Priorities and Goals

 Not everyone has the same priorities. Priorities line up with the type of person you are and how you intend to live your life.

That last line was, believe it or not, a billboard-in-my-head moment for me.  It should not have been something I already knew and I sure I did in the back of my mind but it is now out there hitting me in the face.

It brings things even more into focus for me.  The ego in us wants to know that we are a priority with someone.  We are disappointed when we are not a priority.  BUT, you have to consider the person and how they want to live their life.

If I had done that in my 20's, I would have not married the person I did.  I would have realized at that time he would not prioritize me...his marriage...his kids.  And I just mean he did not prioritize spending time and attention on any of that I mentioned.  He prioritized financially supporting us...the marriage. But his time was prioritized on HOW he wanted to live his life...time with his friends seeking 'fun'.

I am not saying I was/am perfect.  I am not prioritizing what I need to either...especially for the way I want to live my life.  

As far as friends and family I learned a long time ago that everyone has a lot going on in their lives around them and prioritizing their goals and family is what is important. I have never expected anyone to remember ANYTHING about me or my life.  I just naturally expect to have to remind/repeat.  My mother rights things on a calendar when any of us tell her anything special that is going on in our lives...even a doctor appointment. She wants to be 'present' for all of it.   And by that I mean she wants to be conscious of it, pray about it, ask about outcomes.  

I have a problem of being too focused on just my priorities.  I have tried to change that by consciously choosing to be more present for someone else.  I stop and make a mental note of what is going on in someone else's life that is of great concern to them.  I make a conscious effort to step out of my own 'head' and turn my attention on someone else.

My friend Debbie has a habit now of calling me and talking to me when she is driving home from her 12 hour shift of nursing.  She works 2-3 days a week.  She starts with laughingly saying, "I'm sorry I am driving!"  I had to tell her it is fine, I know why she does and it is different than my ex.  Once he moved to Kansas, the ONLY time he talked to me was when he was driving home from work.  I had my suspicions then and they were right....he had someone else at his place and therefore, he could not talk to me once he was home.  And certainly could not speak to me on the weekend then.  So, I guess she gets it now.  

My son will usually just call me when he is out away from his wife.  He has his own issues to deal with there.  Btw, he is signing the closing papers on his house on Monday, which is also his 30th bday. WHAT a bday present to himself!  His contract with McGraw Hill has been extended to at least January and they may end up hiring him fulltime. Even if they don't, he now has an office to be in at home where he can study for his IT cyber security certificates and get a better paying job.

Bethany talks to me every 3rd week.  Life passes by so fast, we just don't realize how much time has passed.  She texts with me.  I pray for her daily.  I have prioritized my concern and for my kids.  

I have also prioritized myself in that I will not stay on my computer working constantly. When 5 o'clock comes, with only a few exceptions, I will shut it off.  I refuse to do work on it on Saturday, which means, also unfortunately, that I may have to sit on on Sunday evening to get things ready for the week.  I will get to a point when the weather is awful, that I may do that work on Saturday mornings instead.  

But, being that it is Sunday morning, I need to do a different kind of prioritizing and get ready for church.

Time Flies

Time Flies.  An ancient breed of insect that most people try to ignore.  Time flies will land on your life and feed off of your time.  People use anti-aging creams, little blue pills, mid-life crisis, hair dye, and botox to recapture youth in an attempt to kill the time flies but nothing has proven successful.

I seem to encourage the time flies by piling up a lot of wasted time.  It seems that way.  I look back on what I have done with my life and, while I did not accomplish what I thought I was going to accomplish when I was in my hopefilled 20's, I have accomplished quite a bit.  It all depends what you measure accomplishment with...is it a career measuring stick, a general life measuring stick, a volunteer measuring stick?  If I use the general life measuring stick it all looks pretty good.  If I use the career measuring stick, though, it is discouraging.

I have thought that if I had had a life plan and followed it, I would be in a better position in life right now.  But I just took life as it comes and jumped into whatever I felt I should do at the time.  My life has meandered off the course I had once had in my head.  I am at a place where I know I should take my own advice and plan a course and follow it.  Some plans have been made and I am working on them...or am I?

I was contemplating the Intervention Specialist certification but I figured it would take too long and cost too much money.  Then, the college I take my professional development classes from that helps me keep my license updated, sent me an email announcing their Intervention Specialist program that was only 6 classes in a year and then I could get my certification.  I still was not sure.  I prayed about it and it just seemed like I should go for it.  So, I have been doing that.  Now, I am fence sitting again...about my next move.

Just like whether or not I am ready for, or want, a new relationship.  I want to be in love.  I want to be loved.  Yet, I am kind of enjoying my aloneness to a certain extent.  I am enjoying only having to take care of me.    I am also learning to not keep buying things for my kids that they say that they need or want.  I need to take care of my own finances.  My kids are just as financially well off as I am.  My son and DIL need to figure things out better.  They have the money to cover everything but seem to spend a lot of it eating out.  I pointed them towards the lower priced grocery stores and told them, "buy it and cook it.  You won't gain so much weight but your bank account will grow fatter."  Since my son has been on a weird work schedule, I know he is eating a lot of fast food.  She could help that situation more...but she doesn't.

I went to see my daughter last night after she got off work.  Jordan was working over night.  I took our favorite thin crust pizza, her pint of almond milk ice cream, her favorite bread sticks and sauce, plus a six pack of Redd's blueberry ale.  She pigged out!  I ate more than I should have but we had a nice evening out on her balcony.  We talked about a lot of things.  I let her talk about the relationship with Jordan.  I only added words of caution with encouragement.  I basically told her to proceed with caution...things could work out...they have just seriously started working on this.  Time will tell.  I know she is most worried of ending up staying in a relationship she should have abandoned.

