Cuddle Bear

Sitting here watching a sad movie..."Now Is Good".  I realized something...why I am depressed...why I just quit on my marriage.

No, I did not quit because he spent most of his free time away from work hanging out with his friends and showing up just to sleep and occassionally grab something to eat...and complain that I was tired.  No, I did not give up because he yelled about things most of the time and never really took the time to understand anyone in his family.  No, I did not give up because he started smoking crack, lost his job, left us by ourselves, took us into bankruptcy.  Actually, what I did admire was that he pulled himself out of that and got back on his feet.  yes...admire...in a twisted way.

I gave up because there was no intimacy.  He had no idea how to do it..even though I talked to him about it for years.  He said he didn't know what to do to make me happy.  Well...no one can MAKE me happy however, there are things that would help me feel closer and more secure...like I mattered. 

There was 2 things I wanted: sex BEFORE 11 (cuz by 11 I'm fading and I am a morning person) AND to sit with his arms around me..HOLDING me...without it ALWAYS turning into a grope fest.  I just started ducking out on it altogether.  Ironically he complained that I didn't hug him.   I WANTED to hug him...but I wanted a HUG. 

Also, I did not appreciate being talked to half the time like the help.  AND he didn't understand what I meant when I asked him if there was anything I did correct...in his eyes.

It is sad when his offspring get it...but he does not know what WE are talking about.

I talked to him yesterday and said, "perhaps tomorrow morning it will be dry enough to mow the lawn."  He said, "you haven't mowed the lawn yet???"  wow...he's in Wichita and still not happy.  Pardon me bu-u-u-dy but it has been RAINING!  Had a stream running down the road earlier.  My sister said she had a moat around HER house.  It will get mowed when it gets mowed.

My first fiance wasn't much better.

I really am not a bad person.  May not be the neatest person on earth.  But I do what I can do and try to take care of the ones in my life.  I have a weird sense of humor but I use it to defuse tense situations...or just because something hits me sideways and I find it completely idiotic.  But...that is me. I sometimes go off in a last minute manic direction with something like Laurelei Gilmore.  None of that makes me a bad person...and I would just LOVE to have found someone that found me to be just fine they way I am and not get irritated by me and make me feel bad about who I am.  That never happened. 

Too late now.  Not because I'm dying but because I would not care to even try to FIND someone anymore.  I just really do...not...care.  I am where I am and it is what it is.

I tried to make adjustments to what he wanted...how we dealt with each other inside and outside the bedroom...and how I took care of everything else around the house and with the family.  He did not listen to me.  But....it's my fault.  I'll take it. 

Life is my fault.  I still want to sit on the couch, with someone's arms around me while watching a goofy movie.  Looks like I'll have to settle for a sweater.