Running on Empty

I sometimes feel like my body is going to shut down.  I have to talk to myself...urge myself to just hang in there a bit longer....pray for strength. 

So many things going on around me...trying to quickly get things fixed up in the house for a showing...put it up for sale.  Trying to sort, rid out...while traveling for testing...hold extra help session classes for my kids...getting a refi going on the mortgage...quit claim deed....

I came across something surprising.  It says in the divorce agreement that if I sell the house before I get the mortgage refinanced under just my name, then he gets 40% of the profits from the sale of the house.  But if I refi, he gets nothing.  I also have to get the quit claim deed done...that the lawyer missed doing during the divorce.  Now ASS II is trying to lay some guilt on me because he wants money. 

I have to gather things together to complete the refi.  I have to gather things together to get my new Intervention Specialist teaching license...and that is $200.

I stripped the diningroom floor and refinished it.  It is still not great...I need to redo the middle of it. 

There is a list of small things here and there that need to be done also. 

Had a showing of the house (off the record) and they hit me with an offer that was insulting.  It was for less than what ASS II and I paid for the house when WE bought it.

This weekend is the community garage sale.  I have to get ready for that because I need to clear more stuff out of the house. 

It is the end of the school year.  There is a lot to do.  My head is spinning.

And there are not really many houses up in NE Ohio that are in my price range of what I can afford on my salary.  ASS II makes 2.5 times what I make and he is trying to guilt me into giving HIM money.  He has shown me way too many times that he couldn't care less about me and what happens to me.  I have to take care of me.  And I will.  I am following the Divorce Agreement that he read ahead of time, just like I did...and he agreed to it.  I need all the money I can get for a down payment,.  He said he wants to be able to buy a house too but he has no money saved for a down payment.  And why not???  He has a 'roommate'  with a job who should be paying half of the rent, etc.  Not my fault he had to have a big fancy truck or jet skis...and likes to spend money like water to impress his friends.  I cut off my satellite service so save a few bucks...switched cell phone services to save a few bucks...you name it.

I was the one that has done the work on this house: painting...backsplash...stripping...staining...electrical work...rescreening...my money...my time...my blood and sweat...I paid for the gutter covers (that was not cheap!).  So much I have done.

I even have to fix some of the stuff he did. 

He did not mind divorcing me and cutting me loose after I lost my job...and wanted me to sell the house...and the kids were still living here and I had the 3 dogs.  Nope....no money. 

For all of the things he has put me through over the years...drug addiction...bankruptcy...identity theft...choosing to spend his free time with his friends instead of at home with his family....he can kiss my ass.

I am worn out and just want some peace.  And I am tired of being lonely.  So tired of it.  Married to him for 25 years before this and I was lonely then.  I never got married to be alone.  I did everything for him and made his life just too easy and then he treats me like that.  I was an idiot.  But I will not be an idiot this time around.