The Blank Page

Having the ex here even for a Christmas finally put the lid on things...and screwed it down tight.

He sat in the livingroom on Christmas day texting with the new 'interest of the minute'.  When he is all alone, no woman after him, he would be so sweet to me and butter me up.  I know when someone else comes along.  I told him that the communication between us is over.  I want a fresh start and he being in my life only makes me anxious and ornery.  He quickly agreed with it...because he is on the verge of a new relationship.  If this one goes south, he will be trying to make nice with me again.  It may be a few months down the road, a year...whatever...but I have closed the door.  I got a belly full of him.  He is acting like a 20 year old jerk.

It isn't like I don't remember those 25 years.  Of course, he tries to turn the tables and put the blame on me.  It is what he has always done...put the blame on someone else.  I don't know why it never dawned on me before to wonder just how awful his childhood really was?  How much of it did he twist and turn to make it sound like he was abused by so many in so many ways?

I am not going to sit and think about it or try and figure it out.  It no longer concerns me and the only way he is going to have a long lasting relationship is if he hooks up with some woman that dishes back out to him what he gives her.

I have to remind myself why I stayed with him...for my kids.  So that they wouldn't have to be left alone with him every other weekend...so that I would be here with them all the time to step in when he got bad.  In the end, I got what I wanted and the bonus is that he is 3 states and a 12 hour car ride away.

I guess you could say that I got my closure.

The difficult part is changing my way of thinking.  My world is changing a lot.  He is gone and my son will soon be moving out and living his adult life...learning how to budget and pay bills, etc.  I pray for his success and safety.

My big house will be getting empty.  I don't know why I need all of these rooms.  It was great for a while when we first moved in.  The kids had plenty of room for friends, Darkness has his own office space, I had my sunroom, the dogs have lots of room to roam.  Now there will be Bethany and me.  Darkness' office serves as a guest room/study room.  I have my own office.  The family room has become a room for the dogs.  I utilize the livingroom.  There is a diningroom that will seldom be used...no more family and friends around the table.  And an empty bedroom downstairs.  Actually two empty bedrooms downstairs but I am going to use one for storage.

If it wasn't for the dogs, I would downsize now.  I would sell the house, rent something smaller for Bethany and I until she is out of college then I will move back up towards my family and get a condo.

I will most likely still have the dogs.  That is going to be a problem.  sigh.

I have been watching "Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce".  Most of it is crap but tonight it really got into the feelings...the lopsided part of divorce.  Last week the main character and her almost ex decided to give it another try but found out that the problems they had before, personality clashes, were still there and they could not figure out how to change it.  So they parted.  As one of the divorced women said, 'It is the residual feelings after the divorce that you don't know what to do with.'  Another one's ex husband had another woman in his life that sobered him up and cleaned him up and he told his ex wife that the new wife made him a better person.  That is kind of an 'ouch'.  Then you wonder why he couldn't be that person when he was with you.  Is it because you married when he was this other broken down person and you took him as he was?  You didn't try to change him?  All along he wanted someone to kick him in the pants and make him change?

I can be a better person than I have been married to Darkness.  I can be that self assured, kind, helpful person I was before I married him...the one that thought she was worth something.  I just need to unearth her and dust her off and reintroduce myself.  I was adventurous and fun loving.  I have become a fat, listless, lump.

I can do things.  Things need fixed, etc...I figure out how to do it.  I have always been that way mainly because I know I am smart enough to figure things out and I never had the patience or trust to leave it up to someone else.  I liked the idea that I was independent.  On the flip side...I would so very much love a guy that would step in and say, "I know you CAN do it, but you don't have to do it.  I will do it for you."  Or the guy that will step in and say, "I know you are strong and capable, but you don't have to be so strong all of the time.  I will help."  Darkness's attitude was that since I COULD do it, I SHOULD do it.  He didn't need to be here.  I love how he has said so many times, "I felt like I was just a paycheck."  Well, you could have been more but you never tried.  I had to do everything else so why shouldn't you at least be a paycheck?

Or, the infamous, "I needed more sex.  I wanted to be hugged...touched."  My answer to that?  Give me a reason.  Make ME feel like you actually love me.

The thing is...he didn't love me.  He never treated me like I was someone worth his time...unless he wanted sex.  Now he can try and get it somewhere else.  Even sex with him was mostly one sided.  Thinking back, he was one of the worst sex partners I ever had.

He is so selfish that even that bipolar nut job he was with last year made comments about him on her FB page.  He doesn't know what real love is.  He is too selfish and self centered.  He only does things if he wants to be told how great he is and wants pats on the back.  If he does something that someone tells him is great, he goes around telling everyone about it.  He told all of us, one at a time, about the dinner he cooked for his mom and her husband and how much they loved it and wanted the recipe.  He was there 3 full days and 2 half days.  He cooked them one meal and he had to tell us all, one at a time, how much they loved his dinner.

He would buy some new car, or gadget, and have to take it around to every one of his family members and friends and show it off and brag about it.  TJ and Bethany said it was very embarrassing.  I have never done that.  Even when I got a new vehicle, I never told anyone.  I got it for me...because I needed it.  I would stop, eventually, to see a family member or friend and they would say, "is that a new car?" and want to look at it.  They would ask me questions and I would answer them then finally get them away from it and by then THEY told ME how much they liked my car.  No one knows the gadgets I have bought myself or what I really have in my house.  I bought things I wanted for me.  No one really cares or needs to know.  My kids take after me.  They don't tell ppl what they have.

He has a need for attention and admiration.  I didn't give him either.  I knew to pat him on the back A LOT when he did do something so that I might get him to help out again later.   But that didn't always work either.  I just didn't count on him for much. The fact that he put a ceiling fan in the livingroom and did it right was amazing enough.  The fact that he built a fence around the backyard was another VERY amazing feat.  There are things that need to be fixed on it now but it isn't anything he did wrong...it is just what it is.

He actually got out and helped with the landscaping one year but that was mostly because he wanted it to look nice when the family came to visit.  Which they did when Bethany graduated.

I have many things to do outside and inside and I can get them done.  I watch 'Rehab Addict'.  She is a little woman and she can do things!  LOL  I am much larger around than she is but maybe if I keep busy I can be little like her.

My daughter tells me she is going to help me eat healthy and be more energetic.  We'll see.  It would be nice.

Eat, Pray, Pup Hankies

I get really frustrated with my phone and computer's spell correction feature.  I was trying to type the word 'epiphanies' in a text message to a friend and my phone kept changing it to 'Pup hankies'.  I have no idea why that would make more sense.

Anyway...in just one observation by a friend, the last of the fog disappeared.

She said (and I am just giving a paraphrase) that she could always tell when I had been in contact with my ex because I was more anxious, uptight, and complained more.  I was like, "huh".  I sat and thought about that.  Then I asked Bethany, TJ, and Brittany if they agreed with that.  They all did.  My daughter even went so far to say that when I had blocked him from my phone and email I was more calm, I joked around more, sang, and really didn't mention him at all.

So I took those observations and realized that I was anxious and sad and complained throughout most of my marriage.  I second guessed myself and always felt like I could never do anything right.

My mother told me not long after I married him that everyone lost 'me'...I wasn't that same self assured, head strong, joker I had always been. 

It was after listening to what the kids had to add, along with my epiphanies, that I relaxed and knew what I have to do...close that book and put a lock on it.  I do not know what he will do with his life but it is not my concern.  I am happy that it is not my concern.  I am finding me and liking that person again.  And someone else will find me and like me too.

Closing the Gap

I know a lot of people thought that allowing my ex to visit for the Christmas holiday was a big mistake.  And I began to wonder about it myself.  However, it turned out to be what I needed.

It started out as me just being nice.  I thought it would be good to have that one last altogether 'family' Christmas.  TJ and Brittany will be moving out 2 weeks after Christmas.  In probably 2 more years Bethany will be moving out.  Heaven knows where their dad will be or who he will be with.  I may find someone and remarry.  OR, fate may have other things in store.

As it turned out, and I am sure God did this for me, their dad spent the night Friday night.  It was actually 2 a.m. in the morning when he showed up.  He was supposed to stop briefly Friday night to leave off presents and then continue on his journey to his mom's.  He was working in Illinois for the week.  But he texted me to let me know he ended up working a much longer day than anticipated Friday and did not leave Illinois until about 10 p.m.  He wanted to know if he could crash for the night.

Since our son and his fiancee had already left earlier that evening to go up to see his grandparents, I told his dad he could stay in TJ's room.  I had not had the chance to set up the futon in the study/guestroom yet, since I had not planned on him being here until Christmas Eve.

It was the next morning that things were said and happened that gave me another 'aha' moment.  Or maybe a bunch of little ones.  To make a long story short....I am done.  I don't know what I was feeling badly about or guilty about or trying to hang on to.  He irritates the ever living stuffening out of me because, after not being around him for so long then having to be around him, it made some things glaringly obvious...he is very immature.  An immature narcissist.  Perhaps that statement is redundant.

He is 50 years old and he says he doesn't know what he wants.  Oddly enough, that was the first thing my ex pastor's wife said to me about him when he divorced me, "I don't think he even knows what he wants."  I do know what he doesn't want and it is plain that he never did want it...to be married.  He is no good with relationships.  For years I thought it was me that was not good with relationships but...no.

