should also force myself out there to join at least one Meet Up group. Find life outside these walls. Perhaps try a new church. I don't know. I need some 'new' that had nothing to do with him.
So, here I go. Say some prayers for me.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Narcissistic Tendencies
I do not know WHERE to begin. I need to go out into the middle of the woods...far, far away from all humanity...and just scream my head off...all the things that I would like to scream in the face of the Narcissistic Asshole from whom I was recently divorced.
To begin with...Christmas morning he decided he was going to Skype with the kids while they opened their presents. I had suggested it about a month ago and he whined that he didn't want to get up that early. I told him he could go back to bed but whatever...why put himself out for the kids. So he decides the day before that he is going to do it. Fine.
I sat to the side and let him have his time with the kids and I didn't have to see him and vice versa. I heard him. Turns out he wasn't there alone. The kids didn't tell me until this morning...the day after Christmas...just so I wouldn't be upset on Christmas Day. I had one day to not feel so badly about him. Although, I will admit the sound of his voice irritated me. And I was feeling past any anger towards him...or any feeling. It was making me feel lighter and happier.
So, it came out. TJ said he was pissed because his dad thinks everyone is so stupid that they wouldn't notice the shadows of someone moving around behind him, that he was whispering over his shoulder, and Bethany saw him hand someone a box. I told TJ that perhaps his dad wanted us to know about her. He seems to think it is more that his dad thinks he is smarter than everyone else and we are all stupid.
I confronted his dad in text about it. At first he got angry and said it is his private business. Then he backed up and said he isn't saying there was anyone there. I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't whispering over his shoulder to himself and handing boxes to ghosts. AND I am pretty sure she didn't just pop up out of nowhere over night. He told me not to jump to conclusions and that I had already made my mind up to what I was going to believe and that it wasn't necessarily right. He was getting mad and I told him I didn't know why he was getting mad. We are divorced and why should he care WHAT I think. I really don't care what he DOES...I just get pissed that he can't tell the truth where a lie will do. Then again, I don't know why I ever expected him to be truthful. I told him I am not planning revenge or anything. I just don't care at all.
Frankly, now that I have been proven right about my suspicions I feel SO much better. I will no longer blame myself about any of it. PLUS, considering how he acted when he visited at Easter time, things he said afterwards, and the week before he suddenly told me he wanted a divorce, I think it is a bit more than just having a gf. I am thinking he got himself into a stupid position. That could be wrong but it is kinda difficult to hide that sort of thing. All I know is I am going to get a quit claim deed done so I can get his name off the deed to this house so that if the skank has reason to take him to court and go after him for money, etc. she won't get her claws into MY house. I am not going to lose out, again, because of his stupidity.
THEN our son looked at the shirts his dad bought him...3 of them...3 bow ties, 3 shirts. The shirts are size large...he tried them on and he was swimming in them. I looked at that and uttered, "WHAT A MORON! WHEN HAVE YOU EVER WORN A SIZE LARGE? IT IS WHAT HIS FAT ASS WEARS!" TJ just looked at me and with a slight crooked smile on his face he said, "Tell me what you really think." TJ wears a men's small. This is how much his dad has ever paid attention.
I told TJ that he had better text his dad about it because if I do, I will go off on him. And it will do no good because he always finds some way to work things around to it being someone else's fault.
All I know is...I am on to the next level. If it turns out I am right about that skank being pregnant I will actually laugh and laugh. He went out there to Kansas and thought he could do whatever he wanted to do and no one would know. He is so very stupid that way.
I did text him and tell him, "BTW, genius, if you want to have a relationship with your kids, NOTHING is ever just YOUR business." He has always had some stupid idea that as long as what he did was not anywhere near us and did not include us, that it didn't matter and had no bearing on our lives. I hit him over the head with that I don't know how many times. "You are not an island! You have a family and EVERYTHING you do has some impact on our lives too. We are the ones that will have to live with the fall out."
He is a MORON. yep...that's how I really feel.
