I need to pull out of this. I can't even tell you what 'this' is. I just know every since my daughter's open house, I have been doing the bare minimum. Not even sure if I can claim that.
There is nothing to feel so depressed about. Not even sure I can call it depression. more in like in a holding pattern. It will be fine...as long as I can at least keep the job I have. That job will pay for my car and cell phone and buy the groceries. I hate that I will have to rely on part of his income....nothing against him. It just makes me feel like a failure.
When it comes down to it...I've carried that attitude about myself. Two guys that I graduated from HS with and they graduated from college with teaching degrees just like me...are now retiring from teaching. They put in their 30 years and now they are done. I dropped the ball. And for years I have looked at myself in the mirror and wondered how I got there.
I told my husband that, while I am happy for him getting this job, I am also jealous. He went to college, while I was working, and got out and jobs came easy to him. Of course, he found the right ppl to schmooze...but still. I still don't know where I belong. And at my age (and weight) it is difficult to get a decent paying job.
I need a time machine to go back and start over...from the day I started college. AND I would get to take back the knowledge I have now about the process.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Growing a Life
I am thinking I am going to have a lot more to do. "What television?"
I am already finding myself doing a lot more at church. I told Pastor Brian on Sunday that if he found he needed help with anything, just msg my FB page and let me know what he needs and I will let him know if it is something for which I have time. Got my first msg tonight. The Salvation Army food pantry truck is coming in tomorrow morning and he seems to be short on help. Wednesday is my day off so...I will be helping to stock the food pantry shelves. My daughter is going with me.
Then Saturday he is putting on a kids' carnival in a low income neighborhood. Of course he needs more help. Of course I'll be there. THEN the 3rd Sunday of every month he takes a church van full of food from the food pantry to a very very poor neighborhood in the next town and hands out food. This Sunday is the 3rd Sunday of the month...and he needs help. Again...there I'll be. (btw...he's not that much older than my son...so don't be thinking in that direction. He is young...geekie and has the most wonderful, humorous wife!)
I find it quite interesting sometimes that no matter how many people there are in a church, there are always a small core of volunteers. In the church I attend, there are people that will pick up the slack for various things. It just seems that Brian has a lot of projects going that the people are finding a difficult time keeping up with. When Pastor Brad is trying to put together a volunteer rescue group, there is always enough people for that sort of thing. I don't travel. Not even to New Orleans.
I filled out and sent 2 applications tonight for full time jobs. One of the jobs I applied for just to get full time work NOT where I am now and it is closer to home. But it is not a job that I will be dancing on the cloud happy with. The other job is something more exciting..I would have to drive further to work than I do now but it would be worth it! AND the latter job would pay me enough to take care of ALL the financial obligations here by myself. I could relax.
Troy seems to have found himself the perfect apartment...on a golf course. Golf games are free. It also has a pool, game room (pool table), clubhouse, and a washer/dryer in the apartment. It is actually affordable.
So, he may have a pretty good time on his own
It's all in what you want out of life. I kinda like it where I am. I will grow a new life.
I am already finding myself doing a lot more at church. I told Pastor Brian on Sunday that if he found he needed help with anything, just msg my FB page and let me know what he needs and I will let him know if it is something for which I have time. Got my first msg tonight. The Salvation Army food pantry truck is coming in tomorrow morning and he seems to be short on help. Wednesday is my day off so...I will be helping to stock the food pantry shelves. My daughter is going with me.
Then Saturday he is putting on a kids' carnival in a low income neighborhood. Of course he needs more help. Of course I'll be there. THEN the 3rd Sunday of every month he takes a church van full of food from the food pantry to a very very poor neighborhood in the next town and hands out food. This Sunday is the 3rd Sunday of the month...and he needs help. Again...there I'll be. (btw...he's not that much older than my son...so don't be thinking in that direction. He is young...geekie and has the most wonderful, humorous wife!)
I find it quite interesting sometimes that no matter how many people there are in a church, there are always a small core of volunteers. In the church I attend, there are people that will pick up the slack for various things. It just seems that Brian has a lot of projects going that the people are finding a difficult time keeping up with. When Pastor Brad is trying to put together a volunteer rescue group, there is always enough people for that sort of thing. I don't travel. Not even to New Orleans.
