Shut the Door...Do You Live in a Barn?

So, I needed a new front door.  I NEEDED it...didn't just WANT one...NEEDED it.  So, my dad went with me to get it.  He and I brought it home, put it in my garage.  He looked over the door opening and I could see the look on his face...he was dreading the job.  After all, he is 86 years old and he is worn out.  I tried to find someone to do that job and do it in a way I could afford.  However, I did not have luck making contact with the names of guys I was given that COULD do it.  Until I found this group in the area that helps fix up neglected properties.  I asked the guy in charge of that if he could share a name of someone with me that I could contact to install a door for me.  This guy says his group can do it for cheaper as long as they can put before and after pictures on the website.  He sent a guy over who looked it over and gave me a price.  I had no other options.

He came, did the job.  Left.  BUT, I did not check before he left.  There are things not completed.  I have had a back and forth with his 'boss' about it. This guy wanted me to pay more to complete things.  I told him to not come back because I would take care of it.  THEN the guy texts me this morning and tells me he lost the check I gave him and could I give him another?  If I STOP the check, I can write him another less the price of the STOP fee.  Another lesson for me: he wanted me to leave the 'payee' line blank so that he could fill it in with his daughter's name so that she could deposit it.

I texted him back and raked him up one side and down the other.  I told him that I would put a STOP on it but it is Sunday and there is no guarantee that will not be cashed before the STOP goes into effect.  He will have to wait a few days for me to make sure that it did not get cashed AND if it turns out that it has been cashed, he will not be getting another check.  I have not heard anything from him.  Think he was trying to get 2 payments out of me?  (oh, he JUST texted me and told me he found it in the wash...could he stop by and get a new check?  I told him if he brings me the ruined check I will write him another one but not unless he gave me the proof...no offense. *eye roll* He told me he can do that but it looks like lint.  I told him that if HE could tell it was my check, then I should be able to, also.  piece.of.work)

This is what happens when you let strangers into your life for ANY reason.

On the other hand, the guy that mows my lawn is the opposite.  He mows my lawn for the same amount that he charges the woman behind me...and my lawn is twice what hers is.  He does all the trim and he does a GREAT job!  He is a breath of fresh air.  A man of integrity.  SO appreciated! ALMOST gives me faith in humanity.  Almost.

I actually gave a bit of thought to checking out the Elks Club and maybe joining.  But...I am rethinking that.  Those types of clubs have a lot of drinking involved and I don't want to be getting into all of that sort of crowd.  I am not saying they are bad people and I am better.  It is just that I am trying to live my life in a more spiritual, deliberate manner and entwining myself with groups that do a lot of drinking and do not have a spiritual leaning is not the right thing for me.

I can sit and look back on my life and how I had lived it and the things that I did wrong.  I cannot be angry about things that have happened that have changed my life in a way that I had not wanted because if you commit sin, and ask forgiveness, God will forgive you but that does not mean that there are not worldly consequences.

I know...it is easy to look at others and all of the crooked, sinful things they are doing and seem to have it easy and have lots of things and money BUT...the deal there is...they are not asking for forgiveness and have no plan to quit doing what they are doing. Therefore, they may NOT have any worldly consequences but there are consequences once they pass from this world and those consequences are forever and beyond.

I know God has forgiven me for my sins...I asked Him to...but the problem is I have not quite forgiven myself.  I do realize though that I see things in a different way and those sins of the past are that...past.  It is not something I feel I would be tempted to repeat. I can, however, give some advice on the matter to my children and hope that they will listen and learn from MY mistakes.

I have noticed something about me...after all of the things...life with the ex, the divorce, lost friendships...it has made me much more serious.  My sense of humor is less and less. 

Support Garments

    I attended Celebrate Recovery.  The part I liked best was the message by Pastor Steve before we broke up into small groups. 

     I had had a discussion with my son earlier.  I felt badly and frustrated about it.  He began to complain to me about his dad's assessment of things and what he thinks our son should do.  Jr. got a surprise because I said, "I agree with your father.  You need to just walk away.  She is getting everything she wants and she does not care about you.  AND everything is falling apart there.  I really think God is stripping you down to the nubs because He is trying to get you to face reality and get out, start over...everything...your whole life."  I felt badly because I could hear the dejection in his voice.  I am frustrated because we have had this discussion over and over for the past 2 months.  I just want to show up with a moving truck, load him and his stuff up, hand her a 'good bye' letter and leave!  His dad even thinks he should come move back in with me until he can get his act together.  That says something right there!

     So, listening to Pastor Steve, I heard some things that sounded like what I had gone through but I kept thinking, "if only my son could be sitting here listening to this."

     Small group was sort of helpful.  It wasn't exactly what I expected.  It was more about what each has learned from their experiences and if they are moving forward.  Others gave some suggestions that may help.  It was not ex bashing or family bashing.  It was everyone realizing their part in how they got to where they were.  That was good to hear. 

     Starting back to  work has been a whirlwind...as usual.  I have my calendar of events filled up through the end of February, already.  I have started working ahead on some things so that it is more evenly spread out and I can have time for myself.

     My eating change is going well.  And I actually slept 8 hours straight last night.  That is a major thing right there!  I am still working on incorporating more movement in to my days.  Any extra is a plus for me. 

     I am trying to mentally prepare myself for having another person in the house.  I really do not see any other options for my son.  But it will be a lot to deal with.   He is a very deep feeling/emotional person and it will take a lot of me to support him.  However, I cannot let his situations derail me from taking care of me, either. 

    It is a real dance on the edge of that volcano.

Swing Like a Chandelier

   I had my first shocker.  The 'kids' had a day with dad and his female roommate.  They went bowling and out to dinner.  I am happy they had a good time with him for once.  But then it happened...SHE had a picture taken of all of them together with something about spending time with family.  I didn't mind what she put but it was a bit of a shock to see a picture of my family with  her standing where I always stood in the pictures.

   She messaged me with how she know it is hard to see someone else with the man I had been married to for 25 years and that they loved each other.  She also said she would never try to take my place with my kids.

   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I messaged her back and told her I had no problem with him having someone else in his life because him divorcing me was a blessing.  He put me through enough.  And I certainly wasn't worried about her taking my place with my kids because I am their mom and they love me.  I dislike HIM for the way he treated me in the end.  I told her it would be nice if he had grown up and knew how to be in love and good luck with that.  She had to message back that they had been open and honest with each other and he had shown her all emails and text messages.  I just said 'sure'.

    I.do.not.care.  BLOCK.  I have to get used to the pictures now too.

    I was stupid and called my older sister to say something about the picture and what a sort of shock it was.  Her reply was, "that's what happens with divorce.  Oh well."

   A "I'm sorry, I know that must have been difficult."  would have been nice.  Again, I am insane to think that I would get even a bit of fake empathy from any of my family.   I know it has been 5 years but I am not sure it ever really gets easier.  I can sort of understand why people get addicted to drugs.  They take them to numb the pain.  I am sick of it coming back and hitting me in the middle of the chest.  I can't even imagine how much harder it would have been if he hadn't moved to Kansas...if I had had to put up with his presence all of the time.

   I have wondered if it would make things easier to have someone else in my life.  Someone that really cared about me.  I have hid and put off trying to mix and mingle until I felt sure my damage was behind me but now I am feeling that if I wait for that I will definitely be alone for the rest of my life.  I really feel like the damage will never be behind me.

   I love my kids but I almost feel like I wish that I had stuck to my original plan and never gotten married.  But you can't go through life and totally avoid the bad feelings.  It would mean you would never care about anyone or anything.  Ever.

    I can feel my insides curling up and turning sour.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Gather up the sunshine and push it to the top.  Sometimes it seems like such a struggle.

Running on Empty

I sometimes feel like my body is going to shut down.  I have to talk to myself...urge myself to just hang in there a bit longer....pray for strength. 

So many things going on around me...trying to quickly get things fixed up in the house for a showing...put it up for sale.  Trying to sort, rid out...while traveling for testing...hold extra help session classes for my kids...getting a refi going on the mortgage...quit claim deed....

I came across something surprising.  It says in the divorce agreement that if I sell the house before I get the mortgage refinanced under just my name, then he gets 40% of the profits from the sale of the house.  But if I refi, he gets nothing.  I also have to get the quit claim deed done...that the lawyer missed doing during the divorce.  Now ASS II is trying to lay some guilt on me because he wants money. 

