I pray and listen. I believe that my thoughts during those moments are directed by God. He knows me better than I know myself. He understands that I need to understand. He also knows that I pray each day to clean out the feelings of anger and hurt. Ironically, the first step to getting rid of anger and hurt is to shift it.
My latest 'revelations': Evil Spawn keeps telling me that perhaps someday we can be friends...BUT...I was never his friend to begin with. I knocked myself out trying to make him my friend. He never considered me his friend.
I am finding that I am not so angry with him. I am angry with me. I am angry that I kept trying to believe in a person that he wasn't. That I am angry at me for feeling so very deeply about, and being so deeply concerned about someone that did not know how to feel or care deeply about anyone else. I am angry that I ultimately caused my own hurt.
I made excuses for him. Those excuses may be real and legitimate but those excuses did not change who he is. I can forgive him because he is only being who he always was.
The hard part is forgiving me for putting myself through it. I did it to myself.
The hard part is forgetting how I allowed him to LET me feel like less than I am.
Now it is time for me to TRY and forgive myself for not valuing myself. I am who I am and who I am is not so bad. I need to continue working on giving myself that forgiveness. I need to continue trying to forgive myself for trying so hard to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear....trying to put lipstick on a pig. It never was what I wanted. He was the one that never allowed himself to feel...he is the one that kept ME out. He never could see how I cared/loved him. Mostly, he never allowed himself to care about anyone...not even himself.
My heart aches for people like him...but I cannot let it be personal anymore. I knocked myself out for 25 years and it has all got to be in God's hands.
As a side note...the nickname for my ex is something that makes me giggle. I really do not think he is Evil. He just has a closed heart.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Saturday, February 7, 2015
How Do You Share a Pizza with Yourself?
The weirdest thing...
It is weird things that get me upset.
Tonight my daughter spilled a glass of ice water on the livingroom carpet. I ran to get a towel from the linen closet and when I got back Max was trying to lick up the ice chips. Jack tried to get one and they started fighting. I was smacking Max trying to get him off of Jack and they finally quit.
I finished soaking up the water and had to leave the room. I started crying because...I did not have someone there to share that moment with. My daughter was there but I had realized I had thought about calling Troy and telling him about it...then I remembered...that is not an option.
I really don't know why I had thought to call him and tell him. It isn't like he had taken calls from me and listened to anything I had to tell him once he left for Kansas. He never really was 'available' and when he did call me it was on his way home from work and I got to listen to him complain about the traffic. Then he would cut it off by telling me he was going to go home and eat and fall asleep. The weekends were worse. NO communication.
I think it is just that I am anxious to have a normal relationship with a guy. I am anxious to have a PARTNER.
I signed up on one of those online dating sites. Committed myself to it. I got a message from a guy that lives in the next town east of here. He said he wanted to talk to me if I was interested after reading his profile. The woman that he described as who he was looking for was ME. And his description of himself was ideal. So...I sent him back a message that I was interested too. But, that was 2 days ago and he hasn't replied. Either he changed his mind or...
It made me nervous and I wasn't sure I am ready...but WHEN would I be ready? I know he might not have been THE ONE anyway but you don't know if you don't try.
And jobs...I am putting apps out for charter school teaching jobs. And praying.
It is weird things that get me upset.
Tonight my daughter spilled a glass of ice water on the livingroom carpet. I ran to get a towel from the linen closet and when I got back Max was trying to lick up the ice chips. Jack tried to get one and they started fighting. I was smacking Max trying to get him off of Jack and they finally quit.
I finished soaking up the water and had to leave the room. I started crying because...I did not have someone there to share that moment with. My daughter was there but I had realized I had thought about calling Troy and telling him about it...then I remembered...that is not an option.
I really don't know why I had thought to call him and tell him. It isn't like he had taken calls from me and listened to anything I had to tell him once he left for Kansas. He never really was 'available' and when he did call me it was on his way home from work and I got to listen to him complain about the traffic. Then he would cut it off by telling me he was going to go home and eat and fall asleep. The weekends were worse. NO communication.
I think it is just that I am anxious to have a normal relationship with a guy. I am anxious to have a PARTNER.
I signed up on one of those online dating sites. Committed myself to it. I got a message from a guy that lives in the next town east of here. He said he wanted to talk to me if I was interested after reading his profile. The woman that he described as who he was looking for was ME. And his description of himself was ideal. So...I sent him back a message that I was interested too. But, that was 2 days ago and he hasn't replied. Either he changed his mind or...
It made me nervous and I wasn't sure I am ready...but WHEN would I be ready? I know he might not have been THE ONE anyway but you don't know if you don't try.
And jobs...I am putting apps out for charter school teaching jobs. And praying.
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