Troy has had some job offers...Afghanistan, Indianapolis, Delaware. There is also an opening for a 9 month contract for the UK.
My classes have started. My husband can help me with one, my son can help me with another, the other two should be easy enough. The one class is Ethics...a psych class. Right up my alley (sarcasm dripping).
The first chapter of that book DID raise an interesting personal question...are my ethical boundaries there becuz of my religious beliefs or would they be there regardless? If I had not been raised with the christian base that I have, would I still make the ethical choices I make? I must admit that I have my christian beliefs inspite of others around me that said one thing and lived another way.
Speaking of ethics...that leads to one of my pet peeves: ppl that do not take responsibility for their own actions. I totally believe that if you are going to dance you gotta pay the band. And that 'girl' that sits behind me in training is seriously getting on my last nerve.
She was whining this morning about some speeding ticket that she got...she didn't MEAN to speed! She was following someone else and when the cop pulled THEM over, he took off while she got the ticket! Then she said she told her friend that her birthday cost HER $150 (she was on her way to her friend's for her friend's b-day). I just looked at her and said, 'No, her birthday did not cost you $150...your speeding cost you $150." She whined, "But I didn't MEAN to speed. I was just following that guy."
"but YOU were driving your car and YOU were not paying attention to YOUR speedometer." She just gave me a poutie stare and then said, "well, it's still her fault cuz she was born on that day." wow.
BONUS! She was so upset with me for scolding her, she SHUT UP for 2 whole wonderful hours! She talks incessantly...AND she SQUEAKS when she laughs. She looks like Taylor Swift so she sits behind me and sings. She doesn't sound like Taylor Swift. She sells Mary Kay.
LOL! It takes all kinds to make the earth go round. And my world sure does know how to go around!
Stay tuned...no one knows where things will be in another month...
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Dull Point
Seems like it has been months since I went on that trip with my parents and sisters. And I haven't had time to finish my blog entries about it. I also have only had time to edit the pictures from the first day of the trip.
This last week was good. I like my job...I like the ppl in my training team. It took me a while, believe it or not, before I started joking with everyone. I think it was day 3 in the afternoon before I made my first joke. The phone rang at the back of the room and the trainer answered it and when she hung up she said, "They (?) said you all had to get your drug screening done. I am pretty sure you had that done before you even got to this point, right?" Everyone said, "Yes!" and I said, very emphatically, "And boy was I sweatin' that!" She looked up startled, I smiled, she laughed then everyone else laughed and someone said, "Yeah, like you look the part!" and the trainer said, "Those are the ones you have to watch!"
I have sprinkled a few jokes here and there but not much. Usually I do it in the afternoon when I am tired and silly.
Troy started out the week being all gung ho...cooking, a little cleaning (and I do mean LITTLE). But by tonight he quit. I put some pizzas in the oven after work.
All I know is I have tried to be patient and understanding but if he doesn't get a job or a hobby soon I am going to find my own place to live. I know this is difficult for him but he is getting a taste of what my life was like for the past I don't know how many years staying at home. He complains about EVERYTHING! He had to wipe crumbs off the counter...someone left a water bottle sitting on a lamp stand...the dogs have to be let in and out a bazillion times a day...blah blah. He meets me at the door and starts right in...and he just goes on and on...and on and on. It took me 2 hours the other night to watch an hour show becuz I had to keep hitting the pause button cuz he wouldn't shut up so I could hear it! And when it wasn't him it was my daughter. The only reason it hasn't been TJ is becuz he has been working at night and doesn't get home until an hour before I go to bed. By then he isn't much interested in talking, either.
I never realized just how much Troy DOES talk and complain cuz he never hung around the house much. And days when he wasn't traveling and he was home, he slept a lot.
I called him today during my lunch hour and he said, "I could go to Afghanistan." He was offered a temporary gig there. The day before it was a job with Panasonic to go to Jamaica. I am thinking he is just wanting to run away as far as he can. When he mentioned the Afghanistan thing I said, "And what then is the point of us being married?" I got no reply. WHATever.
