The Big Melt

 This week has been extremely stressful.  Along with all of the other problems...trying to write IEPs, teach classes, record extra help sessions, our school system going on the blink...the Language Arts teacher quit Thursday morning.  THEN the lawn guy showed up and I told him if he wanted to wait until he mowed the lawn of the woman behind me so that he could do them both at the same time, that was okay with me.  He left.  Then called me up 3 hours later yelling at me that I was just trying to save money so he wasn't going to mow my lawn anymore.  

He wouldn't let me talk.  He said he'd made up his mind and hung up.  It sent me into an emotional tailspin.  It was like major PTSD.  My mind goes spinning, my chest hurts and it lasted for the rest of the day and night...into the next day.  It took me until this afternoon to feel somewhat normal.  

Then I watched a show that had something going on in it that started it all up again.

I would love to 'get help' but I can't afford it.  I don't know if it would even help.  The whole thing worries me because I know that on my mom's side of the family they ended up in states of paranoia as they aged.  I am too young to be in that state yet but I could be sinking into it all ready.  

I sit here and start feeling badly that I am alone and don't see much of anyone and if I sat here and died I am not sure there would be anyone that would feel bad or miss me.  I know that isn't true because my family would.  But friends?  Who?  Susan and Debbie would miss me but probably not much.  We all have been so busy with new things in our lives and our jobs we haven't had much time to spend together.  I am hoping by October that will change a bit.

But I want to be loved...someone that would be so heartbroken if I died.  Someone whose life I would make a big hole in if I died.  

I also realized something else today.  I got out of the house and went to a very long garage sale.  It was a 60 mile long garage sale.  I think we went 10 miles.  I stopped at my parents' for a little bit.  Then came home.  I felt better.  I need to get out and have a group of people.  

I have to make sure I go to church on Sundays and Bible study on Wednesday night.  I need a group of people and out of my house.  My mental health depends on it.  

Energy Efficiency

Wednesday and Thursday were not such great days when it came to exercise.  I am in a crunch right now.  I have more than half of my students that I need to have IEPs ready for by Sept 10 and 17.  Which means I need to get those parents on the phone and get the meeting schedule set.  I will be writing IEPs all next week...trying to get that done before the classes begin.  I also have teaching programs to get used to and be able to use.  I only got 2 out 18 parents on the phone yesterday.  One parent stuck right to the subject of student and school.  That was a quick 30 minute call (yes, quick, because I have a lot of information to go over with them) and the other parent wanted to yap about everything...her ills, her troubles, etc...yet, I still managed to get her off the phone in 45 minutes.  I watch the clock.  They have a 45 time frame, max then I need to move on to the next parent.

I have to make sure I am eating better besides trying to get some exercise in.  

I visited my parents last night.  I just needed to get out of the house...so did Lucy...and have some human contact.  My parents are still alive and kicking because they go out and do a lot of physical labor...I am convinced of that.  They are clearing not only their yard and the 'swamp' behind them but they are also helping the neighbors behind them keep their yards cleared.  I do not envision me EVER having that kind of energy.  Heck, I don't have it NOW.  I even hired a guy to mow and trim my yard.  I will tell YOU...it is WONDERFUL! For the first time in decades, I am not the one mowing the lawn.

I hit the ground running this morning.  I did some chores this morning.  A container of 2 grams of sugar yogurt and a cup of coffee for now, too.  Yesterday I only had coffee all morning, that container of yogurt after noon and real food did not make it on a plate until 5 o'clock. That was not good for me because my body does not work that way.  However, this afternoon will be veggies from my garden with sugar free honey dijon dip.  

Next week is supposed to be cooler.  I am SO looking forward to that.  I like the temps in the 70's.  Maybe I can get some painting done during my lunch time next week.  I am hoping to paint my front door tomorrow.  I SO want that done!

Deeper Roots

I am finding that the more changes I make to the house, the more excited I get about it and the more I am settling in.  These changes are mine.  I decided, I put in them into action.  I hope I don't get so very used to making all decisions and getting things put into action that I could not tolerate having someone else in my life if he would happen to come along.  HOWEVER, I am not going to focus on that because there isn't even anyone on the horizon.

Poor Susan is going through a difficult spot this week.  It is her late husband's bday on Thursday.  I wish I could do something for her but it is a family affair and the best I can do is send prayers.

Debbie is frustrated because she has to do her yearly nurse PDs online and she said, "I can't do video games! This stuff is timed and I can't find the right buttons...!!!" She has done the one 'game' 3 times and never saves the patient life before it times out.  "I don't understand these buttons!  I know what to do but I don't know what button it is or where to move the mouse!!!" I said, "what hospital do you work at again, cuz I won't go there."  Ha ha!   She is still working on painting and putting in flooring in her mom's house.  She said at the rate things are going she will not move in until December.  She has help from her brothers on the flooring and other minor repairs.  She says the house needs a new porch.  Hope they are good with that stuff.  She calls me and talks to me a lot when she is on her way home from work.  She works 12 hours shifts and she says it keeps her awake. yikes.

AND...as if no one could see this coming...TJ has pumped the brakes AGAIN on the separation from  Brit.  Her aunt took her aside and had a long talk with her, prayed with both of them and then they had a long talk. She wants them to start attending church again (which TJ has been doing...Brit quit) and attend counseling.  Brit had refused to do counseling before but she said she knows they need it and will do it.  I told TJ that I just want him to have a decent life and he will need to figure this all out.  I would LOVE to see this marriage turn around but I am not holding my breath on her changing her ways.  I DO pray for them.  I also told him that IF she doesn't do any of that, then he really needs to make up his mind about it...but it's his life.

I am having a new front door put in.  The guy that is doing it wanted to do it last night. I had my misgivings.  He said, "It's easy peasy!"  but he is working on it now. He started at 10 and it is after 4.  He is putting in the last of the trim to fit it tight. This was big job that I did not want my dad to do.

While TJ is here I am going to put in the ceiling fan in my office area and the new bathroom vent fan in the main bathroom because I have to go over head and put in the vent.  It was never vented.  I don't do electrical work if I am by myself.

My backyard neighbor Lynn came over and asked to come by later with a bottle of wine and some munchies.  We are going to sit in the sunroom, or, if it isn't raining, sit on the side porch. The back deck is too hot in the afternoon.  That is why I will be happy to get my privacy screen up.  It will give it a bit of shade.

