So, tonight I sat and tried to have a conversation with him about what bothers me...and if he really wants me around because he is unhappy with me.
As I figured, his excuse for things is that he works more hours than I do. He works more PAID hours than I do...as I pointed out. He does his job then comes home and is a plop in the chair. During the week I get it. I really do. But he spends the weekend channel surfing. Nothing EVER gets done. He says he helps with cooking. He used to. I have done a lot of cooking. I do everything else. He evidently is upset cuz he had to do the mowing on Wednesday. Not sure what he is bitching about. I get up everyday at 5:30 when he does...make the coffee, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, feed the dogs, get breakfast for the kids, pack TJ a lunch, get my breakfast and pack something for myself as a quick bite while everyone else is having lunch and I'm manning the phones. Then I come home and do laundry/vacuuming...cook dinner. He comes home, eats dinner and sits like a plop in the chair. He gets Wednesday at home but I still get up early to make sure the kids have breakfast...besides, the dogs want to be let out. I make the coffee...I do the same on the weekends. I don't get a break.
I will admit I am not the most energetic person. I used to be more so. I have gotten so I am more tired and lumpy than I used to be.
He says he is just not happy with his life in general. I am part of the unhappiness.
Again...I am tired of feeling badly becuz I am what I am. I didn't try hard enough? I didn't try to do the right things? I don't know. I know marriage is work but should it really be THAT much work? Should it drain you and make you feel bad? Should you have to change EVERYTHING about who you are?
Perhaps we went into this whole thing with the wrong idea about who each other was/is. yes...he let me down from the beginning. I let him down.
Just WHY are we still here? He says he wants me to go to Wichita with him...fresh start he says.
I guess my idea of a fresh start is different from his.
I just want to see things through with my kids. Make sure they get through their schooling and get out there with ppl they really do love. They are going to have a life. Then...I don't care anymore.
Sounds stupid...but I don't.
I really don't believe in anyone giving a crap about who I am...able to love me and stay that way. I guess I'm too difficult. Every relationship I have ever had...they EXPECTED me to do this...be that.
I am better alone....so the only one I can disappoint is me. And I don't care if this sounds like a pity party. Call it what you want. I feel like crying. I don't know which way to turn. I don't know what to do. I am better at encouraging others and helping them. I need someone to help me. Encourage me. But that just doesn't happen.
And I am scared because i feel so depressed, anxious...and my mind goes blank too much. I have a hard time remembering the words I want to use. and the harder I try to think...the longer it takes to remember. I am scared. I feel nothing inside. There is no passion. If some guy flirted with me, I would not feel a little thrill...I would feel nothing. I am tired. My head hurts. and my life is a pile.
I still joke with ppl. I smile. Everyone thinks like is just great with me. I am happy for my kids. I am thrilled that they are doing well and have a possibility of a good future. I am trying to make sure they make better decisions than I did.
I find it totally ironic that everyone from my past (HS and college) use these words to describe me: 'determined/smart/focused/ had a plan/ knew what I wanted/sweet' They all thought I was going to be something great. Here I am...falling apart in the middle of nowhere and nothing.
What a punch line.
You know...I can't even talk about this with my mother. I tried...but she turned it into something about her. She started wailing about 'where did I go wrong with my kids? I worked hard to make sure you had a good life...but you all have such problems! I did something wrong!" Yes mom...it is ALL YOUR fault.
She had nothing to do with my decision to marry Troy. She had nothing to do with my decisions after that. It is my life and it has all gone wrong. I was a good mom. But I almost lost my son at one point...becuz I wasn't paying close enough attention. I am sure at some point Troy will throw that in my face, also. Surprised he hasn't yet.
why bother?
2 comments:
sending you a hug this moring, sounds like you could use one.
Something I hope you consider. You wrote: "It is my life and it has all gone wrong. I was a good mom." Reconsider those lines, please. Change "was" to "am". (I'm betting your kids would agree that you still ARE a good mom.) That said, why minimize it by saying "...it has all gone wrong"? Being a good mom is no easy job - and yes, it can be a job much of the time. Mind you, not a "perfect" mom because such a creature does not exist. But good is way better than many a child has. If your children are or will be able to go out in the world and face the challenges life will throw at them, then I submit you have accomplished great things. But that alone does not and cannot define you. Emotionally, it sounds as though what you have experienced is what I would call "death by ten thousand paper cuts." One did not heal before there was another, then another, then another ... So where to from where you are? I have no answer. I do think you hit upon something when you said you are depressed. Again, please don't minimize that. It is way more than "feeling blue" and way more than advice to "suck it up" can cover. I know the overall mental health services in the US stink to high heaven, but is there a clinic, someone you could talk to? Does writing help you to focus? Questions, suggestions - those are about all anyone out here can offer.
Post a Comment