All I know is, I made it thru one week of training. And they have stretched it to be 5 weeks. I start my college classes this weekend. We also found out that after 5 weeks of training, we will be working our part time hours for about 6-8 weeks then we will be doing 4 more weeks of full time training. Not sure how this semester of school is going to go with having to do both of these things...it will be interesting.
This last week was good. I like my job...I like the ppl in my training team. It took me a while, believe it or not, before I started joking with everyone. I think it was day 3 in the afternoon before I made my first joke. The phone rang at the back of the room and the trainer answered it and when she hung up she said, "They (?) said you all had to get your drug screening done. I am pretty sure you had that done before you even got to this point, right?" Everyone said, "Yes!" and I said, very emphatically, "And boy was I sweatin' that!" She looked up startled, I smiled, she laughed then everyone else laughed and someone said, "Yeah, like you look the part!" and the trainer said, "Those are the ones you have to watch!"
I have sprinkled a few jokes here and there but not much. Usually I do it in the afternoon when I am tired and silly.
Troy started out the week being all gung ho...cooking, a little cleaning (and I do mean LITTLE). But by tonight he quit. I put some pizzas in the oven after work.
All I know is I have tried to be patient and understanding but if he doesn't get a job or a hobby soon I am going to find my own place to live. I know this is difficult for him but he is getting a taste of what my life was like for the past I don't know how many years staying at home. He complains about EVERYTHING! He had to wipe crumbs off the counter...someone left a water bottle sitting on a lamp stand...the dogs have to be let in and out a bazillion times a day...blah blah. He meets me at the door and starts right in...and he just goes on and on...and on and on. It took me 2 hours the other night to watch an hour show becuz I had to keep hitting the pause button cuz he wouldn't shut up so I could hear it! And when it wasn't him it was my daughter. The only reason it hasn't been TJ is becuz he has been working at night and doesn't get home until an hour before I go to bed. By then he isn't much interested in talking, either.
I never realized just how much Troy DOES talk and complain cuz he never hung around the house much. And days when he wasn't traveling and he was home, he slept a lot.
I called him today during my lunch hour and he said, "I could go to Afghanistan." He was offered a temporary gig there. The day before it was a job with Panasonic to go to Jamaica. I am thinking he is just wanting to run away as far as he can. When he mentioned the Afghanistan thing I said, "And what then is the point of us being married?" I got no reply. WHATever.
All I know is, I made it thru one week of training. And they have stretched it to be 5 weeks. I start my college classes this weekend. We also found out that after 5 weeks of training, we will be working our part time hours for about 6-8 weeks then we will be doing 4 more weeks of full time training. Not sure how this semester of school is going to go with having to do both of these things...it will be interesting.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Toxins
I have not gotten to downloading pictures, yet. There was too much 'real life' that I left behind when I went on the trip and it was all waiting for me as soon as I got back.
It was a good thing, really, that I had the week to be gone. My husband needed time to decompress and wrestle with things. He said it would be better if I wasn't around cuz he would just drive us both nuts. The kids basically stayed out of his way. They are good at hiding. I hardly ever see them. Troy says, "I know they live here, that they are down in those bedrooms cuz food and drinks keep disappearing from the kitchen." I also do an awful lot of laundry that doesn't belong to either Troy or me! LOL
I turned in my shirt and name tag at the convenience store today. Aaron said I could continue to work weekends there if I want but he wanted a commitment of time from me. I told him that, in all fairness, I could not really do that. I had thought it through and, even though my mother and Troy had told me I probably should table the whole school thing and try to get in fulltime at DP&L, I had decided that I was NOT going to give up the college classes and, if given an opportunity to work fulltime at DP&L I would not turn it down either. I do believe the college classes will be the pivotal point in me getting a good paying job...one that will be able to support me in a decent manner. AND given all of that, I really didn't see how I could work 7 days a week and still do my classes justice. Something was going to have to give. I shook Aaron's hand, thanked him for the job and making it so enjoyable.
