Lost Baggage

It is curious how God works on me.  He has revealed things to me in phases.  He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.

As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something.  I had been waiting all of this time for vindication.  I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me.  AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen.  What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that?  Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking. 

Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen.  God was telling me, "You have to let it go.  What you feel that you need will never happen."  It isn't news.  However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him.  He really is not the person I had assumed he was.  And it wasn't just him.  It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others.  I had just never really realized. 

My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives.  For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc.  I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others.  It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in  our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude.  We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord.  It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others.  It is what I am used to.  It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing.  No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference. 

TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family. 

So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were  just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together. 

I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus.   What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix. 

Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life?  It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.

Don't get me wrong.  A Narcissist is a  narcissist.  However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.

He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions.  Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place.  He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it.  He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him.  None of that is my concern.  I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore. 

I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go.  I am not feeling that knot of anger in me.  I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting.  I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment. 

I have a goal for my year.  My goal is to tune in to myself.  I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally.  Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise. 

Here's to a positive 2020. 

Appetizers and Drinks

I finally got out of the house last night.  Jean contacted me and said we needed a night out.  So we met up at Applebee's and had appetizers and drinks.  Neither one of us were in the mood for a real dinner.  Then we ordered the Blonde but ate only half of it.  Should have not ordered that.

Through education we have both been able to get through a lot of our hurt suffered at the hands of the ones we had married.  Nothing is personal with a Narcissist because they have no feelings...nothing deep and meaningful.  Because of that they cannot have real relationships and that is why nothing they do is personal.

We both discussed, though, that we still had a knot of bitterness that we needed to work through.

I could not sleep well.  I fell asleep about midnight and was awake at 4 with heartburn...thanks to the Blonde.  Too much sugar gives me heartburn.

But since I was awake, I did some contemplating and talking to God.  I do not want to be a bitter person.  It gets in the way of being a real Christian.  It gets in the way of me healing and being the best me I can be.

Then it occurred to me...nothing is personal.  Jean and I both struggled with the fact that we had done everything right yet we got dumped on.

So, let's go back to those bracelets that everyone wore not too long ago...WWJD.  I am not comparing myself to Jesus but you do have to compare your life to what Jesus would do.  Jesus did everything right.  And he was persecuted and killed.

So THEN it occurred to me:  I DID do everything right.  God guided me and was with me.  I was just aligned with a personality disordered person that there didn't seem to be any fix for.  I am not saying that God can't 'fix' him, but it will be a minor miracle.  However, I should not walk away bitter.  I did everything right.  I am not the mentally messed up one.  I was just living with a mental patient and I got the blow back.  God has helped me through it.  He is helping me everyday.

Therefore, I should not be bitter.  I can lament that I did not have a happy marriage and I ended up in a divorce but...I can also look forward to a better future.

I do not know what is down the road but I know it will be something good.

I have decided that I really need to step up efforts to do something about my body weight.  It makes me unhappy.  So I really need to concentrate on that now that my mental and emotional self is doing better.

****************
As far as family, Bethany is still doing her thing at college.  She is trying to figure out which direction she wants to take as she will eventually go on to get her Bachelor's Degree.  She is thinking about research.  I hope she figures it out.  I told her to pray on it and she will receive direction.

Brit started a new job as a Pre-K teacher's assistant and she said she really liked it.  It may help her make her decision about getting a certification in Early Childhood Education.  Luckily that is only a 2 year degree.

TJ is doing his job and writing a book. I do not know what the book is about because he has not shared that much with me.

They also have started the paperwork to buy the big 2 bedroom manufactured house.  It has 2 bathrooms and a large kitchen.  He says they will be more relaxed there and can be in that place for at least the next 5-6 years while they save for a house.  Even if they start a family, they have the extra bedroom and a yard for the kid to play in.  The moving part is what is going to be tricky.  They have to be out of their apartment by the first full weekend in January.  At least I will not be the only one moving them this time.  Brit's dad and step brother will be helping.

A Little Bit of Class

This has been a week and a half.  And it is not over yet.

