Hang on For the Ride

I dropped my college classes.  It was just too much.  I could not keep up with all of that AND my job training.  There was studying that I had to do for that and I had so much college work....I had no time to do anything with my family or just to relax for a moment.  I made a choice and chose to be a quitter.  The day after I chose to be a quitter, my job trainer informed us that we could move up and around in the company quite easily BUT even easier if we have a bachelors degree...and it doesn't matter what that degree is for...just as long as we have one.  I HAVE ONE OF THOSE and then some.  I also took stock of my age and how long I have until retirement.  Forget more college. 

Troy has a job interview today.  I know he is hoping he gets the job.  He was great at being the stay at home husband for a bit but now he says, "I need to get out of here!"  He is not good at staying put in one place for long.

I like my job.  I really do.  Most of the ppl I talk to are just wanting to pay a bill...understand how they got to where they are...wanting stay ahead of the curve.  Then once in a while, someone calls whining becuz they don't understand why they keep getting disconnect notices.  I go through their billing and payment history and try to nicely explain to them what happened where and what they can do to help themselves and things we can do to make it as painless as possible...but they still want to blame us.  And I get it...life has happened and it hasn't happened nicely and they need someone to blame.  I don't take it personally.  I am a faceless voice on the other end of the phone that respresents another bit of frustration in their lives.  I have been hung up on 3 times in the last week.  And they go on being angry and frustrated and I only pray they find an end to it all and come out on the other side.

My son has registered to attend a school that will get him a media job...a TV station job.  He is happy with that prospect.  Student loans will not cover all of it so we will have to cough up some money to help him.  Considering that this school has a 95 percent job placement rate and it will only take him and year and a half I think this is a good place to have to hand over the extra money.  Our daughter wants to attend this place also.  She wants to go more into the sound production end of it while our son wants to do the camera work and editing. 

I am off from work today.  On a part-time schedule.  That is what I was hired for...part time.  They let us know in the last week of training there was a few full time openings.  So, I put in for one.  However, it has to go through this process with the union first...and that takes a few weeks.  Then the guy that is the head of our department gets to decide who gets the fulltime openings out of the trainees that put in for it.  yay.

I have actually taken to the new job rather well.  and I don't mind going there.  I made some new friends in my class...even tho now we don't get to see each other much.  Different lunch times and breaks.  But we stop into see each other, tell jokes...it's a nice place.

There are days when I find myself sitting and thinking about what is actually going on around me in my life.  Some of it does not make any sense.  And I have to force myself NOT to try and understand...think about it.  It is out of my hands.  All I can do it trust...have faith...and hang on for the ride.

Happy Side Affect

While trying to keep up with my full time job training (there is A LOT to learn!) and my classes is keeping my head swimming...Troy being out of work has had some surprisingly positive side affects.

Before I get to that, I have to tell you all...5 days into my new college semester I had the realization that I was in the wrong major.  I did not want Computer Programming.  What I wanted was Systems Administration.  SO, I had to drop 2 classes that I didn't need.  However, I could not pick up the 2 Cisco classes I will need that run concurrently, half a semester each.  SO, I did get to sign into Statistics because it is only the last half of the semester and I picked up a Database Pro class that is an online class.  The instructor said it was okay if I came in a week late as long as I got caught up quickly.  I am not a fan of Access.  I like Excel better.  BUT I would have been half way to being caught up by tonight except for a few things...the class is using Access 2010 and I have Access 2007.  SO my OS instructor gave me a link to get a free downloaded copy of it...but it was corrupted and was missing a piece of registry.  SO my cousin gave me a link to use a free 60 day copy of it until I can find a cheap student version.  I could not use it on my PC unless I uninstall my Office 2007...which I did not want to do SO I am downloading it onto my laptop.  Always something. 

Now...for the happy side affects.  Troy is finding out what my life has been like...and he's finding out that job hunting IS as TJ and I have been trying to tell him it is for the past 5 years, or so.  He is finding out it is all online.  That is not really the happy side affect, yet.

It is actually healing our family.  Troy has had to step down off of his high horse and have a dialogue with me.  I have listened and made adjustments and he has listened and made adjustments.  He has kicked TJ's butt and while TJ has not liked it...and complained to me about it, I think he was unhappily surprised that I took his dad's "side" about some things.  TJ has made some changes, also, and been stepping up more. AND Troy has really been helping out.  He has the coffee maker ready for me in the morning so all I have to do is push the button, he sometimes has a lunch ready for me to take, he does dinner almost every night, he has vacuumed and dusted...while looking for a job.  I get up at 5:50 a.m. during the week and make sure Bethany has something to eat for breakfast, let the doggies out, feed them, pack food for my lunch, eat my breakfast, drop Bethany off at her bus then fight my way through the traffic to get to work 20-25 minutes early.  When I get home Troy has dinner ready, I wash the dishes (or Bethany does), I sit with Troy for about an hour so we can talk, then I do homework and go to bed.  Except for Thursday night...I go straight from work to class and get home at about 9 p.m.  I talk with Troy for a bit then go to bed.  Friday night, I don't do much homework.  I spend that time with Troy.  I have to spend a lot of my weekend doing homework cuz I am playing catch up with some things.  I have 2 more weeks of full time training at work then I have 6 weeks of part time work.  Then I have 4 more weeks of full time training.  I hope, then, after that, I can get hired in full time. 

If I get hired in full time after the first of the year, I will have to adjust my college work load to part-time becuz I cannot keep up this full time work and full time college. 

Troy is still plugging away looking for a job.  But he is doing very well.  And our family has gotten closer together.  And he and I have gotten closer.  There is a better understanding between us.  It has been a big adjustment for us all but we are getting it.

The dogs were confused that I was gone all day and Troy was always here.  They do not like that even when I am home I don't have much time to sit with them.  But when I DO sit down, Jack is right on my lap, snugggling up to me...or Lucy.  Max has found my lap empty a couple of times so that he can have his turn.  But since I am not home so much anymore, when I sit down in a chair, I am never alone.

As the World Turns

Troy has had some job offers...Afghanistan, Indianapolis, Delaware.  There is also an opening for a 9 month contract for the UK. 

My classes have started.  My husband can help me with one, my son can help me with another, the other two should be easy enough.  The one class is Ethics...a psych class.  Right up my alley (sarcasm dripping). 

The first chapter of that book DID raise an interesting personal question...are my ethical boundaries there becuz of my religious beliefs or would they be there regardless?  If I had not been raised with the christian base that I have, would I still make the ethical choices I make?  I must admit that I have my christian beliefs inspite of others around me that said one thing and lived another way. 

Speaking of ethics...that leads to one of my pet peeves: ppl that do not take responsibility for their own actions.  I totally believe that if you are going to dance you gotta pay the band.  And that 'girl' that sits behind me in training is seriously getting on my last nerve.

She was whining this morning about some speeding ticket that she got...she didn't MEAN to speed!  She was following someone else and when the cop pulled THEM over, he took off while she got the ticket!  Then she said she told her friend that her birthday cost HER $150 (she was on her way to her friend's for her friend's b-day).  I just looked at her and said, 'No, her birthday did not cost you $150...your speeding cost you $150."  She whined, "But I didn't MEAN to speed.  I was just following that guy."
"but YOU were driving your car and YOU were not paying attention to YOUR speedometer."  She just gave me a poutie stare and then said, "well, it's still her fault cuz she was born on that day."  wow.
BONUS!  She was so upset with me for scolding her, she SHUT UP for 2 whole wonderful hours!  She talks incessantly...AND she SQUEAKS when she laughs.  She looks like Taylor Swift so she sits behind me and sings.  She doesn't sound like Taylor Swift.   She sells Mary Kay. 