As for Troy, I understand what he's going through. It was totally shitty. He has fessed up to other things that I already knew. I feel like saying, "You walk around here telling everyone else what they are doing wrong, how they should do it and what is wrong with them BUT you never hold yourself to the same standard!" but I won't go there. It will not help the situation and there are so many things wrong now that it would serve no purpose to throw more crap on the pile.
He said it is time he grows up. To that I could only think "Amen" In his mind supporting your family meant you were a grown up. While that is most admirable, it is only one piece of the pie. I have had my immature/ill conceived moments myself. I could give excuses for it but none of that matters. In the end, stupid is stupid...no matter what the reasons or excuses.
I spent the night before we left on the trip sleeping in my old room at my parents...but not sleeping. I allowed myself a moment to take it all in, and cry. Then I was done. I cannot afford to think about any of it and panic. If I feel myself starting to get panicked I pray. And I calm down. God will take care of it and in whatever fashion He feels best for whatever reasons, we will hang on and ride it out and it will work.
This time, however, I feel like it will be a make it or break it moment for this family. The kids are grown, Bethany is graduating this year, and I could find a way to take care of myself and the dogs and help the kids find their way. We have discussed options about their further education.
It is not Troy being out of work...it is how he handles being out of work. I simply cannot keep following him around kicking his butt and making sure he stays on the right track and not go off on a self-destructive field trip again. As I said in a previous post, he has always been somewhat disconnected from us anyway. He has always done his own thing off in his own corner and every once in a while he will look over and say, "oh yeah...you guys....what's going on with you?" It took him the first 10 years of our daughter's life before he could remember when her birthday is.
If he wants to know where I am working starting next week, he can ask our neighbor Derek, since he and I will be working at the same place. I would try to conserve gas and do my part for the carbon foot print but I won't ride to work with Derek. Troy says he thinks Derek has a thing for me...I disagree but since Troy thinks that and I get the idea that Derek's wife Barb thinks that...Derek and I riding in the same vehicle to and from work every day is a big NO!
All I know is this week I have to concentrate and getting our daughter ready for school (she starts the day after I start my new job...and she will graduate in May!) and getting Troy set up with an updated resume, a LinkedIn acct, and off and running with his job hunt. I know he dreads it...who likes it? but he needs to start moving forward. The longer you wallow the harder it is to get up. I know this by personal experience.
I also have the shutters to finish and get hung along with the paint on the garage door. There is a little gardening to do (weed patrol) but that is pretty much good.
We got new neighbors across the road in Corky and Becky's house. They have a toddler, a baby, and another one on the way plus 2 boxers. Good thing that house has 4 bedrooms! AND the evil neighbors behind us had a moving truck backed up there. Troy got all excited but I told him I was sure it was just her parents moving out. They moved in with them last year at this time for some reason and now they have moved back out.
Also, while I was away, I was in constant txt contact with TJ. He was undergoing tests becuz he was slightly jaundiced looking and he was having constant stomach pains so bad that he could hardly eat anything. He had dropped another 5 pounds in 2 weeks and he his jean shorts were falling off (he always wore them to fit...not that bagging trend). Blood tests and scans. Today they finally got back to him and said his blood work was all good but his scan showed what they thought was one of two things: 1) bowel blockages, OR 2) kidney stones. considering his symptoms they are more inclined to think it is the first one. I tend to agree. His liver is slightly enlarged becuz of all the toxins it is having to deal with becuz of the blockages. They are going to try dosing him with miralax and stool softeners first to see if it dislodges it. I know it SOUNDS funny for anyone reading this but it is painful and poisonous to the system. He had this happen many years ago right after his dad went off the deep end and then came crawling back home asking for my help. Then TJ's health took a turn for the worse like this. He ended up having to have his appendicts removed, too, becuz they got enflamed from all the toxins. We are not sure how this happens...what is causing it. But if they can't get things cleared up quickly he may have to have surgery. I told him he really needs to quit drinking so much soda. Perhaps the amount of sodium he takes in from that is making it worse. I don't know...I'm grasping at straws.
I just know that it always seems when things go horribly wrong for/with my husband, TJ's health takes a down turn. I never have just one thing to deal with at a time.