Which reminds me...tomorrow I am getting a glider rocker with matching footrest from Dawn to put in my livingroom.  It is a light rusty colored fabric and will go well with the color scheme.  My brother is stopping to get the storm door I took off on the front to use for the door to his mancave.  We share each other's stuff.  He bought a part of a cow from a friend and gave me a few steaks and some hamburger.

I will also stop at Home Depot and get the paint for my front door and a garden auger drill attachment to put the holes in the ground for my privacy screen supports.  I will then put the flooring down in the guest bedroom. Friday and Saturday I will work on 3 things...painting my porch floor, painting my front door and putting up the privacy screen.  I can multi-task.  I also need to do another quick vacuum.  I can do it!  Ha ha!

welllll....I best get off of here. The door is in, the guy got his check and I swept up his mess.  I have my wine glasses out, the wine opener ready....

Heat It Up

I'm melting, I'm melting!

I am in a battle with the Japanese Beetles over my gorgeous climbing rose bushes.  I have been spraying them with an essential oil spray.  It has not deterred all of them.  I really hate to break out the sevin dust.

I am not finishing any new outside projects because of the heat and the rebar is not going to work to hold my screen because it was too tall and thin. I could not get it deep enough into the ground.  So...I have to come up with something different.  It will have to wait until the heat wave ends.  

Oh...did not get that teaching job.  I feel like God is telling me to be still.  Things have settled down around my house.  I don't know how I will afford a car replacement but God will provide.

TJ got a job with McGraw-Hill in there online programs training department for schools.  It is a 4 month contract position for now but they said they could have some fulltime positions after. I am praying this works out for him!

I am working on my bedroom...paint, floors. It is going slowly cuz I was feeling pretty awful for a few days last week AND I am trying to enjoy some of my vacation time.  

Nothing else really going on.  

Projecting

I finished my walk way.  I am going to maybe reconfigure the fancy end pavers because I am not satisfied with them...maybe add another...and a few of the other pavers still need a little leveling.  It also needs more dirt between the pavers.  I was waiting for the rain storm that we had last night for everything to settle.

Today I start work on a couple of things at once.  I have to put plastic down on my garage floor so that I can spray paint the rebar that will support my privacy screen for my back deck and to seal my concrete bird bath.  I will also be filling in the nail holes and screw holes in my bedroom wall (almost 20), sand that down and paint over it.  Thankfully the paint for the walls was in the basement.  AND THEN, I will begin putting the flooring planks down.  That will begin on Monday and may take me a few days. 

I also have the front railing to paint.  Not sure I will do that today.  I may do that next week then my dad is going to help me put that on.  The only other things I want to accomplish is to put in the fan in my office area and the new vent/fan in the main bathroom.

Sounds like a lot but I can get it done in short order.  My son informed me that, at this point, he is planning on visiting July 11-14th and I have a friend planning on spending the night on July 15th.  So...I have my target date to have it all done...July 10th.  I work well with a target date.

My friend Debbie is doing some interior redecorating...painting, flooring...to her mom's house because she is going to purchase it and move in next month.  Her mom is elderly and having health issues. Debbie is a nurse.  Debbie's 4 siblings encouraged her to do it and that way she can sell it later, if she wants, and make some money from it.  They are married. She is divorced and this is what happens.  I may end up selling my house and moving in with which ever one of my parents is left after one of them dies...just so the one that is left does not have to go to a nursing home.  It will help me out also because by the time it is all said and done, I will end up with enough money to buy a house for myself outright...no mortgage.  By then, my older sister may be ready to sell her house and we can find something that is mutually acceptable to both of us.

No...I obviously am not planning on remarrying.  I don't care.

I bought some lavender plants.  They were in my garage for a week.  I finally put them in large planters on my deck and 2 days later they were dead.  Ugh.  I messaged the herb farm I bought them from and let them know what happened and asked if they had any more that I could buy and try again. They told me to dig them up, bring them in and they will replace them for free.  I was not looking for that but if that is what they want to do...then, why not? 

I had my second interview with the other online school.  It was tough.  I think it went well BUT I am not sure if they will offer me the job or if I want it. I can say that I would want more money but this is for an 11th grade position working with the algebra II teacher.  My algebra II skills are rusty but I have confidence I could get up to speed fairly quickly with that but then I am thinking about learning a new system and getting used to a new grade level and it makes me tired just thinking of it.  Usually I am all for a new challenge but I am losing my enthusiasm for it.  I just don't feel like they will be offering me this position at this time.  They will probably find someone else that is a better fit.  That is my gut feeling.  However, IF they do offer me that job, I will most likely take it.  Who knows?  I may really end up liking it.  I have 8 more years before I am thinking I am going to consider retiring.  Debbie says we won't be here anymore by then and she may be right.  I am not going to worry about it.

Well, things are not going to get done by themselves.  Off I go!

Walk Away

I am putting in a new walk way to my porch from the driveway.  I had it almost all dug up but had to quit because it got hot and the ground became hard as rock.  BUT it has rained for 2 days now....off and on...and the ground is ready to be dug up again and tomorrow is going to be cool. SO...I am going to finish it tomorrow. 

I went with my older sister to Ollie's yesterday and bought my flooring for my bedroom floor.  It is a flexible, self sticking vinyl plank.  I will be starting on it Friday, or Saturday.  I still have to finish filling in the screw holes in the walls and painting.  I will be glad to have it completed.  Getting the walkway done and the bedroom done will be two big things off my list of things to do.  The next thing is the railing up for my front steps.  I also need to repaint my porch which will be a one day job since I am going to put primer on it first, this time.  AND I need to put up my privacy screen by my back deck.   That should not take long.  Maybe a couple hours, max. 

Lynn, the newly widowed neighbor behind me, has made friends with Lucy, my dog.  She has a guy that mows and trims her lawn for $25 each time which is about once per week, or as needed.  He said he would mow my lawn for the same price, even though my yard is almost twice the size of hers.  I told him I if he can start that for me the beginning of August and until it no longer needs it in the fall, I would hire him.  It would be great to not have to worry about getting out and getting the lawn mowed while school is in session. 

I looked at another house.  It was 'yuck'.  My house is pretty nice! 

