Get Rid of It

It's ironic listening to Dr. James Merritt this morning.  He is preaching about getting rid of it...the bitterness, the feeling that someone owes you...

Before the sermon started, I was thinking about forgiving and that it was okay to let it go 'as long as others knew how you had been 'wronged'.  THEN I thought...why is that important? Why do you have to go around letting others know what that other person had done to us?  Aren't we trying to hand over that anger to them to carry, instead of you?   That's exactly what we are doing.  We are just handing off the burden.  

I can sit and look at what I did wrong...I can admit to it.  Others do bad things to people because they have

sinfulness within them.  You can't expect them to be a good person if there is sinfulness in their heart.  I have let sinfulness into my heart and did not treat someone with kindness or compassion.  

If Jesus could go to the cross and endure the torture he did and die for a world full of unkind and sinful people, then I should be able to let it go...whatever the wrong has been done against me.  That is for them to work out with God and if I lash out against them...I am not setting a good Christian example.  

But here is the distinction...you can forgive, let it go but that does not mean that you lay out the Welcome mat and let them back into your life.  

Learn, forgive, let it go and move on.  Don't transfer your anger to others to carry on.

Heat It Up

I'm melting, I'm melting!

I am in a battle with the Japanese Beetles over my gorgeous climbing rose bushes.  I have been spraying them with an essential oil spray.  It has not deterred all of them.  I really hate to break out the sevin dust.

I am not finishing any new outside projects because of the heat and the rebar is not going to work to hold my screen because it was too tall and thin. I could not get it deep enough into the ground.  So...I have to come up with something different.  It will have to wait until the heat wave ends.  

Oh...did not get that teaching job.  I feel like God is telling me to be still.  Things have settled down around my house.  I don't know how I will afford a car replacement but God will provide.

TJ got a job with McGraw-Hill in there online programs training department for schools.  It is a 4 month contract position for now but they said they could have some fulltime positions after. I am praying this works out for him!

I am working on my bedroom...paint, floors. It is going slowly cuz I was feeling pretty awful for a few days last week AND I am trying to enjoy some of my vacation time.  

Nothing else really going on.  

ReImagined

     I did not do any of my school work this weekend.  I was busy doing nothing.  I did laundry and cleared out my kitchen.  Other than that, I sat and watched the weather.

     I had a moment and  texted a little with my son yesterday.  I told him to consider how he communicates...how SHE communicates.  He did consider it.  He asked me why I was bringing it up, and I told him it is because of his dad and I and our marriage.  It was not all doomed due to bad communication but it is a problem.  And not just my marriage or any marriages. Communication is a problem.
 
     I get upset when I say something and it is an all encompassing statement with no timeline and the person that I say it to applies it to a finite instance.  My ex was that kind of person.  I have other friends  that are that way...more than I realized until lately.  Today was one of those days.  I just did a head slap.  I did the eye brow raise/furrow, head slap, eye roll, groan.  Then I decided to just make note of those that limited my statement so that I would not do generalities with them.  It is all in how one thinks.  If I do not want to create more work for myself, I have to decide what I communicate and to whom.
 
     I know communication is the biggest piece of that marriage decision.  Honesty...and not just with each other. If they can't be honest with themselves (she with herself, him with himself) then how are they going to be honest with each other?   My son has TRIED to change his communication approach but she has already decided that everything he says is an attack.   I am not sure if they can come back from that.  My best advice to him was to think it all through and be honest about whether or not he REALLY feels that they can fix what is not working.  He is feeling overwhelmed. 

     He said that he is going to move in with her and her parents for a bit once this 3 week contract job is up.  He is going to work the next job and save money but if they do not seem like it is getting any better then he will take the money he has saved and get out...whether it is up here or his own place in that vicinity he will decide at that time. 

     I can understand that.  He is just trying to make sure it is not able to work at all.  No one wants to walk away if they have any doubts left.   I told him that he will know what he needs to do but I just ask that he really consider all of his options and possible scenarios and pick those that he feels he can live the best with.

     I know I ended that last sentence inappropriately but I am tired.  I spend all day on my work computer writing progress reports for my students. They are due to the parents this Friday.  I have one left to complete.  I have set a deadline to send them out for Wednesday.  Then I can use my Thursday afternoon and Friday to communicate with parents and dig into the pile of IEPs that I have to get written over the next 5 weeks.  I will be done with them by the time I have to help my son  pack and move.  It will be a tough work schedule because I have 9 IEPs to write and 6 of them are renewals that I have to include data from working with them for a semester.  There goes my weekends!

   

Support Garments

    I attended Celebrate Recovery.  The part I liked best was the message by Pastor Steve before we broke up into small groups. 

     I had had a discussion with my son earlier.  I felt badly and frustrated about it.  He began to complain to me about his dad's assessment of things and what he thinks our son should do.  Jr. got a surprise because I said, "I agree with your father.  You need to just walk away.  She is getting everything she wants and she does not care about you.  AND everything is falling apart there.  I really think God is stripping you down to the nubs because He is trying to get you to face reality and get out, start over...everything...your whole life."  I felt badly because I could hear the dejection in his voice.  I am frustrated because we have had this discussion over and over for the past 2 months.  I just want to show up with a moving truck, load him and his stuff up, hand her a 'good bye' letter and leave!  His dad even thinks he should come move back in with me until he can get his act together.  That says something right there!

     So, listening to Pastor Steve, I heard some things that sounded like what I had gone through but I kept thinking, "if only my son could be sitting here listening to this."

     Small group was sort of helpful.  It wasn't exactly what I expected.  It was more about what each has learned from their experiences and if they are moving forward.  Others gave some suggestions that may help.  It was not ex bashing or family bashing.  It was everyone realizing their part in how they got to where they were.  That was good to hear. 

     Starting back to  work has been a whirlwind...as usual.  I have my calendar of events filled up through the end of February, already.  I have started working ahead on some things so that it is more evenly spread out and I can have time for myself.

