I can't sleep. Most nights. I am exhausted. I crawl into bed, read, then as my eyes start to close, I turn off the light and snuggle under the covers then it hits me. My mind does a tour of this house. From room to room. Down the hallways. There is nobody but me.
Bethany spends most of her time at work or at Jordan's. It is just me. Sure, there's 3 dogs. But no other humans but me.
I think back to my youth, my much younger years. I had many dates. Many boyfriends. How ironic that I ended up by myself.
During the day, I am busy. I don't notice my aloneness. But at night...the emptiness mocks me. It pokes at me.
It wasn't so long ago the kids had friends that came and practically stayed for the weekend. The dinner table was full. Now...I am here in this house...alone.
I know I am not helping myself by being such a recluse. I don't know why I can't make myself get out there.
I hope that will change within me someday.
My kids have a whole lifetime ahead of them. They can have their own families. Fill their homes.
I could handle the empty nest syndrom if I wasn't doing it alone. I was prepared for them leaving. And I am good with 'him' gone. I just didn't realize that 'alone' would be so difficult.
TJ and Brit dropped the purchase of the double wide manufactured home. Too many things weren't working. But they found a really nice 2 bdrm apartment to move into. His dad is going to be in the area and is going to help do some moving.
So...there's that. Yay.
He is a stranger to me now. 25 years of marriage and 2 kids. He's a stranger. When it hits you that he never really cared...it alters everything.
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