To begin with...Christmas morning he decided he was going to Skype with the kids while they opened their presents. I had suggested it about a month ago and he whined that he didn't want to get up that early. I told him he could go back to bed but whatever...why put himself out for the kids. So he decides the day before that he is going to do it. Fine.
I sat to the side and let him have his time with the kids and I didn't have to see him and vice versa. I heard him. Turns out he wasn't there alone. The kids didn't tell me until this morning...the day after Christmas...just so I wouldn't be upset on Christmas Day. I had one day to not feel so badly about him. Although, I will admit the sound of his voice irritated me. And I was feeling past any anger towards him...or any feeling. It was making me feel lighter and happier.
So, it came out. TJ said he was pissed because his dad thinks everyone is so stupid that they wouldn't notice the shadows of someone moving around behind him, that he was whispering over his shoulder, and Bethany saw him hand someone a box. I told TJ that perhaps his dad wanted us to know about her. He seems to think it is more that his dad thinks he is smarter than everyone else and we are all stupid.
I confronted his dad in text about it. At first he got angry and said it is his private business. Then he backed up and said he isn't saying there was anyone there. I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't whispering over his shoulder to himself and handing boxes to ghosts. AND I am pretty sure she didn't just pop up out of nowhere over night. He told me not to jump to conclusions and that I had already made my mind up to what I was going to believe and that it wasn't necessarily right. He was getting mad and I told him I didn't know why he was getting mad. We are divorced and why should he care WHAT I think. I really don't care what he DOES...I just get pissed that he can't tell the truth where a lie will do. Then again, I don't know why I ever expected him to be truthful. I told him I am not planning revenge or anything. I just don't care at all.
Frankly, now that I have been proven right about my suspicions I feel SO much better. I will no longer blame myself about any of it. PLUS, considering how he acted when he visited at Easter time, things he said afterwards, and the week before he suddenly told me he wanted a divorce, I think it is a bit more than just having a gf. I am thinking he got himself into a stupid position. That could be wrong but it is kinda difficult to hide that sort of thing. All I know is I am going to get a quit claim deed done so I can get his name off the deed to this house so that if the skank has reason to take him to court and go after him for money, etc. she won't get her claws into MY house. I am not going to lose out, again, because of his stupidity.
THEN our son looked at the shirts his dad bought him...3 of them...3 bow ties, 3 shirts. The shirts are size large...he tried them on and he was swimming in them. I looked at that and uttered, "WHAT A MORON! WHEN HAVE YOU EVER WORN A SIZE LARGE? IT IS WHAT HIS FAT ASS WEARS!" TJ just looked at me and with a slight crooked smile on his face he said, "Tell me what you really think." TJ wears a men's small. This is how much his dad has ever paid attention.
I told TJ that he had better text his dad about it because if I do, I will go off on him. And it will do no good because he always finds some way to work things around to it being someone else's fault.
All I know is...I am on to the next level. If it turns out I am right about that skank being pregnant I will actually laugh and laugh. He went out there to Kansas and thought he could do whatever he wanted to do and no one would know. He is so very stupid that way.
I did text him and tell him, "BTW, genius, if you want to have a relationship with your kids, NOTHING is ever just YOUR business." He has always had some stupid idea that as long as what he did was not anywhere near us and did not include us, that it didn't matter and had no bearing on our lives. I hit him over the head with that I don't know how many times. "You are not an island! You have a family and EVERYTHING you do has some impact on our lives too. We are the ones that will have to live with the fall out."
He is a MORON. yep...that's how I really feel.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Joy
My son...who has become somewhat of a wise voice to me at times...had another talk with me about my depression and my latest round of crying.
I don't like crying. I remember one time sitting at the table for dinner (and I can see this incident like yesterday) and Troy had said something that hurt my young daughter's feelings AGAIN and she started crying. So diffuse the situation, I looked at her and did my best impression of Tom Hanks from the movie "A League of Their Own" and said, "Crying? Are you Crying? There's no crying in dinner!" She started laughing, everyone started laughing and we ended up having a pleasant dinner.
It wasn't her crying that I didn't like. It was his way of making them cry...and me too. And I particularly hate that I cry now. I wish I could really pinpoint why I cry.