     My eating change is going well.  And I actually slept 8 hours straight last night.  That is a major thing right there!  I am still working on incorporating more movement in to my days.  Any extra is a plus for me. 

     I am trying to mentally prepare myself for having another person in the house.  I really do not see any other options for my son.  But it will be a lot to deal with.   He is a very deep feeling/emotional person and it will take a lot of me to support him.  However, I cannot let his situations derail me from taking care of me, either. 

    It is a real dance on the edge of that volcano.

Backing It Up and Taking Another Route

    I am not sure what it was that brought this all up in my head.  I was trying to get the coffee together this morning and get my shower before sitting down at my computer for my first day back to work.  I was filling in my calendar of things I have to do and I remembered the letter to the ex sitting on the bar in my kitchen.  I was thinking about when I could mail it. Then...something began to flutter in my head and...

     I am NOT mailing that letter!  I feel good that I wrote it and the kids read it and they are glad to see me putting it all behind me but...would he care?  Or, most importantly, would it matter?  He is a narcissist.  When the kids tell him what they think about something and it is to put him back in his place, he will always say that I turned them against him.  He will always think that I am heart broken about losing him and jealous of whomever he is with and that I am trying to break them up.  He thinks quite a lot of himself that way.  AND if I send him that letter, he may view it as an olive branch...that I want us to be 'friends' and it will give him the idea that the door is open and we are 'joined'. 

     Nope.  TJ agreed with me. Bethany said it could be true and it may not matter if I send it.  TJ said that if it made me feel good to write it, then just let that be it.  And I am.  Done.  No letter sent. 

    Susan told me to not just throw it away but burn it because it would feel better.  But, you know...I really do not have that knot of anger anymore.  I can throw it away and forget it.  Silence is the best option.  NOW I feel better. 

     I am trying not to feel too anxious.  My calendar for work is filling up fast and I had to plot out a plan and I will need to stick to it if things are all going to get done on time.  Progress reports, IEPs, class plans....at least the first week back is testing week so I have some extra time to work on some things.  By the end of the week they will be dumping newly enrolled students in our laps and my dance card is pretty full already. 

     I counted...52 SCHOOL days until Spring Break.  Then we have a week of school followed by 3 weeks of state testing.  After State Testing we have almost a month of what I like to refer to as 'no man's land'.  The teachers let up on the class time and lessons and I am working with kids to salvage their 2nd semester grade.  There's Middle school meetings and school outings.  It could be fun.

     I also will need to decide of I am putting my house up for sale and moving somewhere else.  I think I am going to apply to a brick and mortar school system up where Susan works.  I probably stand a rat's ass of a chance of getting hired only because brick and mortar school systems think that online teachers don't do anything except monitor whether or not students do their work. 

    To quote Ricky Gervais, "I don't care."

Lost Baggage

It is curious how God works on me.  He has revealed things to me in phases.  He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.

As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something.  I had been waiting all of this time for vindication.  I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me.  AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen.  What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that?  Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking. 

Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen.  God was telling me, "You have to let it go.  What you feel that you need will never happen."  It isn't news.  However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him.  He really is not the person I had assumed he was.  And it wasn't just him.  It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others.  I had just never really realized. 

My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives.  For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc.  I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others.  It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in  our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude.  We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord.  It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others.  It is what I am used to.  It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing.  No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference. 

TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family. 

So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were  just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together. 

I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus.   What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix. 

Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life?  It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.

Don't get me wrong.  A Narcissist is a  narcissist.  However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.

He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions.  Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place.  He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it.  He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him.  None of that is my concern.  I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore. 

I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go.  I am not feeling that knot of anger in me.  I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting.  I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment. 

I have a goal for my year.  My goal is to tune in to myself.  I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally.  Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise. 

Here's to a positive 2020. 

Swing Like a Chandelier

   I had my first shocker.  The 'kids' had a day with dad and his female roommate.  They went bowling and out to dinner.  I am happy they had a good time with him for once.  But then it happened...SHE had a picture taken of all of them together with something about spending time with family.  I didn't mind what she put but it was a bit of a shock to see a picture of my family with  her standing where I always stood in the pictures.

   She messaged me with how she know it is hard to see someone else with the man I had been married to for 25 years and that they loved each other.  She also said she would never try to take my place with my kids.

   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I messaged her back and told her I had no problem with him having someone else in his life because him divorcing me was a blessing.  He put me through enough.  And I certainly wasn't worried about her taking my place with my kids because I am their mom and they love me.  I dislike HIM for the way he treated me in the end.  I told her it would be nice if he had grown up and knew how to be in love and good luck with that.  She had to message back that they had been open and honest with each other and he had shown her all emails and text messages.  I just said 'sure'.

    I.do.not.care.  BLOCK.  I have to get used to the pictures now too.

    I was stupid and called my older sister to say something about the picture and what a sort of shock it was.  Her reply was, "that's what happens with divorce.  Oh well."

   A "I'm sorry, I know that must have been difficult."  would have been nice.  Again, I am insane to think that I would get even a bit of fake empathy from any of my family.   I know it has been 5 years but I am not sure it ever really gets easier.  I can sort of understand why people get addicted to drugs.  They take them to numb the pain.  I am sick of it coming back and hitting me in the middle of the chest.  I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if he hadn't moved to Kansas...if I had had to put up with his presence all of the time.

   I have wondered if it would make things easier to have someone else in my life.  Someone that really cared about me.  I have hid and put off trying to mix and mingle until I felt sure my damage was behind me but now I am feeling that if I wait for that I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.  I really feel like the damage will never be behind me.

   I love my kids but I almost feel like I wish that I had stuck to my original plan and never gotten married.  But you can't go through life and totally avoid the bad feelings.  It would mean you would never care about anyone or anything.  Ever.

