Caught In My Brain

 I am definitely a product of my parents.  My mother has anxiety and needs to have control over things.  Since she learned to let go of trying to control what her kids do (I must have been quite the disappointment when I moved back here because she was expecting someone she would have to take care of and I refused to let her do it) she has put herself into the outdoors around her.  I won't even get in to that.  I will say, her need to 'prove' her worth has caused her to neglect her physical and put too much strain on her shoulder replacement and now it looks like she will need a new one.

My father has dark moods.  They will come out of nowhere and he refuses to interact with anyone...and it is best if you don't try to make him, either.  He doesn't get physically violent (although I have seen him snap and throw things a few times) but he is surly in his conversation and says things that can be hurtful.  On the other hand, when a problem presents itself, he will roll it around in his head and look it over, consult books, etc, until he comes up with a solution. Once he is engaged in that, let him go.

I have my mother's anxiety but have learned to step back from my kids' lives.  It was easier with Bethany because she and Jordan showed me a long time ago that they can work together and solve things together.  They plan and implement the plan. With my son, he has been more needy.  I enabled that.  I admit it.  He had a problem and instead of letting him figure it out, I jumped in and took over.  I was always worried about his stress/anxiety level and afraid he would regress into panic attacks.  He is doing okay now.  And, with each thing he learns to do on his own, it is having the opposite effect...he is gaining confidence and losing some anxiety.  Really, I should have realized that would happen but...I just couldn't seem to let go.  

I am pouring myself into my work and my home again.  I am finding time for friends around me...even in this time of COVID.  I passed my first class on Auditory Processing Disorder with a 100% A+.  I am working on another class that is in it's second of 3 phases.  I passed the first phase with 100%.  

I had to replace a shut off valve on the toilet in my main bathroom.  I happened to have bought one because I had noticed that it wouldn't shut off and I knew I had to replace the inside working of the toilet tank. Then it suddenly started dripping profusely all over the floor a week later.  So, there I was, with wrenches taking it apart and putting the new one on.  My dad came the next day and replaced the tank parts for me while I was working.  He didn't seem to mind and neither did my mom.  He got out of the house, was busy and my mom got some time to herself as well.  I am glad I am useful.  LOL  When foraging in the basement for my Christmas decorations I found a surprise. When I came back from TJ's when I went to see the new home, I brought back some rubbermaid storage boxes that I have leant them to pack and move.  I put them in the basement.  It so happens they were beneath my main bathroom, right below where the toilet sits. And when the shut off valve flooded the floor and the water leaked through the floor around the toilet, it all fell inside the empty storage box.  If that box hadn't been there, they water would have been all over my basement floor.

Back to my classes...they have projects that have to be put together.  I read all of the assignments and see what will be expected then I roll it around in my head for a while until I come up with something that will satisfy my class project AND I can use with my students as I make lessons. That way, I am not doing double the work.  It saves time and I can see my project working as I submit it for a grade.

You should see my daily calendar.  I have it all lined up with what I have to do.  This included writing IEP documents, phone calls to parents, recording help videos for my students, doing my course work, etc.  

The problem with what dad and I do...getting lost in the problem...is we neglect ourselves.  I have tried to include time, now, to revamp my diet to make it work better for me.  I have also done some thinking about me and how I respond and act with people.  You sometimes don't see your own problem.  People come at me and want to DO things and take me along and my first response it to recoil.  'That's not in my plan!'  I think part of it is I don't trust.  Another part of it is I am afraid that they will decide I no longer fit into their life and will leave and I will never see them again.  I am trying to be okay with that possibility.  No one likes rejection, after all.  I also am trying to be okay with the idea that just because you meet people and like them, does not mean you have to be in each other's lives.  I don't have to be everybody's friend.  I may like who they are and what they do....possibly though there are just enough things about each of us that would not be a good fit to be constant friends.  I may have a small tight circle of people that I trust and want to be around but that's okay.  I have never been a 'large circle' kind of person.  It is tiring to be that way...for me. I feel like I am on display.  I have learned that I have my own thoughts and likes and if someone is in agreement, great but if not, they are allowed that also. Move on and out.  I don't take it as a sign of rejection of ME...just differences.  And some people are not comfortable with those differences.  I am not comfortable with some differences. 

Sometimes I alter my plans.  Like today.  I took a break from teaching today so that I could get my course work caught up.  I was overwhelmed and I have learned to recognize it and give myself a break before I have a melt down.  So, having acknowledged that, it is time to get back to it.  

Never Too Old to Learn

 I am my mother's daughter.  I am learning some things that my mom had to learn.  It's tough when you are used to being the one that takes care of everything and everyone.  You hover and deal.  You find your worth in making everyone else's life easier.  You don't know how to quit doing that.

I have had to step back from my son's life.  Things came to a head with my daughter in law.  I had no idea there was a problem but I really should have seen it.  She came to resent me very much.  My son was constantly running to me to vent and for advice.  I kept helping out with money and advice and giving them needed maintenance items for their new home.  I didn't know that there was a resentment that was growing within her to the point that when I drove down to see their new place, and I had a push mower and other items in tow, she went and stayed at her mom's and a huge fight happened between her and my son.  I was shocked and very hurt.  I felt as if I was getting kicked in the butt for all of my efforts over the years.  It still stings but I have to remind myself that it is not MY life.  

I left and came home.  She came back home.  I told my son that I was stepping back and letting them do what they needed to do to work things out.  He, at first, was upset...thinking that I was shunning him.  I explained that she resented me and if they were going to work it out, I needed to not be involved.  I was always out here but I just would not be lending assistance to them or advice.  They needed to live their own lives and figure it out.  He said he understood and that he needed to quit venting about her to others and just talk more to her.  I have barely heard anything out of him in 3 weeks.  He has called is sister once.  I just pray for him and have to have faith that they are working it out.

Work has been work.  I have been finding new ways of doing things.  I have also been resenting the co-workers that EXPECT me to do things for them when they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves.  

I am working on 2 college classes as once. They both end at the same time...right before winter break.  I was so looking forward to winter break but then I got a jury summons in the mail.  It begins on my winter break time.  I may not be chosen anyway because I have to return a questionnaire.  I have to do that today.  

So, my weekend is a mixture of household duties, college work and school work.  

The church is closed down because a large part of the attendees have been getting sick.  For some of them it was a positive test for COVID, for others it is just another type of flu or cold.  My brother tested positive for COVID but his wife tested negative.  He had an automatic 10 days off from work.  He has not been sick at all and he said he has gotten some much needed home maintenance done.  We pretty much feel he got a false positive and he's fine with it.  None of us that were around him have gotten sick either.  

Bethany is still working her job and God has given her good health.  Jordan is now delivering packages for FedEx instead of just loading trucks.  He is making more money doing delivery.  He says he is making connections that will help his mushroom business.  He may decide to stay where they are.  I would rather move back down that way but I have no friends down there.  I have a few aquaintences but no friends.  I liked the area better.  I will be looking to sell here this spring and move closer to the PA border where my family is.  If Bethany and Jordan go through with their plans this spring, too, they will be moving just on the other side of the PA border.  It is a better area for them.  My friends Susan's other son and DIL moved just the other side of the PA border, too, this summer.  

I have not had any contact with Susan since school started...other than text and a few phone calls.  Her mother fell and broke her arm and things were rather touch and go for them.  But, with some help from her older sister, Susan was able to maintain and her mom is now doing a lot better.  

