Caught In My Brain

 I am definitely a product of my parents.  My mother has anxiety and needs to have control over things.  Since she learned to let go of trying to control what her kids do (I must have been quite the disappointment when I moved back here because she was expecting someone she would have to take care of and I refused to let her do it) she has put herself into the outdoors around her.  I won't even get in to that.  I will say, her need to 'prove' her worth has caused her to neglect her physical and put too much strain on her shoulder replacement and now it looks like she will need a new one.

My father has dark moods.  They will come out of nowhere and he refuses to interact with anyone...and it is best if you don't try to make him, either.  He doesn't get physically violent (although I have seen him snap and throw things a few times) but he is surly in his conversation and says things that can be hurtful.  On the other hand, when a problem presents itself, he will roll it around in his head and look it over, consult books, etc, until he comes up with a solution. Once he is engaged in that, let him go.

I have my mother's anxiety but have learned to step back from my kids' lives.  It was easier with Bethany because she and Jordan showed me a long time ago that they can work together and solve things together.  They plan and implement the plan. With my son, he has been more needy.  I enabled that.  I admit it.  He had a problem and instead of letting him figure it out, I jumped in and took over.  I was always worried about his stress/anxiety level and afraid he would regress into panic attacks.  He is doing okay now.  And, with each thing he learns to do on his own, it is having the opposite effect...he is gaining confidence and losing some anxiety.  Really, I should have realized that would happen but...I just couldn't seem to let go.  

I am pouring myself into my work and my home again.  I am finding time for friends around me...even in this time of COVID.  I passed my first class on Auditory Processing Disorder with a 100% A+.  I am working on another class that is in it's second of 3 phases.  I passed the first phase with 100%.  

I had to replace a shut off valve on the toilet in my main bathroom.  I happened to have bought one because I had noticed that it wouldn't shut off and I knew I had to replace the inside working of the toilet tank. Then it suddenly started dripping profusely all over the floor a week later.  So, there I was, with wrenches taking it apart and putting the new one on.  My dad came the next day and replaced the tank parts for me while I was working.  He didn't seem to mind and neither did my mom.  He got out of the house, was busy and my mom got some time to herself as well.  I am glad I am useful.  LOL  When foraging in the basement for my Christmas decorations I found a surprise. When I came back from TJ's when I went to see the new home, I brought back some rubbermaid storage boxes that I have leant them to pack and move.  I put them in the basement.  It so happens they were beneath my main bathroom, right below where the toilet sits. And when the shut off valve flooded the floor and the water leaked through the floor around the toilet, it all fell inside the empty storage box.  If that box hadn't been there, they water would have been all over my basement floor.

Back to my classes...they have projects that have to be put together.  I read all of the assignments and see what will be expected then I roll it around in my head for a while until I come up with something that will satisfy my class project AND I can use with my students as I make lessons. That way, I am not doing double the work.  It saves time and I can see my project working as I submit it for a grade.

You should see my daily calendar.  I have it all lined up with what I have to do.  This included writing IEP documents, phone calls to parents, recording help videos for my students, doing my course work, etc.  

The problem with what dad and I do...getting lost in the problem...is we neglect ourselves.  I have tried to include time, now, to revamp my diet to make it work better for me.  I have also done some thinking about me and how I respond and act with people.  You sometimes don't see your own problem.  People come at me and want to DO things and take me along and my first response it to recoil.  'That's not in my plan!'  I think part of it is I don't trust.  Another part of it is I am afraid that they will decide I no longer fit into their life and will leave and I will never see them again.  I am trying to be okay with that possibility.  No one likes rejection, after all.  I also am trying to be okay with the idea that just because you meet people and like them, does not mean you have to be in each other's lives.  I don't have to be everybody's friend.  I may like who they are and what they do....possibly though there are just enough things about each of us that would not be a good fit to be constant friends.  I may have a small tight circle of people that I trust and want to be around but that's okay.  I have never been a 'large circle' kind of person.  It is tiring to be that way...for me. I feel like I am on display.  I have learned that I have my own thoughts and likes and if someone is in agreement, great but if not, they are allowed that also. Move on and out.  I don't take it as a sign of rejection of ME...just differences.  And some people are not comfortable with those differences.  I am not comfortable with some differences. 

Sometimes I alter my plans.  Like today.  I took a break from teaching today so that I could get my course work caught up.  I was overwhelmed and I have learned to recognize it and give myself a break before I have a melt down.  So, having acknowledged that, it is time to get back to it.  

Never Too Old to Learn

 I am my mother's daughter.  I am learning some things that my mom had to learn.  It's tough when you are used to being the one that takes care of everything and everyone.  You hover and deal.  You find your worth in making everyone else's life easier.  You don't know how to quit doing that.

