One Big Drop

I need to pull out of this.  I can't even tell you what 'this' is.  I just know every since my daughter's open house, I have been doing the bare minimum.  Not even sure if I can claim that.

There is nothing to feel so depressed about.  Not even sure I can call it depression.  more in like in a holding pattern.  It will be fine...as long as I can at least keep the job I have.  That job will pay for my car and cell phone and buy the groceries.  I hate that I will have to rely on part of his income....nothing against him.  It just makes me feel like a failure.

When it comes down to it...I've carried that attitude about myself.  Two guys  that I graduated from HS with and they graduated from college with teaching degrees just like me...are now retiring from teaching.  They put in their 30 years and now they are done.  I dropped the ball.  And for years I have looked at myself in the mirror and wondered how I got there.

I told my husband that, while I am happy for him getting this job, I am also jealous.  He went to college, while I was working, and got out and jobs came easy to him.  Of course, he found the right ppl to schmooze...but still.  I still don't know where I belong.  And at my age (and weight) it is difficult to get a decent paying job. 

I need a time machine to go back and start over...from the day I started college.  AND I would get to take back the knowledge I have now about the process.