I filled out and sent 2 applications tonight for full time jobs. One of the jobs I applied for just to get full time work NOT where I am now and it is closer to home. But it is not a job that I will be dancing on the cloud happy with. The other job is something more exciting..I would have to drive further to work than I do now but it would be worth it! AND the latter job would pay me enough to take care of ALL the financial obligations here by myself. I could relax.
Troy seems to have found himself the perfect apartment...on a golf course. Golf games are free. It also has a pool, game room (pool table), clubhouse, and a washer/dryer in the apartment. It is actually affordable.
So, he may have a pretty good time on his own
It's all in what you want out of life. I kinda like it where I am. I will grow a new life.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Whine...Not Just for Drinking
Just when I think that I might actually miss the spouse when he leaves for Wichita...then he acts like HIM.
I got up at 5:30 (cuz that's when his alarm goes off and he's in the shower) and packed his lunch...that included making a fruit salad. I made the coffee. He grabbed it and left. I then packed MY lunch, got a shower, ate some breakfast, fed the dogs, then drove through the pouring rain and traffic to my own job...where I had to listen to phone call after phone call of nasty, crazy ppl calling me everything but green...drive home in the backed up traffic...only to have him get home slightly after me and complain that he had to help make dinner AND complain that he had to eat his fruit salad with a spoon because I didn't pack a fork.
wah. AND then he wanted to argue with everyone at the dinner table because none of us know anything...he's the all knowing.
yeah...good times. good times.
The only thing I'm really freaking out about is what the financial situation is going to be like.
I keep sending out resume's and applications; praying that something good happens.
This is me...being brief about it because I really don't want to think/talk about any of it much. I am just trying not to think about too far ahead because if I do I'll FREAK. I have lots of offers of 'call me if you need to talk' and some of them are really insistant on wanting to talk to me about it...and I don't want to.
I have also had lots of 'offers' of extra rooms for me to come and visit with them in various parts of the country. HELLO! I have a job. No one has THAT much vacation time!
I got up at 5:30 (cuz that's when his alarm goes off and he's in the shower) and packed his lunch...that included making a fruit salad. I made the coffee. He grabbed it and left. I then packed MY lunch, got a shower, ate some breakfast, fed the dogs, then drove through the pouring rain and traffic to my own job...where I had to listen to phone call after phone call of nasty, crazy ppl calling me everything but green...drive home in the backed up traffic...only to have him get home slightly after me and complain that he had to help make dinner AND complain that he had to eat his fruit salad with a spoon because I didn't pack a fork.
wah. AND then he wanted to argue with everyone at the dinner table because none of us know anything...he's the all knowing.
yeah...good times. good times.
The only thing I'm really freaking out about is what the financial situation is going to be like.
I keep sending out resume's and applications; praying that something good happens.
This is me...being brief about it because I really don't want to think/talk about any of it much. I am just trying not to think about too far ahead because if I do I'll FREAK. I have lots of offers of 'call me if you need to talk' and some of them are really insistant on wanting to talk to me about it...and I don't want to.
I have also had lots of 'offers' of extra rooms for me to come and visit with them in various parts of the country. HELLO! I have a job. No one has THAT much vacation time!
Friday, June 7, 2013
24 Years
The end of July will be 24 years of marriage. 24 years. If I sit and fathom the time...look back over what we have been through...really remember what our marriage has been like, it is hard. It is painful. I don't place all the blame on him. I obviously did not know how to be married, either. His approach to the marriage was more like he could still do what he wanted to, when he wanted to, and the big part about being married was helping to support a wife and a family. Once he earned a paycheck and deposited it into the bank, he'd done his duty.
He is who he is and I am who I am. I deal with ppl as individuals, not a lump sum. He does not understand anyone thinking/acting any differently than he. I understand that everyone is different, can handle different things, struggle through other things. It is why we have scientists and football players. Not everyone can be a teacher. Not everyone can be a soccer player. Not everyone can be the President of the United States..successfully...as demonstrated by Barack Obama. (yes, I went there...my opinion...just a little levity).
For instance, my son's first job was a bust. He got a job with Kohl's working in the back room as an unloader. He was too slow for them. So he tried stocking shelves. He was still too slow for them. It was a stress for him...so he quit. He eventually found another job and he stuck with it for quite a while until he got the part time job that pays for his gas to get back and forth to class and for the occassional date.