That's all the knowledge I need about all of this.  I am no longer conflicted or feel guilty or sorrowful about it.  I am ready to move on and date and see if I can find that guy.

***********************
On another note...I am proud of myself.  I put a new fan in my main bathroom.  I repainted the walls and the baseboards.  I put in new tile.  The only thing left to do is replace the fan switch with a timer switch.  That is happening today.  yay me!  I did it all myself.!!!  I did!  I did!  LOL!!!

Now to put up the new window treatments in my living room and hang pictures.  Then next week I will paint my office, rearrange it and make and hang the new curtains.

Today is the first day of vacation.  I am going to bake cookies and vacuum and steam clean my floors.  I was up really early though with lower back pain from bending over and cutting tile last night.  I iced and took a pain pill.  Now I want a nap.  And guess what?  I am going to give me one.

No Deep Couch Sitting

That commercial makes me laugh...the dad that goes to sit on the couch only to get right back up to clean up another mess his young son and friends have made. He says that he doesn't have time for deep couch sitting.

Life is like that.  There isn't much time for deep couch sitting.  For so many of us we made the mistake of thinking we had it.  We just had to add to it as we went along.  But then, a death happens or a divorce.  In the case of the death, you are missing that other person but you have everything that you both had collected along the way.  With a divorce, some of the things you have collected for your life along the way gets split up or just goes one way or the other.

For death or divorce of a spouse there is one thing in common...you lose that person you searched so long for...the one that you thought would complete you.  If you are the one left behind, it is a confusion:  what happened?  Could I have done something to prevent the loss?

If it is the death of a spouse, they didn't choose to leave you.  You can still hang on to the idea that they loved you until the end...and into eternity.  With divorce, they chose to leave you.  The love just stopped,  The silence that is left by the empty place is deafening to the soul.    You don't understand how you could love someone so completely and they don't get it...or don't want it.  They chose you at one point...why did they 'unchoose' you?

People go through changes in life.  You never stop growing and learning.  Perhaps what they learned or found did not have a space for you.  Perhaps like repainting a room, the couch no longer matched.  The other person repainted their world and you didn't match.  Maybe you repainted your world too but made sure that the other person would still match because they were your favorite piece.  Someone wanted something totally different while the other person was content with most of what they had already.

You find yourself waiting for someone else to come along that thinks you will match their world.  But, they have to fit into yours too.  The only problem is, you may be looking for something that is almost identical to what you lost.

Then there comes a time when you have a project and you have certain things you need to complete the project.  You think you don't need to buy anything because over the years you have collected all of that stuff.  Then, in the midst of it, you find that you do NOT have everything you need because some of what was collected went with the other person...it left with them.

Then another sadness sets in as you realize that along with the most important piece of the setting of your life is gone and other little accessories.  The little accessories can be more easily replaced but it isn't the point.  It is just another reminder that your life was taken apart.  "Things We Lost in the Fire"...because it feels like a never ending burning inside.

I have heard so many couples say that the secret to a long marriage is to never give up.  And that you have to respect the other person, value them, appreciate them and also realize that the biggest part of it is being comfortable.  They know each other...all the little pieces and parts.  It is like deep couch sitting or curling up with a warm fuzzy blanket.  It just is.

I guess I thought that is what my marriage would be...that comfort.  I was okay with it in a lot of ways.  We did not understand or communicate very well.  I did not put enough effort into the right places but I took for granted that it was always going to be worked on.  Maybe that was it...like my favorite stretched out, worn out sweatshirt it would just always be there.  I could make changes to my world but I would never change it so much that my favorite sweatshirt no longer fit in.

I just didn't notice that I was not fitting into someone else's world anymore.

Then again, maybe I never did.

Another Party

I am over tired and not feeling well.  My son has been sick for days and the last couple of days he has been REALLY sick.  His fiancee has been sick all week.

 I was really sick  today especially.  However, I still had to keep moving.  I figure if my son can be sick, drive an hour to work in nasty traffic, drive into downtown Cincy and sit through town hall meetings, then drive home through bumper to bumper traffic then I can do what I have to do around here and be sick.

I just get upset every now and then because I seem to be left to do all the cleaning...and dishes...and cooking.  I feel like a non-person.  They just don't think.

Then it makes me angry in another way because even though I can forgive the divorce...cuz...the divorce itself I have made peace with.  It is HOW he did it that I get angry about still.  I lose my job and have no visible means of support and he wants to divorce me.  Anyone with a conscience would not do that to someone else...especially someone that has been there for THEM through everything.  25 years of taking care of him, picking him up and dusting him off and that is what I get. THAT is what is going to take me a while to get over.

I suppose the dinner I had with Jean last night stirred things up too.  She had a very horrible husband and put her through a lot.  I have friends whose exes were terrible and put them through a lot.  I have realized that my divorce, itself, was not that bad.  So he decided to try and replace me with some low life nut job.  His problem.  The only things that I am angry about is his dumping me right after I lost a job AND suggesting I sell the house...so that the kids and I could live on the street???

Yeah..when I am not feeling well I can get pretty bitchy.

Adendum:  I woke up with that whole thing on my mind again.  I had told Jean that I just had no desire to be with another guy.  She told me she went through that for a while too but it would come back.

But here is what my mind must have figured out in my sleep cuz it was the light bulb that woke me up:  he did not care about me.  I had not cared about me either.  I had put all of my heart into caring about my family and just wanting some care back...that I had nothing left to care about myself with.  And because I had not cared about myself, why should he?  I am not really giving him an excuse.  There is no excuse.  And I can write him off with "he is what he is" and this is true. But the fact remains, I cared more about his feelings than I cared about my own.  I have mourned something that was never going to happen.  I have mourned the fact that I had cared about him but he didn't care about me.  I have spent a lot of time and energy on that instead of learning to care about ME!  And THAT is why I am not ready for someone else to be in my life, yet.  Someone needs to care about ME...and that someone is me.  I need to care about me.

I look in the mirror and it shows that I don't care about me.  If I had cared about me, I wouldn't have put on so much weight!  By the time I put all of my heart and soul into my family, I had nothing left for me!  So now, I am learning.  It is like going through physical therapy...retraining.

I keep telling myself, 'once I get used to my job' or 'once the holidays are over' or 'once my son is moved out and settled'...and that will take place right after the holidays.  But, will I have another excuse for putting myself on the back burner?  It is sad when I have to MAKE myself care about myself.  Why is that so hard?  I need to realize my own worth.

I am not sure why that is so hard for me.  I know, I could blame it on my mother like everyone else.  She expected a lot out of me, yet, she would put me down too.  She accused me of being self centered and selfish.  She told me I wasn't creative enough to think outside the box.  And because of the negatives, I have done nothing but put others before myself and I have done a lot of thinking outside the box and learning to be self sufficient.

And because of all of that, it gave others the excuse to treat me like they didn't need to help me and that I didn't matter.

But I do need help...and I DO matter.  And I need to realize that too.

The Emptiness

I was singing this morning.  Making Thanksgiving Dinner and singing.  I was thinking of all of the things I have to be thankful for...

We gathered around the table and there was the kids with their significant others.  I enjoyed the dinner.  I enjoyed the conversation.  Then, TJ and Brittany jumped up and ran off to her dad's house for a small family gathering there.  And Bethany and Jordan disappeared to play video games and there I was cleaning up all by myself.  And sitting in the livingroom by myself.    Alone.

And then the sorrow and sadness crept in.  The Darkness had been invited to a dinner at a co-workers where they were trying to fix him up on a blind date.  And I am still alone.

I hear people tell me all the time that I am an intelligent sweet person and someone else will come along.  That I won't be alone forever. But there are no guarantees.   There's lots of nice people that are alone.

I put 25 years of my life into 'him' and my kids.  And then 'he' decided he didn't love me anymore.  My kids have their own lives and I am alone.

I had a family.  I had a husband.  And now I am alone.  It isn't fair.  It just isn't fair.  And I don't know what I did.  I am sure lots of other people in my position ask the same question...what did I do?

I Don't Have A Degree in that BUT...

The family that I was upset about a few weeks back...that was getting evicted...

Prayers are a wonderful thing.  This mother found help, got a job, and they are all safe, with a roof over their head.  She contacted us this morning.  I checked on the students' progress and updated their Back on Track plans before I contacted her.  In the meantime our school social worker called me.  She was of the opinion that the mother was not going to be able to handle all of this and that the kids would be better off in a brick and mortar school...they would be safer and fed.

I think she was surprised that I would not back her in this decision.  I told her that:

1) she had not talked to the mom, yet, to find out what all was going on...how stable with the 'roof over their head', did she have other support systems, etc.
2) the middle school boys would not necessarily be better off in an inner city middle school.  I told her that she had not actually been in one of those schools and it could be a frightening, harmful environment.  My sense of the mother was that she was trying to make schooling and life less frightening for her kids.

Priti seemed a bit agitated with me.  I dug my heels in and I told her the whole conversation was moot until we both spoke with the mom.

Priti beat me to it. She called me back and told me that perhaps I had a point.  She went through the whole list of all the mother had done to ensure proper schooling and that her kids were being taken care of by her sister while she was at work and that she was on top of what her kids were doing with their classes when she got home from work.

