Whew...I have literally been through every emotion today that I can go through.
Frankly...I am ready to quit. I just wanted a quiet Christmas. I don't ask for much really. I can be pretty easy to please.
The water filter in the basement is cracked and leaking. I have tried patching it. I even tried the tape that you are supposed to be able to use in place of the bottom of a boat...supposed to adhere even when wet. They lie. I tried an epoxy patch...too much water pressure...blew it right off. I have one more patch to try. I know I will have to replace the water filter. That is a whole day piece of work. And it is something I have to do all by myself...again. Cutting pipe. Replacing pipe. And I want to walk away.
I am tired. Feel like I am always running behind. Overwhelmed.
Dingus told our son that he was going to stop here around midnight on Christmas and drop Max off at the front door...even if I don't want to see him (Dingus...not Max). I would kind of like to see Max but it is kind of not fair to Max. He gets depressed. It would confuse him. And I would have to go through heart ache again.
It really angered me too that he felt he was just going to do what he wanted...no thoughts of whether or not I have plans...have any thoughts or feelings about it. So I texted him and basically told him that he no longer can just make me rearrange my life for him. He needs to have some consideration and realized that other ppl have lives and he should have been respcctful enough to ask. All I got was, "I was going to ask you." When you knocked on my door at midnight on Christmas night? That does not work for me.
He change his plans on the kids. While for TJ it just happened to work out but for Bethany...she had to ask for the day off. And he changed his plans. Typical. Her feelings about her dad are already on thin ice. He has this new live in and I know what Bethany is thinking. She already said, Wow! You would think it would be important to him to spend some time with his kids!
I have been gathering up EVERYTHING around this house that belongs to him or has any attachment to him and putting it in a box. I am having Bethany give it all to him. I am purging my house of anything that has to do with him.
I am not upset that he is gone...moved on. I am just wondering why everyone else has someone in their life and moving on when I am still here...struggling on my own. Why. I have taken good care of everyone to the point of sacrificing my needs and wants. Why. Why does he get to move on and have someone in his life when I am here alone...struggling with wiring problems and plumbing problems. Why does he feel that I do not deserve respect?
My daughter has one foot out the door. I have a feeling that on Dec. 27th, when she has a day off, she will be packing up her stuff and moving it all back to Jordan's. And here I will be.
She has moved on. My son has moved on. And Doofus has moved on. I raised my kids to move on.
And I have a cracked water filter and a wiring problem in the light switches in the hallway. A job that drains me every day...and I have to put in 10-12 hours days sometimes.
Two of our 8th graders died Wednesday. Died. One with terminal cancer and one was a hunting accident. And I just can't take one more thing. I need someone to curl up with and put his arms around me and tell me that I don't have to do it alone.