This week, as far as my job went, I pissed off a whole lot of parents that are too lazy to get their kids on the computer and doing their work.  I started off the year working with the families that were 'having problems' at the end of the year.  We were hoping to find some that were willing to change their ways.  I did manage to find 7.  But the ones I have left are struggling.  Badly.  At this point there is one that is looking as if he will be withdrawn by the end of the week.   The others may shape up long enough to be let go from my support period.  But they will fall back into their old bad patterns, half of them...and I will be end up ushering them out after another 6 weeks.

Now...as far as my classwork...my continuing education...I am almost caught up after losing my first week to registration snafus.  4 chapters and 2 papers in 5 days.  I still have 2 quizzes to take and those need to be done by midnight tomorrow night but I am not so concerned with those.  It will take me a small amount of time.  Then I am caught up and next week should be somewhat easier.  The week after that I have a summary paper to write after observing an IEP meeting.  It is the last 3 weeks of the class that concern me.  But I will save that for another time.  I am just happy to be catching up for now.

As for my personal life...I have made great strides.  At least to me they seem like great strides.

I noticed on my FB notices that a few notices popped up with some Hispanic woman's name on it.  I did not know her but the source was my ex's FB page.  I had meant to unfriend him after sharing the wedding pictures but had not yet. I had left a total of 2 comments on some things on his page. This woman was commenting on what I had commented on.  She was letting me know she was there and marking her territory.  It was all orchestrated to get a response out of me.  Don't worry 'lady' (use the term loosely), he's all yours.  My response?  I hit the 'unfriend' button.  Cut that hot mess of crazy free.  I do not care and I am NOT going to get drawn into a Jerry Springer situation.

Let me tell you folks...I used to think bipolars were the ultimate in  messes...psychotics are something to run and hide from.  But Narcisssists are just the two of those nightmares combined.  And the more you do to free yourself, the more they try to pull you back in with any means possible.  They use you as a source of dumping their nastiness on you and as a place to get some much needed nurturing when they get themselves into a mess.

I am doing my best to let him know there is no more bridge here between us.  I AM going to give him back that check he gave me for my bday.  I know most everyone tells me to cash it and use it...that I deserve it. What I REALLY deserve is to have him gone.  And taking that check feels too much to me like giving him what HE wants.  $50 is not going to make me or break me in anyway.

I just am not sure how I am going to do it.  If I send it back to him, I am still giving him some acknowledgment.  I think I will just rip it up and not cash it.  If he notices I will let one of his kids tell him that I ripped it up and didn't cash it.

At some point they just MIGHT decide that they need to disconnect with him also.  It will be more difficult for them because he is their father and they will want to believe they can still be connected to him.  But how do you connect with someone that does not have any genuine feelings and does not know how to have a relationship?

That is for further down the road.

Homesick

Deep pit of sorrow.

I read a 'page' on Facebook that is about surviving after a relationship with a Narcissist.  It is a sort of a counseling/share place.   It is set up and run by a Psychologist who has studied Narcissists and the 'victims'...he has written books on the whole thing.  The 'victims' share their thoughts and feelings.

It has actually helped me by facing reality.  While it is really painful and debilitating to accept that this person that you thought loved you, never really did...that you put so much of yourself into the relationship to make it work and it was never going to...at some point you have to accept it.  You have to or you will drive yourself crazy shouldering blame that you don't deserve.

I spent the weekend at 'home' with my family.  While my hometown has gone downhill, it still has some comfort to it.  While my parents are becoming more and more hard of hearing and have difficulty understanding, and dealing with things...it is still home and they are still my parents and just being there in that town, near family and friends feels like a big casserole dish of comfort food.

Yes, I feel like running back with my tail between my legs.  

I spent a lot of years finding confidence in myself because my mother had a lot of anxiety and 'ran' everyone's life so that everything went the way she needed it to...and because she did that, she did not have much confidence in our abilities to take care of our own lives.  I was not praised but was reminded of my short comings.  Then I married Darkness and was not praised but reminded of my short comings.  

I dated guys that showered me with flattery and flowers then when they felt they had me, they started in with running me and reminding me of my short comings...all to keep me under their control.  

I have a lot to offer.  I am smart, resourceful, creative, kind, thoughtful, and will bend over backwards for most people.  I deserve to be loved and appreciated.  I deserve to be praised...not reminded of my short comings.  

Repurposing

Under the Piano

I was walking by when the rope, that was hoisting the piano up into the upper floor of the apartment building, broke and the piano came rushing back down and landed...on top of me.

