I have several Christian friends that have been dragged through the muck of divorce...spouses that cheated and left them. I have gotten some advice on what to expect, how to navigate, etc.
So, today I am not going to let what he does push my emotional buttons anymore. I am going to distance myself from him as much as possible. And if it all works, if I stay true to the course, and God answers my prayers and I follow scripture...I won't be including him in my blog posts for a while.
I deleted his phone number from my cell phone so that I cannot pick it up and text him whatever my emotions stir up. I put a rubber band around my wrist to snap anytime the thought of him enters my head or I begin to utter something about him from my lips. I have been writing down scripture to guide me and remind me how to get my emotions and actions under control; to remind me who I should be as a Christian; to remind me that God cares about me and loves me and He will give me back my life...the one He has planned for me.
This will be like being addicted to cigarettes for the past 25 years and trying to quit cold turkey. The difference there being those cigarettes can't do anything to you themselves.
I told the kids what I am doing and that it is basically so that I cannot be crazy mom. I told them that they can talk about their dad between them but not to talk to me about him for a while. The only exception is if he does something that is very upsetting TO them, then it is okay if they come to me. I showed them the rubber band. I asked them to forgive me for my past craziness and they just smiled and nodded.
I think I should also force myself out there to join at least one Meet Up group. Find life outside these walls. Perhaps try a new church. I don't know. I need some 'new' that had nothing to do with him.
So, here I go. Say some prayers for me.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Narcissistic Tendencies
I do not know WHERE to begin. I need to go out into the middle of the woods...far, far away from all humanity...and just scream my head off...all the things that I would like to scream in the face of the Narcissistic Asshole from whom I was recently divorced.
To begin with...Christmas morning he decided he was going to Skype with the kids while they opened their presents. I had suggested it about a month ago and he whined that he didn't want to get up that early. I told him he could go back to bed but whatever...why put himself out for the kids. So he decides the day before that he is going to do it. Fine.
I sat to the side and let him have his time with the kids and I didn't have to see him and vice versa. I heard him. Turns out he wasn't there alone. The kids didn't tell me until this morning...the day after Christmas...just so I wouldn't be upset on Christmas Day. I had one day to not feel so badly about him. Although, I will admit the sound of his voice irritated me. And I was feeling past any anger towards him...or any feeling. It was making me feel lighter and happier.
So, it came out. TJ said he was pissed because his dad thinks everyone is so stupid that they wouldn't notice the shadows of someone moving around behind him, that he was whispering over his shoulder, and Bethany saw him hand someone a box. I told TJ that perhaps his dad wanted us to know about her. He seems to think it is more that his dad thinks he is smarter than everyone else and we are all stupid.
I confronted his dad in text about it. At first he got angry and said it is his private business. Then he backed up and said he isn't saying there was anyone there. I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't whispering over his shoulder to himself and handing boxes to ghosts. AND I am pretty sure she didn't just pop up out of nowhere over night. He told me not to jump to conclusions and that I had already made my mind up to what I was going to believe and that it wasn't necessarily right. He was getting mad and I told him I didn't know why he was getting mad. We are divorced and why should he care WHAT I think. I really don't care what he DOES...I just get pissed that he can't tell the truth where a lie will do. Then again, I don't know why I ever expected him to be truthful. I told him I am not planning revenge or anything. I just don't care at all.
Frankly, now that I have been proven right about my suspicions I feel SO much better. I will no longer blame myself about any of it. PLUS, considering how he acted when he visited at Easter time, things he said afterwards, and the week before he suddenly told me he wanted a divorce, I think it is a bit more than just having a gf. I am thinking he got himself into a stupid position. That could be wrong but it is kinda difficult to hide that sort of thing. All I know is I am going to get a quit claim deed done so I can get his name off the deed to this house so that if the skank has reason to take him to court and go after him for money, etc. she won't get her claws into MY house. I am not going to lose out, again, because of his stupidity.
THEN our son looked at the shirts his dad bought him...3 of them...3 bow ties, 3 shirts. The shirts are size large...he tried them on and he was swimming in them. I looked at that and uttered, "WHAT A MORON! WHEN HAVE YOU EVER WORN A SIZE LARGE? IT IS WHAT HIS FAT ASS WEARS!" TJ just looked at me and with a slight crooked smile on his face he said, "Tell me what you really think." TJ wears a men's small. This is how much his dad has ever paid attention.
