Cracks are Closing

My daughter called me last Saturday.  She asked me if I would be mad if she and Jordan did not move up here but bought a house more near her brother.  I just laughed and told her 'no', it is their lives and they need to be where they need to be that is best for them.  She said that she knew I was looking forward to her moving up here.  I had to stop myself because I have been TRYING to talk them out of it for 2 years!  I just told her that actually I am happier that they don't move up here because if she had then I would have had to stay here until I die.  I am not fond of the area and if they stay down there, then once my parents die I will move back down there. I would be looking to move down there now but I like being with friends right now. But things will change over the years and it will be good to be near my kids again.

I am still hoping to sell my house and maybe find a nice place in the same town as my parents and brother and sister.  The realtor is coming next Friday.  She is going to look it over and we are going to talk about my timeline, moving forward, etc.  I received a sale estimate of $40,000 more than I bought it for.  Minus seller costs and realtor cut, I should have $47000 left to drop on another house.  OR I could pay off some things and drop the rest on the house.

I like the last option better BECAUSE, whatever house I buy I will not be living in it until I die.

Back to the first subject...I told my daughter that I only moved back here to this part of the state because I needed to be near family and some of my friends for a while...out of that house that so many ghosts in it...for my mental health.  I feel like I have come a long way.  

Caught In My Brain

 I am definitely a product of my parents.  My mother has anxiety and needs to have control over things.  Since she learned to let go of trying to control what her kids do (I must have been quite the disappointment when I moved back here because she was expecting someone she would have to take care of and I refused to let her do it) she has put herself into the outdoors around her.  I won't even get in to that.  I will say, her need to 'prove' her worth has caused her to neglect her physical and put too much strain on her shoulder replacement and now it looks like she will need a new one.

My father has dark moods.  They will come out of nowhere and he refuses to interact with anyone...and it is best if you don't try to make him, either.  He doesn't get physically violent (although I have seen him snap and throw things a few times) but he is surly in his conversation and says things that can be hurtful.  On the other hand, when a problem presents itself, he will roll it around in his head and look it over, consult books, etc, until he comes up with a solution. Once he is engaged in that, let him go.

I have my mother's anxiety but have learned to step back from my kids' lives.  It was easier with Bethany because she and Jordan showed me a long time ago that they can work together and solve things together.  They plan and implement the plan. With my son, he has been more needy.  I enabled that.  I admit it.  He had a problem and instead of letting him figure it out, I jumped in and took over.  I was always worried about his stress/anxiety level and afraid he would regress into panic attacks.  He is doing okay now.  And, with each thing he learns to do on his own, it is having the opposite effect...he is gaining confidence and losing some anxiety.  Really, I should have realized that would happen but...I just couldn't seem to let go.  

I am pouring myself into my work and my home again.  I am finding time for friends around me...even in this time of COVID.  I passed my first class on Auditory Processing Disorder with a 100% A+.  I am working on another class that is in it's second of 3 phases.  I passed the first phase with 100%.  

I had to replace a shut off valve on the toilet in my main bathroom.  I happened to have bought one because I had noticed that it wouldn't shut off and I knew I had to replace the inside working of the toilet tank. Then it suddenly started dripping profusely all over the floor a week later.  So, there I was, with wrenches taking it apart and putting the new one on.  My dad came the next day and replaced the tank parts for me while I was working.  He didn't seem to mind and neither did my mom.  He got out of the house, was busy and my mom got some time to herself as well.  I am glad I am useful.  LOL  When foraging in the basement for my Christmas decorations I found a surprise. When I came back from TJ's when I went to see the new home, I brought back some rubbermaid storage boxes that I have leant them to pack and move.  I put them in the basement.  It so happens they were beneath my main bathroom, right below where the toilet sits. And when the shut off valve flooded the floor and the water leaked through the floor around the toilet, it all fell inside the empty storage box.  If that box hadn't been there, they water would have been all over my basement floor.

Back to my classes...they have projects that have to be put together.  I read all of the assignments and see what will be expected then I roll it around in my head for a while until I come up with something that will satisfy my class project AND I can use with my students as I make lessons. That way, I am not doing double the work.  It saves time and I can see my project working as I submit it for a grade.

You should see my daily calendar.  I have it all lined up with what I have to do.  This included writing IEP documents, phone calls to parents, recording help videos for my students, doing my course work, etc.  

The problem with what dad and I do...getting lost in the problem...is we neglect ourselves.  I have tried to include time, now, to revamp my diet to make it work better for me.  I have also done some thinking about me and how I respond and act with people.  You sometimes don't see your own problem.  People come at me and want to DO things and take me along and my first response it to recoil.  'That's not in my plan!'  I think part of it is I don't trust.  Another part of it is I am afraid that they will decide I no longer fit into their life and will leave and I will never see them again.  I am trying to be okay with that possibility.  No one likes rejection, after all.  I also am trying to be okay with the idea that just because you meet people and like them, does not mean you have to be in each other's lives.  I don't have to be everybody's friend.  I may like who they are and what they do....possibly though there are just enough things about each of us that would not be a good fit to be constant friends.  I may have a small tight circle of people that I trust and want to be around but that's okay.  I have never been a 'large circle' kind of person.  It is tiring to be that way...for me. I feel like I am on display.  I have learned that I have my own thoughts and likes and if someone is in agreement, great but if not, they are allowed that also. Move on and out.  I don't take it as a sign of rejection of ME...just differences.  And some people are not comfortable with those differences.  I am not comfortable with some differences. 

Sometimes I alter my plans.  Like today.  I took a break from teaching today so that I could get my course work caught up.  I was overwhelmed and I have learned to recognize it and give myself a break before I have a melt down.  So, having acknowledged that, it is time to get back to it.  

The Big Melt

 This week has been extremely stressful.  Along with all of the other problems...trying to write IEPs, teach classes, record extra help sessions, our school system going on the blink...the Language Arts teacher quit Thursday morning.  THEN the lawn guy showed up and I told him if he wanted to wait until he mowed the lawn of the woman behind me so that he could do them both at the same time, that was okay with me.  He left.  Then called me up 3 hours later yelling at me that I was just trying to save money so he wasn't going to mow my lawn anymore.  

He wouldn't let me talk.  He said he'd made up his mind and hung up.  It sent me into an emotional tailspin.  It was like major PTSD.  My mind goes spinning, my chest hurts and it lasted for the rest of the day and night...into the next day.  It took me until this afternoon to feel somewhat normal.  

Then I watched a show that had something going on in it that started it all up again.

I would love to 'get help' but I can't afford it.  I don't know if it would even help.  The whole thing worries me because I know that on my mom's side of the family they ended up in states of paranoia as they aged.  I am too young to be in that state yet but I could be sinking into it all ready.  

I sit here and start feeling badly that I am alone and don't see much of anyone and if I sat here and died I am not sure there would be anyone that would feel bad or miss me.  I know that isn't true because my family would.  But friends?  Who?  Susan and Debbie would miss me but probably not much.  We all have been so busy with new things in our lives and our jobs we haven't had much time to spend together.  I am hoping by October that will change a bit.