This Friday I have a second interview for a better paying online teaching job.  It is the job that I almost was hired for last year but they didn't have enough enrollment.  Now they do and I am going through the whole process again.  Last summer I had to drive to Columbus (3 hours away) for the 2nd F2F interview.   This year it is being done virtually using Google Hangouts.  I am cautiously optimistic.  Just because they wanted to hire me last year does not mean they want to hire me this year.   It would be great to know one way or the other before I have to sign my contract with my present employer.  I sure could use the extra money. 

I do not know what God has planned for me.  If it is not this job, I trust that He will provide something else. 

The gardens around my house have really blossomed this year.  So many pretty flowers!  And my tomato and pepper plants are growing really nice, too.  I am happy with the results of my labor last summer and this year, so far.  My mother says that I won't want to sell and move.  I do like my house...just not where it sits.  If God's plan is for me to move, I will.  So far, I have not found anything to give me a reason to move.

I have a friend from high school, who lives in Florida right now, coming to stay with me for a bit in mid-July so I have to work to have things completed by then.  It would be good to be done with making changes by then anyway so that I will have a little vacation left with no projects.  Just books to read.  And the ability to enjoy my deck. 

Lucy has had to make a visit to the vet.  She had a cyst on the back of one of her hind legs that burst.  I had a mess to clean up and get her to the vet.  The vet finished cleaning it out and shot her with anti-biotics and steroids.  If I had known about the reaction to the steroids I would not have allowed that shot.  She was miserable...drinking gallons of water, peeing profusely, eating constantly, and then..the worst part in my opinion...the night time heavy, labored breathing.  I had to google about the steroid shots given to dogs and the effects to find out that all of these things she was doing was side affects for the steroid shot. The vet assistant called me to find out how she was doing and I asked her how long this was supposed to go on.  She said it would last about 5 days.  I told her that the ONLY way I knew about these side affects was that I had to google it because no one had given me any indication of what to expect PLUS if I had been given that information ahead of time, I would have not allowed the steroid shot.  I actually said it very pleasantly and she apologized for their lack of follow through. 

I should say so.  Do.your.job.  That's all I ask.  Lucy did something outside today that cut it open again and I had to douse it with peroxide, clean it and cover it with anti-biotic cream to help it heal.  She was being her usually full of it self this morning.  Once she opened it up again, she has just been laying around today.  Not moving much.  I am sure it is sore again.  poor baby.

Dealing with the Dirt

Today will be spent digging in the dirt. SO MANY WEEDS!  And I have 4 plants and 7 bushes to put in.  It is good to get them in now as it is going to be raining for the next 5 days.  Next weekend will be paver walkway time and 'fix the new garden I started time.  During the week I will put plastic on the garage floor and do some spray painting...the bird bath, the rebar to support my privacy screen.  I also have the railing to paint but I can put that off for another week. 

This next week will be my last week of school.  Not my last week of work, just my last week of school.  The following week I will work on the student progress reports.  I can finish those in about 2 days.  I hate doing them.  I start with the longest ones first, then do the shortest ones then leave the medium length until last.  I have 3 or 4 students that have EVERYTHING on their IEPs.  I have 6 students that barely came to any Intervention classes this 2nd semester.  In hind sight, the padlet that I started as a resource for them to use...I listed the links to extra help lessons for their gen ed work, step sheets, study guides....that was supposed to be as much help to the parents as it was the students, and save me some time, it may have caused them to quit coming to Interventions.  They simply did not understand that the Intervention classes were not the same thing as the gen ed assignment help.  No matter the amount of emails that I sent to the students and parents.  So I had to go by work samples if they were doing better or not.    Next year...I am making my plans for next year....

The interview went as I feared....they don't have a SOLID job opening.  They have some tentative job openings but they are waiting on enrollment numbers.  If those numbers go up before the 1st of August and she wants to make me a job offer then it will be considered.  If I don't hear anything out of them then I know I am meant to stay at OHVA for whatever reason.  If the latter is the outcome, I am trusting that God has something in the works to help me with my income situation.  I will need more in order to afford a car replacement. 

I am also trusting His guidance on my housing situation.  This place is nice but the summer traffic gets on my nerves.  He knows me and will work it out as it should be.    I just have to relax and go with it. 

I have barely heard anything out of my son all week. This means that he and the wife are getting along okay and that he is also feeling a little guilty about complaining about her to me so much.  He did text me that he is getting a bonus from the job he is on right now and if he adds that to the money he has been saving, he will be 3/5 of the way to the down payment he is saving for a house.  All I said was, Just make sure your relationship is solid before you do that.  He replied, Definitely.  And that is all the unsolicited advice I am giving on that.  In order to lure him back home, his wife had told him that if he came back she would give him the credit and debit cards except the debit card for her personal bank account.  He felt that was a good start and, frankly, I was stunned that she would relinquish them.  That is why I said to him that if he was going back, he needed to leave that day.  I knew he would at some point and it was not only because I was concerned with him driving in the rain but I wanted my quiet routine back.  I didn't want to listen to the roller coaster that is his relationship.  I had lived through my own for 25 years and I just didn't want to deal.  He will have to decide if he wants the ride to stop so he can get off or just continue for many years to come.  I feel as much to blame that he is on this because he is just living the life he grew up with.  I have tried to convince him that there is a different kind of life out there but it is up to him to decide if he believes me or not.

I don't hear a lot out of Bethany.  She stays fairly quiet. She and Jordan support each other, as far as I know.  I don't like to poke at her too much because she feels attacked and gets defensive.  I could ask her the simplest question such as, "Are you and Jordan doing okay with your jobs and the stress?"  and she would get defensive as if I had said something negative.  Yet, I sometimes worry that if I DON'T ask questions and show an interest that she will feel as if she is abandoned by me. 

Well...time to get ready to go dig in the dirt.  I am looking forward to the end result.  However, if I am truly going to 'end' this today, it will be a very long day.

Digging Not to China

I loaded Lucy up and went to visit with my parents and my 2 nearby siblings. It has become a regular Sunday afternoon thing. We would all show up after mom and dad got home from church. Church is now closed, of course, but we still show up between 12 and 12:30 anyway.  I have discovered something...my parents are hard of hearing and become more easily confused the older they get but my brother just does not listen.  I have to repeat myself to him 3 times because he only 'hears' parts at a time.  He is too eager to give 'advice' so he doesn't listen to the whole thing.