I have to gather things together to complete the refi.  I have to gather things together to get my new Intervention Specialist teaching license...and that is $200.

I stripped the diningroom floor and refinished it.  It is still not great...I need to redo the middle of it. 

There is a list of small things here and there that need to be done also. 

Had a showing of the house (off the record) and they hit me with an offer that was insulting.  It was for less than what ASS II and I paid for the house when WE bought it.

This weekend is the community garage sale.  I have to get ready for that because I need to clear more stuff out of the house. 

It is the end of the school year.  There is a lot to do.  My head is spinning.

And there are not really many houses up in NE Ohio that are in my price range of what I can afford on my salary.  ASS II makes 2.5 times what I make and he is trying to guilt me into giving HIM money.  He has shown me way too many times that he couldn't care less about me and what happens to me.  I have to take care of me.  And I will.  I am following the Divorce Agreement that he read ahead of time, just like I did...and he agreed to it.  I need all the money I can get for a down payment,.  He said he wants to be able to buy a house too but he has no money saved for a down payment.  And why not???  He has a 'roommate'  with a job who should be paying half of the rent, etc.  Not my fault he had to have a big fancy truck or jet skis...and likes to spend money like water to impress his friends.  I cut off my satellite service so save a few bucks...switched cell phone services to save a few bucks...you name it.

I was the one that has done the work on this house: painting...backsplash...stripping...staining...electrical work...rescreening...my money...my time...my blood and sweat...I paid for the gutter covers (that was not cheap!).  So much I have done.

I even have to fix some of the stuff he did. 

He did not mind divorcing me and cutting me loose after I lost my job...and wanted me to sell the house...and the kids were still living here and I had the 3 dogs.  Nope....no money. 

For all of the things he has put me through over the years...drug addiction...bankruptcy...identity theft...choosing to spend his free time with his friends instead of at home with his family....he can kiss my ass.

I am worn out and just want some peace.  And I am tired of being lonely.  So tired of it.  Married to him for 25 years before this and I was lonely then.  I never got married to be alone.  I did everything for him and made his life just too easy and then he treats me like that.  I was an idiot.  But I will not be an idiot this time around. 

I Feel How I Feel

I have been there for my kids.  Always.  Put my feelings and personal comfort aside for them. 

I am having a melt down.  and it has to do with my ex.  And it isn't because he is dating.  It is NOT the dating.  It is the stuff that came out of it.  The last thing I told him is I really do hope, for his sake, that it works out well however, if, heaven forbid, it comes to an end, do NOT call me anymore because I am sick and tired of him calling me when HE needed someone but he won't tell me he is dating someone now?  If he can't tell me that but will only call ME when HE needs someone then he can go f*** himself because it shows that he is not talking to me cuz he does consider me a friend...he is talking to me because HE is lonely but I really mean nothing to him.  Nothing.  No respect for me.  He got mad but...I really don't give a crap.  This is MY life and he no reason to be in it.  It has always baffled me how he could decide he doesn't want me in his life...so he divorces me...YET he will call me and text me and email me to tell me about his life cuz..."I still love you  and want us to be friends."  What a maroon.    It is NOT the dating...it his total lack of respect.  He will never get it. 

And my kids lied to me about it.  They said, "he told us not to tell you."  And they didn't tell me BUT when I asked them point blank if he was dating...because he was silent and I was pretty sure that meant he is dating...they lied.  for him.  I told them that lying is lying and seriously, considering everything...how he treated them...and how I was always there for them...always...still am...lying should have never happened no matter what.  And THAT is why I hurt.

But no one understands why I am so upset.  And I am not going to try and explain it anymore to anyone because it is based on how I am perceived and treated by all.

And you know what....

I am so damned tired of everyone telling me how I SHOULD feel or why I SHOULDN'T feel what I am feeling.  THESE ARE MY FEELINGS FOR MY OWN REASONS!   WHEN DO I GET TO BE SELF CENTERED???  WHEN DO I GET TO JUST ACKNOWLEDGE MY OWN FEELINGS?

Now.  I am doing that now.  I am just tired of worrying about my son and his weekly arguments with his wife and divorce talks.  I am tired of worrying about my daughter and her anxiety and confusion about what she is going to do and where she is going to do it.  I have a job I have to do and set my emotions aside for that. I am going to allow myself to feel disrespected and hurt.  Cuz...it is MY life, MY feelings and I am going to acknowledge myself.  Obviously no one else is.

Patient Healing

I am the patient.  I am healing.  But to heal, I must be patient.  Now I know why the person that is healing is called a patient.  However, that is a presumptuous label.  I have forced myself to be patient.

I worked my arse off trying to get some things taken care of that I knew I would be unable to do anything about for a while.  I got the worst of the grass out of the rose garden so it would save it for a few weeks (I still have to go out there and really dig and clear more grass roots).  I had work things to take care of.  I turned my 8 page paper for my class into a 12 page paper but it was not my best work.  I needed those other 4 days to work on it and make it flow better and be more cohesive.  But, in the end, it did not get such a bad grade.

So, with the joined efforts (and vehicles) of Jordan, Bethany and I, we got her moved on the Sunday after her dad left (6/4).  The vanity was done (but not the chair).  I still have to paint, and recover the seat, of the vanity chair.  This will be done this week.  I did not have time to do the kitchen island.  I always have such ambitious plans for myself and I could probably do it all if I didn't have to sleep.  I will, hopefully, get to it at the end of this week, as well.

At the school employee conference, the head of the Family Academic Services department (under which my job falls) introduced me to the head of the Special Education department with the idea that she would talk to me about possibly working in her department starting this year.  Apparently I can get a temporary certification for Intervention Specialist while I finish my classes.  It would be like an internship because they would connect me with a training mentor and I would be closely guided through the job.  Supposedly.  I have heard from other IS personnel that were hired for the IS position that they felt as if they were thrown into the deep end of the pool and left to flail their way into learning how to swim on their own.  HOWEVER, I have the added bonus as having made some connections/relationships with some of the other IS personnel and I am in no way afraid to ask questions nor ask for help.  I have something to pray about and ponder.  On one hand, I know it would most likely be a great idea to get some experience and training this next year before I have to take my certification tests because it will help me pass those tests.  On the other hand, I do not want o necessarily go through a year of stress and upheaval again and would like to keep the job I have for one more year and have some room to relax somewhat. The job I have is pretty flexible  if I need to do something and  we have been given some training on how to arrange things in such a way as to make things easier.  I would like to use that training, however, there are pros and cons to both jobs and decisions.

My eye surgery went well.  I am pleased. The doctor said that once he removed the scar tissue, my retina smoothed back out and fell back into place and it did not look damaged like he expected.  I attribute this to lots of prayers from family and friends.  He inserted a small gas bubble just to make sure it did stay in place on that first day especially.  I had to lay face down for the first 8 hours then I could sleep on my side.  I was to do NOTHING...no housework, no reading, no computer...I could only watch TV.  Yippee.  I spent a lot of hours watching TEDtv and documentaries.  I was told that other people having this surgery have had to lay face down for DAYS.  yuck.  I was told during my first check up after 5 days that my eye is healing better and faster than expected.  The gas bubble still remains in the bottom of my eye...a small bit of bubble that is annoying.  I keep thinking I got something on the bottom of my eye glass lens.

I have spent my time also avoiding Scott.  It turns out that he says his job keeps him busy June-October and he is away most of that time.  This is not an ideal situation for me.  If I am going to invest in someone then they are going to be HERE.  I have had enough of separation relationships.  If I get into another relationship he is going to be HERE.  He does not have to be joined at my hip because that is not healthy either.  But I do not want to have to figure out how to take care of everything myself, again.  I want support and help.  I want to feel wanted.  I know I am going to have to 'adult' and let him know how I feel about this whole thing.  It is not nice to 'ghost' someone...as my daughter says it is called.  I will not just fade away.  Ppl need closure.

I have a lot of things to do in the next 5 weeks.  However, this week should be great weather wise so I should be able to get a lot of things marked off my bucket list.  I just hold my breath and hope that weather for the NEXT few weeks is just as good.  It will be what it will be.  But time to make a schedule and plan and stick to it.

