Standing Solid

All my ranting and raving/wailing and gnashing of teeth.  2 years of it.  Over.  Really over.   Last night some REAL finally seeped in.  And all because of the purchase of a truck.

I did not buy a truck...Troy did.  He called me and told me about it because he is giving our daughter his old car.  And his old car is  NICE one.  She is thrilled.

I listened to him and I realized something...it was crystal clear:  I would not choose him.  NOW, in my old age wisdom, I know that I would not choose him  In fact, I don't know how I would have ever met him.  My oldest sister is right...had I not gone with her to that bar for her birthday, we would have never met.  And my life (and his) would not have started on a miserable journey for the next 27 years.

He and I never belonged together and we ended up making each other unhappy because of it.  I was lonely all of that time.

And what really made me get that was he was telling me about the stuff he does with his friends.  He has told me about his friends and they are the same type of friends he had when I met him....they just had more money.  He told me he wanted a different life when I met him.  What I was too dumb to know is what he really wanted was the same friends BUT with more money.  He likes the drunken, foul mouthed friends.  I don't mean to make that sound like I am looking down my nose but they are just not what I was raised around,  He was.  I am uncomfortable with that but he loves it.  Ergo...he and I never belonged together.

So, throughout the course of listening to him, I realized that that horrible feeling I had in my chest was a mixture of jealousy and resentment.  Jealous because he has all of this money and can afford to just go out and buy another vehicle.  I can't...at least not at this time.  Resentment because I spent a lot of years taking care of him and a family and then I get to start at the bottom of the pay scale again.  
THEN I also realized that I was basically dishonoring God because He has taken care of me.  I have a job I love and things have been working out okay.  Things will continue to get better.  My job does not pay much, which is the downside.  But when the time is right, I will move on and up and find a better paying position.  Perhaps a really nice guy will come along and I can have a decent relationship.  He doesn't have to make a lot of money.  As long as he makes as much as I am now it will be good.

I am sad that Troy and I spent so many years making each other unhappy.  But, it is time gone and I have 2 pretty great kids.  I had a wonderful wonderful life with them.  Troy missed out on a lot of that.  He was too busy spending his time with the friends he thought were a good time.

Priorities.

And Troy stuck around to support his family.  He did a good job.  He is not a monster.  It is just that he made us all suffer for his unhappiness.  ALL of us.  But that is over.

On to a shiny new day.  As I said, things will get better.  I just get impatient to meet my new 'someone'.  Hope he isn't too far down the road!