I joined a local plant exchange group on FB.  I was looking for some rhubarb plants and the one that started the group messaged me and told me that after seeing my post, she posted looking for rhubarb, too and someone responded to her that she could come dig up as much rhubarb as she wanted so she would dig some up for me too and all I had to do was come to her house and get it.  So, I did and Saturday I was out digging up a new garden spot for plants that like the shade and moist soil (rhubarb being one of those plants).  I dug up some of my extra hosta, yellow lillies and yellow irises and planted them there too.  I even had some leftover rhubarb to give my sister.  The garden spot was started by a large rubbermade deck box that I had removed from my porch (not good sitting on a wooden floor) and sat it up next to my garage.  I asked my brother if he wanted it so my dad and I loaded it in the back of my SUV and my dad took it to him when he took my SUV home with him (dad was taking it to the mechanic early in the morning last Tuesday) to get my new front struts on...which I had also left in my brother's garage after he thought he was going to put them on for me but discovered he would be able to get to the left one.  I told him I would have Dean (my brother's friend that owns a car repair garage) do it but I asked him to store the struts in his garage until I needed them because they were too heavy for me to move around.

AT ANY RATE, the grass under where the deck box had been sitting was dead so it was easy to dig it up.  I also dug up  more.  I then took up the few large cement squares leading to my porch and laid them on the weeds and grass along the garage that I still want to get rid of to extend the garden.  I then started cutting and lifting sod because I am laying a double line of square cement pavers to create a walkway to my porch from the driveway.  I found a brick to measure the space between the pavers.  I got 4 down...36 more to go.  I did some weeding and cleaned out my storage building and I potted some more plants. 

I took a dog dish full of water out for Lucy. She laid in the grass and watched the  neighborhood OR followed me around the yard.  It was a very nice and productive day for us both.

Friday I took my touch screen laptops to my cousin Tommy.  Today, after I left mom and dad's, I went and picked up my newer touch screen.  He had to reload my OS but it is now working just great!  He said the charging port inside the other one is cracked and he will have to see if he can find another one for it.  I told him not to sweat that one.  However, I did drop off my dad's laptop with him.  Dad said he decided to take the Chromebook back after all. He said he realized he didn't need to spend that money for something he really didn't need.  But I could tell he was disappointed in his laptop.  I talked him in to letting me take it to Tommy and letting him work on it.  Tommy messaged me tonight and told me he had already cleared out a ton of junk that was on dad's computer and added some RAM so that it would load things a bit easier.  He is still working on getting it going faster so that dad can use it again.  Maybe dad will be happy with his computer again.  He spent too much money on it for it to be a paper weight. 

I got a bird bath.  It was so cheap I couldn't pass it up.  The problem is it is a heavy cement thing.  I am going to paint it first then I have a clear coat/sealer for cement spray to put on it after that paint dries THEN I will put it out front.  I have SO much to do this year.  I have to paint and secure the railing on my front steps, replace a ceramic light in my sunroom with a fan/light, replace a vent fan in the main bathroom, and put in the new flooring in my bedroom.  I also need to put a couple more coats of porch paint on my porch. 

Debbie said that if she buys her mom's house it needs some fixing up. She said she may call on me for help with that.  I told her I can paint, wire in new fixtures and outlets, even help with some drywall and replace a garbage disposal however, if it is major building or plumbing I am no help.  LOL  Oh...lawn mowing, she is on her own also.

Okay...24 more days of school.  2 IEPs to write this week.  It is good for me that it is raining all week so I won't feel tempted to go outside and dig. 

Stay at Home

  I am on spring break.  I am doing some spring cleaning in my house as well as using my time to make some life style changes.

   It is difficult...too difficult...to get the exercise back into my life.  It is sad that it is so difficult.  I have made too many excuses and let myself lag behind way too much. 
 
    My anxiety is ramped up...along with everyone else.  My son is ping ponging back and forth between anxiety and depression.  He is happy and nervous and upset.  He is happy because he is still starting his new job because is it IT for a medical facility.  He is starting it a few days later because they had to figure out how to train him with everyone now working from home. AND he will have to work from home also which gives HIM extra problems since they are living with her parents and there are 3 very loud dogs there.  He may have to work in the room where they keep their cats just to get some semblance of quiet.    He is nervous about a new job.  He is upset because of the circumstances around us.  Who isn't?

    My daughter was able to get into a doctor to get a new inhaler.  She has not had problems with asthma in over a year but she needs this...just in case.  I pray for her protection working in that pharmacy 5 days a week.  I pray for Jordan's safety working for FedEx.  I pray for the safety of so many.  Who would have suspected?

    I am trying my best to stay off of social media.  It just makes me more anxious also.  I am hoping that the way things are today for us all is as bad as it gets.  In reality I should not be seeing so many vehicles coming and going up and down the road outside the front of my house as I do.  It is a lot less than normal but it is still too many.  Last night it was a ghost town but every 10 minutes or so I still heard a vehicle pass by.

   I started taking allergy meds because my allergies seem to be worse than usual for this time of year.  I sleep better at night because of them.  So I am getting plenty of sleep. 

   At least the sun is out today and I can have the sunroom open...with a little chill chasing from the ventless gas stove.  Lucy is quite happy with that arrangement.

The Long Winter

It has been a long tense winter.  I am not the only one feeling it.

Our online school system has been having difficulties for about 3 weeks.  Teachers, parents and students have been frustrated.  There has been an uptick in IEPs.  The state tests are looming. 

We had our online middle school meeting Friday morning.  We had not had it for a couple of weeks.  They attendees were split into grade band/subject.  Us ISes just picked one and attended.  I started out with 7th grade math.  There was one snarky teacher.  I listened for a while and copied a link for a math lesson that the math teacher I work with was sharing.  Then I moved into the 7th grade Language Arts room.  That was NOT pleasant. They were all attacking each other.  Accusing each other of being lazy, not doing as much as each other, etc.  UGH!  I listened in utter disbelief for a while then I moved myself to the room for my teaching POD.  By then, the math teacher in my group was there.  I relayed to her how much of a cat fight was going on in the 7th grade language arts room. 