LOL!  It takes all kinds to make the earth go round.  And my world sure does know how to go around!

Stay tuned...no one knows where things will be in another month...

Dull Point

Seems like it has been months since I went on that trip with my parents and sisters.  And I haven't had time to finish my blog entries about it.  I also have only had time to edit the pictures from the first day of the trip. 

This last week was good.  I like my job...I like the ppl in my training team.  It took me a while, believe it or not, before I started joking with everyone.  I think it was day 3 in the afternoon before I made my first joke.  The phone rang at the back of the room and the trainer answered it and when she hung up she said, "They (?) said you all had to get your drug screening done.  I am pretty sure you had that done before you even got to this point, right?"  Everyone said, "Yes!" and I said, very emphatically, "And boy was I sweatin' that!"  She looked up startled, I smiled, she laughed then everyone else laughed and someone said, "Yeah, like you look the part!" and the trainer said, "Those are the ones you have to watch!" 

I have sprinkled a few jokes here and there but not much.  Usually I do it in the afternoon when I am tired and silly.

Troy started out the week being all gung ho...cooking, a little cleaning (and I do mean LITTLE).  But by tonight he quit.  I put some pizzas in the oven after work. 

All I know is I have tried to be patient and understanding but if he doesn't get a job or a hobby soon I am going to find my own place to live.  I know this is difficult for him but he is getting a taste of what my life was like for the past I don't know how many years staying at home.  He complains about EVERYTHING!  He had to wipe crumbs off the counter...someone left a water bottle sitting on a lamp stand...the dogs have to be let in and out a bazillion times a day...blah blah.  He meets me at the door and starts right in...and he just goes on and on...and on and on.  It took me 2 hours the other night to watch an hour show becuz I had to keep hitting the pause button cuz he wouldn't shut up so I could hear it!  And when it wasn't him it was my daughter.  The only reason it hasn't been TJ is becuz he has been working at night and doesn't get home until an hour before I go to bed.  By then he isn't much interested in talking, either.

I never realized just how much Troy DOES talk and complain cuz he never hung around the house much.  And days when he wasn't traveling and he was home, he slept a lot. 

I called him today during my lunch hour and he said, "I could go to Afghanistan."  He was offered a temporary gig there.  The day before it was a job with Panasonic to go to Jamaica.  I am thinking he is just wanting to run away as far as he can.  When he mentioned the Afghanistan thing I said, "And what then is the point of us being married?"  I got no reply.  WHATever. 

All I know is, I made it thru one week of training.  And they have stretched it to be 5 weeks.  I start my college classes this weekend.  We also found out that after 5 weeks of training, we will be working our part time hours for about 6-8 weeks then we will be doing 4 more weeks of full time training.  Not sure how this semester of school is going to go with having to do both of these things...it will be interesting.

Toxins

I have not gotten to downloading pictures, yet.  There was too much 'real life' that I left behind when I went on the trip and it was all waiting for me as soon as I got back. 

It was a good thing, really, that I had the week to be gone.  My husband needed time to decompress and wrestle with things.  He said it would be better if I wasn't around cuz he would just drive us both nuts.  The kids basically stayed out of his way.  They are good at hiding.  I hardly ever see them.  Troy says, "I know they live here, that they are down in those bedrooms cuz food and drinks keep disappearing from the kitchen."  I also do an awful lot of laundry that doesn't belong to either Troy or me!  LOL

I turned in my shirt and name tag at the convenience store today.  Aaron said I could continue to work weekends there if I want but he wanted a commitment of time from me.  I told him that, in all fairness, I could not really do that.  I had thought it through and, even though my mother and Troy had told me I probably should table the whole school thing and try to get in fulltime at DP&L, I had decided that I was NOT going to give up the college classes and, if given an opportunity to work fulltime at DP&L I would not turn it down either.  I do believe the college classes will be the pivotal point in me getting a good paying job...one that will be able to support me in a decent manner.  AND given all of that, I really didn't see how I could work 7 days a week and still do my classes justice.  Something was going to have to give.  I shook Aaron's hand, thanked him for the job and making it so enjoyable.

As for Troy, I understand what he's going through.  It was totally shitty.  He has fessed up to other things that I already knew.  I feel like saying, "You walk around here telling everyone else what they are doing wrong, how they should do it and what is wrong with them BUT you never hold yourself to the same standard!" but I won't go there.  It will not help the situation and there are so many things wrong now that it would serve no purpose to throw more crap on the pile.

He said it is time he grows up.  To that I could only think "Amen"  In his mind supporting your family meant you were a grown up.  While that is most admirable, it is only one piece of the pie.  I have had my immature/ill conceived moments myself.  I could give excuses for it but none of that matters.  In the end, stupid is stupid...no matter what the reasons or excuses.

I spent the night before we left on the trip sleeping in my old room at my parents...but not sleeping.  I allowed myself a moment to take it all in, and cry.  Then I was done.  I cannot afford to think about any of it and panic.  If I feel myself starting to get panicked I pray.  And I calm down.  God will take care of it and in whatever fashion He feels best for whatever reasons, we will hang on and ride it out and it will work.

This time, however, I feel like it will be a make it or break it moment for this family.  The kids are grown, Bethany is graduating this year, and I could find a way to take care of myself and the dogs and help the kids find their way.  We have discussed options about their further education.

It is not Troy being out of work...it is how he handles being out of work.  I simply cannot keep following him around kicking his butt and making sure he stays on the right track and not go off on a self-destructive field trip again.  As I said in a previous post, he has always been somewhat disconnected from us anyway.  He has always done his own thing off in his own corner and every once in a while he will look over and say, "oh yeah...you guys....what's going on with you?"  It took him the first 10 years of our daughter's life before he could remember when her birthday is. 

If he wants to know where I am working starting next week, he can ask our neighbor Derek, since he and I will be working at the same place.  I would try to conserve gas and do my part for the carbon foot print but I won't ride to work with Derek.  Troy says he thinks Derek has a thing for me...I disagree but since Troy thinks that and I get the idea that Derek's wife Barb thinks that...Derek and I riding in the same vehicle to and from work every day is a big NO!

All I know is this week I have to concentrate and getting our daughter ready for school (she starts the day after I start my new job...and she will graduate in May!) and getting Troy set up with an updated resume, a LinkedIn acct, and off and running with his job hunt.  I know he dreads it...who likes it?  but he needs to start moving forward.  The longer you wallow the harder it is to get up.  I know this by personal experience. 

I also have the shutters to finish and get hung along with the paint on the garage door.   There is a little gardening to do (weed patrol) but that is pretty much good.

We got new neighbors across the road in Corky and Becky's house.  They have a toddler, a baby, and another one on the way plus 2 boxers.  Good thing that house has 4 bedrooms!  AND the evil neighbors behind us had a moving truck backed up there.  Troy got all excited but I told him I was sure it was just her parents moving out.  They moved in with them last year at this time for some reason and now they have moved back out.

