The Slow Death

     Debbie P had the day off from work yesterday.  She lays in wait for when I have a break. She yapped through my lunch hour. Then she texted me at 3 to find out if I was 'off duty' (as she put it). 
She does not realize that I usually work until 5...sometimes longer.  I told her I was doing parent calls.  But they weren't answering and I had to leave VMs.  She was thrilled and said she was on her way to get me. WE were going to Walmart.

     HOW exciting! *head whack* I still had work to do but I had been stuck at the computer since 6 a.m. and just needed to move.  I figured it would be quick. She said, "I am wearing sweats and no make up. "  Well, I had on jeans, a waffle weave henley and some face powder and mascara. My hair was doing a nice thing and all I had to do was run a brush through it.  Snow boots and my speckled pea coat and I was a real babe. Babe the Pig that is.  bwahahaha.

    That was my first trip to a store with Debbie...and my last.  I HATE shopping. She meandered all over that store.  She had a very long list and she spent even more time checking out any middle aged un-ringed male.  *head whack*  She even pointed out a few that looked like something I would be interested in. 

     She and I still managed to give the workers a laugh.  I was just glad to get home.  But I was so totally WORN OUT!

     I put some stuff on our middle school teacher facebook page and our Principal, Laura the Nut, decided that I am now one of her favorites.  They were just goofy joke things.  Not even that great but apparently she thinks I am snarky like her.  Hey...I wouldn't turn my back on her BUT she is someone you would be glad is on YOUR side.  So, I will roll with it.  *shrug*

    One of the mom's I spoke to today told me about taking pills for her thyroid because she has hypothyroidism and said, 'you don't want to mess with that.  Dying from that is a very slow, unpleasant death...which will happen if you don't get it treated."  yay. 

     I am pretty sure that is what has happened to me.  I have half of one.  Each year it gets a little worse.  Now I can barely move. I need an endocrinologist. However, I can't afford it right now.  So, just hold on.

     Bright side today: my son has a phone interview for a job that would be a really great one.  Right now he is working a 5 week contract IT job.  I will go down and help him pack the truck, and, if he doesn't get this job he is interviewing for on Friday, he has an insurance company job to work at in the meantime. 

Draft time

  I have been going crazy trying to find any little crack or crevice where cold air is sneaking.  I may keep the weather stripping makers in business. 

     I sit here staring at my lighted Christmas tree wondering why I even put it up.  It is me.  I don't think Lucy would care if I had put it up.  It is just something I have to take back down and put away.

     Each school year I find myself dragging a just a bit more.  I am SO thankful I work at home.  Yet, I also realize that it can be a bad thing.  I am afraid I would become a recluse.  Winter, however, is a pretty bad time for me.  SAD.  Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I have a special light but I never noticed any difference.  I go through the winter feeling totally drained.    My muscles hurt.  I think it is a combination of SAD and fibromyalgia. 

     My friend Debbie (one of two Debbies.  so this is Debbie B) messaged me about attending Celebrate Recovery last night. She worries that I am going to be that recluse.  She has been after me about me recovering from mental and emotional abuse.  I was rather shocked when she hit me with that.  I told her I feel that I have worked through most of that and am just stuck at forgiving for how he ended it with me. She jumped on that with both feet. "He made you feel like insignificant.  You are filled with resentment.  You feel like you were stabbed in the back."  hhhmmmmm....well...I am not FILLED with resentment but the stab in the back part.  I just looked at her a minute and said, "He's moved on with another woman and lots of man toys and a big beautiful house and..." "You feel betrayed!  You feel like you got the short end of the stick!"  "noooot really.  I don't care about the house or the woman.  I am fine.  That is who he is.  I do not mind NOT having part of any of that because it would mean having to have him in my life." "But it still must feel like you were betrayed." Again, a moment of silent astonishment.  Why is she trying to make this in to something?  No.

So I gave it one more try.  "The only thing that bothers me is how he treated me...like I was a one night stand that he regretted. And I know it is his make up but does that mean he should be let off the hook?  However, I have to figure out a way to not let that twist me up for the rest of my life."  "You need to come to Recovery!  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to!  Just be around your friends and listen!"

Oh yay.  Listen to whine.  I am trying NOT to whine anymore.  However, the part about being around friends sounded nice.  I know my other friend...the other Debbie (P)...goes to get over HER divorce.  Debbie B is trying to pull herself out of a downward spiral of depression from working at a drug rehab facility for many many years.

BUT....last night was cold and I was tired and under a throw blanket...and it was SO easy to talk myself out of it.   Nothing seems to be stronger than a lack of motivation.  Stay behind me and you can draft in my wake.

