My uncle died. 2 days later.
Then my brother, who was going to put the kids up at his house while we were up there, txts me and lets me know that his wife's sister and BIL will be staying there. My brother was the one that offered and I specifically asked him if Lisa's family was going to be there and he told me no. So, with them there, we can't stay.
My oldest sister offered some accomodations but then she started telling ME what I should and should not do...and I told her forget it and hung up. The monster spouse called his mother and asked her if she would like some company. So my son and his fiancé will be staying with her and my daughter and I will be staying with my parents. I was trying to avoid such scenarios because both my mom and my MIL are in bad health. AND my youngest sibling thinks it is terrible that any of us are staying with our mom and she let me know that THEY are renting a house for the weekend.
Not a good week.
On the upside...I am still alive, so are my kids...I have a job...even if I hate it. 4 more weeks until they let me know if I stay or go.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
The Local Dump
I have to get it out of my system. ALL of it out of my system...but I don't know where to start.
I applied for one of the supervisor openings at work. I didn't even get called for an interview. I have been there early, stayed late, cleaned up messes other ppl have made, dressed up every day for the job even though I didn't have to...and they interviewed someone who was there less time than I, dresses like a slob everyday for work, and showed up for the interview with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, no make up, wearing a blue button up shirt with the tails hanging out over the short black mini skirt with her fat, white legs with no pantyhose hanging out. They said it was because she had Operations experience. I HAVE A FUCKING COLLEGE DEGREE and know how to look like a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL!!!
AND there is the spouse whom I ever so stupidly gave up my teaching career for to follow from place to place every fucking 2 years and dusted off after his drug soaked decent into hell and put him back on his feet only to be belittled by him...who wouldn't have the career he has if I hadn't filled out the forms and set up the appts and found him a fucking place to live while he went to college and got his ASSociates degree..so he could get paid big bucks with company pd trips with company paid 4 star hotel rooms with company paid restaurant meals...
Who can't even be bothered to tell me during one of the weekday evening 2 minute conversations that his mother had major surgery. Our son found out from his father's sister who won't talk to me and she said, "I told your dad." and our son had to say, "I haven't talked to my dad in months." cuz even on father's day the offspring tried calling their dad and telling him happy father's day and he didn't answer the phone. he texted one of them...only one...a TEXT and told them thanks.
Then my oldest sister informs me that my 93 year old uncle is in the hospital on a morphine drip after being brought in from the county nursing home all bruised up and bloody and they thought he had a broken neck...turns out is it badly sprained and swollen and he is dehydrated. My parents have been at the hospital with him all day...won't leave his side. And my oldest sister is getting pictures and hospital records to turn over to the state.
There is something seriously fucked up
And now I have written the one of those words that I absolutely hate 5 times in this diatribe of mine.
DO YOU THINK I HAVE HAD IT AND FEEL THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY FUCKED (6) UP WITH THE UNIVERSE? CAN YOU TELL?????
I need to punch someone. Where is Weezer when you need her?
I applied for one of the supervisor openings at work. I didn't even get called for an interview. I have been there early, stayed late, cleaned up messes other ppl have made, dressed up every day for the job even though I didn't have to...and they interviewed someone who was there less time than I, dresses like a slob everyday for work, and showed up for the interview with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, no make up, wearing a blue button up shirt with the tails hanging out over the short black mini skirt with her fat, white legs with no pantyhose hanging out. They said it was because she had Operations experience. I HAVE A FUCKING COLLEGE DEGREE and know how to look like a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL!!!
AND there is the spouse whom I ever so stupidly gave up my teaching career for to follow from place to place every fucking 2 years and dusted off after his drug soaked decent into hell and put him back on his feet only to be belittled by him...who wouldn't have the career he has if I hadn't filled out the forms and set up the appts and found him a fucking place to live while he went to college and got his ASSociates degree..so he could get paid big bucks with company pd trips with company paid 4 star hotel rooms with company paid restaurant meals...
Who can't even be bothered to tell me during one of the weekday evening 2 minute conversations that his mother had major surgery. Our son found out from his father's sister who won't talk to me and she said, "I told your dad." and our son had to say, "I haven't talked to my dad in months." cuz even on father's day the offspring tried calling their dad and telling him happy father's day and he didn't answer the phone. he texted one of them...only one...a TEXT and told them thanks.
Then my oldest sister informs me that my 93 year old uncle is in the hospital on a morphine drip after being brought in from the county nursing home all bruised up and bloody and they thought he had a broken neck...turns out is it badly sprained and swollen and he is dehydrated. My parents have been at the hospital with him all day...won't leave his side. And my oldest sister is getting pictures and hospital records to turn over to the state.
There is something seriously fucked up
And now I have written the one of those words that I absolutely hate 5 times in this diatribe of mine.
DO YOU THINK I HAVE HAD IT AND FEEL THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY FUCKED (6) UP WITH THE UNIVERSE? CAN YOU TELL?????
I need to punch someone. Where is Weezer when you need her?
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Here I Sit...
Trying to fill out an application online...with America's Got Talent on the television for noise...because there is nothing else that I can stand to have making noise in the background right now.