And now...
It was a good thing, really, that I had the week to be gone. My husband needed time to decompress and wrestle with things. He said it would be better if I wasn't around cuz he would just drive us both nuts. The kids basically stayed out of his way. They are good at hiding. I hardly ever see them. Troy says, "I know they live here, that they are down in those bedrooms cuz food and drinks keep disappearing from the kitchen." I also do an awful lot of laundry that doesn't belong to either Troy or me! LOL
I turned in my shirt and name tag at the convenience store today. Aaron said I could continue to work weekends there if I want but he wanted a commitment of time from me. I told him that, in all fairness, I could not really do that. I had thought it through and, even though my mother and Troy had told me I probably should table the whole school thing and try to get in fulltime at DP&L, I had decided that I was NOT going to give up the college classes and, if given an opportunity to work fulltime at DP&L I would not turn it down either. I do believe the college classes will be the pivotal point in me getting a good paying job...one that will be able to support me in a decent manner. AND given all of that, I really didn't see how I could work 7 days a week and still do my classes justice. Something was going to have to give. I shook Aaron's hand, thanked him for the job and making it so enjoyable.
As for Troy, I understand what he's going through. It was totally shitty. He has fessed up to other things that I already knew. I feel like saying, "You walk around here telling everyone else what they are doing wrong, how they should do it and what is wrong with them BUT you never hold yourself to the same standard!" but I won't go there. It will not help the situation and there are so many things wrong now that it would serve no purpose to throw more crap on the pile.
He said it is time he grows up. To that I could only think "Amen" In his mind supporting your family meant you were a grown up. While that is most admirable, it is only one piece of the pie. I have had my immature/ill conceived moments myself. I could give excuses for it but none of that matters. In the end, stupid is stupid...no matter what the reasons or excuses.
I spent the night before we left on the trip sleeping in my old room at my parents...but not sleeping. I allowed myself a moment to take it all in, and cry. Then I was done. I cannot afford to think about any of it and panic. If I feel myself starting to get panicked I pray. And I calm down. God will take care of it and in whatever fashion He feels best for whatever reasons, we will hang on and ride it out and it will work.
This time, however, I feel like it will be a make it or break it moment for this family. The kids are grown, Bethany is graduating this year, and I could find a way to take care of myself and the dogs and help the kids find their way. We have discussed options about their further education.
It is not Troy being out of work...it is how he handles being out of work. I simply cannot keep following him around kicking his butt and making sure he stays on the right track and not go off on a self-destructive field trip again. As I said in a previous post, he has always been somewhat disconnected from us anyway. He has always done his own thing off in his own corner and every once in a while he will look over and say, "oh yeah...you guys....what's going on with you?" It took him the first 10 years of our daughter's life before he could remember when her birthday is.
If he wants to know where I am working starting next week, he can ask our neighbor Derek, since he and I will be working at the same place. I would try to conserve gas and do my part for the carbon foot print but I won't ride to work with Derek. Troy says he thinks Derek has a thing for me...I disagree but since Troy thinks that and I get the idea that Derek's wife Barb thinks that...Derek and I riding in the same vehicle to and from work every day is a big NO!
All I know is this week I have to concentrate and getting our daughter ready for school (she starts the day after I start my new job...and she will graduate in May!) and getting Troy set up with an updated resume, a LinkedIn acct, and off and running with his job hunt. I know he dreads it...who likes it? but he needs to start moving forward. The longer you wallow the harder it is to get up. I know this by personal experience.
I also have the shutters to finish and get hung along with the paint on the garage door. There is a little gardening to do (weed patrol) but that is pretty much good.
We got new neighbors across the road in Corky and Becky's house. They have a toddler, a baby, and another one on the way plus 2 boxers. Good thing that house has 4 bedrooms! AND the evil neighbors behind us had a moving truck backed up there. Troy got all excited but I told him I was sure it was just her parents moving out. They moved in with them last year at this time for some reason and now they have moved back out.