Trying to Ignore It

There is this one woman on my FB list that was a grade behind me in school.  She wants to make sure everyone knows she has MS.  She seems to use it for an excuse.  By that I mean, she really has a mild case of it and when she catches a cold or has a headache she complains about it with the lovely phrase, "MS SUCKS".  well...yeah!

So today, I am going to complain about the thing that topples me once in a while...the thing I try to ignore...FIBROMYALGIA SUCKS.

It has been a lovely few days.  Things could be worse.  But yesterday my push mower broke.  Evil Spawn informed me that he never changed the spark plug...and that may be what happened.  I then informed HIM that I changed the spark plug AND the air filter last summer...as well as changed the oil.  But the mower is about 12-13 years old.  Derek next door checked it out and pronounced it as dead due to a cracked piston.  So then Evil Spawn said, At least they don't cost that much to replace.
To which I told him if it cost more than $5 it was too much to replace.  I looked around the yard, front and back, and decided I could get by without it. Whatever the riding mower couldn't  cut then the electric trimmer could.  I might need to take 2 days to do the trimming OR buy a 2nd battery for my trimmer (note the previous $5 remark).  However, it could be worse.  Also, if I take the gas trimmer apart I can fix the pull cord. 

Then today I saw the signs up...the city is going to pave the roads around us for a 2 block radius tomorrow and Friday.  That means Evil Spawn could not get in here to drop the trailer off on Friday.  I informed him of such.

He has then decided to take the trailer with him to his mother's and return on Monday to load.  We had a phone conversation about it.  Somewhere in there he made some remark about having to live with how he messed things up.  And I do not know how it got to it...really because my blood pressure was very high by now...but he denied ever sending me an email telling me that he wanted a divorce and was going to go to the courthouse and file.   He said that when he called me and told me he wanted a divorce he didn't TELL me...he said he thought MAYBE we should get a divorce...and he waited for me to talk to him about it but I never talked to him about it.

So...MY fault.  I found the email (didn't think I had saved it but I did) and copied it and sent it back to him.  I reread it and there was no doubt in it whatsoever what he wanted.  And I am not the one with alzheimers...I remember the phone conversation. And I remember him telling me he didn't love me anymore. 

He is just trying to shift the blame to me, make me doubt myself, drum up some sympathy for himself so that he doesn't face angry me when he comes here to get his stuff.  I already told him I was not going to be here when he comes to drop off the trailer Friday...or at least, see the kids.  I didn't want the kids to feel uncomfortable so I am not going to spoil things and I will leave.  I also informed him that I MIGHT be here Monday but if I am I will be in the computer room working on my classwork.  He said we could have a conversation after it is all packed, if I want.  I told him I really don't know what else to say to him. 

By the time the phone conversation was over, I was livid.  My blood pressure was up, my head hurt, and my ears had that weird fuzziness to them like I had been to a really loud concert.  I finished putting the groceries away, got something to eat then collapsed in a chair.  As I started to calm down I felt more and more like rubber.  And that's where I am right now...rubber and nerve pain.  And my chest kinda hurts...too high of a heart rate. 

Now that time is drawing near, Jackie checks in with me every evening when she gets off work.  She knows the kids are off doing their own thing and don't know...nevermind.

Speaking of which, I am so afraid my father is not going to make it through the year...or for much longer.  My mother tells how very easily he tires.  She says he has not much strength left in him and he can barely do anything without collapsing into a chair.  It is hard to hear and see.  He has always been so strong...so busy.  I know she is afraid, too.  If it wasn't for my dogs I'll bet if something happened to dad, she would sell the house and move in with me.  That would be astronomically interesting.  But she is my mom. 

Life has too many twists and turns and we never know...

Say Geronimo

Yesterday I woke up in some of the worst nerve pain I have had in quite a while.  It was so bad I headed straight for the bottle of pain pills.  The funny thing is the bottle had enough pills in it for a month.  It has lasted me almost a year and at the rate I take them, that bottle could last me another year.  They are not out of date.  It is nice to have something when things are just beyond horrible.

TJ was just home from work and was making himself a frittata before settling in for a good sleep.  He gave me a worried look and said, "In a lot of pain?"  He worries.  He knows I am not about pills.  I just shrugged it off with, "a pill, some coffee, some breakfast and an ice pack in just the right place and I will be good.  Not a thing.  It happens."  He just smiled.  He knows I can be pretty stubborn.  Just like my mother before me.  As it turned out, I was outside a few hours later, having to interrupt the research paper I was writing, mowing lawn and doing the trimming.  TJ was going to help when he woke up later but the sky looked 'iffy'.  The rain was supposed to visit in the very early hours of the morning and be sunny the rest of the day.  But the winds had shifted and rain was slated for the time he was going to be up.  As it turned out, I got rained on while finishing up the backyard.

