It is curious how God works on me. He has revealed things to me in phases. He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.
As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something. I had been waiting all of this time for vindication. I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me. AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen. What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that? Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking.
Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen. God was telling me, "You have to let it go. What you feel that you need will never happen." It isn't news. However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him. He really is not the person I had assumed he was. And it wasn't just him. It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others. I had just never really realized.
My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives. For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc. I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others. It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude. We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord. It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others. It is what I am used to. It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing. No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference.
TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family.
So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together.
I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus. What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix.
Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life? It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.
Don't get me wrong. A Narcissist is a narcissist. However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.
He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions. Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place. He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it. He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him. None of that is my concern. I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore.
I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go. I am not feeling that knot of anger in me. I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting. I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment.
I have a goal for my year. My goal is to tune in to myself. I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally. Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise.
Here's to a positive 2020.
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