Also, while I was away, I was in constant txt contact with TJ.  He was undergoing tests becuz he was slightly jaundiced looking and he was having constant stomach pains so bad that he could hardly eat anything.  He had dropped another 5 pounds in 2 weeks and he his jean shorts were falling off (he always wore them to fit...not that bagging trend).  Blood tests and scans.  Today they finally got back to him and said his blood work was all good but his scan showed what they thought was one of two things: 1) bowel blockages, OR 2) kidney stones.  considering his symptoms they are more inclined to think it is the first one.  I tend to agree.  His liver is slightly enlarged becuz of all the toxins it is having to deal with becuz of the blockages.  They are going to try dosing him with miralax and stool softeners first to see if it dislodges it.  I know it SOUNDS funny for anyone reading this but it is painful and poisonous to the system.  He had this happen many years ago right after his dad went off the deep end and then came crawling back home asking for my help.  Then TJ's health took a turn for the worse like this.  He ended up having to have his appendicts removed, too, becuz they got enflamed from all the toxins.  We are not sure how this happens...what is causing it.  But if they can't get things cleared up quickly he may have to have surgery.  I told him he really needs to quit drinking so much soda.  Perhaps the amount of sodium he takes in from that is making it worse.  I don't know...I'm grasping at straws.

I just know that it always seems when things go horribly wrong for/with my husband, TJ's health takes a down turn.  I never have just one thing to deal with at a time. 

And now...

Tour of Tears

I made it.  Gone since last Monday.  Whirlwind bus tour trip with my parents and sisters.  I think it was really tough on my parents at their age...especially my dad.  He was looking pretty well worn down by the time we got home.  Mom says he has been moving slower and spending more time reading...although he has that old corvette he bought to restore that he has put some time in puttering on.  He is 78 and my mom is 77.  They really didn't look their age compared to some of those ppl that were the same age that came on the trip. 

The trip was called "The Freedom Tour".  It was hosted by a pastor by the name of Randy Keeling.  His family used to tour around the country doing christian music concerts.  They recorded several CD's and sold them.  Their concerts grew and grew in audience number as word of mouth traveled.
(http://www.thekeelings.org/about_us.php) Randy wanted to do a tour of 9-11 memorials with a few places of the origins of this country thrown in for more perspective. 

Randy is really a great guy.  He LOVES to talk and he really cares about people.  He is the same age as my husband and he also shares a similar journey with my husband...going off the deep end into drugs and leaving his family, only to return and be saved by the sheer grace of prayer.

Our first stop was in Shanksville at the Flight 93 Memorial.  The black wall that ran the length of the edge of the debris field was long.  Along the way was little indentations where ppl had left coins, flowers, and personal items (such as bracelets, canes, stuffed animals, hats) in homage to those that had sacrificed in their fight against the terrorists.  It was a long walk...and I left quarters face down so that they would display "In God We Trust".  I cried all along the way...and with tears streaming down my face, I traced the names engraved on each of the marble panels that memorialized the passengers.  One marble panel for each one that died.  I stopped in front of the one that bore the name of Deora Bodley...a 20 year old college student.  She's older than my daughter, younger than my son.   The tears streamed down my face uncontrollably as I tried to imagine what it might have been like for her parents.  I could almost feel the all consuming pain. 

Our next stop was not until Washington, DC.  We took a night tour of the Memorials and monuments: Lincoln, Jefferson, World War II, Vietnam War, and Korean Conflict.  We stood and gazed upon the Washington Monument from the site of the WWII Memorial.  I took pictures of them all...the Wall of Ghosts, the Vietnam Wall of names and I stood in silence as I toured the WWII Memorial from one end to the other.  Such a magnificent site!  The soldiers moving through the 'rice field' at the Korean Memorial was truly a thing to behold.

My youngest sister and I walked up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to stand at the feet of Lincoln, we ALL climbed the stairs of the Jefferson Memorial to read the words etched in the walls of the building surrounding his statue.

The next morning we made our way to the Pentagon where we had received security clearance for an inside tour.  I stood in dumbfounded disbelief when we were shown where the jet had come in and how far of a path of destruction it made and I, again, teared up when I read the names of all that had been killed.  I cried as I walked through the Memorial that had been made outside the Pentagon.  It is just all so moving...

(to be continued...pictures will be posted)

Where Faith Meets the Road

Anxiety...worry.  You can NEVER be prepared for everything. 

Out of everything that I saw myself 'dealing with'...this was not one of them:  today my husband lost his job.  12 years with this company.  Politics.  And he got caught in the middle of incompetence and it all came down on his shoulders.  Someone had to take the fall and it was so much easier to let it be him.

This is where faith has to hold us up and keep us going.

This is not the first time we have been here.  I just have to keep my cool and keep him focused in the right direction.  I can't handle it again if he goes off the deep end again and rests his psyche on drugs.  I got him through one rehab...among other things. 

Dear God, I know you hear me.  I have trusted you...and I may have taken it all for granted lately, thinking it was finally our time to relax and enjoy things.  You have other ideas.  I am not sure what it is you want us to do or where you want us to go.  Just let it be not quite so hard on the kids this time.

Look Thru Another Window

Anxiety...worry...such a waste of energy.  It serves no purpose and it makes no difference. 

 I will do as well as I can with the new job.  I will do as well as I can with my classes.  I will do as well as I can with planning and doing what I can at home.  The rest will have to be figured out among us as we go along. 

I think back to when I was single, living in Cleveland, working, going where I wanted when I wanted.  The apartment got cleaned when it got cleaned...and it took all of a half hour to sweep and dust.  I was a nut about the bathroom being clean so it got cleaned almost every other day...and that took very little of my time.  But now, I can no longer plan on stopping off at the gym on the way home from work then heating up some soup and making a sandwich for dinner.  Or just coming straight home from work and going face down on the bed for an hour or two...then eating a bowl of cereal when I got up.  They all kinda wait for me to do something about a real meal for them to eat around here.  And this house takes WAY longer than half an hour once a week to clean.

After my last blog post, I did a bit of browsing through some other blogs that I didn't know.  I found a whole lot of people writing blogs about their lives that are TRULY dramas.  The things they all have to deal with is mind bending!  Of course, there is the plop of whiner blogs (like mine) that you read and you think, ' call the WAHmbulance'.  I think that about myself a lot.

Then again, most of the people I come into contact with around me make me shudder.  I have no words for the depths of ignorance and vast lack of common sense.

I had a long conversation with Derek's wife the other day.  Derek lives next door.  His wife, Barb, is quite large...pale...wheezes when she walks...not to mention easily breaks into a sweat.  She is a very nice person.  Really!  Our conversations have never been very long but the other day I was amazed becuz I was standing outside my garage talking with Derek who came over looking for a tool that he was missing and thought it MIGHT be one Troy borrowed.  I looked up and saw Barb walking across my front yard...all the way across my front yard!  This is amazing becuz the most of a walk I've ever seen her take was from her SUV to her front door!  She stood there and joined in the conversation and kept talking...and talking.  I never knew exactly what she did for a living.  Turns out she is a computer geek.  She does programming and network security...she also taught some classes at a small college.  She was going on and on about the stupidity of the students.  She is totally wigged out about the thought that these scholars are going to be 'running' the technical infrastructure.

My son even complains about his co-workers.  He asks them about things or tries to have intelligent conversations about things and they don't have a clue about anything.  In his words, "Do they even look at the news on TV...EVER?" 

Choreographing the Dance

I don't know why I do it.  I get anxious over ANY change in my life...even if it is a good one.

I barely got a chance to get used to the convenience store job and now I'm off to another one.  It will be a good thing...or so I am hoping.  Everyone tells me it is a good thing.  'Everyone' should know.  Right? 

But everything is getting squished together in a small area.  I am taking the trip with my parents and sisters next week.  Then as soon as I get back I start training on the new job...although they said there is a 'slight' possibility that it will have to wait until the 20th.  I am kinda expecting it to get pushed to the 20th. 