I did feel good being out there working in the yard.  And then I swept out the garage and set up tables in anticipation of the community garage sale tomorrow.  It was the garage sale that had prompted Troy to call me.  I do NOT know what is wrong with his head.  We have discussed what he is taking with him and when.  I have sent him lists for approval, additions, deletions, etc.  And he calls me in a panic and it sounds like he is thinking I am selling everything in the garage an just about everything in the house! 

 I was speechless.  He wanted me to give him all the stuff that I use to do the yard work!!

I told him, 'um...I am still living here!  I am not going anywhere and I use those things!  You are living in an apartment with no yard.  AND when you DO move into a house, you make A LOT of money...I think you can afford to buy a new shovel and rake and leaf blower, etc."  He was agitated and said it wasn't about the money...he didn't want to have to start over with nothing.

Okay...the divorce was months ago.  We had agreed upon things.  Now he is panicking?  I told him he needed to calm down and take a breath.  Then he tried to make me feel guilty about his financial state.  I KNOW his financial state.  And I know that after paying me alimony, the IRS takes their cut and he pays his rent he has, at the worst, as much money left over to work with as I do and it is just HIM.  I have 3 people and 3 dogs here.  I told him, "you have to calm down.  It is not ALWAYS going to be this way for you.  Come October my alimony payments decrease and by January the govt will be done with you."  He has never been able to see beyond the end of his nose. 

I WILL give him any duplicates of gardening tools we have.  But I am not handing him over anything else that I am using.  It is stupid.  He doesn't need it now and when the time comes he will be able to afford to buy it.  I think the gf is complaining in his ear. 

All I know is...he ticked me off at first...but I calmed down fairly quickly and got back to happy.  Happy because I realized that I didn't care.  And by didn't care I mean that it did not make me feel depressed or hurt AND I also thought about the fact that he might be moving into a rental house with the gf and...I felt nothing about it.  Honestly.  I don't care.  It is his life.  If he called me today and told me that he and she were getting married my response would be, 'huh'. 

THAT IS SO AMAZING!!! 

And, yesterday morning, even though I was in so much pain, I looked at my son, after I downed the pain pill, and said, "I am sorry for saying this if it makes you uncomfortable BUT, even though I am in pain and having a hard time moving I am STILL happy because I am no longer married to your dad!  Woot woot!"  He just looked at me, raised his eyebrows and said, "Well, that's good!"  then he laughed. 

And I woke up this morning and smiled and thanked God for making my life so awesome.  I am dancing around the house again, joking, laughing...and looking forward to my future. 

I feel like I have found what I hope to be doing...working with students with autism.  I am finding the whole thing fascinating. 

And today...I have classwork to do (my first class will end this Sunday), a garage sale to set up for, and I have some yardwork I am going to attempt to take care of.  I also have at least 5 teaching jobs to apply for while I wait on the charter school to set up that had spoken/is speaking to me about a position with them.  I am not putting my eggs all in one basket.

I have plans for the 'paver' patio using blocks of left over wood from the fence.  It is treated wood and I have a pile of leftover shingles from the previous roof that do not match this roof.  I am using them as a base...to help grass not grow back.  I am using the rocks that I have accumulated from digging gardens around the house to make a big rock garden across the back of the house...it will give Jack a barrier to pee on and protect my plants.  I get excited just thinking about it.  LOL  I am going to put my $10 used table saw to work! 

YAY!!!  Now to go enjoy my dance song for the day!

A Lot of Nerve in Lemon Rubber

Lower back....nerve pain.  Several years ago I ended up with a bulging disc in my lower back.  As the chiropractor put it, my disc did not bulge out the side between the 2 vertebra, it bulged out the back so when I laid on my back or sat in a chair, it was being pressed on...and it was pressing up against every nerve it could all by itself anyway.  I could not move without screaming.  The only thing that relieved any of the pain was ice packs on that area.  I found a movement, thanks to the chiropractor, that when I feel that pain coming on, it actually helps create a vacuum that 'sucks the disc' back into place.  Walking up and down stairs is one of the things that helps...my elliptical helps...anything that causes one hip to rotate up then the other hip to rotate up.  Reaching into the bottom of my washer to retrieve clothes also helps.  I am pretty short so in order to reach the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, I have to balance on my tip toes on one foot to reach one way, then balance on the tip toes on my other foot to reach the other way.  Then my lower back feels better too.  