I am finding some nice points to being here alone.  I do not have a trail of mess to clean up after someone else.  I can open the windows on these summer days and turn on ceiling fans and live with the summer warmth without anyone complaining.  AC is great if the day is hot AND humid or the outside temp gets about mid 80's.  My family lived for AC.  They ALL complained if I opened the windows and shut off the AC.  I do that in my car also...open the sunroof, the windows and let the natural air blow through.

I can also keep my fridge and cupboards snack and forbidden food free.  My cupboards look fairly empty and my fridge does too because I do not have left overs.  I cook what I need for one meal and that is it.  I have no chips or 'good for you' protein bars, no sugary things.  I have sugar free/low carb bread, peanut butter that has no salt, extremely small amt of sugar and carbs, salad, veggies, sugar free/no carb salad dressing, and meat that has to be cooked...not already cooked/sauced and full of preservatives.

I will use my grill for the first time tomorrow.  It is a massive thing that I do not need at this time.  However, perhaps once I move.  Yes, I am more sure than ever that I do want to move back up to NE Ohio next summer.  I will be more settled and comfortable.  HOWEVER, I am wondering what my daughter's living arrangement will be at that time.  She and Jordan have only been living together for 3 weeks and she is finding out his personality bears quite a few similarities to her father's.  He is insistent that his 'ideas' are the right ones, he lectures her on her diet (to the point that she is 'hiding' a pint of almond milk ice cream in my freezer) and will turn the stove down when she is cooking because he tells her it is too high of a temperature.  All of this is aggravating her.  I told her that they have a year to work on their issues and if things do not show signs of changing or do not get better in any way, if he is entrenched in this personality type, she needs to walk or she will be signing up for the same relationship I had for years. She says she is more than aware and will be willing to walk away in order to avoid my mistakes.  I grimace because I remember how upset she got when I was wigging out about how Jordan had gotten into my linen closet and straightened the towels, etc up in such an intricate state of folding and lining up and exact spacing that it was like Sleeping With the Enemy because I thought their dad had been here.  Jordan had even gone one step farther and organized my kitchen shelves.  She said it was no big deal.  I told her it was because 1) he didn't even know me, 2) her dad did that when he was upset with me, 3) his birthday is exactly one week after her dad's.  NOW she is beginning to see why I was so wigged out.  I hope he has an ability to change however, I am afraid he has too many mental issues because of his childhood.  His mom left him and his dad because she is bi-polar and is not good at taking meds.  She moved on to another guy, they had a child and she left him. She is now with another guy and they have a child (who has autism) and is on and off with her meds still.  Jordan's dad is not a positive emotional person.  He did a lot of things Bethany's dad did....criticize, ignore, long lectures, and, to feel like he was doing something for his son he would throw some money at him once in a while.  He basically gave Jordan the message that he never did anything right and he was a constant screw up.  And it HAS affected Jordan's mental and emotional state.  Just like Troy.  TJ may have fallen to the same mental and emotional fate as his dad but he had a mom that was there for him and encouraging and loving.  Bethany, however, has the problem I had after years with her dad...she becomes quickly defensive whenever anyone says anything that she perceives as critical and negative...even if it is just an observation or suggestion.  She has THAT to get over.

I do not want my daughter's heart broken but I would rather it happen at 22 than years later, if it has to happen.  She has more time to recover and find a better partner.  However, we will see how it plays out.

Patient healing.  Emphasis on PATIENT.

Appetizers and Drinks

I finally got out of the house last night.  Jean contacted me and said we needed a night out.  So we met up at Applebee's and had appetizers and drinks.  Neither one of us were in the mood for a real dinner.  Then we ordered the Blonde but ate only half of it.  Should have not ordered that.

Through education we have both been able to get through a lot of our hurt suffered at the hands of the ones we had married.  Nothing is personal with a Narcissist because they have no feelings...nothing deep and meaningful.  Because of that they cannot have real relationships and that is why nothing they do is personal.

We both discussed, though, that we still had a knot of bitterness that we needed to work through.

I could not sleep well.  I fell asleep about midnight and was awake at 4 with heartburn...thanks to the Blonde.  Too much sugar gives me heartburn.

But since I was awake, I did some contemplating and talking to God.  I do not want to be a bitter person.  It gets in the way of being a real Christian.  It gets in the way of me healing and being the best me I can be.

Then it occurred to me...nothing is personal.  Jean and I both struggled with the fact that we had done everything right yet we got dumped on.

So, let's go back to those bracelets that everyone wore not too long ago...WWJD.  I am not comparing myself to Jesus but you do have to compare your life to what Jesus would do.  Jesus did everything right.  And he was persecuted and killed.

So THEN it occurred to me:  I DID do everything right.  God guided me and was with me.  I was just aligned with a personality disordered person that there didn't seem to be any fix for.  I am not saying that God can't 'fix' him, but it will be a minor miracle.  However, I should not walk away bitter.  I did everything right.  I am not the mentally messed up one.  I was just living with a mental patient and I got the blow back.  God has helped me through it.  He is helping me everyday.

Therefore, I should not be bitter.  I can lament that I did not have a happy marriage and I ended up in a divorce but...I can also look forward to a better future.

I do not know what is down the road but I know it will be something good.

I have decided that I really need to step up efforts to do something about my body weight.  It makes me unhappy.  So I really need to concentrate on that now that my mental and emotional self is doing better.

****************
As far as family, Bethany is still doing her thing at college.  She is trying to figure out which direction she wants to take as she will eventually go on to get her Bachelor's Degree.  She is thinking about research.  I hope she figures it out.  I told her to pray on it and she will receive direction.

Brit started a new job as a Pre-K teacher's assistant and she said she really liked it.  It may help her make her decision about getting a certification in Early Childhood Education.  Luckily that is only a 2 year degree.

TJ is doing his job and writing a book. I do not know what the book is about because he has not shared that much with me.

They also have started the paperwork to buy the big 2 bedroom manufactured house.  It has 2 bathrooms and a large kitchen.  He says they will be more relaxed there and can be in that place for at least the next 5-6 years while they save for a house.  Even if they start a family, they have the extra bedroom and a yard for the kid to play in.  The moving part is what is going to be tricky.  They have to be out of their apartment by the first full weekend in January.  At least I will not be the only one moving them this time.  Brit's dad and step brother will be helping.

Homesick

Deep pit of sorrow.

I read a 'page' on Facebook that is about surviving after a relationship with a Narcissist.  It is a sort of a counseling/share place.   It is set up and run by a Psychologist who has studied Narcissists and the 'victims'...he has written books on the whole thing.  The 'victims' share their thoughts and feelings.

It has actually helped me by facing reality.  While it is really painful and debilitating to accept that this person that you thought loved you, never really did...that you put so much of yourself into the relationship to make it work and it was never going to...at some point you have to accept it.  You have to or you will drive yourself crazy shouldering blame that you don't deserve.

I spent the weekend at 'home' with my family.  While my hometown has gone downhill, it still has some comfort to it.  While my parents are becoming more and more hard of hearing and have difficulty understanding, and dealing with things...it is still home and they are still my parents and just being there in that town, near family and friends feels like a big casserole dish of comfort food.

Yes, I feel like running back with my tail between my legs.  

I spent a lot of years finding confidence in myself because my mother had a lot of anxiety and 'ran' everyone's life so that everything went the way she needed it to...and because she did that, she did not have much confidence in our abilities to take care of our own lives.  I was not praised but was reminded of my short comings.  Then I married Darkness and was not praised but reminded of my short comings.  

I dated guys that showered me with flattery and flowers then when they felt they had me, they started in with running me and reminding me of my short comings...all to keep me under their control.  

I have a lot to offer.  I am smart, resourceful, creative, kind, thoughtful, and will bend over backwards for most people.  I deserve to be loved and appreciated.  I deserve to be praised...not reminded of my short comings.  

I'm Not Reba

So...that was NOT a good idea.  Taking my daughter to Michigan so that she could see her dad.

He has gotten a bit too comfortable and has begun to critique my choices and things around the house.

Ok...that is going to get nipped in the bud...like yesterday.

Thank you for reminding me why I need to be happy with YOUR choice.

Bethany gave him 2 things for father's day...belated.  1) a Cavs NBA championship shirt; 2) a shot glass from Ocean City to add to his collection.