People tell you that a divorce is like a death. You have to mourn the loss. I think that is bullshit. It feels more like a violation. You trusted this person...you opened your heart, you shared EVERY PART of yourself, they got to know you intimately in so many ways and they walked away with all of that knowledge of you. They walked away with all of this intimate knowledge of you...and it feels like you were violated. Your trust was violated. You were just violated in so many ways. Like someone hacking into your life. THAT'S what divorce feels like. And THAT is why is has bothered me so.
Everyone tells me to find something to do with my life that will make me happy...or I would like to do. And for some reason this morning, I came across what I would like to do: Christian Life Coach. It may seem ironic considering all I've gone through but getting certified would also help ME.
I had a friend call me the other day asking me if he could talk with me about something. He said out of everyone in his life, he thought of me because he said he knew I would listen and be able to give him some clues of what is going on and maybe what he needed to do to help the situation. It was a situation with his wife of 30 years.
I thought that was something. He thought I was the person to go to. I did listen and I did give him my thoughts on what happened and some things to do for them to help themselves. He has been trying my suggestions and he says they have helped. I hope it works...especially considering that I am walking blind.
So, this is something I am honestly going to check into. I found a school to check out to get my certification. I am going to read up on it some more. I may be able to do it in conjunction with my church...considering they are sorely lacking in any kind of counseling. There are lots of people that need it...counseling. Heaven knows I could use some myself.
I don't like crying. I remember one time sitting at the table for dinner (and I can see this incident like yesterday) and Troy had said something that hurt my young daughter's feelings AGAIN and she started crying. So diffuse the situation, I looked at her and did my best impression of Tom Hanks from the movie "A League of Their Own" and said, "Crying? Are you Crying? There's no crying in dinner!" She started laughing, everyone started laughing and we ended up having a pleasant dinner.
It wasn't her crying that I didn't like. It was his way of making them cry...and me too. And I particularly hate that I cry now. I wish I could really pinpoint why I cry.
People tell you that a divorce is like a death. You have to mourn the loss. I think that is bullshit. It feels more like a violation. You trusted this person...you opened your heart, you shared EVERY PART of yourself, they got to know you intimately in so many ways and they walked away with all of that knowledge of you. They walked away with all of this intimate knowledge of you...and it feels like you were violated. Your trust was violated. You were just violated in so many ways. Like someone hacking into your life. THAT'S what divorce feels like. And THAT is why is has bothered me so.
Everyone tells me to find something to do with my life that will make me happy...or I would like to do. And for some reason this morning, I came across what I would like to do: Christian Life Coach. It may seem ironic considering all I've gone through but getting certified would also help ME.
I had a friend call me the other day asking me if he could talk with me about something. He said out of everyone in his life, he thought of me because he said he knew I would listen and be able to give him some clues of what is going on and maybe what he needed to do to help the situation. It was a situation with his wife of 30 years.
I thought that was something. He thought I was the person to go to. I did listen and I did give him my thoughts on what happened and some things to do for them to help themselves. He has been trying my suggestions and he says they have helped. I hope it works...especially considering that I am walking blind.
So, this is something I am honestly going to check into. I found a school to check out to get my certification. I am going to read up on it some more. I may be able to do it in conjunction with my church...considering they are sorely lacking in any kind of counseling. There are lots of people that need it...counseling. Heaven knows I could use some myself.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Conversation
Sometimes I just need someone to sit with and have face to face conversation about nothing in particular.
And when did he stop missing me...and finding it easy not to say "I love you"
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Wearing it Out
I am so glad I have a blog. I can come here and pour my heart and my thoughts out. It doesn't get tired of anything I write.
I experienced something very very scary tonight. I made a quick trip to the Walmart for some extra supplies that I needed to finish my cookie baking. The music was playing, couples were shopping...Christmas was everywhere. And so were reminders. And I realized that all the cookie baking, present buying, Christmas song sing-alongs, and Christmas decorating had not helped me find my joy. In fact, it is even more evident that I have no joy. Where my joy was is a bottomless pit. And it hurts...an unending, all consuming ache. And the darkness of it all pulls me in.