This morning I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a mack truck.  Some stretching and icing and the proper hip movement and it is better.  Which is good because I have 2 assignments to put the finish touches on for class 1 and the first assignment to finish for class 2.  Then Sunday is the big Teacher/Education Job Fair. 

I also had a talk with my dentist's billing department.  They sent me a bill that showed I owed a total of $292 for the 3 of us.  I called them and told them that what they sent me made absolutely no sense and she said she would separate us into our own accounts and send a break down.  I got her pile of stuff in the mail and it was not separated...all she did was use different colored highlighters on it and tell me she couldn't separate us.  Then I told her that I do not understand where these charges are coming from because all along I was sent bills in the mail showing me what the insurance had paid for each and what was left.  I paid those amounts all along the way.  She tried to tell me something about estimates and I told her 'no...these were bills.'  She said, "Well I see where you were making payments at different times.  I understand what you are saying and I agree with you.  I will write this off.  I see he did (daughter's) last 4 fillings for free for some reason."  "noooo...he didn't do anything for free.  When he did an exam a few months ago he found that the computer records showed that the work had been done already but it wasn't.  The insurance had been billed for it and I had paid for it because the computer said it was done.  So he finally did the work and did not charge for it since it had already been billed and paid."  "oh, I see.  Well, I am going to write off the rest of this since it is our fault."  Whatever.  I would have paid it IF they told me it was something owed but I paid what they said I needed to pay on the bills they sent.  In this case, I think it is their fault.  I did what I needed to do.  They need to revamp their system I think.

As for me...assignments, yard work, a community garage sale to get ready for...a  garage and basement to clear out.  So much, so much.  And job applications.  I try to do at least one a day now.  And it takes me all day to do it.  They are online but they want SO much filled in...a resume attachment just doesn't do it for them.  So, I do one section then 'save for later'...do something else...come back and do another section and 'save for later'...do something else...come back and do another section...so on and so forth.  At least I am getting somewhere.  Wish I could say the same thing for my dishes.  And my room painting.  I don't seem to have much energy.  First it was the depression and anxiety that robbed me. Then allergy season hit...and the dampness makes all the nerve pain worse.  However, I push...like wading through jello.  Not just any jello....hospital jello.
Lemon hospital jello.  LOL

No Reason

Everytime I bring up my internet explorer it goes to my home page, which is yahoo.  And on the right is a box with subjects/names in it that are 'trending'.  I don't usually pay much attention to it.  After all, what do I really care what Beyoncé wore to the mall or the argument that was caught on tape between some starlet and her latest conquest? 

Are any of those people going to help me in anyway?  Or really hurt me in anyway?  Their lives are so very public.  I could never live under all of that scrutiny.  I want a small, safe world.

You can't always get what you want.

Today is another day of pain.  And overwhelming tiredness.  It used to be days of migraines.  I had a small window of  'normal' between the migraines and the fibromyalgia.  It really wasn't that small...it just seems like it.  I think it was approximately 15 years.  And it was good because there was so much else in my life to deal with at that time that I had no time for the physical pain.

I remember my relatives saying such mean things about my cousin Judy about her fibromyalgia.  No one understood it.  They said she made it up and she was just lazy.  She couldn't keep a job because there were days when the pain and the depression and tiredness won and she would just take to bed...covers over her head and all.  I am scared it is going to happen to me.  The bout I am having right now is the worst yet. 

Something reminded me this morning...about feelings...and are you 'allowed' to have them?

I was younger.  As I wrote earlier, I was a chubby child.  Not really fat but not a thin girl.   I remember once coming home from a Girl Scout meeting and one of the girls there, who was mean to everyone anyways, had said something about my stomach.  I was crying.  My mother angrily told me that I had no reason to cry. My older sister had been very much over weight when she was younger and the she got picked on terribly.  My mother told me that the reason I had no reason to cry was because I was no where near as heavy as my sister had been and that my sister got picked on all the time.  So, because my sister was picked on all the time, my feelings were not allowed to be hurt by one mean girl. 

I remind myself every day that I am blessed.  My divorce situation is not so bad. I have it easy. 

I reminded myself throughout my marriage that it really wasn't that bad.  He didn't beat me.  He didn't come home drunk.  I should be glad he wasn't home so much...less arguing. 