I called the mother and congratulated her on her big turn around.  I had already sent emails to her kids giving them all a pat on the back for getting back to their schooling and being responsible.

Life is tough and why can't we have more faith in others?

On the flip side, I had a family that I DID recommend for withdrawal from our school.  The mother really wasn't doing her part, the kids were getting farther and farther behind and everytime we reached out and tried to help, she fought us.   I tried working with them for the last 2 months and nothing got better.  Bye.  The biggest piece I did not mention is...she had her kids in the school last year and bucked the system and was abusive to the teachers all year.  This year, we have a different system that helps us weed out the difficult ones that refuse to do as they should.  One of the students' teachers called me to thank me.

Kinda like The Darkness.  He can make things seem better for a while but...he is who he is.  He IS trying to step up and help TJ and Brit with gathering what they need for their first place.  He keeps suggesting ways he wants to help me...or things he can do for me.  I really am not interested in that. But if he wants to help his son then good.

I think when he is here over the holidays, I will do a 'forgiveness burial' with him.  I want to move on.  I want him to move on.  This may help us both.

Totally unrelated:  I joined the school Walker Tracker Challenge.  I have to walk 3 miles a day every day until Christmas.  I shall try to rise to the challenge.  Wish me luck.

Letting Go of Habits

Christmas is tough.  When I was a kid growing up at home, Christmas meant decorating not only the house but the church as well.  Then there was the many many Christmas program practices.  Even when I was a teenager, we practiced with the adult chorus and I played in the orchestra as well.

It was the Nativity Christmas story over and over. Sometimes, there was a little bit of a Christmas play with more modern day characters in it as well.  It was tradition and habit.  It was what I knew. What I could count on.

Then everyone got older, moved away, the church population dwindled.  I got married and moved around.  Things were not like that for my kids.  They learned the Christmas story and I made sure they knew what Christmas was always about.  We eventually found a church for all of us to attend and they learned from them too.

Christmas traditions were more family oriented.  There was the cookie baking each year, packing them up and giving them to friends and neighbors.  They helped me decorate the house.  There was the present shopping and wrapping.  There was even gingerbread houses to be made and they decorated theirs and gave them to their teachers as gifts.  They were always so surprised that anyone made those anymore.  We got pictures from them afterwards of their families 'enjoying' the gingerbread house after Christmas.

But things are different.  The family is blown apart. Soon TJ will be moving out and he and his fiancee will be making their own Christmas traditions.  Then in another 2 years, Bethany will probably be moving on and she and Jordan (?) will make their traditions.

I hate the changes.  They are part of life but I hate them all the same.  I am so glad that I included my kids in so much.  I have lots of great memories.

It is difficult for me to sit here now and try to imagine my future.  I thought I had one I had a foot hold on.  I know that The Darkness and I had problems.  But somehow I saw us still together in the future...no matter how much I complained, I still hung on.  Now my future is faceless...and fuzzy.  I am not even sure if there is anyone there.  People tell me I will find someone but there are no guarantees.  I may not.

The one thing about marriage is I was someone's wife.  I had a husband.  I had a whole family.  I had something to 'work' with.

Don't get me wrong...living with 'crazy' is not a great way to live.  And I know that I imagined a future with him that was better when the truth of the matter is there was not going to be 'better'.

It is not HIM that I am having trouble with as far as letting go...it is the future I had planned in my head.  I am an anxious person and there have been way too many changes in my life. My anxiety makes me seem not so stable myself and I have been criticized for my choices and hanging on to something I shouldn't.  But there are lots of days when it just seems like I am literally holding myself together with rubberbands and chewing gum.   I liked buying this house and settling in it.  I imagined being here for a very long time and having someone to grow old with. The kids would always have a place to visit.

My mother has never truly gotten used to all of us leaving.  Every once in a while she mentions about the economy and she says, "you all might have to move back! We could turn the basement into more bedrooms and we could put in another bathroom."  I am not that bad.  I like seeing my kids grow up and go out into the world.  It is as it should be.  And, yes, I am nervous for them because it is never easy but they can do it.  I am here if they need a shoulder.  And if things get really bad, they know they have somewhere to land for a while.  But, I don't wish them to HAVE to come back.

I think most people seek that comfort zone...place where they can feel stability.  While I have this roof over my head and that should help me feel stability, it is the world around me that is making things feel not so calm.

One day at a time.  I thank God everyday for being there with me through it all and being my leaning post/my comfort zone.  I thank Him for the job I have now.  I needed this.  I know if I just relax and trust He will guide my future and it will all be good.  I just don't know if the future He knows will be good for me includes someone else.

SMH

I was doing good with my job today.  I finally got my data base tweaked to where it works like I need it too.  I have all the info I need right in one place.  No more opening up multiple pages of student info just to find out all what I need to know.  I had a meeting with my lead.  She went down through my students and because I had my handy dandy database up and tweaked it took me no time at all to answer her questions which saved lots of time.  Meeting short, sweet and to the point.

In the last 2 days I have had to go back and educate 2 different families in how things work and what they are doing wrong.

I am in communication overload.  So what am I doing on here?  Well...let me tell you.

I got a call in the latter part of the afternoon from my ex MIL.  I thought it was unusual because she doesn't really call me.  Why should she?  I hesitated and contemplated...but ultimately I answered it.  She told me that Troy (The Darkness) asked her to call me and tell me that he REALLY needed  me to call him and that it was really important that he speak with me.  She said that he said it is something VERY important.  I told her, "it better be an emergency."  She didn't say anything.  I sighed and said, "fine"  We chit chatted a bit.  Then I called him.

I will tell you what...he is totally out of his mind.

He started to tell me how all the things he said to me last Thursday and Friday were not 'real'.  He was not back with her..he just was saying that stuff because he was having a difficult time with her and she owed him money.  But now he has his money and she is totally gone from his life and will never be in it again.  Sorry he hurt me...knows we can't get back together...but wants to be 'friends'.

Here's the thing...I have been wrangling with the 'forgiveness' part.  I wrote about that in a previous post.  But then, I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald about forgiveness.  He said, "you can forgive and not be an enabler."  And the way he explained it gave me that 'aha' moment.  It went along with my 'aha' moment where I realized I had no reason to have him in my life anymore...I didn't have to communicate with him.  So, I can forgive him but not give him anymore chances to do it again.  Yep...I can handle that.

I have also been training myself not to go back and think about the past...the wrongs, the rights...it is all the past.  Move on. Do not dig up and carry around that old sack of rotten potatoes anymore.  God put this thought into my head:  those 25 years of marriage to him were miserable BUT they weren't totally wasted years because I have LOTS of great memories with my kids.  I AM grateful for his financial support so that I could stay home with them and raise them and do so many great things with them.

Now...back to the conversation.  I told him that I do not know if I can be friends with him ever.  I told him that he lied to me so many times, changed his story, manipulated me that I did not trust a word out of his mouth and frankly I just did not want to deal with it anymore.  I told him that he told me he just wanted to make a life so go make it. I am trying to make a life for myself.  I told him that he had told me after the divorce that I needed to quit communicating, get over it and move on.

He said, "Well, that wasn't all me."  I just skipped right over that.  He is a grown ass man.  He should be able to make up his own mind.  He is still trying to blame everyone else around him for all that happened and for his decisions.

Then when he realized I wasn't giving in and softening up, he started to get aggravated about something that I pointed out that he had done in our marriage...towards our son, more than once...that caused me to lose respect for him. He was trying to rewrite history and, of course, true to form, get me to believe my memory of events was skewed.  He was getting angry and I abruptly said, "Well, you are getting angry, this conversation is over.  I will see you Christmas.  Good bye."  and hung up.

I am NOT taking the block off my phone.  I am NOT taking the blocks off of my emails.  He can sit and stew in his own juice.

He kept saying that he knew I was angry and thought of him as the enemy. To which I said, "I am not angry. I don't think of you as the enemy.  I just don't care and I don't think of you."

I am not doing or saying this to hurt him.  I just want him to leave. He divorced me.  I felt badly for no reason.  I am over it all now and I can have a better life.  And if I end up never having anyone else in my life, then so be it.  If I end up living in a one room hovel by myself, then so be it.  It is my life to work with and I would rather be without him than with him.

And Then There Was Light

I have been dancing and singing most of the weekend.

I have gotten my Thanksgiving dinner organized.  I have a lot of the Christmas presents taken care of. And today I scored a used table and chairs set for my son and his fiancee for their first apartment.  It cost me a whole $40.  It is going to be a joint Christmas present.

I am looking forward to my week off for Thanksgiving because I have so much I can accomplish around the house!  Seriously doing some rearranging and fixing of things.  Yes...I...am!!!

I was going to do more than I did today BUT it was sunny and warm and after picking up the table and chairs...and hiding it at Jordan's...I meandered around the holiday deco section at the Menard's store.  I was getting decoration ideas.  I saw some things that made me go, "REALLY?  How much do they want for that?  I can make it myself...and better."  I have pine cones and sticks.  I refuse to pay someone $20 for a star made out of sticks with a bit of fake greenery and pine cones glued to it.  Or poinsettias made out of burlap and sprayed red.