I barely made it through the store. The tears started down my face as I reached my car. I cried all the way home, into the house and for another 15 minutes at least after that.
I feel so alone.
I had a chat with a friend of mine with the same first name...and she got married 3 months before me. She had some pretty nasty 'adventures' with her husband's behavior at one time, also. She has told me for years that she felt that as soon as the kids were over 18 he would divorce her. But, luckily, that is not the case. She was telling me that they go for walks in the town together, go out to eat, do other things together.
As I was driving home from the store, and crying, with that terrible pain...I understood how people can be so depressed and hurt so bad that they commit suicide. Then others say, "They were just being selfish." Well...yeah! They are so much in pain and so enveloped in the murk of depression that all you can think about is ending it so it will stop. However, being a Christian, I know better.
I pray and pray and I may find more understanding but it doesn't make the pain quit. What the brain comprehends doesn't make the heart feel any better.
I know my marriage was not good. But, all the same, it was my marriage. I had gotten used to it. I had been there for him and done so much for him...for our marriage. And he chose single over me. I was not good enough for him...important enough for him. Everything I did made no difference.
Now HE is the one being selfish. I know that what everyone tells me is true...that I will make it and I will be better off. However, that still doesn't make the pain go away.
I experienced something very very scary tonight. I made a quick trip to the Walmart for some extra supplies that I needed to finish my cookie baking. The music was playing, couples were shopping...Christmas was everywhere. And so were reminders. And I realized that all the cookie baking, present buying, Christmas song sing-alongs, and Christmas decorating had not helped me find my joy. In fact, it is even more evident that I have no joy. Where my joy was is a bottomless pit. And it hurts...an unending, all consuming ache. And the darkness of it all pulls me in.
I barely made it through the store. The tears started down my face as I reached my car. I cried all the way home, into the house and for another 15 minutes at least after that.
I feel so alone.
I had a chat with a friend of mine with the same first name...and she got married 3 months before me. She had some pretty nasty 'adventures' with her husband's behavior at one time, also. She has told me for years that she felt that as soon as the kids were over 18 he would divorce her. But, luckily, that is not the case. She was telling me that they go for walks in the town together, go out to eat, do other things together.
As I was driving home from the store, and crying, with that terrible pain...I understood how people can be so depressed and hurt so bad that they commit suicide. Then others say, "They were just being selfish." Well...yeah! They are so much in pain and so enveloped in the murk of depression that all you can think about is ending it so it will stop. However, being a Christian, I know better.
I pray and pray and I may find more understanding but it doesn't make the pain quit. What the brain comprehends doesn't make the heart feel any better.
I know my marriage was not good. But, all the same, it was my marriage. I had gotten used to it. I had been there for him and done so much for him...for our marriage. And he chose single over me. I was not good enough for him...important enough for him. Everything I did made no difference.
Now HE is the one being selfish. I know that what everyone tells me is true...that I will make it and I will be better off. However, that still doesn't make the pain go away.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
LIving Out Loud
Sometimes if I spend enough time praying and thinking on a problem/subject I can gain understanding or find a solution. Sometimes it is a matter of talking out loud.
Two things I had an "A ha moment" about this week. One I came by with the first method, mentioned above. The other came by me through the second method.
The first revelation was this: The Ex called me about cookies that are being sent to him. I have been baking lots of cookies because I enjoy that at Christmas time...and some years I enjoy doing gingerbread houses. I am not sure I am going to get to the gingerbread houses this year. ANYWAY, he called to tell me he doesn't like anything peppermint so please don't send anything like that (this was something I didn't know!) but then he started to tell me how to pack the cookies to keep them separate. I cut him off with, "I know how to do it and that you have to keep them separate so they don't all taste like peanut butter or gingerbread!" He quickly said, "I know you know that...I was just making sure."
