My ex once told me that it felt like I was always on the other side of a wall. Once he voiced that I tried to let go and open up and FEEL.
I have always had a problem of letting myself get too close to people...anyone...because you always get hurt...unless you are totally clueless. Relationships end.
My marriage ended. Truthfully I was not happy and I wanted out. I don't mind the divorce. I was honest with myself. It was the way it was ended that upended me. But one cannot be martyr forever.
He did it that way...and after 25 years I meant nothing. He could not have made that more clear. I was not anything special.
I know he is a narcissist and it is how he deals. He decides he wants to change something and doesn't want to deal with anything uncomfortable so he just cuts and runs. He's done that all of his life.
Losing other relationships is hard too. I understand why sometimes they end. Life gets in the way and everyone has their own life events that overwhelm them. Also, as people go through these events, it changes them. It may be your perspective, thoughts, beliefs...and it can change a relationship.
No matter how much I have tried to avoid endings, they always find me. Unfortunately, it affects my depression. I thought I had found something that took care of the depression problem but it only helped at first. I have friends here that understand what I am going through and have been trying to get me to join them in group but somedays I feel like all I can manage is my job during the day and then I am crippled. I realized I have been leaning on others too much and others have a large load of their own things to deal with and certainly do not need me adding to their pile.
My son is floundering also. It is no longer a matter of IF his marriage will end but WHEN exactly. I am predicting it will not last until June...and that is being way more than generous. He was packing to come here last weekend. They have been fighting for months and she is sliding down a satanic slide. I talked him in to sticking there for another week to get some things in order. I gave him a list. He agreed but he did what I figured he would do...he tried to put a patch on it just to get through Christmas. His dad is blowing into the area to see him and his sister before he lands at his mother's house for a few days. TJ is planning on following his dad to his grandmother's house then coming here for a day or 2. I am not sure how long he will stay.
He is also struggling with employment. It has been tough since he was let go from his radio news reporter gig last April. This gives me the greatest depression/anxiety of all because you want to still fix things for your kids...no matter how old they are. And you can't. I could only offer him a room and time to reset his life.
Reset your life. That's all it seems like I have been doing...trying to reset my life. Find me again.
Find relationships...lose relationships...find ME. There is no time to fall apart. You have to be strong for those around you. You have to be true to yourself. And if you are making it hard on someone else, you have to be understanding enough to walk away. It is sad when things break but you can't be part of what breaks.
There are somedays when I just want to lie in bed under the blanket and not come out for months.
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