I, on the other hand, am going to make a concerted effort NOT to worry about my lack of relationship.  As long as nothing majorly negative turns up for me healthwise, or some life ending event does not rear its ugly head in front of me, I have quite a few years ahead of me and have time to meet someone...or not.  It will be what it will be.  I just need to make the best out of what I have.

So, having said that...I have a 'to do' list and plan on getting some of that stuff done on my list.  If I can stick to a schedule, I should be able to finish it all over my vacation time and still have days and hours left to relax and enjoy myself.

Go Peddle Crazy Somewhere Else

I helped Mr. Ex load up the furniture and such on Wednesday.  ALL heavy.  The truck bed was full, the trailer was full.  I looked at him and said, "now, I want you to admit it."
"What?"
"That you needed a trailer!"
"I could have gotten it all.."
"OH PLEASE!!!  Never mind...I am not having this discussion" and I went in the house.

I got us something to eat and he sat there and started telling me about some of his dates.  I got up from the table and went out into the kitchen.  He came out and started to pick it back up.  I held up my hand and I said, "You REALLY need to not talk so much.  You divorced me and so that you could date low lifes."  I will not continue with what all I told him because it makes me sound like a racist/bigot.  I was mad.  He actually did shut up and leave the room.

The hardest part was taking Max out to the truck.  He jumped up in the front seat.  I told Douche good bye and to make sure he took good care of Max...or else.

I was talking with my mom later when he interrupted with a call.  I thought,' oh no! Something happened!'  But...no.  He just wanted to TALK!  Will this man EVER go away?!?

I ended up not being able to go out with the new guy...Scott.  He ended up working over with the horses (they were taking off for Lexington to races the next morning, after all...I do not know why he insisted on making a date).  Then he asked me to meet him for breakfast before he left.  I reluctantly agreed because I did not want to jump and run in the morning.  It turns out he couldn't make that either.  His truck had a mechanical issue when he went to leave the horse farm the night before.  He took it into the mechanic as soon as he could in the morning and 2 hours and over $100 later it was fixed and he had to head straight to Lexington.  He won't be back for 10 days.  Which is fine considering the amount of work I have to do around here...

I have my class work to get done before the 13th...2 weeks early... because the 13 and 14th I will be at our school conferences.  The 15th I have my eye surgery.

It seems I am moving my daughter bit by bit over this next week.  AND I have a kitchen island to assemble for them.

My rose garden needs to get DONE! along with my sunroom needing to be taken care of so that I can enjoy it while I am convalescing.   I will sleep in on those days and enjoy it.

I helped Beth's bf move a dresser into the apartment (he is moved in already) and she was moving some boxes in. She disappeared into the bathroom.  Jordan finally checked on her and she was curled up in the bath tub.  The anxiety and reality of it all hit her.

Mr. Ex reported that Max has yet to eat anything. In the meantime,  back HERE, Jack finally ate some food tonight.  He and Lucy started to play around together.  AND I have not had to clean up one Jack puddle today.

Tomorrow...I have a vanity to paint, a chest of drawers to fix, a rose garden to work on.

Sunday...move the chest, a dresser, maybe the vanity.  Work on my homework.  Monday...work on the island, mow my lawn, do my job, do homework.
Tuesday, work on the island, clean my sunroom.
Wednesday...hopefully move the island..if not, it will wait until Friday.  I have work work to finish up in the meantime, along with a lot of classwork of my own.  I can do this!!!

I am NOT moving from here before next spring.  I need time to slowly clear it out.  I am not going to rush because I need a little calm.  As it is, I may be learning a new job this next year.  AND I MIGHT be working on a new relationship.  That is all I want to deal with.  It is more than enough.

Off to the Races

This has been a very 'interesting' week.

It began with Mr. Ex coming into town last Wednesday morning.  He asked if he could stop and see Bethany, take a nap and get some coffee.  It was a 12 hour drive for him, which turned into something longer because of a major 2 hour back up due to some accident on the freeway.  He ended up pulling over in a store parking lot and falling asleep for an hour.

Since I am not heartless I allowed it.  I was going to give them the grill so that Bethany, Jordan, and perhaps TJ and Brittany could have dinner with him.  Then he could take off to his mom's.  I was going to go to Trivia with my Meetup group.  But that is not how it turned out.

Jordan was too tired after work and said he did not feel well.  So, he didn't come.  Then TJ said he had a Dr's appt after work and it would be too late if he came plus he had to be up for work at 4:30 a.m.  AND Brittany was working late.  I was too tired to go to Trivia myself and planned on just cooking myself something so he and Bethany could go out to dinner.  He insisted that I go with them.  Since he was being Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice, I went.  Then the tornado sirens started going off.  It turned into a night of tornado watch as it headed for our town.  He was not going anywhere.  The tornado touched down in the town east of us (what a mess) then took a turn and headed into the town north of us. The all clear did not happen until close to midnight.

I slept on the mattress for my new bed by putting it in the bedroom/office at the end of the hall.  I let him sleep on the huge brick of a bed in my bedroom that he is taking back to Kansas with him.  My new bed may be smaller but I don't have to climb up into it AND it is ever so much more comfortable.

He came back Monday.  Monday night.  My parents had gone to a community garage sale and bought me a snow blower.  I am not sure why they have always worried about this and been insistent on me having a snow blower.  But, they got Mr. Ex to stop at their place before he came back and pick it up for me and bring it back.  My mother told me the next day that since she hadn't been around him in a while, she had forgotten about this but now knows what I mean by him making you feel irritated.  She says he is a different individual who just can't seem to help himself and leaves you feeling irritated.

I liken him to this:  it is like having a constant pain that you can't seem to get rid of so you learn to live with it and over time, it has become such a natural part of your daily life you don't really notice that it is there...but your mind knows.  Then one day, miraculously, the pain is gone.  You know something is different but you don't really notice.  You just know that you are more relaxed and things are not so difficult.  THEN...suddenly, one day, that pain returns. What is this tightness in your chest...the knot in your stomach...the choking down a scream?  OH! Wow...I had forgotten what that feels like!