I told TJ that he had better text his dad about it because if I do, I will go off on him. And it will do no good because he always finds some way to work things around to it being someone else's fault.
All I know is...I am on to the next level. If it turns out I am right about that skank being pregnant I will actually laugh and laugh. He went out there to Kansas and thought he could do whatever he wanted to do and no one would know. He is so very stupid that way.
I did text him and tell him, "BTW, genius, if you want to have a relationship with your kids, NOTHING is ever just YOUR business." He has always had some stupid idea that as long as what he did was not anywhere near us and did not include us, that it didn't matter and had no bearing on our lives. I hit him over the head with that I don't know how many times. "You are not an island! You have a family and EVERYTHING you do has some impact on our lives too. We are the ones that will have to live with the fall out."
He is a MORON. yep...that's how I really feel.
To begin with...Christmas morning he decided he was going to Skype with the kids while they opened their presents. I had suggested it about a month ago and he whined that he didn't want to get up that early. I told him he could go back to bed but whatever...why put himself out for the kids. So he decides the day before that he is going to do it. Fine.
I sat to the side and let him have his time with the kids and I didn't have to see him and vice versa. I heard him. Turns out he wasn't there alone. The kids didn't tell me until this morning...the day after Christmas...just so I wouldn't be upset on Christmas Day. I had one day to not feel so badly about him. Although, I will admit the sound of his voice irritated me. And I was feeling past any anger towards him...or any feeling. It was making me feel lighter and happier.
So, it came out. TJ said he was pissed because his dad thinks everyone is so stupid that they wouldn't notice the shadows of someone moving around behind him, that he was whispering over his shoulder, and Bethany saw him hand someone a box. I told TJ that perhaps his dad wanted us to know about her. He seems to think it is more that his dad thinks he is smarter than everyone else and we are all stupid.
I confronted his dad in text about it. At first he got angry and said it is his private business. Then he backed up and said he isn't saying there was anyone there. I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't whispering over his shoulder to himself and handing boxes to ghosts. AND I am pretty sure she didn't just pop up out of nowhere over night. He told me not to jump to conclusions and that I had already made my mind up to what I was going to believe and that it wasn't necessarily right. He was getting mad and I told him I didn't know why he was getting mad. We are divorced and why should he care WHAT I think. I really don't care what he DOES...I just get pissed that he can't tell the truth where a lie will do. Then again, I don't know why I ever expected him to be truthful. I told him I am not planning revenge or anything. I just don't care at all.
Frankly, now that I have been proven right about my suspicions I feel SO much better. I will no longer blame myself about any of it. PLUS, considering how he acted when he visited at Easter time, things he said afterwards, and the week before he suddenly told me he wanted a divorce, I think it is a bit more than just having a gf. I am thinking he got himself into a stupid position. That could be wrong but it is kinda difficult to hide that sort of thing. All I know is I am going to get a quit claim deed done so I can get his name off the deed to this house so that if the skank has reason to take him to court and go after him for money, etc. she won't get her claws into MY house. I am not going to lose out, again, because of his stupidity.
THEN our son looked at the shirts his dad bought him...3 of them...3 bow ties, 3 shirts. The shirts are size large...he tried them on and he was swimming in them. I looked at that and uttered, "WHAT A MORON! WHEN HAVE YOU EVER WORN A SIZE LARGE? IT IS WHAT HIS FAT ASS WEARS!" TJ just looked at me and with a slight crooked smile on his face he said, "Tell me what you really think." TJ wears a men's small. This is how much his dad has ever paid attention.
I told TJ that he had better text his dad about it because if I do, I will go off on him. And it will do no good because he always finds some way to work things around to it being someone else's fault.
All I know is...I am on to the next level. If it turns out I am right about that skank being pregnant I will actually laugh and laugh. He went out there to Kansas and thought he could do whatever he wanted to do and no one would know. He is so very stupid that way.
I did text him and tell him, "BTW, genius, if you want to have a relationship with your kids, NOTHING is ever just YOUR business." He has always had some stupid idea that as long as what he did was not anywhere near us and did not include us, that it didn't matter and had no bearing on our lives. I hit him over the head with that I don't know how many times. "You are not an island! You have a family and EVERYTHING you do has some impact on our lives too. We are the ones that will have to live with the fall out."
He is a MORON. yep...that's how I really feel.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Joy
My son...who has become somewhat of a wise voice to me at times...had another talk with me about my depression and my latest round of crying.