Not really.  But that is what I have felt like this week.  Every night by 5 p.m. I feel just like that.

This has been a very long frustrating week for me.  I have put in 12 hours at my job on Tuesday, Wednesday...14 hours on Thursday.  Today I was just frustrated because I was finding (or not finding) missing notes, trying to fill in holes in the data, updating, and the parents were calling.

I have been feeling all week like I the person trying to button the back of a dress on a fat lady when the dress is 2 sizes too small. Every time I get another button fastened, the fat presses too hard against another button and it pops...

I was doing really well until this week.  The week before Lisa dumped 17 new cases on me. I did well with them.  But this last Friday she dumped 20 new cases.  I am not sure if it was the 3 extra kids or the one less day...or both. All I know is I will need to spend some time this weekend trying to get things back together so that next week seems more manageable.

SO glad I don't have anyone else that I have to take care of.

I will begin my classes in a couple of weeks...hopefully.  I have 2 online classes I need to take in order to renew my teaching license this summer.  I just hope I can get this stuff taken care of with my job so that I can  handle both or my next stop is the psych ward.

Speaking of psych ward...I came across another article that really explained my 25 years of marriage SO well...and me...

WhatAbuseSurvivorsDon'tKnow:10Life-ChangingTruths

Shahida Arabi Author, The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care

The journey to healing from emotional or physical abuse requires us to revolutionize our thinking about relationships, self-love, self-respect and self-compassion. Abusive relationships often serve as the catalyst for incredible change and have the potential to motivate us towards empowerment and strength, should we take advantage of our new agency.