My daughter is to start driving classes on the 16th.  Her first day of school is the 21st...her senior year.  I know I have pointed that out before but I have to keep reminding myself cuz it just doesn't seem real to me yet!  My college classes start the next week. 

I managed to move my Tuesday morning class to Thursday night so that it will not be in the way of my job training or work schedule.  The other Tuesday class, however, had no other choice.  The instructor, though, is very understanding and said she would send me everything I needed on the Blackboard and I could send my assignments back through the college email...except for the quiz that I will be missing.  She said she would arrange for me to take it in the library when I come on Thursday night for my other class.  That is one less worry for me, then.

HOWEVER, it did finally hit me that my 4 weeks of training is full time and the last 3 weeks of it will over lap with my college classes...which are FULL TIME.  I'm just hoping my old mind can handle it.  I wouldn't sweat it becuz I would think, 'no prob!  I can do most of the work on the weekend!'  PROBLEM!  What happens is the instructors put the assignments up on Blackboard on Sunday night and want it all done by Thursday night!  The only 2 classes that I can do the work for over the weekend are the classes that I am actually physically supposed to be there for...the 2 CIT classes. 

Shouldn't borrow trouble.  I don't know what I have to do for any of the classes, yet.   The only piece of good news there is that one of the 3 online classes is only half of a semester so I will have one less class by the time the holidays roll around.  Good thing becuz by then I will be helping TJ get ready to attend his new college.  The classes will start the last Monday in November.  Now, honestly...what kind of time is THAT to start a semester?  I already pointed out to him that he would be going consecutive semesters...that means no summer off.  I hope he enjoyed his down time this summer.  I know he enjoyed his new job more than that one he had last summer.

I am already making the lists.  The calendars and the lists.  It would certainly help if Troy could put his 'schedule' on the calendar!  Yesterday was our 23rd anniversary.  And after 23 years don't you think he would KNOW and would cooperate with filling in the calendar???  He KNOWS that 'time' organization is a big thing with me!  I need to be able to plan ahead as much as possible.  Life is a series of dances and it all has to be coordinated.  For 22 years, I have coordinated the dance for me and TJ then Bethany joined in.  Troy has refused.  He has always been doing his own dance off to the side and every once in a while he'll look up and wonder what we're doing.  I put up the dry erase calendar and board in the kitchen so that he could see the direction the dance was going in and maybe add his steps to it.  nope.

When he asks me what my work schedule is or when a dr. appt. is, or whatever, I just tell him, "IT'S ON THE FREAKIN' CALENDAR!!!  LOOK!" 

So, this trip, with my parents and sisters, has been planned since February, at least.  I have reminded him of it from time to time.  I got sick of giving him daily reminders for the past 2 weeks so I erased the calendar and rearranged it to show when the trip is.  And yesterday....he looks at me....and says...."So are you the only one going on this trip?"  *birds chirping*  (I know he meant the only one from our household). 

Just for a split second I considered saying, "NO!  Don't tell me you forgot to take vacation time!"  But I wasn't feeling it...I looked at him with a straight face and said, as calmly as you please, "Yes."  and walked away.

sigh...and THERE is the biggest source of my anxiety.  I CANNOT count on him to step in and take up the slack.  How can he when he isn't familiar with the dance and has never made an attempt to become a part of it?  The kids get it!  They don't help entirely but they get it and they help more than none. 

I can see it now...once the kids are done with college, get jobs and move out...it will be Troy doing his own thing and once in a while he will just happen to think about the fact that there is someone else in the house...doing the laundry, grocery shopping, adding to the bank account...he'll bump into me in the kitchen and say, "Where is it you are working?"  I could probably pack my bags and leave and he wouldn't notice until he ran out of clean underwear.

Fat Mouth

I just will NEVER understand why some ppl think they are so very entitled...to the point of treating others like they are like gum caught on the bottom of their shoe. 

Some young black woman who you could tell spent a lot of money on her hair and nails...and was driving a very expensive SUV got mad at Nick tonight becuz she had to wait in line to buy her freezie thing.  She started swearing at him, called him things that should never come out of the human mouth and told him he was nothing cuz he worked for change.  Nick lost it and followed her into the parking lot and basically told her where to put it all.  Then he came inside and told me that he probably just killed his 'career' at this particular establishment.  I told him only if someone told on him and all I heard was what that beotch had said. 

He said, "my whole life is someone yelling at me calling me names.  I was supposed to be getting married this October but my son's mom decided she couldn't stand me and moved out...then came back a week later and said she decided she loved me...then every day it's "I love you" in the morning and by that evening she's calling me names for whatever reason and telling me she hates me."  I shook my head and said, "bipolar...it will never get any better.  Worse, maybe...but never better."  He told me, "she's a shrimp like you and I would do anything for her...but she can be so hateful.  And then that news I got last week about my dad dying from cancer...this is all too much."  I just told him that since she was his son's mom, he could not break the ties entirely but why was he knocking himself into a wall over it?  He needed to do a reality check, learn to like himself and move on.  As for his dad, I had no advice.  It's tough.  I also told him that he really needed to take a long look at his life goals.  He is 28 years old and needed to get going.

I really hate being the mom...especially when I've had to give myself that advice over and over.

Darryl was not too thrilled with my news about leaving.  He said,"Nancy, you're breaking my heart."  HA!  I told him, "wow!  So dramatic.  Like I'm irreplaceable.  You can replace me with a HS kid."   

And that is the reality of THAT.   3 of us are moving on...two more are looking for some place else to go.  And if Kylie doesn't cut down on her partying, she may find herself looking for someplace else to go too.  She was 6 hours late for work!  6 hours.  She told everyone that she went to a bar last night with a friend and someone must have slipped a rufi into her drink cuz she couldn't wake up.  More like someone drank too much, went to bed with the sun and just COULDN'T get up.  The last weekend I had worked with her she was complaining about only getting an hour's sleep after being out with friends the night before.  I just looked at her and said, "one day, you'll do better. right now you are young and think you can burn the candle at both ends until they meet in the middle.  Been there, done that."

ah...youth.  I wouldn't want to repeat it.  I think back to those days and realize how out of control and naive they were.  I am happier where I am...although I could do with less around my torso.  LOL

Over and Out

yuck.  I think I am coming down with whatever TJ is getting over.  I think a dose of outside work is in order. 

WHAT?  you might ask.  Whenever I get to feeling this badly in the summer (or warmer spring and fall days) I tend to gravitate outside to soak up some sun and 'fresh' air.  It helps...the manual labor sweats it out of me.  And since the temp is down today, it would be good.  I have an abundance of weeds to take care of and some plant clipping to do.  Troy said he wants to manicure the lawn and do some edging but he is kinda being a dragon tale about it.  So, if I go out there and start working, he will too...out of shame.  LOL!

BUT before I do that, I have some quick vacuuming to do and some laundry to get started on.  You'd be surprised at how quickly I can move a vacuum cleaner and broom! (and no...not RIDING the broom!)

I also found out, by doing some internet reading, what the hold up was on getting the CSR's hired and training started for DP&L (Dayton Power and Light)...they were waiting on a stockholder approval meeting for a merger with IP&L (Indiana Power and Light)...which is owned by AES...which also owns a Virginia power company.  They promised no layoffs until after 2013...right.  HOWEVER, with 3 major power companies under their belts, they are going to do some restructuring...concentrating certain departments at certain venues...in other words, they won't lay you off, however, if your department is being moved from Ohio to Virginia and you don't want to move, then you have the option of leaving on your own.  They didn't lay you off, you left willingly. 