He looked at the shirt and said it was a different one than he had see anywhere and he would wear it on the plane trip home.  He, however, wanted the shirt that the Cavs were wearing right after the win and he was going to buy himself that when he got home.  I looked at Bethany and she looked a bit disappointed.

As for the shot glass...it had a crab in the shape of a U and it said, "Bite me bUm...Ocean City"  He said, "You know THAT'S going to get used!"  ooooooof course.

On the way home, I got caught in a HUGE storm.  Drove in it for over an hour.  Pulled over twice because it was coming down too hard to see the road and the lightening was just too much.  But, after the second stop and I headed back down the road, after checking the radar, I told Bethany that I was just driving back into the storm because is was headed south down the length of the freeway.  I told her I just needed to keep driving and I would drive out of it.  She said that maybe it would just stay over me.  I told her I was moving faster than it.  (at least I hoped I was).  I finally drove out of it and for the last almost hour there was nothing.  While I was in it I kept talking to God, "Please don't let my last thing I did was have dinner with that doofus before I died."

About an hour after I got home, the storm caught up with me.  It sounded like it was going to lift the house and take it away.  I announced to the dogs I was going to bed.  They followed right on my heals.  So, I got the pillows on the floor of my office that they lay on while I work, and they slept on the floor of my bedroom...except for Jack who has his bed on the end of MY bed.  I sleep easier because I know if there is something major coming my way, my phone tornado alarm will go off.  It is loud enough to raise the dead. Thankfully it didn't go off but I had a lot of tree limbs to clean up.  Big ones.

I was still irritated this morning.  I have admitted to my wrong doings in our marriage, and I am not a 'blamer' for my behavior and choices...however...he broke me. He changed me.  He tore me down.  I just gave up.

It is taking me a long time to find the me I was before I married him.  I am feeling better about myself.  There is still a long way to go but I am doing better.  Being around him just set me back as far as my feelings of anger.  I don't want to be angry anymore.

He texted me that it was nice seeing me.  I told him it was HARD seeing HIM.  He texted that he still lays awake many nights wondering if he made the right decision.  So, just to assert MY anger, I texted back: You did not...it was NOT.  You tore a family apart.  I am not someone you throw away.  I really am working on not being angry with having to deal with how someone else's choices affects my life.

In the end, as far as I am concerned, it was a good decision for ME that he made.  I need someone more mature and stable.  He is an ass.

Another thing he kept going on about is his weight.  "I have gained back some of it. Do I look like it?  I need to start lifting weights again."  He just kept mentioning it.  So I texted him," no one cares about your weight.  You are concentrating on the wrong thing.  I...am...fat.  I will do what I can about that for me.  However, I am STILL smart, kind, and caring."

He will never...ever...get it.

Fighting to the Surface

It was one of those days...where I don't want to deal.  I want someone else to run the show.  But I don't want to open the door and let someone else in.

I just can't do it.  I definitely am NOT doing the online 'meet your perfect mate' thing.  I gave it another try and...brag about possessions, the money his siblings make...mostly bragged about his brother the millionaire (why, I don't know)...then bragged about how young he was when he got his license to fly an airplane...then he talked down to me when I would ask a question like I am an idiot.  The next day he sends me texts about how pretty he thinks I am...how I look so much younger than the age I told him I am. Who would lie and say they are older?

Then I spent Friday night with my friend Jean.  I was feeling unusually stressed by the revelation that I may never meet a guy that has some intelligence, is down to earth, easy going, has a sense of humor, etc.  I was also getting texts from Darkness like  'it sounds weird but I still love you'.  I told him it is BS because  he put me through Hell and you don't treat people you love like that.  I was feeling like I was wading in a river of shit by then.  So I texted Jean and asked her if she was busy after school (she works as a speech pathologist).  She said she was doing laundry...did I have something better to do.  I said, "I am feeling a need for some tropical mai tai."  she said, "I'm in!" The best ones we know are at Red Robin.  I got there before her and got a table and ordered us each one.  We had a great, fun dinner and drinks.  Our waiter was a funny young guy...entertaining.  LOL

Then I went home, let the dogs out, changed into some comfortable yoga pants and sweatshirt, stopped at the Redbox and picked a couple of movies and headed over to her place where we sat, watched a movie, drank wine and yapped.

She told me about her ex.  He sounded so very deviant.  He and his friends. Now mind you, this ex of hers had been the superintendent of the school system and his friends were teachers and coaches within the school system.  They had went on trips together, dropped drugs in their wives' drinks then played musical rooms with the knocked out naked wives!!  He was also bedding two other women in the next town.  She cried and shook her head and told me she had never told anyone else about it.

I listened in horror...but did not show it on my face.

When it really comes down to it...Darkness is just immature.  He is like the little kid who always thinks he's missing out on something.  He has let others influence his thoughts and deeds.

He told me this week that he had not appreciated me.  I told him that I would not argue with him on that point but hind sight was a sorrowful thing.

I kept waiting for him to grow up...and get it.  It never happened.  It never will.  He needs to shut up and keep his epiphanies to himself.  He is just feeling lonely right now,  It will pass.  The biggest thing is this...even IF some miraculous thunderbolt struck his brain and he was suddenly grown up and came back on bended knee begging my forgiveness and to take him back...even if I KNEW he really had changed...I STILL would not take him back.  I would wish him well and send him on his way.  He gave me too much heart ache and loads of bad memories.

I went to Walmart tonight to pick up some yogurt for me and get the dogs some dog treats.  On the way out I ran into one of my neighbors across the street, Larry.  He told me that Phyllis the Crazy Piano lady has colon cancer and is dying.  The neighborhood has changed so much just in the 8 years since we have been here.

He also sold the house next to him (he is a retired real estate agent but if anyone in the neighborhood needs to sell their house, he does it and does it quickly) in 3 days!  I asked him if the house was that great or if he thought it was location (the schools are a block away and the city park is 3 blocks away).  He said the house is not that great BUT the owner had ripped up the carpets and it had laminate floors plus the walls were all freshly painted.  He said the proximity to the schools was the biggest factor because it is a couple with young kids.  Also, the last owner put a privacy fence around the yard...which we have done, too.  This made me feel a bit better because I may have a fairly easy time selling the house when I decide to sell.   And get my money out of it.

My mother asked me if I had mortgage insurance.  I told her yes..why?  She told me not to be too quick to take Darkness' name off the mortgage because with his stupidity he might get himself into a situation that ends him and then my mortgage would be paid off.  I am not sure about that.  I am pretty sure since both of our names are on the mortgage then we would both have to die.  I hope she isn't planning something.  Ha ha!

I told Larry what Bethany is going to college for and his eyes lit up.  He told me about a job with kids from broken homes.  The place is attached to the local hospital and the job is federally funded and it pays really well.  I told Bethany about it and I told her that since her dad was nice enough to tell me not to worry about getting his name off the mortgage that would give me more time in the house...and her...and if she wanted to go for her BS degree she could...or work that job...or both.  I told her it just gives her/us more options.  She is excited.  I think she would love working with those kids.

It looks like I have a really good chance of being offered a 2 year contract  on my job.  In the meantime, I will be working away...1 class at a time...on my Masters and letting my employer pay for it.

I just want to pull up out of this funk.  I feel like someone threw me into the deep end of the pool and I am fighting to get to the surface of the water.

The Mask

I found an article that explains Darkness so very well.

Behind the Mask of the Narcissist

I was having one of my depression/pity party days today.  I have been sick and it has taken a lot of my energy.  Also, the grayness of the month has not helped my mood.  It is usually this time of year that I would be glad for others in the house to lean on.  But now there is no one.

Believe it or not, it is because of my anxiety and depression that I would actually be grateful that I had a husband.  I figured I needed to stay with him just because I felt that I was too unstable to make it on my own.  I have proven to myself that I can handle it but...I get weary of it. The big irony of it all was he was the one causing most of my anxiety and depression.

It is the loneliness.  I am not sure I am ready for an intimate relationship with anyone.  I feel too drained emotionally and mentally.  However, it would be nice to have a friend...a roommate friend.  Someone to share the bills with, converse with, and go do things with.  Someone that wouldn't mind helping me out (to lean on) when things come up with my kids, etc.  But there isn't even anyone like that.