Here are ten life-changing truths abuse survivors should embrace in their journey to healing, though it may appear challenging to do so.
1. It was not your fault. Victim-blaming is rampant both in society and even within the mental landscapes of abuse survivors themselves. Recently, the victim-blaming and the mythical "ease" of leaving an abusive relationship has been challenged in the public discourse. Accepting that the pathology of another person and the abuse he or she inflicted upon you is not under your control can be quite challenging when you've been told otherwise,  by the abuser, the public and even by those close to you who don't know any better.
Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they've suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You, on the other hand, are enough. Unlike your abuser, you don't have to abuse anyone else to feel superior or complete. You are already whole, and perfect, in your own imperfect ways.
2. Your love cannot inspire the abuser to change. There was nothing you could have done differently to change the abuser. Repeat this to yourself. Nothing. Abusers have a distorted perspective of the world and their interactions with people are intrinsically disordered. Pathological narcissists and sociopaths are disordered individuals who have specific manipulation tactics as well as behavioral traits that make them unhealthy relationship partners. Part of their disorder is that they feel superior and entitled; they are usually unwilling to get help and they benefit from exploiting others. A lack of empathy enables them to reap these benefits without much remorse. Giving your abuser more love and subjugating yourself to the abuser out of fear and out of the hope that he or she would change would've only enabled the abuser's power. You did the right thing (or you will) by stepping away and no longer allowing someone to treat you in such an inhumane manner.
3. Healthy relationships are your birthright and you can achieve them. It is your right to have a healthy, safe, and respectful relationship. It is your right to be free from bodily harm and psychological abuse. It is your right to be able to express your emotions without ridicule, stonewalling or the threat of violence. It is your right not to walk on eggshells. It is your right to pursue people who are worthy of your time and energy. Never settle for less than someone who respects you and is considerate towards you. Every human being has this right and you do too. If you are someone who has the ability to respect others and are capable of empathy, you are not any less deserving than anyone else of a relationship that makes you happy.
4. You are not forever damaged by this. Healing and recovery is a challenging process, but it is not an impossible one. You may suffer for a long time from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and other symptoms as a result of the abuse. You may even enter other unhealthy relationships or reenter the same one; this is not uncommon, as a large part of our behavior is driven by our subconscious. Still, you are not "damaged goods." You are not forever scarred, although there are scars that may still remain. You are a healer, a warrior, a survivor. You do have choices and agency. You can cut all contact with your ex-partner, seek counseling and a support group for survivors, create a stronger support network, read literature on abusive tactics, engage in better self-care, and you can have better relationships in the future. If you suspect you were the victim of emotional abuse, you can read about the manipulation tactics of emotionally abusive people and understand how pathological individuals operate so that you can protect yourself in the future. All hope is not lost. You can use this experience to gain new knowledge, resources and networks. You can channel your crisis into transformation.
5.  You don't have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn't leave right away. The fear, isolation and manipulation that the abuser imposed upon us is legitimate and valid. Studies have proven that trauma can produce changes the brain. If we experienced or witnessed abuse or bullying in our childhood, we can be subconsciously programmed to reenact our early childhood wounding.
The trauma of an abusive relationship can also manifest in PTSD or acute stress disorder regardless of whether or not we witnessed domestic violence as a child. Stockholm syndrome is a syndrome that tethers survivors of trauma and abuse to their abusers in order to survive. This syndrome is created from what Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D calls "trauma bonds," which are bonds that are formed with another person during traumatic emotional experiences. These bonds can leave us paradoxically seeking support from the source of the abuse. Biochemical bonds can also form with our abuser through changing levels of oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol and adrenaline which can spike during the highs and lows of the abuse cycle.
The connection we have to the abuser is like an addiction to the vicious cycle of hot and cold, of sweet talk and apologies, of wounds and harsh words. Our sense of learned helplessness, an overwhelming feeling that develops as we are unable to escape a dangerous situation, is potent in an abusive relationship. So is our cognitive dissonance, the conflicting ideas and beliefs we may hold about who the abuser truly is versus who the abuser has shown himself or herself to be. Due to the shame we feel about the abuse, we may withdraw from our support network altogether or be forced by our abuser to not interact with others.
These reasons and more can all interfere with our motivation and means to leave the relationship. You may have been financially dependent on your abuser or feared physical or psychological retaliation in the form of slander. Therefore, you never have to justify to anyone why you did not leave right away or blame yourself for not doing so. Someone else's invalidation should not take away your experience of fear, powerlessness, confusion, shame, numbing, cognitive dissonance and feelings of helplessness that occurred when and after the abuse took place.
6. Forgiveness of the abuser is a personal choice, not a necessity. Some may tell you that you have to forgive the abuser to move on. Truly, that is a personal choice and not a necessity. You might feel forgiveness of the abuser is necessary in order to move forward, but that does not mean you have to. Survivors may have also experienced physical and sexual abuse in addition to the psychological manipulation. You may have gone through so much trauma that it feels impossible to forgive, and that's okay.
It is not our job to cater to the abuser's needs or wants. It's not our duty to reconcile with or forgive someone who has deliberately and maliciously harmed us. Our duty lies in taking care of ourselves on the road to healing.
7. Forgiveness towards yourself is necessary to move forward. Self-forgiveness is a different matter. You do have to demonstrate compassion towards yourself and forgive yourself for not leaving the relationship sooner, for not taking care of yourself better, and for not looking out for your safety and best interests. These are all things survivors tend to struggle with in the aftermath of an abusive relationship and it can take a while to get to this point.
Remember: You didn't know what you know now about how the abuser would never change. Even if you had, you were in a situation where many psychological factors made it difficult to leave.
8. You are not the crazy one. During the abusive relationship, you were gaslighted into thinking that your perception of reality was false and told that you were the pathological one, that your version of events was untrue, that your feelings were invalid, that you were too sensitive when you reacted to his or her mistreatment of you. You may have even endured a vicious smear campaign in which the charming abuser told everyone else you were "losing it."
Losing it actually meant that you were tired of being kicked around, tired of being cursed at and debased. Losing it actually meant that you were finally starting to stand up for yourself. The abuser saw that you were recognizing the abuse and wanted to keep you in your place by treating you to cold silence, harsh words, and condescending rumor mongering.
It's time to get back to reality: you were not the unstable one. The unstable one was the person who was constantly belittling you, controlling your every move, subjecting you to angry outbursts, and using you as an emotional (and even physical) punching bag.
Who are you? You were the person who wanted a good relationship. The one who strove to please your abuser, even at the cost of your mental and physical health. You were the one whose boundaries were broken, whose values were ridiculed, whose strengths were made to look like weaknesses. You attempted to teach a grown person how to behave with respect - often fruitlessly. You were the one who deserved so much better.
9. You do deserve better. No matter what the abuser told you about yourself, there are people out there in healthy relationships. These people are cherished, respected and appreciated on a consistent basis. There is trust in the relationship, not the toxic manufacturing of love triangles. There are genuine apologies for mistakes, not provocation for attention or quick reconciliation.
Consider this: aside from the experience of trauma, these people in healthier relationships are not drastically different from you. In many ways, they are just like you - flawed, imperfect, but worthy of love and respect. There are billions of people in this world, and yes, you can bet there are plenty out there who will treat you better than the way you've been treated before. There are people out there who will see your wonderful strengths, talents, and who will love your quirks. These people wouldn't dream of intentionally hurting you or provoking you. You will find these people - in friendships and in future relationships. Perhaps you already have.
10. It may have seemed this relationship was like a "waste of time" but in changing your perspective, it can also be an incredible learning experience. You now have the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values as a result of this experience. As a survivor, you've seen the dark side of humanity and what people are capable of. You've recognized the value of using your time wisely after you've exhausted it with someone unworthy. With this newfound knowledge, you are no longer naive to the fact that there are emotional predators out there. Most importantly, you can share your story to help and empower other survivors. I know I did, and you can too.