I have been taking probiotics for almost a week now and my jeans are fitting like they should again.  I have not weighed myself.  I don't want to.  If my jeans start to feel looser I will.  I still have to work my DDP Yoga into the equation.  I need the strength.

Life is going to get better.  It is better all ready.  I feel like I was just set free from a bad habit.  It is as if...someone turned the light on!  And even those descriptions do not describe how I feel.  I have no words.  I just know it is awesome.  Thank you God for sticking with me.  Light the way and I will follow.

Go Peddle Caring Somewhere Else

Evil Spawn's name has been changed to "The Darkness".  Dark for short.

Dark spoke with both of OUR kids.  I told them he was going to call them and be manipulative.  He will make all kinds of excuses and expect that they will believe him. Therefore, if they have an opinion or thought about anything, they need to make sure they tell him so he doesn't falsely believe he is manipulating anyone.

Well...they DID tell him. And every excuse he lobbed at them they threw back in his face.  I was most surprised at my daughter because she REALLY let him have it.

He kept telling the kids that he knew I wasn't talking to him because I was mad at him.  He wanted them to tell me things but they told him they were not going to relay anything he had to say because I had heard it and it meant nothing.

So, I wrote him one more, LAST, email and explained to him it wasn't anger that had made me block him from my phone or my email...it was how he treated me and his choices.  I was not friends with people that treated me the way he did.  I no longer cared about him at all because he had finally killed off any feelings I had for him in anyway.  I am not angry with him because that would mean I care in someway...and I don't.  There is no reason for us to communicate.  The kids are adults and he can talk to them and they could contact him themselves if they wanted to.  We are divorced so I have no reason to want to talk to him or communicate.

And I honestly have no desire to communicate or care what the feck he is doing or with whom.  I told him I do not care if he is happy, miserable, alive or dead.  And, I don't .  If someone told me today that he fell over dead, I would shrug.  I would not cry or feel like I should go to his funeral.  I simply do not care.

It is weird.  I do not know who he is.  I thought I did but the truth of it is that he was just pretending.  That must have just killed him.  But...he evidently was miserable and I know I was.   So...what is the point?  There is none.

I told him "do not care about me.  Do not keep a spot in your heart or mind for me.  I do not need your help. Do not buy me a Christmas present.  I am not buying you anything." He had told our son he was going to buy me something and call it a 'house present'...like he did last year.

If he buys me something I will hand it back.  I do not want it.  He told the kids he is going to be in town Christmas Eve and checking into a hotel then he will be here early Christmas morning.  I am changing the frequency on the garage door opener and the code on the key pad opener.  He still has a button in his car that is programmed to the garage door opener.  As far as I know he does not have a key to the front door.

If he wants to see the kids on Christmas he will have to knock on the door and let me invite him in, like a guest.  I really don't want him to ruin my Christmas but the only way he can do that is if I care.

To Err is Human...

This has been a horrible week.    Horrible.  Starting with David's death, followed by the single mom with 3 adolescent kids evicted from their home...

Thursday was a day of conferences and phone calls.  There is a mother that has been so angry and refuses to talk to the other Family Academic Support Liaison for her young daughter or any of her kids' teachers...she will only talk to me.  I do not know why but...

I have been having such a difficult time with her.  She gets angry, then she's nice, then angry, then nice and to day she finally spilled it...she and the kids' dad have been having problems for weeks and she and the kids are moving out this week.  I kind of wondered about the whole thing because there is his FB page with him and his adolescent behaviour on it...no pic with her in it.  One pic of the kids with ice cream cones.   (yes, we stalk the FB when we have tough cases...looking for clues to understand what we are dealing with).

I had a truancy case hearing followed right up with a call from Evil Spawn.  I really have no words.  After all the trouble...

Oh feck...he is back with the bipolar nut job.  I told him I would let his kids know he will not be here for Christmas.  He started to object and I told him to save it.  He would not have to come up with some lame excuse.

I will not bore you with the details of how I got him to confess...let's just say it was a day of txt messages that raised the red flags in me brain...and some words from a friend...familiar behavior.  I know the pattern.

So...it is official.  I blocked him from my phone.  I will not talk to him.  I told the kids IF he would call their phones and tell them to tell me he wants to talk to me, they are to tell him that unless it is some extreme life threatening emergency, I will not talk to him...even then I will have to think about it.  I will not read his emails.  I will set them to go straight to the spam folder so I can empty it without looking.

I was really angry at first.  I thought I was angry at him but then I realized that it wasn't him I was angry at.  I expected something like this from him...I was waiting for his NEXT gf.  I way underestimated the time he would be alone...not sure he has been alone.  However, I did think he would find someone new.  The one I was angry at was me...for letting down my guard and thinking he was going to be different and we could be friends.  I am the definition of insanity.

"I have learned my lesson!  It will be a very long time before I let anyone in my life again!"

I did not know a VERY LONG TIME was less than 2 weeks.  Good to know...taking mental notes.

I had JUST said to my daughter this morning that he was slowly fading from my days.  I told her I knew he would find someone else and all of his 'sweetness' towards me was only because he had been in an uncomfortable position.

But I can now say...he literally sickens me.  And I am upset because 25 years with him made absolutely NO difference in him.  It is as if our marriage was a brief stutter step in his life.  And I am upset that I wasted all of that time...those years.

And I am still lonely.  I am sick and tired of being lonely!  I am a kind, decent, uncrazy, trustworthy person with a big caring heart. Here I am...alone.

It isn't that I am ungrateful for the turnaround in my life so far.  But...lonely sucks.

The Heartbreaks Around You

I woke up Sunday morning feeling satisfied with the clean house that I worked so hard to achieve the day before.  And I actually slept for 8 hours...straight!  As I sat down in my chair with my coffee I picked up my phone and looked at my FB app on.  I saw I had a message request...which meant someone that was not on my friend list had sent a request to message me and had already sent me a message.

I groaned because the last one I opened was a string of nasty messages supposedly from a 'friend' of Evil Spawn's Thug Life ex girlfriend.  I had copied all of those, pasted them in an email and sent them to him.  He called me and apologized all over the place for it and I interrupted him with, "I really could not care less what those Jerry Springer contestants have to say about me.  Do you think I give a rat's tail if one of them keeps calling me a "feckin'  bitch"?  I just wanted to share the 'fun' with you because why should I be the only one to have to read it.  After all, I was not the one that invited that  crap into my life.  Besides the fact that there are some things there that sounds like you were making fun of me to them because it is personal stuff."  He swore up one side and down the other that he had not done that...that they were just throwing stuff out there and hoped something would hit.  Sure.  And I am the REAL Lorelei Gilmore.  

I clicked on the invite while squinting my eyes.  But it was a name that was somehow familiar to me. I opened the message and it took a while for it to make sense and sink in.  Then I quit breathing.  My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach and quit beating.  The message was from the sister of my friend David.  She said that since I had meant so much to David and he and I were such good friends she wanted to let me know that he had fallen and hit his head the day before, had a frontal lobe hematoma and passed away without gaining conciousness.

I thought, This has got to be a bad, cruel joke!  How could that have happened?

I went to his FB page and found an announcement in Spanish from the woman in Brazil that had been his foreign exchange student sister when we were in HS.  She had posted her grief over the death of her American 'brother'.

His sister Janet had given me her number.  I called it and got her VM.  I left her a message through sobs telling her how shocked and sorry I am.  I thanked her for letting me know and my prayers are with the family.

I did a lot of crying that day.  I have still done a bit today.  I am still in disbelief mode.  It doesn't seem real.  I will never hear his voice on the other end of the phone poking fun of the Democrats and wanting to debate about the Republican 'contenders'.  I remember the night he called and talked for 3 hours because he needed a friend to be there...his wife had filed for divorce and was putting him through the wringer.  Btw...she and his daughter were by his side in the hospital as he slipped away.  I am wondering what sort of things are going through her head?

He was energetic and had an enthusiasm for life.  He was always a good sport to take a good ribbing over a not well thought out comment.   He was a lover of Charlie Brown and all of the Peanuts gang.  He likened himself to Charlie Brown.

Then today, I spoke to a mother that I and the teachers of her 3 adolescents had been trying to reach for weeks because the kids were not doing much school work. She had not logged in and put in the attendance or responded to requests for contact.  She was crying...she had been taking care of her ill mother. She and the kids were living with her. The mother had died and there was no income. They had been given an eviction notice.

I called our resource officer and gave her the story and the woman's number.

I can't imagine and I do not want to have to know what that is like.

I know that I am blessed.  I may not be where I had thought I would be but I am not on the street.

A Different Angle

I must admit I have a problem with forgiveness in some situations.

How do you forgive someone that you have had some sort of relationship with for many, many years...you know them, you care about them, you trust them, they know your secrets...and then they do something hurtful, ON PURPOSE.

I am not just speaking of Evil Spawn.  I am talking about ANY relationship, including family members.

I know you have to work on it...pray about it.  The hardest part of forgiveness is not being able to forget it.  Is it really forgiving if you still remember it and it conjures hurt everytime?

It also sometimes seems like if you forgive, it is like telling yourself that these people should be given another chance that may result in them hurting you again.