Stewing over the latest conversation with my husband. How he has been giving me a lecture about how he had to put money from 'his' account into 'our' account...and I need to watch what I'm spending. He said, "I've been having to live on one paycheck a month." blink...huh? I said, "I don't know how...the only thing I've asked you for in months is for the money to pay the mortgage." and he doesn't even give me money to pay all of that! $89 may not seem like much to Mr. Big Bucks but for me it is a week and half of gas for my car to get back and forth to work! He pays all of the mortgage but that last $89. What he gives me for mortgage pymt isn't even half of one of his paychecks. And if he IS living on one paycheck a month...so what! One of his paychecks is larger than BOTH of mine put together...and I manage to take care of 3 adults and 3 dogs with all our household bills and my student loan payments with my 2 small paychecks. He said, "I've been trying to pay off the Capital One card." That is HIS credit card. I do not have access to it. If he has a big bill...ONE big bill..to pay off it is HIS. Not MY fault.
He barely speaks to me on the phone. Never asks what the kids are up to, and anything I have to tell him I have to say quickly because I know he is soon going to say, "well, I'm cooking dinner.." "well, I'm at the store..." "well, I have a headache..." followed with, "I'll talk to you later."
And the wall fell on me Saturday. I have been trying to hard to ignore it. But, it was like a quiet voice in my head and someone touching my hand, "it's over. He doesn't care, he likes being single and where he is...without you all." I am nothing...as far as he is concerned.
And tonight I broke down and cried.
I had such a good day at work...2 of the team leads got calls from customers complimenting me so they sent the 'Yay!" email out to the floor about me. Then I had a VERY difficult call with a woman that was yelling for a half hour. I sat there quietly and sent emails to the maintenance dept about her electric connection, made copies of her bills, and sent an email to my TL and one to my supervisor asking him to pull the call, and seeing if there was something that could be done. He came over to me after I had my lunch and said that I had handled the call very well and he asked me to set up an itemized payment plan for her with the first payment due when she said she could make a payment and suspend her disconnection, etc. I got a compliment from the young butt. wow.
Everyone keeps asking me I have applied for the young butt's job (he is moving to another department). I keep telling them no. But guess what I'm doing tonight? Filling out the application for the supervisor job. There are actually 2 openings. They are adding another supervisor.
I don't really want the job so much except it will pay my mortgage.
And then this girl came on AGT and told the back story of having terrible panic attacks and for years could not leave her house and have a normal life. But music had helped her. I was watching her parents more than her. The sheer happiness...holding their breath...hopeful...elated. I had listened to what they had to say about how they felt when these panic attacks, etc happened to their daughter. I can relate. I can relate to how they were feeling during her performance. I began to cry...uncontrollably. It all came rushing in on me.
All the years with supporting my son, trying to find help for him, wondering if he would ever be able to have a 'normal' existence...while battling it out with his narrow minded, butt of a father...whom I had bolstered and supported as he fought off the drug addiction. And here I am sitting...53 years old, worrying about my future, pinching my pennies. In a position I had not imagined for myself just a mere 30 years ago.
I will have a few more good cries then gather myself up and move forward into my new future knowing that God is in control and He will take care of me. I don't need Troy. I never needed him but I was too insecure and faithless to walk away.
Stewing over the latest conversation with my husband. How he has been giving me a lecture about how he had to put money from 'his' account into 'our' account...and I need to watch what I'm spending. He said, "I've been having to live on one paycheck a month." blink...huh? I said, "I don't know how...the only thing I've asked you for in months is for the money to pay the mortgage." and he doesn't even give me money to pay all of that! $89 may not seem like much to Mr. Big Bucks but for me it is a week and half of gas for my car to get back and forth to work! He pays all of the mortgage but that last $89. What he gives me for mortgage pymt isn't even half of one of his paychecks. And if he IS living on one paycheck a month...so what! One of his paychecks is larger than BOTH of mine put together...and I manage to take care of 3 adults and 3 dogs with all our household bills and my student loan payments with my 2 small paychecks. He said, "I've been trying to pay off the Capital One card." That is HIS credit card. I do not have access to it. If he has a big bill...ONE big bill..to pay off it is HIS. Not MY fault.
He barely speaks to me on the phone. Never asks what the kids are up to, and anything I have to tell him I have to say quickly because I know he is soon going to say, "well, I'm cooking dinner.." "well, I'm at the store..." "well, I have a headache..." followed with, "I'll talk to you later."
And the wall fell on me Saturday. I have been trying to hard to ignore it. But, it was like a quiet voice in my head and someone touching my hand, "it's over. He doesn't care, he likes being single and where he is...without you all." I am nothing...as far as he is concerned.
And tonight I broke down and cried.
I had such a good day at work...2 of the team leads got calls from customers complimenting me so they sent the 'Yay!" email out to the floor about me. Then I had a VERY difficult call with a woman that was yelling for a half hour. I sat there quietly and sent emails to the maintenance dept about her electric connection, made copies of her bills, and sent an email to my TL and one to my supervisor asking him to pull the call, and seeing if there was something that could be done. He came over to me after I had my lunch and said that I had handled the call very well and he asked me to set up an itemized payment plan for her with the first payment due when she said she could make a payment and suspend her disconnection, etc. I got a compliment from the young butt. wow.