With his Monday return, he is not Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice anymore because, well...he has not changed and he could not pretend forever.  He is back to Mr. Grumble and Complain about everything.

I took Max to the dog groomer to get his nails clipped in anticipation of his trip to his new home in Kansas.  Max jumped up into the front seat beside me, like he used to.  Sitting there all big and important like my co-pilot.  I cried most of the way home from the dog groomers and feeling a deep pain of hatred towards Mr. Ex for bringing so much sorrow and change into my life.

I hadn't been home very long (Mr. Ex had gone out to lunch with our son) and Bethany came in from the hair salon.  She was on the phone with her bf.  When she hung up she said, "our August apartment is ready NOW.  We have to see it Thursday but if it is good, we can get started moving in...already."

I lost it.  Too many changes all at once.  I was preparing myself for her moving out, but not NOW.  It wasn't long before Mr. Ex and TJ came in the door. Bethany told her dad about moving out, he saw me in the family room cleaning something (that's what I do when I am upset) and started to say something to me.  I was holding a big scrub brush.  I looked at him and said, "you really do not want to be talking to me right now." and it came out sounding like a hiss!  He just turned on his heel and went back outside.

He and TJ and Bethany loaded the couch in the family room to take to TJ's.  I bought them a cover for it.  It was an extra and a steel frame couch.  The one they had was falling apart....very cheap.  I figure this way, they get a couch and I have one less thing to get rid of myself in anticipation of moving.    I had also found them this great coffee table that the top lifts up on it and locks into place like a table.  So, they loaded that into the back of Mr. Ex's truck too.  Then Bethany hopped into the truck with them and away they went.

I pulled myself together and went on a first date with a new guy.  He seems nice.  He seems to really like ME.  He trains and races horses (harness racing).  He loves his job.  Everyone should find something they like.  Not a swear word out of his mouth.  He even insisted on saying a prayer before our meal.  He likes to do just about anything.  He has a great, happy attitude about life.  Not a bad looking guy!  He looks a bit older than me but he is younger.  It is mainly the gray hair but he is not bad looking.  Before I left the restaurant, he wanted to lock down a date for Thursday night.  He will be leaving town for harness racing in KY for about a week but he wanted to get one more date in before he left.   So, we are going to a movie.

I remember doing one of those weird quizzes that mean nothing on FB a few months ago.  It was supposed to foretell what will happen in your life within the next year.  It told me I would have a new home and someone new in my life.  I am thinking I may have someone new in my life but I may not be moving. If he turns out to be someone pretty great, I will hang here.  My mother will be disappointed but she will learn to live with it.  BUT I am getting way ahead of the game.

My boss was going over our year end evaluations.  She sent me an email asking me if I was taking the Intervention Specialist classes because this is something I really want to do eventually (silly question?). She said, if I want, she can talk to Johna (head of the Special Ed department). I could possibly get a temporary IS cert. until I can get my actual license next spring and I could work for our school as an IS next year.  It wouldn't really be any more money but I would view it as paid on the job training.  I told her she could talk to Johna and see if it is a possibility...then I would make up my mind.  I really like the job I am doing BUT I miss being a teacher.  If I do this on the job training with OHVA, it would be a year's experience then I could get hired for way more money somewhere else.

God is really taking me out of my comfort zone.  I wanted  peace and calm and stability.  I am getting the opposite.  Everything is in turmoil right now.

And today...I have EOY school stuff to do to batten down the hatches and help Mr. Ex load up some stuff so he can get his butt out of here. There is NO WAY he could have fit everything he needed to take into the 6 ft. bed of his truck.  I told him that he needed to rent a trailer BECAUSE, and I looked him in the eye and said, "When you take off out of here, this is the last time.  You divorced me and I cannot have you around.  It is painful and not fair to ME.  I need you to realize that you have to be gone.  So, if you don't get what you want now, I am just going to get rid of it myself."  It clicked with him and he agreed to rent a trailer.  So, this is it.  Gone.  The final send off.  Maybe he will find himself a gf.  Make more of an effort.  Move on...like he wanted to.

Odd how he was the one that initiated the divorce yet he kept one foot in my door.  He has always been one of those ppl that could not fully commit to a decision.  I always had to do it.  It drives me crazy to waffle on the fence.  I will just jump on one side or the other realizing it may not be the best decision but it is a decision.  And I could always do damage control later if I have to but at least I committed to something.  He couldn't even commit to a marriage. His whole life is indecision.  To tell you the truth, I think he would get back with me if I was the one to say, "We are going to work on this and put this back together."  And if you look at it, I was the one that really pulled the trigger on the divorce.  He said he wanted it but was not really doing anything about it.  I got the lawyer, got the papers drawn up, negotiated it out with him and set the court date and even picked his butt up at the hotel and took him to the courthouse.  If I had not done that, we may still be married.  And now, I have made the decision for him to leave out of here and not come back.  I have dealt with it in my own mind and while it will be different living without that pain in my arse, I will darned well get used to it because I have made a decision...a final decision...the gavel has come down and made it official.  Take his Grumbling and Complaining butt back to Kansas where he can do what he wants, when he wants and never have to worry about someone else messing it up.

oy.

Oy with the Poodles Already

I did it.  I met Matt for dinner.  WHYYYYY????

Let's just say, besides the fact that his picture was not a true representation of him, personality wise he was an obnoxious ass.

Nuff said.  That's done.

I am on vacation this week.  Vacation from my paying gig.  I am doing some things around the house.  Mostly trying to get the outside fixed up.  I like getting things cleaned up and everything is growing so nice!  I think this year I may add some more rose bushes.  I do have to replace one of the Spirea bushes that took a powder on me.  Not sure why.  It just did.  I want to do something with the backyard this year.