But I want to be loved...someone that would be so heartbroken if I died.  Someone whose life I would make a big hole in if I died.  

I also realized something else today.  I got out of the house and went to a very long garage sale.  It was a 60 mile long garage sale.  I think we went 10 miles.  I stopped at my parents' for a little bit.  Then came home.  I felt better.  I need to get out and have a group of people.  

I have to make sure I go to church on Sundays and Bible study on Wednesday night.  I need a group of people and out of my house.  My mental health depends on it.  

Time Flies Need Eradicated

 The school year has sort of started.  Kids haven't started but the rest of us have.  We did not have to go to the big family fun meeting place this year.  I was SO happy.  I HATE that place...so much confusion and it is COLD and the food sucks.  I don't like having to check the bed for bed bugs.  uck!

I was separated from my teaching team I was in last year.  I was placed in a POD that has 2 new teachers and 2 new Intervention Specialists.  A POD consists of 2 ELA gen ed teachers, 2 math gen ed teachers, 4 Intervention Specialists. Each POD consists of 2 teams.  MY team is the 2 new teachers and 1 new Intervention Specialist.  The math teacher from the other team, I worked with a couple years ago in a POD. She called me yesterday afternoon because she said she felt she needed to see how I was doing with all of this NEW.  She told me that she says I should take it as a compliment...that obviously they felt I was capable enough to help get the new people on track and get everyone through the year. She said she felt I was always on it and ready.  Even if that is true...I don't WANT to be that person.  This year is going to be crazy enough without having to take on all of this NEW.  However, I don't seem to have a choice in the matter.  

Charity...the IS I worked with last year...is upset because she said she wouldn't have made it through last year without me.  She messages me now still and asks me all kinds of questions.  Tonight she messaged me and asked me if I had seen the new students that we got.  This was around 7 o'clock. I told her, "Why did you have to mess up my night with talk of work?"  She said she was sorry but they just put out a new spreadsheet and now she has 36 students.  I found that quite suspect so I had to go check my work computer.  I found the email, opened the spreadsheet and sorted for our names.  I still had 18 students.  I told her, "I only see 18 students under your name." She said, "yes and I already had 18 students." "Charity, if you look at the names, you will find they are those same 18 students."  "oh"  Then she spent the next 10 minutes messaging me 'sorry' memes.  I told her it was fine...no harm.  she could relax...yada yada.  Oy

My younger sister may find herself without a job and no pay since her school district is planning on closing down and doing online for at least the rest of the semester and since she is a paraprofessional they said they would not be working, would not be paid and could not file for unemployment because they are state govt workers.  She just bought a new car in June to replace the old van that fell apart in March.  

My son is looking for his next job when this contract expires in October. He says it does not look like he will be hired on full time.  They said they will be letting contract workers go.  

And the hits just keep on coming.  My brother said things where he works are nuts so he took the week off.  

I just need to keep trying to make some positive changes for myself.  More exercise each day.  I have been doing some each day but I need to start increasing that.  I am drinking a lot more water.  I need to try some yoga.  I also need to make my butt move out the door and off some place every once in a while.

My front door is waiting to be painted along with the trim around the outside and inside.  I also need to get my house number sign completed.  I hope it is not raining Saturday.  

I also am registering to take a 3 semester credit hour class this semester about processing disorders.  I have until December 1 to complete it.  My school is paying for it and I need the credit hours to renew my teaching license.  yay.  

Pete and RePete

 My son came and spent a week with me.  He arrived May 16.  He had a work from home job so he worked from the desk in the 2nd bedroom.  We had dinner together each night. We visited my parents a few times.  He spent time arguing with his wife on the phone.  We watched some movies.  He complained about the things his wife does and says to him.  He contemplated not going back.  He contemplated divorce.  Then when the next Saturday rolled around, I told him that if he was going back he needed to leave that day because the next day it was going to rain and he freaks out driving in the rain.  So, he packed and left. 

Pete and RePete.

I have 6 more student days left.  I am SO over this school year.  I also have an interview with a new school tomorrow.  I interviewed with them last year and the head of the SPED department wanted to hire me but enrollment was down.  We shall see how it goes this time.  It is less work and more money.

I am not sure how I feel about anything.   I am doing some more fixes to my house.  Nothing major.  Railing on the front steps, more landscaping, paver walk to the porch, lattice privacy screen to the back deck, flooring in my bedroom, new paint on my bedroom walls.  The landscaping makes me happy.

I  am thankful that things are moving along somewhat normal for myself.  However, I miss my friends and doing things.  That sounds juvenile but it is lonely.

 

Bath for Birds and Pile o' Weeds

I did not think this would be quite so difficult.  I told myself, "life will not change so much.   You work from home, you live by yourself."    But it has.  I cannot see my friends.  They will text and call but it is not the same.  No sitting at each other's houses having tea or beer and conversation.  No going to a store or restaurant together. 

TJ's job got cut right before he was to start.  The hospital closed parts of it and laid off 50% of the IT department.  They told him that they would bring him in once things opened back up.  But who knows when that will be?

Susan, whose husband died 2 weeks after my divorce was official, has not sat still since.  She got busy and completed the remodel of their house that was planned in order for her mom to move in. Then she packed up her mom and moved her in.  She joined a book club and volunteered at the community food pantry, among other things. She kept on working her job at the school.  But then this stay-at-home corona virus thing hit and the school buildings closed and since she was a paraprofessional she just had to stay home...not clubs and she couldn't volunteer because she was worried about bringing germs home to her mom.  She has had nothing but time to think  and it is all settling in...her life without her husband. 

Debbie called me tonight.  She had told me over the weekend that she had to go stay with her mom because she had fallen outside and hurt her hip.  She said she was pretty resentful because her 4 siblings expected it of her because she is the single one.  She says her mom smokes a lot and is lazy and the smoking bothers her breathing.  She also is resentful because she works long hours as a nurse and now she has to come there and clean up.  Tonight she told me that she is considering buying her mom's house and then she will have her own place, she will fix it up and when her mom is gone, the house is hers.  She said her mom can pay her rent.  Her siblings told her to do that.  I told her that the fixing of things is that pain in the butt part. 

That seems to be my siblings way of thinking of me.  When one of our parents dies, since I am single, I will get to take care of the one that's left.  I wouldn't mind but their attitude seems to be that I should just sit quietly and stay out of the way until they need me.

I tried to give my father my extra laptop.  It has a really fast processor and I took all of my stuff off of it.  He was complaining that his laptop was slow.  BUT as soon as I mentioned giving him my extra laptop he ran out and bought a chromebook.  I overreacted about it when it was none of my business.  I apologized for questioning their need to buy that when I could have given them a free computer.  I was being ornery.  I had been anxious all do and found myself having intermittent panic attacks.  I had seen someone post on FB "remember, there are some that are quarantined with abusers."  and it just sent me over the edge.  I really did not expect a reaction let alone panic attacks.  All day.  I ended up taking 2 CBD oil capsules so that I could calm down and sleep.  I woke up this morning and I felt the anxiety rising in me again so I took 2 more capsules.  I told Debbie that those reactions just need to be done already.  She said, "you need more therapy.  Yet, you bought a bird bath."  I told her that working outside IS my therapy.