I don't like crying. I remember one time sitting at the table for dinner (and I can see this incident like yesterday) and Troy had said something that hurt my young daughter's feelings AGAIN and she started crying. So diffuse the situation, I looked at her and did my best impression of Tom Hanks from the movie "A League of Their Own" and said, "Crying? Are you Crying? There's no crying in dinner!" She started laughing, everyone started laughing and we ended up having a pleasant dinner.
It wasn't her crying that I didn't like. It was his way of making them cry...and me too. And I particularly hate that I cry now. I wish I could really pinpoint why I cry.
People tell you that a divorce is like a death. You have to mourn the loss. I think that is bullshit. It feels more like a violation. You trusted this person...you opened your heart, you shared EVERY PART of yourself, they got to know you intimately in so many ways and they walked away with all of that knowledge of you. They walked away with all of this intimate knowledge of you...and it feels like you were violated. Your trust was violated. You were just violated in so many ways. Like someone hacking into your life. THAT'S what divorce feels like. And THAT is why is has bothered me so.
Everyone tells me to find something to do with my life that will make me happy...or I would like to do. And for some reason this morning, I came across what I would like to do: Christian Life Coach. It may seem ironic considering all I've gone through but getting certified would also help ME.
I had a friend call me the other day asking me if he could talk with me about something. He said out of everyone in his life, he thought of me because he said he knew I would listen and be able to give him some clues of what is going on and maybe what he needed to do to help the situation. It was a situation with his wife of 30 years.
I thought that was something. He thought I was the person to go to. I did listen and I did give him my thoughts on what happened and some things to do for them to help themselves. He has been trying my suggestions and he says they have helped. I hope it works...especially considering that I am walking blind.
So, this is something I am honestly going to check into. I found a school to check out to get my certification. I am going to read up on it some more. I may be able to do it in conjunction with my church...considering they are sorely lacking in any kind of counseling. There are lots of people that need it...counseling. Heaven knows I could use some myself.
I don't like crying. I remember one time sitting at the table for dinner (and I can see this incident like yesterday) and Troy had said something that hurt my young daughter's feelings AGAIN and she started crying. So diffuse the situation, I looked at her and did my best impression of Tom Hanks from the movie "A League of Their Own" and said, "Crying? Are you Crying? There's no crying in dinner!" She started laughing, everyone started laughing and we ended up having a pleasant dinner.
It wasn't her crying that I didn't like. It was his way of making them cry...and me too. And I particularly hate that I cry now. I wish I could really pinpoint why I cry.
People tell you that a divorce is like a death. You have to mourn the loss. I think that is bullshit. It feels more like a violation. You trusted this person...you opened your heart, you shared EVERY PART of yourself, they got to know you intimately in so many ways and they walked away with all of that knowledge of you. They walked away with all of this intimate knowledge of you...and it feels like you were violated. Your trust was violated. You were just violated in so many ways. Like someone hacking into your life. THAT'S what divorce feels like. And THAT is why is has bothered me so.
Everyone tells me to find something to do with my life that will make me happy...or I would like to do. And for some reason this morning, I came across what I would like to do: Christian Life Coach. It may seem ironic considering all I've gone through but getting certified would also help ME.
I had a friend call me the other day asking me if he could talk with me about something. He said out of everyone in his life, he thought of me because he said he knew I would listen and be able to give him some clues of what is going on and maybe what he needed to do to help the situation. It was a situation with his wife of 30 years.
I thought that was something. He thought I was the person to go to. I did listen and I did give him my thoughts on what happened and some things to do for them to help themselves. He has been trying my suggestions and he says they have helped. I hope it works...especially considering that I am walking blind.
So, this is something I am honestly going to check into. I found a school to check out to get my certification. I am going to read up on it some more. I may be able to do it in conjunction with my church...considering they are sorely lacking in any kind of counseling. There are lots of people that need it...counseling. Heaven knows I could use some myself.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Conversation
Sometimes I just need someone to sit with and have face to face conversation about nothing in particular.
And when did he stop missing me...and finding it easy not to say "I love you"
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Wearing it Out
I am so glad I have a blog. I can come here and pour my heart and my thoughts out. It doesn't get tired of anything I write.
I experienced something very very scary tonight. I made a quick trip to the Walmart for some extra supplies that I needed to finish my cookie baking. The music was playing, couples were shopping...Christmas was everywhere. And so were reminders. And I realized that all the cookie baking, present buying, Christmas song sing-alongs, and Christmas decorating had not helped me find my joy. In fact, it is even more evident that I have no joy. Where my joy was is a bottomless pit. And it hurts...an unending, all consuming ache. And the darkness of it all pulls me in.