It is sad because I allowed the isolation.  I allowed a lot of things.  It wasn't that I wasn't totally unaware of everything that was going on.  I knew he didn't REALLY love me or care about me.  However, I stayed in it so long, to shield the kids from those every other weekend visits alone with him and any other time alone with him, that I got torn down to the point that I believed he needed me to save HIM.  He always found a way to self destruct and I would be the one to put things back on the right path.  (Thus the title of my blog)

But that wasn't why he needed me.  When he realized I was a drag on him and his finances, when I wasn't glowing over him like he was so very important, when he felt I was choosing the kids as more important than he (I was right in thinking he was jealous of them), I was no longer of  use to him.

I was sitting here today thinking about how I had been tossed aside along with everything else he wanted to shed...the obligation of the house, the obligation of the dogs, etc.  He packed up his car and drove off to a new job in another state to start with a clean slate.

I do not know what he is doing now...or who. I have absolutely no clue.  I don't look at his FB page.  I could but I won't.  I don't need that.  I would rather not have any knowledge of his life or him.

I do wonder if I will ever feel mended enough to want another relationship.  There is a part of me that would love to know what it is like to truly be loved by someone.  But there is a bigger, sadder part of me that knows it wouldn't be fair to anyone else because I am emotionally unreliable right now.

I worry sometimes because I have a home job and I leave the house less and less.  Am I becoming a recluse?  Or is it just because of the time of year?  Also, perhaps God knows I will need some isolation time for healing.

My son says I need to put myself 'out there'.  Out WHERE?  I keep telling myself that I am not ready for OUT THERE until the inside of my house is organized and I am taking better care of myself physically.  Yet, I am not doing so well with either thing.

I want to feel some joy...some interest in my own life.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of some sort of pathetic existence.  I used to have that family commercial life in my head...you know...the happy kids, the happy mom and dad with pets.  But, it was all blown apart.  I had images of Darkness and I in my head where we were finally the empty nesters, spending time together, going places, doing things and being happy with each other.  I know it was a reach but I still believed in it.  I don't know why.  He never supported me or had any faith in me.

He seems very content with the 'no communication' arrangement.  It lets him totally off the hook.  It also gives me some semblance of peace in my world.  Perhaps he has gotten to the part where he realizes he DOESN'T need me.  He kept telling me he still needed me in his life.  But, he doesn't.  I am sure he has found plenty of others to feed his bloated self image.

I didn't want him to hang on.  I NEEDED him to let go.  I found it ludicrous that he wanted me out of his world as his wife yet he wanted me in his world as a friend to share what was going on in his life.  Perhaps it was more of a torture thing.  I don't know. There is no rhyme or reason to what a narcissist needs/wants or why.

I keep thinking I should be stronger than this...that I should no longer be bothered...that I should be able to banish the past from my thinking.  Yet, from everything I have read, it seems normal that I haven't.  And it scares the ever living beetlejuice out of me!  Will I never feel joy again?  Will I never be able to reach out to others and feel something?

I guess I really did sacrifice myself for my kids.  I just hope I am not emotionally and mentally twisted forever.

Centering

For years I have suffered with fibromyalgia.  It really got bad for a while.  The worst bouts of it seemed to be brought on by some over the top stress or anxiety.  There must be something to that because since Darkness left, there has been less stress and less flare up of the fibro.  Of course, not having the stress of my last job helped.

Then there is winter.  January and February are the WORST months.  I have suffered with SADD for longer than I can probably remember.  Once Christmas is over, I want to go hibernate until the second week of March.  I realize that big doses of vitamin D3 help.  Or a light box.

Of course, BOTH aforementioned problems can be helped with exercise. Just because you KNOW something doesn't mean it solves the problem.

If it wasn't for the dogs, I would sleep...A LOT.  But then again, it would become annoying after awhile because I don't want to sleep my life away.

With my son and his fiancee moved out, and it being down to me and Bethany and 3 dogs, it is becoming a bigger transition than I had thought it would be.  I look in the fridge and feel somewhat anxious because I can actually SEE what all I have in there.  It is looking almost minimalist.  Then I realize it only has what she and I like in there.  It is not holding a bazillion other things for 2 other  people.

Also, I still eat meat, even though my daughter doesn't. So I did some meat shopping and realized I did it like I always did.  Now I am pretty sure I have enough of it for me for over month.  Oh well,, that should cut down on the food bill the next time out.

My daughter is going to have to get used to kicking in a little on the cleaning up around here.  She has slid on it for a long time.

I am getting anxious about downsizing.  I still have to wait for her to get out of college and get a job. She won't be done until August 2017.  But in the meantime I am planning and scoping out types of houses and cost.  I have been watching a lot of Tiny House Nation on TV.  I am not sure I would want to downsize THAT much but a 2 bedroom place would work.

My other concern is this...my future DIL.  Now that they have moved out, I am seeing it more than ever...my son has hooked himself up with a female version of his dad.  She is selfish, snarky and manipulative.  Nothing EVER seems to make her happy.  He is doing everything anymore.

I pray.  I want to say something to her but God may have other ways of dealing with it.  I pray.  I hate to see him get himself hitched to her.  Then it will be many long years of misery and kids will come along and make it all much more of a struggle.

Darkness has no worries about any of it.  He walked off.  And even if he was here, I  am not sure he would pay much attention.  It is what he has always done...walk off and live in his own little world. Then he would show up only long enough to interject something about how badly I am handling things because it is all not some nice, neat, little problem free package....and make some observation that sounds like he is surprised that we were not sitting frozen in time while he was away.

Families and relationships are not for the selfish and self centered.

I Like to Move It, Move It

The Post title is a lie.  I DO NOT like to move.   I am talking about moving furniture and belongings to another location.

I took Friday off from work (using one of my 3 personal days) to pick up the moving truck for my son, collect some furniture they ordered from a couple of stores on the way back to the house. Then, I helped them load it for hours that night.  Went to bed at 2 am and was back up before 7.  We loaded some last minute things and I drove the truck down the highway an hour south of here and into the apartment complex.  Then, for the next 4 1/2 hours we unloaded.

Turns out the couch was too big (one of the ordered items I had picked up) to get through the doors.  It also had some missing 'faux leather' on the corner of the arm.  So, I got on the phone to the store to make sure they would take it back, and called the Uhaul to change the order from one way to round trip.  I checked when their closing time was.  We hustled the rest of the stuff off the truck.

My son and his fiancee were stuck there with the cable/internet installer.  I took off and told them they had another hour but to let the guy know they had to leave by 6 so they could meet me at the Uhaul and pick me up.

I got the truck to the furniture store and they came out and unloaded the couch...but first they asked me if I would keep it if they gave me a discount.  Um...nope.  It was unloaded, Then I drove across the street to the Speedway and put the required amt of gas back in it.  I also grabbed a cappuccino because I was kinda cold.  The temp was upper 40's but I had realized I had left my hooded sweatshirt back at their apartment.  I was wearing a short sleeved tshirt and jeans.

I hopped back in the truck and realized I had 11 minutes to get the truck down the road and into the Uhaul.  I saw the lighted Uhaul sign and glanced at the clock...2 minutes left.  I wheeled that thing into the parking lot and jumped out...after I put it in park and shut it down, of course.

Luckily there was a couple of hillbillies in there asking a bunch of questions trying to rent a truck.  The poor girl behind the counter looked at me and mouthed "sorry".  I just shrugged and shook my head with a smile.  I called my son and he said he was in sight of the Uhaul sign and was pulling in.

I got my turn, paid the bill, and we took off for my house.  My son had drove my SUV down behind the moving truck so this way he was going to get his car.  I had him call the pizza place where my daughter's bf is the asst manager and order a pizza.  We would make it back to town by the time the pizza was done.

I got to town, pulled in the pizza place parking lot and out the bf came with the pizza, handed it to me and said it was his treat.

I got home to clean up pools of poop.  yay.  My oldest dog had doggy flu.  I had cleaned it up that morning too.  It has taken 5 Imodium over 2 days to get it to quit.  That is 2 weekends in a row with a dog with doggy flu.  I still have another dog and I am going to need some more Imodium.

My house it emptying out.