Debbie had to be tested for COVID because of sick workers but she came out negative also.  She and her daughter managed to put up a wire mesh fenced area around the back of their house for her mom's 2 dogs.  She has found having a house keeps her busy on her days off from nursing.  It is a good thing.

Through everything, I have noticed that my sense of humor has dwindled to not much.  I have been figuring out new things about myself and have discovered that I am only a shell of who I thought I was.  I was going along being me and thinking I was okay when I keep finding out more and more that I was causing problems with people and I have found it all confusing.  Confusing or not, I have had to step back away from more and more people.  Me living my life has caused so much resentment and upset for so many people.  It hurts when you realize that you just being you upsets others so much that you just have to lose them.  I figure at some point I will just be alone.  

Okay...time to get my day started.  

The Blast of Lightening

 I have a new term...Blast of Lightening.

It is the thoughts that come suddenly into my head...that I wasn't pondering on but it seems God is giving me encouragement or enlightenment about something that gives me an 'AHA" moment.

One day, as I was putting laundry into the washer this thought just suddenly came into my head:

"Things are worked out way in advance...I began working on things  before you knew what was coming.  I knew what was in Troy's head and heart so I was the reason he lost his job WHEN he did and that he was given that job in another state when he did.  I took him AWAY from you to help you.  I worked out the unemployment for you for that year because I knew you would need the time.  Now that you see...you NEED to not be anxious.  I have been there every step.  I will be there for you when you need to retire.  I will take care of it.  Have FAITH!"

I have not been thinking about my ex except when I pray for him.  I have come to pity his life.  And I have been able to forgive and realize what he has done to me throughout the years was because he did not know better and I had chosen to marry him and I stayed with him.  I also realized that because I forgive him does not mean he has to be in my life.  So, I pray for him because I care about his soul the way I do everyone's.

I start my day with a prayer of thanksgiving...thankful for the roof over my head, thankful for a job that He keeps helping me to grow in and do better as I go along, thankful for His protection of my family and friends.  Then I continue to ask for protection and salvation for family, friends and people that I may not be fond of...my ex is one.  

I went to Bible Study/Prayer meeting Wednesday night for the first time.  It is a 20 minute drive out into the country to get there.  Hardly any traffic.  It was nice to be amongst other Christians.  It was good to study and pray.  I lifted up Heather...a co-worker.  I have known her for going on 6 years.  She has a boy in 8th grade and she is a single mom.  The dad lives in the same city and for some reason they never got married.  He is not married either.  They are good friends.  She would wake early every morning and take her son for hockey practice before she started her job with OHVA.  Then at the end of May, she lost sight in one eye and her other eye was blurry. She was admitted to the hospital and she told them she would raise a very large fit if COVID was anywhere on her hospital records. They ran tests and told her she has MS and they gave her something that restored her eyesight...until the end of July when her sight left her..both eyes.  It has not returned since.  She is a Christian.  I know this must be very tough for her.

I told her story in prayer meeting and we prayed for her long and hard.  I have not heard anything about her condition yet.  I pray for her every day.  We used to keep in contact through work IM and FB IM but, of course, there has not been any of that since a FB IM was sent to me to inform me of her eye sight loss.  I have prayed about what I can do to encourage her.  She is in NW Ohio now at her parents' house and I was given the address.  A package will go out soon.

God gives us little 'winks' and we get things that give us just that little bit of joy.  I have often looked at my couch and thought about trying to find pillows that would contrast but it was always a non-essential so I have not looked.  Then, my sister talked me into going with her to a street sale.  As I strolled along and was looking at things, I happened to look down at some things laid out on a sheet by a table and there were these 2 beautiful throw pillows that matched my couch exactly with the colors and they woman said she only wanted $1 for them.  So, of course I snatched them. They are perfect and made with strong material.  And it made me quite happy.  Pillows.  Used pillows.  for $1.  God gave me that little thing that made me happy...an unexpected thing that doesn't mean anything to anyone other than me.  At another street sale I found a vase with a butterfly on it...for a quarter and on the bottom of it was written: For Nancy.  ha ha!  It's the little 'winks' from God.

After prayer meeting on Wednesday night, Debbie insisted she take me for tea and cake for my birthday. As we sat drinking our tea she looked at me and said, "I want you to know that I appreciate your friendship.  It is good to have someone there that shares my struggles. It has been a joy to get to know you again."  I was shocked and just let that sink in.  I thanked her and told her I felt exactly the same about her.  We encourage, are there for the other one to lean on when needed, do not judge.  I am not here to condemn or cause someone else to stumble.  I know what I see and think may not be the whole story and I certainly am not going to make someone feel badly about their life.  She struggles and has been through a lot.  She has 4 kids that have all gone and are going through so many things and she is trying to help them make the right choices and they are not always going in the right direction.  I told her all we can do is pray and set the example.  I do not have to 'work' to be her friend, explain myself or beg for her to understand and accept me as I am.  Susan is another good friend.  She does not judge my every thought and act.  

I am feeling that maybe TJ and Brit are doing better right now.  I am thankful that TJ has stood in his faith and follows a path he knows is right for him.  I pray that they both continue to seek and follow.  This new home for them is a beginning to a better existence for them.  I pray that God blesses it.

I pray that Bethany and Jordan find their path with God.  I will be traveling down to see TJ and his new home in a few weeks.  I do not know if I will see Bethany. She and Jordan have been very careful about getting out around others.  I told them I will understand if I can't see them right now.  They will be up here by May this next year and I can see them all I want.  This COVID sucks and it creates a chasm.  

I am thankful for the people that have passed through my life that have helped me become who I am.  Sometimes these people were painful, sometimes they were helpful but they ALL changed me.  God winked.

Priorities and Goals

 Not everyone has the same priorities. Priorities line up with the type of person you are and how you intend to live your life.

That last line was, believe it or not, a billboard-in-my-head moment for me.  It should not have been something I already knew and I sure I did in the back of my mind but it is now out there hitting me in the face.

It brings things even more into focus for me.  The ego in us wants to know that we are a priority with someone.  We are disappointed when we are not a priority.  BUT, you have to consider the person and how they want to live their life.

If I had done that in my 20's, I would have not married the person I did.  I would have realized at that time he would not prioritize me...his marriage...his kids.  And I just mean he did not prioritize spending time and attention on any of that I mentioned.  He prioritized financially supporting us...the marriage. But his time was prioritized on HOW he wanted to live his life...time with his friends seeking 'fun'.

I am not saying I was/am perfect.  I am not prioritizing what I need to either...especially for the way I want to live my life.  

As far as friends and family I learned a long time ago that everyone has a lot going on in their lives around them and prioritizing their goals and family is what is important. I have never expected anyone to remember ANYTHING about me or my life.  I just naturally expect to have to remind/repeat.  My mother rights things on a calendar when any of us tell her anything special that is going on in our lives...even a doctor appointment. She wants to be 'present' for all of it.   And by that I mean she wants to be conscious of it, pray about it, ask about outcomes.  

I have a problem of being too focused on just my priorities.  I have tried to change that by consciously choosing to be more present for someone else.  I stop and make a mental note of what is going on in someone else's life that is of great concern to them.  I make a conscious effort to step out of my own 'head' and turn my attention on someone else.

