Swing Like a Chandelier

   I had my first shocker.  The 'kids' had a day with dad and his female roommate.  They went bowling and out to dinner.  I am happy they had a good time with him for once.  But then it happened...SHE had a picture taken of all of them together with something about spending time with family.  I didn't mind what she put but it was a bit of a shock to see a picture of my family with  her standing where I always stood in the pictures.

   She messaged me with how she know it is hard to see someone else with the man I had been married to for 25 years and that they loved each other.  She also said she would never try to take my place with my kids.

   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I messaged her back and told her I had no problem with him having someone else in his life because him divorcing me was a blessing.  He put me through enough.  And I certainly wasn't worried about her taking my place with my kids because I am their mom and they love me.  I dislike HIM for the way he treated me in the end.  I told her it would be nice if he had grown up and knew how to be in love and good luck with that.  She had to message back that they had been open and honest with each other and he had shown her all emails and text messages.  I just said 'sure'.

    I.do.not.care.  BLOCK.  I have to get used to the pictures now too.

    I was stupid and called my older sister to say something about the picture and what a sort of shock it was.  Her reply was, "that's what happens with divorce.  Oh well."

   A "I'm sorry, I know that must have been difficult."  would have been nice.  Again, I am insane to think that I would get even a bit of fake empathy from any of my family.   I know it has been 5 years but I am not sure it ever really gets easier.  I can sort of understand why people get addicted to drugs.  They take them to numb the pain.  I am sick of it coming back and hitting me in the middle of the chest.  I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if he hadn't moved to Kansas...if I had had to put up with his presence all of the time.

   I have wondered if it would make things easier to have someone else in my life.  Someone that really cared about me.  I have hid and put off trying to mix and mingle until I felt sure my damage was behind me but now I am feeling that if I wait for that I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.  I really feel like the damage will never be behind me.

   I love my kids but I almost feel like I wish that I had stuck to my original plan and never gotten married.  But you can't go through life and totally avoid the bad feelings.  It would mean you would never care about anyone or anything.  Ever.

    I can feel my insides curling up and turning sour.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Gather up the sunshine and push it to the top.  Sometimes it seems like such a struggle.