I have had to step back from my son's life.  Things came to a head with my daughter in law.  I had no idea there was a problem but I really should have seen it.  She came to resent me very much.  My son was constantly running to me to vent and for advice.  I kept helping out with money and advice and giving them needed maintenance items for their new home.  I didn't know that there was a resentment that was growing within her to the point that when I drove down to see their new place, and I had a push mower and other items in tow, she went and stayed at her mom's and a huge fight happened between her and my son.  I was shocked and very hurt.  I felt as if I was getting kicked in the butt for all of my efforts over the years.  It still stings but I have to remind myself that it is not MY life.  

I left and came home.  She came back home.  I told my son that I was stepping back and letting them do what they needed to do to work things out.  He, at first, was upset...thinking that I was shunning him.  I explained that she resented me and if they were going to work it out, I needed to not be involved.  I was always out here but I just would not be lending assistance to them or advice.  They needed to live their own lives and figure it out.  He said he understood and that he needed to quit venting about her to others and just talk more to her.  I have barely heard anything out of him in 3 weeks.  He has called is sister once.  I just pray for him and have to have faith that they are working it out.

Work has been work.  I have been finding new ways of doing things.  I have also been resenting the co-workers that EXPECT me to do things for them when they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves.  

I am working on 2 college classes as once. They both end at the same time...right before winter break.  I was so looking forward to winter break but then I got a jury summons in the mail.  It begins on my winter break time.  I may not be chosen anyway because I have to return a questionnaire.  I have to do that today.  

So, my weekend is a mixture of household duties, college work and school work.  

The church is closed down because a large part of the attendees have been getting sick.  For some of them it was a positive test for COVID, for others it is just another type of flu or cold.  My brother tested positive for COVID but his wife tested negative.  He had an automatic 10 days off from work.  He has not been sick at all and he said he has gotten some much needed home maintenance done.  We pretty much feel he got a false positive and he's fine with it.  None of us that were around him have gotten sick either.  

Bethany is still working her job and God has given her good health.  Jordan is now delivering packages for FedEx instead of just loading trucks.  He is making more money doing delivery.  He says he is making connections that will help his mushroom business.  He may decide to stay where they are.  I would rather move back down that way but I have no friends down there.  I have a few aquaintences but no friends.  I liked the area better.  I will be looking to sell here this spring and move closer to the PA border where my family is.  If Bethany and Jordan go through with their plans this spring, too, they will be moving just on the other side of the PA border.  It is a better area for them.  My friends Susan's other son and DIL moved just the other side of the PA border, too, this summer.  

I have not had any contact with Susan since school started...other than text and a few phone calls.  Her mother fell and broke her arm and things were rather touch and go for them.  But, with some help from her older sister, Susan was able to maintain and her mom is now doing a lot better.  

Debbie had to be tested for COVID because of sick workers but she came out negative also.  She and her daughter managed to put up a wire mesh fenced area around the back of their house for her mom's 2 dogs.  She has found having a house keeps her busy on her days off from nursing.  It is a good thing.

Through everything, I have noticed that my sense of humor has dwindled to not much.  I have been figuring out new things about myself and have discovered that I am only a shell of who I thought I was.  I was going along being me and thinking I was okay when I keep finding out more and more that I was causing problems with people and I have found it all confusing.  Confusing or not, I have had to step back away from more and more people.  Me living my life has caused so much resentment and upset for so many people.  It hurts when you realize that you just being you upsets others so much that you just have to lose them.  I figure at some point I will just be alone.  

Okay...time to get my day started.  

Move or Sit Still

6 hours outside on Saturday pulling and digging and planting. It got hot and I ran out of power.  I left the west side of the house until Monday.  

Yesterday I went to my parents' where they had a cookout of sorts.  We had sat indoors to eat because it got too hot outside and it was just the 4 of us.  mom, dad, Dawn, me.  It was nice just relaxing around the house with them.  

Dawn showed me a house for sale on the other side of town.  I got really interested in it.  I picked up my phone and texted the realtor about it and that I would like to see it.  I get upset because they drag their feet.  By today, she was still dragging so I contacted the realtor selling the house.  I went to school with her.  She said she would call me tomorrow and I can ask questions and she will set up a viewing for me.  In the meantime, I looked up the names of the people that live next door and asked my brother (he knows everyone) and Nick (he knows everyone).  They both vouched for the neighbor...that he and his wife are decent people and are hardly ever home.  They are in their 50's and no kids.  The house is a 2 bedroom, has a Florida room and a utility room that can be used as an office, decent sized kitchen, full water proofed basement with a bathroom in it.  BUT this is just the description and pictures from the realtor listing.  It could be totally different once I look at it.  At least it only has the one neighbor and sits on a quiet street.  All of that stuff alone would make me want to buy it and move.

My son reached out to me tonight and asked to have a phone conversation tomorrow.  He says that he and the wife have been arguing for days.  Not sure what he is thinking or if he just wants to unload it all on me.  