My friend Debbie has a habit now of calling me and talking to me when she is driving home from her 12 hour shift of nursing.  She works 2-3 days a week.  She starts with laughingly saying, "I'm sorry I am driving!"  I had to tell her it is fine, I know why she does and it is different than my ex.  Once he moved to Kansas, the ONLY time he talked to me was when he was driving home from work.  I had my suspicions then and they were right....he had someone else at his place and therefore, he could not talk to me once he was home.  And certainly could not speak to me on the weekend then.  So, I guess she gets it now.  

My son will usually just call me when he is out away from his wife.  He has his own issues to deal with there.  Btw, he is signing the closing papers on his house on Monday, which is also his 30th bday. WHAT a bday present to himself!  His contract with McGraw Hill has been extended to at least January and they may end up hiring him fulltime. Even if they don't, he now has an office to be in at home where he can study for his IT cyber security certificates and get a better paying job.

Bethany talks to me every 3rd week.  Life passes by so fast, we just don't realize how much time has passed.  She texts with me.  I pray for her daily.  I have prioritized my concern and for my kids.  

I have also prioritized myself in that I will not stay on my computer working constantly. When 5 o'clock comes, with only a few exceptions, I will shut it off.  I refuse to do work on it on Saturday, which means, also unfortunately, that I may have to sit on on Sunday evening to get things ready for the week.  I will get to a point when the weather is awful, that I may do that work on Saturday mornings instead.  

But, being that it is Sunday morning, I need to do a different kind of prioritizing and get ready for church.

Get Rid of It

It's ironic listening to Dr. James Merritt this morning.  He is preaching about getting rid of it...the bitterness, the feeling that someone owes you...

Before the sermon started, I was thinking about forgiving and that it was okay to let it go 'as long as others knew how you had been 'wronged'.  THEN I thought...why is that important? Why do you have to go around letting others know what that other person had done to us?  Aren't we trying to hand over that anger to them to carry, instead of you?   That's exactly what we are doing.  We are just handing off the burden.  

I can sit and look at what I did wrong...I can admit to it.  Others do bad things to people because they have

sinfulness within them.  You can't expect them to be a good person if there is sinfulness in their heart.  I have let sinfulness into my heart and did not treat someone with kindness or compassion.  

If Jesus could go to the cross and endure the torture he did and die for a world full of unkind and sinful people, then I should be able to let it go...whatever the wrong has been done against me.  That is for them to work out with God and if I lash out against them...I am not setting a good Christian example.  

But here is the distinction...you can forgive, let it go but that does not mean that you lay out the Welcome mat and let them back into your life.  

Learn, forgive, let it go and move on.  Don't transfer your anger to others to carry on.

Diaper Genie

 I am buried.  IEPs are long...writing them.  When we get new students in our school we have to rewrite their Individual Education Plans within  30 days. When school STARTS, all new students with IEPs have a countdown from the first day of school.  I had 11 out of 20 students on my caseload that are new.  I also had one thrown in that is not new but his IEP was set to expire the 2nd week of school so I had to do his IEP first. Sarah, my friend and 6th grade IS had this student last year and she was SUPPOSED to redo his IEP in May. But she didn't.  She blew it off.  I won't get angry with her (frustrated maybe) because she has a pre-schooler at home with encephalitis.  

So right now I am finishing up the last of the IEPs I need for next week (5 of them) then I have 6 to have ready for the NEXT week.  Good thing we have Monday off and they cancelled all of our meetings on Friday.  There goes my life.  

To make life more interesting our online school system has taken a major crapper and the students can't get into their lessons.  The teachers are scrambling to give them things to work on that are not in our system.  I have a padlet that I set up and I am putting EVERYTHING on it for them.  I make a weekly  organizer that has all of the lessons for the week for each class, assignments, quizzes, etc.  I put class handouts, notes, extra help recordings, instructions on how to do things online, help sheets, etc.  I told the parents it is like a ONE STOP SHOP for anything they need...and can't find.  

AND...to make life just a BIT more interesting...at the beginning of all of this, I discovered that one of the students assigned to my caseload has most of his classes in the 8th grade.  I pointed this out to my Lead, Ashley. She said, I believe I sent you an email about that. He's in advanced classes.

hhhmmmm....So I retorted, "nope.  Not seeing that email.  I am curious as to how this student is 'advanced' when he has EVERYTHING on his IEP plus an IQ of 71."  *crickets*  "I will have to check on that."  I just knew that somehow I was going to get left to clean up that mess...holding the diaper and the box of wipes.

It went around and around.  Turns out this kid was put in 6th grade classes when he was in 5th grade...for everything but ELA.  Last year's 6th grade IS never said anything to Ashley about it and it just went along that way. The mom has been doing his work and his MAP tests for him so he gets great scores and grades so they advanced him...never mind that when he has to take state tests on his own his scores are in the toilet and let's ignore his IQ.  

Well, they bounced it around and around...at least Ashley and the Lead 8th grade teacher had the lovely 'discussion' with the mother about this BUT I get left to clean up the mess.  Or make a big dent in it. They want me to work with him on some basic Math problems from his 8th grade math class.  I am supposed to let the mother know he needs to work with me alone.  (is this possible for her to do?)  I asked them both when they would like me to do it...then I showed them my schedule for next week.  And explained that I have 5-6 more IEPs to write.  Ashley said to get it done when I can but the Lead teacher suggested that I leave MY kids in the lurch with their math class next Thursday and join her class to work with this kid.  Sure.  Let's just go ahead and do that.  

Some mess that someone conjured up 2 years ago...and WHY was I the one to discover the problem or just to say something about it?

I need a winning lottery ticket.  

TJ and Brit are still waiting on the word about whether or not they will get their loan for that house.  The inspection has been done but they are waiting for the underwriter.  I am praying something works for them.  

I just need to hang in there until Sept 18.  Then, after that, I will only have 1 IEP a week for the next month.  I am contemplating taking my birthday as a Personal Day off from school.  However, I may table that and wait to see if TJ and Brit get the house.  If they do, I will wait and take a personal day so that I can go see it and take some things down to them.  I may be able to load and take my push mower for them to use for a while.  I am not using it now that I have a guy that mows my lawn for me each week.  It is SO nice!  He has this HUGE commercial zero turn mower and he can finish it so VERY FAST!  It would take me almost 2 hours to mow and trim my lawn. He is done in about half an hour.  

Debbie called me on the way home from work last night.  She was laughing about how she flirted with a guy to get him to come and put a cap on her chimney (she finally moved in with her mom and is part way through the paperwork to get the house put in her name).  And she was flirting with the dad of one of her patients.  She said he didn't go for it but she was flirting.  I told her, "good for you!  I am not even sure I know how to do that anymore."  Or maybe it is just that I am not motivated to do so.

Susan's school has started back up...second week for them also. She said she is exhausted with this routine. She has also taken in her oldest son's dogs while he and his wife are in 2 different places waiting on the sale of their house to finish and the purchase of the new one to close.  He is living in a hotel room near his soon to be old job while his wife is living with her parents near her new job.  AND Susan has HER mom to take care of.  

My younger sister is exhausted every day too. Her school job is much worse because of the COVID business.  I told her that maybe it would be what she needs to lose the weight she wants to lose. She said, "you'd think so but no...haven't lost a pound."  I told her to give it about 3 weeks. 

I repeat:  I need a winning lottery ticket.  Oh Diaper Genie...if I rub you, will you give me the winning lottery ticket?  

Shut the Door...Do You Live in a Barn?

