Draft time

  I have been going crazy trying to find any little crack or crevice where cold air is sneaking.  I may keep the weather stripping makers in business. 

     I sit here staring at my lighted Christmas tree wondering why I even put it up.  It is me.  I don't think Lucy would care if I had put it up.  It is just something I have to take back down and put away.

     Each school year I find myself dragging a just a bit more.  I am SO thankful I work at home.  Yet, I also realize that it can be a bad thing.  I am afraid I would become a recluse.  Winter, however, is a pretty bad time for me.  SAD.  Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I have a special light but I never noticed any difference.  I go through the winter feeling totally drained.    My muscles hurt.  I think it is a combination of SAD and fibromyalgia. 

     My friend Debbie (one of two Debbies.  so this is Debbie B) messaged me about attending Celebrate Recovery last night. She worries that I am going to be that recluse.  She has been after me about me recovering from mental and emotional abuse.  I was rather shocked when she hit me with that.  I told her I feel that I have worked through most of that and am just stuck at forgiving for how he ended it with me. She jumped on that with both feet. "He made you feel like insignificant.  You are filled with resentment.  You feel like you were stabbed in the back."  hhhmmmmm....well...I am not FILLED with resentment but the stab in the back part.  I just looked at her a minute and said, "He's moved on with another woman and lots of man toys and a big beautiful house and..." "You feel betrayed!  You feel like you got the short end of the stick!"  "noooot really.  I don't care about the house or the woman.  I am fine.  That is who he is.  I do not mind NOT having part of any of that because it would mean having to have him in my life." "But it still must feel like you were betrayed." Again, a moment of silent astonishment.  Why is she trying to make this in to something?  No.

So I gave it one more try.  "The only thing that bothers me is how he treated me...like I was a one night stand that he regretted. And I know it is his make up but does that mean he should be let off the hook?  However, I have to figure out a way to not let that twist me up for the rest of my life."  "You need to come to Recovery!  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to!  Just be around your friends and listen!"

Oh yay.  Listen to whine.  I am trying NOT to whine anymore.  However, the part about being around friends sounded nice.  I know my other friend...the other Debbie (P)...goes to get over HER divorce.  Debbie B is trying to pull herself out of a downward spiral of depression from working at a drug rehab facility for many many years.

BUT....last night was cold and I was tired and under a throw blanket...and it was SO easy to talk myself out of it.   Nothing seems to be stronger than a lack of motivation.  Stay behind me and you can draft in my wake.