I am STILL in disbelief about it.  If feels like the Middle School is falling apart. 

On a personal note, I had 2 different Reviews this last week...one on my IEPs and data notes, the other on my online classes.  I did really well on both.  Yes, there is some room for improvement but not a major leap.  Just slight improvements.  That relieves me a bit.

TJ's contract job that was initially supposed to be 3 weeks, turned in to 6 weeks, which he was happy about.  Now Monday he is going to Ohio Means Jobs and get signed up for unemployment and funding for classes.  The next phase.

My mom's sister, my aunt, Joyce, succombed to bone cancer in the early morning hours yesterday.  It was just a little over 2 weeks from diagnosis to death.  She had been pumped full of morphine most of the time.  I know it must have been AWFUL for her daughter Linda.  She had it all on her shoulders.  2 of her older brothers had already died...one from strokes, another from pancreatic cancer.  The last of her brothers has diabetes and sight problems.  She is the only one that is still in decent health.  That family has been riddled with health problems. 

Bethany and Jordan seem to be doing well.  If there is anything negative, they don't share it with me.  I continue to look for some place else to move to that they can also live in with me.  God will guide my direction.  I did find flooring for my bedroom that will cost me just under $250 and I can put down myself. It is self adhesive wood grained vinyl planking.  I feel it is the best option.  Carpeting would cost AT LEAST $450 and any other floor covering I would need help to put down.  This vinyl planking is easier to clean, less slippery....I am going for this.  My mom and older sister have wrinkled their nose up at it.  I don't care.  It works for ME. 

I have to fill holes and paint the room too.  Spring break. 

Good Intentions/Bad Decisions

     I am a good person and fairly intelligent.  I am  a hard worker.  I have a kind heart.  But I also make bad decisions sometimes.  That means I am 'normal'. 

     I am still learning lessons.  I am learning how to step back from my ADULT offspring (there really needs to be a better word than 'children' once they pass a certain age) and let them drive their own wagon. 

     I have been wrangling with my son about his life and you know what?  He is going to do what he feels is best and he is going to try and do what he can for his life and I guess that just shows that I did raise him well.  He may not be making what I feel are the right decisions but it is his life and he needs to do what he needs to do for himself.  I raised him to be an adult and live his own life and that is what he is doing. 

    Living my own life is what I need to do also.  Debbie P and I have decided to kick each other's butts.  She said that she would come home from work and never leave her house until she had to go to work again.  We are trying to find a way to get together at least every 2 weeks.  I would do that with Susan but she has filled up her dance card with lots of things to do and places to go. Once her husband died, she got busy and found groups to join so that she would not be alone. I am starting out late and slow.  *sigh*

     God really is wonderful.  God landed us not too far from here, where I would meet up with one of my cousins again, and when Ex got hooked on his drugs and disappeared, my cousin brought us out to Eagleville Church where I made friends with Debbie B and Debbie P.  Here I am back so many years later, and we have kept in contact over the years...and they are there to pull me back in and give me support...and I can do that same for them.

     I still get to do things with Susan and I am hoping this year brings me a better paying job.  It would be great if Susan and I could do a quick vacay trip together.  Debbie and I can do one too but she is planning on taking some more classes and get her nursing Bachelor degree.  She may be a bit busy for that.

    When I said this was my year for ME, I was not kidding.

Support Garments

    I attended Celebrate Recovery.  The part I liked best was the message by Pastor Steve before we broke up into small groups. 

     I had had a discussion with my son earlier.  I felt badly and frustrated about it.  He began to complain to me about his dad's assessment of things and what he thinks our son should do.  Jr. got a surprise because I said, "I agree with your father.  You need to just walk away.  She is getting everything she wants and she does not care about you.  AND everything is falling apart there.  I really think God is stripping you down to the nubs because He is trying to get you to face reality and get out, start over...everything...your whole life."  I felt badly because I could hear the dejection in his voice.  I am frustrated because we have had this discussion over and over for the past 2 months.  I just want to show up with a moving truck, load him and his stuff up, hand her a 'good bye' letter and leave!  His dad even thinks he should come move back in with me until he can get his act together.  That says something right there!

     So, listening to Pastor Steve, I heard some things that sounded like what I had gone through but I kept thinking, "if only my son could be sitting here listening to this."

     Small group was sort of helpful.  It wasn't exactly what I expected.  It was more about what each has learned from their experiences and if they are moving forward.  Others gave some suggestions that may help.  It was not ex bashing or family bashing.  It was everyone realizing their part in how they got to where they were.  That was good to hear. 

     Starting back to  work has been a whirlwind...as usual.  I have my calendar of events filled up through the end of February, already.  I have started working ahead on some things so that it is more evenly spread out and I can have time for myself.

     My eating change is going well.  And I actually slept 8 hours straight last night.  That is a major thing right there!  I am still working on incorporating more movement in to my days.  Any extra is a plus for me. 

     I am trying to mentally prepare myself for having another person in the house.  I really do not see any other options for my son.  But it will be a lot to deal with.   He is a very deep feeling/emotional person and it will take a lot of me to support him.  However, I cannot let his situations derail me from taking care of me, either. 

    It is a real dance on the edge of that volcano.

Backing It Up and Taking Another Route

    I am not sure what it was that brought this all up in my head.  I was trying to get the coffee together this morning and get my shower before sitting down at my computer for my first day back to work.  I was filling in my calendar of things I have to do and I remembered the letter to the ex sitting on the bar in my kitchen.  I was thinking about when I could mail it. Then...something began to flutter in my head and...

     I am NOT mailing that letter!  I feel good that I wrote it and the kids read it and they are glad to see me putting it all behind me but...would he care?  Or, most importantly, would it matter?  He is a narcissist.  When the kids tell him what they think about something and it is to put him back in his place, he will always say that I turned them against him.  He will always think that I am heart broken about losing him and jealous of whomever he is with and that I am trying to break them up.  He thinks quite a lot of himself that way.  AND if I send him that letter, he may view it as an olive branch...that I want us to be 'friends' and it will give him the idea that the door is open and we are 'joined'. 

     Nope.  TJ agreed with me. Bethany said it could be true and it may not matter if I send it.  TJ said that if it made me feel good to write it, then just let that be it.  And I am.  Done.  No letter sent. 