I went down the road to my cousin Tommy Jr.'s tonight to drop off my touchscreen laptop for him to fix.  I will be SO happy to have that back. Well, since my dad does not want this laptop I am typing on right now, I will give it to TJ's wife, Brittany.  Tommy Jr. is fixing the other smaller, slower touchscreen laptop that the ex bought me 6 years ago.  I will have that for a back up incase  something happens to my favorite touchscreen. 

Any how, I have a lot of weeds to deal with outside tomorrow an a bird bath to deal with.

Swing Like a Chandelier

   I had my first shocker.  The 'kids' had a day with dad and his female roommate.  They went bowling and out to dinner.  I am happy they had a good time with him for once.  But then it happened...SHE had a picture taken of all of them together with something about spending time with family.  I didn't mind what she put but it was a bit of a shock to see a picture of my family with  her standing where I always stood in the pictures.

   She messaged me with how she know it is hard to see someone else with the man I had been married to for 25 years and that they loved each other.  She also said she would never try to take my place with my kids.

   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I messaged her back and told her I had no problem with him having someone else in his life because him divorcing me was a blessing.  He put me through enough.  And I certainly wasn't worried about her taking my place with my kids because I am their mom and they love me.  I dislike HIM for the way he treated me in the end.  I told her it would be nice if he had grown up and knew how to be in love and good luck with that.  She had to message back that they had been open and honest with each other and he had shown her all emails and text messages.  I just said 'sure'.

    I.do.not.care.  BLOCK.  I have to get used to the pictures now too.

    I was stupid and called my older sister to say something about the picture and what a sort of shock it was.  Her reply was, "that's what happens with divorce.  Oh well."

   A "I'm sorry, I know that must have been difficult."  would have been nice.  Again, I am insane to think that I would get even a bit of fake empathy from any of my family.   I know it has been 5 years but I am not sure it ever really gets easier.  I can sort of understand why people get addicted to drugs.  They take them to numb the pain.  I am sick of it coming back and hitting me in the middle of the chest.  I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if he hadn't moved to Kansas...if I had had to put up with his presence all of the time.

   I have wondered if it would make things easier to have someone else in my life.  Someone that really cared about me.  I have hid and put off trying to mix and mingle until I felt sure my damage was behind me but now I am feeling that if I wait for that I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.  I really feel like the damage will never be behind me.

   I love my kids but I almost feel like I wish that I had stuck to my original plan and never gotten married.  But you can't go through life and totally avoid the bad feelings.  It would mean you would never care about anyone or anything.  Ever.

    I can feel my insides curling up and turning sour.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Gather up the sunshine and push it to the top.  Sometimes it seems like such a struggle.

The Dance Continues

     I gave Lucy a shower today and brushed her teeth.  She's gotten used to the showers but the teeth brushing is not something she is kind about.  I did the best I could.

      I cleaned the shower then took one myself.  I realized as I was thinking about taking her to my parents' house for the Eve party with my family (and to stay the night) that I was feeling uptight.  Why?  Because I was already hearing all of the comments about Lucy in my head, "be careful about petting her...she'll shed a lot" "make sure she is eating her treats on the sheet on the floor so that the crumbs don't get into the carpet"  "She shouldn't get a treat everytime she goes to the bathroom outside.  She's over weight" "What did you feed that dog?  She's smelling up the room!"  "Quit barking!" She only barks when someone mentions going outside then she gets so excited she will bark.  I would be thinking, 'I am moving as fast as I can!  I am sorry if this is bothering you!'

    Then it struck me...that was my whole marriage...dancing on the edge of that volcano trying to keep ahead of it so as not to upset Flawless. 

     I 'lost' a friend but I am not angry with that friend.  We both seemed to snap about our friendship at the same time.  I think we both felt it coming but we ignored it...tried to deal mainly because I THINK we realize that neither one of us is a bad person and we like each other for the most part BUT it turns out that things I was doing was upending her recovery and things she was doing was causing my post divorce PTSD to come out.  I was feeling like I had to justify my decisions and actions.  And things I was doing was bringing out her old anxieties and setting her back. 

     It is sad.  She is funny and kind and I miss her but it reached a head.  I guess it is true that sometimes people are in your life for a purpose and a time.  I am used to them leaving so this is no different.  To be fair, I was leaning and depending on her when I should have been going to a support group or talking to a professional.  My recovery and mental health was not her responsibility.

   In the meantime, I have to figure out how to hold myself together around my family.  They don't like inconvenience.  If I tell them I can't eat certain things they roll their eyes and groan.  If I tell them that certain things they say or do causes me extreme anxiety, they will basically grumble to each other how I need to get over it.   Can you imagine if my family liked to drink alcohol and I was an alcoholic and was in recovery?  They aren't much for support.  They are avoiders and believe in ignoring things like psychology is a bunch of crap.  I mention support groups to any of them and they give me ALL kinds of reasons not to go. 

    I am tired of people telling me everything that is wrong with decisions I make that I KNOW will benefit me, even if they don't understand it.  I really need to shrug and keep moving.

And then the bough breaks

    My ex once told me that it felt like I was always on the other side of a wall.  Once he voiced that I tried to let go and open up and FEEL. 

     I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless.  Relationships  end. 

     My marriage ended.  Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out.  I don't mind the divorce.  I was honest with myself.  It was the way it was ended that upended me.  But one cannot be  martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing.  He could not have made that more clear.  I was not anything special.

     I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals.  He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs.  He's done that all of his life.

    Losing other relationships is hard too.  I understand why sometimes they end.  Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them.  Also, as people go through these events, it changes them.  It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship. 

    No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me.  Unfortunately, it affects my depression.  I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first.  I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled.  I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile. 

    My son  is floundering also.  It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly.  I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous.  He was packing to come here last weekend.  They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide.  I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order.  I gave him a list.   He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas.  His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days.  TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2.  I am not sure how long he will stay.

     He is also struggling with employment.  It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April.  This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are.  And you can't.  I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life. 

     Reset your life.  That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life.  Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME.  There is no time to fall apart.  You have to be strong for those around you.  You have to be true to yourself.  And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away.  It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.

     There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.

Nope

Nobody new in my life.  Only new plants.  planted.  outside.

I have 2 trees coming down in a few weeks.

I complained the gas company into checking the lines in my house...including the fireplaces.

I find it HYSTERICAL that when I call the gas company AND they ask for my account number, they can't find me....they can't find my phone number but BoY HoWdY they can find me to send me a bill!

I am trying to figure out a way to raise money to put up a fence along my property line next spring/summer between me and The Godpenguin next door...him and his wife aka Shreekie Quinn.
Ugh.  It will cut into her exercise routine because then she will not be able to mow MY YARD!  It should not bother me?  Less for me to mow?  At first I thought that but after she had mowed on a Wednesday, I mowed on Saturday morning (ALL of MY yard) and then she went out..right AFTER me...and mowed over it AGAIN..I knew there is a definite problem.  I do not want the drama. Put up a fence.  Done.