I also have a kitchen I want to do something with...paint the cupboards and the walls, put up my backsplash.  It will look so nice!  I just need to do it...stick to it.  I hope my job doesn't kill me this summer.  LOL

I have 3 more weeks of real school after my vacation.  Then they will have us do 'something' for about 2 more weeks.  THEN we all have 2 weeks off.

TJ and Brit are deep into the last plans for their wedding. They are getting married in a vineyard and having a country themed small reception.  I volunteered to do the food and they are making it easy.  Bbq chicken, ham, green bean casserole, corn, corn bread, cole slaw...and perhaps I can do some of my potato salad.  There will be the wedding cake, of course.  I hope it is a really nice day for them.

Make Up My Mind for Me!

I thought I was going to give Matt the online guy another chance.  I made one small step towards that and called him.  We had a half an hour conversation and throughout most of the conversation he was irritating me.  I was trying to talk about things in my life...nothing heavy...just everyday occurrances.  For instance, I was talking about how amazing it is to see my bills go down with one less person in the house and what I can save on once my daughter moves out, i.e. cable bill.  He cut me off with putting me down for even subscribing to cable and how satellite is so much better, etc.  When he finally shut up I said, "ok.  Well, it works better for me right now because they have the better internet service and I get a discount on my cable and home phone because..."
"Home phone?!?  who uses a home phone anymore?  If you have decent cell phone service no one needs a home phone anymore!  I haven't had a home phone for (?) years!"
*sigh*  "As I was saying, I save money with the bundle package..."
"They can't MAKE you choose a bundle package...they got sued for that.  You don't HAVE to do a bundle.  You could just use the internet if you want.  I have their internet until (whatever company) extends their service into my area."
"They did not MAKE me choose a bundle.  I did because it was more economical and I liked having a home phone, too, at the time, however I do need to go to the office and talk to them about NOT having the home phone, maybe, because..."
"You should get rid of that home phone.  That will save you money on your bill right there.  They are charging you for something I'll bet you don't even use anymore. When was the last time you used your home phone?"
"As I was saying, since it is a bundle package, if I get rid of the home phone, it will change my package and it may cost the same, anyway."
"oh.  I getcha."

REALLY?  It took me FOREVER just to get that one thing out.  Then he ends the conversation with,
"Well, I'm home now.  Thanks for the home commute conversation.  I am going to go in and make some dinner and do some laundry,  I hope we can talk again soon."

Sounded JUST LIKE my ex after he had moved to Kansas.  The only conversations we had were when he was driving back to his apartment from his job.  Once he got home I got the "Well, I'm home now.  I'm going in and make dinner and watch TV.  Talk to you tomorrow."

The only difference is that while Darkness was driving his conversation mostly consisted of remarks about the other asshole drivers on the road.

So...Matt is off the list. There has GOT to be intelligent life out there SOMEWHERE!

Fighting to the Surface

It was one of those days...where I don't want to deal.  I want someone else to run the show.  But I don't want to open the door and let someone else in.

I just can't do it.  I definitely am NOT doing the online 'meet your perfect mate' thing.  I gave it another try and...brag about possessions, the money his siblings make...mostly bragged about his brother the millionaire (why, I don't know)...then bragged about how young he was when he got his license to fly an airplane...then he talked down to me when I would ask a question like I am an idiot.  The next day he sends me texts about how pretty he thinks I am...how I look so much younger than the age I told him I am. Who would lie and say they are older?

Then I spent Friday night with my friend Jean.  I was feeling unusually stressed by the revelation that I may never meet a guy that has some intelligence, is down to earth, easy going, has a sense of humor, etc.  I was also getting texts from Darkness like  'it sounds weird but I still love you'.  I told him it is BS because  he put me through Hell and you don't treat people you love like that.  I was feeling like I was wading in a river of shit by then.  So I texted Jean and asked her if she was busy after school (she works as a speech pathologist).  She said she was doing laundry...did I have something better to do.  I said, "I am feeling a need for some tropical mai tai."  she said, "I'm in!" The best ones we know are at Red Robin.  I got there before her and got a table and ordered us each one.  We had a great, fun dinner and drinks.  Our waiter was a funny young guy...entertaining.  LOL

Then I went home, let the dogs out, changed into some comfortable yoga pants and sweatshirt, stopped at the Redbox and picked a couple of movies and headed over to her place where we sat, watched a movie, drank wine and yapped.

She told me about her ex.  He sounded so very deviant.  He and his friends. Now mind you, this ex of hers had been the superintendent of the school system and his friends were teachers and coaches within the school system.  They had went on trips together, dropped drugs in their wives' drinks then played musical rooms with the knocked out naked wives!!  He was also bedding two other women in the next town.  She cried and shook her head and told me she had never told anyone else about it.

I listened in horror...but did not show it on my face.

When it really comes down to it...Darkness is just immature.  He is like the little kid who always thinks he's missing out on something.  He has let others influence his thoughts and deeds.

He told me this week that he had not appreciated me.  I told him that I would not argue with him on that point but hind sight was a sorrowful thing.

I kept waiting for him to grow up...and get it.  It never happened.  It never will.  He needs to shut up and keep his epiphanies to himself.  He is just feeling lonely right now,  It will pass.  The biggest thing is this...even IF some miraculous thunderbolt struck his brain and he was suddenly grown up and came back on bended knee begging my forgiveness and to take him back...even if I KNEW he really had changed...I STILL would not take him back.  I would wish him well and send him on his way.  He gave me too much heart ache and loads of bad memories.

I went to Walmart tonight to pick up some yogurt for me and get the dogs some dog treats.  On the way out I ran into one of my neighbors across the street, Larry.  He told me that Phyllis the Crazy Piano lady has colon cancer and is dying.  The neighborhood has changed so much just in the 8 years since we have been here.

