That moment. That moment when you realize that 30 years have gone by and there were so many meandering roads you took from the main road that you have ended up somewhere you don't recognize.
I fought so hard to keep it all together and kept putting myself on the back burner...and I really don't regret it. I don't. It was my choice. And while it may be difficult trying to get myself up to speed in this world again, as long as I can keep moving forward and keep trying, then I know I'm not dead yet.
Things are weird at work. People have been getting fired and 'walked out'. First it was our floor...just a very few there. The next week it was the first floor management and contractors. The day before the axe fell on the management, the manager of our department called me into his office. I thought, 'great...now I won't even have a part time job." Instead, he offered me a fulltime position and asked me if I could begin right away. So, I did.
I really like most of the people I work with. Even the stuck up be-otch that works on the supervisor platform has actually started speaking to me. ha! And Taylor Swift has lunch the same time I do and heaven knows why she likes me but she waits to corner me in the lunch room so that she can share that hour with me.
Troy is now in Wichita. I ordered furniture, a vacuum, and kitchen ware and had it delivered so when he got there he would be able to settle in. His apartment is in a complex on a golf course. It is gated. And he left here knowing that our relationship is stalled. He gave up...I gave up. We are...not sure what. Friends? I care about him and what happens to him. I take care of him...still. I did things around here as he wanted them. Just to keep the peace. He did things to help out and give me some clue that he cared about me. But we lost that intimacy. It/s as if we are moving around each other...going through motions.
And now he is gone. He left 2 days ago. We have talked on the phone. I cried most of the night the night he left. I barely made it through work the next day. I'm sad that things have ended up this way. I'm scared because I don't know why I feel SO bad! Or am I scared because it is wide open and I really don't know what to expect?
A few things God has taught me all of these years...there is no plan and there is no way of skipping ahead or getting somewhere FAST. well, God has a plan but it really doesn't do any good to make your own plans. They will be put through a blender and when you get them out, it is a mess. Plain and simple.
SO...having learned all of that, I take a deep breath and try NOT to figure it out. The path will appear before me, one brick at a time, like magic. All I have to do is breathe.
I know what I would like to do, to a certain extent.
Out of habit, when I came home from work yesterday, I started to do something not because it is what I wanted to do, but because it was something that Troy wanted to be done, in a certain way. Then I stopped myself and thought, "he's not here and it doesn't matter." There will be lots of moments like that.
Today on FB, I had two chats going at once. The ironic part of it was that I was basically giving the same advice to both ppl. It was my son TJ and my best friend Jackie. She couldn't figure out why a guy that she had spent 5 years of her life with, then tossed her out, would barely look at her while his family were so nice and treated her like family. Why she felt guilty about anything...what she had done.
In the other chat my son is lamenting over not having a steady gf and he is in a hurry to get his life started. And I had to tell him that life is not a race. God has plans for him and he has to learn to enjoy those around him and not let his 'misery' steal his time.
As for Jackie...told her if she felt guilt she was doing it. That guy is unhappy with himself and lets it kill the light around him. As for his family, they like her, despite him. And she needs to accept that.
The thing I told them both? "that relationship was not the right one. You have to accept that and let go of it. It was a learning experience. Open your eyes to what is around them and expect there will be something good waiting for you."
As for me, I feel like there will be something else, yet. Notice I didn't say someONE else. Not sure if that is going to happen. It may...may not. I have time now to figure me out and heal ME. Will pray that I keep my eyes open so that I may see which path to take.
I have sadness..feel defeat. BUT I have to let the joy rise to the top. Learn to feel the joy of everyday ppl and things. Try not to let the changes pull me into the deepness.
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