My mother is now telling me that after this winter I may be wanting to sell this house and move on. She thinks the winter will be too cold for me.  I just bought this place.  I have no idea how good or bad the winter will be.  Give it a chance!  sheesh.  I really do not see me moving until I retire.  And then, believe it or not, I am actually thinking of finding a decent independent living place.  Might as well.  If it is just me, I like the idea of the security of knowing that if I drop over dead, I just might not have to lay there for 3+ days before someone finds me.

I know...morbid...but this is the type of thing that wakes me up at night with a full blown panic attack.

I have a problem...if I go to sleep and actually get 8 hours of sleep I feel GREAT the next day.  But then, the next night I can't sleep very well so then I feel tired the next day...then I go to bed and sleep 8 hours...you get the drift.

Life is too complicated.

A Wrinkle in the Day

First off...A Wrinkle in Time...it was AWFUL! AMAZINGLY AWFUL!!! I do not believe there is anyone out there that can do that book justice.  Unless they are willing to make a mini series out of it. ..like 6-10 shows.  And don't change the characters!!! Ugh

Okay...on with 'things'.

Today was my test day.  I cannot honestly tell you how I think I did.  I  have no idea.  It was HOURS of mini situations and making the best choice.  It was a lot of mental reasoning.  6 hours.  Thankfully it was 3 hours at a time.

It was downpouring, thundering and lightening all the way of the 25 minute drive during morning rush hour traffic to get there.  I was nerved up.  The test center was cold.  I had not slept much in the 2 days leading up to the test.

Lucy had refused to go outside to relieve herself at all in the morning.  The storm scared her.  ( mental note to self: the next place I live needs to have a covered outside area for her to potty in bad weather).  

So I had 3 hours before the next test.  I drove home in a heavy down pour.  I had to stand outside with her so she would go.  She was thrilled to see me.

I headed back and it was not raining. I told the woman at the test center the weather ppl said we were in for hail and tornadoes.  She laughed.

A bit more than 2 hours into my 2nd test, we were told to shut off our monitors and head down to the bottom floor and gather under the stairwell because the tornado sirens were going off.

I was stuck in this spot...wedged in with 3 floors of employees whose phones were sending out alarms and certain ones of them were announcing the tornado's course and another had a frantic weatherman telling ppl to take cover and get off the freeway.  I was thinking, "I left my phone upstairs in the security locker.  And what if something happens to my car?"  While trying not to freak out!

After almost a half hour of this, we got the 'all clear'.  I sat down, very much awake...but warm because I had brought a sweater with me after freezing during the first test...read the rest of my questions and finished. 

I went out to my car and it was pouring. I sat there waiting to calm down before I had to hit the rush hour traffic home.  As I calmed down, so did the weather.  It quit raining and I took that as my cue.

It is all in God's hands.  I hope I did better than 'just passed'.  Cuz I have a secret.  Every since I was old enough to read my achievement test outcomes, I discovered that they said that I was performing above my cognitive capacity.  I am maxing myself out...and then pushing the 'sonic' button.  My brain has been working at top speed most of my life and then some.  I have been wringing every drop I can out of it.  And, today, I actually felt it. 

I have just always pushed it because I could not accept anything less.  I could not accept that my cognitive abilities were not all that astounding.  And for the past year and a half I have pushed it because I have felt that I don't have a choice.  I HAVE to succeed.

But taking those tests...I actually felt that I was reaching way beyond my grasp.
And if I don't pass them the first time...I do not know if I can try again.  Oh...you know I will...becuz...I HAVE to.  Otherwise, everything I have done in the last year and a half will be a worthless pile.  And I won't have a job.  Then what?

God.  It's definitely up to You!

Jello

I am tired.  Anxious. Frustrated.  Between my new job...trying to learn it...and my class...trying to get everything done...I feel like I am buried.  Everyday I am choking down the panic.

I will be SO glad when this class is over.  Thank God it is only 7 weeks long.  And thank God this is a 3 day weekend because I have lawn to mow and weeding to do on top of everything else.

Bethany is going to move back home.  She is worried about upsetting Jordan.  I told her he will be upset no matter when she does it so just target a date when she is going to do it and work with it.

TJ told me that perhaps Brit is pregnant and he is freaking out cuz he says they can't afford a baby. They can't. But neither could Troy and I...either one.  We made it.  I told him that if she is, they will make it. They have people to help.  They won't know for a couple of weeks cuz it is kinda early.  My sister told me that it is just one more thing for me to get hit with.  I told her I am not getting hit with anything.  It is not my life. She laughed like it was the funniest joke in the world.  I told her, "it isn't. It is their life and they will need to handle it."  I told my kids that I am NOT raising grandkids.  No sir.

But then, does any grandparent plan on raising their grandkids?

One thing at a time.  Right now I am dealing with a whole lot of emotion.  I got my new contract finally and they did not give me one dime more than I was earning for my last job...even though this is a lot more work.  I may take my year of training with them and leverage it into a higher paying position with another school system.  I found out that they lost most of their middle school Intervention Specialists at the end of the last school year.  I am already understanding why.  They gave me an 8th grade IS position.  It has more 'stuff' that goes with it.  I would have been better with 6th grade but they evidently feel I can shoulder the extra work.

I don't want to but I am not in a position where I get a say, right now.  I can say this...any IS position I apply for with a school system, once they see that I was an 8th grade IS, that is where I will get stuck until I retire...or win the lottery.

Nothing has been easy.  This has been like pushing a rock up hill all the way. I sometimes wish I had never started this IS cert. work.  I did it as a back up.  I know there are people out there that do a lot more and handle it.  I am what I am.

Combat Training

I got the email this last Tuesday letting me know I would start my new position as an Intervention Specialist yesterday (Friday).  I did not hear anything from my new lead until Thursday morning.  I have no idea what to expect. She told me not to be too overwhelmed. She will work with me through it.

Two of the new IS ppl in the group I am in are teachers that I worked with last year. They are becoming IS instead this year.  Not sure why.  One of them, Nathan, told me, "you will be fine.  Think of it as combat training in the middle of a war in Iraq."  What a guy.

So, the Lead, Carmen, disappeared on my yesterday afternoon.  I spent my time looking through the documents in the school cloud.  She sent me an email after 7 pm. apologizing for disappearing. She took her son to the doctor and then just got caught up in 'stuff'.  In other words, she just took the afternoon off.  THEN TELL ME!  I could have gone grocery shopping!  Then at about 11 p.m last night she started dropping a ton of documents into my school email.  I heard the notifications going off as I was trying to fall asleep.  I woke up at 6 a.m. with a tightness in my chest.

I set up my classroom and added my students.  I downloaded and saved documents.  And I just basically tried to relax.

I did find out something rather nice about the class I am taking...that starts this Monday, also.  It is only 7 weeks long...unlike the 14 weeks that I had been originally told that it would be.    That means, I will have about 9 glorious weeks before I would have my last 7 week class.  And then...I am DONE!