He also sold the house next to him (he is a retired real estate agent but if anyone in the neighborhood needs to sell their house, he does it and does it quickly) in 3 days!  I asked him if the house was that great or if he thought it was location (the schools are a block away and the city park is 3 blocks away).  He said the house is not that great BUT the owner had ripped up the carpets and it had laminate floors plus the walls were all freshly painted.  He said the proximity to the schools was the biggest factor because it is a couple with young kids.  Also, the last owner put a privacy fence around the yard...which we have done, too.  This made me feel a bit better because I may have a fairly easy time selling the house when I decide to sell.   And get my money out of it.

My mother asked me if I had mortgage insurance.  I told her yes..why?  She told me not to be too quick to take Darkness' name off the mortgage because with his stupidity he might get himself into a situation that ends him and then my mortgage would be paid off.  I am not sure about that.  I am pretty sure since both of our names are on the mortgage then we would both have to die.  I hope she isn't planning something.  Ha ha!

I told Larry what Bethany is going to college for and his eyes lit up.  He told me about a job with kids from broken homes.  The place is attached to the local hospital and the job is federally funded and it pays really well.  I told Bethany about it and I told her that since her dad was nice enough to tell me not to worry about getting his name off the mortgage that would give me more time in the house...and her...and if she wanted to go for her BS degree she could...or work that job...or both.  I told her it just gives her/us more options.  She is excited.  I think she would love working with those kids.

It looks like I have a really good chance of being offered a 2 year contract  on my job.  In the meantime, I will be working away...1 class at a time...on my Masters and letting my employer pay for it.

I just want to pull up out of this funk.  I feel like someone threw me into the deep end of the pool and I am fighting to get to the surface of the water.

Knock Out

For 3 days now I have felt like I have had a nasty case of the flu.  It isn't the flu...allergies, weather...rain rain damp...blech.

I had a charter school call me for an interview for this next Tuesday.  I don't even remember applying to them.  If I did it was quite a while ago.  I can't find the application.  I don't know what I applied for!   But I am doing my research on the school.  My most recent Special Ed. instructor is here in Ohio.  She filled me in on all the new changes to the state curriculum.  What a mess.  She also advised me on what to study up on. 

Jackie told me that when the interview is over, the one question I should ask them is when I can start...after I have convinced them that I am perfect for the job.  I will have to think about that.  I am going to take some questions with me. 

I gave up taking Sudafed a few years ago.  It was when I got vertigo from a sinus infection I let go too long without doing something about it.  The nurse practitioner told me why Sudafed was bad and mucinex should be the drug of choice.  I have decided that mucinex is good for congestion however, for sinus problems...I am going back to Sudafed.  So, I went to the store and found some.  My head feels somewhat better already AND I have some energy. 

TJ and Bethany are walking around with their chins dragging.  Evil Spawn has turned out to be even worse than I had come to accept.  They gave him an ultimatum concerning Thug Life...he either gets her out of his life and grow into his age OR they will lock him out of their lives.  He basically told them it is his life and he will see whom he wants.  So....they are looking for locks.  Such a waste of flesh. 

Their biggest problem with it all...he lectured them endlessly about what type of people he would find unacceptable to have in their lives.  And this female he has chosen to have in his life is everything he lectured them that would be unacceptable.  Besides the fact that she is pretty trashy. 

In the meantime, Dwane keeps after me.  He insists we would be great together.  He is going into preaching.  Right now he has a photography studio and a jazz band.  He is a big guy.  Tall, kinda big around the middle but that isn't a thing.  I don't know...I guess time will tell.  I am not there.

One Step Forward, One Step Backward

I either am not really ready for dating or I just did not find the right guy to date.  I think I should probably get one thing settled in my life before I try to take on something else.  That one thing I need to get settled is the job.  Taking on another person in my life is just too much of an anxiety for me.

I cancelled on Brian today.  I cancelled on Dan last night.  I keep putting Jim off and I should just tell them all I am not ready yet.  I made a mistake.  I am just afraid of another person in my life telling me what I am doing wrong.

On the bright side, I got some grades back on some more of my papers:  100%, 94% and 93%.  I have 3 more grades to get back.  And in the meantime, I am going to make myself be more proactive this next week.  I am making a list of what I am going to do and on what day.  A WRITTEN list.  I have been carrying it around in my head and it looks overwhelming swimming around up there.

I am not entirely sure I am done with menopause...or there is something else going on.  I will randomly get really really hot and break out in a sweat.  I think I am going to just spontaneously combust!  Then it goes away.  Maybe God has heard my prayer to melt the fat off of me and that is what He is doing...turning up the heat to melt the fat!!!  LOL

Okay.  Back to the book, the reading, vacuuming, laundry, applications (I am still getting job notices everyday).  But not back to the dating.  That is a big NO for now.  At least I keep trying. 

Here is the thing with my life that I don't get....nobody is perfect.  We all do wrong.  But when I do something that isn't right, I apologize for it.  Or I ask God for forgiveness...it depends on what it is.  Then I try not to do it again. However, and this could be because I pick the wrong people to open up to and trust, I do not get an apology.  I am sick and tired of people making me out  to be so much more worse than I am.  And, no, this is not anything recent but I carry hurt for a long time.  Especially after I have trusted people with who I am...my thoughts, and secrets and then they turn around and use it against me.  I guess I will just not do that anymore.  Not trust.  (I know you are reading this and you know who you are.  Shame on you.   Oh...you have it all right)

Try and Try and Try Again

Brian was nice.  I am not sure I can feel anything 'romantic' for him.  Nothing wrong with him.  I am not sure at this point I can feel 'romantic' for anyone.  Not sure if it is depression or just not having a good enough opinion of myself.  However, he seems to like hanging with me.  He didn't even try to give me a hug, let alone a kiss. 