    Susan told me to not just throw it away but burn it because it would feel better.  But, you know...I really do not have that knot of anger anymore.  I can throw it away and forget it.  Silence is the best option.  NOW I feel better. 

     I am trying not to feel too anxious.  My calendar for work is filling up fast and I had to plot out a plan and I will need to stick to it if things are all going to get done on time.  Progress reports, IEPs, class plans....at least the first week back is testing week so I have some extra time to work on some things.  By the end of the week they will be dumping newly enrolled students in our laps and my dance card is pretty full already. 

     I counted...52 SCHOOL days until Spring Break.  Then we have a week of school followed by 3 weeks of state testing.  After State Testing we have almost a month of what I like to refer to as 'no man's land'.  The teachers let up on the class time and lessons and I am working with kids to salvage their 2nd semester grade.  There's Middle school meetings and school outings.  It could be fun.

     I also will need to decide of I am putting my house up for sale and moving somewhere else.  I think I am going to apply to a brick and mortar school system up where Susan works.  I probably stand a rat's ass of a chance of getting hired only because brick and mortar school systems think that online teachers don't do anything except monitor whether or not students do their work. 

    To quote Ricky Gervais, "I don't care."

Lost Baggage

It is curious how God works on me.  He has revealed things to me in phases.  He knows me, of course, and that I am a cerebral type and have to 'understand' everything...that there has to be a reasoning to it.

As I sat and listened to my son tell me about his father's behavior and things that his dad had shared about his life, a light bulb came on and I realized that I had been waiting for something.  I had been waiting all of this time for vindication.  I had been waiting for him to admit to his wrong doings and give me a REAL apology...not just one that he shoots out there to pacify me.  AND I realized with a major clarity that it would never happen.  What was TJ telling me that finally made me realize that?
It was the summation of it all...that his father has NEVER changed and will never change and why is that?  Because he has never seen a problem with his behavior/thinking. 

Once I embraced my 'aha' moment, a change in MY thinking started to happen.  God was telling me, "You have to let it go.  What you feel that you need will never happen."  It isn't news.  However, I was flawed in what I had always believed about him.  He really is not the person I had assumed he was.  And it wasn't just him.  It was something else that TJ said....about my family and how it interacts with others.  I had just never really realized. 

My family will sit and have conversations and does not draw anyone else in by putting the spotlight on them such as asking them questions about their lives.  For instance, they won't even ask a new family addition or friend, "What do you do or what are you interested in" etc.  I have gotten better with trying to reach out to others.  It isn't that we aren't interested but somehow in  our family history, the unspoken belief is that if you ask people a lot of questions about themselves you are prying and being 'nosey' and it is rude.  We have always believed that if someone wanted to share something with you about themselves, they will do it of their own accord.  It never occurred to me that this is perhaps off putting to others.  It is what I am used to.  It hasn't been until lately that I have made an effort to reach out to the people I care about to follow up on events in their lives or just to find out how they are doing.  No one has ever shared with me before that there was a difference. 

TJ pointed this out because he has noticed only because his dad's side of the family and his in-laws interact with him in a much different way then my side of the family. 

So...taking in all that he was saying, letting it swirl around in my brain, I was able to formulate a conclusion that led me to this: the whole divorce was a blessing and he and I were  just so different and expected a certain type of life that was not going to be able to come together. 

I know that sounds like something that I should have not just realized and I sort of got it before but it was like someone taking a fuzzy picture and bringing it into a crystal clear focus.   What is really sad is that he and I wasted 25 years of our lives trying to make oil and water mix. 

Can he realize he did not treat me right if he did not see anything wrong with his actions because it is what he had expected for his life?  It is my perspective...that he did not treat me right.

Don't get me wrong.  A Narcissist is a  narcissist.  However, my holding on to some grudge or anger is never going to change anything and it will only make my life continue in misery.

He no longer has a moral compass and does not have someone to stop him from making miscalculated decisions.  Because of that, he seems to have gotten himself into a bad place.  He also is sitting in a precarious health state and refuses to acknowledge it.  He mistreats his new female friend and she will take it and apologize to him.  None of that is my concern.  I feel a bit sad about it that he never did learn anything but it is not my problem anymore. 

I do know this...after my revelation I WAS able to let it go.  I am not feeling that knot of anger in me.  I forgave him for being himself but I was still waiting.  I am no longer waiting for that apology or acknowledgment. 

I have a goal for my year.  My goal is to tune in to myself.  I am going to tackle the things that will make me better physically and emotionally and mentally.  Speaking of which...it is time for another quick bit of exercise. 

Here's to a positive 2020. 

Dancing Out in Front

     And so the list begins.  I have several little things I want to take care of  ahead of time instead of ignoring it and then wishing I had been more proactive.  I have it all broke down by day and doing a little of everything every day.  I did not too much yesterday because I did not sleep well the night before and was feeling blah...plus I got caught in the loop of binge watching something and I was determined to finish it so that it would not be luring me in and messing up my plans.

     I did not put reading on my list.  I figured it is a foregone conclusion that I could sit and do some reading when I needed a rest.  Of course, I will not allow myself to do too much of that because at some point I will sit and not get back up. 

    My exercise 'room' equipment is finally getting used each day.  I need to want to take better care of myself. 

     My kids are being very quiet with me today.   No texts, no calls...and I know why.  They are visiting with Flawless and Twit today.  Bethany and Jordan had dinner with them last night.  They are afraid of saying anything to me about their visits.  I don't want it to be ackward for them but at the same time, I don't need to hear it.  So, it will be quiet for a while and I get it.  I will keep myself busy today anyway.

   Well, time to get back to my list of things.  It is warm enough yesterday and today so that I could have the sunroom open with the gas stove on so that Lucy can be out there and watch out the windows.  It makes her happy. 

The Long Mediocre Summer

I am thinking I am going to put this house up for sale once I retire and go live in one of the local 55+ communities.  Most of them are double wide mobile home parks but the double wides are very nice.  I won't have to mow or shovel snow.  They check on the residence and provide transportation, if needed.  I am looking ahead.  My parents should have moved into something like that but my mother laments that they may have waited too long to sell their home.  They could move into a place like this but my mom, I think is worried about not having enough space to help her feel comfortable.  She doesn't realize that she needs to slow down.  I know them being so busy is what has probably kept them healthy but my father is slowing down considerably because of his blood clotting and high blood pressure issues and medication.  She has recently been showing signs of being over extended. 

