Off to the Races

This has been a very 'interesting' week.

It began with Mr. Ex coming into town last Wednesday morning.  He asked if he could stop and see Bethany, take a nap and get some coffee.  It was a 12 hour drive for him, which turned into something longer because of a major 2 hour back up due to some accident on the freeway.  He ended up pulling over in a store parking lot and falling asleep for an hour.

Since I am not heartless I allowed it.  I was going to give them the grill so that Bethany, Jordan, and perhaps TJ and Brittany could have dinner with him.  Then he could take off to his mom's.  I was going to go to Trivia with my Meetup group.  But that is not how it turned out.

Jordan was too tired after work and said he did not feel well.  So, he didn't come.  Then TJ said he had a Dr's appt after work and it would be too late if he came plus he had to be up for work at 4:30 a.m.  AND Brittany was working late.  I was too tired to go to Trivia myself and planned on just cooking myself something so he and Bethany could go out to dinner.  He insisted that I go with them.  Since he was being Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice, I went.  Then the tornado sirens started going off.  It turned into a night of tornado watch as it headed for our town.  He was not going anywhere.  The tornado touched down in the town east of us (what a mess) then took a turn and headed into the town north of us. The all clear did not happen until close to midnight.

I slept on the mattress for my new bed by putting it in the bedroom/office at the end of the hall.  I let him sleep on the huge brick of a bed in my bedroom that he is taking back to Kansas with him.  My new bed may be smaller but I don't have to climb up into it AND it is ever so much more comfortable.

He came back Monday.  Monday night.  My parents had gone to a community garage sale and bought me a snow blower.  I am not sure why they have always worried about this and been insistent on me having a snow blower.  But, they got Mr. Ex to stop at their place before he came back and pick it up for me and bring it back.  My mother told me the next day that since she hadn't been around him in a while, she had forgotten about this but now knows what I mean by him making you feel irritated.  She says he is a different individual who just can't seem to help himself and leaves you feeling irritated.

I liken him to this:  it is like having a constant pain that you can't seem to get rid of so you learn to live with it and over time, it has become such a natural part of your daily life you don't really notice that it is there...but your mind knows.  Then one day, miraculously, the pain is gone.  You know something is different but you don't really notice.  You just know that you are more relaxed and things are not so difficult.  THEN...suddenly, one day, that pain returns. What is this tightness in your chest...the knot in your stomach...the choking down a scream?  OH! Wow...I had forgotten what that feels like!

With his Monday return, he is not Mr. Ever-So-Sparkling Nice anymore because, well...he has not changed and he could not pretend forever.  He is back to Mr. Grumble and Complain about everything.

I took Max to the dog groomer to get his nails clipped in anticipation of his trip to his new home in Kansas.  Max jumped up into the front seat beside me, like he used to.  Sitting there all big and important like my co-pilot.  I cried most of the way home from the dog groomers and feeling a deep pain of hatred towards Mr. Ex for bringing so much sorrow and change into my life.

I hadn't been home very long (Mr. Ex had gone out to lunch with our son) and Bethany came in from the hair salon.  She was on the phone with her bf.  When she hung up she said, "our August apartment is ready NOW.  We have to see it Thursday but if it is good, we can get started moving in...already."

I lost it.  Too many changes all at once.  I was preparing myself for her moving out, but not NOW.  It wasn't long before Mr. Ex and TJ came in the door. Bethany told her dad about moving out, he saw me in the family room cleaning something (that's what I do when I am upset) and started to say something to me.  I was holding a big scrub brush.  I looked at him and said, "you really do not want to be talking to me right now." and it came out sounding like a hiss!  He just turned on his heel and went back outside.

He and TJ and Bethany loaded the couch in the family room to take to TJ's.  I bought them a cover for it.  It was an extra and a steel frame couch.  The one they had was falling apart....very cheap.  I figure this way, they get a couch and I have one less thing to get rid of myself in anticipation of moving.    I had also found them this great coffee table that the top lifts up on it and locks into place like a table.  So, they loaded that into the back of Mr. Ex's truck too.  Then Bethany hopped into the truck with them and away they went.

I pulled myself together and went on a first date with a new guy.  He seems nice.  He seems to really like ME.  He trains and races horses (harness racing).  He loves his job.  Everyone should find something they like.  Not a swear word out of his mouth.  He even insisted on saying a prayer before our meal.  He likes to do just about anything.  He has a great, happy attitude about life.  Not a bad looking guy!  He looks a bit older than me but he is younger.  It is mainly the gray hair but he is not bad looking.  Before I left the restaurant, he wanted to lock down a date for Thursday night.  He will be leaving town for harness racing in KY for about a week but he wanted to get one more date in before he left.   So, we are going to a movie.

I remember doing one of those weird quizzes that mean nothing on FB a few months ago.  It was supposed to foretell what will happen in your life within the next year.  It told me I would have a new home and someone new in my life.  I am thinking I may have someone new in my life but I may not be moving. If he turns out to be someone pretty great, I will hang here.  My mother will be disappointed but she will learn to live with it.  BUT I am getting way ahead of the game.

My boss was going over our year end evaluations.  She sent me an email asking me if I was taking the Intervention Specialist classes because this is something I really want to do eventually (silly question?). She said, if I want, she can talk to Johna (head of the Special Ed department). I could possibly get a temporary IS cert. until I can get my actual license next spring and I could work for our school as an IS next year.  It wouldn't really be any more money but I would view it as paid on the job training.  I told her she could talk to Johna and see if it is a possibility...then I would make up my mind.  I really like the job I am doing BUT I miss being a teacher.  If I do this on the job training with OHVA, it would be a year's experience then I could get hired for way more money somewhere else.

God is really taking me out of my comfort zone.  I wanted  peace and calm and stability.  I am getting the opposite.  Everything is in turmoil right now.

And today...I have EOY school stuff to do to batten down the hatches and help Mr. Ex load up some stuff so he can get his butt out of here. There is NO WAY he could have fit everything he needed to take into the 6 ft. bed of his truck.  I told him that he needed to rent a trailer BECAUSE, and I looked him in the eye and said, "When you take off out of here, this is the last time.  You divorced me and I cannot have you around.  It is painful and not fair to ME.  I need you to realize that you have to be gone.  So, if you don't get what you want now, I am just going to get rid of it myself."  It clicked with him and he agreed to rent a trailer.  So, this is it.  Gone.  The final send off.  Maybe he will find himself a gf.  Make more of an effort.  Move on...like he wanted to.

Odd how he was the one that initiated the divorce yet he kept one foot in my door.  He has always been one of those ppl that could not fully commit to a decision.  I always had to do it.  It drives me crazy to waffle on the fence.  I will just jump on one side or the other realizing it may not be the best decision but it is a decision.  And I could always do damage control later if I have to but at least I committed to something.  He couldn't even commit to a marriage. His whole life is indecision.  To tell you the truth, I think he would get back with me if I was the one to say, "We are going to work on this and put this back together."  And if you look at it, I was the one that really pulled the trigger on the divorce.  He said he wanted it but was not really doing anything about it.  I got the lawyer, got the papers drawn up, negotiated it out with him and set the court date and even picked his butt up at the hotel and took him to the courthouse.  If I had not done that, we may still be married.  And now, I have made the decision for him to leave out of here and not come back.  I have dealt with it in my own mind and while it will be different living without that pain in my arse, I will darned well get used to it because I have made a decision...a final decision...the gavel has come down and made it official.  Take his Grumbling and Complaining butt back to Kansas where he can do what he wants, when he wants and never have to worry about someone else messing it up.

oy.