Everyday Thankfulness

I end my day with prayer.  I START my prayer with thanking God for working things out for me and for the job I have.  It was painful.  But in order for my life to be rebuilt and better, it had to be ripped apart.  God had to rip it up in order to get me to where I should be.

I am thankful that perhaps I am stubborn, determined...whatever you want to call it.

I went to the dinner theater last night with my fellow divorcee, Jean.  She is a speech therapist for a local school system.  We were talking about moving on with our lives, being ready for any other relationships.  Jean told me before I move on I need to learn to like me first.  I told her I am happy with who I am. She laughed.  I said that really I am happy with my personality and the person that I am.

Once I understood that Darkness is a narcissist and what that meant...what it had done to me...I was able to begin the healing.  I just needed something to make sense to me.  Then I needed to reconnect with myself.

I may not be the smartest person on earth but I am not without intelligence.  I am kind and caring and loyal (your basic pet dog...LOL).  I am an empath and I don't mind.  I am determined to do things myself.  I am fiercely independent.  I like to figure things out myself.  It is just who I am...I am my parents' daughter.

My independence does not get in the way of me being willing to share.  It MAY get in the way of me trusting sometimes.  I also do not get attached to anyone or anything much.  I got attached to the life I had and it was not a good thing.  I got attached because, as Jean said, we were slowly brainwashed into believing it was normal.  We did not understand that there was never anything we could do or say that would make it okay.

But, I am okay with me.  I need to work on the outside.  Jean said not to do it to impress anyone.  But I am not working on me for anyone but me.  I look in the mirror and my extra weight just reminds me how I gave up myself to take care of someone else that didn't deserve it.  I need to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with how I took care of myself.

I want to look in the mirror and see ME on the outside the way I am seeing ME on the inside.

I am 55 but my life is not over yet.

The Mask

I found an article that explains Darkness so very well.

Behind the Mask of the Narcissist

I was having one of my depression/pity party days today.  I have been sick and it has taken a lot of my energy.  Also, the grayness of the month has not helped my mood.  It is usually this time of year that I would be glad for others in the house to lean on.  But now there is no one.

Believe it or not, it is because of my anxiety and depression that I would actually be grateful that I had a husband.  I figured I needed to stay with him just because I felt that I was too unstable to make it on my own.  I have proven to myself that I can handle it but...I get weary of it. The big irony of it all was he was the one causing most of my anxiety and depression.

It is the loneliness.  I am not sure I am ready for an intimate relationship with anyone.  I feel too drained emotionally and mentally.  However, it would be nice to have a friend...a roommate friend.  Someone to share the bills with, converse with, and go do things with.  Someone that wouldn't mind helping me out (to lean on) when things come up with my kids, etc.  But there isn't even anyone like that.

It is sad because I allowed the isolation.  I allowed a lot of things.  It wasn't that I wasn't totally unaware of everything that was going on.  I knew he didn't REALLY love me or care about me.  However, I stayed in it so long, to shield the kids from those every other weekend visits alone with him and any other time alone with him, that I got torn down to the point that I believed he needed me to save HIM.  He always found a way to self destruct and I would be the one to put things back on the right path.  (Thus the title of my blog)

But that wasn't why he needed me.  When he realized I was a drag on him and his finances, when I wasn't glowing over him like he was so very important, when he felt I was choosing the kids as more important than he (I was right in thinking he was jealous of them), I was no longer of  use to him.