I have come to this conclusion about that:  You should turn the other cheek but it does not mean to stand close enough to let them slap the other one.

Can you forgive and still not trust?  Trust and forgiveness are 2 different things.  I can forgive yet not be able to trust that person again...and for good reason.  You do NOT have to give that person another chance to abuse you/hurt you.

You can forgive and walk away.

So, yes, now bringing this back to Evil Spawn.  I have been struggling with forgiving him.  If I forgive him does that mean I am saying it is okay what he did and that I value myself very little?

No.  He has his faults.  He is not like me.  I was not perfect and I was not the best wife either.  I complained a lot.  I felt hurt by him a lot and I got tired of arguing with him over everything so I was kind of passive aggressive in my dealings also.

And right now, here are the conclusions I have come to:

1) I did not make him happy.  He did not make me happy.  We shouldn't have had to MAKE each other happy but because our lives were not exactly what we wanted, we blamed it on each other.

2) I am not sure we could have ever rectified that.  We may have always been a bad match and we needed to be with someone else.

3) He has become very anxious.  What I mean by that is he is unable to deal with the conflicts of life.  If it is something that he must battle with, he shuts right down.  He used to face things head on...until he would feel overloaded then he would shut down and find the closest exit point.  It made no difference to him if it caused problems for anyone else because he was so overwhelmed.
I would have understood and been able to deal IF he had been able to admit it to me AND if, after it was 'over', he did not act as if nothing happened and picked at all of us around him as if we are the screw ups.

4) He is still pushing things off and acting as if HE if just fine but everyone and everything around him are what is messing up his happiness.

5) I can forgive him...yet it makes me feel like I am telling myself that I don't matter.  I have to pray for wisdom on how to reconcile that.  I also know that by forgiving him it does not mean I am saying I want him back in my life all the way.  He will always be there to a certain extent because of the kids, but I don't want him all the way back in.  I believe we are a bad fit.  I may not find anyone else to share my life...ever...but I will deal with that on a day to day basis.

I need more prayer time.  I need to accept him for who he is, and forgive what he has done.  I also need to believe that I am not short changing myself in the process.

Getting the Lead Out

I always have a long list of things I want to do on Saturday.  Yet, I never hit the ground running.

Here I sit, still at 1:30 in the afternoon. However, I have figured out in my head the order of attack and I AM going to finish certain things today.  The bathroom will be done, The wall over the fireplace WILL be done.  The papers will be sorted and boxed (old bills, etc).  AND the banana muffins and bread will be baked, some of it put in the freezer, and pumpkin cookies will be baked.

Tomorrow, if I am ambitious, I will be painting (finally) my office.  I hope to make my curtains and hang them too.  I have to make a trip to the fabric store at some point and get fabric for my daughter's closet 'door'.  It is oddly shaped and I wanted to do a barn door for it but the wall is only 5 foot long and the shortest slide rail I can get is 6 foot long.  poo.  So we decided to do a fancy curtain rod and a nature scene curtain.  This way she can pull it open one way to get into her closet and pull it the other way to reveal her full length mirror.

I spoke with the guy I needed to yesterday about the Financial job.  It sounds like it could be promising.  I will give it a try.  It doesn't cost me anything but some time for training.  If I end up being good at it and making money, I could get out of the education business.  It is so  stressful in the education field right now that any enjoyment I got out of it is quickly disappearing. And the pay sucks.  LOL

The weirdest part about that Financial job...I could hire my ex to work for me, if he wants to get back to Ohio and make money.  He likes the job he has but at the same time, if he could make good money doing something else, he would do it just so he could be where he wants to be.  I don't mean for him to be back in Ohio to be back with me.  Ain't happenin'.  I have no desire for that.  However, I do know that he wants to be near family and I know what it is like to feel homesick and disconnected.
It would also be great to be his boss.  LOL

I am not really planning on any of it but...you never know.

Well...time to get going on the day's projects and get things DONE.

Ms. Handyperson

This took me longer than it would have a regular person that does these sorts of things for a living BUT at least I know how to do it.

I put in a new bathroom fan/light fixture.  Well, it is not completely done, yet.  I have to go back up and find the two wires for the fan part and hook them in.  I only saw two wires at the time and figured that perhaps the fan and light were both connected to them.

I was wrong.  shocker.  LOL

BUT I got the old one out, hooked up the vent tubing and the other two wires, got it mounted and put together.  The I put the rest of it together underneath.

The next step...hook up a timer switch to the thing in place of the regular switch.  Wiring is not so bad if someone has had something hooked up in the first place.

I could not put in the soffet vent like I had planned.  Turns out that neither bathroom exhaust fans had ever been vented to the outside.  I could not put in the soffet vent because it was too difficult to get to so at some point I will have to put in a roof vent but...I did not have the energy left to do that.  So, for now, I ran the collapsible vent tubing to the roof heat vents.  I am sure it will help pull the air up through better than what was in place before...which was nothing.

I will say that once I had been up there and worked on this project, I have some respect for Evil Spawn.  Perhaps not a great deal...but some.  He put in a new fan/light in the livingroom for me before he left.  I have appreciated that thing ENORMOUSLY!  Now, if only I could figure out how to run new wiring I would put one of those puppies in my bedroom.

*****************
In other news:  My son landed his first fulltime job.  He was hired as a reporter/anchor for an iHeart news/talk radio station in Cincinnati.  It is an hour drive from here so he will need to move.  He has 2 weeks before he starts and he said he would like to not have to move until after the holidays.  I pray the winter is not so terrible.  If it gets too bad, he may find himself bunking at my younger sister's on the couch a few times...she is only about a 15 minute drive from where he is going to be working.

They are giving him the company car to drive, a cell phone and a laptop.

So, in a few months, my house will be less 2 adult residence.  Brittany was not happy to hear that she will be moving again so soon.  She is nervous about it...he is nervous about it.  I just told him (and her) that I am not that far away and I can be a lifeline.  BUT they will be fine.  The biggest thing is to work out a budget and stick to it.  She will also have to find herself a new job.

I am also going to be talking with a financial company about a part time job for extra money.  I need to pay off some debts and feel better about my future.  Once TJ and Brit move out, my utility bills and grocery expenditures will be lightened.  My Time Warner bill will be lighter too.  I am going to cut the cable off.  Bethany and I hardly ever watch a show when it is on and if I want to, I have a really great digital antenna hooked up to the TV in the family room.  I am going to subscribe to Hulu.  We already have Netflix.  My oldest sister and her husband log into my Netflix and watch it too. Bethany, TJ and Brit all watch it. I am the one paying for it and I hardly EVER watch it.  LOL!

I do not sleep well at night. I will fall asleep and sleep soundly for about 2-3 hours then wake up and I have to roll over and go back to sleep.  If I sleep for 4-5 straight hours, there is no going back to sleep.  But if I wake up 2-3 hours later, I can usually get back to sleep and get at least 6 hours sleep altogether.  Nothing helps...no melatonin or pain pills. Valerian root can sometimes help.

Christmas is coming...quickly.  I will have to buy something for Evil Spawn since he is going to be here and he is planning on buy me something.  I sent him a list.  LOL  I am not sure how it is going to go.  It will be weird.

I know the kids will appreciate him being here with them...and not on the Skype with a female friend in the background that they didn't know about.

I have been up since 4:45.  I fell asleep about 1:30.  It is now about 3 hours later and I think it is time for a nap.

The Nerve of it All

I did it.  I went to the chiropractor.  He is aggressive and painful...but the results are great.  For the first time in YEARS, the bulging disc is back in place...NO PAIN!

The last 2 weeks have been so stressful.  I have taken on extra responsibilities at work and this last week I was handed the left over student accounts from Erika, who quit.  She said it was way too much work and she wanted time for her own kids, etc.

It took me a while but I had to figure in my head how to organize things so that it flowed better. I tried a few different things but in the end, an organizer BOOK (yes, pencil and paper!) really helps me keep organized best.  I have to keep updating learning plans and calling parents.  Each family has different things they have to do to be ready for the online school or to get themselves and their students back on track.  I have teachers to check on student progress with, too.  In the midst of all of that, I have to present online orientation classes.

Now I have to work in the chiropractor visits.

Believe it or not, I get daily encouragement text messages from Evil Spawn...aka...Troy.  He is REALLY trying to convince me he is worth it.  I told him this is what FRIENDS do for each other.  I am trying to be 'friends' with him.  It will mainly help life be less stressful.

He tells me he is doing 2 different things: 1) looking for a good position in Ohio for a possible job change; 2) trying to convince his superiors to move ahead with their idea of having outlying avionics customer support techs, like Rockwell does...the old company he worked for.  He says he is home sick for Ohio, misses ALL of his family, and finds Kansas to be boring.

He can do what he needs to for himself.  Except move back in here.  I am getting my life back together, and while it is not ideal, it is better.  It can get better.  I like making my own decisions.  I could use his paycheck too in order to afford some things, LOL.

The longer Brittany lives here, the more she is becoming a combination of me and Bethany.  She has learned how to relax and be more casual while taking on the responsibility of her life.  She is doing a pretty good job.

TJ got an interview at a radio station he wanted to work at...but it is too much of a commute from here and he would have to think about moving out.  The amount they said they would pay would make life rather tight, budget wise.  But if Brittany gets a full time, or even part time job, they could do it.

