SMH

I was doing good with my job today.  I finally got my data base tweaked to where it works like I need it too.  I have all the info I need right in one place.  No more opening up multiple pages of student info just to find out all what I need to know.  I had a meeting with my lead.  She went down through my students and because I had my handy dandy database up and tweaked it took me no time at all to answer her questions which saved lots of time.  Meeting short, sweet and to the point.

In the last 2 days I have had to go back and educate 2 different families in how things work and what they are doing wrong.

I am in communication overload.  So what am I doing on here?  Well...let me tell you.

I got a call in the latter part of the afternoon from my ex MIL.  I thought it was unusual because she doesn't really call me.  Why should she?  I hesitated and contemplated...but ultimately I answered it.  She told me that Troy (The Darkness) asked her to call me and tell me that he REALLY needed  me to call him and that it was really important that he speak with me.  She said that he said it is something VERY important.  I told her, "it better be an emergency."  She didn't say anything.  I sighed and said, "fine"  We chit chatted a bit.  Then I called him.

I will tell you what...he is totally out of his mind.

He started to tell me how all the things he said to me last Thursday and Friday were not 'real'.  He was not back with her..he just was saying that stuff because he was having a difficult time with her and she owed him money.  But now he has his money and she is totally gone from his life and will never be in it again.  Sorry he hurt me...knows we can't get back together...but wants to be 'friends'.

Here's the thing...I have been wrangling with the 'forgiveness' part.  I wrote about that in a previous post.  But then, I listened to a sermon by James MacDonald about forgiveness.  He said, "you can forgive and not be an enabler."  And the way he explained it gave me that 'aha' moment.  It went along with my 'aha' moment where I realized I had no reason to have him in my life anymore...I didn't have to communicate with him.  So, I can forgive him but not give him anymore chances to do it again.  Yep...I can handle that.

I have also been training myself not to go back and think about the past...the wrongs, the rights...it is all the past.  Move on. Do not dig up and carry around that old sack of rotten potatoes anymore.  God put this thought into my head:  those 25 years of marriage to him were miserable BUT they weren't totally wasted years because I have LOTS of great memories with my kids.  I AM grateful for his financial support so that I could stay home with them and raise them and do so many great things with them.

Now...back to the conversation.  I told him that I do not know if I can be friends with him ever.  I told him that he lied to me so many times, changed his story, manipulated me that I did not trust a word out of his mouth and frankly I just did not want to deal with it anymore.  I told him that he told me he just wanted to make a life so go make it. I am trying to make a life for myself.  I told him that he had told me after the divorce that I needed to quit communicating, get over it and move on.

He said, "Well, that wasn't all me."  I just skipped right over that.  He is a grown ass man.  He should be able to make up his own mind.  He is still trying to blame everyone else around him for all that happened and for his decisions.

Then when he realized I wasn't giving in and softening up, he started to get aggravated about something that I pointed out that he had done in our marriage...towards our son, more than once...that caused me to lose respect for him. He was trying to rewrite history and, of course, true to form, get me to believe my memory of events was skewed.  He was getting angry and I abruptly said, "Well, you are getting angry, this conversation is over.  I will see you Christmas.  Good bye."  and hung up.

I am NOT taking the block off my phone.  I am NOT taking the blocks off of my emails.  He can sit and stew in his own juice.

He kept saying that he knew I was angry and thought of him as the enemy. To which I said, "I am not angry. I don't think of you as the enemy.  I just don't care and I don't think of you."

I am not doing or saying this to hurt him.  I just want him to leave. He divorced me.  I felt badly for no reason.  I am over it all now and I can have a better life.  And if I end up never having anyone else in my life, then so be it.  If I end up living in a one room hovel by myself, then so be it.  It is my life to work with and I would rather be without him than with him.