Also, while I was away, I was in constant txt contact with TJ. He was undergoing tests becuz he was slightly jaundiced looking and he was having constant stomach pains so bad that he could hardly eat anything. He had dropped another 5 pounds in 2 weeks and he his jean shorts were falling off (he always wore them to fit...not that bagging trend). Blood tests and scans. Today they finally got back to him and said his blood work was all good but his scan showed what they thought was one of two things: 1) bowel blockages, OR 2) kidney stones. considering his symptoms they are more inclined to think it is the first one. I tend to agree. His liver is slightly enlarged becuz of all the toxins it is having to deal with becuz of the blockages. They are going to try dosing him with miralax and stool softeners first to see if it dislodges it. I know it SOUNDS funny for anyone reading this but it is painful and poisonous to the system. He had this happen many years ago right after his dad went off the deep end and then came crawling back home asking for my help. Then TJ's health took a turn for the worse like this. He ended up having to have his appendicts removed, too, becuz they got enflamed from all the toxins. We are not sure how this happens...what is causing it. But if they can't get things cleared up quickly he may have to have surgery. I told him he really needs to quit drinking so much soda. Perhaps the amount of sodium he takes in from that is making it worse. I don't know...I'm grasping at straws.
I just know that it always seems when things go horribly wrong for/with my husband, TJ's health takes a down turn. I never have just one thing to deal with at a time.
And now...
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Tour of Tears
I made it. Gone since last Monday. Whirlwind bus tour trip with my parents and sisters. I think it was really tough on my parents at their age...especially my dad. He was looking pretty well worn down by the time we got home. Mom says he has been moving slower and spending more time reading...although he has that old corvette he bought to restore that he has put some time in puttering on. He is 78 and my mom is 77. They really didn't look their age compared to some of those ppl that were the same age that came on the trip.
The trip was called "The Freedom Tour". It was hosted by a pastor by the name of Randy Keeling. His family used to tour around the country doing christian music concerts. They recorded several CD's and sold them. Their concerts grew and grew in audience number as word of mouth traveled.
(http://www.thekeelings.org/about_us.php) Randy wanted to do a tour of 9-11 memorials with a few places of the origins of this country thrown in for more perspective.
Randy is really a great guy. He LOVES to talk and he really cares about people. He is the same age as my husband and he also shares a similar journey with my husband...going off the deep end into drugs and leaving his family, only to return and be saved by the sheer grace of prayer.
Our first stop was in Shanksville at the Flight 93 Memorial. The black wall that ran the length of the edge of the debris field was long. Along the way was little indentations where ppl had left coins, flowers, and personal items (such as bracelets, canes, stuffed animals, hats) in homage to those that had sacrificed in their fight against the terrorists. It was a long walk...and I left quarters face down so that they would display "In God We Trust". I cried all along the way...and with tears streaming down my face, I traced the names engraved on each of the marble panels that memorialized the passengers. One marble panel for each one that died. I stopped in front of the one that bore the name of Deora Bodley...a 20 year old college student. She's older than my daughter, younger than my son. The tears streamed down my face uncontrollably as I tried to imagine what it might have been like for her parents. I could almost feel the all consuming pain.
Our next stop was not until Washington, DC. We took a night tour of the Memorials and monuments: Lincoln, Jefferson, World War II, Vietnam War, and Korean Conflict. We stood and gazed upon the Washington Monument from the site of the WWII Memorial. I took pictures of them all...the Wall of Ghosts, the Vietnam Wall of names and I stood in silence as I toured the WWII Memorial from one end to the other. Such a magnificent site! The soldiers moving through the 'rice field' at the Korean Memorial was truly a thing to behold.
My youngest sister and I walked up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to stand at the feet of Lincoln, we ALL climbed the stairs of the Jefferson Memorial to read the words etched in the walls of the building surrounding his statue.
The next morning we made our way to the Pentagon where we had received security clearance for an inside tour. I stood in dumbfounded disbelief when we were shown where the jet had come in and how far of a path of destruction it made and I, again, teared up when I read the names of all that had been killed. I cried as I walked through the Memorial that had been made outside the Pentagon. It is just all so moving...