I place everything in God's hands.

The Void

I have no one to pin a feeling to.  I want to have someone to look at and say, "I love you" with some real intensity and have that person say it back and you just know it's true. 

I want that guy that will do whatever it takes to be the owner of my heart.  And I want to be the owner of his.

I want that someone that at the end of a stressful terrible day will wrap his arms around me and hold me...and I want to do the same for him. 

I want that guy that I can sit and have deep conversations with...or mundane shallow conversations with...and feel satisfied.

I want a guy that doesn't mind being goofy or making a fool of himself on the dance floor in front of others.

Perhaps I want too much.

Feels Like Deja Vu Heartburn

This last week was very stressed, work wise.  Another thing with volunteering to handle the load, I not only was paired with our school 'social worker', which made the re-engagement cases more involved, then my Lead asked me to take on some new orientation cases.  She asked me how many I thought I could handle.  I really had no way of knowing so I said, '10'.  Then in the course of taking on those 10, I ended up picking up 1 more because it was a sibling of one of the new cases.  It came out okay because one of the new kids I have is withdrawing because his mother said doing her own homeschooling will work better for them.

The re-engagement cases have been dragging their feet and I had to send out the letter that tells them they are not following the Back on Track plans  at all so we are now in Phase III...they are in count down stage to withdrawal proceedings.  They get 10 points and for every day they do not follow the plan a point is deducted.  For every day they miss a meeting with me, a point is deducted. For every day they do not make it to all of their class connect sessions, a point is deducted.  So, technically, they could be thrown into withdrawal within 3-4 days.  For the younger kids, it is obviously more of a parent issue. For the middle school kids, it is more their issue than the parents' BUT it is also a partial kick in the back side for the parents too.

Personal notes:

My son's fiancee's mother started sending Brit text messages about the bedroom furniture, laptop, and books she had left behind at the house when she had to quickly pack her car and get out.  She wanted to give her stuff away or just keep it forever (bedroom furniture).  So Brit called her dad to borrow his truck and my son, my daughter's boyfriend (God bless him) and I are going to the house and load her stuff and move it.  Brit's dad does not want to see the ex or deal with her (can't blame him, she's nuts) and Brit can't go without police escort.  My son is all nerved up and anxious and he says he feels like he is on the verge of a panic attack.  I have been praying for control.  This woman has been saying some pretty nasty things to her daughter when it is her fault for this situation.

It actually was a good thing for Brit. She no longer has a crazy mom constantly in her ear telling her what a selfish, unappreciative person she is with no skills and unable to take care of herself.  Brit, while seemingly moody and self absorbed at times, has come a long way.  She is working everyday with people that are not very respectful of her and can be quite mean...but she goes and she works.  She is learning to handle her finances and make better choices as time goes on. She asks for advice but has learned to make her own decisions that are what she feels is best for her.  The self absorbed part will get better. She has a good heart.

Speaking of self absorbed...

After have a few conversations with Evil Spawn this last week, I have decided that I have learned how not be sucked into the same destructive behavior as before.  I do not feel sorry for him...give him excuses for his bad choices...will not help him untangle himself from the mess he created.

His talk about us being friends and 'fixing' things between us...I don't trust him.  Not sure I ever will.   Even if I sat down and talked with him F2F, I would not trust what comes out of his mouth.  Our kids have said the same thing.  It is sad that he has ruined his reputation with us all.

I sit and think back to how he has treated me and the kids over those 25 years of our marriage and I really cannot fathom how he and I would, or why we would, get back together.  He says he thinks were a pretty good couple and he thinks we can repair it.  I have finally settled things with myself and realize he and I should never be together again.  I have come to terms that if I am going to have a partner in my life I am going to have to meet someone new and go through all of that.

Evil Spawn may change.  I really can't see it.  But he COULD change and that would be nice.  However, I really feel like there has been too much damage and I do not know, either, how he would ever regain my trust.  He does the same destructive decision making over and over and I do not want to be collateral damage anymore...nor do I want to be the janitor and clean up his messes.

I am thinking part of his buttering me up is to take care of the aftermath of his bad decisions.  And if I did that, he would be nice to me for a while out of obligation, then he would start in with the criticism and emotional abuse.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

As I see it now, at some point he will get the Thug out of his apartment, he will spend Christmas with the kids and visit his family, then, when the holidays are over, he will begin to feel lonely again and meet someone new.

OR he may never move Thug out of his apartment and just stay in that situation.

Either way, it is his life and I am moving on with mine.  I have been having this strong feeling within me that when Spring rolls around, someone new will enter my life.  I can wait.  I have my job to keep me busy.  I will also pray that my job will still be there for me next year.  I do not trust  the company either.  BUT God brought me this job and He will help me through.

I prayed about this Evil Spawn situation and I really think God has opened my eyes.  That is my answer.  ES will not be my partner anymore.

Professional Work Environment

55 years old.  Oh well.  Happy Birthday...who says? Why does it HAVE to be HAPPY?  Why can't it be BORING...Boring Birthday to me! ha ha!

I am still liking my job.  Got into a new phase where I have to 'chase' the families to make them do what they are supposed to do.  Interesting fact...they will ignore you and not answer email or the phone UNTIL I send them 'the evil email'...the one that tells them that if they do not contact me in 24 hours, withdrawal proceedings will begin.  If that happens, the state is notified that the students are no longer enrolled in a school system...then there will be local truancy officers banging on their door and the social workers will get involved....woo...hoo.

I was paired with our school social worker.  This is what happens when you offer to help with 'the load' because you feel you aren't working enough.

In other hot news...

I have finally come to some 'terms' with Evil Spawn.  I got tired of the 'apologies'.  I realize he is just wanting somewhere to run and dive into...like before.  So, just to make things quieter and easier for everyone concerned, I told him I would work with him on finding a way to be 'friends'.  He says that if we can do that, then perhaps we may find our way back to being a couple again.  I am not seeing that happening.  I have no interest.

He said, "I married you for a reason."  BUT the phrase, "You divorced me for a reason" keeps playing through my head.  I may not be doing GREAT right now but things are calmer.  I am in control of my own life (well, technically GOD is...but you know what I mean...).  However, he wants to be able to come see his kids for the holidays and it would be easier if I could learn to get along with him.  I don't want to have uncomfortable holidays.  Plus...I really do not like walking around being angry and bitchy.

Can't Seem to Get it Right

Thanks to Karen kicking me butt (ouch)...well, it was a gentle nudge...I finally got back on the elliptical.  I also did some smarter eating today and logged into an online app that keeps track of your calories, sugar, fat, etc.  I only did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which I thought was pretty good considering I haven't really done much in the last couple of years.

Evil Spawn told me in an email yesterday that he still loved me and he thought we were right for each other.  He said he just wanted to fix things and move on.  I really don't know how to interpret that.  I am really not giving it any thought because I am hoping he meant that he wanted to fix the mess he is in now and then move on with his life...in a different direction.

Today he texted me and asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  I texted back, "I didn't buy you anything for yours.  and besides...we're divorced"  Guess he forgot.  My son said, "He is being so weird!"  I guess that's the word for it.

He's still Evil Spawn.

I did good today.  There is a half of a homemade Boston Cream Pie sitting on my counter...it was my son's birthday cake.  I refrained from having some for breakfast.  Then I went to the Walmart store and walked right down the aisle with the ice cream and frozen pies.  I did not stop or hesitate.  I came out with not one of those items in my basket.  I also did not grab a soda out of the cooler.  I bought a Pineapple/Mango juice instead.  I also did not grab a candy bar while waiting in the check out line.  None of those things are anything I really do anyway...well, I have been known to grab a candy bar once in a very great while.  But, you know, when you tell yourself you are going to eat smarter and exercise, all of the sudden your brain wants to play devil's advocate and convince you that you suddenly can't live without any of that stuff.

We had stuffed crust bacon cheeseburger pizza for dinner but I ate one piece.  I filled up on a mixed vegetable medly of green beans, yellow beans and carrots.  All cooked (not a raw carrot fan).  I LOVE eating vegetables and do not know why I let sugar get in their way.

No wine except as a treat on the weekends. Even then, it will be one glass. (how will I ever do THAT?!?)  I hope that doesn't end up being the one thing that knocks me off the wagon.

So far this month I have baked a lemon meringue pie for Brittany's bday, a pumpkin spice cheesecake for my daughter's bday, and the Boston Cream Pie for my son's bday.  I think we can refrain from any type of goodies for my bday next week.

I have nothing planned for my bday.  It is a Monday night.  I MIGHT be able to rent Pitch Perfect 2 on the cable OnDemand movie channel!  OOOOOOO!  Pitch Perfect 2 and...what shall I eat for my bday?  KFC!  Chicken pot pie!!!  I know...sounds lame...and it would be too many calories anyway.  Spaghetti.  With meatballs.  yep.  That's the ticket.  Spaghetti and Meatballs and Pitch Perfect 2.

I really know how to party.

Holds Water like a Sieve

I was feeling  anxious today.  I was examining all the money that will need to go out in the next few weeks because of various things.  It's life.