What am I getting sucked into? 

Just give me a stable job for a couple years.  Then once I get my comp. prog. degree I can go elsewhere if need be.  sheesh.

Just when I think I'm climbing over the hump, I might be getting thrown out the door.

Flashing Cougars

It has rained for 2 days now.  How wonderful!  Our latest utility bill came...it has the water/sewer/electric/trash on it.  Half of it is still covering the extra electric use from the nephew...and he used A LOT himself, plus the extra water/sewer... but it also covers all the extra water usage from watering the lawn and flowers.  It is a BEAUTY!  ugh.

I was contacted by the electric company that covers areas south of us about a job I had interviewed for...went through the info session and screening interview, computer testing, then the grueling hour and half, 3 panel interviewing process.  They wanted to offer me a job.  I will be getting my 'instruction' letter in the mail in the next few days.  It tells me where to go for the background check and drug testing.  IF I pass both of those (HA!) then I should begin training on Aug. 13.  Training is 40 hours a week for 4 weeks.  It starts the Monday after the bus tour vaca with my parents/sisters.  My mother is relieved.  My daughter is disappointed becuz she selflessly volunteered to take my place had I not been able to full fill my obligation.  To which my youngest sister said, "REALLY?  She WANTED to go on a bus tour with a bunch of old people?"  She just wanted to go on a vacation!

While the training period misses the vacation trip schedule, it will run smack into the first two weeks of my college classes.  For 4 of my classes it will not be a problem...3 of them are online, a 4th one I can reschedule for Thursday night instead of Tuesday morning...but the MAIN pivotal class I can do nothing about.  It is late Tuesday afternoon.  My son had this particular instructor for a few classes and he assures me that she can be flexible within reason and considering the reason...she could archive the class online for me to view.  It would be the first 2 classes.  Once training is done, I only have to work one full day and then 2 four-hour days...with the option to pick up an extra shift.

This is the job where one of the interviewers happened to also be an x-teacher, liked the a facts that I used to work in a bank AND am going back to college for computer programming.  She said that my teaching background and banking background will be very helpful for what my job would entail AND once I get some computer programming classes under my belt she would like to use me to help her design an updated data base system for their department.  No pressure.

I am waiting until I get the letter and look things over before I put in my notice at the store.  Poor Aaron...he is not going to be a happy camper.  He will be losing me and Ryan (he's going back to college) and Larry, who is transferring to another store closer to where he lives.  That leaves him with Quizzy who is kinda light on reasoning abilities, and Pat who is nice but lazy, Erica who only wants to work 2 shifts a week, Jeremy who can only work 3rd shift a few times a week, Zack who works ONLY 3rd shift cuz he is a computer geek that likes to sleep all day, Ashley who can only work in the kitchen becuz she can't get along with the customers, and Kylie.  Kylie might be able to work more.  But she breaks things.  Guess he's going to be training some more ppl!

And when Aaron asks me why I would want to leave...let's see...more pay...I don't have to empty the trash or clean any bathrooms at any time...or make coffee.  No coffee...at anytime.  LOL!!! 

I could essentially ride to work with my next door neighbor Derek on Mondays!  yeeeaaahhhh....no.  He tends to get on my nerves...he's a bit too nosey and know-it-all for me.

On another note...my Sirius radio subscription for my car came up for renewal.  I told my husband to cut it.  While satellite radio has its perks...the price isn't one of them.  As I pointed out...i'm not in my car all that much and there are a bazillion radio stations to listen to in this area PLUS I have an mp3 player I can plug in and listen to. 

Took my daughter down to a local show arena to buy her and TJ some XFest tickets for their birthdays again (like last year...xfest is between their birthdays).  She was so excited and talked a mile a minute all the way there (it's first thing in the morning!  SHUSH!).  We got there and her fave radio station was set up there streaming live.  We were stopped before entering the building by some youngsters in black t-shirts, black hair, gauges, and tattoos handing out demo CDs...one of the bands for xfest.  I was surprised that they handed me one as well.  I told them while I appreciated the thought I would be handing it on to my son for whom I was also buying the ticket cuz I'm old and their music is a wee bit out of my realm.  The one kid laughed and said, 'you never know...you might like it if you give it a listen."  I laughed and said, "I'm pretty much guessing you are not on the same block as Gavin Degraw."  He laughed too and said, "My girlfriend likes Gavin...he's not too bad.  You might want to listen to us on your CD player in your car!"  I said, "both my kids will have one of these...I'm sure I'll hear it."  and went inside to get the tickets.  I stepped up to the lady at the window, who was grey haired and looked grumpy and I said, "Nothing like getting accosted first thing in the day!"  I think her face cracked cuz she suddenly started laughing!  I asked her for 2 tickets, and then handed them to my daughter and said, "Happy birthday to you and your brother."  The woman got this look on her face like, "oh...that's nice" like she was relaxing.  Once I got outside I kinda understood why.  There were grown women of the 50-60 age range dancing around in little tops and little shorts, sporting some questionable tattoos and flirting with the disc jockeys (please...the tattoos are fooling no one...the spider veins still show! and tank tops don't help the flapping arms!)  The disc jockeys were looking slightly uncomfortable but being kind.  And I was thinking "who said being a cougar was sexy?"  Do they KNOW how ridiculous they look?  I know I was depressed and cried for 2 weeks when I turned 50 but somewhere along the line one must come to grips with reality.  Show some dignity!  If you can rock a tank top and daisy dukes at that age, congrats.  BUT don't be hitting on guys young enough to be your son/grandson!  As for the tattoos, it is no secret that I am not a fan of them at all BUT at least don't use them to try and camoflage the varicose and spider veins and stretch marks cuz it is just pathetic.  LOL!

Anyhow, I dropped an entry paper into the box for Ms. Bethany to win a prize.  You had to be present to win and there was only 20 more minutes.  They ended up drawing her name and she won a Black Keys CD...I know she listens to them and I don't find them entirely annoying.

On the way home she was talking even more and even faster (think Chip and Dale...LOL!  I love my daughter, I love my daughter).  She put the demo CD in and it sounded like someone trying to sing and barf at the same time.  She tried another song...it started out nice...then the barfing began.  yeah...eject. 
So...what do Sick Puppies sound like?  I've heard Seether and Dropkick Murphies (on the list of bands to be there) and then there is something called 'falling in reverse' that Amber says she LOVES (I'm not sure if she meant the band or the actual act of it).  But if they are a barf and sing kinda band...I don't get it.

My youngest sister Melissa says her husband Matt loves Dropkick Murphies and every time he puts the CD in the player they all run and hide.  LMAO!  Perhaps he would like XFest...where he can get some music and a peep show all at once.  According to TJ there was a lot of the Cougars doing some 'flash' dancing last year.  ew...again...HOW OLD ARE YOU???  gaaaahhhhhh.

and yes...I bought them tickets for that A-GAIN.

All These Treasures

Today the outside air was overheated and heavy.  Every once in a while it tried to shed a bit of its water weight.  And now that I am done planting things, Troy has taken some rather odd delight in watering everything...including the dogs.  He went out and bought a second sprinkler so that he can have one hooked up to both the front and back hoses and have them both going at the same time.  I really hate to see the next water bill.  What we saved in gas for the lawn mowers is going to pay for keeping the yard from turning to dust and keep those plants and bushes I spent so much money on from dying. 

TJ is finally starting to feel somewhat human again. He didn't start out so great this morning but after the second dose of antibiotics had a bit of time to work, he arose ready to try eating food. 