I did not get to any yard work today because the neighbors set up picnic tables in their driveway and were getting ready for a gathering.  I just decided not to mess with it and Lucy and I went to my parents' again.  The neighbors have not bothered me for about a year now so I am not screwing with it.  It would be kinda nice to move away from the noisy road and not have to hear the hoards of motorcycles.  Lucy may like a quieter place also.

Last week of actual school with some classes.  Next week I finish up the things I have to do.  Then...freedom!

It's the Little Things

My kids know that mom not only has been there to help with some large issues but she pays attention to the little things.  When I went to visit my son and DIL for a few days, once, I took a box of paper  goods and cleaning supplies.  I know when money is tight, the first thing you do is pay the bills then buy food.  Cleaning supplies and paper goods make it to the end of the list.  I brought paper towels, tissues, napkins, toilet tissue, and lysol products.  My DIL looked confused and I asked her, "are you running low on this stuff...or just out of it?"  "well...yes."  "AND it costs money...it adds up.  Wouldn't you rather use that money to buy food?"  This look of understanding came over her face and she laughed and said, "yeah!  I get it."

When my daughter passed her Pharmacy Tech licensing exams, I know she had been working hard to help her boyfriend make ends meet and had scrimped on the things she loved.  I sent her a Sephora gift card.  She was thrilled because she had not been able to afford to replenish her foundation.  She was all about the makeup at that time.  Of course since, she has adopted a more light dab of face powder.  Her emphasis is on her eyes and eye brows.  But at the time, the idea that I thought of her WANTS in that way made an impact.

I remembered that stuff this morning because I realized I have learned that from my mother.  I miscalculated and have run out of tissues.  (note to self: while the smaller, cube-like boxes of tissues may fit better on table and stands, they run out a lot quicker)  I have sinus and allergy issues so I go through a lot of tissues. This morning, I knew I was in trouble. And while I am the only one in the house and I COULD walk around with a roll of toilet tissue, it did not appeal to me.  One of the presents my mother gave all of us girls was this red woven and metal sleigh.  She filled it with things like pocket pack tissues, sample sized lotions, purse size hand sanitizer, small packs of breath mints and candies.  So, those pocket pack tissues are coming in handy this morning until I get dressed and meander on down the road to  the Family Dollar store.  It's the little things.

Just like working on math with my students.  I have worked, not only on math, but note taking skills.  I also have worked with them doing a lot of repetition and chunking things into smaller pieces.  It is what they need.  I connect what they were being taught in September to what they are doing now.  The math teacher seems to be skipping right over those steps.  WHY?  I interrupted her on Thursday to do a quick 'share' where I showed the students how the vocabulary and concepts were something they needed to accomplish/understand the geometry and equations they were doing now.  WHY is she not doing that?  She gets so frustrated with them yet she is not helping.

Also, another 'little' thing...the neighbor's truck.  He has a big, loud, diesel truck that he starts every morning.  He used to start it and let it sit idling in his drive for half an hour every morning.  He started it between 6:30  and 7 a.m. every morning.  During the week it is not that big of a deal because I am up already.  But on Saturday and Sunday I TRY to sleep in.   That is an irritation.  I want to shoot it.  Lately, he has been starting it and it doesn't idle any longer than 10 minutes before it goes off loudly down the road.  My brother's truck has that loud exhaust system on it too.  I'll bet his neighbors love him just as much.  I am not understanding the purpose of the loud exhaust system.  I used to own a little 2 seater sports car with a dual exhaust that made it sound like a box full of angry bees.  I had it taken off and replaced with a nice, quiet single pipe.  My dad laughed at me and told me I ruined the car. I told him that now I could hear my radio without deafening myself. 

It's the little things.

My son's interview went really well yesterday.  They told him they feel he will be a good fit for their day shift data entry position.  They sent him more forms to fill out.  Let's pray it is not a little thing that keeps him from getting the job.

And my almost-son-in-law had texted me that my daughter was going to call me about their plans this weekend.  I asked him when she was going to call me.  He said probably Saturday.  I asked him what they were doing this weekend, as I was not sure why I needed to know anything about their weekend plans.  He said, "I don't know....maybe do some reading."  I thought about this and the fact that he had earlier asked me about realtors in my area.  Then I dawned on me.  I replied, "So you meant she is going to call me this weekend to tell me about your plans...not that she is going to call me to tell me about your plans this weekend."  He did not reply.  It's the little things.

Through the Dark, What Do I See?

I have seen a lot of blogs and online help groups for divorced people trying to get over it...get on with life,..put the broken pieces together. 