I tried to make myself realize that I was actually blessed.  It is all in my head.  I was whining over nothing.  I was left alone....and I was verbally abused...put down.  But, hey, I had a husband that earned a good living and I had enough money to pay the bills and clothe the kids and feed us all.  We always had a roof over our heads.  I never had a partner to talk to and share things with. So what if I was always walking on eggshells, wondering what mood he was going to be in from minute to minute...what was going to set him off.  I had no reason to be upset or depressed...no reason to cry.  There are women out there that had it so much worse...so I had no reason to feel hurt. 

I wanted too much.  Shame on me for wanting the life that I see so many other of the people I went to school with have...the forever loving spouse and kids that grow up and marry and have kids of their own.  I grew up in a family like that....lots of criticism but we had no reason to let any of that bother us. 

I have 2 great kids that are handling life better than I did.  I pray for them each day that God will continue to bless them and guide them. 

I pray that this pain will lessen for me.  I have a life to find and live.  I pray that I have finally learned not to let other people make me feel good about myself and that I learn to feel good about myself alone.

Hope

This woman has given me the inspiration I have needed.  And on days like today, when I am in SO much pain because of the fibromyalgia, I have to know that God is going to help me keep moving and I will over come.  It was so much easier to give up and let Troy have the job then I didn't have to worry about days like this.  But others do it.  So, I just have to realize I can too.  It's not the pain...I can work through the pain.  It is the times when it doesn't let me sleep and the next day I am struggling through the dense brain fog.  And then it makes me irritable.  It is difficult holding in the irritability.  That's why it will be so much better if someday I can get an online teaching job.

Fibber My Algae

The weather today is the most perfect weather to have the day off!  I can sit in my sunroom and enjoy it!  Last year the weather was too unpleasantly hot from end of April through to fall to sit out here.  I open a few windows, turn on the overhead fan to circulate the already lovely cool breeze throughout.  The dogs love it out here too.  They run outside for a while, then come in and lay here and cool off...then back outside.  Nice to see them out there running off the winter fat.  I know...I should too.  but I don't run.  ever.  If someone tried to chase me with a knife...I'd probably just find something to fling at their head rather than run.

After all of that work on the house, yard, the open house...overly emotional for my daughter's graduation...by Sunday night I was physically ill. It actually started Friday...the over all pain...the foggy brain.  It was hell in a jar at work Friday. I just could not cut through the fog to think!  and the pain made me want to cry.  I have NEVER had an 'episode' with my fibromyalgia like this.  It is the worst and longest one ever.  I need some 5 hour energy.  The massive amount of B vitamins in that opens up the blood vessels and the stronger surge of blood flow seems to quell the pain somewhat.  Troy gave me permission to use my day off from work to do nothing.  HA!

So far the only thing I've done is some applications.  And that was easy...sat in the chair while watching the morning news and clicked and sent.  LOL!  I have a cousin that would not hold a job because she said her fibromyalgia made it too hard.  The worst thing you can do with this affliction is NOTHING.  I refuse to give it control of my life...or take it away from me.  Advil and 5 hour energy are my friends when it gets too bad.

As for the open house...we ran out of a lot of food.  It was only an hour into it and the seafood cups I made and the pulled pork we brought, and the pasta salad I made were goners.  The lettuce salad was almost gone.  Pam still had lots of sliders and hotdogs left.  I was so glad I brought a meat and cheese tray!  We also had plenty of potato salad.  My mother had baked at least 60 dozen cookies.  by the time the thing was over, we might have had 2 1/2 dozen left.   We have plenty of cake, though.  They just weren't cake eaters I guess.  My punch was drained in less than an hour.  We had lots of iced tea and lemonade.  Pam had not wanted the punch. 

Lots of ppl!  Some of my family that came saw our home for the first time.  We have lived here almost 5 years and this is the first time that my brother and oldest sister have been here.  Probably the last time, too. 
It was just nice to have everyone together.

My SIL was being her usual bratty self.  I just ignored her.  I let Troy deal with her.  His sister.

I cried through most of Bethany's graduation.  My baby...last one.  And today she is experiencing her first day of work.  McDonald's.  Where else can a 17 year old get job experience?  LOL  As of next Friday, she is on her own as far as putting gas in her car.  I haven't had to put gas in it too many times, though.  She mainly sticks close to home and the thing is gentle on gas use.  She will also be on her own as far as her wardrobe.  There's a big savings right there!

Troy is still waiting on word from Wichita.  I told him that if a company has the opening, and they are taking so very long to fill it AND they are expanding, it just may be that they are doing some adding on and reshuffeling of personnel.  He may get a job with them in a whole new position that they added on.  Or...not.  But from what I remember from HR classes, in an expanding company, it means they are reorganizing.

In the meantime, he is submitting other applications.

Who knows where it all will lead?