I was sitting here today thinking about how I had been tossed aside along with everything else he wanted to shed...the obligation of the house, the obligation of the dogs, etc.  He packed up his car and drove off to a new job in another state to start with a clean slate.

I do not know what he is doing now...or who. I have absolutely no clue.  I don't look at his FB page.  I could but I won't.  I don't need that.  I would rather not have any knowledge of his life or him.

I do wonder if I will ever feel mended enough to want another relationship.  There is a part of me that would love to know what it is like to truly be loved by someone.  But there is a bigger, sadder part of me that knows it wouldn't be fair to anyone else because I am emotionally unreliable right now.

I worry sometimes because I have a home job and I leave the house less and less.  Am I becoming a recluse?  Or is it just because of the time of year?  Also, perhaps God knows I will need some isolation time for healing.

My son says I need to put myself 'out there'.  Out WHERE?  I keep telling myself that I am not ready for OUT THERE until the inside of my house is organized and I am taking better care of myself physically.  Yet, I am not doing so well with either thing.

I want to feel some joy...some interest in my own life.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of some sort of pathetic existence.  I used to have that family commercial life in my head...you know...the happy kids, the happy mom and dad with pets.  But, it was all blown apart.  I had images of Darkness and I in my head where we were finally the empty nesters, spending time together, going places, doing things and being happy with each other.  I know it was a reach but I still believed in it.  I don't know why.  He never supported me or had any faith in me.

He seems very content with the 'no communication' arrangement.  It lets him totally off the hook.  It also gives me some semblance of peace in my world.  Perhaps he has gotten to the part where he realizes he DOESN'T need me.  He kept telling me he still needed me in his life.  But, he doesn't.  I am sure he has found plenty of others to feed his bloated self image.

I didn't want him to hang on.  I NEEDED him to let go.  I found it ludicrous that he wanted me out of his world as his wife yet he wanted me in his world as a friend to share what was going on in his life.  Perhaps it was more of a torture thing.  I don't know. There is no rhyme or reason to what a narcissist needs/wants or why.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this...that I should no longer be bothered...that I should be able to banish the past from my thinking.  Yet, from everything I have read, it seems normal that I haven't.  And it scares the ever living beetlejuice out of me!  Will I never feel joy again?  Will I never be able to reach out to others and feel something?

I guess I really did sacrifice myself for my kids.  I just hope I am not emotionally and mentally twisted forever.

Closing the Gap

I know a lot of people thought that allowing my ex to visit for the Christmas holiday was a big mistake.  And I began to wonder about it myself.  However, it turned out to be what I needed.

It started out as me just being nice.  I thought it would be good to have that one last altogether 'family' Christmas.  TJ and Brittany will be moving out 2 weeks after Christmas.  In probably 2 more years Bethany will be moving out.  Heaven knows where their dad will be or who he will be with.  I may find someone and remarry.  OR, fate may have other things in store.

As it turned out, and I am sure God did this for me, their dad spent the night Friday night.  It was actually 2 a.m. in the morning when he showed up.  He was supposed to stop briefly Friday night to leave off presents and then continue on his journey to his mom's.  He was working in Illinois for the week.  But he texted me to let me know he ended up working a much longer day than anticipated Friday and did not leave Illinois until about 10 p.m.  He wanted to know if he could crash for the night.

Since our son and his fiancee had already left earlier that evening to go up to see his grandparents, I told his dad he could stay in TJ's room.  I had not had the chance to set up the futon in the study/guestroom yet, since I had not planned on him being here until Christmas Eve.

It was the next morning that things were said and happened that gave me another 'aha' moment.  Or maybe a bunch of little ones.  To make a long story short....I am done.  I don't know what I was feeling badly about or guilty about or trying to hang on to.  He irritates the ever living stuffening out of me because, after not being around him for so long then having to be around him, it made some things glaringly obvious...he is very immature.  An immature narcissist.  Perhaps that statement is redundant.