I barely made it through the store. The tears started down my face as I reached my car. I cried all the way home, into the house and for another 15 minutes at least after that.
I feel so alone.
I had a chat with a friend of mine with the same first name...and she got married 3 months before me. She had some pretty nasty 'adventures' with her husband's behavior at one time, also. She has told me for years that she felt that as soon as the kids were over 18 he would divorce her. But, luckily, that is not the case. She was telling me that they go for walks in the town together, go out to eat, do other things together.
As I was driving home from the store, and crying, with that terrible pain...I understood how people can be so depressed and hurt so bad that they commit suicide. Then others say, "They were just being selfish." Well...yeah! They are so much in pain and so enveloped in the murk of depression that all you can think about is ending it so it will stop. However, being a Christian, I know better.
I pray and pray and I may find more understanding but it doesn't make the pain quit. What the brain comprehends doesn't make the heart feel any better.
I know my marriage was not good. But, all the same, it was my marriage. I had gotten used to it. I had been there for him and done so much for him...for our marriage. And he chose single over me. I was not good enough for him...important enough for him. Everything I did made no difference.
Now HE is the one being selfish. I know that what everyone tells me is true...that I will make it and I will be better off. However, that still doesn't make the pain go away.
I experienced something very very scary tonight. I made a quick trip to the Walmart for some extra supplies that I needed to finish my cookie baking. The music was playing, couples were shopping...Christmas was everywhere. And so were reminders. And I realized that all the cookie baking, present buying, Christmas song sing-alongs, and Christmas decorating had not helped me find my joy. In fact, it is even more evident that I have no joy. Where my joy was is a bottomless pit. And it hurts...an unending, all consuming ache. And the darkness of it all pulls me in.
I barely made it through the store. The tears started down my face as I reached my car. I cried all the way home, into the house and for another 15 minutes at least after that.
I feel so alone.
I had a chat with a friend of mine with the same first name...and she got married 3 months before me. She had some pretty nasty 'adventures' with her husband's behavior at one time, also. She has told me for years that she felt that as soon as the kids were over 18 he would divorce her. But, luckily, that is not the case. She was telling me that they go for walks in the town together, go out to eat, do other things together.
As I was driving home from the store, and crying, with that terrible pain...I understood how people can be so depressed and hurt so bad that they commit suicide. Then others say, "They were just being selfish." Well...yeah! They are so much in pain and so enveloped in the murk of depression that all you can think about is ending it so it will stop. However, being a Christian, I know better.
I pray and pray and I may find more understanding but it doesn't make the pain quit. What the brain comprehends doesn't make the heart feel any better.
I know my marriage was not good. But, all the same, it was my marriage. I had gotten used to it. I had been there for him and done so much for him...for our marriage. And he chose single over me. I was not good enough for him...important enough for him. Everything I did made no difference.
Now HE is the one being selfish. I know that what everyone tells me is true...that I will make it and I will be better off. However, that still doesn't make the pain go away.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
LIving Out Loud
Sometimes if I spend enough time praying and thinking on a problem/subject I can gain understanding or find a solution. Sometimes it is a matter of talking out loud.
Two things I had an "A ha moment" about this week. One I came by with the first method, mentioned above. The other came by me through the second method.
The first revelation was this: The Ex called me about cookies that are being sent to him. I have been baking lots of cookies because I enjoy that at Christmas time...and some years I enjoy doing gingerbread houses. I am not sure I am going to get to the gingerbread houses this year. ANYWAY, he called to tell me he doesn't like anything peppermint so please don't send anything like that (this was something I didn't know!) but then he started to tell me how to pack the cookies to keep them separate. I cut him off with, "I know how to do it and that you have to keep them separate so they don't all taste like peanut butter or gingerbread!" He quickly said, "I know you know that...I was just making sure."
That statement right there stuck in my head. And, a few hours later a light bulb came on. ALL these years I have understood that our son, and daughter, have anxiety problems...severe anxiety problems. And those problems manifest themselves in different ways. I know what they do to deal with the anxiety. I never really thought of Troy as having anxiety problems. I thought he was just a control freak that believed no one was as intelligent as he. But that statement he made was bouncing around in my subconscious for a while and picking up past similar statements and moments...and there was a lot of them. And...TADA! ALL those times when he would stand there telling me how to do something and I would get so ticked off because I took it personally...as if he thought I was really that stupid...and I would angrily tell him, "I know! I'm not stupid! I don't need directions from you!" and he would always say something like, "I know you know, Nancy! I'm just tellin' ya something!" and go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I would yell at him, "Well, if you know I know, then there is no need for you telling me what to do!"