However, Johna, the head of the Special Education Department and my new boss, told me that once I take my test to get my certification added to my license, they are going to arrange classes for me to get my clock hours to get my HQ certification.  HQ means High Quality...which is something you get when you have a certain amount of hours of concentration in a course.  So I get to choose...Math...Language Arts...Social Studies...etc.

More classes and studying.  Will it NEVER end?  I am really looking forward to retirement already.

As for my kids...Bethany went to a concert down by the Ohio River--an hour and a half away-- last Friday night with a friend and had car trouble.  I drove down there and met them when the concert was out. She had almost no coolant.  I filled it up and followed her home.  I had called the mechanic Friday night and he said to leave it there for Monday morning.

It turned out, as I had originally suspected, the water pump was shot.  I had thought that's what it was but her dad told me he had a new one put on about 4 years ago.   So, I thought...I am wrong. But, nope.  And he did not have a warranty.  He had it put on at a fly by night place so I am sure it was not a new one, either.  Anyhow, it is fixed now and she has a $470 bill to pay.  She is kinda pissed that she is having to pay for that replacement but as I told her, it is cheaper than having to buy another car.  I am very thankful that the head gasket did not crack or the engine did not burn up.

TJ and Brit took off for Myrtle Beach this morning for a week for their 1st anniversary.  I had to bug my son to get an oil change on his car before they left and to make sure to check his coolant level before he left.  Thankfully he listened.  Then they took off and not too far down the road, they almost got Tboned.  Not a great way to start a trip but at least no one was hit, hurt, etc.

Well, time to get busy.

Learn to Face the Strain

Where does life go?

I am back to homework along with the job.  I don't mind the hours I put into my job but I really do not like having to do the homework too.  It stresses me out and I am sick of being stressed.

I want comfortable.  Life is always going to have stress to it.  But I don't like having stress piled on that I chose to add.  Of course, at the time, I did not really expect this to cause as much stress as it is causing.  I based my decision on last year's commitment to my job.  However, they changed things.  They BETTERED things which everyone knows that every time things are upgraded, it actually ends up meaning MORE work.

To tell you the truth, I think I do spend a bit more time digging into things with the families I work with, than most of my co-workers.  I refuse to give up on a family.  There is one out of every couple of months that even I throw in the towel on.  However, I see so many of my co-workers going through the truancy withdrawal or non-compliancy withdrawal route.  I have discovered that with about 1/2 of the parents I work with, I have to treat them like I am the parent,  Others I have to choose my words carefully because they very easily take offense.  Yet, another part I have to talk to the students like I am the mom and the parents sit by and listen to me and are more than happy for me to do THEIR part.

Bethany decided to finally attend a meeting of the Psychology Club at her college.  She was not sure about going but I told her that they may help her figure out which direction she can go with her degree, be a source of job contacts, etc.  She came home loaded with info and very excited.  But now she is talking Sorority.  sigh...oh well.  It isn't like there is a Sorority house, since this is a community College.  LOL

My younger sister called me about her van.  It finally conked out and she has to get up earlier in the morning to give her husband a ride to work so that she can use his car to take the kids to school, go to work, pick the kids up then pick him up. She said that the mechanic told them he could patch it back together for $1500.  She, on the other hand, found a used van in great condition for a price she can afford the monthly payments on. She says hubby is leaning towards having the van piled stuck back together.  I asked her what SHE would be comfortable with. She said, "a 'new' van...the one I found.  I do not want to put $1500 on a van that is still going to fall apart and I can't depend on."  I told her to put her foot down then and TELL him this is what you want and why.  If nothing else, appeal to the safety.

I talked to my mom last night...or...she talked to me.  I had a splitting headache and I was tired.  I told her this 2 or 3 times. She had to tell me how she feels she has asthma and how awful the treatment was that the doctor gave her.  According to what she found on the internet, there is 3 different kinds of asthma. AND she read about each one to me...what causes them, what helps them, etc.

I would call my mom more often if the conversation did not turn into a 2 hour marathon.  I have tried calling more often to see if it would shorten the length of the conversation but no...
I know she needs someone to talk to. She and Dad barely talk and she has no friends.  The few women that call her do all the talking.

oh well...this is life

I did one thing good for myself...I ordered a rising desk top so that I can raise up my laptop and extra monitor so I can stand and work instead of being stuck in my chair all the time.  I also have to change out my office chair so that I can more easily use the under the desk cycle that Bethany got me.
I just have to have a few minutes to assemble the desk top.

And...it is the end of January already.  Already.  And I have 4 more weeks of my 3rd class.  Then I have a week break before the 4th class begins. I am also taking a week off from my job.  I am thinking about how I am going to rejuvenate my strained nerves during that week.

Take Care

How does one TAKE care?  Is it impolite just to TAKE it?  Is it laying out in the open and you snatch it when no one is looking?  I am not sure I would know 'care' if I saw it, therefore, I do not know what I should be taking...

Okay.  Those 2 words just started bothering me.  It doesn't sound right.

I spent 4 days 'back home'.  I took the last 3 days of the floating vacation I had from last Jan.-June that I had not used and shut it down.  Well...I did not shut it down totally.  My work email pops up on my phone and Thursday and Friday I got quite a bit.  Ppl did not know I was on vacation and I was not allowed to put an auto reply on it BECAUSE I was not supposed to be on vacation.  I had vacay days left over because there was a screw up...a happy screw up.  Normally, the floating vacations should have been used up before August.  I had saved a week to use in July.  Then the beginning of June they announced that we were going to be given 3 out of 4 weeks off in July with pay.  But we HAD to work one week in July.  No problem except I had a week of vacay and nowhere to put it.   Heidi told use we could sprinkle it throughout the fall BUT we could not show it on our time sheets and we could not put a notice on our answering machine or in our email.  So...I got lots of emails with coworkers asking me things that I could not leave them hanging about.  Cuz...I couldn't.

ANYWAY, I had a good time.  It seemed relaxing.  My daughter and her boyfriend were there Thursday and part of Friday.  My son and his fiancee were there Friday-Sunday.  Thursday my parents, Bethany, Jordan and I went out to the Pymatuning Lake park, which is just across the PA line.  It has a fish hatchery and the large mouth bass are so plentiful, the mallard ducks walk on them.
The scenery is beautiful.  We spent the large part of the day driving through the countryside and we stopped at an Amish store.  Ended the excursion at the Covered Bridge pizza parlor (it really is made out of an old covered bridge).  The next morning, TJ, Bethany, Jordan and I went to a new coffee house that had opened.  It IS a house.  And old one that no one wanted to buy because it is supposedly haunted.  So a church bought it and turned it into a coffee house from which they use the profits to stock their free food pantry.  The coffee was strong enough to fuel your motor for a week.  I like my coffee strong but that was...too much.