Bethany started a job with McD's. It is the busiest fastfood place in our town. It caused her panic attacks. So I told her it is up to her if she stays or not but the trainer might be more appreciative if she quits during training so she isn't wasting her time. And the trainer WAS appreciative...thanked Bethany for coming in when she did and being honest. She also asked Bethany if there was something she could do to make things better for her. Bethany thanked her for asking but no.
There are other jobs out there that my daughter can do that won't cause panic attacks. She is a good kid and is not lazy. She is filling out more applications for jobs that are a better fit for her. Troy is angry with me. That I 'allowed' her to quit. Frankly, I really don't understand the idea of putting someone through the torture of sticking with a job that is causing them such problems...especially when they don't HAVE to have that job. I don't dare point out to him that he had a job that caused him major stress and anxiety not so long ago and he dealt with it by smoking crack, getting fired, and leaving his family.
Perhaps him going off to Wichita will be a good thing. I am just afraid that I will like it too much not having to deal with him everyday.
I must admit, I will miss having another adult my age in the house. Someone to hang out with now and then...interact with. I need a friend close by. It's weird that I don't have one of those...a friend close by. My closest friend, Jackie, is on the other side of the state. I suppose I should get to be more involved with the Women's Ministry group at church. They hang out and do things. I used to be part of it but I quit when it got to a point where they were doing a lot of baby/wedding shower planning. I hate that stuff. But, I guess, take the boring with the interesting.
He is who he is and I am who I am. I deal with ppl as individuals, not a lump sum. He does not understand anyone thinking/acting any differently than he. I understand that everyone is different, can handle different things, struggle through other things. It is why we have scientists and football players. Not everyone can be a teacher. Not everyone can be a soccer player. Not everyone can be the President of the United States..successfully...as demonstrated by Barack Obama. (yes, I went there...my opinion...just a little levity).
For instance, my son's first job was a bust. He got a job with Kohl's working in the back room as an unloader. He was too slow for them. So he tried stocking shelves. He was still too slow for them. It was a stress for him...so he quit. He eventually found another job and he stuck with it for quite a while until he got the part time job that pays for his gas to get back and forth to class and for the occassional date.
Bethany started a job with McD's. It is the busiest fastfood place in our town. It caused her panic attacks. So I told her it is up to her if she stays or not but the trainer might be more appreciative if she quits during training so she isn't wasting her time. And the trainer WAS appreciative...thanked Bethany for coming in when she did and being honest. She also asked Bethany if there was something she could do to make things better for her. Bethany thanked her for asking but no.
There are other jobs out there that my daughter can do that won't cause panic attacks. She is a good kid and is not lazy. She is filling out more applications for jobs that are a better fit for her. Troy is angry with me. That I 'allowed' her to quit. Frankly, I really don't understand the idea of putting someone through the torture of sticking with a job that is causing them such problems...especially when they don't HAVE to have that job. I don't dare point out to him that he had a job that caused him major stress and anxiety not so long ago and he dealt with it by smoking crack, getting fired, and leaving his family.
Perhaps him going off to Wichita will be a good thing. I am just afraid that I will like it too much not having to deal with him everyday.
I must admit, I will miss having another adult my age in the house. Someone to hang out with now and then...interact with. I need a friend close by. It's weird that I don't have one of those...a friend close by. My closest friend, Jackie, is on the other side of the state. I suppose I should get to be more involved with the Women's Ministry group at church. They hang out and do things. I used to be part of it but I quit when it got to a point where they were doing a lot of baby/wedding shower planning. I hate that stuff. But, I guess, take the boring with the interesting.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
One of my favorite movies...don't know why. And one of my favorite bands is/was the Gin Blossoms. One of their songs was played during the scene where he was chasing her down...she was in a cab leaving the city to go to the east coast, he was on a motorcycle trying to stop her. The song was "Follow You Down".
That song reminds me of my life with Troy since he got out of school. AND I think I jinxed my life by putting what I did in my last post about him waiting to hear from Wichita about the job. They called this evening and offered him the job. But they are still dickering about $.
