It is Time

It is time to use my blog to think in print...where I can visualize everything.  I am at a place in my life that could mean big change. 

I am tired...most of the time.  I feel drained.  Not quite sure where it all comes from...stress, menopause, depression...a general feeling of 'why bother'...

My marriage has had ups and downs.  Mostly downs.  Isn't that sad?  I think it is.  I have hung in there.  The truth of it is (and this has come from accepting what everyone, including my in-laws have told me) if I hadn't been there for my husband, helped him get to the school he wanted to go to, constantly patting him on the back, and doing everything else around us to make things easy for him...he wouldn't have gotten his education and be working in the field that he loves.

I chose to give up my teaching career to move all around with him...to raise our kids.  I am not anywhere I thought I would be in my life.  He resents me for NOT having a teaching job...for staying home and raising our kids.  He has not used the word 'resent'.  He stopped just short of it.  He said everything else.  I don't know how to give anymore.

I am an empty shell.  I have given everything to my kids becuz I love them so very much.  I have shared with and lassoed and dragged and pushed and let go of...my kids.  My son is finally a whole person with a brilliant light shining on him and in front of him.  He is doing very well...and he has the most wonderful girl that, Lord willing, he will share a wonderful life with.  My daughter has a lot ahead of her but she knows who she is and where she is going.  She still needs some help (and she is SO easily bothered) but she will be fine. 

Troy will be going off to Wichita to interview for a job that he REALLY wants.  I pray, for his sake, that he gets it.  I do not plan on going.  It is time.  It is a good place to cut the chord.  It is a good time to find me and like me again. 

He has gotten to a place where he does less and less.  The only thing he does more of, each day, is pick at me...who I am.  He talks to me as if I am brainless.  He EXPECTS everything and I am feeling more like the poor, dumb hired help.  And I am not being overly sensitive.  And I am tired of feeling badly about who I am.  I no longer feel an inner glow and happiness.

As I began this with...I am not really sure where it all comes from...why.  I think it could be a just a culmination of all things in life.  but do not call it a mid-life crisis...although it very well may be.

I just know I am tired and feel hollow.

I am working on finding myself a fulltime job.  Something substantial enough to support me.  I am looking so very forward to being without a relationship.  I will have my kids around for a while longer.  TJ will not finish his schooling until next March.  Bethany graduates this June...then will not begin her college until November. After that she will only need one year of classes (no summer off) to get her degree in sound production.    She and her friends are hoping to get a place together after that.  But that remains to be seen.

I don't know how all of this is going to go.  I am fairly certain that somewhere in this next year I will be on my own.  And I may be scared and nervous...but I am kinda looking forward to it.  It will be tough, and there will be anger and accusations.  I just know that I can step out of it all knowing that I gave everything I had to give.  I did more than I thought I could...and probably should.  He probably feels he gave more than he should have...perhaps he did.  But...it is time to throw in the towel and walk away.  I need a long rest.