Today was not how I had planned. It never is but today was even MORE unplanned. First the sink started backing up. So, I quickly took care of that then I noticed something wrong with the fridge. The freezer...things were not so frozen. Crap! The condenser that I had replaced less than 2 years ago quit. damn it! So I started moving things down to the freezer in the basement and thankfully the weather is really cold so I put a lot of the food in the fridge in a box and took it out to the sunroom where it can be kept cold.
Then I took to the internet to consider my options. I could have Sears repair come here and hook up another condenser (and that job takes the good portion of the day, it seems). It would be cheaper than a new fridge. BUT, if it turns out they don't have all the parts they need then it could mean ordering parts and waiting ...and there is only a 90 day warranty on the thing working! If I remember correctly, last time they quoted me a price tag of close to $800.
So then, I look for fridge sales. I found a fridge for $900. Not exactly like the one I have now, slightly smaller and it is a side by side with the indoor water and ice dispenser. Bethany and I use a lot of ice and drink a lot of water. And since it is just the two of us a slightly smaller fridge could be okay. The one I have now would be very costly to replace with an identical one. The one I have has the freezer drawer on the bottom. And the ice maker is inside. I don't care about that but...I am not fixing this fridge again only to have it go up on me right before I sell the house. My mom and dad have had the same side by side fridge for years with no problems. Sometimes new fangled is not necessarily better. So, I took the plunge with the new fridge. There goes my Christmas bonus and my Christmas money from my parents...and then some.
The TV started acting up. It does this blinking thing when you turn it on. It will eventually quit but now is the time they are having TV sales too. I don't want to wait until the TV finally takes a dump. Didn't want the expense of another TV but ...I ordered one and now I have that to make payments on too.
AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Since I can't sleep, Bethany stayed up and talked with me until 4 a.m. We had a good talk. We got the air cleared about a lot of things. One thing I have been feeling kind of crappy about it wondering how she feels when I talk about selling this place and moving back up north. She said it will be weird not having me around but she has had time to process it and it is not as if I am just leaving her abruptly. She has Jordan and they work things out pretty well. I think TJ and Brit are going to be fine, also. She said she will IM with me, phone me, text me, etc. like I do with TJ. I will at least have a place for them to come take mini vacations. It will be fine.
I realized I am in a holiday depression. I have tried denying it but it is here. I look at the tree and think about the family Christmases. And remember the feeling it brought me. But now it is different because I know that he didn't really love me and it puts a different color on it all. I loved how Christmas was because he was always at his best. There was music and traditions and anticipation. When it came to an end I always had that expectation that there would be many more and one day, our kids would be married and we may have grandkids to share Christmas with....
But it is all different. I hate that I am depressed by it. It makes me feel weak. Even though I know it is a process that everyone goes through. I hate that my life with him was filled with so much change.
I grew up in the same home. Every year was the same thing. Well...my parents expanded on Christmas through the years but it was still the same. You knew what to expect. With us the Christmas was in so many different places. One Christmas we had the dread of our son's trial looming over our heads. Because of a girl that wanted to find a way to put him in jail because she was angry that he had rejected her.
One Christmas we thought their dad was gone for good...drugged up on crack. But he showed up right before Christmas and it was a mottled thrown together Christmas as it was. I didn't have much money for presents so I did the best I could.
He tried to make up for it after that. He bought them way more than they needed. Looking back, now, I am not sure he was trying to make up for that or if he would have done it anyway because he likes to spend money at Christmas.
I cannot see what my future is going to be like. I cannot see me with anyone else. I imagine me alone. I may like the person I found within me, again, but I don't know if I have a heart to share anymore. Trust is such a delicate, fleeting thing. I am not even sure I trust myself, let alone someone else.
I watched the last part of 'Serendipity" with Bethany. I told her I loved that movie at one time because I believed in it. Now I think it is a stupid story.
My perspective on life, in general, has changed. Everything is a different color.
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