In the meantime, there is a guy that has been bugging me every since he found out I got a divorce.  I went to HS with him.   But he has been pushing hard and it has really caused me anxiety...almost to the point of a panic attack.  I just told him that we haven't really been around each other since HS and we have both changed.  He got ticked off and told me that he got it..that he was just friend material.  I told him that isn't what I said but he is pretty quick to pull the trigger.  He told me that he had a crush on me way back then but I wasn't interested.  He is much better looking now and my reluctance tells him enough.  I told him that he has no idea who I am now.  I just went through 25 years of emotional and mental abuse and manipulation and he should be able to understand that I am certainly not going to just jump into something.

Frankly, that whole situation right there is a pool of poop.

Jean and I made arrangements to go to dinner theater for our monthly girls' night out.  I am looking forward to that.  AND, if I stick to it, I will be going to the first of the year organizational meeting of the town theater players.  I am not one to get on the stage but I would be happy to help out with costumes or scenery.  A woman I know at my church kinda poked at me to do it...just to get out of the house and do something different.  So, unless I am totally dead tomorrow night, I will try and make myself go try.

Also...the weather report:  the day my son moved was the last decent day.  The next day, the temps plummeted and it started snowing.  Our winter weather waited all of this time while he was driving back and forth an hour each way for his new job.  Now he is 7 miles away from work.  AND his fiancee is about 15 minutes away from her new job.

My house is filthy and I have a 3 day weekend coming up.  I will really need to do some massive cleaning.  Oh well...no rest for the weary.

SMH

I was doing good with my job today.  I finally got my data base tweaked to where it works like I need it too.  I have all the info I need right in one place.  No more opening up multiple pages of student info just to find out all what I need to know.  I had a meeting with my lead.  She went down through my students and because I had my handy dandy database up and tweaked it took me no time at all to answer her questions which saved lots of time.  Meeting short, sweet and to the point.

In the last 2 days I have had to go back and educate 2 different families in how things work and what they are doing wrong.

I am in communication overload.  So what am I doing on here?  Well...let me tell you.

I got a call in the latter part of the afternoon from my ex MIL.  I thought it was unusual because she doesn't really call me.  Why should she?  I hesitated and contemplated...but ultimately I answered it.  She told me that Troy (The Darkness) asked her to call me and tell me that he REALLY needed  me to call him and that it was really important that he speak with me.  She said that he said it is something VERY important.  I told her, "it better be an emergency."  She didn't say anything.  I sighed and said, "fine"  We chit chatted a bit.  Then I called him.

I will tell you what...he is totally out of his mind.

He started to tell me how all the things he said to me last Thursday and Friday were not 'real'.  He was not back with her..he just was saying that stuff because he was having a difficult time with her and she owed him money.  But now he has his money and she is totally gone from his life and will never be in it again.  Sorry he hurt me...knows we can't get back together...but wants to be 'friends'.

Here's the thing...I have been wrangling with the 'forgiveness' part.  I wrote about that in a previous post.  But then, I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald about forgiveness.  He said, "you can forgive and not be an enabler."  And the way he explained it gave me that 'aha' moment.  It went along with my 'aha' moment where I realized I had no reason to have him in my life anymore...I didn't have to communicate with him.  So, I can forgive him but not give him anymore chances to do it again.  Yep...I can handle that.

I have also been training myself not to go back and think about the past...the wrongs, the rights...it is all the past.  Move on. Do not dig up and carry around that old sack of rotten potatoes anymore.  God put this thought into my head:  those 25 years of marriage to him were miserable BUT they weren't totally wasted years because I have LOTS of great memories with my kids.  I AM grateful for his financial support so that I could stay home with them and raise them and do so many great things with them.

Now...back to the conversation.  I told him that I do not know if I can be friends with him ever.  I told him that he lied to me so many times, changed his story, manipulated me that I did not trust a word out of his mouth and frankly I just did not want to deal with it anymore.  I told him that he told me he just wanted to make a life so go make it. I am trying to make a life for myself.  I told him that he had told me after the divorce that I needed to quit communicating, get over it and move on.

He said, "Well, that wasn't all me."  I just skipped right over that.  He is a grown ass man.  He should be able to make up his own mind.  He is still trying to blame everyone else around him for all that happened and for his decisions.

Then when he realized I wasn't giving in and softening up, he started to get aggravated about something that I pointed out that he had done in our marriage...towards our son, more than once...that caused me to lose respect for him. He was trying to rewrite history and, of course, true to form, get me to believe my memory of events was skewed.  He was getting angry and I abruptly said, "Well, you are getting angry, this conversation is over.  I will see you Christmas.  Good bye."  and hung up.

I am NOT taking the block off my phone.  I am NOT taking the blocks off of my emails.  He can sit and stew in his own juice.

He kept saying that he knew I was angry and thought of him as the enemy. To which I said, "I am not angry. I don't think of you as the enemy.  I just don't care and I don't think of you."

I am not doing or saying this to hurt him.  I just want him to leave. He divorced me.  I felt badly for no reason.  I am over it all now and I can have a better life.  And if I end up never having anyone else in my life, then so be it.  If I end up living in a one room hovel by myself, then so be it.  It is my life to work with and I would rather be without him than with him.

Go Peddle Caring Somewhere Else

Evil Spawn's name has been changed to "The Darkness".  Dark for short.

Dark spoke with both of OUR kids.  I told them he was going to call them and be manipulative.  He will make all kinds of excuses and expect that they will believe him. Therefore, if they have an opinion or thought about anything, they need to make sure they tell him so he doesn't falsely believe he is manipulating anyone.

Well...they DID tell him. And every excuse he lobbed at them they threw back in his face.  I was most surprised at my daughter because she REALLY let him have it.

He kept telling the kids that he knew I wasn't talking to him because I was mad at him.  He wanted them to tell me things but they told him they were not going to relay anything he had to say because I had heard it and it meant nothing.

So, I wrote him one more, LAST, email and explained to him it wasn't anger that had made me block him from my phone or my email...it was how he treated me and his choices.  I was not friends with people that treated me the way he did.  I no longer cared about him at all because he had finally killed off any feelings I had for him in anyway.  I am not angry with him because that would mean I care in someway...and I don't.  There is no reason for us to communicate.  The kids are adults and he can talk to them and they could contact him themselves if they wanted to.  We are divorced so I have no reason to want to talk to him or communicate.

And I honestly have no desire to communicate or care what the feck he is doing or with whom.  I told him I do not care if he is happy, miserable, alive or dead.  And, I don't .  If someone told me today that he fell over dead, I would shrug.  I would not cry or feel like I should go to his funeral.  I simply do not care.

It is weird.  I do not know who he is.  I thought I did but the truth of it is that he was just pretending.  That must have just killed him.  But...he evidently was miserable and I know I was.   So...what is the point?  There is none.

I told him "do not care about me.  Do not keep a spot in your heart or mind for me.  I do not need your help. Do not buy me a Christmas present.  I am not buying you anything." He had told our son he was going to buy me something and call it a 'house present'...like he did last year.

If he buys me something I will hand it back.  I do not want it.  He told the kids he is going to be in town Christmas Eve and checking into a hotel then he will be here early Christmas morning.  I am changing the frequency on the garage door opener and the code on the key pad opener.  He still has a button in his car that is programmed to the garage door opener.  As far as I know he does not have a key to the front door.

If he wants to see the kids on Christmas he will have to knock on the door and let me invite him in, like a guest.  I really don't want him to ruin my Christmas but the only way he can do that is if I care.

To Err is Human...

This has been a horrible week.    Horrible.  Starting with David's death, followed by the single mom with 3 adolescent kids evicted from their home...

Thursday was a day of conferences and phone calls.  There is a mother that has been so angry and refuses to talk to the other Family Academic Support Liaison for her young daughter or any of her kids' teachers...she will only talk to me.  I do not know why but...

I have been having such a difficult time with her.  She gets angry, then she's nice, then angry, then nice and to day she finally spilled it...she and the kids' dad have been having problems for weeks and she and the kids are moving out this week.  I kind of wondered about the whole thing because there is his FB page with him and his adolescent behaviour on it...no pic with her in it.  One pic of the kids with ice cream cones.   (yes, we stalk the FB when we have tough cases...looking for clues to understand what we are dealing with).

I had a truancy case hearing followed right up with a call from Evil Spawn.  I really have no words.  After all the trouble...