The problem is...I'm happy for him but I'm not happy in general. We have gone through SO MUCH...and I've put up with a lot from his misbehavior. I have prayed SO HARD for God to work things out so that there would not be another upheaval involved. Guess God had other ideas.
I have had faith...followed....and listened. Done things contrary to how I wanted to do them or did not do things I felt like doing all because God directed me differently. I have not understood most of it. Are we supposed to?
God has blessed us in many ways and in many ways life has been a challenge. I thank Hiim for His blessings and cry to Him in times of challenge and trouble. This is one of those times when the human in me is angry.
Life with Troy has never been easy. He has gone his own way according to what he felt like doing so many times. He gets no points for not actually abandoning his family. He abandoned us in other ways. Sure, he worked to keep a roof over our heads. but he didn't work to get to know us or take much of an interest. He only wanted things his way and let us know constantly.
I am not sure how all of these changes are going to work out. I just know there is going to be major change. Troy is not happy that I am not thrilled with the changes. He is mad at me for being unhappy about it. Tough. I have supported him in more ways than some women would. I am at a point in my life where I should be ALLOWED to express my true feelings.
Go off to Wichita, Troy. Enjoy that job...climb the ladder. I will be here with the kids as they get through college and start their first jobs. I wish you well. I will do what I can to support myself and the 3 dogs. I hate to lose this house I've put so much work into..but what will be will be.
That song reminds me of my life with Troy since he got out of school. AND I think I jinxed my life by putting what I did in my last post about him waiting to hear from Wichita about the job. They called this evening and offered him the job. But they are still dickering about $.
The problem is...I'm happy for him but I'm not happy in general. We have gone through SO MUCH...and I've put up with a lot from his misbehavior. I have prayed SO HARD for God to work things out so that there would not be another upheaval involved. Guess God had other ideas.
I have had faith...followed....and listened. Done things contrary to how I wanted to do them or did not do things I felt like doing all because God directed me differently. I have not understood most of it. Are we supposed to?
God has blessed us in many ways and in many ways life has been a challenge. I thank Hiim for His blessings and cry to Him in times of challenge and trouble. This is one of those times when the human in me is angry.
Life with Troy has never been easy. He has gone his own way according to what he felt like doing so many times. He gets no points for not actually abandoning his family. He abandoned us in other ways. Sure, he worked to keep a roof over our heads. but he didn't work to get to know us or take much of an interest. He only wanted things his way and let us know constantly.
I am not sure how all of these changes are going to work out. I just know there is going to be major change. Troy is not happy that I am not thrilled with the changes. He is mad at me for being unhappy about it. Tough. I have supported him in more ways than some women would. I am at a point in my life where I should be ALLOWED to express my true feelings.
Go off to Wichita, Troy. Enjoy that job...climb the ladder. I will be here with the kids as they get through college and start their first jobs. I wish you well. I will do what I can to support myself and the 3 dogs. I hate to lose this house I've put so much work into..but what will be will be.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Fibber My Algae
The weather today is the most perfect weather to have the day off! I can sit in my sunroom and enjoy it! Last year the weather was too unpleasantly hot from end of April through to fall to sit out here. I open a few windows, turn on the overhead fan to circulate the already lovely cool breeze throughout. The dogs love it out here too. They run outside for a while, then come in and lay here and cool off...then back outside. Nice to see them out there running off the winter fat. I know...I should too. but I don't run. ever. If someone tried to chase me with a knife...I'd probably just find something to fling at their head rather than run.
After all of that work on the house, yard, the open house...overly emotional for my daughter's graduation...by Sunday night I was physically ill. It actually started Friday...the over all pain...the foggy brain. It was hell in a jar at work Friday. I just could not cut through the fog to think! and the pain made me want to cry. I have NEVER had an 'episode' with my fibromyalgia like this. It is the worst and longest one ever. I need some 5 hour energy. The massive amount of B vitamins in that opens up the blood vessels and the stronger surge of blood flow seems to quell the pain somewhat. Troy gave me permission to use my day off from work to do nothing. HA!
So far the only thing I've done is some applications. And that was easy...sat in the chair while watching the morning news and clicked and sent. LOL! I have a cousin that would not hold a job because she said her fibromyalgia made it too hard. The worst thing you can do with this affliction is NOTHING. I refuse to give it control of my life...or take it away from me. Advil and 5 hour energy are my friends when it gets too bad.