So, I needed a new front door.  I NEEDED it...didn't just WANT one...NEEDED it.  So, my dad went with me to get it.  He and I brought it home, put it in my garage.  He looked over the door opening and I could see the look on his face...he was dreading the job.  After all, he is 86 years old and he is worn out.  I tried to find someone to do that job and do it in a way I could afford.  However, I did not have luck making contact with the names of guys I was given that COULD do it.  Until I found this group in the area that helps fix up neglected properties.  I asked the guy in charge of that if he could share a name of someone with me that I could contact to install a door for me.  This guy says his group can do it for cheaper as long as they can put before and after pictures on the website.  He sent a guy over who looked it over and gave me a price.  I had no other options.

He came, did the job.  Left.  BUT, I did not check before he left.  There are things not completed.  I have had a back and forth with his 'boss' about it. This guy wanted me to pay more to complete things.  I told him to not come back because I would take care of it.  THEN the guy texts me this morning and tells me he lost the check I gave him and could I give him another?  If I STOP the check, I can write him another less the price of the STOP fee.  Another lesson for me: he wanted me to leave the 'payee' line blank so that he could fill it in with his daughter's name so that she could deposit it.

I texted him back and raked him up one side and down the other.  I told him that I would put a STOP on it but it is Sunday and there is no guarantee that will not be cashed before the STOP goes into effect.  He will have to wait a few days for me to make sure that it did not get cashed AND if it turns out that it has been cashed, he will not be getting another check.  I have not heard anything from him.  Think he was trying to get 2 payments out of me?  (oh, he JUST texted me and told me he found it in the wash...could he stop by and get a new check?  I told him if he brings me the ruined check I will write him another one but not unless he gave me the proof...no offense. *eye roll* He told me he can do that but it looks like lint.  I told him that if HE could tell it was my check, then I should be able to, also.  piece.of.work)

This is what happens when you let strangers into your life for ANY reason.

On the other hand, the guy that mows my lawn is the opposite.  He mows my lawn for the same amount that he charges the woman behind me...and my lawn is twice what hers is.  He does all the trim and he does a GREAT job!  He is a breath of fresh air.  A man of integrity.  SO appreciated! ALMOST gives me faith in humanity.  Almost.

I actually gave a bit of thought to checking out the Elks Club and maybe joining.  But...I am rethinking that.  Those types of clubs have a lot of drinking involved and I don't want to be getting into all of that sort of crowd.  I am not saying they are bad people and I am better.  It is just that I am trying to live my life in a more spiritual, deliberate manner and entwining myself with groups that do a lot of drinking and do not have a spiritual leaning is not the right thing for me.

I can sit and look back on my life and how I had lived it and the things that I did wrong.  I cannot be angry about things that have happened that have changed my life in a way that I had not wanted because if you commit sin, and ask forgiveness, God will forgive you but that does not mean that there are not worldly consequences.

I know...it is easy to look at others and all of the crooked, sinful things they are doing and seem to have it easy and have lots of things and money BUT...the deal there is...they are not asking for forgiveness and have no plan to quit doing what they are doing. Therefore, they may NOT have any worldly consequences but there are consequences once they pass from this world and those consequences are forever and beyond.

I know God has forgiven me for my sins...I asked Him to...but the problem is I have not quite forgiven myself.  I do realize though that I see things in a different way and those sins of the past are that...past.  It is not something I feel I would be tempted to repeat. I can, however, give some advice on the matter to my children and hope that they will listen and learn from MY mistakes.

I have noticed something about me...after all of the things...life with the ex, the divorce, lost friendships...it has made me much more serious.  My sense of humor is less and less. 

Deeper Roots

I am finding that the more changes I make to the house, the more excited I get about it and the more I am settling in.  These changes are mine.  I decided, I put in them into action.  I hope I don't get so very used to making all decisions and getting things put into action that I could not tolerate having someone else in my life if he would happen to come along.  HOWEVER, I am not going to focus on that because there isn't even anyone on the horizon.

Poor Susan is going through a difficult spot this week.  It is her late husband's bday on Thursday.  I wish I could do something for her but it is a family affair and the best I can do is send prayers.

Debbie is frustrated because she has to do her yearly nurse PDs online and she said, "I can't do video games! This stuff is timed and I can't find the right buttons...!!!" She has done the one 'game' 3 times and never saves the patient life before it times out.  "I don't understand these buttons!  I know what to do but I don't know what button it is or where to move the mouse!!!" I said, "what hospital do you work at again, cuz I won't go there."  Ha ha!   She is still working on painting and putting in flooring in her mom's house.  She said at the rate things are going she will not move in until December.  She has help from her brothers on the flooring and other minor repairs.  She says the house needs a new porch.  Hope they are good with that stuff.  She calls me and talks to me a lot when she is on her way home from work.  She works 12 hours shifts and she says it keeps her awake. yikes.

AND...as if no one could see this coming...TJ has pumped the brakes AGAIN on the separation from  Brit.  Her aunt took her aside and had a long talk with her, prayed with both of them and then they had a long talk. She wants them to start attending church again (which TJ has been doing...Brit quit) and attend counseling.  Brit had refused to do counseling before but she said she knows they need it and will do it.  I told TJ that I just want him to have a decent life and he will need to figure this all out.  I would LOVE to see this marriage turn around but I am not holding my breath on her changing her ways.  I DO pray for them.  I also told him that IF she doesn't do any of that, then he really needs to make up his mind about it...but it's his life.

I am having a new front door put in.  The guy that is doing it wanted to do it last night. I had my misgivings.  He said, "It's easy peasy!"  but he is working on it now. He started at 10 and it is after 4.  He is putting in the last of the trim to fit it tight. This was big job that I did not want my dad to do.

While TJ is here I am going to put in the ceiling fan in my office area and the new bathroom vent fan in the main bathroom because I have to go over head and put in the vent.  It was never vented.  I don't do electrical work if I am by myself.

My backyard neighbor Lynn came over and asked to come by later with a bottle of wine and some munchies.  We are going to sit in the sunroom, or, if it isn't raining, sit on the side porch. The back deck is too hot in the afternoon.  That is why I will be happy to get my privacy screen up.  It will give it a bit of shade.

Which reminds me...tomorrow I am getting a glider rocker with matching footrest from Dawn to put in my livingroom.  It is a light rusty colored fabric and will go well with the color scheme.  My brother is stopping to get the storm door I took off on the front to use for the door to his mancave.  We share each other's stuff.  He bought a part of a cow from a friend and gave me a few steaks and some hamburger.

I will also stop at Home Depot and get the paint for my front door and a garden auger drill attachment to put the holes in the ground for my privacy screen supports.  I will then put the flooring down in the guest bedroom. Friday and Saturday I will work on 3 things...painting my porch floor, painting my front door and putting up the privacy screen.  I can multi-task.  I also need to do another quick vacuum.  I can do it!  Ha ha!

welllll....I best get off of here. The door is in, the guy got his check and I swept up his mess.  I have my wine glasses out, the wine opener ready....

Stuck in the Mud

I made a promise to myself....I was going to use this year to go DO things.  Of course, the COVID business put a damper on some of it but it also took some anxiety off of me.  I don't have to think up excuses to NOT do things.  However, it also made me appreciate time with friends and family.

I am doing a more sensible diet change and exercise habit.  The sunshine always gives me more energy and happiness anyway.  I am trying not to despair over the state of my yard.  The weeds around my house are many, plentiful and HUGE.  I will have to pull what I can, spray what I can and wait for them to die down.  This Saturday looks like it will be good for that.  Dawn wants to go to this green house to look for hanging baskets and I possibly can.  I don't have the time she does to work outside.  She's retired now.  I am still working. BUT, I will make the time to go with her.