Jackie was finally able to stop by.  She looked around the house at all my hard work on my plants then moaned over the fact that it has been 4 years since the last time she visited...actually, a bit longer than that!  We hadn't bought this house yet.  Like me she said, "Where did the time go?  what happened?"  It has a way of zooming past you so quickly...and there is always a lot of things that seem to need to be done...ppl get put on the back burner.

She got to see what  I have done with all the treasures I collected from our trips to the Old Time Pottery store.  I hope the next time she comes to visit the inside of the house will be painted.  I still am determined to get that done before the end of October.  At least the livingroom, hallway and kitchen.  I have backsplash to put up in the kitchen too.  The list never gets shorter. *sigh* But at least I have plenty to keep me out of trouble!

The doggies were happy to have someone else to entertain.  Max took an instant liking to Jackie.  Max is my ppl meter.  Or am I his?  LOL  All I know is he does NOT like that woman that lives behind us AT ALL...nor is he very fond of Larry across the road to the side of us.  He seemed to think Jackie was pretty sweet...I think he wanted to keep her.  Even Jack kept hopping up on her lap and staring at her.  Lucy would stand by her chair and wait to be petted. 

We ended up going out for lunch and getting caught up on what was going on with our parents and siblings.  We don't get to sit and talk like that but once a year.  This year has been exceptional...we have got to sit and talk face-to-face twice!  I am feeling a third time coming on since I told her I was hoping to make another trip to Old Time Pottery for fall and winter home decorations.  She loves that place as much as I do.  It is an hour and half drive for me...almost 3 for her but her sister lives nearby and she can kill 2 birds with one stone.  I drive there, shop, we have lunch, I drive home.  With lots of treasures and some treasured time spent with my friend.

And another treasure today...for my daughter...she is now the proud owner of a driver's learning permit!  She is so proud!  And now the fun truly begins....

De-germ, De-corate, De-bus

( started this post on Monday night but it probably will show as posting on Tuesday)
Day Two off from work.  My plans for today at first had included finally getting The Drama Queen to the license testing dept. to take her learner permit test.  We have had a couple of failed attempts, lately.  THEN I was to meet with my friend Jackie who would be visiting from the other side of the state...she finally got some vacation time and was going to visit another friend in Indiana so she could mark us both off of her list of friends to see.  I had also figured on doing a bit of outside plant tending.

I know that what I plan isn't what happens.

My son was pretty sick yesterday.  So I told him I would call the doctor first thing Monday morning cuz I figured he had another case of strep.  2nd time in 6 months.  Like me, he works in a store and handles a lot of money and stuff.  While I am at work I use the hand sanitizer at least 4 times AND everytime I go in the back room to get cups and other supplies I wash my hands with the sanitizing soap...I do that at least 4-5 times a shift also.  Then when I get home I wash my hands 3 times before I touch anything!  LOL  I can be kind of an Adrian Monk.  TJ, however, is not quite as cautionary.  I also told him to quit buying ready made food from that store's deli.  I will not buy food from THEIR deli dept...I do not trust those particular workers as to their level of personal hygiene. 

ANYWAY...called the doctor this morning and got him an appt at 11.  Got Ms. Drama out of bed then called Jackie.  Since it was Jackie's first day of vacation she found she was enjoying lounging and changed the visit to Tuesday...which worked out better for me after all.  TJ made an appearance, could hardly talk or swallow.  Dug out every oral antiseptic I could find for him to rinse and spray his mouth/throat with and took Ms. Drama to the license testing bureau...which is closed on Monday mornings!!!!  SO, we stopped at Wal-market and I bought a large bottle of children's liquid advil and a few other items the Mr. put on a list.
Got home and gave TJ a large dose of the children's pain reliever.  He said it was an instant help...I figured it would be the best help he could have.

The doctor looked at his throat and went 'Ew...here we are again...same as February.  You have GOT to sanitize your hands!  Your immune system is too weak!"  She prescribed liquid antibiotics.  I got him home with his meds...dosed him, he drank some Ensure plus and I gave him a mild sleeping pill to help him rest so the meds could work and he wouldn't be bothered by the pain.  he had slept about an hour the night before.

The Refi Guy called us to come sign SOME MORE papers so that was a hassle in the middle of my day.  Be glad when the whole thing is over!!!  But the lower mortgage pymts and rate will be worth it.

THEN I went to work scrubbing their bathroom from top to bottom.  ALL of it...clorox cleaner, lysol, lysol spraying everything too.  Gave my daughter a new toothbrush head and tube of toothpaste and had her keep it somewhere else until tomorrow night.

Then I figured I might as well get out the new wall decor and stuff I had bought for that bathroom and not put up in the last 2 months.  Good time for a new shower curtain, shell covered cotton ball jar, metal sculpture of a tiki hut, metal sculptures of a tropical tree frog and geiko climbing the walls, and drinking cup with a tropical pic on the outside.  It isn't all the much but just that little bit made a difference.  They like it and it put a little smile on both their faces.

Before I cleaned the bathroom....the dogs got baths.  All 3.  Max has always loved having a bath.  He will jump right into the tub and stand there so nice until it's done.  He'll wait until I throw a towel over him before he shakes.  Lucy is learning...she likes the water but, for some reason, does not like the tub.  Jack just does not like any of it...I have to hang on to him like I'm dipping a cat into the water.  He finally gave up and sat down, looking very forlorn.  Then I sprayed them with the special doggy deodorizer spray that smells like baby powder.  Jack hates to be sprayed too so I have to sneak up on him and grab him.  The other two just sit real still then sniff each other when I'm done.

I also was able to get most of the laundry done today.  Doesn't sound like a lot but it took up my whole day and I'm tired.  I don't think it's so much the age as it is the weight that makes me tired.

My lil sis calls me everyday that I don't work just to remind me of the trip that is looming...the bus tour trip with our parents.  3 more weeks.  yay.  bus tour.  My mother is anticipating a good time cuz she knows how entertaining her girls are when we get together.  I'm anticipating a back ache from the bus seat. 

Contemplating and Arresting Attitude

Ahhhh...I have today off...a Sunday off.  Haven't had one of those in a little while.  I am practicing my usual Sunday "routine".  Get up, drink coffee and watch HGTV rehab programs while messing with the computer.  The dogs are given mass quantities of chewy things so they will be occupied.  Later I will sort laundry, put a load in and collapse from the strain of it all...until time to put in another load.  Somewhere in there I will manage to take a shower and put on something clean that I may find somewhere. 

Sunday would ordinarily have a dinner of leftover buffet except I did not plan ahead for it so today, with the heat, we are going to have BLT's and corn on the cob with perhaps a little pasta salad on the side.  Then, becuz my contemplation of going to morning church took too long to contemplate and I did not go, I will attend evening service which I enjoy more anyway becuz there is not so much congregational singing involved.  I do not know why but having to put in a half hour of singing on Sunday mornings berfore the minister speaks just kinda grates on me.

I decided to take a different attitude about my job at the convenience store.  I know that God directs my life and I do not understand all the time His purpose for me NOT getting the job I think I should have BUT....
I AM returning to college full time this fall and I need study time.  If I got the teaching job it would be way more work than the time they tell you that you will be paid for.  Also, the store job is more flexible and there is nothing to do with it when I am not there.  I get paid for every second I am there.