    I can feel my insides curling up and turning sour.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Gather up the sunshine and push it to the top.  Sometimes it seems like such a struggle.

Draft time

  I have been going crazy trying to find any little crack or crevice where cold air is sneaking.  I may keep the weather stripping makers in business. 

     I sit here staring at my lighted Christmas tree wondering why I even put it up.  It is me.  I don't think Lucy would care if I had put it up.  It is just something I have to take back down and put away.

     Each school year I find myself dragging a just a bit more.  I am SO thankful I work at home.  Yet, I also realize that it can be a bad thing.  I am afraid I would become a recluse.  Winter, however, is a pretty bad time for me.  SAD.  Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I have a special light but I never noticed any difference.  I go through the winter feeling totally drained.    My muscles hurt.  I think it is a combination of SAD and fibromyalgia. 

     My friend Debbie (one of two Debbies.  so this is Debbie B) messaged me about attending Celebrate Recovery last night. She worries that I am going to be that recluse.  She has been after me about me recovering from mental and emotional abuse.  I was rather shocked when she hit me with that.  I told her I feel that I have worked through most of that and am just stuck at forgiving for how he ended it with me. She jumped on that with both feet. "He made you feel like insignificant.  You are filled with resentment.  You feel like you were stabbed in the back."  hhhmmmmm....well...I am not FILLED with resentment but the stab in the back part.  I just looked at her a minute and said, "He's moved on with another woman and lots of man toys and a big beautiful house and..." "You feel betrayed!  You feel like you got the short end of the stick!"  "noooot really.  I don't care about the house or the woman.  I am fine.  That is who he is.  I do not mind NOT having part of any of that because it would mean having to have him in my life." "But it still must feel like you were betrayed." Again, a moment of silent astonishment.  Why is she trying to make this in to something?  No.

So I gave it one more try.  "The only thing that bothers me is how he treated me...like I was a one night stand that he regretted. And I know it is his make up but does that mean he should be let off the hook?  However, I have to figure out a way to not let that twist me up for the rest of my life."  "You need to come to Recovery!  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to!  Just be around your friends and listen!"

Oh yay.  Listen to whine.  I am trying NOT to whine anymore.  However, the part about being around friends sounded nice.  I know my other friend...the other Debbie (P)...goes to get over HER divorce.  Debbie B is trying to pull herself out of a downward spiral of depression from working at a drug rehab facility for many many years.

BUT....last night was cold and I was tired and under a throw blanket...and it was SO easy to talk myself out of it.   Nothing seems to be stronger than a lack of motivation.  Stay behind me and you can draft in my wake.

And then the bough breaks

    My ex once told me that it felt like I was always on the other side of a wall.  Once he voiced that I tried to let go and open up and FEEL. 

     I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless.  Relationships  end. 

     My marriage ended.  Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out.  I don't mind the divorce.  I was honest with myself.  It was the way it was ended that upended me.  But one cannot be  martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing.  He could not have made that more clear.  I was not anything special.

     I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals.  He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs.  He's done that all of his life.

    Losing other relationships is hard too.  I understand why sometimes they end.  Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them.  Also, as people go through these events, it changes them.  It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship. 

    No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me.  Unfortunately, it affects my depression.  I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first.  I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled.  I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile. 

    My son  is floundering also.  It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly.  I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous.  He was packing to come here last weekend.  They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide.  I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order.  I gave him a list.   He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas.  His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days.  TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2.  I am not sure how long he will stay.

     He is also struggling with employment.  It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April.  This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are.  And you can't.  I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life. 

     Reset your life.  That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life.  Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME.  There is no time to fall apart.  You have to be strong for those around you.  You have to be true to yourself.  And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away.  It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.

     There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.

Running on Empty

I sometimes feel like my body is going to shut down.  I have to talk to myself...urge myself to just hang in there a bit longer....pray for strength. 

So many things going on around me...trying to quickly get things fixed up in the house for a showing...put it up for sale.  Trying to sort, rid out...while traveling for testing...hold extra help session classes for my kids...getting a refi going on the mortgage...quit claim deed....

I came across something surprising.  It says in the divorce agreement that if I sell the house before I get the mortgage refinanced under just my name, then he gets 40% of the profits from the sale of the house.  But if I refi, he gets nothing.  I also have to get the quit claim deed done...that the lawyer missed doing during the divorce.  Now ASS II is trying to lay some guilt on me because he wants money. 

I have to gather things together to complete the refi.  I have to gather things together to get my new Intervention Specialist teaching license...and that is $200.

I stripped the diningroom floor and refinished it.  It is still not great...I need to redo the middle of it. 

There is a list of small things here and there that need to be done also. 

Had a showing of the house (off the record) and they hit me with an offer that was insulting.  It was for less than what ASS II and I paid for the house when WE bought it.

This weekend is the community garage sale.  I have to get ready for that because I need to clear more stuff out of the house. 

It is the end of the school year.  There is a lot to do.  My head is spinning.

And there are not really many houses up in NE Ohio that are in my price range of what I can afford on my salary.  ASS II makes 2.5 times what I make and he is trying to guilt me into giving HIM money.  He has shown me way too many times that he couldn't care less about me and what happens to me.  I have to take care of me.  And I will.  I am following the Divorce Agreement that he read ahead of time, just like I did...and he agreed to it.  I need all the money I can get for a down payment,.  He said he wants to be able to buy a house too but he has no money saved for a down payment.  And why not???  He has a 'roommate'  with a job who should be paying half of the rent, etc.  Not my fault he had to have a big fancy truck or jet skis...and likes to spend money like water to impress his friends.  I cut off my satellite service so save a few bucks...switched cell phone services to save a few bucks...you name it.

I was the one that has done the work on this house: painting...backsplash...stripping...staining...electrical work...rescreening...my money...my time...my blood and sweat...I paid for the gutter covers (that was not cheap!).  So much I have done.

I even have to fix some of the stuff he did. 