Later, Bethany and Jordan headed for home with a stop at a comedy club in Columbus on the way home.  TJ and Brittany went out to dinner with an old school buddy of TJ's.  I went out to dinner with an old school friend of mine.  I have known her since kindergarten.  She is excited for me to move back towards home.  She is the one whose husband died 2 weeks after I was officially divorced.
She and I had a good time.  We had SO many years to catch up on!!

Saturday, TJ, Brittany, my parents and I headed out for the Covered Bridge festival.  We visited  few covered bridges.  At one of them I met up with another old school friend (friends since 4th grade) and it was really great seeing her!  She also got excited that I will be 'back home' in a couple of years and has started planning things we can do together.  And then at the actual Festival in the town of our county seat I ran into yet another childhood friend (since 6th grade).  She lives in Florida now...remarried after the love of her life died from cancer.  She was helping out a friend that was running the festival.  She was driving by on a golf cart, delivering things to booths, etc.  She had slowed down by me and I yelled, VICKY!  She saw me, stopped and yelled, JUMP IN!  which I did and off we went.  She made me promise to come down and visit in the spring....free room and board and a visit to see the Manatees.  She also told me that she had always admired me...that I seemed so smart and confident and had so many friends.  Me?  Are we talking about the same person?  I told her that I was a big ball of anxiety ALL the time and never felt like I was all that close with anyone.  Funny how our perception of ourselves never really matches up with that of others.

I felt a big boost of...happiness?  I am not sure what the feeling was but it was mixed with surprise/amazement.  A friend said, "you are actually pretty kewl once the noises from his rhetoric and demeaning escapes your head".  I read that and the very first thought that popped up in my head was, "It started long before HIM." and I was shocked that I had thought that.  Then...it was clear.

My parents are marvelous ppl.  They are hard workers and have always been there for their kids.  They have sacrificed to make sure we had a good life and were well taken care of.  However...on the flip side...they are super critical of everyone around them.  They like no one because no one is perfect.  Us kids grew up realizing that no matter who we are, what we do, we are never going to live up to what they expect and we will never make them happy.

It was right then..in that moment I realized I have been walking on eggshells and dancing around the edge of that volcano all my life.

When I got ready to leave...TJ and Brittany had just left before me...my parents, who had seemed happy to visit with their grandkids...cornered me and told me that they are too old to handle all of the comings and goings.  We stayed too long.  It nerves them up and then...I heard it.  THEY are not used to Brittany and she makes them uncomfortable.  OF COURSE she does.

My mother has never liked anyone that is not immediately part of her family.  Heck, she barely seems to like US.  Brittany could not have been nicer or tried harder.

I left there and felt crappy all the way home and the next day, which was the last day of my vacay.  And my conclusion?  'Screw it".  They have only gotten worse with age.  I appreciate the life they gave me growing up but they have messed with my head and my perception of myself.  My mother criticized my friends, my wardrobe, and if I gained weight.  She made remarks to all of us girls about our weight when we were in elementary school because we were all chubby then. It was embarrassing to her because she felt that her sisters made fun of us. We could never have friends over because she could not stand all of the giggling.  She and dad bickered constantly and I had to joke around just to lighten the mood for everyone and make them stop.

And heaven forbid if you ever did anything that went sideways with her...she would complain and yell about it ALL DAY.

Then...I married a male version of that.  And my kids lived through it with him.  The difference...I was their cheerleader.  I bolstered them and guided them and never made them feel badly about their chubbiness when they were younger...I let them experiment with hair and clothes styles...I let them try things and QUIT if they didn't like it.  I am sorry but I do NOT always agree with 'if you join, you can't quit...or you are a loser.'  I believe that at a young age, they should have the freedom to TRY things. That is how they LEARN who they are and what they like!  If you tell them  they have to stick with it and can't quit, then they will be more hesitant to join ANYTHING.

But that is just me.  I also took the time to DO things with them.  So what if my house was not spotless.  To this day, my mother's house is a museum.  She works herself to the bone to make sure it is perfect.  And it makes ME nervous.

I am glad that I do not live near them.  My mother would hate my place.  And now, I will listen to the voices of the friends that I met up with last weekend.  No longer will I dance around the edge of that volcano for my parents or anyone else.  I am me.  And I am not so bad.  I kinda like me.

Fuss and Such

Where do I begin?  I want this to be a post I write because things are going great.  Some things are okay.  Other things...just cause sadness/anxiety...and I really should pray more about it all.  I have faith but it most times goes hand in hand with patience.

My vision problem bothers me.  More and more every day.  I can't afford to go to the retina specialist.  I wish I could.  Even at that, laser surgery bothers me.  I could swallow my pride and use a 'go fund me' account but isn't that like saying I don't have faith in God?  And who wants to rely on the kindness and generosity of strangers?

My son seems to have some rheumatoid arthritis in his back...at 26.  I think a lot of his back pain could be alleviated with stretching and exercise but he complains he doesn't have time...and I can get that.  I gave him that tenz unit I had at the house.  It was really his anyway.  The chiropractor that was GOOD that I took him to when he was in his teens and suffered from a mild scoliosis prescribed it and our med. insurance paid for it.  I told him to use it 1 to 2 times a week and I gave him a tube of Icy Hot with Lidocain in it.  I use that on occassion when my nerves in my body are on high alert...like yesterday.

Fibromyalgia.  The other part of that is not just the nerve pain.  It is fighting the depression that comes with it.  Life should not have to be such a battle all of the time.  I know there are other people that have it worse and I try to remind myself of that  but knowing that I am in better physical condition that others doesn't always cut it.  It just cuts the pity party short.

I realized that I should not whine over my position at this point because I am here because of choices I made.  All along the way.

My younger sister is in a position with finances that keeps her awake at night too.  I am afraid, from the way her husband sounds and acts, that she may end up in the same position I am in someday.  Hopefully, not.

My son's car is acting up also.  He has not paid of the personal loan he took out for it.  I told him that I can find him a newer, better car for about the same price he paid for that one and he can take out a car loan for it and not have to pay full insurance coverage on his car AND the loan could be stretched out over 4-5 years instead which would lower his monthly payments to give him some wiggle room when he needs it.  I would have to pay off what he still owes on his personal loan, of course.

He needs a different job.  It is a good starter job but he is not going to make it with this job forever.

I need a better paying job...me.  I need one that pays like Douchebag's does.  I chose the wrong profession.  However, IF I had stayed where I was instead of choosing to pick up and move and follow him from job to job, place to place and kept my teaching job, I could have been making really good money by now and ready to retire.  couldashouldawoulda

Oh...the choices one makes.

At least my daughter seems okay for right now.  She just turned 21.  I am not sure about her future with what she has chosen to do...but I will fuss over that another day.  I need to concentrate on my classwork and get it done.

The Touch

I visited my old HS friend's church again today.  I liked the sermon.

On the way home, something funky happened to my gas gauge.  I knew at some time on the journey home it would tell me I was low on fuel and it did 'ding'.  The Low Fuel light came on.  Then when I was closer to home it went off and the fuel gauge started to go up.  and up.  and up.  It stopped at 3/4 full then slowly went down a bit, then back up.  I just prayed that I would make it home.