My son lost his job.  iHeart media went to all of their radio stations across the country and let all of their street news reporters go...along with some inhouse news reporters.  Everything is being centralized.  He has been out of work for one week and is applying to everything that has a decent paying opening.  They gave him 2 months of severance pay and he has 2 months of unemployment after that.  I told him that I have been concerned about his job security for the last year.  I also told him not to just jump into the first thing that comes along because he could find himself stuck in a job that makes him miserable. 

I have advised him to look at this as an opportunity instead of a hinderance.  God sometimes has to give us a big boot in the butt to get us going in the right direction. 

Update on my old friend Benny:  He not only has throat cancer and is going for radiation treatments, he has a failing liver...cirrhosis.  They have to keep draining a lot of fluid.  He was released and is living with his widower father.  Heavy smoking, heavy drinking, lots of cheating on his wife.  It is all coming back on him in the worst way.  Even with all of that, he is a really nice guy...would give the shirt of his back to help others. 

Bethany and Jordan are planning on making a move up here by me next summer.  They may end up moving in with me.  He expressed to me that he does not know how they are going to coordinate 2 job transfers and securing a place to live all at once.  I told him that they may end up splitting up and moving in with me in order to secure job transfers for both of them. THEN they can look for a place of their own.  He conceded to maybe having to do that. 

In 7 more weeks, I hope to know whether or not I will be signing a contract with another online school.  It would be GREAT if I could.  I also know that I pray about it and if it would turn out not to be a good place for me to jump, then that door will not open for me. 

I am also considering a part-time summer job with Home Depot.  The plus side is I would get some instore employee discounts on things.  I am looking at redoing my kitchen...replacing my sliding glass doors, etc.  We will see...it would mean moving up my cataract surgery.  May 28th perhaps.

And is this going to be a quieter summer?  I may have my son and DIL moving in with me for a time.

Peopling

I have been trying to set dinner dates with friends so that I have to get out a socially interact.  I do not want to lose my people skills. 

There is nothing major going on in my life.  It is settling in and I am finding my new normal.  It has taken me a minute to realize that I am not waiting for my next move.  I am making changes to this place a little at a time.  Putting my mark on it.  I am getting ideas for what I want to do outside.  I want it to look really nice, pleasant, not over the top.  I have one more tree in the front that needs to be cut down.  But it is a size that my brother and father can tackle with chain saws.  It is a tree that could grow to be out of hand and I would rather take care of it now.  I will replace it with a decorative tree that does not get very tall.

My kitchen will be the last thing I tackle.  I have ideas but they will cost. 

The next big thing I have my sights on is changing schools.  There is another online school that one of my teaching buds from last year jumped into at the last minute and she is putting in some work to get me in there next year.  It pays more and is less work.  She says the environment is not quite as stressful as the school I am working for.

Bethany and Jordan are working on moving up near me in summer of 2020.  They had thought about doing it this summer but realized that they weren't quite ready yet.  They still need to save up money for a down payment on a house.  I think they finally got what I was trying to tell them that moving into a rental up here for a year was not going to help anything because rent up here is just as much as it is down there.  They have a decent apartment in a decent location right now that allows them 2 cats and a dragon. 

The DIL is now working and training as a vet assistant and she loves her job.  She really does love it.  She loves the animals and does not have a problem with going to work.  TJ has been sick for quite some time and finally went to the doctor.  He is on meds now and hopefully it will get better for him soon.

So, a dinner at home with a couple that I went to college with that lives in the area, and one dinner out to a new restaurant with my friend Susan...in February.  Lucy is not liking the snow anymore than I am but even less because she has to go potty outside.  I, on the other hand, do not have to leave the house.

This is my life now.  I am 58 years old and living on my own with a dog that is the best behaved dog in the world.  She is my buddy.  I work from home.  I cook what I want when I want...or just eat toast and peanut butter.  I do laundry about every 10-14 days.  I go grocery shopping twice a month.  I just don't have the daily human contact. That is both a good and bad thing.  I can have complete control over my finances.

God has my back.  I am not worrying about what's up ahead.   I know He is taking care of it. 

This blog has helped me to put things into writing that I needed to get out of my system and get through my marriage/divorce/aftermath. 

Melting Away

I have a fairly good bill of health.  The doctor said there is a TINY nodule on what's left of my thyroid.  It is a matter of waiting for it to get a point where I need to begin the fight with the doctor's to remove the thyroid in order to biopsy it.

My blood sugar level is good, my cholesterol level is good. The doctor said my diet it good...just don't do keto and stay away from red meat. He also told me that I was extremely low in D3.  He told me to take 5000 IUs each day, gel capsules.  So, I have been doing that and just recently added magnesium to that.  I had been taking potassium every morning for weeks and it seemed to help me feel somewhat better. 

I lost 3 pounds in 5 days.  I was not doing any major exercising. The only thing I have changed is no carbs after noon.  I have found if I want bread/grain carbs I can eat them but they have to be consumed before noon.  If I don't eat any of them after noon, I will lose weight. Curious...I made this discovery by accident.

An old boyfriend found me.  No..there is no relationship...beyond a friendship and I have made it perfectly clear that there is NOT going to be a relationship.  I told him that I am not interested in a relationship right now and when I am, it will not be him.  He is an ex boyfriend for a reason and we have baggage in a past relationship and I am not messing with that. Besides, I find many things about him annoying.  IF I decide I want to have someone in my life, I am not settling.  I would rather go it alone.  If he tries to push an agenda, he will be cut off.  I have not patience for putting up with someone trying to manipulate me and I have gotten good at recognizing passive-aggressive.

My daughter's bf bought me some CO2 detectors and smoke detectors for my house.  I plugged a few of the CO2 detectors in. This morning the one in the hallway started chirping at me.  I got upset.  I found it weird that the one in the kitchen did not go off and the one in the sunroom with the fireplace burning did not go off. So I moved the chirping CO2 detector to the livingroom. Same thing. Then I moved it to the closed off extra bedroom. Same thing.  So moved one of the other CO2 detector to the livingroom and nothing.  I unplugged it and noticed a compartment on the back.  I opened it and there as a 9 volt battery in there.  Apparently, the battery was low in the chirper.  So, it scared me for nothing.  ugh  Life is annoying enough.