He did not mind divorcing me and cutting me loose after I lost my job...and wanted me to sell the house...and the kids were still living here and I had the 3 dogs.  Nope....no money. 

For all of the things he has put me through over the years...drug addiction...bankruptcy...identity theft...choosing to spend his free time with his friends instead of at home with his family....he can kiss my ass.

I am worn out and just want some peace.  And I am tired of being lonely.  So tired of it.  Married to him for 25 years before this and I was lonely then.  I never got married to be alone.  I did everything for him and made his life just too easy and then he treats me like that.  I was an idiot.  But I will not be an idiot this time around. 

This is too Bitter...Pass the Sugar

I will not go into the whole Christmas vacation thing.  I got to see Max, the kids got to have their dinner with their dad and meet the new woman.  The kids are sort of iffy about her. Bethany says it is too soon...she thinks the woman is too quick to rush in and embrace everyone and it makes her want to back away.  I get that because I am like that.  TJ said the woman acts a little too High Schoolish but at least she seems like a decent person and if this is the best that his dad can do and it works for him then he will accept it.

The weird part of it was that part of Douche's family contacted me afterward to make sure it is okay with ME that they get to know her....weird.  They said they felt as if they are betraying me.  I had to give them the talk..."he is related to you.  I am not his wife...she has not done anything wrong and you should get to know her."  I get that some of them like me more than they do him but...I view this as the thing that will allow them to let go of me.

I had an epiphany tonight...that I AM alone here...and I am not saying that in a depressing way.  What I am getting at is, I am alone...not connected to anyone and I do not have to 'worry' about what anyone thinks about what I do or how it will impact someone else.  Within reason.  I am free to do what I need to do or want to do ...for me.  No one else.  This is a new revelation.  For the first time in 27 years, I do not have to be just THE MOM...or someone's wife.

So, to that end.  I get up every day and read some Bible, then do a 10 minute deep breathe/relax/prayer session.  I get up, exercise for about 10-15 minutes, do the Bible meditation, eat breakfast then begin work.  I am feeling better.  This morning's bible reading was Colossians Chapter 3.  I won't quote but verses 8 and 13 are what I really needed and I will be focused on them for the week.

Ironically, the last class I have to start this Monday is all about writing IEPs.  yep..great timing.  I am hoping homework will be easy.  At the same time, I am learning how to do progress reports and I have 11 days to finish them all.  Some of them will be easier than others.  The ones at the end of semester 2 will be easier because they did not tell us what we needed to keep notes about.  Now I know and I will keep notes.  For these progress reports I have to pour through their course work and what notes I did keep to fill in progress and how many classes they attended.

Ugh...always something.  I will never get time to write my book.

It's a New Day

So far...I feel how I feel.  That feeling is over.  I went through the jumble of emotional swamp and now...it has been replaced. 

It is hard to describe.  I came to the realization that I have been keeping myself  from doing what I need to do for myself and moving forward because I have been stuck.  He was always there in my head and he would remind me he was still there.  I would hear the narrative.  I could not believe anything good about myself. 

Then it slowly occurred to me.  Like one of those spiral light bulbs that gets slowly brighter the longer it is on...he is GONE.  I mean...really gone.  He has someone in his life and he no longer NEEDS me to make him feel better.  He no longer turns to me for his support system.  Christmas will come and go and he will not be here to judge me and the house...leave with a pile of negative comments.  I...am....FREE! 

This feeling is like having back pain every day.  You get used to having to move a certain way, and you steel yourself for the pain you are going to feel as you get out of bed or try to do certain activities.  Then, one day...it is suddenly gone.  You keep testing yourself because you are not really believing it is gone. 

Yes, I realize I just compared him to a constant pain.  It fits.  But it is as if someone lifted a boulder off my chest.  I can breathe freely.  I started exercising again because I actually WANTED to!  Go figure.  I feel good! 

Now that the main source of my anxiety is gone, perhaps I will find myself not sitting in the chair in front of the TV so much feeling immobile. 

While there still is a bit of his judgment in the back of my brain still...I realize that I am in a place in my life, right now, that I am comfortable with.  I do not have a need, at this time, to have someone new in my life.  I am busy with my job and doing things around the house that need doing.  And if I get a moment of my own, I have many books I want to read.  There is the exercise that I will be doing daily.  Hopefully I will reap many benefits from that...beside weight loss.  It always makes my lower back feel better...it only takes one day of exercise to obtain that.  It was great to wake up this morning without the pain and not walk funny for the first few minutes after I get out of bed.

And the eye doctor gave me some contacts to wear so that I can just wear reading glasses at the computer.  I have not worn contacts in way over a year.  I have seldom worn them in the last few years because they just were not comfortable and the level of clear sight I got from them was disappointing.  But my older sister and my daughter were both raving about these accuvue oasis contacts so I am trying them now and I can see why they like them.  I can see!  No more wearing those glasses all the time!  That also makes me feel better about my looks.  In fact, I looked in the mirror and realized the only thing I am not liking so much about what I see is that I am overweight. And I am working on that.  It may take me a while but I am feeling better so hopefully the exercise thing will continue. 

I Feel How I Feel

I have been there for my kids.  Always.  Put my feelings and personal comfort aside for them. 

I am having a melt down.  and it has to do with my ex.  And it isn't because he is dating.  It is NOT the dating.  It is the stuff that came out of it.  The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now?  If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him.  Nothing.  No respect for me.  He got mad but...I really don't give a crap.  This is MY life and he no reason to be in it.  It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you  and want us to be friends."  What a maroon.    It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect.  He will never get it. 

And my kids lied to me about it.  They said, "he told us not to tell you."  And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied.  for him.  I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what.  And THAT is why I hurt.

But no one understands why I am so upset.  And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.

And you know what....

I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling.  THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS!   WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED???  WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?

Now.  I am doing that now.  I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks.  I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it.  I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt.  Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself.  Obviously no one else is.