I had gotten a notice from the IRS a few days ago that they had reviewed my tax return for 2014...the divorce year, and had determined that I owed them $265.  They removed some of my deductions I claimed and said they would need documentation.  Which I have...however, I found that not all of the documents I need are in the folder.  I have them.  I just have to search for them.

My dress I ordered for the wedding came and it looks awful on me.  So, there's that.

Then my son texted me and asked me if me and and his dad are still going to pay for the rest of what's due on the wedding venue.  *sigh*  I did not know that it was something that was expected.  I told him I had paid the down payment and I am taking care of the food.  I am rather strapped right now.  I also told him I don't speak with his dad.  I know he didn't want to ask him.  *sigh again*  So I sent Darkness an email and explained about the money due on the venue.  Hopefully he will contact our son and work it out.

Darkness said I didn't hug him.  He said he needed hugs.  I would have except for 1) he was always giving someone a 'speech' of what they are doing wrong and that made me not like him; 2) when he tried to hug me he wouldn't just hug and sometimes I just wanted a HUG.

But I do miss hugs.  I need them.  I want them.  I don't do alone very well.

Disorganized

My younger sister posted a sign on her FB page:  my housekeeping style looks like there has been a struggle.

Mine too.  Our mom was/is always so very neat.  A speck of dust never stood a chance.  Her idea of clutter was a small pile of mail on the end of the counter.  My bedroom at home was neat and tidy.  Everything always put away.  When I moved out and got my own apartment it was the same...neat and always very clean.  I got married. had kids and something happened.  Every room in this house has clutter.  Do I like it?  hell no!  But I always feel buried.

Now that Bethany and I are the only ones here you would think I could get it under control.  I could but the problem is TIME.  Well...time and ambition.

So the online guy...Matt...the doofus braggart...flew down to Florida over the weekend.  He said his one brother has a vacation house in Sarasota and was having a yacht delivered.  His brother and his wife were out of the country so they needed him to go down and be there when the yacht was delivered.  He is back now.  He has texted and called.  I ignored the text last night.  He called tonight and I didn't answer.  He left a VM and with his name and number.  O...M...G.  First of all...the number would show...second of all I have already attached a contact name to it so I would know.  But I guess I couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to figure that out.  I texted him back later and told him I had 2 really long days of work and I wasn't feeling very well.

While that is true, I am just delaying the inevitable.  I am not interested.  I would give him a chance, perhaps except for the tone of his voice when I asked questions...like I was an idiot for asking anything.  nope.  Been there, done that...for over 25 years!

I HAVE had 2 very long days of work.  It would be easier if I wasn't empathetic.  BUT...I listen to these parents...and some of them are like a broken record...and squeeze out what the real underlying problem is, and work out a solution with them and the teacher (thus, the job title Family Academic Success LIAISON).  I have one that I have been pulling on my hair about because I know what needs to be done and I have put it off because what is really bothering me is...the school year is 3/4 over and this student should not be in our school!  The grandparents/mother don't want to admit defeat and that this student needs a F2F teacher.  No one has time for him and his lessons.  He has been left in the dust.  I talked on the phone to the Intervention Specialist that is supposed to be working with him in small groups and...AAAAHHHHH (hitting myself in the head with a pipe).  She is fresh out of college and just seemed to want to ask ME too many feckin questions and did not seem to comprehend what it was I wanted to know.  I think she thought that I was questioning what she was doing.  A half hour later (please...help me) when we got off the phone she was asking me if she ended up telling me what I needed to know (yessssss....somewhere in there you did) and IMMEDIATELY she sends me an email and says,  "I really hope I gave you the information you were after.  If not, let me know!"  I rolled my eyes and did not respond.  It may not have been nice but SERIOUSLY!  I promise to NEVER call you again!!!  I don't have that kind of time to waste.

And I really hate having to call, or answer a call, from our social worker Priti.  Now SHE is the queen of talking in circles.  She will talk for an hour straight (tonight it was an hour and 20 minutes...there's a timer on the phone) and end up right where she started. I do not have that kind of attention span!!  I don't have patience for it.  I sometimes wonder if she hears and wonders what, that thumping noise is (my foot stomping on the floor).  Tonight Jack stood there barking at me and I started laughing.  I cut her off and said, "Jack is yelling at me. He wants to go outside."  She said, "I need to let you go cuz he wants you done."   I told her it was Jack's way of letting me know I had better let him out before he poops on the floor.  And she kept on a yapping.  Luckily, Bethany came through the door then and I texted her to please let the dogs out.  I finally told her I had a handle on what I needed to do for this one kid and if she could find someone to help them with education alternatives in their area that would get this kid the proper education (long story...lots of problems) I would breathe easier.  But in the long run, it is not up to me to figure out their family dynamic problems for them but they obviously need someone to point them in the right direction.

I think the thing that flabbergasted me the most was the one student I had been handed.  I looked to see what his log in history was like and could NOT believe it.  I immediately called my team lead and told her, "this kid is not here.  The LC is not here! this student has not logged ONE SINGLE LESSON since Dec. 3rd!  This is the end of March!!!  what the heck?"  She told me to send her his name and she would give it to the Truancy officer.  NO CHIT!  smh...

And another slips through the cracks.  There is no excuse.

I know I am jinxing myself BUT the only thing this day was missing was some sort of communique from Darkness.  I am hoping he went down to Texas this last weekend and found himself another mess to keep him busy.

I am SSSOOO looking forward to my Spring Break next week!! Yessir!!!

Fighting to the Surface

It was one of those days...where I don't want to deal.  I want someone else to run the show.  But I don't want to open the door and let someone else in.

I just can't do it.  I definitely am NOT doing the online 'meet your perfect mate' thing.  I gave it another try and...brag about possessions, the money his siblings make...mostly bragged about his brother the millionaire (why, I don't know)...then bragged about how young he was when he got his license to fly an airplane...then he talked down to me when I would ask a question like I am an idiot.  The next day he sends me texts about how pretty he thinks I am...how I look so much younger than the age I told him I am. Who would lie and say they are older?

Then I spent Friday night with my friend Jean.  I was feeling unusually stressed by the revelation that I may never meet a guy that has some intelligence, is down to earth, easy going, has a sense of humor, etc.  I was also getting texts from Darkness like  'it sounds weird but I still love you'.  I told him it is BS because  he put me through Hell and you don't treat people you love like that.  I was feeling like I was wading in a river of shit by then.  So I texted Jean and asked her if she was busy after school (she works as a speech pathologist).  She said she was doing laundry...did I have something better to do.  I said, "I am feeling a need for some tropical mai tai."  she said, "I'm in!" The best ones we know are at Red Robin.  I got there before her and got a table and ordered us each one.  We had a great, fun dinner and drinks.  Our waiter was a funny young guy...entertaining.  LOL

Then I went home, let the dogs out, changed into some comfortable yoga pants and sweatshirt, stopped at the Redbox and picked a couple of movies and headed over to her place where we sat, watched a movie, drank wine and yapped.