But you know what so many of us just needed to be hit in the face with?  THIS:

YOU HAVE BEEN CONNED. Get over the fact that you were wrong.  This person that you thought you were marrying was only a facade. They did what they had to do to get what they wanted.  The problem is, they forgot to jump out of the boat before it docked.  They went through with the wedding and said "I do." then realized they didn't really want to.  They never considered your feelings nor intended to be the person they had made you believe they were.  They do not have the capacity or ability to consider anyone else's feelings.  They get upset and agitated when you try to make them be that person they pretended to be. And then...they walk away as if you were nothing more than a brief annoyance.  Absorb that...accept it.  You were not stupid, just trusting and ignorant of what is out there in the world.
And yes, it is difficult...so difficult to accept that you are that wrong...that naive...and have been duped so amazingly.  It makes you question your whole life...judgment, knowledge, IQ!  It is amazing the swath of destruction that such a person can cause. 

However, I refuse to accept that I am completely stupid in every area of my life.  I just made the mistake of being trusting and naive. Other women do not have that same understanding. 
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I finished my class, got an A-, paid off my class, sent the grade card and receipt to the Tuition reimbursement department.  Then I signed up for my license tests, paid my money, and put in for a personal day because this is going to take all day. Then I sent in my internet reimbursement paperwork and that amount I get back will cover the cost of my tests. whew.  

THEN I will have to figure out where the money is coming to pay for my license application.  Sheesh. 

It will get done.  Just like working things out with their dad to help get Bethany's ER and Physician bills taken care of.  She was dragging her feet and not addressing it with her dad so I sucked it up and emailed him then exchanged info via text and email and when he asked if he could call me, I told him I would email what he needed. He was able to do what needed to be done without speaking to me.  Then it was over and I moved on.  He didn't get a chance to say something that would upset me and I didn't have to hear his voice, which makes me angry.
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Lucy got taken to a new vet today.  I really liked the place. They were very nice, clean, and Lucy handled it well. She got checked, got her shots and was given a good report.  Whew!  She came home and ate the cookie I gave her but has not been interested in eating her dinner. She has laid in her bed and slept for hours, except when she went outside a few times to go to relieve herself.  It was too daunting for her.  She is a princess. 

The next stop is the doggy beauty parlor and spa.  I will have to make an appointment for her next week.  I finally made a chiropractor appointment for myself.  I have been putting up with unnecessary pain below my neck and in my lower back. 
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I was given a Health Rider and I love it. Unfortunately, I have been having some health issues that have kept me from using for the last 2 days.  We will see what happens over this weekend.  I have also turned into an old ppl...bed early.  However, it has not meant I get up earlier.  I have been dragging very badly.  Not sure why I am so tired..exhausted.  But tomorrow is Saturday and if I want to go back to bed I will.  I don't have anything I have to do until 2 o'clock when I go to see A Wrinkle In Time in 3D with Bethany and Jordan.

How to be an Arrogant Prick

I got a 'C' on my last project.  C!!!  The rubric said to interview a high school student that has been on an IEP for quite a few years and had to go through the transition plans.  Then to share it in any manner we choose with our classmates in a professional manner and 'reflect' on the interview and answers.  That is ALL it said.

My course instructor told me that since the 'reflection' was 1/3 of the grade she expected that it would be more and she was disappointed that my Power Point (how I chose to share) was all of 5 slides long.

As you can imagine...this did NOT sit well with me.

This is an instructor with a DOCTORATE that is presenting a class on learning disabilities and how to reach students with different learning styles.  There is an irony here.

I copied her project instructions and inserted them in an email where I pointed out that she had not elaborated on any expectations.  I let her know that because of MY learning style and the way I process information, I took her instructions at face value.  If there was to be more specific instruction, it needed to be included. Given her pan of my Student Interview, I would be reworking  my Parent Interview before I submit it.

And I did.  I gave her a lovely introduction and a very long, indepth reflection including a reminder of student learning styles and that it does not change for adults.

I do not know what grade she will give me for that but...it is what it is.  I am disgusted with people that say one thing and do another.  Especially those with a 'Dr.' in front of their name.

I am not an idiot.  I do my job very well.  I am an extremely empathetic person and I get different learning styles and I can work with it...and I do.  Take that doctorate and stuff it up your butt lady.

On another subject... I want someone to say 'I love you' to and hear him say it back...and mean it.

Past My Bedtime

Right now I am hanging on for Dec. 9.  Why? That is when my big month long break between my 2nd and 3rd class begins.  I am only on week 4 of this class and already I want a break.

By Dec 9 there is no more yard work and I get a break from classes...so that when my 2 week Winter break hits guess what this girl is doing....NOTHING!!!  I will let the dogs in and out, feed them, and vacuum up after them.  There is also that pesky thing known as laundry but Bethany can help with that.  I am going to read a BOOK...paper.  No computer.  I am even going to limit my FB time.