I was finishing up working with a student yesterday afternoon when Debbie called.  She said she was down at the beach (5 minutes down the road) and did I want to take a break?  well...YEAH!  So, I shut things down, let Lucy out to do her thing then hopped in my car.

It was windy, the waves were fast and hitting the shore like a battering ram. But it was so nice to stand there in the sun and take it in. She and I had a talk about many and various things then we drove to Bridge St because she wanted to pick up dinner to take home.  She asked me many times to take a piece of pizza but I wasn't in the mood.  (I know, right?)  She said, You have such good will power!
I told her I have good will power IF I am seeing results.  I  did not want to find the LBs I lost last week.  ha ha!

Today, I went out and mowed the lawn.  It looks HORRIBLE! Mounds of dead grass everywhere.  I wanted mulching blades on my tractor.  My dad won't put them on because he and my brother insist that they are going to find me a BETTER tractor.  I told them there isn't anything wrong with the one I have but they insist.  UGH!

I had to push mow more than I usually do because it was extra squishy next to the storage building and the tractor got stuck.  I had to push it out.  So I push mowed around the building.  My calves will be letting me know tomorrow how much the disliked that whole deal.  I am not sure why but they ALWAYS feel like they have knots in them.  No matter what I do, they get knotted up and get sore more easily than any other part of my body. Perhaps they need more stretching than they get. 

Anyhow, Susan sounded kind of depressed yesterday.  This whole staying home thing is really getting to her.  She  likes to get out and do things and have people to talk to and she has only had her mom and has not gotten out much.  She is a big stickler for the distancing and 'rules'.  Debbie, on the other hand, is a nurse and just shrugs about it. The only thing she is careful about is not getting her hands on her face. 

After I got done mowing the lawn, I took Lucy outside and I sat on the porch for a bit. She laid in the grass.  When we have more good days, I will take time at the end of my day to take her for walks. She will be happier and I will too. We just keep having rain. We have more thunderstorms coming in for tonight and tomorrow.  yay.  I should bring my tulips in. 

Digging Not to China

I loaded Lucy up and went to visit with my parents and my 2 nearby siblings. It has become a regular Sunday afternoon thing. We would all show up after mom and dad got home from church. Church is now closed, of course, but we still show up between 12 and 12:30 anyway.  I have discovered something...my parents are hard of hearing and become more easily confused the older they get but my brother just does not listen.  I have to repeat myself to him 3 times because he only 'hears' parts at a time.  He is too eager to give 'advice' so he doesn't listen to the whole thing.

I joined a local plant exchange group on FB.  I was looking for some rhubarb plants and the one that started the group messaged me and told me that after seeing my post, she posted looking for rhubarb, too and someone responded to her that she could come dig up as much rhubarb as she wanted so she would dig some up for me too and all I had to do was come to her house and get it.  So, I did and Saturday I was out digging up a new garden spot for plants that like the shade and moist soil (rhubarb being one of those plants).  I dug up some of my extra hosta, yellow lillies and yellow irises and planted them there too.  I even had some leftover rhubarb to give my sister.  The garden spot was started by a large rubbermade deck box that I had removed from my porch (not good sitting on a wooden floor) and sat it up next to my garage.  I asked my brother if he wanted it so my dad and I loaded it in the back of my SUV and my dad took it to him when he took my SUV home with him (dad was taking it to the mechanic early in the morning last Tuesday) to get my new front struts on...which I had also left in my brother's garage after he thought he was going to put them on for me but discovered he would be able to get to the left one.  I told him I would have Dean (my brother's friend that owns a car repair garage) do it but I asked him to store the struts in his garage until I needed them because they were too heavy for me to move around.

AT ANY RATE, the grass under where the deck box had been sitting was dead so it was easy to dig it up.  I also dug up  more.  I then took up the few large cement squares leading to my porch and laid them on the weeds and grass along the garage that I still want to get rid of to extend the garden.  I then started cutting and lifting sod because I am laying a double line of square cement pavers to create a walkway to my porch from the driveway.  I found a brick to measure the space between the pavers.  I got 4 down...36 more to go.  I did some weeding and cleaned out my storage building and I potted some more plants. 

I took a dog dish full of water out for Lucy. She laid in the grass and watched the  neighborhood OR followed me around the yard.  It was a very nice and productive day for us both.

Friday I took my touch screen laptops to my cousin Tommy.  Today, after I left mom and dad's, I went and picked up my newer touch screen.  He had to reload my OS but it is now working just great!  He said the charging port inside the other one is cracked and he will have to see if he can find another one for it.  I told him not to sweat that one.  However, I did drop off my dad's laptop with him.  Dad said he decided to take the Chromebook back after all. He said he realized he didn't need to spend that money for something he really didn't need.  But I could tell he was disappointed in his laptop.  I talked him in to letting me take it to Tommy and letting him work on it.  Tommy messaged me tonight and told me he had already cleared out a ton of junk that was on dad's computer and added some RAM so that it would load things a bit easier.  He is still working on getting it going faster so that dad can use it again.  Maybe dad will be happy with his computer again.  He spent too much money on it for it to be a paper weight. 

I got a bird bath.  It was so cheap I couldn't pass it up.  The problem is it is a heavy cement thing.  I am going to paint it first then I have a clear coat/sealer for cement spray to put on it after that paint dries THEN I will put it out front.  I have SO much to do this year.  I have to paint and secure the railing on my front steps, replace a ceramic light in my sunroom with a fan/light, replace a vent fan in the main bathroom, and put in the new flooring in my bedroom.  I also need to put a couple more coats of porch paint on my porch. 

Debbie said that if she buys her mom's house it needs some fixing up. She said she may call on me for help with that.  I told her I can paint, wire in new fixtures and outlets, even help with some drywall and replace a garbage disposal however, if it is major building or plumbing I am no help.  LOL  Oh...lawn mowing, she is on her own also.

Okay...24 more days of school.  2 IEPs to write this week.  It is good for me that it is raining all week so I won't feel tempted to go outside and dig. 

Stay at Home

  I am on spring break.  I am doing some spring cleaning in my house as well as using my time to make some life style changes.

   It is difficult...too difficult...to get the exercise back into my life.  It is sad that it is so difficult.  I have made too many excuses and let myself lag behind way too much. 
 
    My anxiety is ramped up...along with everyone else.  My son is ping ponging back and forth between anxiety and depression.  He is happy and nervous and upset.  He is happy because he is still starting his new job because is it IT for a medical facility.  He is starting it a few days later because they had to figure out how to train him with everyone now working from home. AND he will have to work from home also which gives HIM extra problems since they are living with her parents and there are 3 very loud dogs there.  He may have to work in the room where they keep their cats just to get some semblance of quiet.    He is nervous about a new job.  He is upset because of the circumstances around us.  Who isn't?

    My daughter was able to get into a doctor to get a new inhaler.  She has not had problems with asthma in over a year but she needs this...just in case.  I pray for her protection working in that pharmacy 5 days a week.  I pray for Jordan's safety working for FedEx.  I pray for the safety of so many.  Who would have suspected?

    I am trying my best to stay off of social media.  It just makes me more anxious also.  I am hoping that the way things are today for us all is as bad as it gets.  In reality I should not be seeing so many vehicles coming and going up and down the road outside the front of my house as I do.  It is a lot less than normal but it is still too many.  Last night it was a ghost town but every 10 minutes or so I still heard a vehicle pass by.