It was his coping mechanism with life. He couldn't help TELLING people things anymore than TJ can help getting fixated on things and Bethany can help avoidance and snapping ppl's heads off. If I had just understood that...given him as much thought about his behavior as I did the kids', there would have been less yelling. It still wouldn't have fixed the problems with our marriage but it would have been one less thing. I sent him an email and admitted my revelation to him and apologized for not understanding that. I also told him that my problem has always been people treating me like I'm stupid and that is probably why it didn't occur to me before...I was having my own typical reaction to his obsessive behavior in this case. We most likely would never be able to resolve that problem if we had stayed together. Oil and water.
Now...for my second revelation...
I have had this painful problem with my right Achilles tendon for probably about a year. It gets inflamed and it is SO painful...feels like it is being put through a shredder. I have tried stretching exercises and anti-inflammatory drugs...nothing helped. Then, it seemed to be gone. Haven't had a flair up in a long time...until 2 days ago. I had to run to the grocery store and get some things and I noticed as I pushed the cart back to the car my tendon was paining. great....had to be on my feet doing cookies. And while in the kitchen the bottoms of my feet started hurting so I decided to put my sneakers on because they had some pretty good padding inside of them. By the end of the day I was in mucho pain...that tendon was on fire! I ended up in the recliner chair for the night with my feet up and my tendon cradled in an ice pack. I woke up a few hours later and the pain was gone.
My oldest sister is a physical therapy assistant and I was telling her about it. She said, "That is a puzzler!" Then something came to me! I told her.."Wait. I have been wearing everything but my sneakers for a while...bought myself some leather shoes...a few pairs...and been wearing those instead of the sneakers. Thursday I put on my sneakers for some reason when I went to the store. And my tendon started hurting. THEN I put the sneakers on while I was working in the kitchen and it got worse! O M G! It is my sneakers!" I had worn nothing but those sneakers for a long time..when I went to work, everywhere I went, just about...then I decided to get some real 'grown up' shoes and quit wearing those.
I like having the sneakers to wear for working out on the gazelle and other equipment. And every time I am done with my work out, that tendon hurts. I just thought I wasn't stretching it enough before hand. Now I know...need a new pair of sneakers.
Speaking of working out...Troy sent the kids a new picture of himself, via text, wearing a new Cleveland Browns jersey he bought himself. His face is thinner and his double chin is just about all gone...his hair is longer and all gray. Not sure why he quit coloring it...you'd think he would if he wants to attract a female but I guess since he has a good paying job the hair color doesn't matter. But, I am now mentally using his weight loss as my own personal motivator. I have to have something to motivate me more.
Ironically, my hair is longer too...and I haven't colored it in months. It is slowly turning white. My daughter and TJ's fiancée both pronounced it as becoming a 'pretty white' instead of nasty gray. I am not sure if I am going to continue to let it go and become white. I have a box of color ready and waiting incase I decide I don't like looking at it in the mirror. But, for right now...it is what it is. I am 54 and why should I care anymore?
Two things I had an "A ha moment" about this week. One I came by with the first method, mentioned above. The other came by me through the second method.
The first revelation was this: The Ex called me about cookies that are being sent to him. I have been baking lots of cookies because I enjoy that at Christmas time...and some years I enjoy doing gingerbread houses. I am not sure I am going to get to the gingerbread houses this year. ANYWAY, he called to tell me he doesn't like anything peppermint so please don't send anything like that (this was something I didn't know!) but then he started to tell me how to pack the cookies to keep them separate. I cut him off with, "I know how to do it and that you have to keep them separate so they don't all taste like peanut butter or gingerbread!" He quickly said, "I know you know that...I was just making sure."