I went to the eye doctor to get my eyes checked out really well, get new contacts and lenses for my frames.  I like my frames.  They are just the right  shape, color and just heavy duty enough.  I just needed new lenses.

I also had a concern with my left eye that the doctor needed to check out.  I have been find a little bit of a field of vision problem.  I was afraid of my retina detaching (I had a flashing light for few days in my peripheral vision...but it stopped) and there is something missing...just a very small, tiny bit.  I was worried about macular degeneration.  Well, I was partly right.  It is my macula...there is a tiny hole. The eye doctor said it is very tiny but it is what is causing me to find a very small missing bit.  If I am ready smaller print, and, for instance, I am looking at a 3 letter word, the middle letter is 2/3 missing.

She sent me home with a chart to use to monitor if the missing bit gets bigger or smaller. She said it COULD heal on its own.  But I have to visit her again in a month...and she will not charge me...so she can look at it to see if it has gotten any better or worse.  She said I would need to see a retina specialist and have a 3D image done of the inside of my eye then they may decide to repair it with laser surgery, if it needs to be fixed.

I am praying for healing.  I can't afford the surgery.

My mother had a scare with skin cancer.  But it turned out that they caught it soon enough to burn it all out.  But she is deaf in her left ear now.  Something about a nerve...*sigh*

I have had to do some hustling this week for my classwork.  I have to observe an IEP meeting and submit a paper about it.  It is due this Sunday and every IEP meeting I was ok'd to sit in on turned out it wasn't going to happen because the parents could not be reached.  I FINALLY found an IS that was having one tomorrow and she got the parents' ok .  So WHEW!  I also have had to scrape up an IS I can work with to do some work with some kids on intervention techniques.

I wouldn't mind working on these projects then writing the papers about it and handing them in except that we still have 2 chapters to read a week and write a discussion piece then read everyone else's and comment on them, plus we have a unit of another thing to read every week and do an assessment.

I keep getting new student cases to work with on my job.  Each day Holly feeds me another 2-3 students.  I am thankful to One Note!  It keeps me organized.  I am keeping on top of all of these students right now.  Of course, it helps that 2 of my cases are on their way to withdrawal and 2 more I am waiting for the Special Education department to test them to make sure their disabilities do not have anything to do with them not doing their lessons.  Once they decide that is not the case, then I can dig in and bring the hammer down.

I also have 4 students that I am basically keeping track of how many days they have until I can hand them over to the Truancy officer and have them shoved out the 'door'.  They will not communicate with the teacher or me, they are not logging their students in and the students are not doing lessons.  So...bye.

I have a few that have decided that following school requirements is better than fighting the state over truancy.

And tomorrow (actually, today, now) I have To Do List for my job, I have the IEP meeting, lawn mowing, vacuuming, and my classwork to do.

Oh...and before Douchebag the Magnificent left town, he had handed me checks for the kids' bday this month.  Just checks.  Tuesday night I checked my personal email and found an email from him and he asked me if I was buying Bethany a card (to put his name on and his check in) or if he should send her a card?  REALLY???  Why in God's name would I buy a card FOR HIM to be given to her?  I just answered,"I was just going to give her the check"  Today I found an email from him that said, "You can buy a card or I could send it or you can just give her the check."  I did not reply.  I had already given him my answer.  If he wants to send her a card, he should do that.  If he is too feckin lazy to get her one, so be it.  I am not his momma.  And I do NOT want to communicate with the douche.  He has never had any respect for me so why the hell would I held him out?  BITE ME!

Okay...I got that out of my system.  Time to get some sleep.  I also have to find some time to do my exercising.  I have been doing it every day for the last 4 days and I am making myself do it  I kinda have to now because I am signed up in this weight loss online medical thing paid for by my employer and my hospitalization.  We have to log our exercise every day and keep track of our weight once a week.  We are in an online group once a week.  My group meets on Tuesdays at 6 pm.  I have to do something.  I have worked on finding myself esteem and grit.  Now I need to work on finding my thinner body again.  It will never be as thin as I was in my 20's but it can be closer to it.  I have 75 pounds to lose.  Yep...75.  If I wanted to be where I was in my 20's I would have 95 pounds to lose.  I am not trying that.  LOL

Under the Piano

I was walking by when the rope, that was hoisting the piano up into the upper floor of the apartment building, broke and the piano came rushing back down and landed...on top of me.

Not really.  But that is what I have felt like this week.  Every night by 5 p.m. I feel just like that.

This has been a very long frustrating week for me.  I have put in 12 hours at my job on Tuesday, Wednesday...14 hours on Thursday.  Today I was just frustrated because I was finding (or not finding) missing notes, trying to fill in holes in the data, updating, and the parents were calling.

I have been feeling all week like I the person trying to button the back of a dress on a fat lady when the dress is 2 sizes too small. Every time I get another button fastened, the fat presses too hard against another button and it pops...