Another source of anxiety is the change in my job.  I would be okay with it except the Leads keep telling us how everyone is working so hard to iron things out...be patient.  And my co-workers all seem like they are falling apart over the change.  Our teams have been blown apart into 3 different sections and the section I am in is really no section at all since we will be primarily working on our own. 

To top it off, Evil Spawn called me.  He told me some things about Thug Life and that situation that changes the story a bit more...again...again it makes him sound like a bit of a victim...and I just listen and think that he is really stupid in one of two ways: 1) that he got into this, or, 2) he thinks I  going to swallow it and feel sorry for him.

I just get more aggravated.  His reasons he had told be before, that he had for divorcing me was:
A)  I became complacent and gained weight,
B)  I didn't get a job,
C)  I didn't show him enough affection.

Here's the problems:
A)  the woman he took up with is not only over weight, she is homely besides.
B)  I told him once the kids were out of school I would get a job...which I did.
C)  he didn't hug me or show me much affection either.

He is a moron.  He didn't appreciate someone who was there for him, no matter what...put my family before myself...did not spend his money on me, and me alone...conducted myself with class...gave him every reason to trust me...

I didn't give him any drama. 

Tonight is one of those nights when I really needed to feel loved...that someone was there for me.  And I don't know what I did to deserve being alone.

Never a Dull Moment

Yesterday I got a lot of emails from Evil Spawn.  They reminded me of someone trying to ease himself into the pool...first stick the end of a toe in...pull it back...then put the foot in...leave it there...then the other foot...then start slowly putting more and more of yourself into the water.

He started out with, again, his apology.  This time with a  different tack (after I told him it isn't an apology if he is still blaming someone else).  He went on about how it WAS his choices...he made bad ones.

Each email was a bit more...a bit further. Somewhere in there he told me he still loved me...he thinks I am beautiful...and he made a mistake when he denied things he said..then he instantly backed up and admitted, well, he DID say it but he never really thought it.

I woke up feeling not so good to begin with.  By this point I was ready to spew.

I think the thing that really KILLED it was the "I am going to straighten myself out.  I need to do some spring cleaning and I will be that guy you used to love."  "The divorce was a mistake."  (I'm thinking no)

sigh...(head banging on the desk)

He is just wanting someone to prop him up.  He is feeling stressed out, tied up in a knot, and alone.  This too shall pass.  And he WILL put himself together, then go out there and find another.  It would be at that point where he would start criticizing me again (because that was what took the place of picking up another one).  He would be wanting to go out and find another one but he realized he was 'stuck' with me so he would take it out on me.

I just told him that the ones he REALLY needs to try and work things out with is his kids.  I don't care what Thug Life said about me or to me.  I knew she was a pile of crap so I didn't expect any different.  BUT he let her malign his kids and he told them that he was sorry if they didn't like her but they would either come to accept her or too bad.  It was none of their business.

I am not sure how he would go about rebuilding that house.  I can walk away from him, and that is fine.  But these are his kids.  He hurt them.  He has NEVER thought about how what he did or said made them feel.  Nor did he seem to care.

I told him he really needs to seek counseling.  He has a lot of crap swimming around in his head from his childhood and teenage abuse.  HOWEVER, that doesn't buy him a free ride of more chances.  He has been given lots of chances and he has squandered them.  He does not get an endless supply.

I didn't hear anything out of him today.  It was Bethany's bday.  He DID call her and he told her that he sent her an email.  Bethany said evidently he sent it to her old email address and she can't get into it.  I told her she should text her new email address to him.  Only if she wants to read the email. 

I did take a video of everyone around the table as she opened her presents and cards.  I sent it to Beth's phone and told her it was her choice if she wants to share it with her dad. I don't know where she is with him.

In the meantime, I am getting anxious because just as I was getting comfortable with my job the way it was, it is changing and I have a whole new bunch of things to learn.

I am thankful for my job.   I honestly am.  I am just not feeling very well. 

When do things get calm and boring again?

The Peter Pan Syndrome?

I had to text Evil Spawn today about a Dental Coverage question concerning our son.  He was very nice to me and then he told me he sent a copy of the coverage to my email.  I was really busy with my job but I remembered to look at the end of my office hours.

Then I found it ...an email with what I first thought was an apology.  How he missed me...the kids. How he was sorry...

But then I realized, being true to form, he was actually sorry for what he ALLOWED 'her' to do...she fooled him, she came between us and his family, etc.

Again...NEVER swallowing the blame for his own actions/choices.  It really aggravated me!  WHEN will he EVER grow UP?  I sent him back an email telling him that I am able to own my faults/choices.  I give myself credit for being an adult and having sense enough to know better. 

I told him that IF he can ever be adult enough to own up to his choices and not blame it on anyone else, I MIGHT listen to his apology. 

I also told him  that someday some guy will thank him for letting me go. 

I am also getting tired of the drama brought into my house by the son's fiancée.  She really needs to do some growing up.  I raised MY kids.  She needs to quit making my son feel badly about everything he says or does...trying to make him feel bad about having feelings about things. She needs to appreciate and not expect.  I should not have to support someone else's kid!  She may be 22 but she mostly acts like 12. 

sigh.

I am not a perfect person.  No one is. BUT I DO have a big heart and I will put others before myself most of the time. 

I am just getting tired of the footprints on my back!

Inner GPS

Calm.  That is what I am settling into...the best I can.

Evil spoke to his son yesterday and told him he is feeling somewhat better.  He moved his stuff out of Thug's step mother's house and into private storage.  He told Thug it wasn't a breakup, just a 'step back' but apparently she wasn't fooled by it and did not take it well...whatever that means.  I don't care.  All I was concerned with was whether or not he was getting better, health wise.  I got confirmation of that so...I am done.

He will find out, now, what it is really like not to have me in his life.  I am not doing it for any reason...no mind games, etc.  I am just getting on with my life and enjoying not having to put up with his stupid decisions and his drama.

I am now working on my life.  It is a weird feeling to get used to...working on me, and only me.

It is like having constricted breathing for years and suddenly the breathing passages open up.  I will no longer have someone following me around telling me all that I am doing wrong.  Even my worst moments could not compare to the stuff he did.

I will not be anchored to someone who would rather be anywhere but home.  I will no longer sit here and wonder what is so awful about me that he does not want to spend his time with me.

I am excited for my future.  I am loving my job, and will move up the scale.  Even if I do not get a teaching job with OHVA, I can move up the ladder with k12 in other capacities.  I am in a great place right now.

Personal relationships will happen.  God will guide me in the right direction when it is time.

How Deep is Your Naivete?

I am glad that my job keeps me so busy.  I am glad that my kids are old enough that I don't HAVE to cook for them, do their laundry, dress them, supervise them (for the most part)...and I can work so much because of that.

I need to keep my mind occupied.  When it is not, things in my life swirl around in my head like a kaleidoscope picture...the parts moving around and when it stops you get a different view.  And that is when the 'fun' begins.  I sometimes gain a better understanding of the parts...or just get a new 'aha' moment...or just a realization sets in.

I had some down time yesterday.  My case load was a bit light this week.  I worked 2-12 hour days on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday I just had to send out enrollment verifications for some students, assign some to prinicipals, and fill in my spreadsheet for the school data gatherers.  Friday, I did not have much of anything to do until about 2:30 when she assigned me my next case load...and, boy, did she dump a pile on me!  That just means I am going to be VERY busy Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

But the down time I had yesterday...left time for the pieces parts of my entire life to shift around and give me some realization.  Or maybe it was just give what I already kinda knew a bold face type with an underline.  

I grew up in a way that was so very perfect.  Well, not perfect, but pretty great.  My parents spoke intelligently without the use of profanity.  We lived in a quiet, well kept, neighborhood with plenty of kids to play with.  I was able to ride my bike around the neighborhood and there was an ice cream/mini golf place just a short bike ride away from home.  There was a corner convenience store (before they called them 'convenience store') with a meat counter (the guy that owned the place was a butcher) and a candy counter.   Mom would give us kids a nickel sometimes and we would think we were RICH.  We would high tail it to the candy counter and buy Bazooka bubble gum, or nickel nips, or wax lips, or twizzlers, etc.

Our church, that we attended every Sunday, was a few houses down the road.  I was shirt tail relation to most of the people that went there (one of my shirt tail cousins is now a pretty well known children's chapter book author...his stories based off of his life growing up on a farm in a small town).

When I was a teenager, my friends and I would ride our bikes down to the beach and stay for the day...after we finished our chores.  We lived in a town that was on the shore of Lake Erie.  It was great.  We would take our allowances and stop at the Red Barn for cokes and fries.  When we got driver's licenses, we would gather at the Dairy Queen or the Public Dock for frisbee and under age drinking...something that I didn't do...honestly, I didn't.

My parents worked hard and our house was one of the prettier ones in town.  They didn't have a lot of money but they could stretch a quarter.  They managed to save enough to buy a really nice motorhome.  Every couple of years, they would pack all of us in it and off we would go.  One summer we were gone for 3 weeks.  We traveled up to Mt. Rushmore, through Yellowstone Park, down the coast of California, stopped to visit with my Aunt Wilma and Uncle Starr (both died from cancer less than a decade later), toured through San Francisco, stopped at the Grand Canyon, Virginia City, Las Vegas, and a few other places before making it back to our little Ohio town.

