Having the ex here even for a Christmas finally put the lid on things...and screwed it down tight.
He sat in the livingroom on Christmas day texting with the new 'interest of the minute'. When he is all alone, no woman after him, he would be so sweet to me and butter me up. I know when someone else comes along. I told him that the communication between us is over. I want a fresh start and he being in my life only makes me anxious and ornery. He quickly agreed with it...because he is on the verge of a new relationship. If this one goes south, he will be trying to make nice with me again. It may be a few months down the road, a year...whatever...but I have closed the door. I got a belly full of him. He is acting like a 20 year old jerk.
It isn't like I don't remember those 25 years. Of course, he tries to turn the tables and put the blame on me. It is what he has always done...put the blame on someone else. I don't know why it never dawned on me before to wonder just how awful his childhood really was? How much of it did he twist and turn to make it sound like he was abused by so many in so many ways?
I am not going to sit and think about it or try and figure it out. It no longer concerns me and the only way he is going to have a long lasting relationship is if he hooks up with some woman that dishes back out to him what he gives her.
I have to remind myself why I stayed with him...for my kids. So that they wouldn't have to be left alone with him every other weekend...so that I would be here with them all the time to step in when he got bad. In the end, I got what I wanted and the bonus is that he is 3 states and a 12 hour car ride away.
I guess you could say that I got my closure.
The difficult part is changing my way of thinking. My world is changing a lot. He is gone and my son will soon be moving out and living his adult life...learning how to budget and pay bills, etc. I pray for his success and safety.
My big house will be getting empty. I don't know why I need all of these rooms. It was great for a while when we first moved in. The kids had plenty of room for friends, Darkness has his own office space, I had my sunroom, the dogs have lots of room to roam. Now there will be Bethany and me. Darkness' office serves as a guest room/study room. I have my own office. The family room has become a room for the dogs. I utilize the livingroom. There is a diningroom that will seldom be used...no more family and friends around the table. And an empty bedroom downstairs. Actually two empty bedrooms downstairs but I am going to use one for storage.
If it wasn't for the dogs, I would downsize now. I would sell the house, rent something smaller for Bethany and I until she is out of college then I will move back up towards my family and get a condo.
I will most likely still have the dogs. That is going to be a problem. sigh.
I have been watching "Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce". Most of it is crap but tonight it really got into the feelings...the lopsided part of divorce. Last week the main character and her almost ex decided to give it another try but found out that the problems they had before, personality clashes, were still there and they could not figure out how to change it. So they parted. As one of the divorced women said, 'It is the residual feelings after the divorce that you don't know what to do with.' Another one's ex husband had another woman in his life that sobered him up and cleaned him up and he told his ex wife that the new wife made him a better person. That is kind of an 'ouch'. Then you wonder why he couldn't be that person when he was with you. Is it because you married when he was this other broken down person and you took him as he was? You didn't try to change him? All along he wanted someone to kick him in the pants and make him change?
I can be a better person than I have been married to Darkness. I can be that self assured, kind, helpful person I was before I married him...the one that thought she was worth something. I just need to unearth her and dust her off and reintroduce myself. I was adventurous and fun loving. I have become a fat, listless, lump.
I can do things. Things need fixed, etc...I figure out how to do it. I have always been that way mainly because I know I am smart enough to figure things out and I never had the patience or trust to leave it up to someone else. I liked the idea that I was independent. On the flip side...I would so very much love a guy that would step in and say, "I know you CAN do it, but you don't have to do it. I will do it for you." Or the guy that will step in and say, "I know you are strong and capable, but you don't have to be so strong all of the time. I will help." Darkness's attitude was that since I COULD do it, I SHOULD do it. He didn't need to be here. I love how he has said so many times, "I felt like I was just a paycheck." Well, you could have been more but you never tried. I had to do everything else so why shouldn't you at least be a paycheck?
Or, the infamous, "I needed more sex. I wanted to be hugged...touched." My answer to that? Give me a reason. Make ME feel like you actually love me.
The thing is...he didn't love me. He never treated me like I was someone worth his time...unless he wanted sex. Now he can try and get it somewhere else. Even sex with him was mostly one sided. Thinking back, he was one of the worst sex partners I ever had.
He is so selfish that even that bipolar nut job he was with last year made comments about him on her FB page. He doesn't know what real love is. He is too selfish and self centered. He only does things if he wants to be told how great he is and wants pats on the back. If he does something that someone tells him is great, he goes around telling everyone about it. He told all of us, one at a time, about the dinner he cooked for his mom and her husband and how much they loved it and wanted the recipe. He was there 3 full days and 2 half days. He cooked them one meal and he had to tell us all, one at a time, how much they loved his dinner.
He would buy some new car, or gadget, and have to take it around to every one of his family members and friends and show it off and brag about it. TJ and Bethany said it was very embarrassing. I have never done that. Even when I got a new vehicle, I never told anyone. I got it for me...because I needed it. I would stop, eventually, to see a family member or friend and they would say, "is that a new car?" and want to look at it. They would ask me questions and I would answer them then finally get them away from it and by then THEY told ME how much they liked my car. No one knows the gadgets I have bought myself or what I really have in my house. I bought things I wanted for me. No one really cares or needs to know. My kids take after me. They don't tell ppl what they have.
He has a need for attention and admiration. I didn't give him either. I knew to pat him on the back A LOT when he did do something so that I might get him to help out again later. But that didn't always work either. I just didn't count on him for much. The fact that he put a ceiling fan in the livingroom and did it right was amazing enough. The fact that he built a fence around the backyard was another VERY amazing feat. There are things that need to be fixed on it now but it isn't anything he did wrong...it is just what it is.
He actually got out and helped with the landscaping one year but that was mostly because he wanted it to look nice when the family came to visit. Which they did when Bethany graduated.
I have many things to do outside and inside and I can get them done. I watch 'Rehab Addict'. She is a little woman and she can do things! LOL I am much larger around than she is but maybe if I keep busy I can be little like her.
My daughter tells me she is going to help me eat healthy and be more energetic. We'll see. It would be nice.
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