I was doing really well until this week.  The week before Lisa dumped 17 new cases on me. I did well with them.  But this last Friday she dumped 20 new cases.  I am not sure if it was the 3 extra kids or the one less day...or both. All I know is I will need to spend some time this weekend trying to get things back together so that next week seems more manageable.

SO glad I don't have anyone else that I have to take care of.

I will begin my classes in a couple of weeks...hopefully.  I have 2 online classes I need to take in order to renew my teaching license this summer.  I just hope I can get this stuff taken care of with my job so that I can  handle both or my next stop is the psych ward.

Speaking of psych ward...I came across another article that really explained my 25 years of marriage SO well...and me...

WhatAbuseSurvivorsDon'tKnow:10Life-ChangingTruths

Shahida Arabi Author, The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care

The journey to healing from emotional or physical abuse requires us to revolutionize our thinking about relationships, self-love, self-respect and self-compassion. Abusive relationships often serve as the catalyst for incredible change and have the potential to motivate us towards empowerment and strength, should we take advantage of our new agency.

Here are ten life-changing truths abuse survivors should embrace in their journey to healing, though it may appear challenging to do so.
1. It was not your fault. Victim-blaming is rampant both in society and even within the mental landscapes of abuse survivors themselves. Recently, the victim-blaming and the mythical "ease" of leaving an abusive relationship has been challenged in the public discourse. Accepting that the pathology of another person and the abuse he or she inflicted upon you is not under your control can be quite challenging when you've been told otherwise,  by the abuser, the public and even by those close to you who don't know any better.
Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they've suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You, on the other hand, are enough. Unlike your abuser, you don't have to abuse anyone else to feel superior or complete. You are already whole, and perfect, in your own imperfect ways.
2. Your love cannot inspire the abuser to change. There was nothing you could have done differently to change the abuser. Repeat this to yourself. Nothing. Abusers have a distorted perspective of the world and their interactions with people are intrinsically disordered. Pathological narcissists and sociopaths are disordered individuals who have specific manipulation tactics as well as behavioral traits that make them unhealthy relationship partners. Part of their disorder is that they feel superior and entitled; they are usually unwilling to get help and they benefit from exploiting others. A lack of empathy enables them to reap these benefits without much remorse. Giving your abuser more love and subjugating yourself to the abuser out of fear and out of the hope that he or she would change would've only enabled the abuser's power. You did the right thing (or you will) by stepping away and no longer allowing someone to treat you in such an inhumane manner.
3. Healthy relationships are your birthright and you can achieve them. It is your right to have a healthy, safe, and respectful relationship. It is your right to be free from bodily harm and psychological abuse. It is your right to be able to express your emotions without ridicule, stonewalling or the threat of violence. It is your right not to walk on eggshells. It is your right to pursue people who are worthy of your time and energy. Never settle for less than someone who respects you and is considerate towards you. Every human being has this right and you do too. If you are someone who has the ability to respect others and are capable of empathy, you are not any less deserving than anyone else of a relationship that makes you happy.
4. You are not forever damaged by this. Healing and recovery is a challenging process, but it is not an impossible one. You may suffer for a long time from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and other symptoms as a result of the abuse. You may even enter other unhealthy relationships or reenter the same one; this is not uncommon, as a large part of our behavior is driven by our subconscious. Still, you are not "damaged goods." You are not forever scarred, although there are scars that may still remain. You are a healer, a warrior, a survivor. You do have choices and agency. You can cut all contact with your ex-partner, seek counseling and a support group for survivors, create a stronger support network, read literature on abusive tactics, engage in better self-care, and you can have better relationships in the future. If you suspect you were the victim of emotional abuse, you can read about the manipulation tactics of emotionally abusive people and understand how pathological individuals operate so that you can protect yourself in the future. All hope is not lost. You can use this experience to gain new knowledge, resources and networks. You can channel your crisis into transformation.
5.  You don't have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn't leave right away. The fear, isolation and manipulation that the abuser imposed upon us is legitimate and valid. Studies have proven that trauma can produce changes the brain. If we experienced or witnessed abuse or bullying in our childhood, we can be subconsciously programmed to reenact our early childhood wounding.
The trauma of an abusive relationship can also manifest in PTSD or acute stress disorder regardless of whether or not we witnessed domestic violence as a child. Stockholm syndrome is a syndrome that tethers survivors of trauma and abuse to their abusers in order to survive. This syndrome is created from what Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D calls "trauma bonds," which are bonds that are formed with another person during traumatic emotional experiences. These bonds can leave us paradoxically seeking support from the source of the abuse. Biochemical bonds can also form with our abuser through changing levels of oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol and adrenaline which can spike during the highs and lows of the abuse cycle.