Off to the Races

This has been a very 'interesting' week.

It began with Mr. Ex coming into town last Wednesday morning.  He asked if he could stop and see Bethany, take a nap and get some coffee.  It was a 12 hour drive for him, which turned into something longer because of a major 2 hour back up due to some accident on the freeway.  He ended up pulling over in a store parking lot and falling asleep for an hour.

Since I am not heartless I allowed it.  I was going to give them the grill so that Bethany, Jordan, and perhaps TJ and Brittany could have dinner with him.  Then he could take off to his mom's.  I was going to go to Trivia with my Meetup group.  But that is not how it turned out.

Jordan was too tired after work and said he did not feel well.  So, he didn't come.  Then TJ said he had a Dr's appt after work and it would be too late if he came plus he had to be up for work at 4:30 a.m.  AND Brittany was working late.  I was too tired to go to Trivia myself and planned on just cooking myself something so he and Bethany could go out to dinner.  He insisted that I go with them.  Since he was being Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice, I went.  Then the tornado sirens started going off.  It turned into a night of tornado watch as it headed for our town.  He was not going anywhere.  The tornado touched down in the town east of us (what a mess) then took a turn and headed into the town north of us. The all clear did not happen until close to midnight.

I slept on the mattress for my new bed by putting it in the bedroom/office at the end of the hall.  I let him sleep on the huge brick of a bed in my bedroom that he is taking back to Kansas with him.  My new bed may be smaller but I don't have to climb up into it AND it is ever so much more comfortable.

He came back Monday.  Monday night.  My parents had gone to a community garage sale and bought me a snow blower.  I am not sure why they have always worried about this and been insistent on me having a snow blower.  But, they got Mr. Ex to stop at their place before he came back and pick it up for me and bring it back.  My mother told me the next day that since she hadn't been around him in a while, she had forgotten about this but now knows what I mean by him making you feel irritated.  She says he is a different individual who just can't seem to help himself and leaves you feeling irritated.

I liken him to this:  it is like having a constant pain that you can't seem to get rid of so you learn to live with it and over time, it has become such a natural part of your daily life you don't really notice that it is there...but your mind knows.  Then one day, miraculously, the pain is gone.  You know something is different but you don't really notice.  You just know that you are more relaxed and things are not so difficult.  THEN...suddenly, one day, that pain returns. What is this tightness in your chest...the knot in your stomach...the choking down a scream?  OH! Wow...I had forgotten what that feels like!

With his Monday return, he is not Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice anymore because, well...he has not changed and he could not pretend forever.  He is back to Mr. Grumble and Complain about everything.

I took Max to the dog groomer to get his nails clipped in anticipation of his trip to his new home in Kansas.  Max jumped up into the front seat beside me, like he used to.  Sitting there all big and important like my co-pilot.  I cried most of the way home from the dog groomers and feeling a deep pain of hatred towards Mr. Ex for bringing so much sorrow and change into my life.

I hadn't been home very long (Mr. Ex had gone out to lunch with our son) and Bethany came in from the hair salon.  She was on the phone with her bf.  When she hung up she said, "our August apartment is ready NOW.  We have to see it Thursday but if it is good, we can get started moving in...already."

I lost it.  Too many changes all at once.  I was preparing myself for her moving out, but not NOW.  It wasn't long before Mr. Ex and TJ came in the door. Bethany told her dad about moving out, he saw me in the family room cleaning something (that's what I do when I am upset) and started to say something to me.  I was holding a big scrub brush.  I looked at him and said, "you really do not want to be talking to me right now." and it came out sounding like a hiss!  He just turned on his heel and went back outside.

He and TJ and Bethany loaded the couch in the family room to take to TJ's.  I bought them a cover for it.  It was an extra and a steel frame couch.  The one they had was falling apart....very cheap.  I figure this way, they get a couch and I have one less thing to get rid of myself in anticipation of moving.    I had also found them this great coffee table that the top lifts up on it and locks into place like a table.  So, they loaded that into the back of Mr. Ex's truck too.  Then Bethany hopped into the truck with them and away they went.

I pulled myself together and went on a first date with a new guy.  He seems nice.  He seems to really like ME.  He trains and races horses (harness racing).  He loves his job.  Everyone should find something they like.  Not a swear word out of his mouth.  He even insisted on saying a prayer before our meal.  He likes to do just about anything.  He has a great, happy attitude about life.  Not a bad looking guy!  He looks a bit older than me but he is younger.  It is mainly the gray hair but he is not bad looking.  Before I left the restaurant, he wanted to lock down a date for Thursday night.  He will be leaving town for harness racing in KY for about a week but he wanted to get one more date in before he left.   So, we are going to a movie.

I remember doing one of those weird quizzes that mean nothing on FB a few months ago.  It was supposed to foretell what will happen in your life within the next year.  It told me I would have a new home and someone new in my life.  I am thinking I may have someone new in my life but I may not be moving. If he turns out to be someone pretty great, I will hang here.  My mother will be disappointed but she will learn to live with it.  BUT I am getting way ahead of the game.

My boss was going over our year end evaluations.  She sent me an email asking me if I was taking the Intervention Specialist classes because this is something I really want to do eventually (silly question?). She said, if I want, she can talk to Johna (head of the Special Ed department). I could possibly get a temporary IS cert. until I can get my actual license next spring and I could work for our school as an IS next year.  It wouldn't really be any more money but I would view it as paid on the job training.  I told her she could talk to Johna and see if it is a possibility...then I would make up my mind.  I really like the job I am doing BUT I miss being a teacher.  If I do this on the job training with OHVA, it would be a year's experience then I could get hired for way more money somewhere else.

God is really taking me out of my comfort zone.  I wanted  peace and calm and stability.  I am getting the opposite.  Everything is in turmoil right now.