He is 50 years old and he says he doesn't know what he wants.  Oddly enough, that was the first thing my ex pastor's wife said to me about him when he divorced me, "I don't think he even knows what he wants."  I do know what he doesn't want and it is plain that he never did want it...to be married.  He is no good with relationships.  For years I thought it was me that was not good with relationships but...no.

That's all the knowledge I need about all of this.  I am no longer conflicted or feel guilty or sorrowful about it.  I am ready to move on and date and see if I can find that guy.

***********************
On another note...I am proud of myself.  I put a new fan in my main bathroom.  I repainted the walls and the baseboards.  I put in new tile.  The only thing left to do is replace the fan switch with a timer switch.  That is happening today.  yay me!  I did it all myself.!!!  I did!  I did!  LOL!!!

Now to put up the new window treatments in my living room and hang pictures.  Then next week I will paint my office, rearrange it and make and hang the new curtains.

Today is the first day of vacation.  I am going to bake cookies and vacuum and steam clean my floors.  I was up really early though with lower back pain from bending over and cutting tile last night.  I iced and took a pain pill.  Now I want a nap.  And guess what?  I am going to give me one.

SMH

I was doing good with my job today.  I finally got my data base tweaked to where it works like I need it too.  I have all the info I need right in one place.  No more opening up multiple pages of student info just to find out all what I need to know.  I had a meeting with my lead.  She went down through my students and because I had my handy dandy database up and tweaked it took me no time at all to answer her questions which saved lots of time.  Meeting short, sweet and to the point.

In the last 2 days I have had to go back and educate 2 different families in how things work and what they are doing wrong.

I am in communication overload.  So what am I doing on here?  Well...let me tell you.

I got a call in the latter part of the afternoon from my ex MIL.  I thought it was unusual because she doesn't really call me.  Why should she?  I hesitated and contemplated...but ultimately I answered it.  She told me that Troy (The Darkness) asked her to call me and tell me that he REALLY needed  me to call him and that it was really important that he speak with me.  She said that he said it is something VERY important.  I told her, "it better be an emergency."  She didn't say anything.  I sighed and said, "fine"  We chit chatted a bit.  Then I called him.

I will tell you what...he is totally out of his mind.

He started to tell me how all the things he said to me last Thursday and Friday were not 'real'.  He was not back with her..he just was saying that stuff because he was having a difficult time with her and she owed him money.  But now he has his money and she is totally gone from his life and will never be in it again.  Sorry he hurt me...knows we can't get back together...but wants to be 'friends'.

Here's the thing...I have been wrangling with the 'forgiveness' part.  I wrote about that in a previous post.  But then, I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald about forgiveness.  He said, "you can forgive and not be an enabler."  And the way he explained it gave me that 'aha' moment.  It went along with my 'aha' moment where I realized I had no reason to have him in my life anymore...I didn't have to communicate with him.  So, I can forgive him but not give him anymore chances to do it again.  Yep...I can handle that.

I have also been training myself not to go back and think about the past...the wrongs, the rights...it is all the past.  Move on. Do not dig up and carry around that old sack of rotten potatoes anymore.  God put this thought into my head:  those 25 years of marriage to him were miserable BUT they weren't totally wasted years because I have LOTS of great memories with my kids.  I AM grateful for his financial support so that I could stay home with them and raise them and do so many great things with them.

Now...back to the conversation.  I told him that I do not know if I can be friends with him ever.  I told him that he lied to me so many times, changed his story, manipulated me that I did not trust a word out of his mouth and frankly I just did not want to deal with it anymore.  I told him that he told me he just wanted to make a life so go make it. I am trying to make a life for myself.  I told him that he had told me after the divorce that I needed to quit communicating, get over it and move on.

He said, "Well, that wasn't all me."  I just skipped right over that.  He is a grown ass man.  He should be able to make up his own mind.  He is still trying to blame everyone else around him for all that happened and for his decisions.

Then when he realized I wasn't giving in and softening up, he started to get aggravated about something that I pointed out that he had done in our marriage...towards our son, more than once...that caused me to lose respect for him. He was trying to rewrite history and, of course, true to form, get me to believe my memory of events was skewed.  He was getting angry and I abruptly said, "Well, you are getting angry, this conversation is over.  I will see you Christmas.  Good bye."  and hung up.

I am NOT taking the block off my phone.  I am NOT taking the blocks off of my emails.  He can sit and stew in his own juice.