Everyone keeps asking me I have applied for the young butt's job (he is moving to another department). I keep telling them no. But guess what I'm doing tonight? Filling out the application for the supervisor job. There are actually 2 openings. They are adding another supervisor.
I don't really want the job so much except it will pay my mortgage.
And then this girl came on AGT and told the back story of having terrible panic attacks and for years could not leave her house and have a normal life. But music had helped her. I was watching her parents more than her. The sheer happiness...holding their breath...hopeful...elated. I had listened to what they had to say about how they felt when these panic attacks, etc happened to their daughter. I can relate. I can relate to how they were feeling during her performance. I began to cry...uncontrollably. It all came rushing in on me.
All the years with supporting my son, trying to find help for him, wondering if he would ever be able to have a 'normal' existence...while battling it out with his narrow minded, butt of a father...whom I had bolstered and supported as he fought off the drug addiction. And here I am sitting...53 years old, worrying about my future, pinching my pennies. In a position I had not imagined for myself just a mere 30 years ago.
I will have a few more good cries then gather myself up and move forward into my new future knowing that God is in control and He will take care of me. I don't need Troy. I never needed him but I was too insecure and faithless to walk away.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Don't Answer That Phone!
My son and his fiancé went through a bad place. They had their first real argument. They made it through it but I am sad because it seems like they disagree an awful lot. I am afraid they think it is a normal way of being. TJ grew up with a lot of arguing and tension between his dad and I. Brit grew up with the same. I pray it works its way out.
I have been feeling pretty good...except for my short bit of depression over my ass supervisor's 9 month review with me. I soon learned not to take it too personal because most of the ppl on the floor have been wanting to off him lately. I told them he has been going cold turkey off diet coke. The diet part hasn't done him any good.
Other than that, I have been feeling pretty happy. Especially the last few days. I know I have been here before but here I am again...I realized the magnitude of my happiness increases with every day that I don't hear from my husband. I came home from work feeling really good tonight...hadn't talked with him since probably last Thursday. But tonight he called and I answered the phone. And...it was like someone letting all the air out of the tires on the car.
I get angriest at myself for allowing myself to put up with it. All of these years.
My son said that Brit said that I am a good person and deserves to be happy. She said that if me and Troy can't work it out, I deserve to have a good man. I just looked at TJ and told him, "I'm pretty happy right now. With your dad in anther state, it isn't so bad. Your grandmother even said I am reminding her of the person I was before marrying Troy...she said she is seeing a glimmer of the old fighter."
I don't know about that...because I don't feel like I'm all that. However, I am calmer. I think it is because he isn't here that I can handle the job I have.
Which brings me to another point...ironically the ass supervisor's job is up for grabs. I don't really want it but it would enable me to pay the mortgage myself. I am putting in on it. I would have first choice over those with seniority because of my college degree.
I know one of the things they want is someone with 2 years of supervisory experience but that can't be all that important because my supervisor didn't have any of that experience.
Every night I pray for God to give me a place that will help me live my life without depending on Troy for anything. I have done all I can with him. And I am tired of feeling like less than I am. I have gotten angry with too many ppl that I feel need to take responsibility for their own lives. I guess I should look in the mirror. If I could physically kick my own butt I would.
I have been feeling pretty good...except for my short bit of depression over my ass supervisor's 9 month review with me. I soon learned not to take it too personal because most of the ppl on the floor have been wanting to off him lately. I told them he has been going cold turkey off diet coke. The diet part hasn't done him any good.
Other than that, I have been feeling pretty happy. Especially the last few days. I know I have been here before but here I am again...I realized the magnitude of my happiness increases with every day that I don't hear from my husband. I came home from work feeling really good tonight...hadn't talked with him since probably last Thursday. But tonight he called and I answered the phone. And...it was like someone letting all the air out of the tires on the car.
I get angriest at myself for allowing myself to put up with it. All of these years.
My son said that Brit said that I am a good person and deserves to be happy. She said that if me and Troy can't work it out, I deserve to have a good man. I just looked at TJ and told him, "I'm pretty happy right now. With your dad in anther state, it isn't so bad. Your grandmother even said I am reminding her of the person I was before marrying Troy...she said she is seeing a glimmer of the old fighter."
I don't know about that...because I don't feel like I'm all that. However, I am calmer. I think it is because he isn't here that I can handle the job I have.
Which brings me to another point...ironically the ass supervisor's job is up for grabs. I don't really want it but it would enable me to pay the mortgage myself. I am putting in on it. I would have first choice over those with seniority because of my college degree.
I know one of the things they want is someone with 2 years of supervisory experience but that can't be all that important because my supervisor didn't have any of that experience.
Every night I pray for God to give me a place that will help me live my life without depending on Troy for anything. I have done all I can with him. And I am tired of feeling like less than I am. I have gotten angry with too many ppl that I feel need to take responsibility for their own lives. I guess I should look in the mirror. If I could physically kick my own butt I would.
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