   I started taking allergy meds because my allergies seem to be worse than usual for this time of year.  I sleep better at night because of them.  So I am getting plenty of sleep. 

   At least the sun is out today and I can have the sunroom open...with a little chill chasing from the ventless gas stove.  Lucy is quite happy with that arrangement.

The Long Winter

It has been a long tense winter.  I am not the only one feeling it.

Our online school system has been having difficulties for about 3 weeks.  Teachers, parents and students have been frustrated.  There has been an uptick in IEPs.  The state tests are looming. 

We had our online middle school meeting Friday morning.  We had not had it for a couple of weeks.  They attendees were split into grade band/subject.  Us ISes just picked one and attended.  I started out with 7th grade math.  There was one snarky teacher.  I listened for a while and copied a link for a math lesson that the math teacher I work with was sharing.  Then I moved into the 7th grade Language Arts room.  That was NOT pleasant. They were all attacking each other.  Accusing each other of being lazy, not doing as much as each other, etc.  UGH!  I listened in utter disbelief for a while then I moved myself to the room for my teaching POD.  By then, the math teacher in my group was there.  I relayed to her how much of a cat fight was going on in the 7th grade language arts room. 

I am STILL in disbelief about it.  If feels like the Middle School is falling apart. 

On a personal note, I had 2 different Reviews this last week...one on my IEPs and data notes, the other on my online classes.  I did really well on both.  Yes, there is some room for improvement but not a major leap.  Just slight improvements.  That relieves me a bit.

TJ's contract job that was initially supposed to be 3 weeks, turned in to 6 weeks, which he was happy about.  Now Monday he is going to Ohio Means Jobs and get signed up for unemployment and funding for classes.  The next phase.

My mom's sister, my aunt, Joyce, succombed to bone cancer in the early morning hours yesterday.  It was just a little over 2 weeks from diagnosis to death.  She had been pumped full of morphine most of the time.  I know it must have been AWFUL for her daughter Linda.  She had it all on her shoulders.  2 of her older brothers had already died...one from strokes, another from pancreatic cancer.  The last of her brothers has diabetes and sight problems.  She is the only one that is still in decent health.  That family has been riddled with health problems. 

Bethany and Jordan seem to be doing well.  If there is anything negative, they don't share it with me.  I continue to look for some place else to move to that they can also live in with me.  God will guide my direction.  I did find flooring for my bedroom that will cost me just under $250 and I can put down myself. It is self adhesive wood grained vinyl planking.  I feel it is the best option.  Carpeting would cost AT LEAST $450 and any other floor covering I would need help to put down.  This vinyl planking is easier to clean, less slippery....I am going for this.  My mom and older sister have wrinkled their nose up at it.  I don't care.  It works for ME. 

I have to fill holes and paint the room too.  Spring break. 

It's the Little Things

My kids know that mom not only has been there to help with some large issues but she pays attention to the little things.  When I went to visit my son and DIL for a few days, once, I took a box of paper  goods and cleaning supplies.  I know when money is tight, the first thing you do is pay the bills then buy food.  Cleaning supplies and paper goods make it to the end of the list.  I brought paper towels, tissues, napkins, toilet tissue, and lysol products.  My DIL looked confused and I asked her, "are you running low on this stuff...or just out of it?"  "well...yes."  "AND it costs money...it adds up.  Wouldn't you rather use that money to buy food?"  This look of understanding came over her face and she laughed and said, "yeah!  I get it."

When my daughter passed her Pharmacy Tech licensing exams, I know she had been working hard to help her boyfriend make ends meet and had scrimped on the things she loved.  I sent her a Sephora gift card.  She was thrilled because she had not been able to afford to replenish her foundation.  She was all about the makeup at that time.  Of course since, she has adopted a more light dab of face powder.  Her emphasis is on her eyes and eye brows.  But at the time, the idea that I thought of her WANTS in that way made an impact.

I remembered that stuff this morning because I realized I have learned that from my mother.  I miscalculated and have run out of tissues.  (note to self: while the smaller, cube-like boxes of tissues may fit better on table and stands, they run out a lot quicker)  I have sinus and allergy issues so I go through a lot of tissues. This morning, I knew I was in trouble. And while I am the only one in the house and I COULD walk around with a roll of toilet tissue, it did not appeal to me.  One of the presents my mother gave all of us girls was this red woven and metal sleigh.  She filled it with things like pocket pack tissues, sample sized lotions, purse size hand sanitizer, small packs of breath mints and candies.  So, those pocket pack tissues are coming in handy this morning until I get dressed and meander on down the road to  the Family Dollar store.  It's the little things.

Just like working on math with my students.  I have worked, not only on math, but note taking skills.  I also have worked with them doing a lot of repetition and chunking things into smaller pieces.  It is what they need.  I connect what they were being taught in September to what they are doing now.  The math teacher seems to be skipping right over those steps.  WHY?  I interrupted her on Thursday to do a quick 'share' where I showed the students how the vocabulary and concepts were something they needed to accomplish/understand the geometry and equations they were doing now.  WHY is she not doing that?  She gets so frustrated with them yet she is not helping.

Also, another 'little' thing...the neighbor's truck.  He has a big, loud, diesel truck that he starts every morning.  He used to start it and let it sit idling in his drive for half an hour every morning.  He started it between 6:30  and 7 a.m. every morning.  During the week it is not that big of a deal because I am up already.  But on Saturday and Sunday I TRY to sleep in.   That is an irritation.  I want to shoot it.  Lately, he has been starting it and it doesn't idle any longer than 10 minutes before it goes off loudly down the road.  My brother's truck has that loud exhaust system on it too.  I'll bet his neighbors love him just as much.  I am not understanding the purpose of the loud exhaust system.  I used to own a little 2 seater sports car with a dual exhaust that made it sound like a box full of angry bees.  I had it taken off and replaced with a nice, quiet single pipe.  My dad laughed at me and told me I ruined the car. I told him that now I could hear my radio without deafening myself. 

It's the little things.

My son's interview went really well yesterday.  They told him they feel he will be a good fit for their day shift data entry position.  They sent him more forms to fill out.  Let's pray it is not a little thing that keeps him from getting the job.

And my almost-son-in-law had texted me that my daughter was going to call me about their plans this weekend.  I asked him when she was going to call me.  He said probably Saturday.  I asked him what they were doing this weekend, as I was not sure why I needed to know anything about their weekend plans.  He said, "I don't know....maybe do some reading."  I thought about this and the fact that he had earlier asked me about realtors in my area.  Then I dawned on me.  I replied, "So you meant she is going to call me this weekend to tell me about your plans...not that she is going to call me to tell me about your plans this weekend."  He did not reply.  It's the little things.

ReImagined

     I did not do any of my school work this weekend.  I was busy doing nothing.  I did laundry and cleared out my kitchen.  Other than that, I sat and watched the weather.

     I had a moment and  texted a little with my son yesterday.  I told him to consider how he communicates...how SHE communicates.  He did consider it.  He asked me why I was bringing it up, and I told him it is because of his dad and I and our marriage.  It was not all doomed due to bad communication but it is a problem.  And not just my marriage or any marriages. Communication is a problem.
 
     I get upset when I say something and it is an all encompassing statement with no timeline and the person that I say it to applies it to a finite instance.  My ex was that kind of person.  I have other friends  that are that way...more than I realized until lately.  Today was one of those days.  I just did a head slap.  I did the eye brow raise/furrow, head slap, eye roll, groan.  Then I decided to just make note of those that limited my statement so that I would not do generalities with them.  It is all in how one thinks.  If I do not want to create more work for myself, I have to decide what I communicate and to whom.
 