He kept saying that he knew I was angry and thought of him as the enemy. To which I said, "I am not angry. I don't think of you as the enemy.  I just don't care and I don't think of you."

I am not doing or saying this to hurt him.  I just want him to leave. He divorced me.  I felt badly for no reason.  I am over it all now and I can have a better life.  And if I end up never having anyone else in my life, then so be it.  If I end up living in a one room hovel by myself, then so be it.  It is my life to work with and I would rather be without him than with him.

And Then There Was Light

I have been dancing and singing most of the weekend.

I have gotten my Thanksgiving dinner organized.  I have a lot of the Christmas presents taken care of. And today I scored a used table and chairs set for my son and his fiancee for their first apartment.  It cost me a whole $40.  It is going to be a joint Christmas present.

I am looking forward to my week off for Thanksgiving because I have so much I can accomplish around the house!  Seriously doing some rearranging and fixing of things.  Yes...I...am!!!

I was going to do more than I did today BUT it was sunny and warm and after picking up the table and chairs...and hiding it at Jordan's...I meandered around the holiday deco section at the Menard's store.  I was getting decoration ideas.  I saw some things that made me go, "REALLY?  How much do they want for that?  I can make it myself...and better."  I have pine cones and sticks.  I refuse to pay someone $20 for a star made out of sticks with a bit of fake greenery and pine cones glued to it.  Or poinsettias made out of burlap and sprayed red.

I have been taking probiotics for almost a week now and my jeans are fitting like they should again.  I have not weighed myself.  I don't want to.  If my jeans start to feel looser I will.  I still have to work my DDP Yoga into the equation.  I need the strength.

Life is going to get better.  It is better all ready.  I feel like I was just set free from a bad habit.  It is as if...someone turned the light on!  And even those descriptions do not describe how I feel.  I have no words.  I just know it is awesome.  Thank you God for sticking with me.  Light the way and I will follow.

Go Peddle Caring Somewhere Else

Evil Spawn's name has been changed to "The Darkness".  Dark for short.

Dark spoke with both of OUR kids.  I told them he was going to call them and be manipulative.  He will make all kinds of excuses and expect that they will believe him. Therefore, if they have an opinion or thought about anything, they need to make sure they tell him so he doesn't falsely believe he is manipulating anyone.

Well...they DID tell him. And every excuse he lobbed at them they threw back in his face.  I was most surprised at my daughter because she REALLY let him have it.

He kept telling the kids that he knew I wasn't talking to him because I was mad at him.  He wanted them to tell me things but they told him they were not going to relay anything he had to say because I had heard it and it meant nothing.

So, I wrote him one more, LAST, email and explained to him it wasn't anger that had made me block him from my phone or my email...it was how he treated me and his choices.  I was not friends with people that treated me the way he did.  I no longer cared about him at all because he had finally killed off any feelings I had for him in anyway.  I am not angry with him because that would mean I care in someway...and I don't.  There is no reason for us to communicate.  The kids are adults and he can talk to them and they could contact him themselves if they wanted to.  We are divorced so I have no reason to want to talk to him or communicate.

And I honestly have no desire to communicate or care what the feck he is doing or with whom.  I told him I do not care if he is happy, miserable, alive or dead.  And, I don't .  If someone told me today that he fell over dead, I would shrug.  I would not cry or feel like I should go to his funeral.  I simply do not care.

It is weird.  I do not know who he is.  I thought I did but the truth of it is that he was just pretending.  That must have just killed him.  But...he evidently was miserable and I know I was.   So...what is the point?  There is none.

I told him "do not care about me.  Do not keep a spot in your heart or mind for me.  I do not need your help. Do not buy me a Christmas present.  I am not buying you anything." He had told our son he was going to buy me something and call it a 'house present'...like he did last year.

If he buys me something I will hand it back.  I do not want it.  He told the kids he is going to be in town Christmas Eve and checking into a hotel then he will be here early Christmas morning.  I am changing the frequency on the garage door opener and the code on the key pad opener.  He still has a button in his car that is programmed to the garage door opener.  As far as I know he does not have a key to the front door.

If he wants to see the kids on Christmas he will have to knock on the door and let me invite him in, like a guest.  I really don't want him to ruin my Christmas but the only way he can do that is if I care.