That statement right there stuck in my head. And, a few hours later a light bulb came on. ALL these years I have understood that our son, and daughter, have anxiety problems...severe anxiety problems. And those problems manifest themselves in different ways. I know what they do to deal with the anxiety. I never really thought of Troy as having anxiety problems. I thought he was just a control freak that believed no one was as intelligent as he. But that statement he made was bouncing around in my subconscious for a while and picking up past similar statements and moments...and there was a lot of them. And...TADA! ALL those times when he would stand there telling me how to do something and I would get so ticked off because I took it personally...as if he thought I was really that stupid...and I would angrily tell him, "I know! I'm not stupid! I don't need directions from you!" and he would always say something like, "I know you know, Nancy! I'm just tellin' ya something!" and go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I would yell at him, "Well, if you know I know, then there is no need for you telling me what to do!"
It was his coping mechanism with life. He couldn't help TELLING people things anymore than TJ can help getting fixated on things and Bethany can help avoidance and snapping ppl's heads off. If I had just understood that...given him as much thought about his behavior as I did the kids', there would have been less yelling. It still wouldn't have fixed the problems with our marriage but it would have been one less thing. I sent him an email and admitted my revelation to him and apologized for not understanding that. I also told him that my problem has always been people treating me like I'm stupid and that is probably why it didn't occur to me before...I was having my own typical reaction to his obsessive behavior in this case. We most likely would never be able to resolve that problem if we had stayed together. Oil and water.
Now...for my second revelation...
I have had this painful problem with my right Achilles tendon for probably about a year. It gets inflamed and it is SO painful...feels like it is being put through a shredder. I have tried stretching exercises and anti-inflammatory drugs...nothing helped. Then, it seemed to be gone. Haven't had a flair up in a long time...until 2 days ago. I had to run to the grocery store and get some things and I noticed as I pushed the cart back to the car my tendon was paining. great....had to be on my feet doing cookies. And while in the kitchen the bottoms of my feet started hurting so I decided to put my sneakers on because they had some pretty good padding inside of them. By the end of the day I was in mucho pain...that tendon was on fire! I ended up in the recliner chair for the night with my feet up and my tendon cradled in an ice pack. I woke up a few hours later and the pain was gone.
My oldest sister is a physical therapy assistant and I was telling her about it. She said, "That is a puzzler!" Then something came to me! I told her.."Wait. I have been wearing everything but my sneakers for a while...bought myself some leather shoes...a few pairs...and been wearing those instead of the sneakers. Thursday I put on my sneakers for some reason when I went to the store. And my tendon started hurting. THEN I put the sneakers on while I was working in the kitchen and it got worse! O M G! It is my sneakers!" I had worn nothing but those sneakers for a long time..when I went to work, everywhere I went, just about...then I decided to get some real 'grown up' shoes and quit wearing those.
I like having the sneakers to wear for working out on the gazelle and other equipment. And every time I am done with my work out, that tendon hurts. I just thought I wasn't stretching it enough before hand. Now I know...need a new pair of sneakers.
Speaking of working out...Troy sent the kids a new picture of himself, via text, wearing a new Cleveland Browns jersey he bought himself. His face is thinner and his double chin is just about all gone...his hair is longer and all gray. Not sure why he quit coloring it...you'd think he would if he wants to attract a female but I guess since he has a good paying job the hair color doesn't matter. But, I am now mentally using his weight loss as my own personal motivator. I have to have something to motivate me more.
Ironically, my hair is longer too...and I haven't colored it in months. It is slowly turning white. My daughter and TJ's fiancée both pronounced it as becoming a 'pretty white' instead of nasty gray. I am not sure if I am going to continue to let it go and become white. I have a box of color ready and waiting incase I decide I don't like looking at it in the mirror. But, for right now...it is what it is. I am 54 and why should I care anymore?
Sunday, November 30, 2014
That Fish in the Bottom of the Boat
In the aftermath of a divorce there is a lot of flipping and flopping. I try to remember the bad times to make myself feel better about being divorced. Then I try to remember the good times so I don't feel bad about being married to him for 25 years.
But then it just comes down to this...when he said we had different agendas he was right. He liked being free to spend lots of time hanging out with 'the guys' and drinking and smoking dope. I liked having a family and wanted a HUSBAND...someone that actually liked spending his time WITH ME. He always got what he wanted...but was mean with me because he actually did feel guilty about it and blamed me for the feeling.
I said something to a woman that attends my church about hoping that someday I would find a guy that had a good sense of humor and wanted a woman to love, spend his time with, and share things with. Her reply was, IF it is in God's plans, you will find him.
I know about God's plans and it isn't that I don't have faith...but I refuse to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want a partner YET...but at some point...somewhere in the last half of next year it would be nice to meet someone. Even by the time summer comes...I want to move on and have someone to move on with.