Most of our trips were to Florida...the Keys, Miami, Orlando, etc.  My dad's parents were down there from November to April and my mom had a sister that lived there.  We would always take a day to park on the beach at Daytona.  You can't do that anymore, from what I understand.  It was GREAT!

I guess where I am going with this is to give you all some idea what my life was like.  Pretty drama-less and happy.

Then I met Evil Spawn.  His life was anything but drama-less and happy.  Being married to me the only drama he had was the drama he created.  And he is still creating it.

I have realized that I do not and will not understand how anyone would always drift towards having that kind of a mess of drama in their life.  But he seems to and had I known that that is a real 'thing' that people do, then I would not have married him.

I was, and to a certain point still am, naive.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

So, not this last weekend, but the weekend before...the last weekend of August...I woke up on Sunday morning, opened up my email and there was a notification that Thug Life had sent me a connection request on my LinkedIn.  I sent a text to Evil Spawn and told him what she had done and I told him she is certifiable and it would be a cold day in hell...but she would deny it...again.

I would have gone on my merry way BUT...he did something that raised a big fat red flag...he apologized!!! He said, I am so sorry. You do not deserve any of this.  I am still in Tucson when I get home I will put an end to it for good.

Huh.  So, I mentioned it to Karen.  She, being the great friend that she can be, went to Thug Life's FB page and copied the rant she was having...with MY NAME smack dab in the middle of it...and sent me a copy.  I read it and wow...she was angry at EVERYONE!  She ranted about Evil's whole family ad how she had blocked them alllll....and on and on.

I sent it to him.  Then he called me and explained how when he had gone to Canada, he found out his Iphone was connected to his Ipad (both company equipment) and she discovered this also.  He  had left the Ipad in his apartment, she had a key to the place and was there while he was gone, and followed his phone calls and texts while he was away.  She saw every text he had sent to me and any phone call to his kids or me.  I do not recall a phone call from/to him.

So,..now back to The Sunday...he called me at one time during the day and I was busy.  So I tried to call him back and I got, "This phone is no longer accepting calls from this number."  Bethany had just gotten home from work so I asked to borrow her phone.  I called him and the call went through.  He was surprised that it was me.  I told him why I didn't answer his call and then told him that I got the message that his phone was no longer accepting calls from my phone.  He says, :"Oh REEEEEEAAALLLY?"  She had figured out how to block me from his phone...because HE HAD LEFT HIS IPAD AT HOME AGAIN!  I went off on him...about his stupidity!

We figured out that she had hacked into his personal AND business email.  He had dinner with his boss that night and had to let his boss know about the Ipad unlock and email hack.  That must have been some conversation!

Even better...she could get into his apartment and he had guns and ammo in there,..not all under lock and key.  AND the stuff that he came here to get Memorial Day weekend he had stored at Thug's step mom's house.

Bonus...he tells me she is bipolar and abuses her meds.  shocker.  I felt like he was walking into a real nasty set up.

So,.. he got home that following Tuesday and found out she had totally moved into his apartment,  She gave up HER place.

I left my house Thursday night to go to visit my parents and spend some weekend time with my friend Jackie.  TJ called me Thursday night while I was driving to tell me that he had called his dad to find out if he was alive or dead.  He said 'dad' was home sick and had been since he got home from Tucson.  He had been sitting for days trying to remember all of his accounts and passwords and changing them all.  He had called the bank and ordered a new card.

Today, Bethany says she got a call from him yesterday and he told her that he discovered about her moving in.  He tried to break it off with her, she took a bunch of pills and drove off,  She ended up rear ending someone and she can't afford to fix her car so she is still in his apartment.

On top of that, she had to take HIM to the ER...he had an awful pain in his stomach, lower back, and his vision started going blurry.  He was terribly dehydrated and has some sort of bug on top of it...but the hospital did not know what it is.  So they gave him 2 shots and some pills.  He has been home sleeping a lot. He says he can't stay awake.

I just wonder if he does have a bug...or there is something going into him...without his knowledge.

I might not jump to that conclusion but she is nuts.

He has really really got himself into a deep pile of doo.  I pray for his safety and health.  I also pray that he does not lose his job.

I, in the meantime, realized that during her two separate rants about me was her going off because her feelings were hurt.  She had gone through his email and he had saved every email I sent him and she read all of the things I had said to him about her...including the warnings.  So, I apologized to HIM about it.  I had no right to say anything to him about her or his life choices.  And this is the truth.

It is not about what she said about me...that is her problem.  I don't care what she says because I don't know her.  It means nothing to me.  I just had to apologize for my wrong doing.

I have come to understand a lot of things about him and his choices through all of this.  AND I also came to realize that I do not love him in any way.  Not even a little bit.  I don't hate him...I just do not want anything more to do with him.  I will pray for him and hope his journey will take him into a better direction and into safety.

The end of a long, stress filled road.

And even though I am putting in really long hours at my job, I love it still.  I am happy with my chaotic home life.  It is chaotic but we love each other and it is working.  I am not interested in adding anyone else to my life right now.  It will get there someday perhaps.

Non-stop Everything

This job is taking A LOT of my time.  Yesterday, other than the hour and a half that I took to make a run to the bank and grocery stop, I was at my computer from 8 a.m. to 10:30 p.m.  I have not been able to do just 8-5 for weeks.  The closest I came to that was I shut down at 5:30 last Friday because I was meeting a friend for dinner (a woman from my bible study class that is school speech therapist and is also divorced).  Then I worked my butt off (tho, sadly, not literally) out in the yard for 2 days.

TJ went to NYC for a week with a 'friend' of his.  His fiancee and I were worried about the whole thing.  This 'friend' is a guy he has 'known' for YEARS from Xbox live.  They have talked to each other endlessly and shared life stories, daily life, etc.  They are both wrestling geeks...WWE, NXT, etc.  And there was going to be an extravaganza of wrestling shows in NYC.  The trip turned out fairly well.  He got to see A LOT.  He enjoyed himself except he said it turned out his 'friend' has his dad's (Evil Spawn's) personality.  He was happy to get home...especially since he missed his plane and had to be rebooked.  He was supposed to come in at 4.  I was supposed to leave for my conference at 3.  I waited until he was on his new connecting flight out of Charlotte...5:30 pm.

To be fair, we got more work shoved at us Tuesday morning and I was hustling to finish it up to a good point where I could pick it up Friday morning.  So, getting out of here until after he got his butt in a plane seat in Charlotte was not that much of a hardship for me.  I was on my way before he got home.  I got the text when he landed.  I 'landed' an hour and half later.

I cannot say I liked where we had our conference.  It was the length of AT LEAST 3 football fields and I had to walk 2 of them just to get ANYWHERE.  It was a big damn water park resort full of people.  I HATE chaos.  And I froze the whole time I was there.

And the team I am on...the Family Academic Success Liaisons...eat ALL the time!  Breakfast, tons of snacks, lunch, more snacks, appetizers, dinner, dessert.  They were constantly passing around food.  I just said, "no thanks.  I ate breakfast" "no thanks, lunch is soon" "no thanks, I just ate lunch"  "no thanks, I am waiting for my dinner order" "no thanks, I am full from dinner"  I do not know why they don't all weigh 500 lbs.

Then I got home and worked the next day...ALL DAY.

My mother said, "so that job that you wanted and you said you loved is turning out not to be so wonderful after all."

Yes...I STILL love it.  It is a lot of work right now, but I love it all the same.  I am eyeing moving into a teaching position at some point (they get paid better too) but I still love my job.  Just because it can be long hours, it won't always be this way,.  It is the beginning of school and we are working to get these kids and their parents hooked up and ready to begin classes.  After that, it is a matter of keeping them on track.

I am very thankful for my job.  I am not complaining about the long hours.  I am just stating facts as to how long I am working.

Brittany is having a 'time' with her job but she is like me...she is thankful for the job and it is working with kids, which is what she wanted.  Not all daycare centers are like the poorly run one attached to my church.  She is getting experience and she knows she can use that experience to go somewhere else someday.

I am trying to do some things around the house as I can.  Tomorrow I shall try and get the paver patio area sprayed so that I can put in the pavers.  I might even spray it tonight.  Then I can put the pavers down in the evening.  The firepit is going to be a challenge.  But I can do it!  LOL

I just might post pictures of my finished office and the finished patio.  The patio is something Evil Spawn promised to do for many summers.  But, like everything else...it never happened.

I sat here this morning thinking about my house...MY house.  There is a lot to do, mostly cosmetic. And I might feel badly about calling it MY house...just because I got to keep it in the divorce.  I know he is thinking it is more his than mine since it was HIS paycheck that paid for it BUT I have realized that I earned it just as well.  I packed and followed him over and over.  I put up with his addictions, helped pick him up when he fell, I raised the kids and took care of everything else in our lives...all he had to do was do his paying gig.  I did everything else...including putting up with his verbal abuse.

Nope, I think I earned this house.  And MAYBE someday there will be a nice guy in my life.  I am not really ready for another relationship yet but I can visualize him.  God will give me who/what I need at the right time.  I am even more convinced of it since I got the job I wanted at just the absolute right time.

God is good...and I hope I will never forget that.