(to be continued...pictures will be posted)
The trip was called "The Freedom Tour". It was hosted by a pastor by the name of Randy Keeling. His family used to tour around the country doing christian music concerts. They recorded several CD's and sold them. Their concerts grew and grew in audience number as word of mouth traveled.
(http://www.thekeelings.org/about_us.php) Randy wanted to do a tour of 9-11 memorials with a few places of the origins of this country thrown in for more perspective.
Randy is really a great guy. He LOVES to talk and he really cares about people. He is the same age as my husband and he also shares a similar journey with my husband...going off the deep end into drugs and leaving his family, only to return and be saved by the sheer grace of prayer.
Our first stop was in Shanksville at the Flight 93 Memorial. The black wall that ran the length of the edge of the debris field was long. Along the way was little indentations where ppl had left coins, flowers, and personal items (such as bracelets, canes, stuffed animals, hats) in homage to those that had sacrificed in their fight against the terrorists. It was a long walk...and I left quarters face down so that they would display "In God We Trust". I cried all along the way...and with tears streaming down my face, I traced the names engraved on each of the marble panels that memorialized the passengers. One marble panel for each one that died. I stopped in front of the one that bore the name of Deora Bodley...a 20 year old college student. She's older than my daughter, younger than my son. The tears streamed down my face uncontrollably as I tried to imagine what it might have been like for her parents. I could almost feel the all consuming pain.
Our next stop was not until Washington, DC. We took a night tour of the Memorials and monuments: Lincoln, Jefferson, World War II, Vietnam War, and Korean Conflict. We stood and gazed upon the Washington Monument from the site of the WWII Memorial. I took pictures of them all...the Wall of Ghosts, the Vietnam Wall of names and I stood in silence as I toured the WWII Memorial from one end to the other. Such a magnificent site! The soldiers moving through the 'rice field' at the Korean Memorial was truly a thing to behold.
My youngest sister and I walked up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to stand at the feet of Lincoln, we ALL climbed the stairs of the Jefferson Memorial to read the words etched in the walls of the building surrounding his statue.
The next morning we made our way to the Pentagon where we had received security clearance for an inside tour. I stood in dumbfounded disbelief when we were shown where the jet had come in and how far of a path of destruction it made and I, again, teared up when I read the names of all that had been killed. I cried as I walked through the Memorial that had been made outside the Pentagon. It is just all so moving...
(to be continued...pictures will be posted)
Friday, August 3, 2012
Where Faith Meets the Road
Anxiety...worry. You can NEVER be prepared for everything.
Out of everything that I saw myself 'dealing with'...this was not one of them: today my husband lost his job. 12 years with this company. Politics. And he got caught in the middle of incompetence and it all came down on his shoulders. Someone had to take the fall and it was so much easier to let it be him.
This is where faith has to hold us up and keep us going.
This is not the first time we have been here. I just have to keep my cool and keep him focused in the right direction. I can't handle it again if he goes off the deep end again and rests his psyche on drugs. I got him through one rehab...among other things.
Dear God, I know you hear me. I have trusted you...and I may have taken it all for granted lately, thinking it was finally our time to relax and enjoy things. You have other ideas. I am not sure what it is you want us to do or where you want us to go. Just let it be not quite so hard on the kids this time.
Out of everything that I saw myself 'dealing with'...this was not one of them: today my husband lost his job. 12 years with this company. Politics. And he got caught in the middle of incompetence and it all came down on his shoulders. Someone had to take the fall and it was so much easier to let it be him.
This is where faith has to hold us up and keep us going.
This is not the first time we have been here. I just have to keep my cool and keep him focused in the right direction. I can't handle it again if he goes off the deep end again and rests his psyche on drugs. I got him through one rehab...among other things.
Dear God, I know you hear me. I have trusted you...and I may have taken it all for granted lately, thinking it was finally our time to relax and enjoy things. You have other ideas. I am not sure what it is you want us to do or where you want us to go. Just let it be not quite so hard on the kids this time.
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