I met with Dianne this afternoon and she filled me in on newer education standards.  She went over common core with me.  It isn't a bad idea...it is how it is executed and when.  Common core would work if they had some way of working the kids into it instead of just dumping it on them and the teachers and saying "there ya go!"  Too much testing too.  And with the schools losing money and pulling back on paraprofessionals it just creates a real burden on the teachers.  Why am I doing this? 
Dianne told me to try and get into online teaching.  I told her that is my goal. 

In the meantime....I will do what I can do.  I am doing applications still.  Next Tuesday I go take my $105 reading endorsement test.  I would like to take the middle school math endorsement test but I can't afford the other $105.  Not now.  I will take it as soon as I can.

The only thing that keeps the depression from setting in is class.  Reading, learning...stretching my brain.  Socialization is helpful but learning is better.  I took 2 weeks off from class so I could get things done in my yard but it has either rained or been so hot we have had advisories to stay indoors. 

I have a paper to finish this week...another one next week but other than the test that will take up 5 hours of my time on Tuesday afternoon, I have nothing scheduled.  It is supposed to, at this point in weather time, rain most of the week next week so I guess I will use some time to get things painted and organized inside. 

Everyone tells me to relax and enjoy my summer.  Kinda difficult when I am not sure about the job situation.  When I get anxious I spend some time on my knees. 

Well, time to get dinner for TJ and I.  I would think I would start dropping some weight.  I haven't been eating much.  Not much of an appetite. 

Brian plans on taking me for sushi sometime this weekend.  I like sushi so I do not know why I am not more happy about it.  Depression.

Just what is mid-life crisis good for? Is it a REAL thing or just a blanket excuse for guys of a certain age deciding that the woman they were married to for 20+ years is probably the reason for their restlessness and unhappiness? 

And I am Still Here

I did not much of anything today....yesterday now.  I was up until 2:30 a.m. Monday getting my class assignments done and in.  I had until 3 a.m. because it had to be in my 12 a.m. Arizona time.  I could have had it in a lot sooner but I decided to watch the NBA finals.  I sacrificed.  LOL 

The dogs let me sleep in until almost 9 a. m. because I let them out rather late.  And then, when I woke up I realized I didn't have a paper to work on!  I did not do yardwork because the rain was off and on and everything was soaked.  I could have done some housework but...I didn't.  Big mistake.

I have 2 dates this week...2 different guys.  The one on Wednesday (Brian) lives more than an hour away.  Then there is Dan...Friday evenings at a mom n pop restaurant here in town.  He is about a 20 minute drive into the country from here.  There is still another guy that lives in the next town, Jim, who wanted me to meet him for dinner here in town tomorrow night (tonight now).  I put him off.  This whole dating thing makes me want to have a panic attack. 

I have been watching James MacDonald and more Joyce Meyer.  James MacDonald is phenomenal.  He really digs deep.  Joyce helps smooth you out.  Between the two of them I have really faced all the things I have done wrong that helped crumble my relationships.  It has been really cathartic.  I have done a lot of repentance and cleaning out the crumbs. 

TJ has been doing quite a bit of news anchoring.  He got called in to do a few hours of anchoring tonight because of storms and accidents closing down two different sections of freeway.  He is still pretty nervous but he is getting better. 

Tomorrow (today!) I can't be such a plop.  I have a lot to do.  Some of it I WANT to do.  LOL

Weary

I am going to MAKE myself meet this Brian guy.  Not sure I am doing the right thing.  I don't feel excited or...anything.  I realized that I feel nothing. 

I feel like after the last 25 years I am emotionally drained.  I am not sure I will ever feel anything again.  Even worse, I'm not sure I care.  Do I need a guy to tell me he loves me?  Do I need a guy to look at me and tell me he thinks I am pretty?  Or that he likes my weirdness? 

Frankly, I am kinda feeling like I don't care.

I have wrapped my head around my class stuff and looking forward to the next 2 weeks after this.  I let 'the final move' and anxiety over a job take over my head too much and now it is crunch time with my classes.  I take small breaks here and there to try and give my brain something else to think about once in a while.  I vacuum a room (for some reason I get good ideas when I vacuum) or I make a quick phone call to one of my sisters.  They understand and can keep the conversation short.  My mother, not so much.  I won't be talking to her quite so much this week.

Next week is filling up.  One afternoon is a 'study session' with Dianne about the new school teaching standards and common core and IEPs.  Then there is the breakfast meet with Brian and on to my younger sister's house for a visit.  Then there is the lunch with Pam.  We are going to a Mom and Pop restaurant here in town that I have never tried out. 

I told my son about the YouTube videos concerning Marriage and relationships by Jim and Karen Evans.   They are excellent and told him that I think he and Brittany should watch those NOW and try to pre-empt any problems before they get married.  He said they watched 2 of them last night and then discussed things.  He said it really helped them talk about things and get a different understanding.  I told him that if there is something that will help them be a better couple and not have to go through what his father and I have gone through then it is something they need to stick with.

Bethany and Jordan got signed up for their classes.  He has an extra class his first semester that she doesn't have to take for some reason.  And they have different math classes because she tests better at math than he does.  They decided to take their classes at the main campus and were able to get all but one of them scheduled for Tues/Thur.  She will have a bit of a wait in between a couple of classes while he is in class but she says that is fine because she will do her classwork so she doesn't have to do it at home.   I told her I did that one semester...got all of my classes into 2 days.  But I was taking more hours in one semester than she is.  She has 12...I was taking 17.  It just about killed me.  The break between Thur and the next Tues was great BUT if I had classwork from Tues that was due on Thur my Wednesday was intense.  She will be fine.

Troy still passes through my mind from time to time.  Just wonder how he is.  But that really is it.  It is amazing to me that I really don't feel any anger or ANYTHING when I think of him.   It is good...but amazing.  I still feel some sadness every now and then with the knowledge that I didn't get my happy family unit that I worked so hard for...but...it was what it was and it could have been worse. 

Now...back to it.  And IT is making me tired.  LOL

Ugh...but why?