I also love my co-workers.  Well...the ones that work 2nd shift.  However, Larry, on 1st shift, while kinda odd (a guy one year older than me but sounds and looks like he is about 15 years older than that) has started to warm up to me (cuz, as he says, 'you are a worker!') and I'm getting used to him.  The other 1st shift person, Ashley, still needs to find herself a personality.  No expression on her face...EVER.  I guess that is why they keep her in the kitchen in the back and she is not allowed to work the registers.  I still prefer 2nd shift. 

Plus Aaron, the manager, is nice enough to work out schedules the way we ask.  He is a nice guy.  The new co-manager, Darryl, seems to like me and has joined in on my joking.  Nick, the manager in training, is young and whines but he likes to joke with me too.  He also knows when he trains me in something new that it will be the only time he will have to show me or say anything to me about it. 

Although, Nick came into work yesterday afternoon looking like hell.  I knew he left work the afternoon before hauling beer out and he was having a party cuz his brother was visiting from Chicago.  I said, "Not feeling good there Nick?  Too much party?"  "I didn't get to bed until 4:30 this morning."  "How old are you?"  "28" "old enough to know better"  "My brother is older than me and he stayed up drinking too."  "BUT your brother didn't have to work today, right?"  "No...he lives in Chicago!"  "then he KNEW he could stay up all night drinking."  "Would you work a double and let me go home?"  "um...that would be a no.  Why should I suffer for your stupidity?"  I kinda felt sorry for him but not THAT much.

However, just so I did not totally dent my karma, when a troop of boyscouts on their way home to Michigan from a camporee in Tennessee broke down in our lot and were waiting in the heat for other troop cars ahead of them to come back and get them, I bought them all freezies.  They were grateful and the biggest smile was on the face of one of the adult leaders.  He was the first one at the freezie machine.  LOL 

Anyhoo...I am gonna go continue with my lazing around.  It's Sunday...the day of rest.

OF course...

Well...I am one step closer to being stuck working at the convenience store.  Don't know why I thought I just MIGHT make it into being an online educator.  I just got my official 'we have decided on pursuing other candidates' email this morning.  Every time. 

I so wish I had had a crystal ball back in 1979.  I would have done as my cousin Rick and taken up studying for a degree in computer programming way back then.  It was new and not too many ppl were getting into it.  He has made quite a good living at it (of course, he is a major geek with limited social skills...but I could be that very easily, too). 

This teaching degree I got myself has never really amounted to a whole lot.  Don't know WHY I wasted the time and money on taking those classes a couple of years ago to get my license renewed. 

Oh well...

Now I will go be depressed...

I'm Growing Up Too Fast!

There are many big moments as one grows up.  Learning to walk and talk, first day of school, first date, prom, graduations...

For me, the big moments are those when your 'child' doesn't really have a curfew anymore (but they know enough to be home at a decent hour anyway) and when they go to doctor appts. and college counselor appts without you.  I know that stuff sounds kinda weird but...it is when I know that they are truly becoming a grown up.  They don't need you there anymore. 

However, I think the scariest thing EVER is when your child obtains a Learner Permit for driving and starts driver ed school...And then they get an actual driver's license and go out there on the road...driving a car...without you. 

My son's driving kinda scared me.  It's gotten a lot better and I would actually rather be a passenger in the car when he is driving than when his dad is driving.  The only way I survive my husband's driving without having a heart attack is I take my MP3 player, put the earbuds in, turn it up, recline the seat a bit and close my eyes.  I tell him to just let me know when we reach our destination...or we've gotten into a terrible accident and I'm dead.

Today I am taking my daughter for her Learner's Permit test.  I have already scheduled driver ed. classes for you in anticipation of her passing. 

Yikes.

I am looking ahead to this fall when we will be used car shopping for her.  We teased her that we are trying to buy our neighbor's purple Saturn off of him for her.  She howled.  LOL!  Perhaps, though, a used Ford Focus.  BUT that's thinking too far ahead.  One step at a time.

I also got a call today to schedule her Senior class yearbook pictures.  Senior class.  Last year of school.  I know this is way too late but I'm rethinking the whole 'starting her a year early in school' thing.  She will still be 17 when she starts college! 

Okay...no time to hyperventilate here. 

The Head Job

Now...about the jobs. 

I was hired back in April/end of March for a supposed kindergarten teaching job.  It was for one of those chain preschool/daycare/kindergarten/after school program places.  I had taught a preschool class many many years ago and I had had a lot of fun doing it.  But this place was chaos and everyday it felt like they were scrambling.  It turns out they had gone for about 3 months without an actual teacher in that class.  AND it was unorganized and a mess.  They expected me to organize it and do all kinds of things that they should have been helping with.  It turned into sheer anxiety for me.  The kids were acting out mainly becuz they had been shuffled between caretakers for months, the parents were super critical...it was just too much for me to handle at that time.  With things changing at home and everyone trying to get used to things...my son started a new job at about the same time, the nephew had started a job and trying to keep track of everyone's schedules and keeping things taken care of at home...I had dry erase boards put up in the kitchen so that we could communicate with each other and keep track of work schedules...also keep track of who was responsible for picking Bethany up from the HS at the end of the day.  I began feeling panic attacks coming on...everything felt out of control and I wasn't understanding it.  I had never felt so out of control and so much like I couldn't get a handle on things in my life.  I ended up leaving the job...it was a mutual thing.  They said it didn't seem like I was happy being there.  (what was your first clue?)

I think the worst part of it all was my husband who told me he was DISAPPOINTED in me.  wow.  All the things he pulled...the job he hated and the crack problem he went through...and so much more...and HE was disappointed in ME!  I was speechless.  Just when I needed someone's support the most, I got knocked down and kicked in the stomach.  It just managed to cement some future plans that had been floating around in my head. 

I am starting computer programming classes this fall.  It will take me 2 years but I will have an internship and a job when I'm done. 

In the meantime, I got busy looking for a part-time job that would have a more flexible schedule.  I put out all kinds of resumes and applications.  I first obtained a job at a local convenience store.  I really like the ppl I work with and there is nothing extra that I have to do after I clock out. 

Once I got that job, I heard from the local utility company about a part-time job I put in for with them...months earlier.  I made it through the screening interview and the test AND the final hour and half long, 3 panel interview.  They said they were going to hire a large number of part-timers and a few full-timers.  They tried to talk me into full-time but with the college schedule I have coming up this fall I just couldn't see it.  They had planned on starting training classes this week and were going to notify ppl by letter if they made the first training session, second training session or none.  However, that seemed to be too ambitious of a schedule and with the storms that went through and the problems they encountered they STILL haven't gotten the letters out.

At the same time, I was contacted by an online charter school about part-time to full-time teaching positions.  I was invited to an online info/screening session.  I attended then they contacted me a week later to see if I was still interested.  Of course!  THEN another week or so later they sent me an email interview to fill out.  It was another week or so after that when I was contacted to sign up for a final interview appt.  They were doing it by tele-con.  I had that last week.  They said they would not know for sure who or how many they were going to hire until the end of August. 

Everything is hurry up and wait.  Of course I would like the online charter school teaching position.  It pays way better than the job I have now or the one with the utility company.  AND it would save wear and tear on my vehicle.  The one woman at the utility company was really interested when I told her about my re-entry into college and for what I am going.  She said that she could use someone to help update their data base system.  The upside to the utility company is that I could work my way into other departments.   The downside is the drive through the city to get to work AND I would be stuck in this area,  With the school job I would have no traffic to contend with and I could live anywhere in Ohio.  But that is kinda the upside to the computer programming...I could get a job in any area I want.

So there it all is in a nutshell.  I could end up with a good job or stuck at the convenient store.  Only time will tell.  Anyway you look at it, I am setting some plans into motion. 