The connection we have to the abuser is like an addiction to the vicious cycle of hot and cold, of sweet talk and apologies, of wounds and harsh words. Our sense of learned helplessness, an overwhelming feeling that develops as we are unable to escape a dangerous situation, is potent in an abusive relationship. So is our cognitive dissonance, the conflicting ideas and beliefs we may hold about who the abuser truly is versus who the abuser has shown himself or herself to be. Due to the shame we feel about the abuse, we may withdraw from our support network altogether or be forced by our abuser to not interact with others.
These reasons and more can all interfere with our motivation and means to leave the relationship. You may have been financially dependent on your abuser or feared physical or psychological retaliation in the form of slander. Therefore, you never have to justify to anyone why you did not leave right away or blame yourself for not doing so. Someone else's invalidation should not take away your experience of fear, powerlessness, confusion, shame, numbing, cognitive dissonance and feelings of helplessness that occurred when and after the abuse took place.
6. Forgiveness of the abuser is a personal choice, not a necessity. Some may tell you that you have to forgive the abuser to move on. Truly, that is a personal choice and not a necessity. You might feel forgiveness of the abuser is necessary in order to move forward, but that does not mean you have to. Survivors may have also experienced physical and sexual abuse in addition to the psychological manipulation. You may have gone through so much trauma that it feels impossible to forgive, and that's okay.
It is not our job to cater to the abuser's needs or wants. It's not our duty to reconcile with or forgive someone who has deliberately and maliciously harmed us. Our duty lies in taking care of ourselves on the road to healing.
7. Forgiveness towards yourself is necessary to move forward. Self-forgiveness is a different matter. You do have to demonstrate compassion towards yourself and forgive yourself for not leaving the relationship sooner, for not taking care of yourself better, and for not looking out for your safety and best interests. These are all things survivors tend to struggle with in the aftermath of an abusive relationship and it can take a while to get to this point.
Remember: You didn't know what you know now about how the abuser would never change. Even if you had, you were in a situation where many psychological factors made it difficult to leave.
8. You are not the crazy one. During the abusive relationship, you were gaslighted into thinking that your perception of reality was false and told that you were the pathological one, that your version of events was untrue, that your feelings were invalid, that you were too sensitive when you reacted to his or her mistreatment of you. You may have even endured a vicious smear campaign in which the charming abuser told everyone else you were "losing it."
Losing it actually meant that you were tired of being kicked around, tired of being cursed at and debased. Losing it actually meant that you were finally starting to stand up for yourself. The abuser saw that you were recognizing the abuse and wanted to keep you in your place by treating you to cold silence, harsh words, and condescending rumor mongering.
It's time to get back to reality: you were not the unstable one. The unstable one was the person who was constantly belittling you, controlling your every move, subjecting you to angry outbursts, and using you as an emotional (and even physical) punching bag.
Who are you? You were the person who wanted a good relationship. The one who strove to please your abuser, even at the cost of your mental and physical health. You were the one whose boundaries were broken, whose values were ridiculed, whose strengths were made to look like weaknesses. You attempted to teach a grown person how to behave with respect - often fruitlessly. You were the one who deserved so much better.
9. You do deserve better. No matter what the abuser told you about yourself, there are people out there in healthy relationships. These people are cherished, respected and appreciated on a consistent basis. There is trust in the relationship, not the toxic manufacturing of love triangles. There are genuine apologies for mistakes, not provocation for attention or quick reconciliation.
Consider this: aside from the experience of trauma, these people in healthier relationships are not drastically different from you. In many ways, they are just like you - flawed, imperfect, but worthy of love and respect. There are billions of people in this world, and yes, you can bet there are plenty out there who will treat you better than the way you've been treated before. There are people out there who will see your wonderful strengths, talents, and who will love your quirks. These people wouldn't dream of intentionally hurting you or provoking you. You will find these people - in friendships and in future relationships. Perhaps you already have.
10. It may have seemed this relationship was like a "waste of time" but in changing your perspective, it can also be an incredible learning experience. You now have the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values as a result of this experience. As a survivor, you've seen the dark side of humanity and what people are capable of. You've recognized the value of using your time wisely after you've exhausted it with someone unworthy. With this newfound knowledge, you are no longer naive to the fact that there are emotional predators out there. Most importantly, you can share your story to help and empower other survivors. I know I did, and you can too.

I Don't Have A Degree in that BUT...

The family that I was upset about a few weeks back...that was getting evicted...

Prayers are a wonderful thing.  This mother found help, got a job, and they are all safe, with a roof over their head.  She contacted us this morning.  I checked on the students' progress and updated their Back on Track plans before I contacted her.  In the meantime our school social worker called me.  She was of the opinion that the mother was not going to be able to handle all of this and that the kids would be better off in a brick and mortar school...they would be safer and fed.