She told me about her ex.  He sounded so very deviant.  He and his friends. Now mind you, this ex of hers had been the superintendent of the school system and his friends were teachers and coaches within the school system.  They had went on trips together, dropped drugs in their wives' drinks then played musical rooms with the knocked out naked wives!!  He was also bedding two other women in the next town.  She cried and shook her head and told me she had never told anyone else about it.

I listened in horror...but did not show it on my face.

When it really comes down to it...Darkness is just immature.  He is like the little kid who always thinks he's missing out on something.  He has let others influence his thoughts and deeds.

He told me this week that he had not appreciated me.  I told him that I would not argue with him on that point but hind sight was a sorrowful thing.

I kept waiting for him to grow up...and get it.  It never happened.  It never will.  He needs to shut up and keep his epiphanies to himself.  He is just feeling lonely right now,  It will pass.  The biggest thing is this...even IF some miraculous thunderbolt struck his brain and he was suddenly grown up and came back on bended knee begging my forgiveness and to take him back...even if I KNEW he really had changed...I STILL would not take him back.  I would wish him well and send him on his way.  He gave me too much heart ache and loads of bad memories.

I went to Walmart tonight to pick up some yogurt for me and get the dogs some dog treats.  On the way out I ran into one of my neighbors across the street, Larry.  He told me that Phyllis the Crazy Piano lady has colon cancer and is dying.  The neighborhood has changed so much just in the 8 years since we have been here.

He also sold the house next to him (he is a retired real estate agent but if anyone in the neighborhood needs to sell their house, he does it and does it quickly) in 3 days!  I asked him if the house was that great or if he thought it was location (the schools are a block away and the city park is 3 blocks away).  He said the house is not that great BUT the owner had ripped up the carpets and it had laminate floors plus the walls were all freshly painted.  He said the proximity to the schools was the biggest factor because it is a couple with young kids.  Also, the last owner put a privacy fence around the yard...which we have done, too.  This made me feel a bit better because I may have a fairly easy time selling the house when I decide to sell.   And get my money out of it.

My mother asked me if I had mortgage insurance.  I told her yes..why?  She told me not to be too quick to take Darkness' name off the mortgage because with his stupidity he might get himself into a situation that ends him and then my mortgage would be paid off.  I am not sure about that.  I am pretty sure since both of our names are on the mortgage then we would both have to die.  I hope she isn't planning something.  Ha ha!

I told Larry what Bethany is going to college for and his eyes lit up.  He told me about a job with kids from broken homes.  The place is attached to the local hospital and the job is federally funded and it pays really well.  I told Bethany about it and I told her that since her dad was nice enough to tell me not to worry about getting his name off the mortgage that would give me more time in the house...and her...and if she wanted to go for her BS degree she could...or work that job...or both.  I told her it just gives her/us more options.  She is excited.  I think she would love working with those kids.

It looks like I have a really good chance of being offered a 2 year contract  on my job.  In the meantime, I will be working away...1 class at a time...on my Masters and letting my employer pay for it.

I just want to pull up out of this funk.  I feel like someone threw me into the deep end of the pool and I am fighting to get to the surface of the water.

The Mask

I found an article that explains Darkness so very well.

Behind the Mask of the Narcissist

I was having one of my depression/pity party days today.  I have been sick and it has taken a lot of my energy.  Also, the grayness of the month has not helped my mood.  It is usually this time of year that I would be glad for others in the house to lean on.  But now there is no one.

Believe it or not, it is because of my anxiety and depression that I would actually be grateful that I had a husband.  I figured I needed to stay with him just because I felt that I was too unstable to make it on my own.  I have proven to myself that I can handle it but...I get weary of it. The big irony of it all was he was the one causing most of my anxiety and depression.

It is the loneliness.  I am not sure I am ready for an intimate relationship with anyone.  I feel too drained emotionally and mentally.  However, it would be nice to have a friend...a roommate friend.  Someone to share the bills with, converse with, and go do things with.  Someone that wouldn't mind helping me out (to lean on) when things come up with my kids, etc.  But there isn't even anyone like that.

It is sad because I allowed the isolation.  I allowed a lot of things.  It wasn't that I wasn't totally unaware of everything that was going on.  I knew he didn't REALLY love me or care about me.  However, I stayed in it so long, to shield the kids from those every other weekend visits alone with him and any other time alone with him, that I got torn down to the point that I believed he needed me to save HIM.  He always found a way to self destruct and I would be the one to put things back on the right path.  (Thus the title of my blog)

But that wasn't why he needed me.  When he realized I was a drag on him and his finances, when I wasn't glowing over him like he was so very important, when he felt I was choosing the kids as more important than he (I was right in thinking he was jealous of them), I was no longer of  use to him.

I was sitting here today thinking about how I had been tossed aside along with everything else he wanted to shed...the obligation of the house, the obligation of the dogs, etc.  He packed up his car and drove off to a new job in another state to start with a clean slate.

I do not know what he is doing now...or who. I have absolutely no clue.  I don't look at his FB page.  I could but I won't.  I don't need that.  I would rather not have any knowledge of his life or him.

I do wonder if I will ever feel mended enough to want another relationship.  There is a part of me that would love to know what it is like to truly be loved by someone.  But there is a bigger, sadder part of me that knows it wouldn't be fair to anyone else because I am emotionally unreliable right now.

I worry sometimes because I have a home job and I leave the house less and less.  Am I becoming a recluse?  Or is it just because of the time of year?  Also, perhaps God knows I will need some isolation time for healing.

My son says I need to put myself 'out there'.  Out WHERE?  I keep telling myself that I am not ready for OUT THERE until the inside of my house is organized and I am taking better care of myself physically.  Yet, I am not doing so well with either thing.

I want to feel some joy...some interest in my own life.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of some sort of pathetic existence.  I used to have that family commercial life in my head...you know...the happy kids, the happy mom and dad with pets.  But, it was all blown apart.  I had images of Darkness and I in my head where we were finally the empty nesters, spending time together, going places, doing things and being happy with each other.  I know it was a reach but I still believed in it.  I don't know why.  He never supported me or had any faith in me.

He seems very content with the 'no communication' arrangement.  It lets him totally off the hook.  It also gives me some semblance of peace in my world.  Perhaps he has gotten to the part where he realizes he DOESN'T need me.  He kept telling me he still needed me in his life.  But, he doesn't.  I am sure he has found plenty of others to feed his bloated self image.

I didn't want him to hang on.  I NEEDED him to let go.  I found it ludicrous that he wanted me out of his world as his wife yet he wanted me in his world as a friend to share what was going on in his life.  Perhaps it was more of a torture thing.  I don't know. There is no rhyme or reason to what a narcissist needs/wants or why.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this...that I should no longer be bothered...that I should be able to banish the past from my thinking.  Yet, from everything I have read, it seems normal that I haven't.  And it scares the ever living beetlejuice out of me!  Will I never feel joy again?  Will I never be able to reach out to others and feel something?

I guess I really did sacrifice myself for my kids.  I just hope I am not emotionally and mentally twisted forever.