And today...I have EOY school stuff to do to batten down the hatches and help Mr. Ex load up some stuff so he can get his butt out of here. There is NO WAY he could have fit everything he needed to take into the 6 ft. bed of his truck.  I told him that he needed to rent a trailer BECAUSE, and I looked him in the eye and said, "When you take off out of here, this is the last time.  You divorced me and I cannot have you around.  It is painful and not fair to ME.  I need you to realize that you have to be gone.  So, if you don't get what you want now, I am just going to get rid of it myself."  It clicked with him and he agreed to rent a trailer.  So, this is it.  Gone.  The final send off.  Maybe he will find himself a gf.  Make more of an effort.  Move on...like he wanted to.

Odd how he was the one that initiated the divorce yet he kept one foot in my door.  He has always been one of those ppl that could not fully commit to a decision.  I always had to do it.  It drives me crazy to waffle on the fence.  I will just jump on one side or the other realizing it may not be the best decision but it is a decision.  And I could always do damage control later if I have to but at least I committed to something.  He couldn't even commit to a marriage. His whole life is indecision.  To tell you the truth, I think he would get back with me if I was the one to say, "We are going to work on this and put this back together."  And if you look at it, I was the one that really pulled the trigger on the divorce.  He said he wanted it but was not really doing anything about it.  I got the lawyer, got the papers drawn up, negotiated it out with him and set the court date and even picked his butt up at the hotel and took him to the courthouse.  If I had not done that, we may still be married.  And now, I have made the decision for him to leave out of here and not come back.  I have dealt with it in my own mind and while it will be different living without that pain in my arse, I will darned well get used to it because I have made a decision...a final decision...the gavel has come down and made it official.  Take his Grumbling and Complaining butt back to Kansas where he can do what he wants, when he wants and never have to worry about someone else messing it up.

oy.

IH8 PPL...or do I?

It has boiled beneath the surface most of the week.  That call from a week ago.

I have tried to ignore it but it pushed some stuff to the surface that I just didn't really want to be real about and deal with.  In the end, it forced me to shut the door and lock it for good.  I found my closure.

In summation...it was a crap marriage. Sure there were some spots of good feelings. Truthfully, though, it was FAMILY moments, not couple moments.

I guess it is time for me to face and embrace a different future than I had been envisioning.  After all, what I wanted never happened.  The only thing I feel sad about is spending so much of my life with him. Can't go back and have a do over so the best I can do is move forward and see what happens.

The weird part is now I feel like there is a whole big empty place that I do not know what to do with. A big place in my thinking that I need to fill because it was occupied by him...what was he doing, what does he need, how can I make him happy...that kind of junk.  Also, there was a lot of 'what is the matter with him?"  lol

So I guess I need to figure out what I can do with my free thinking time.  This means that I have to think about me.  wow.  I have forgot how to think about me so much.  I thought I WAS thinking about me but now I realize I do not know what I like to do!  I have no hobbies...no interests...I am boring!!!

I need an outside job or something.  A place where I am mixing and mingling with, gasp, other people.

True Colors

Today was not how I had planned.  It never is but today was even MORE unplanned.  First the sink started backing up.  So, I quickly took care of that then I noticed something wrong with the fridge.  The freezer...things were not so frozen.  Crap!  The condenser that I had replaced less than 2 years ago quit.  damn it!  So I started moving things down to the freezer in the basement and thankfully the weather is really cold so I put a lot of the food in the fridge in a box and took it out to the sunroom where it can be kept cold.

Then I took to the internet to consider my options.  I could have Sears repair come here and hook up another condenser (and that job takes the good portion of the day, it seems).  It would be cheaper than a new fridge.  BUT, if it turns out they don't have all the parts they need then it could mean ordering parts and waiting ...and there is only a 90 day warranty on the thing working!  If I remember correctly, last time they quoted me a price tag of close to $800.

So then, I look for fridge sales.  I found a fridge for $900.  Not exactly like the one I have now, slightly smaller and it is a side by side with the indoor water and ice dispenser.  Bethany and I use a lot of ice and drink a lot of water.  And since it is just the two of us a slightly smaller fridge could be okay.  The one I have now would be very costly to replace with an identical one.  The one I have has the freezer drawer on the bottom.  And the ice maker is inside.  I don't care about that but...I am not fixing this fridge again only to have it go up on me right before I sell the house.  My mom and dad have had the same side by side fridge for years with no problems. Sometimes new fangled is not necessarily better.  So, I took the plunge with the new fridge. There goes my Christmas bonus and my Christmas money from my parents...and then some.

The TV started acting up.  It does this blinking thing when you turn it on.  It will eventually quit but now is the time they are having TV sales too.  I don't want to wait until the TV finally takes a dump.  Didn't want the expense of another TV but ...I ordered one and now I have that to make payments on too.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Since I can't sleep, Bethany stayed up and talked with me until 4 a.m.  We had a good talk.  We got the air cleared about a lot of things.  One thing I have been feeling kind of crappy about it wondering how she feels when I talk about selling this place and moving back up north. She said it will be weird not having me around but she has had time to process it and it is not as if I am just leaving her abruptly. She has Jordan and they work things out pretty well.  I think TJ and Brit are going to be fine, also.  She said she will IM with me, phone me, text me, etc. like I do with TJ.  I will at least have a place for them to come take mini vacations.  It will be fine.

I realized I am in a holiday depression.  I have tried denying it but it is here.  I look at the tree and think about the family Christmases.  And remember the feeling it brought me.  But now it is different because I know that he didn't really love me and it puts a different color on it all.  I loved how Christmas was because he was always at his best.  There was music and traditions and anticipation.  When it came to an end I always had that expectation that there would be many more and one day, our kids would be married and we may have grandkids to share Christmas with....

But it is all different.  I hate that I am depressed by it.  It makes me feel weak.  Even though I know it is a process that everyone goes through.  I hate that my life with him was filled with so much change.

