Closing the Gap

I know a lot of people thought that allowing my ex to visit for the Christmas holiday was a big mistake.  And I began to wonder about it myself.  However, it turned out to be what I needed.

It started out as me just being nice.  I thought it would be good to have that one last altogether 'family' Christmas.  TJ and Brittany will be moving out 2 weeks after Christmas.  In probably 2 more years Bethany will be moving out.  Heaven knows where their dad will be or who he will be with.  I may find someone and remarry.  OR, fate may have other things in store.

As it turned out, and I am sure God did this for me, their dad spent the night Friday night.  It was actually 2 a.m. in the morning when he showed up.  He was supposed to stop briefly Friday night to leave off presents and then continue on his journey to his mom's.  He was working in Illinois for the week.  But he texted me to let me know he ended up working a much longer day than anticipated Friday and did not leave Illinois until about 10 p.m.  He wanted to know if he could crash for the night.

Since our son and his fiancee had already left earlier that evening to go up to see his grandparents, I told his dad he could stay in TJ's room.  I had not had the chance to set up the futon in the study/guestroom yet, since I had not planned on him being here until Christmas Eve.

It was the next morning that things were said and happened that gave me another 'aha' moment.  Or maybe a bunch of little ones.  To make a long story short....I am done.  I don't know what I was feeling badly about or guilty about or trying to hang on to.  He irritates the ever living stuffening out of me because, after not being around him for so long then having to be around him, it made some things glaringly obvious...he is very immature.  An immature narcissist.  Perhaps that statement is redundant.

He is 50 years old and he says he doesn't know what he wants.  Oddly enough, that was the first thing my ex pastor's wife said to me about him when he divorced me, "I don't think he even knows what he wants."  I do know what he doesn't want and it is plain that he never did want it...to be married.  He is no good with relationships.  For years I thought it was me that was not good with relationships but...no.

That's all the knowledge I need about all of this.  I am no longer conflicted or feel guilty or sorrowful about it.  I am ready to move on and date and see if I can find that guy.

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On another note...I am proud of myself.  I put a new fan in my main bathroom.  I repainted the walls and the baseboards.  I put in new tile.  The only thing left to do is replace the fan switch with a timer switch.  That is happening today.  yay me!  I did it all myself.!!!  I did!  I did!  LOL!!!

Now to put up the new window treatments in my living room and hang pictures.  Then next week I will paint my office, rearrange it and make and hang the new curtains.

Today is the first day of vacation.  I am going to bake cookies and vacuum and steam clean my floors.  I was up really early though with lower back pain from bending over and cutting tile last night.  I iced and took a pain pill.  Now I want a nap.  And guess what?  I am going to give me one.