That statement right there stuck in my head. And, a few hours later a light bulb came on. ALL these years I have understood that our son, and daughter, have anxiety problems...severe anxiety problems. And those problems manifest themselves in different ways. I know what they do to deal with the anxiety. I never really thought of Troy as having anxiety problems. I thought he was just a control freak that believed no one was as intelligent as he. But that statement he made was bouncing around in my subconscious for a while and picking up past similar statements and moments...and there was a lot of them. And...TADA! ALL those times when he would stand there telling me how to do something and I would get so ticked off because I took it personally...as if he thought I was really that stupid...and I would angrily tell him, "I know! I'm not stupid! I don't need directions from you!" and he would always say something like, "I know you know, Nancy! I'm just tellin' ya something!" and go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I would yell at him, "Well, if you know I know, then there is no need for you telling me what to do!"
It was his coping mechanism with life. He couldn't help TELLING people things anymore than TJ can help getting fixated on things and Bethany can help avoidance and snapping ppl's heads off. If I had just understood that...given him as much thought about his behavior as I did the kids', there would have been less yelling. It still wouldn't have fixed the problems with our marriage but it would have been one less thing. I sent him an email and admitted my revelation to him and apologized for not understanding that. I also told him that my problem has always been people treating me like I'm stupid and that is probably why it didn't occur to me before...I was having my own typical reaction to his obsessive behavior in this case. We most likely would never be able to resolve that problem if we had stayed together. Oil and water.
Now...for my second revelation...
I have had this painful problem with my right Achilles tendon for probably about a year. It gets inflamed and it is SO painful...feels like it is being put through a shredder. I have tried stretching exercises and anti-inflammatory drugs...nothing helped. Then, it seemed to be gone. Haven't had a flair up in a long time...until 2 days ago. I had to run to the grocery store and get some things and I noticed as I pushed the cart back to the car my tendon was paining. great....had to be on my feet doing cookies. And while in the kitchen the bottoms of my feet started hurting so I decided to put my sneakers on because they had some pretty good padding inside of them. By the end of the day I was in mucho pain...that tendon was on fire! I ended up in the recliner chair for the night with my feet up and my tendon cradled in an ice pack. I woke up a few hours later and the pain was gone.
My oldest sister is a physical therapy assistant and I was telling her about it. She said, "That is a puzzler!" Then something came to me! I told her.."Wait. I have been wearing everything but my sneakers for a while...bought myself some leather shoes...a few pairs...and been wearing those instead of the sneakers. Thursday I put on my sneakers for some reason when I went to the store. And my tendon started hurting. THEN I put the sneakers on while I was working in the kitchen and it got worse! O M G! It is my sneakers!" I had worn nothing but those sneakers for a long time..when I went to work, everywhere I went, just about...then I decided to get some real 'grown up' shoes and quit wearing those.
I like having the sneakers to wear for working out on the gazelle and other equipment. And every time I am done with my work out, that tendon hurts. I just thought I wasn't stretching it enough before hand. Now I know...need a new pair of sneakers.
Speaking of working out...Troy sent the kids a new picture of himself, via text, wearing a new Cleveland Browns jersey he bought himself. His face is thinner and his double chin is just about all gone...his hair is longer and all gray. Not sure why he quit coloring it...you'd think he would if he wants to attract a female but I guess since he has a good paying job the hair color doesn't matter. But, I am now mentally using his weight loss as my own personal motivator. I have to have something to motivate me more.
Ironically, my hair is longer too...and I haven't colored it in months. It is slowly turning white. My daughter and TJ's fiancée both pronounced it as becoming a 'pretty white' instead of nasty gray. I am not sure if I am going to continue to let it go and become white. I have a box of color ready and waiting incase I decide I don't like looking at it in the mirror. But, for right now...it is what it is. I am 54 and why should I care anymore?
Two things I had an "A ha moment" about this week. One I came by with the first method, mentioned above. The other came by me through the second method.
The first revelation was this: The Ex called me about cookies that are being sent to him. I have been baking lots of cookies because I enjoy that at Christmas time...and some years I enjoy doing gingerbread houses. I am not sure I am going to get to the gingerbread houses this year. ANYWAY, he called to tell me he doesn't like anything peppermint so please don't send anything like that (this was something I didn't know!) but then he started to tell me how to pack the cookies to keep them separate. I cut him off with, "I know how to do it and that you have to keep them separate so they don't all taste like peanut butter or gingerbread!" He quickly said, "I know you know that...I was just making sure."