I grew up in the same home. Every year was the same thing.  Well...my parents expanded on Christmas through the years but it was still the same.  You knew what to expect.  With us the Christmas was in so many different places.  One Christmas we had the dread of our son's trial looming over our heads.  Because of a girl that wanted to find a way to put him in jail because she was angry that he had rejected her.

One Christmas we thought their dad was gone for good...drugged up on crack.  But he showed up right before Christmas and it was a mottled thrown together Christmas as it was.  I didn't have much money for presents so I did the best I could.

He tried to make up for it after that.  He bought them way more than they needed.  Looking back, now, I am not sure he was trying to make up for that or if he would have done it anyway because he likes to spend money at Christmas.

I cannot see what my future is going to be like.  I cannot see me with anyone else.  I imagine me alone.  I may like the person I found within me, again, but I don't know if I have a heart to share anymore.  Trust is such a delicate, fleeting thing.  I am not even sure I trust myself, let alone someone else.

I watched the last part of 'Serendipity" with Bethany.  I told her I loved that movie at one time because I believed in it.  Now I think it is a stupid story.

My perspective on life, in general, has changed.  Everything is a different color.

Deafening Quiet

I can't sleep.  Most nights.  I am exhausted.  I crawl into bed, read, then as my eyes start to close, I turn off the light and snuggle under the covers then it hits me.  My mind does a tour of this house.  From room to room.  Down the hallways.  There is nobody but me.

Bethany spends most of her time at work or at Jordan's.  It is just me.  Sure, there's 3 dogs.  But no other humans but me.

I think back to my youth, my much younger years.  I had many dates.  Many boyfriends.  How ironic that I ended up by myself. 

During the day, I am busy.  I don't notice my aloneness.  But at night...the emptiness mocks me.  It pokes at me.

It wasn't so long ago the kids had friends that came and practically stayed for the weekend.  The dinner table was full.  Now...I am here in this house...alone. 

I know I am not helping myself by being such a recluse.  I don't know why I can't make myself get out there. 

I hope that will change within me someday. 

My kids have a whole lifetime ahead of them.  They can have their own families.  Fill their homes. 

I could handle the empty nest syndrom if I wasn't doing it alone.  I was prepared for them leaving.  And I am good with 'him' gone.  I just didn't realize that 'alone' would be so difficult.

TJ and Brit dropped the purchase of the double wide manufactured home.  Too many things weren't working.  But they found a really nice 2 bdrm apartment to move into.  His dad is going to be in the area and is going to help do some moving.
So...there's that.  Yay. 

He is a stranger to me now.  25 years of marriage and 2 kids.  He's a stranger.  When it hits you that he never really cared...it alters everything.

Past My Bedtime

Right now I am hanging on for Dec. 9.  Why? That is when my big month long break between my 2nd and 3rd class begins.  I am only on week 4 of this class and already I want a break.

By Dec 9 there is no more yard work and I get a break from classes...so that when my 2 week Winter break hits guess what this girl is doing....NOTHING!!!  I will let the dogs in and out, feed them, and vacuum up after them.  There is also that pesky thing known as laundry but Bethany can help with that.  I am going to read a BOOK...paper.  No computer.  I am even going to limit my FB time.

I went to the eye doctor to get my eyes checked out really well, get new contacts and lenses for my frames.  I like my frames.  They are just the right  shape, color and just heavy duty enough.  I just needed new lenses.

I also had a concern with my left eye that the doctor needed to check out.  I have been find a little bit of a field of vision problem.  I was afraid of my retina detaching (I had a flashing light for few days in my peripheral vision...but it stopped) and there is something missing...just a very small, tiny bit.  I was worried about macular degeneration.  Well, I was partly right.  It is my macula...there is a tiny hole. The eye doctor said it is very tiny but it is what is causing me to find a very small missing bit.  If I am ready smaller print, and, for instance, I am looking at a 3 letter word, the middle letter is 2/3 missing.

She sent me home with a chart to use to monitor if the missing bit gets bigger or smaller. She said it COULD heal on its own.  But I have to visit her again in a month...and she will not charge me...so she can look at it to see if it has gotten any better or worse.  She said I would need to see a retina specialist and have a 3D image done of the inside of my eye then they may decide to repair it with laser surgery, if it needs to be fixed.

I am praying for healing.  I can't afford the surgery.

My mother had a scare with skin cancer.  But it turned out that they caught it soon enough to burn it all out.  But she is deaf in her left ear now.  Something about a nerve...*sigh*

I have had to do some hustling this week for my classwork.  I have to observe an IEP meeting and submit a paper about it.  It is due this Sunday and every IEP meeting I was ok'd to sit in on turned out it wasn't going to happen because the parents could not be reached.  I FINALLY found an IS that was having one tomorrow and she got the parents' ok .  So WHEW!  I also have had to scrape up an IS I can work with to do some work with some kids on intervention techniques.

I wouldn't mind working on these projects then writing the papers about it and handing them in except that we still have 2 chapters to read a week and write a discussion piece then read everyone else's and comment on them, plus we have a unit of another thing to read every week and do an assessment.

I keep getting new student cases to work with on my job.  Each day Holly feeds me another 2-3 students.  I am thankful to One Note!  It keeps me organized.  I am keeping on top of all of these students right now.  Of course, it helps that 2 of my cases are on their way to withdrawal and 2 more I am waiting for the Special Education department to test them to make sure their disabilities do not have anything to do with them not doing their lessons.  Once they decide that is not the case, then I can dig in and bring the hammer down.

I also have 4 students that I am basically keeping track of how many days they have until I can hand them over to the Truancy officer and have them shoved out the 'door'.  They will not communicate with the teacher or me, they are not logging their students in and the students are not doing lessons.  So...bye.

I have a few that have decided that following school requirements is better than fighting the state over truancy.

And tomorrow (actually, today, now) I have To Do List for my job, I have the IEP meeting, lawn mowing, vacuuming, and my classwork to do.