     I know communication is the biggest piece of that marriage decision.  Honesty...and not just with each other. If they can't be honest with themselves (she with herself, him with himself) then how are they going to be honest with each other?   My son has TRIED to change his communication approach but she has already decided that everything he says is an attack.   I am not sure if they can come back from that.  My best advice to him was to think it all through and be honest about whether or not he REALLY feels that they can fix what is not working.  He is feeling overwhelmed. 

     He said that he is going to move in with her and her parents for a bit once this 3 week contract job is up.  He is going to work the next job and save money but if they do not seem like it is getting any better then he will take the money he has saved and get out...whether it is up here or his own place in that vicinity he will decide at that time. 

     I can understand that.  He is just trying to make sure it is not able to work at all.  No one wants to walk away if they have any doubts left.   I told him that he will know what he needs to do but I just ask that he really consider all of his options and possible scenarios and pick those that he feels he can live the best with.

     I know I ended that last sentence inappropriately but I am tired.  I spend all day on my work computer writing progress reports for my students. They are due to the parents this Friday.  I have one left to complete.  I have set a deadline to send them out for Wednesday.  Then I can use my Thursday afternoon and Friday to communicate with parents and dig into the pile of IEPs that I have to get written over the next 5 weeks.  I will be done with them by the time I have to help my son  pack and move.  It will be a tough work schedule because I have 9 IEPs to write and 6 of them are renewals that I have to include data from working with them for a semester.  There goes my weekends!

   

Good Intentions/Bad Decisions

     I am a good person and fairly intelligent.  I am  a hard worker.  I have a kind heart.  But I also make bad decisions sometimes.  That means I am 'normal'. 

     I am still learning lessons.  I am learning how to step back from my ADULT offspring (there really needs to be a better word than 'children' once they pass a certain age) and let them drive their own wagon. 

     I have been wrangling with my son about his life and you know what?  He is going to do what he feels is best and he is going to try and do what he can for his life and I guess that just shows that I did raise him well.  He may not be making what I feel are the right decisions but it is his life and he needs to do what he needs to do for himself.  I raised him to be an adult and live his own life and that is what he is doing. 

    Living my own life is what I need to do also.  Debbie P and I have decided to kick each other's butts.  She said that she would come home from work and never leave her house until she had to go to work again.  We are trying to find a way to get together at least every 2 weeks.  I would do that with Susan but she has filled up her dance card with lots of things to do and places to go. Once her husband died, she got busy and found groups to join so that she would not be alone. I am starting out late and slow.  *sigh*

     God really is wonderful.  God landed us not too far from here, where I would meet up with one of my cousins again, and when Ex got hooked on his drugs and disappeared, my cousin brought us out to Eagleville Church where I made friends with Debbie B and Debbie P.  Here I am back so many years later, and we have kept in contact over the years...and they are there to pull me back in and give me support...and I can do that same for them.

     I still get to do things with Susan and I am hoping this year brings me a better paying job.  It would be great if Susan and I could do a quick vacay trip together.  Debbie and I can do one too but she is planning on taking some more classes and get her nursing Bachelor degree.  She may be a bit busy for that.

    When I said this was my year for ME, I was not kidding.

Backing It Up and Taking Another Route

    I am not sure what it was that brought this all up in my head.  I was trying to get the coffee together this morning and get my shower before sitting down at my computer for my first day back to work.  I was filling in my calendar of things I have to do and I remembered the letter to the ex sitting on the bar in my kitchen.  I was thinking about when I could mail it. Then...something began to flutter in my head and...

     I am NOT mailing that letter!  I feel good that I wrote it and the kids read it and they are glad to see me putting it all behind me but...would he care?  Or, most importantly, would it matter?  He is a narcissist.  When the kids tell him what they think about something and it is to put him back in his place, he will always say that I turned them against him.  He will always think that I am heart broken about losing him and jealous of whomever he is with and that I am trying to break them up.  He thinks quite a lot of himself that way.  AND if I send him that letter, he may view it as an olive branch...that I want us to be 'friends' and it will give him the idea that the door is open and we are 'joined'. 

     Nope.  TJ agreed with me. Bethany said it could be true and it may not matter if I send it.  TJ said that if it made me feel good to write it, then just let that be it.  And I am.  Done.  No letter sent. 

    Susan told me to not just throw it away but burn it because it would feel better.  But, you know...I really do not have that knot of anger anymore.  I can throw it away and forget it.  Silence is the best option.  NOW I feel better. 

     I am trying not to feel too anxious.  My calendar for work is filling up fast and I had to plot out a plan and I will need to stick to it if things are all going to get done on time.  Progress reports, IEPs, class plans....at least the first week back is testing week so I have some extra time to work on some things.  By the end of the week they will be dumping newly enrolled students in our laps and my dance card is pretty full already. 

     I counted...52 SCHOOL days until Spring Break.  Then we have a week of school followed by 3 weeks of state testing.  After State Testing we have almost a month of what I like to refer to as 'no man's land'.  The teachers let up on the class time and lessons and I am working with kids to salvage their 2nd semester grade.  There's Middle school meetings and school outings.  It could be fun.

     I also will need to decide of I am putting my house up for sale and moving somewhere else.  I think I am going to apply to a brick and mortar school system up where Susan works.  I probably stand a rat's ass of a chance of getting hired only because brick and mortar school systems think that online teachers don't do anything except monitor whether or not students do their work. 

    To quote Ricky Gervais, "I don't care."

Let the Sun Shine In

    Now with the bombing in Iran, we must be even more  diligent in watching out for ourselves and our loved ones.  I am in agreement with the bombing but it also means we need to watch for retaliation.

     Having said that, I am feeling SO MUCH better with the beginning of this year.  It is the year of Taking Care of Me. 

     My son just secured a new job.  As he said, it is different than anything he has ever done but he went through a battery of interviews in a few days and they felt they saw in him what they needed.  He will be working with a marketing/advertising company.  They said they are going to groom and train him to be a badly needed regional manager.  I have a feeling this is not his 'forever job' but another step in God's plan.  However, he just needs to feel comfortable and able to learn and do it well.  They have a time line of one year of training and grooming.  They told him this is something that they used to take 5 years to do but they felt that he would be able to do it in a year.   I will continue to pray for him daily.

     In the mean time, his wife secured a new job, also. She will begin work with a new veterinary hospital. She is being trained as a veterinary surgery assistant.  She is thrilled!  No more night hours or weekends. My son will no longer be working night hours or weekends.  They will get to move to northern cincy/southern Dayton area, as they wanted.  It will be a shorter trip to visit me by about 45 minutes.  I am praying that perhaps these changes will help them as a couple.

     My son said the mother-in-law offered to let them move in with them for a few months while they get their financial situation  more stabilized and money gathered to put down for the townhouse they would like to live in.  My son said he really would not rather do that.  I gave him a smack and told him that it is a blessing that she offered and sometimes you need to do something uncomfortable for a bit in order to get things straightened out.  He quit complaining.

     I need to have a serious talk with Bethany and Jordan about them getting their lives together.  I can't keep paying for her phone and car insurance and her dad can't keep paying for her med insurance.  He is turning 26 in a few weeks which means his dad can't keep him on his med insurance anymore. 