Thanksgiving was so wonderful...TJ was here with his fiancée, Bethany was here and her boyfriend came...his dad was working and his mom and her new family either weren't doing anything OR she didn't invite him to join them. I think he was relaxed and enjoyed himself. I know he ate A LOT! LOL We all sat around the table and talked and joked and it was very relaxed. There was no one picking about how someone was holding their spoon, or if they were eating too quickly, or eating too much, or talking too much...etc. It was just us enjoying ourselves.
Time to start new traditions or slightly alter old ones. This is my new world. Constantly changing but hopefully for the positive.
But then it just comes down to this...when he said we had different agendas he was right. He liked being free to spend lots of time hanging out with 'the guys' and drinking and smoking dope. I liked having a family and wanted a HUSBAND...someone that actually liked spending his time WITH ME. He always got what he wanted...but was mean with me because he actually did feel guilty about it and blamed me for the feeling.
I said something to a woman that attends my church about hoping that someday I would find a guy that had a good sense of humor and wanted a woman to love, spend his time with, and share things with. Her reply was, IF it is in God's plans, you will find him.
I know about God's plans and it isn't that I don't have faith...but I refuse to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want a partner YET...but at some point...somewhere in the last half of next year it would be nice to meet someone. Even by the time summer comes...I want to move on and have someone to move on with.
Thanksgiving was so wonderful...TJ was here with his fiancée, Bethany was here and her boyfriend came...his dad was working and his mom and her new family either weren't doing anything OR she didn't invite him to join them. I think he was relaxed and enjoyed himself. I know he ate A LOT! LOL We all sat around the table and talked and joked and it was very relaxed. There was no one picking about how someone was holding their spoon, or if they were eating too quickly, or eating too much, or talking too much...etc. It was just us enjoying ourselves.
Time to start new traditions or slightly alter old ones. This is my new world. Constantly changing but hopefully for the positive.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
That Feeling
I have been really sick...physically ill...for longer than I realized. My mother kept telling me that there was something 'out of sorts' with me physically. I had a sinus infection but I didn't realize it was as bad as it is. I knew there was something wrong. Then one day I couldn't ignore it anymore. I woke up with vertigo...so bad I could barely walk without bouncing off the walls. It was worse than being drunk. It has taken 3 days of antibiotics to get it to settle down. Guess I won't ignore sinus problems again.
I am not feeling so weepy and down in the rabbit hole now. Got an accidental text from the ex tonight. It said, "see you in 15 minutes". I texted back, "WHO are you seeing in 15 minutes?" And you know what? He answered me. "Sorry. EDDIE!!" I just sent back "LOL...u didn't have to tell me" Guess he is still in that married mentality. Then again, he seems to think that I will go ape shit crazy when he starts dating. As I told him...WE ARE DIVORCED NOW...I expect he will date at some point. I am prepared for it. And I may feel hurt or weird...or nothing. I won't know until that happens but I told him I will not go off on him. Really...what does he expect? If I haven't harmed him or any of his stuff by now, I guess he is pretty safe.
I had a guy from HS days contact me a couple of times on FB. He was a friend of a guy I dated for a bit. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. He is a big guy...at least a foot taller than me, if not more. He is sporting the bald look with a goatee. He went to college for music and was in the OSU marching band. He didn't finish college and now owns a portrait studio. ANYWAY, I have only slightly paid attention to him on FB. It seems like he has been married 3 or 4 times...or maybe it is just relationships that he has been in and out of so quickly. I don't know. Was not important to me. Seems he is going through another divorce and as soon as he found out I was divorced he was right there hitting on me. REALLY? He is just looking for another 'blanket'. And I am not interested.
I know there are people out there that hop from relationship to relationship and overlap them even. But I have never done that. Even if I entertained the notion I always realized that I did not want to be that person. It makes life messier and I needed time to get my equilibrium before I tried another relationship.
My oldest sister, who was divorced once....her first husband walked in the door from work and said, "I want a divorce" then turned around and left...she said there are guys out there that will be just what I need...calm, easy going, able to take the pressure without breaking...and the one will come along when I least expect it. Doesn't everyone tell you that...when you least expect it?
All I know is this...I do miss the feeling of loving someone and knowing they love me. I thought I had that but it was false. I am looking forward to meeting that guy that is just the right one yet, I hope he doesn't come along too soon. I need some time to get my life on the right track again. I need to have that feeling of self sustaining. Once I have my self esteem back at the right level, then I am ready...but God is the one that has the right timing.
