Letting Go of Habits

Christmas is tough.  When I was a kid growing up at home, Christmas meant decorating not only the house but the church as well.  Then there was the many many Christmas program practices.  Even when I was a teenager, we practiced with the adult chorus and I played in the orchestra as well.

It was the Nativity Christmas story over and over. Sometimes, there was a little bit of a Christmas play with more modern day characters in it as well.  It was tradition and habit.  It was what I knew. What I could count on.

Then everyone got older, moved away, the church population dwindled.  I got married and moved around.  Things were not like that for my kids.  They learned the Christmas story and I made sure they knew what Christmas was always about.  We eventually found a church for all of us to attend and they learned from them too.

Christmas traditions were more family oriented.  There was the cookie baking each year, packing them up and giving them to friends and neighbors.  They helped me decorate the house.  There was the present shopping and wrapping.  There was even gingerbread houses to be made and they decorated theirs and gave them to their teachers as gifts.  They were always so surprised that anyone made those anymore.  We got pictures from them afterwards of their families 'enjoying' the gingerbread house after Christmas.

But things are different.  The family is blown apart. Soon TJ will be moving out and he and his fiancee will be making their own Christmas traditions.  Then in another 2 years, Bethany will probably be moving on and she and Jordan (?) will make their traditions.

I hate the changes.  They are part of life but I hate them all the same.  I am so glad that I included my kids in so much.  I have lots of great memories.

It is difficult for me to sit here now and try to imagine my future.  I thought I had one I had a foot hold on.  I know that The Darkness and I had problems.  But somehow I saw us still together in the future...no matter how much I complained, I still hung on.  Now my future is faceless...and fuzzy.  I am not even sure if there is anyone there.  People tell me I will find someone but there are no guarantees.  I may not.

The one thing about marriage is I was someone's wife.  I had a husband.  I had a whole family.  I had something to 'work' with.

Don't get me wrong...living with 'crazy' is not a great way to live.  And I know that I imagined a future with him that was better when the truth of the matter is there was not going to be 'better'.

It is not HIM that I am having trouble with as far as letting go...it is the future I had planned in my head.  I am an anxious person and there have been way too many changes in my life. My anxiety makes me seem not so stable myself and I have been criticized for my choices and hanging on to something I shouldn't.  But there are lots of days when it just seems like I am literally holding myself together with rubberbands and chewing gum.   I liked buying this house and settling in it.  I imagined being here for a very long time and having someone to grow old with. The kids would always have a place to visit.

My mother has never truly gotten used to all of us leaving.  Every once in a while she mentions about the economy and she says, "you all might have to move back! We could turn the basement into more bedrooms and we could put in another bathroom."  I am not that bad.  I like seeing my kids grow up and go out into the world.  It is as it should be.  And, yes, I am nervous for them because it is never easy but they can do it.  I am here if they need a shoulder.  And if things get really bad, they know they have somewhere to land for a while.  But, I don't wish them to HAVE to come back.

I think most people seek that comfort zone...place where they can feel stability.  While I have this roof over my head and that should help me feel stability, it is the world around me that is making things feel not so calm.

One day at a time.  I thank God everyday for being there with me through it all and being my leaning post/my comfort zone.  I thank Him for the job I have now.  I needed this.  I know if I just relax and trust He will guide my future and it will all be good.  I just don't know if the future He knows will be good for me includes someone else.