I think she was surprised that I would not back her in this decision.  I told her that:

1) she had not talked to the mom, yet, to find out what all was going on...how stable with the 'roof over their head', did she have other support systems, etc.
2) the middle school boys would not necessarily be better off in an inner city middle school.  I told her that she had not actually been in one of those schools and it could be a frightening, harmful environment.  My sense of the mother was that she was trying to make schooling and life less frightening for her kids.

Priti seemed a bit agitated with me.  I dug my heels in and I told her the whole conversation was moot until we both spoke with the mom.

Priti beat me to it. She called me back and told me that perhaps I had a point.  She went through the whole list of all the mother had done to ensure proper schooling and that her kids were being taken care of by her sister while she was at work and that she was on top of what her kids were doing with their classes when she got home from work.

I called the mother and congratulated her on her big turn around.  I had already sent emails to her kids giving them all a pat on the back for getting back to their schooling and being responsible.

Life is tough and why can't we have more faith in others?

On the flip side, I had a family that I DID recommend for withdrawal from our school.  The mother really wasn't doing her part, the kids were getting farther and farther behind and everytime we reached out and tried to help, she fought us.   I tried working with them for the last 2 months and nothing got better.  Bye.  The biggest piece I did not mention is...she had her kids in the school last year and bucked the system and was abusive to the teachers all year.  This year, we have a different system that helps us weed out the difficult ones that refuse to do as they should.  One of the students' teachers called me to thank me.

Kinda like The Darkness.  He can make things seem better for a while but...he is who he is.  He IS trying to step up and help TJ and Brit with gathering what they need for their first place.  He keeps suggesting ways he wants to help me...or things he can do for me.  I really am not interested in that. But if he wants to help his son then good.

I think when he is here over the holidays, I will do a 'forgiveness burial' with him.  I want to move on.  I want him to move on.  This may help us both.

Totally unrelated:  I joined the school Walker Tracker Challenge.  I have to walk 3 miles a day every day until Christmas.  I shall try to rise to the challenge.  Wish me luck.

sad mad glad bad fad had dad...

The devil wants to keep you sad and mad. God wants you to be glad.  (paraphrased from Joyce Meyer Ministries)

I find it ironic that now that Troy and I are divorced we can communicate so much better.  I don't really know for sure what he is doing with his life.  And it is not my business.  But we opened a dialogue where we are admitting to things we could have done differently but didn't.  I could have helped out with finances better than I did.  I told him that and I told him that once I am on my feet and can pay all of my own bills we can reduce the alimony amount and length of payment.  I told him I took off from him for long enough and I shouldn't be taking off from him now. 

I don't believe he owes me.  I have actually been ashamed that I am getting alimony.  It makes me ashamed of myself.  I need to remove anything that makes me feel bad...sad...about myself. 

He told me that I never took off from him.  I was his wife and he had no problem with sharing with me and the kids because we were a family.  But he appreciated my sentiment.  He said that the position we are both in was both of our doing.  He said that he knows that he was difficult to live with and he was overly demanding and I didn't deserve THAT...therefore, he feels that he needs to make it up to me.  Of course I countered with he doesn't need to make anything up to me.  I have a roof over my head and he bought me vehicles to drive, spoiled the kids, etc. 

He has been one of my biggest encouragers since I started work on my masters.  I pray he finds his peace.

We get along better now that we don't have to get along.  It is a shame.  However, it doesn't mean that now that we admit to what we did wrong in our relationship that we could get back together.  Personally, I think we both realize we are better without the other one.  Our personalities do not fit together. 

Next subject...allergy season.  It is making it difficult to slog through my classwork.   I am doing 2 classes at once now and will be for the next couple of weeks.  On the upside, the last paper I handed in, that I ripped my hair out over and was expecting A LOT of feedback on, I got 100% and the only feedback was "Very well done".  Huh.  I'll take it.  But, I am getting it.  For class 1 I have 2 short assignments to get handed in by Saturday night that will set up the next assignment which is another paper.  This paper is on a subject that follows along with what we are getting our degree in so my paper will have to do with Autism.  I think I have decided to specialize my Special Education Degree.  I don't have to decide right now.  I could still generalize. 

I have a nephew that has a son with Autism.  Matthew (the son) is a little behind in maturity but he is very intellectually advanced in spatial relations and design.  If you give that boy boxes of legos of every kind he can sit for hours and work on a design until he builds something mechanical. 

My daughter has decided to major in Psychology.  She will be entering the same college as her boyfriend and he will be switching his major to Psychology also.  They, however, will be specializing in different things.  The first year they should be pretty much together.  It is what she wants, we did research on job opportunities and pay scale in the area and there actually is some very well paying job opportunities.  It is her life....

I have been so much calmer lately.  And, I have applied for some very interesting summer teaching opportunities with charter schools.  This Sunday I am attending a charter school teacher job fair.  I am saying my prayers that God guides me and opens some doors.