I really hate the applications.  I think applications are the single most torturous reason why people don't want to leave a job they already have even if it is crap.  But...it is my day.  I keep looking out the window at the tree and thinking that if I just keep my head down and nose to the grindstone for another 11 days I can then spend more of my time outside. 

Interviews are another torture.  blech.

I am trying to arrange a 'study session' with my former pastor's wife (he is the former pastor...she is not the former wife).  She is very nice, lives a short walk from my house, and she has been a teacher for almost 30 years.  She also USED to be a special education teacher.  I need someone to help me get up to speed on some of the new standards and understand the common core thing.  It will help me secure a teaching job.  SO MUCH TO LEARN!

I had to inform the ex that, while it was nice that he gave me a whole pile of alimony checks to cash, I wished he hadn't dated them all.  The last time he gave me checks, I filled in the date when I cashed them.  The 30th of the month sometimes comes on a Saturday or Sunday and he would let me cash them on the Friday before.  Plus, for some reason he skipped from Sept. 2015 to October 2016.  So now he has to send me checks in the mail...which we were trying to avoid. 

I have not heard back from him about that.  Probably won't.  I wasn't planning on having to communicate with him.  Nothing against him...just shouldn't be communicating. 

Anyhow...head down...and need to find the time to get my lawn mowed too.  TJ has 3 days off from work and he and Brit are going out of town to get away from her family and enjoy themselves.  Bethany will be working.  That leaves me and the dogs and my computer...lots of work to do and research.  At least it is keeping me out of trouble.

Brian demands a certain amount of attention but he will relax.  He is waiting to take me out to dinner.  Kinda wondering how that will go.  His voice has a bit of a twang to it.  He says he grew up in southern Indiana...near the Appalachians.  He sounds like West Virginia...or actually Cincinnati.  A lot of people down there sound like that because they moved in from West Virginia and Kentucky.  There are certain types of accents that conjure up not so great opinions in my head.  This is why I am kind of preferring to text him right now.  And it is dumb because he is intelligent.  I have to get over it.   After all, Sheriff Andy Taylor was a smart man!  LOL  I am the dumb one for letting that accent bother me.  I know once I am speaking with him in person it will be different.  After all, I lived in Arkansas and did not automatically feel EVERYONE was not intelligent there.  Just the ones that said things like the black population was bringing down the school test scores.  (eye roll) 

It was sort of funny when Brian told me he would like to help me celebrate the end of my class. Then he said he meant take me out to dinner. THEN he said he was sorry if he was being too aggressive.  I told him when he said anything about celebrate I had not really thought anything about what he might have meant and the only way I would think he is being aggressive is if he TOLD me what to say/think/act/wear.  Otherwise it is pretty difficult to set on my toes so just relax.  He just said, "whew.  good to know."  I sent him a link to Gilmore Girls and he said he though it was kinda quirky and he wants to watch all the shows now.  I am brainwashing him already. 

I still am not set on another guy in my life.  I am glad he believes in taking things slow. 

Losing It Makes You Better

Almost every morning my younger sister calls me and complains about being fat, her girls being fat, her job, etc.  This morning was no different.  She told me that she told her girls that every day this summer they are all going on a walk.  Then she turns around and says, "oh. I can't get myself motivated.  How am I going to motivate us all?" 

I was not feeling quite so charitable this morning.  I just said, "You WILL do it because you know it is the only thing that is going to make a difference.  Here I sit with no husband and no job.  How do you think I feel? " 

I talked to Brian this morning too.  He works 2nd shift cuz he says he likes it better.  I really need to correct myself...I didn't talk to Brian as much as he talked to me.  He talks A LOT.   He says he is not always that way.  He is at first because he is nervous.  I really need to follow through and meet him in person.  I told him I would meet him once I am done with my class...June 7. 

I sat and thought about my life after getting off the phone with him.   I really hate this.  Having to do the dating thing all over again.  I hated it the first time around.  I remember thinking then that I would never find anyone that I could stand to spend the rest of my life with.  Then I just married Troy cuz I got tired of looking and waiting and I thought he and I would be okay.  I did love him...just not in an all consuming way. 

I thought about not having a job and that I need to quit waiting for the job I want and just get a job.  Period. 

I cried about it again.  Just because I am afraid.  I am not angry.  Just sad.  No longer angry.  And I finally got the message that this is going to be better. 

And now Brian texts...a lot.  As I said, I hope I can go through with this.  I need to.  He is just kinda...in a different place.  He has been divorced for 7 years.  I have been divorced for 7 months.  ugh

Oh Forget It

Is it the full moon, like one of my friends suggested?  Or is it that by trying to be a shoulder for my friend/ex SIL Belinda to cry on after her dad died that did it?

I fell.  Two steps forward one step back.  I was listening to Belinda relay her feelings...the hurt, the depression and wondering when it would go away or at least not be so strong.  It took me back to remembering how bad that felt for me a few months ago.  And then it unearthed the feelings I thought I had buried...evidently not deep enough.  I have been angry, again, every since.

Then I had some guy from the gardening club I joined contact me through a dating site.  When I told him he was too young for me to date he got nasty.  REALLY?  Who gets upset by being told they are too young?  By the way he reacted he wasn't just too young physically, he is immature.  What I didn't tell him was the other reason I wasn't interested was because he looked like a homeless man. 

THEN I got a call from the guy that reminded me of Dax Shepherd and he didn't like my political views.  Fine.  I am not figuring I could live with yours either. 

Because of weirdo #1 I took myself off of one dating site thus losing my contact with Thomas.  Because of weirdo #2 I realized I really am not ready to want to put up with this whole online dating thing...or dating right now at all.  So I sent a message to the guy I was supposed to have dinner with Friday night and explained why I was cancelling the dinner.  He was nice, said he understood because he still struggles with whether he is ready or not.  Then I deleted myself from ALL dating sites. 