     After listening to many messages on the same subject by different pastors, I felt led to do something.  My kids approved of the move and felt it was good, not only for me, but it made them feel better also.  I wrote a letter to their father.  I cleared the air, put everything to bed. There was no  accusations, no judgments, nothing negative.  It was to let him know I have no animosity,  am not trying to turn his kids against him, am not (nor will ever) try to come between him and anyone he is with...my life is mine, his is his.  The past happened and we both have much different expectations for our lives and it is best not to be in the orbits of each other's lives.  I told him I hope his life works out for him. That was it.  The kids read it, and they said it sounded very nice and final.  They found no problem with anything I said.  So, I sent it to my son to address and send on to his dad.  As I said, I do not remember his address.  And now I feel better.  My future no longer has baggage weighing it down.

    The second semester is going to be a whopper but I am planning things out so that I have time for something besides work.  I am working ahead on things a little.  That's all it takes....little bits.  It makes a big difference. 

   I am making effort to get out and face time with friends and family. I am also making weighted blankets for me AND Lucy.  ha ha!  I noticed she seems to relax and rest better if I cover her with a blanket and tuck it around her.  I have wondered if a weighted blanket would help ME sleep better.  So I am going to make blankets for us.  I think it will be a good thing.  I ordered the weight pellets and I have material I can use.  A new endeavor!  I am also working on a door decoration hanger for my front door using branches.  I hope it works out as I envision. 

    As I mentioned...this is the year of taking care of ME. 

Lost Baggage

It is curious how God works on me.  He has revealed things to me in phases.  He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.

As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something.  I had been waiting all of this time for vindication.  I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me.  AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen.  What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that?  Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking. 

Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen.  God was telling me, "You have to let it go.  What you feel that you need will never happen."  It isn't news.  However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him.  He really is not the person I had assumed he was.  And it wasn't just him.  It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others.  I had just never really realized. 

My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives.  For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc.  I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others.  It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in  our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude.  We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord.  It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others.  It is what I am used to.  It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing.  No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference. 

TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family. 

So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were  just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together. 

I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus.   What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix. 

Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life?  It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.

Don't get me wrong.  A Narcissist is a  narcissist.  However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.

He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions.  Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place.  He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it.  He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him.  None of that is my concern.  I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore. 

I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go.  I am not feeling that knot of anger in me.  I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting.  I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment. 

I have a goal for my year.  My goal is to tune in to myself.  I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally.  Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise. 

Here's to a positive 2020. 

Grain of Sand in My Shoe

    I made the mistake.  Answered the phone this morning.  I slept a full 8 hours without interruption last night.  I haven't done that for over a month. 

    This is my family make up:  My mom turns everything into a competition.   No one has suffered more than  she has and you should never expect to be allowed to have any feelings about anything.
My younger sister:  She finds insulting people funny and she will share a problem with you only to tell you why any suggestions you give her for a solution will not work.  My older sister: is always angry and has no problem telling you what is wrong with your thinking and what you do wrong and what/how you should do it as she sits there smoking her cigarettes and slowly becoming drunk.  My brother can be very helpful if you need him but he also knows everything...seriously considers himself the expert on everything and everyone. 

     I answered the phone.  My mom wanted to know if I wanted to drive through the park with her and dad to see the Christmas light display.  I had sent a goofy meme to my youngest sister's phone last night and she picked this moment to make a comment.  It was some insulting comment that she thought was funny.  It irritated me.  I made a comment to my mother about how my younger sister did that most of the time and it irritated me.  She told me to  let it go and started giving me some lecture...I cut her off...because now I am REALLY irritated and told her, "I don't walk around hanging on to some irritation all day long!  I am just momentarily irritated by it!"

"Well it is what she does. Just let it go." 

     "I KNOW it is how she  is but that doesn't mean I can't feel irritated by it."
 
     "I had to put up with worse than you.  You know I was the youngest of 7 siblings and I had to put up with a whole lot of insults and I never said anything."

By now I am wanting to scream because she has done it again...competition.  I am not allowed to feel anything about anything because her life was worse. 

    "Maybe you SHOULD have said something!  Maybe they did that because they thought you didn't get that they were insulting you because you didn't say anything!"

     "It would have just made them mad and it wouldn't have changed anything."

      Then my oldest sister sent me a snarky text because she was aggravated that mom had tried calling her and both me and the other sister had sent her texts before she had woken up and had her first cup of coffee. 

     O...M...G!!!!    And I replied, "Well...geeeeez!  Sorry.  Have a fun day" and I have ignored her the rest of the day. 

     My son has gone out of his way today to thank me for trying to make his life easier.  And he was being real.  And it melted my heart that he noticed!  I didn't do it for praise but the idea that someone notices what you are doing just every once in a while just makes you feel just a bit less invisible.

    The language arts teacher I work with messaged me last night as she was finishing up grading writing assignments. She wanted to know if I was also a language arts teacher.  I told her no, I am more of a math person however, writing came easy for me.  I just need to do a refresher every year on the grammar stuff like dangling participles, etc. 

     She said that the other IS in our POD is not and there is a vast difference between the assignments that my SPED kids did compared to hers.  I told her it was nice to hear that my pushing and instruction is doing something. 

      And I am having the HARDEST time making it through this holiday!  I am just depressed and can't shake it.  I am tired of crying.  I do not know what I expect from my life.  I feel stuck. 

     I do not like to think of myself as a victim.  But perhaps Debbie B is right...I have a lot of mental/emotional baggage to take care.  I can't blame it all on the marriage.  It has been getting packed a little at a time all my life.

     I didn't mention my dad.  He doesn't say much but when he does...it is hurtful.  So there...everyone is covered. 

     One thing I have learned...everyone's life is different.  Cookie cutter counseling works for the majority but not everyone.  In the end you have to know what works for you and you have to learn how to heal.  You are responsible for yourself and your choices.  I can listen to friends and family tell me their thoughts and their reactions.  I can offer suggestions as to things that maybe are happening...a different perspective but I try very hard not to tell them they are wrong.  It is not my life and perhaps it will work out for you.  We have to make our own decisions for our own reasons and if it turns out to be a mistake...well...it is now a learning experience.

     I am definitely making my own decisions.  I have no one in my life to bounce things off of.  Sure, I have family members and friends...but no one HERE.  There is a difference. 

     Not sure I ever will again.  I surely will not if I don't make some changes.

And then the bough breaks

    My ex once told me that it felt like I was always on the other side of a wall.  Once he voiced that I tried to let go and open up and FEEL. 

     I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless.  Relationships  end. 

     My marriage ended.  Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out.  I don't mind the divorce.  I was honest with myself.  It was the way it was ended that upended me.  But one cannot be  martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing.  He could not have made that more clear.  I was not anything special.

     I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals.  He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs.  He's done that all of his life.

    Losing other relationships is hard too.  I understand why sometimes they end.  Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them.  Also, as people go through these events, it changes them.  It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship. 

    No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me.  Unfortunately, it affects my depression.  I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first.  I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled.  I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile. 

    My son  is floundering also.  It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly.  I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous.  He was packing to come here last weekend.  They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide.  I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order.  I gave him a list.   He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas.  His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days.  TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2.  I am not sure how long he will stay.

     He is also struggling with employment.  It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April.  This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are.  And you can't.  I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life. 

     Reset your life.  That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life.  Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME.  There is no time to fall apart.  You have to be strong for those around you.  You have to be true to yourself.  And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away.  It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.

     There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.