Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

I have had too much time to think...or not enough time to myself.

There is a running tally sheet in my head concerning my marriage.  That right there says it all...I don't like tally sheets.  I just want ppl to be who they are and you either accept it or walk the other way if you can't handle it.

I have come to realize (although this is not the first time I have thought this) my husband has a 'plan' that I need to fit into.  I am not sure what it is and I'm tired of trying to figure it out or keep up with it.

For years I felt left out cuz I worked to keep us afloat.  In order to have a full-time teaching job I would have had to give up my reading/math tutor job and substitute teach in order to get in full time.  I kept the tutor job so we could have hospitalization so he could work his job(s) then go to college.  When he was done, I disappointed him by staying home with the kids.  He reminded me of it all the time. Yet, he spent all the time he could away from me and the kids. I have not beat him over the head with the things he has done that have hurt me or us...the stupid moves on his part...except the time he didn't spend with the kids. I never once belittled him about losing a job. why would I? It wasn't my job..I don't really know what all went on...and he felt bad enough. I made excuses for his awful decisions. And I blamed it all on me. Even now I second guess myself. After going back to work fulltime in a job I do not like (not really hate...just not something that makes me think 'yay!')and I listen to ppl yapping in my ear 8+ hours a day then I come home to listen to my husband on the other end of the phone going over the bank statement online one thing at a time critiquing every nickel I've spent...making me feel like a criminal. Or like a brain dead teenager that has no clue about anything. Then what do I do? Sit there going back and forth between irritation and feeling like an idiot. He can make me second guess myself all the time. I see other couples just do things together and not pick at each other all the time about something...just be carefree and happy and have fun. I couldn't even take a walk with him without him telling what was wrong with the way I walk. He picks at everything and can't have a discussion with you..he TELLS you how to do it, how it should be, what to think... I am more like a rookie employee. And you know what? I don't CARE anymore WHY he is the way he is. My making excuses for him, treating him nicely, supporting him has made no difference. He makes me feel badly about myself. and makes me want to cry a lot. and I hate being the female that cries.