Now I know I am losing weight for me and no other reason.

I felt better actually.  I thought I was going forward a bit too fast. But because I was still in a 'mood', I didn't go to my paint nite.  I wasn't feeling it. 

However, I AM going to the meetup late lunch/early dinner at the Buffalo Jacks on Saturday. I have been wanting to go there for years.  I am not giving that up.

I attended a virtual educator job fair today.  I could tell from the interest and job openings that I am getting my masters in the right area.  I also found that once I get my masters in spec. ed and teach for a couple of years, I can pick up a few adjunct faculty jobs to supplement my income/retirement. 

The only immediate concern is getting a job.

0 to 60

So...wow.  I joined some meet up groups.  These are groups that you sign up with online according to your interests.  Yes, it is a group of strangers but they are people that share a common interest with you...and, like you, they want to have someone to go places and do things with according to this common interest. 

So I started with one called 'Friends First'.  Everyone is single for any reason...divorce, widowed, never married...and just wants a friend/friends to meet with for coffee/lunch/dinner and conversation.  Sometimes outings are planned for various things.  I met for morning coffee at a cute little coffee shop.  It was nice to get out of the house and have grownups to have conversation with on various subjects.  I get to  explore different places in the metro area.

I joined a gardening group hoping to get some tips and pointers on how to get rid of some of the nuisances in my gardens.  We get to tour gardens and find out which plants grow best in this nasty clay.  LOL  We had our first meetup this last Saturday.  Then, one of the guys that was at the meeting found me on a dating site and sent me a message asking me to meet him for coffee.  I politely explained that he was too young for me (8 years younger).  He seemed to be quite put out by that.  Another reason I didn't want to have coffee, or anything else with him, is that he looked somewhat like a homeless dude.  Seriously...

I also joined a Paint Nite group.  I don't know if they do this everywhere but what this is, an artist reserves a room at a restaurant that serves wine, and you pay to go and do a replica of a specific painting and drink wine.  My daughter went to a painting party (sans wine) and it looked like fun.  The paint party I chose is to do a picture that will go great with the new colors I have chosen for my kitchen.  (I need a painting party for my walls).

I have also signed up on 2 dating sites.  One is free and I 'met' one guy named Thomas on there.  He works on the Air Force base and is a database analyst.  He is a bigger guy, is a Christian, rides a Harley. 

The other date site charges a small monthly fee if you want to receive and answer messages.  I met 2 guys on that one.  Kirk, who is a RN, is a Christian, his looks and the sound of his voice/laugh remind me of Dax Shepherd.  He has two 'kids'...a boy and girl...30 and 33 respectively...and a granddaughter.  He lives with his 86 year old dad because his dad needs care.  We haven't met in person, yet, but we have texted a lot and have had one really long conversation. 

The other guy I met on that site is Michael.  He is a couple years older than I, is an administrator at a community college not too far from here, has 4 grown kids (3 boys, 1 girl) and he and I are having dinner this Friday night.  We have not spoken on the phone...only email through the site.  He seems a bit 'stiff' but nice.  I guess we'll see.

I am not getting nervous about whether or not I like them or they dislike me.  I am in no big hurry.  There are lots of ppl on this earth and a great many of them are guys.  I would like to fall in love someday...remarry...but not right away. 

I also signed up to start work on my Masters'.  I am getting my Masters' in Special Education and I start March 9.  I will be done June 2016.  Just in time to renew my teacher license. 

And I am in contact with a company that owns/runs charter schools in various areas of various states.  We'll see how that goes. 

I also, finally, looked at a picture of  Evil Spawn's Gangsta gf, Thug Life.  (thanks Karen)  That made it easier to move on.  wow.  He traded down.  She is 17 years younger than me but looks older than I.  Pudgy, tattooed up, deep furrows in her forehead and her hair...well, no thought goes into that mess.  So...when Karen, and others, told me he is with who he SHOULD have been with all along...I get it. 

Today I had a tooth extracted.  It broke.  Dr. Bob had to wrench it out and put a bone graft in so I can get a permanent implant put in later.  It is a molar but when I smile wide you could see the gap.  I have to wait 4 months for the bone graft to solidify and in the meantime, they are giving me a retainer with a fake tooth in it for me to wear.  My son's gf wears one of those and you really cannot tell!  The BEST PART of it all was the dental insurance dropped me on Feb.28 (Evil Spawn still had me on his dental insurance but open enrollment took place and since we are now divorced I had to be dropped) so the whole procedure, et al, had to be paid by me.  I put it on the joint credit card and it will be paid off in 3 payments...Unless I get a job soon then I will just pay it off earlier.  Unemployment only goes just so far. 

I keep calling him Evil Spawn.  He was a terrible husband in so many ways.  However, I am thankful that he stuck around to support his family monetarily until the kids were grown.  I am also grateful that he helped with med/dental/vision insurance as long as he was allowed and still carries it for the kids, I am grateful for the alimony and that he is working with me on the house issue, and grateful that he still allows me to use the credit card when I need to.  It is 'joint' only until he decides to remove me as an authorized user.

He is what he is.  He just doesn't get it.  Even though I have an idea what he is all about in the head, it does not change the fact that he is not anyone that I choose to be friends with.  I told him that from now on the only thing we are to each other is some other person in the family photos.  I was not trying to be mean...just emphasizing how well he doesn't know me after 25 years of marriage.  He worries that I am going to sell/ruin/break the collectibles and other belongings he left here until he can move them out in May.  I may THINK about it but I am not that person. 

So this week I filled up my calendar with things to do.  I went from being home all the time...to being social again! 

I am filling it up for July already too.  The kids and I bought tickets for a couple of concerts.  One concert is Boston!  Woohoo! The second concert is Fallout Boy.  I am really looking forward to them both.  I think it is pretty sweet that my kids like going to concerts with their 'old' mom.  LOL