It's a New Day

So far...I feel how I feel.  That feeling is over.  I went through the jumble of emotional swamp and now...it has been replaced. 

It is hard to describe.  I came to the realization that I have been keeping myself  from doing what I need to do for myself and moving forward because I have been stuck.  He was always there in my head and he would remind me he was still there.  I would hear the narrative.  I could not believe anything good about myself. 

Then it slowly occurred to me.  Like one of those spiral light bulbs that gets slowly brighter the longer it is on...he is GONE.  I mean...really gone.  He has someone in his life and he no longer NEEDS me to make him feel better.  He no longer turns to me for his support system.  Christmas will come and go and he will not be here to judge me and the house...leave with a pile of negative comments.  I...am....FREE! 

This feeling is like having back pain every day.  You get used to having to move a certain way, and you steel yourself for the pain you are going to feel as you get out of bed or try to do certain activities.  Then, one day...it is suddenly gone.  You keep testing yourself because you are not really believing it is gone. 

Yes, I realize I just compared him to a constant pain.  It fits.  But it is as if someone lifted a boulder off my chest.  I can breathe freely.  I started exercising again because I actually WANTED to!  Go figure.  I feel good! 

Now that the main source of my anxiety is gone, perhaps I will find myself not sitting in the chair in front of the TV so much feeling immobile. 

While there still is a bit of his judgment in the back of my brain still...I realize that I am in a place in my life, right now, that I am comfortable with.  I do not have a need, at this time, to have someone new in my life.  I am busy with my job and doing things around the house that need doing.  And if I get a moment of my own, I have many books I want to read.  There is the exercise that I will be doing daily.  Hopefully I will reap many benefits from that...beside weight loss.  It always makes my lower back feel better...it only takes one day of exercise to obtain that.  It was great to wake up this morning without the pain and not walk funny for the first few minutes after I get out of bed.

And the eye doctor gave me some contacts to wear so that I can just wear reading glasses at the computer.  I have not worn contacts in way over a year.  I have seldom worn them in the last few years because they just were not comfortable and the level of clear sight I got from them was disappointing.  But my older sister and my daughter were both raving about these accuvue oasis contacts so I am trying them now and I can see why they like them.  I can see!  No more wearing those glasses all the time!  That also makes me feel better about my looks.  In fact, I looked in the mirror and realized the only thing I am not liking so much about what I see is that I am overweight. And I am working on that.  It may take me a while but I am feeling better so hopefully the exercise thing will continue.