Having the trees cut down drained my finances and now I am catching up with some things.  It is not an easy thing with the Christmas season upon me.  I am definitely going to need to pick up part-time work and pray that Ohio Connections Academy hires me for next year.   However, for now, I just need to concentrate on getting through this school year.

Beach Hazard Alert

The packing of the truck was a 24 hour adventure.  Then the drive up to the house...I got started late, my parents met me about an hour north of the house I left.  My dad took over driving the truck and I fell asleep. As we got close, we pulled over, I got in with my mom and she drove me straight to the bank to sign the paperwork, and it was taken straight to the title company who, in turn, walked it into the courthouse and filed it.  In the meantime, my dad had taken the truck to my new home, mom and I drove there and met my dad and the realtor, who handed me the keys and a welcome mat for my house. 

The next morning, my brother, his wife, my older sister, her husband and my dad all drove to my new house and unloaded the truck.  My mom and I got her just as they were finishing (less than 2 hours later).  Considering the lack of sleep I had for the week and certainly the 24 hours before, I was eternally grateful that they unpacked the truck.  I looked through the house and had a few heavier things moved to the correct rooms then I went back to my parents'.  I came back the next day and started unpacking.

Long story short, over the next 4 weeks boxes were unpacked, walls were painted, the place was cleaned out, I had a new furnace installed and an AC unit hooked up.  By then I had a week of vacay left before I had to start my job.  My daughter came to spend a long weekend and there was a wonderful festival on Bridge Street (in the harbor district, where I live) and a Lighted Boat parade. We also attended a family reunion for my mom's side of the family.  I loved having her here.

kitchen...took down some cupboards

Lucy lounging on the deck

Office view

diningroom repainted

Livingroom redone

family reunion

beach near me

Lighted boat parade under the lift bridge

She left, I had a few days to myself then I had to pack and go off to 2 days of  Professional Development meetings.  The new school year is underway and so far it is not bad. I lost 2 of my closest peers. They both had enough after last year's chaos.  One is got job in another online school that pays more with better benefits (and she insists that she and another ex-coworker are going to get me in there with them next year) and the other one took a job in a brick and mortar school. 

My son and daughter in law came to visit for 5 days. They take a week's vacation every year on their anniversary.  There was the WWII reinactment that took place at the park/beach that we attended and I found quite a few old friends and classmates there.  They were able to visit with family on my side and his dad's side, had beach time and hang out on Bridge Street. They both want to leave southern Cincy and move up here.  So he is now looking hard for work closer to here.  I pray it works out for them. Brit (his wife) was actually happy and pleasant!  She was not a slob, and we had some really good conversations.  It was a good visit!

Scottish troops

WWII reinactment

My neighbors are all friendly and I love looking out my front window at the lake.

I still have some painting to do and a things that need fixed and replaced but it will all come in time. But, I am comfortable here and it is familiar territory. 

Since I moved in they have repaved the road and are now replacing gas lines.  yay.  Oh well...time for sleep. 

Puzzle Pieces

I did not get the house I was talking about in the previous post.  I went to look at it myself and decided against it.   I looked at quite a few within a few days and then this one popped up .  It has 2 large bedrooms, 2.5 baths, the master bedroom has a large walk-in closet and the other bedroom has double closet with overhead storage. There is a full, large basement with a laundry room and I do not know what to do with all of that space but I will figure it out.   Besides the large deck beside the garage/behind the kitchen, there is a porch off the other side of the house.  The sunroom (in between the garage and house) opens on to each deck.  It has a little gas fireplace of its own.  The house is across the street from the lake and a short drive to the fancy harbor district with shops and restaurants and coffee houses PLUS there is a beach with gazebos and a bandstand that has live bands on the weekends.  The pictures here make the house look plain but it was before the trees and plants started to leaf out and bloom.  It actually looks quite nice.

The couple took my offer and when the appraisal came back the house is worth more than I am paying for it.  I had just given up on the idea of finding a decent house that I could afford.  But this was owned by an older couple that moved to Florida and just wanted to get rid of it quick.  I will need to replace the furnace and put in an AC unit but my dad and a friend of his from church can put it all in for cost. 

We had the closing on this house yesterday.  The closing on the house I am buying is this next Friday.  My truck is getting loaded Thursday morning/afternoon and then I am headed out for up there.  I have to be there in person Friday morning to sign the papers. The utilities are all going into my name up there on Friday.  The old couple told their realtor that as soon as I sign the papers he can give me the keys so that I can go in and clean and unload.

AND my last 3 classes start on July 2.  yay.  At least it will be the last 3 I have to take for at least 2-3 years.

And even though I was the one that went through all of this, the fixing, painting, sale and repairs that the buyer asked for...and the buyer was paying way over asking price...Douche still complained that he had to pony up any money to fix ANYTHING.  complain...complain...NEVER satisfied or happy.  I sat one day and thanked GOD that I did not have to go through this listening to him everyday.

I also sat one day, after having a conversation with him, and was feeling the knot of anger and bitterness within me and I did a lot of praying, asking God to finally take that away from me ...because I did not want to be that person...that bitter, angry person.  And the next day I woke up and realized that I was collateral damage.  He is a hot mess with no conception of what he wants and is never happy.  He does not know how to love anyone, let alone himself.  My anger was at that point removed..and it is replaced by sympathy...I feel sorry for him.  I am also grateful that I am not that way. 

I also am getting myself ready to deal with my older sister.  She is the most negative, angry person ever.  She can find the smallest little thing to turn into a major negative issue.  She tells everyone what is wrong...what they should do...and how to live their lives.  Yet she is unhappy with hers.  I have no problem with pulling her up short every once in a while.  I just told her last night, 'You are the most negative person!  You seem to think you know what is wrong and what will bother me yet you don't know me at all!"  And she retorted with, "why WOULD I know you?  You've been gone for YEARS!"  I thought, 'here we go.  I always had to babysit her and be her entertainment.'  She has no friends because she is so negative and bossy.  This will be a real test of my patience.  ha ha!

At least I will be closer to my friends.  I have a line of them waiting for me to get settled so that they can come visit.  I am hoping to put a book club together.  It would be fun.

We will see what comes about.  I will just be relieved.