Healing on the Inside

Brokeness precedes...

If you don't deal with it, you will be broken.

I know...you may wonder why, after my last post, I am doing this.  However, I heard from Matt again.  He sent me a text saying, I want to meet you Nancy.  What's it going to take?

So, I decided to meet him.  I believe he may be disappointed because he goes on about how I am pretty but I don't think he has a true idea of how overweight I have become.  Then again, he may be no prize himself...and I am speaking personality wise.

I realized that I have been feeling heartbroken...just broken inside.

Most people would tell me I really don't have much to complain about...they don't understand why I feel so badly about finally being rid of Darkness.  I know these things but I still feel empty and hurt and broken.

I hope Jean is wrong about it taking the equivalent of half of the time you were married to get over it.  I would hate to think it will take me 12 and a half years to get beyond being broken.

Make Up My Mind for Me!

I thought I was going to give Matt the online guy another chance.  I made one small step towards that and called him.  We had a half an hour conversation and throughout most of the conversation he was irritating me.  I was trying to talk about things in my life...nothing heavy...just everyday occurrances.  For instance, I was talking about how amazing it is to see my bills go down with one less person in the house and what I can save on once my daughter moves out, i.e. cable bill.  He cut me off with putting me down for even subscribing to cable and how satellite is so much better, etc.  When he finally shut up I said, "ok.  Well, it works better for me right now because they have the better internet service and I get a discount on my cable and home phone because..."
"Home phone?!?  who uses a home phone anymore?  If you have decent cell phone service no one needs a home phone anymore!  I haven't had a home phone for (?) years!"
*sigh*  "As I was saying, I save money with the bundle package..."
"They can't MAKE you choose a bundle package...they got sued for that.  You don't HAVE to do a bundle.  You could just use the internet if you want.  I have their internet until (whatever company) extends their service into my area."
"They did not MAKE me choose a bundle.  I did because it was more economical and I liked having a home phone, too, at the time, however I do need to go to the office and talk to them about NOT having the home phone, maybe, because..."
"You should get rid of that home phone.  That will save you money on your bill right there.  They are charging you for something I'll bet you don't even use anymore. When was the last time you used your home phone?"
"As I was saying, since it is a bundle package, if I get rid of the home phone, it will change my package and it may cost the same, anyway."
"oh.  I getcha."

REALLY?  It took me FOREVER just to get that one thing out.  Then he ends the conversation with,
"Well, I'm home now.  Thanks for the home commute conversation.  I am going to go in and make some dinner and do some laundry,  I hope we can talk again soon."

Sounded JUST LIKE my ex after he had moved to Kansas.  The only conversations we had were when he was driving back to his apartment from his job.  Once he got home I got the "Well, I'm home now.  I'm going in and make dinner and watch TV.  Talk to you tomorrow."

The only difference is that while Darkness was driving his conversation mostly consisted of remarks about the other asshole drivers on the road.

So...Matt is off the list. There has GOT to be intelligent life out there SOMEWHERE!

Memory Lane

I am reading a book my daughter lent me entitled, "My Name is Memory".  It is written by the same author of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" series.  It is basically based on the notion of reincarnation and that some souls have memory from one life to the next.  It is about 2 souls that are bound to each other but only one of them remembers.

I am not sure how I stand on the reincarnation thing.  My mother does not believe in it because she says that God would not make us 'prove ourselves' over and over.  I, on the other hand, think it would be cruel not to let someone have a do over.  The Bible doesn't have to tell us EVERYTHING that goes on.  God has no obligation to give humans knowledge of all that He does. For instance, the idea that we are the only creations that He has made and that this planet is the only one He has created inhabitants on.  If you want someone to do that job right the first time, why would you let them know that they could get another shot at it without consequence?   If humans knew that, don't you think they would go through life just creating havoc because they know they will get another 'chance' to straighten up?  It's kind of like giving teens the house and car, etc, to themselves for a week and telling them, "no parties and drunk driving while I'm gone...but if you do, no biggie because I will give you another chance in a couple of months."

Anyhow, that is my take on it.  BUT, just in case I don't get another chance...I am trying to do it right this time around.

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I had a melt down day yesterday.  Don't know if it was just that I got out on the wrong side of the bed or there was just triggers.

My son was texting me yesterday with information that seemed to poke at something in my subconscious.  He is visiting with the relatives and he and Brit are staying with Darkness' mom, Helen.  Her 3rd husband, who she met in an online dating site, evidently got tired of waiting for her to die so that he would get her money and the house, has taken off for Florida and then TEXTED her that he wants a divorce.

While I may not be a huge fan of my ex MIL, I still feel sorry for her for the rough life she has had.  Fred SEEMED like the good one.  Everyone thought she had finally gotten lucky and here was a guy that really loved her and wanted to take care of her like she should have been.  But...nope, it turned out he had just thought she was going to die at some point (bad health problems and she almost DID die at one point) and he would make off with everything.

And...just like the killing off of Dr. McDreamy, this puts another hole in my vat of hope and belief in true love.


I got a text from Darkness yesterday asking me if I am okay...if everything is okay.  It was a head scratcher.  I texted back, 'Yes...why?"  He replied with, "I just worry sometimes."  This kind of made me angry. Why?  Because..it is what he does.  He is feeling lonely because he doesn't have some woman that he is feeling is interested in him and giving him any attention right now so he is 'softening me up'.  He says all the 'right' things, "I still love you."  "I care about you and what happens."  "I worry about you."  blah blah and I begin to believe that he has changed or maybe I was wrong about him, etc, and just as I am being sucked in he will flip and be mean because he has suddenly gotten himself another woman on the line and he does not need my attention.  So, I got angry when he sent me that text.

So yesterday was a mix of anger and utter sadness at digesting the idea that there really is not true love/happily ever after.

You think you have found someone that will love you warts and all.  You think the little things like an evening stroll through the town, taking in a movie, stopping at the local restaurant for a drink, a chat about politics, working together in the yard, are all going to be enough...the glue that holds it all together through the not so good times. And you think they know you and love even the not so pretty parts...but they bail on you leaving your insides hanging out.  You are rejected...thrown on the 'reject' pile.

And the knowledge that perhaps they are the flawed individual does not really make the hurt go away.

Healing takes a long time and I am trying to have patience with it.  But without something to give you hope, it makes the healing so much harder.  To top it off, I am finding I don't do 'alone' all that well.  I am not used to it.  Even when I had my own apartment in Cleveland and lived alone for 3 years I did not enjoy it.  I kept making weekend trips back to my parents' house.  And it was on one of those weekend trips, when I went to a bar with my older sister, that I met Darkness.  So, nothing is safe...nowhere.

And somewhere along the line, the rug will get pulled out from under you with a loud gaffaw.