OH!  Another thing I am doing for me...
After I worked last year to take off weight, I allowed stress and whatever to derail me and I gave in to cravings.  I gained back all but 10 pounds.  I have just recently rededicated myself to the weight loss journey again.  I am keeping my food and exercise journals.   That is really helping.  I am finding that I am learning to actually enjoy my elliptical machine.  There are other exercise machines that I use but that is the newest one.

I need to concentrate on me again. 

The Nephew Experimental Failure

Where shall I start?  I think I should start with the nephew experiment.

Kevin was all happy to come here and so excited with the idea of attending college and doing something different with his life that would be more than either of his brothers.  We built another bedroom in our basement...and it wasn't cheap.  We told ourselves that we would have done it anyway...but we know we wouldn't have done it so soon and we would have taken more time and made the room bigger.  But we wanted him to have his own space and be comfortable.  The whole idea of it started to make me anxious and uncomfortable, as it did my husband and our kids.  Our son, who is a few months older than Kevin, tried to talk us out of it.  Little did we know that we should have listened to him.  He knew Kevin so much better than we did.

It took Kevin a while to find a job...some of it was due to the fact that he wasn't really looking.  He also took a week to go down to Georgia to celebrate his 21st birthday with his brothers.  A week that was soaked in many doses and various kinds of alcohol.  This turned out to be a major theme for him. 

In the meantime, the weather got warm early around here so Kevin would mow the lawn for money.  I took him and bought him nice clothes to wear to interviews...which it turned out he really didn't need considering the job he got...they didn't really care what he wore to an interview.  I ended up buying him a few of the kinds of shirts he needed for his job.  He never paid me back.  That had been the deal. 

I also had taken him to a few colleges for info appts. to talk with counselors, etc.  I think once he got a look at the class schedule and realized he would have to actually do work and study he lost interest.  I am not sure what he had expected.  He also did not like the price and the fact that he would have loans to pay off once he was done.  Again...not sure what he had expected.

He then told me he still was most interested in going into the Air Force but he needed someone to help him study his math a little so that he could pass the entrance exam.  He had failed the math portion the first time he took it.  (I did not realize until later that the test was actually very simple and you have to be fairly dim not to pass...I got that info from my son's friend that is in the Army and he said, "if I could pass it, then anyone should be able to pass it"). 

That all turned out to be a lie, anyway.  He was just buying himself some time.  He had already made up his mind that he was going to move down to Georgia with his brothers so he could party like they did.  He just wanted more time at his job to save up money.

We found out via Troy's step-father  about Kevin's plans.  Kevin's mother (my husband's sister) had already told everyone else in the family what Kevin was going to do.  Kevin had not wanted to leave quite yet...he had not planned on leaving until mid-August.  But once we found out, he packed up his stuff and high tailed it out of here...leaving the BULK of his things sitting in that bedroom.  My husband told him he has until the end of August to clear it out of there or we will get rid of it.  Troy's sister thinks we ran Kevin out of here...I am sure that is the story Kevin gave her. 

Our son is disgusted becuz he, begrudgingly, included Kevin in what he was doing and introduced him to friends, etc.  He did complain about Kevin's drinking.  He leant Kevin money...which, surprisingly Kevin paid most of it back.  Now Kevin won't even talk to him.  Our son says that it isn't like they have anything in common but it is still pretty upsetting considering that he didn't do anything adverse to Kevin. 

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that it bothers me....all of it.  I am bothered by the fact that I felt  sorry for the little puke and brought him into our home and disrupted our lives and spent money on a project when we could have used that money for a weekend trip to Chicago that the kids wanted to do.  All of that when I KNEW what my husband's sister's family is like.  There was a reason why I ignored all of them for the past 2 years...I did not talk to his sister.  I avoided all of them. 

I thought this was something I was supposed to do.  I guess it was a lesson that I had to learn, all right.  I keep having to repeat that same lesson...there just is no helping some ppl...they are what they are and there is no changing them. 

In summation I think Kevin liked the IDEA of having a different life but when faced with it, it was something he would have to change for, also, and it made him uncomfortable.  He was used to working low paying jobs, barely getting by but it is okay as long as he can be drunk and high doing it. 

I will save the 'my job journey' portion for the next blog entry.

Incoherent Pile

So very long since I wrote here.  I need to have a blog to write things down.  I have to work out my thoughts, my feelings, my thoughts about my feelings, my feelings about my thoughts.  Things tend to bother me too much.  I would just like to flit through life with no deep thoughts or feelings about anything.

Too begin with...the 'experiment' with the nephew was a bust.  I got a job...quit it...got another job while awaiting the outcome of final interviews for 2 more jobs.

I know it is all vague but it is really the outline for my next blog post which I will do with these next 2 days.  Right now, it is late, I am tired.  Anything elses I would put on here right now would be a massive blur of incoherent crap.

The Root of All Evil, Part I

Today there was a shooting at a high school in a community not too far from where I grew up.  A community that has always been rather quiet, nothing adverse to report, kind of a place where you might find a family living there with the last name Milquetost .   A high school with a population of non-descript students...Friday Night Lights.  A high school that employed a math teacher and assistant football coach that I had grown up with...who had lived a block down the road from me most of my growing up years....who started elementary school with a speech impediment that kept him from pronouncing his own name correctly until 3rd grade...a guy who would not get on the bus unless I was at the bus stop...a guy that would not participate in the terrible kindergarten partner dances unless I was his partner...a guy that would have a nervous breakdown in 1st grade unless my desk was beside his...who gave me school pictures of himself with hearts drawn on the back for years!  A guy who is married to a wonderful Christian woman who he had 4 kids of their own with and adopted 2 children from China...who leads boy scout activities and children's church.  When I learned of the shooting my first thought was of him...Ron.  I heard that the only ones actually shot were students so I relaxed a little but I put myself in his place and could almost imagine how he felt.  I heard, then, that a coach at the school had chased the shooter down...Ron would have done that.  It wasn't him...but it could so very easily had been.

Since Columbine there have been so very many more such acts of violence at schools across the country.  I was living in Arkansas when the shooting in Jonestown happened...we weren't that far from there.  Then many more and scattered incidents kept happening.  Why?

Malcolm Gladwell wrote about such phenomena in his book "The Tipping Point".  According to Gladwell, some individuals would only THINK about deviant behavior but not act on it UNLESS there is someone out there that acts out in such a way.   Broadcast media plays it up and shows it over and over.  The ones then that have only thought about it up to that point, then start to think about REALLY acting on it until something 'tips' their thinking into action. 

One student that was interviewed by the media outside the school said that the shooter, TJ Lane, had been bullied.   This, of course, will be his defense.  With so many campaigns out there against bullying, the shooter could almost be turned into the victim in this scenario.  He made a mistake...he tweeted about his intentions.  This makes it premeditation.  He will be tried as an adult...5 victims, 2 of them died...so far.

I do not condone bullying of any kind.  In fact, I used to be the one that would step in the middle of such situations to stop it.  Always have.  I hate bullies.  HOWEVER,  there has ALWAYS been bullying as far back as God created man.  That does NOT mean it is okay to kill someone over it.  Granted, at times it seems that bullying now days is worse than in my school days (after all, there is the internet on which these bullies can carry things out there for EVERYONE to see/participate in) but these kids that are being bullied obviously feel that they have no one to turn to for support/help. 

What about the parents?  Do they know what's going on...and if not...WHY not?

I will continue this tomorrow in PART II.