Oh feck...he is back with the bipolar nut job.  I told him I would let his kids know he will not be here for Christmas.  He started to object and I told him to save it.  He would not have to come up with some lame excuse.

I will not bore you with the details of how I got him to confess...let's just say it was a day of txt messages that raised the red flags in me brain...and some words from a friend...familiar behavior.  I know the pattern.

So...it is official.  I blocked him from my phone.  I will not talk to him.  I told the kids IF he would call their phones and tell them to tell me he wants to talk to me, they are to tell him that unless it is some extreme life threatening emergency, I will not talk to him...even then I will have to think about it.  I will not read his emails.  I will set them to go straight to the spam folder so I can empty it without looking.

I was really angry at first.  I thought I was angry at him but then I realized that it wasn't him I was angry at.  I expected something like this from him...I was waiting for his NEXT gf.  I way underestimated the time he would be alone...not sure he has been alone.  However, I did think he would find someone new.  The one I was angry at was me...for letting down my guard and thinking he was going to be different and we could be friends.  I am the definition of insanity.

"I have learned my lesson!  It will be a very long time before I let anyone in my life again!"

I did not know a VERY LONG TIME was less than 2 weeks.  Good to know...taking mental notes.

I had JUST said to my daughter this morning that he was slowly fading from my days.  I told her I knew he would find someone else and all of his 'sweetness' towards me was only because he had been in an uncomfortable position.

But I can now say...he literally sickens me.  And I am upset because 25 years with him made absolutely NO difference in him.  It is as if our marriage was a brief stutter step in his life.  And I am upset that I wasted all of that time...those years.

And I am still lonely.  I am sick and tired of being lonely!  I am a kind, decent, uncrazy, trustworthy person with a big caring heart. Here I am...alone.

It isn't that I am ungrateful for the turnaround in my life so far.  But...lonely sucks.

Feels Like Deja Vu Heartburn

This last week was very stressed, work wise.  Another thing with volunteering to handle the load, I not only was paired with our school 'social worker', which made the re-engagement cases more involved, then my Lead asked me to take on some new orientation cases.  She asked me how many I thought I could handle.  I really had no way of knowing so I said, '10'.  Then in the course of taking on those 10, I ended up picking up 1 more because it was a sibling of one of the new cases.  It came out okay because one of the new kids I have is withdrawing because his mother said doing her own homeschooling will work better for them.

The re-engagement cases have been dragging their feet and I had to send out the letter that tells them they are not following the Back on Track plans  at all so we are now in Phase III...they are in count down stage to withdrawal proceedings.  They get 10 points and for every day they do not follow the plan a point is deducted.  For every day they miss a meeting with me, a point is deducted. For every day they do not make it to all of their class connect sessions, a point is deducted.  So, technically, they could be thrown into withdrawal within 3-4 days.  For the younger kids, it is obviously more of a parent issue. For the middle school kids, it is more their issue than the parents' BUT it is also a partial kick in the back side for the parents too.

Personal notes:

My son's fiancee's mother started sending Brit text messages about the bedroom furniture, laptop, and books she had left behind at the house when she had to quickly pack her car and get out.  She wanted to give her stuff away or just keep it forever (bedroom furniture).  So Brit called her dad to borrow his truck and my son, my daughter's boyfriend (God bless him) and I are going to the house and load her stuff and move it.  Brit's dad does not want to see the ex or deal with her (can't blame him, she's nuts) and Brit can't go without police escort.  My son is all nerved up and anxious and he says he feels like he is on the verge of a panic attack.  I have been praying for control.  This woman has been saying some pretty nasty things to her daughter when it is her fault for this situation.

It actually was a good thing for Brit. She no longer has a crazy mom constantly in her ear telling her what a selfish, unappreciative person she is with no skills and unable to take care of herself.  Brit, while seemingly moody and self absorbed at times, has come a long way.  She is working everyday with people that are not very respectful of her and can be quite mean...but she goes and she works.  She is learning to handle her finances and make better choices as time goes on. She asks for advice but has learned to make her own decisions that are what she feels is best for her.  The self absorbed part will get better. She has a good heart.

Speaking of self absorbed...

After have a few conversations with Evil Spawn this last week, I have decided that I have learned how not be sucked into the same destructive behavior as before.  I do not feel sorry for him...give him excuses for his bad choices...will not help him untangle himself from the mess he created.

His talk about us being friends and 'fixing' things between us...I don't trust him.  Not sure I ever will.   Even if I sat down and talked with him F2F, I would not trust what comes out of his mouth.  Our kids have said the same thing.  It is sad that he has ruined his reputation with us all.

I sit and think back to how he has treated me and the kids over those 25 years of our marriage and I really cannot fathom how he and I would, or why we would, get back together.  He says he thinks were a pretty good couple and he thinks we can repair it.  I have finally settled things with myself and realize he and I should never be together again.  I have come to terms that if I am going to have a partner in my life I am going to have to meet someone new and go through all of that.

Evil Spawn may change.  I really can't see it.  But he COULD change and that would be nice.  However, I really feel like there has been too much damage and I do not know, either, how he would ever regain my trust.  He does the same destructive decision making over and over and I do not want to be collateral damage anymore...nor do I want to be the janitor and clean up his messes.

I am thinking part of his buttering me up is to take care of the aftermath of his bad decisions.  And if I did that, he would be nice to me for a while out of obligation, then he would start in with the criticism and emotional abuse.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

As I see it now, at some point he will get the Thug out of his apartment, he will spend Christmas with the kids and visit his family, then, when the holidays are over, he will begin to feel lonely again and meet someone new.

OR he may never move Thug out of his apartment and just stay in that situation.

Either way, it is his life and I am moving on with mine.  I have been having this strong feeling within me that when Spring rolls around, someone new will enter my life.  I can wait.  I have my job to keep me busy.  I will also pray that my job will still be there for me next year.  I do not trust  the company either.  BUT God brought me this job and He will help me through.

I prayed about this Evil Spawn situation and I really think God has opened my eyes.  That is my answer.  ES will not be my partner anymore.

Never a Dull Moment

Yesterday I got a lot of emails from Evil Spawn.  They reminded me of someone trying to ease himself into the pool...first stick the end of a toe in...pull it back...then put the foot in...leave it there...then the other foot...then start slowly putting more and more of yourself into the water.

He started out with, again, his apology.  This time with a  different tack (after I told him it isn't an apology if he is still blaming someone else).  He went on about how it WAS his choices...he made bad ones.

Each email was a bit more...a bit further. Somewhere in there he told me he still loved me...he thinks I am beautiful...and he made a mistake when he denied things he said..then he instantly backed up and admitted, well, he DID say it but he never really thought it.

I woke up feeling not so good to begin with.  By this point I was ready to spew.

I think the thing that really KILLED it was the "I am going to straighten myself out.  I need to do some spring cleaning and I will be that guy you used to love."  "The divorce was a mistake."  (I'm thinking no)

sigh...(head banging on the desk)

He is just wanting someone to prop him up.  He is feeling stressed out, tied up in a knot, and alone.  This too shall pass.  And he WILL put himself together, then go out there and find another.  It would be at that point where he would start criticizing me again (because that was what took the place of picking up another one).  He would be wanting to go out and find another one but he realized he was 'stuck' with me so he would take it out on me.

I just told him that the ones he REALLY needs to try and work things out with is his kids.  I don't care what Thug Life said about me or to me.  I knew she was a pile of crap so I didn't expect any different.  BUT he let her malign his kids and he told them that he was sorry if they didn't like her but they would either come to accept her or too bad.  It was none of their business.

I am not sure how he would go about rebuilding that house.  I can walk away from him, and that is fine.  But these are his kids.  He hurt them.  He has NEVER thought about how what he did or said made them feel.  Nor did he seem to care.

I told him he really needs to seek counseling.  He has a lot of crap swimming around in his head from his childhood and teenage abuse.  HOWEVER, that doesn't buy him a free ride of more chances.  He has been given lots of chances and he has squandered them.  He does not get an endless supply.

I didn't hear anything out of him today.  It was Bethany's bday.  He DID call her and he told her that he sent her an email.  Bethany said evidently he sent it to her old email address and she can't get into it.  I told her she should text her new email address to him.  Only if she wants to read the email. 

