A Different Angle

I must admit I have a problem with forgiveness in some situations.

How do you forgive someone that you have had some sort of relationship with for many, many years...you know them, you care about them, you trust them, they know your secrets...and then they do something hurtful, ON PURPOSE.

I am not just speaking of Evil Spawn.  I am talking about ANY relationship, including family members.

I know you have to work on it...pray about it.  The hardest part of forgiveness is not being able to forget it.  Is it really forgiving if you still remember it and it conjures hurt everytime?

It also sometimes seems like if you forgive, it is like telling yourself that these people should be given another chance that may result in them hurting you again.

I have come to this conclusion about that:  You should turn the other cheek but it does not mean to stand close enough to let them slap the other one.

Can you forgive and still not trust?  Trust and forgiveness are 2 different things.  I can forgive yet not be able to trust that person again...and for good reason.  You do NOT have to give that person another chance to abuse you/hurt you.

You can forgive and walk away.

So, yes, now bringing this back to Evil Spawn.  I have been struggling with forgiving him.  If I forgive him does that mean I am saying it is okay what he did and that I value myself very little?

No.  He has his faults.  He is not like me.  I was not perfect and I was not the best wife either.  I complained a lot.  I felt hurt by him a lot and I got tired of arguing with him over everything so I was kind of passive aggressive in my dealings also.

And right now, here are the conclusions I have come to:

1) I did not make him happy.  He did not make me happy.  We shouldn't have had to MAKE each other happy but because our lives were not exactly what we wanted, we blamed it on each other.

2) I am not sure we could have ever rectified that.  We may have always been a bad match and we needed to be with someone else.

3) He has become very anxious.  What I mean by that is he is unable to deal with the conflicts of life.  If it is something that he must battle with, he shuts right down.  He used to face things head on...until he would feel overloaded then he would shut down and find the closest exit point.  It made no difference to him if it caused problems for anyone else because he was so overwhelmed.
I would have understood and been able to deal IF he had been able to admit it to me AND if, after it was 'over', he did not act as if nothing happened and picked at all of us around him as if we are the screw ups.

4) He is still pushing things off and acting as if HE if just fine but everyone and everything around him are what is messing up his happiness.

5) I can forgive him...yet it makes me feel like I am telling myself that I don't matter.  I have to pray for wisdom on how to reconcile that.  I also know that by forgiving him it does not mean I am saying I want him back in my life all the way.  He will always be there to a certain extent because of the kids, but I don't want him all the way back in.  I believe we are a bad fit.  I may not find anyone else to share my life...ever...but I will deal with that on a day to day basis.

I need more prayer time.  I need to accept him for who he is, and forgive what he has done.  I also need to believe that I am not short changing myself in the process.