That statement right there stuck in my head. And, a few hours later a light bulb came on. ALL these years I have understood that our son, and daughter, have anxiety problems...severe anxiety problems. And those problems manifest themselves in different ways. I know what they do to deal with the anxiety. I never really thought of Troy as having anxiety problems. I thought he was just a control freak that believed no one was as intelligent as he. But that statement he made was bouncing around in my subconscious for a while and picking up past similar statements and moments...and there was a lot of them. And...TADA! ALL those times when he would stand there telling me how to do something and I would get so ticked off because I took it personally...as if he thought I was really that stupid...and I would angrily tell him, "I know! I'm not stupid! I don't need directions from you!" and he would always say something like, "I know you know, Nancy! I'm just tellin' ya something!" and go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I would yell at him, "Well, if you know I know, then there is no need for you telling me what to do!"
It was his coping mechanism with life. He couldn't help TELLING people things anymore than TJ can help getting fixated on things and Bethany can help avoidance and snapping ppl's heads off. If I had just understood that...given him as much thought about his behavior as I did the kids', there would have been less yelling. It still wouldn't have fixed the problems with our marriage but it would have been one less thing. I sent him an email and admitted my revelation to him and apologized for not understanding that. I also told him that my problem has always been people treating me like I'm stupid and that is probably why it didn't occur to me before...I was having my own typical reaction to his obsessive behavior in this case. We most likely would never be able to resolve that problem if we had stayed together. Oil and water.
Now...for my second revelation...
I have had this painful problem with my right Achilles tendon for probably about a year. It gets inflamed and it is SO painful...feels like it is being put through a shredder. I have tried stretching exercises and anti-inflammatory drugs...nothing helped. Then, it seemed to be gone. Haven't had a flair up in a long time...until 2 days ago. I had to run to the grocery store and get some things and I noticed as I pushed the cart back to the car my tendon was paining. great....had to be on my feet doing cookies. And while in the kitchen the bottoms of my feet started hurting so I decided to put my sneakers on because they had some pretty good padding inside of them. By the end of the day I was in mucho pain...that tendon was on fire! I ended up in the recliner chair for the night with my feet up and my tendon cradled in an ice pack. I woke up a few hours later and the pain was gone.
My oldest sister is a physical therapy assistant and I was telling her about it. She said, "That is a puzzler!" Then something came to me! I told her.."Wait. I have been wearing everything but my sneakers for a while...bought myself some leather shoes...a few pairs...and been wearing those instead of the sneakers. Thursday I put on my sneakers for some reason when I went to the store. And my tendon started hurting. THEN I put the sneakers on while I was working in the kitchen and it got worse! O M G! It is my sneakers!" I had worn nothing but those sneakers for a long time..when I went to work, everywhere I went, just about...then I decided to get some real 'grown up' shoes and quit wearing those.
I like having the sneakers to wear for working out on the gazelle and other equipment. And every time I am done with my work out, that tendon hurts. I just thought I wasn't stretching it enough before hand. Now I know...need a new pair of sneakers.
Speaking of working out...Troy sent the kids a new picture of himself, via text, wearing a new Cleveland Browns jersey he bought himself. His face is thinner and his double chin is just about all gone...his hair is longer and all gray. Not sure why he quit coloring it...you'd think he would if he wants to attract a female but I guess since he has a good paying job the hair color doesn't matter. But, I am now mentally using his weight loss as my own personal motivator. I have to have something to motivate me more.
Ironically, my hair is longer too...and I haven't colored it in months. It is slowly turning white. My daughter and TJ's fiancée both pronounced it as becoming a 'pretty white' instead of nasty gray. I am not sure if I am going to continue to let it go and become white. I have a box of color ready and waiting incase I decide I don't like looking at it in the mirror. But, for right now...it is what it is. I am 54 and why should I care anymore?
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