Oh...and before Douchebag the Magnificent left town, he had handed me checks for the kids' bday this month.  Just checks.  Tuesday night I checked my personal email and found an email from him and he asked me if I was buying Bethany a card (to put his name on and his check in) or if he should send her a card?  REALLY???  Why in God's name would I buy a card FOR HIM to be given to her?  I just answered,"I was just going to give her the check"  Today I found an email from him that said, "You can buy a card or I could send it or you can just give her the check."  I did not reply.  I had already given him my answer.  If he wants to send her a card, he should do that.  If he is too feckin lazy to get her one, so be it.  I am not his momma.  And I do NOT want to communicate with the douche.  He has never had any respect for me so why the hell would I held him out?  BITE ME!

Okay...I got that out of my system.  Time to get some sleep.  I also have to find some time to do my exercising.  I have been doing it every day for the last 4 days and I am making myself do it  I kinda have to now because I am signed up in this weight loss online medical thing paid for by my employer and my hospitalization.  We have to log our exercise every day and keep track of our weight once a week.  We are in an online group once a week.  My group meets on Tuesdays at 6 pm.  I have to do something.  I have worked on finding myself esteem and grit.  Now I need to work on finding my thinner body again.  It will never be as thin as I was in my 20's but it can be closer to it.  I have 75 pounds to lose.  Yep...75.  If I wanted to be where I was in my 20's I would have 95 pounds to lose.  I am not trying that.  LOL

What A Week

I did it.  I finished the paver patio.  Well, the main part is done and I got the firepit set.  I still need to put a brick edging around the patio to make it look nicer but that can wait until Fall...when the heat goes away.  It has been way too blessedly hot and humid.

It still has a lot of sand on the pavers but it there was a day of heavy downpours the next day  and it pretty much washed them off.  The grass in my back yard is dead now because of the high heat and many many days of no rain.   And this needs an outdoor couch or some outdoor chairs.  I have to put some gravel around the firepit.

Troy is on his way here in his new truck and hauling his old car to give to Bethany.  He will drop it and take off to his mom's for a few days.  He is also stopping to meet some woman he met online who lives in Cleveland.  She is in her 50s, is a divorcee and is very nice looking.  A blonde with big blue eyes.  At first I felt something not nice but I wasn't sure what it was.  Jealousy?  Hurt?  What?
Then I realized it was a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because he seems to be meeting other women but I am meeting no one. Once I decided what I was feeling this bad feeling about, I was okay.

To tell you the truth, I really do NOT see him settling down with another woman.  He likes his freedom too much right now.  He may change his mind about it at some point.  I just know that I would like a companion so I am not feeling so lonely.  However, once I sell this house and move closer to my family and other friends, I may not care.  I do like my freedom, too.

I am actually relieved to realize that I don't care if he has someone else in his life.  I know I don't love him.  I have made my peace with the fact that he and I never belonged together.  And it is best this way.  He is just an ass about how he does things.  He will never change.  He doesn't think things through.

Beyond all of that...

Work was busy and hectic.  Next week will be a short week for me and I really won't have all that much to do.  I have Thursday and Friday for vacation days before the wedding.  Then the Monday after the wedding I will be starting my classes for Intervention Specialist.  I am NOT looking forward to another year of college classes but it has to be done if I want a better paying teaching job.  If I was still married to Troy, I would just keep the job I have and be happy with it.  But, I have to make better money.

My son is getting married.  wow.

Standing Solid

All my ranting and raving/wailing and gnashing of teeth.  2 years of it.  Over.  Really over.   Last night some REAL finally seeped in.  And all because of the purchase of a truck.

I did not buy a truck...Troy did.  He called me and told me about it because he is giving our daughter his old car.  And his old car is  NICE one.  She is thrilled.

I listened to him and I realized something...it was crystal clear:  I would not choose him.  NOW, in my old age wisdom, I know that I would not choose him  In fact, I don't know how I would have ever met him.  My oldest sister is right...had I not gone with her to that bar for her birthday, we would have never met.  And my life (and his) would not have started on a miserable journey for the next 27 years.

He and I never belonged together and we ended up making each other unhappy because of it.  I was lonely all of that time.

And what really made me get that was he was telling me about the stuff he does with his friends.  He has told me about his friends and they are the same type of friends he had when I met him....they just had more money.  He told me he wanted a different life when I met him.  What I was too dumb to know is what he really wanted was the same friends BUT with more money.  He likes the drunken, foul mouthed friends.  I don't mean to make that sound like I am looking down my nose but they are just not what I was raised around,  He was.  I am uncomfortable with that but he loves it.  Ergo...he and I never belonged together.

So, throughout the course of listening to him, I realized that that horrible feeling I had in my chest was a mixture of jealousy and resentment.  Jealous because he has all of this money and can afford to just go out and buy another vehicle.  I can't...at least not at this time.  Resentment because I spent a lot of years taking care of him and a family and then I get to start at the bottom of the pay scale again.  
THEN I also realized that I was basically dishonoring God because He has taken care of me.  I have a job I love and things have been working out okay.  Things will continue to get better.  My job does not pay much, which is the downside.  But when the time is right, I will move on and up and find a better paying position.  Perhaps a really nice guy will come along and I can have a decent relationship.  He doesn't have to make a lot of money.  As long as he makes as much as I am now it will be good.

I am sad that Troy and I spent so many years making each other unhappy.  But, it is time gone and I have 2 pretty great kids.  I had a wonderful wonderful life with them.  Troy missed out on a lot of that.  He was too busy spending his time with the friends he thought were a good time.

Priorities.

And Troy stuck around to support his family.  He did a good job.  He is not a monster.  It is just that he made us all suffer for his unhappiness.  ALL of us.  But that is over.

On to a shiny new day.  As I said, things will get better.  I just get impatient to meet my new 'someone'.  Hope he isn't too far down the road!