I did take a video of everyone around the table as she opened her presents and cards.  I sent it to Beth's phone and told her it was her choice if she wants to share it with her dad. I don't know where she is with him.

In the meantime, I am getting anxious because just as I was getting comfortable with my job the way it was, it is changing and I have a whole new bunch of things to learn.

I am thankful for my job.   I honestly am.  I am just not feeling very well. 

When do things get calm and boring again?

How Deep is Your Naivete?

I am glad that my job keeps me so busy.  I am glad that my kids are old enough that I don't HAVE to cook for them, do their laundry, dress them, supervise them (for the most part)...and I can work so much because of that.

I need to keep my mind occupied.  When it is not, things in my life swirl around in my head like a kaleidoscope picture...the parts moving around and when it stops you get a different view.  And that is when the 'fun' begins.  I sometimes gain a better understanding of the parts...or just get a new 'aha' moment...or just a realization sets in.

I had some down time yesterday.  My case load was a bit light this week.  I worked 2-12 hour days on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday I just had to send out enrollment verifications for some students, assign some to prinicipals, and fill in my spreadsheet for the school data gatherers.  Friday, I did not have much of anything to do until about 2:30 when she assigned me my next case load...and, boy, did she dump a pile on me!  That just means I am going to be VERY busy Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

But the down time I had yesterday...left time for the pieces parts of my entire life to shift around and give me some realization.  Or maybe it was just give what I already kinda knew a bold face type with an underline.  

I grew up in a way that was so very perfect.  Well, not perfect, but pretty great.  My parents spoke intelligently without the use of profanity.  We lived in a quiet, well kept, neighborhood with plenty of kids to play with.  I was able to ride my bike around the neighborhood and there was an ice cream/mini golf place just a short bike ride away from home.  There was a corner convenience store (before they called them 'convenience store') with a meat counter (the guy that owned the place was a butcher) and a candy counter.   Mom would give us kids a nickel sometimes and we would think we were RICH.  We would high tail it to the candy counter and buy Bazooka bubble gum, or nickel nips, or wax lips, or twizzlers, etc.

Our church, that we attended every Sunday, was a few houses down the road.  I was shirt tail relation to most of the people that went there (one of my shirt tail cousins is now a pretty well known children's chapter book author...his stories based off of his life growing up on a farm in a small town).

When I was a teenager, my friends and I would ride our bikes down to the beach and stay for the day...after we finished our chores.  We lived in a town that was on the shore of Lake Erie.  It was great.  We would take our allowances and stop at the Red Barn for cokes and fries.  When we got driver's licenses, we would gather at the Dairy Queen or the Public Dock for frisbee and under age drinking...something that I didn't do...honestly, I didn't.

My parents worked hard and our house was one of the prettier ones in town.  They didn't have a lot of money but they could stretch a quarter.  They managed to save enough to buy a really nice motorhome.  Every couple of years, they would pack all of us in it and off we would go.  One summer we were gone for 3 weeks.  We traveled up to Mt. Rushmore, through Yellowstone Park, down the coast of California, stopped to visit with my Aunt Wilma and Uncle Starr (both died from cancer less than a decade later), toured through San Francisco, stopped at the Grand Canyon, Virginia City, Las Vegas, and a few other places before making it back to our little Ohio town.

Most of our trips were to Florida...the Keys, Miami, Orlando, etc.  My dad's parents were down there from November to April and my mom had a sister that lived there.  We would always take a day to park on the beach at Daytona.  You can't do that anymore, from what I understand.  It was GREAT!

I guess where I am going with this is to give you all some idea what my life was like.  Pretty drama-less and happy.

Then I met Evil Spawn.  His life was anything but drama-less and happy.  Being married to me the only drama he had was the drama he created.  And he is still creating it.

I have realized that I do not and will not understand how anyone would always drift towards having that kind of a mess of drama in their life.  But he seems to and had I known that that is a real 'thing' that people do, then I would not have married him.

I was, and to a certain point still am, naive.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

So, not this last weekend, but the weekend before...the last weekend of August...I woke up on Sunday morning, opened up my email and there was a notification that Thug Life had sent me a connection request on my LinkedIn.  I sent a text to Evil Spawn and told him what she had done and I told him she is certifiable and it would be a cold day in hell...but she would deny it...again.

I would have gone on my merry way BUT...he did something that raised a big fat red flag...he apologized!!! He said, I am so sorry. You do not deserve any of this.  I am still in Tucson when I get home I will put an end to it for good.

Huh.  So, I mentioned it to Karen.  She, being the great friend that she can be, went to Thug Life's FB page and copied the rant she was having...with MY NAME smack dab in the middle of it...and sent me a copy.  I read it and wow...she was angry at EVERYONE!  She ranted about Evil's whole family ad how she had blocked them alllll....and on and on.

I sent it to him.  Then he called me and explained how when he had gone to Canada, he found out his Iphone was connected to his Ipad (both company equipment) and she discovered this also.  He  had left the Ipad in his apartment, she had a key to the place and was there while he was gone, and followed his phone calls and texts while he was away.  She saw every text he had sent to me and any phone call to his kids or me.  I do not recall a phone call from/to him.

So,..now back to The Sunday...he called me at one time during the day and I was busy.  So I tried to call him back and I got, "This phone is no longer accepting calls from this number."  Bethany had just gotten home from work so I asked to borrow her phone.  I called him and the call went through.  He was surprised that it was me.  I told him why I didn't answer his call and then told him that I got the message that his phone was no longer accepting calls from my phone.  He says, :"Oh REEEEEEAAALLLY?"  She had figured out how to block me from his phone...because HE HAD LEFT HIS IPAD AT HOME AGAIN!  I went off on him...about his stupidity!

We figured out that she had hacked into his personal AND business email.  He had dinner with his boss that night and had to let his boss know about the Ipad unlock and email hack.  That must have been some conversation!

Even better...she could get into his apartment and he had guns and ammo in there,..not all under lock and key.  AND the stuff that he came here to get Memorial Day weekend he had stored at Thug's step mom's house.

Bonus...he tells me she is bipolar and abuses her meds.  shocker.  I felt like he was walking into a real nasty set up.

So,.. he got home that following Tuesday and found out she had totally moved into his apartment,  She gave up HER place.

I left my house Thursday night to go to visit my parents and spend some weekend time with my friend Jackie.  TJ called me Thursday night while I was driving to tell me that he had called his dad to find out if he was alive or dead.  He said 'dad' was home sick and had been since he got home from Tucson.  He had been sitting for days trying to remember all of his accounts and passwords and changing them all.  He had called the bank and ordered a new card.

Today, Bethany says she got a call from him yesterday and he told her that he discovered about her moving in.  He tried to break it off with her, she took a bunch of pills and drove off,  She ended up rear ending someone and she can't afford to fix her car so she is still in his apartment.

On top of that, she had to take HIM to the ER...he had an awful pain in his stomach, lower back, and his vision started going blurry.  He was terribly dehydrated and has some sort of bug on top of it...but the hospital did not know what it is.  So they gave him 2 shots and some pills.  He has been home sleeping a lot. He says he can't stay awake.

I just wonder if he does have a bug...or there is something going into him...without his knowledge.

I might not jump to that conclusion but she is nuts.

He has really really got himself into a deep pile of doo.  I pray for his safety and health.  I also pray that he does not lose his job.

I, in the meantime, realized that during her two separate rants about me was her going off because her feelings were hurt.  She had gone through his email and he had saved every email I sent him and she read all of the things I had said to him about her...including the warnings.  So, I apologized to HIM about it.  I had no right to say anything to him about her or his life choices.  And this is the truth.

It is not about what she said about me...that is her problem.  I don't care what she says because I don't know her.  It means nothing to me.  I just had to apologize for my wrong doing.

I have come to understand a lot of things about him and his choices through all of this.  AND I also came to realize that I do not love him in any way.  Not even a little bit.  I don't hate him...I just do not want anything more to do with him.  I will pray for him and hope his journey will take him into a better direction and into safety.

The end of a long, stress filled road.

And even though I am putting in really long hours at my job, I love it still.  I am happy with my chaotic home life.  It is chaotic but we love each other and it is working.  I am not interested in adding anyone else to my life right now.  It will get there someday perhaps.