As for the open house...we ran out of a lot of food. It was only an hour into it and the seafood cups I made and the pulled pork we brought, and the pasta salad I made were goners. The lettuce salad was almost gone. Pam still had lots of sliders and hotdogs left. I was so glad I brought a meat and cheese tray! We also had plenty of potato salad. My mother had baked at least 60 dozen cookies. by the time the thing was over, we might have had 2 1/2 dozen left. We have plenty of cake, though. They just weren't cake eaters I guess. My punch was drained in less than an hour. We had lots of iced tea and lemonade. Pam had not wanted the punch.
Lots of ppl! Some of my family that came saw our home for the first time. We have lived here almost 5 years and this is the first time that my brother and oldest sister have been here. Probably the last time, too.
It was just nice to have everyone together.
My SIL was being her usual bratty self. I just ignored her. I let Troy deal with her. His sister.
I cried through most of Bethany's graduation. My baby...last one. And today she is experiencing her first day of work. McDonald's. Where else can a 17 year old get job experience? LOL As of next Friday, she is on her own as far as putting gas in her car. I haven't had to put gas in it too many times, though. She mainly sticks close to home and the thing is gentle on gas use. She will also be on her own as far as her wardrobe. There's a big savings right there!
Troy is still waiting on word from Wichita. I told him that if a company has the opening, and they are taking so very long to fill it AND they are expanding, it just may be that they are doing some adding on and reshuffeling of personnel. He may get a job with them in a whole new position that they added on. Or...not. But from what I remember from HR classes, in an expanding company, it means they are reorganizing.
In the meantime, he is submitting other applications.
Who knows where it all will lead?
After all of that work on the house, yard, the open house...overly emotional for my daughter's graduation...by Sunday night I was physically ill. It actually started Friday...the over all pain...the foggy brain. It was hell in a jar at work Friday. I just could not cut through the fog to think! and the pain made me want to cry. I have NEVER had an 'episode' with my fibromyalgia like this. It is the worst and longest one ever. I need some 5 hour energy. The massive amount of B vitamins in that opens up the blood vessels and the stronger surge of blood flow seems to quell the pain somewhat. Troy gave me permission to use my day off from work to do nothing. HA!
So far the only thing I've done is some applications. And that was easy...sat in the chair while watching the morning news and clicked and sent. LOL! I have a cousin that would not hold a job because she said her fibromyalgia made it too hard. The worst thing you can do with this affliction is NOTHING. I refuse to give it control of my life...or take it away from me. Advil and 5 hour energy are my friends when it gets too bad.
As for the open house...we ran out of a lot of food. It was only an hour into it and the seafood cups I made and the pulled pork we brought, and the pasta salad I made were goners. The lettuce salad was almost gone. Pam still had lots of sliders and hotdogs left. I was so glad I brought a meat and cheese tray! We also had plenty of potato salad. My mother had baked at least 60 dozen cookies. by the time the thing was over, we might have had 2 1/2 dozen left. We have plenty of cake, though. They just weren't cake eaters I guess. My punch was drained in less than an hour. We had lots of iced tea and lemonade. Pam had not wanted the punch.
Lots of ppl! Some of my family that came saw our home for the first time. We have lived here almost 5 years and this is the first time that my brother and oldest sister have been here. Probably the last time, too.
It was just nice to have everyone together.
My SIL was being her usual bratty self. I just ignored her. I let Troy deal with her. His sister.
I cried through most of Bethany's graduation. My baby...last one. And today she is experiencing her first day of work. McDonald's. Where else can a 17 year old get job experience? LOL As of next Friday, she is on her own as far as putting gas in her car. I haven't had to put gas in it too many times, though. She mainly sticks close to home and the thing is gentle on gas use. She will also be on her own as far as her wardrobe. There's a big savings right there!
Troy is still waiting on word from Wichita. I told him that if a company has the opening, and they are taking so very long to fill it AND they are expanding, it just may be that they are doing some adding on and reshuffeling of personnel. He may get a job with them in a whole new position that they added on. Or...not. But from what I remember from HR classes, in an expanding company, it means they are reorganizing.
In the meantime, he is submitting other applications.
Who knows where it all will lead?
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