The few times I have spoken on the phone with my ex, I have found something to be very curious...I sometimes did not end the call with 'love you' because I was preoccupied and he would get ticked. And it always seemed just like a mindless habit with him. But as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce his mindless habit ceased yet I have to consciously stop myself before I say it. Weird.
I am not feeling so weepy and down in the rabbit hole now. Got an accidental text from the ex tonight. It said, "see you in 15 minutes". I texted back, "WHO are you seeing in 15 minutes?" And you know what? He answered me. "Sorry. EDDIE!!" I just sent back "LOL...u didn't have to tell me" Guess he is still in that married mentality. Then again, he seems to think that I will go ape shit crazy when he starts dating. As I told him...WE ARE DIVORCED NOW...I expect he will date at some point. I am prepared for it. And I may feel hurt or weird...or nothing. I won't know until that happens but I told him I will not go off on him. Really...what does he expect? If I haven't harmed him or any of his stuff by now, I guess he is pretty safe.
I had a guy from HS days contact me a couple of times on FB. He was a friend of a guy I dated for a bit. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. He is a big guy...at least a foot taller than me, if not more. He is sporting the bald look with a goatee. He went to college for music and was in the OSU marching band. He didn't finish college and now owns a portrait studio. ANYWAY, I have only slightly paid attention to him on FB. It seems like he has been married 3 or 4 times...or maybe it is just relationships that he has been in and out of so quickly. I don't know. Was not important to me. Seems he is going through another divorce and as soon as he found out I was divorced he was right there hitting on me. REALLY? He is just looking for another 'blanket'. And I am not interested.
I know there are people out there that hop from relationship to relationship and overlap them even. But I have never done that. Even if I entertained the notion I always realized that I did not want to be that person. It makes life messier and I needed time to get my equilibrium before I tried another relationship.
My oldest sister, who was divorced once....her first husband walked in the door from work and said, "I want a divorce" then turned around and left...she said there are guys out there that will be just what I need...calm, easy going, able to take the pressure without breaking...and the one will come along when I least expect it. Doesn't everyone tell you that...when you least expect it?
All I know is this...I do miss the feeling of loving someone and knowing they love me. I thought I had that but it was false. I am looking forward to meeting that guy that is just the right one yet, I hope he doesn't come along too soon. I need some time to get my life on the right track again. I need to have that feeling of self sustaining. Once I have my self esteem back at the right level, then I am ready...but God is the one that has the right timing.
The few times I have spoken on the phone with my ex, I have found something to be very curious...I sometimes did not end the call with 'love you' because I was preoccupied and he would get ticked. And it always seemed just like a mindless habit with him. But as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce his mindless habit ceased yet I have to consciously stop myself before I say it. Weird.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Gaining Some Perspective...Any Perspective
1) I am better off than most women concerning this divorce. Most of them have had to move out of the house and find another place to go...and with children. Most of them had husbands that fought to give them nothing. Most of them had their divorces dragged out for a long time. Most of them had husbands that had a girlfriend ready to move in right behind them.
2) I was given LOTS of advice on terrible things to do to get back at Troy. I had no reason to listen or give any of it a thought. He didn't deserve it and I would not waste the energy on it or the time being such a mean person. It serves no purpose. Because he wanted a divorce? That is supposed to be the reason for that? hardly.
3) Most women go through the same crap in their minds that I did: "maybe if I earned money he wouldn't have left" "maybe if I was thinner he wouldn't have left" "Maybe if I was a better housekeeper he wouldn't have left" I learned that from listening to other divorced women in group. We are all wired the same. My thoughts on that...if those things are all that it takes to level a marriage then there wasn't unconditional love. I am coming to the conclusion that unconditional love is a rare thing.
4) ALL women...not one has deviated from this...say the same thing: "I needed more affection...cuddling. Just to hold me so I felt comfort, love, and safe. But he never did that unless he wanted sex. I tried to tell him and he never seemed to hear me. It made me feel like a piece of meat. It made me want sex less and he didn't get what he wanted either."
5) Men do NOT get it. about the cuddling. I thought there was something wrong with ME until I heard that. But no...it is a universal man/woman thing and if no one takes the time to give each other what the other one needs, there is going to be a lot more divorces in this country. It is amazing to me that ANYONE is married!
6) Communication...besides the cuddling there was lack of communication. In 8 out of 10 cases that I listened to, it was the man that resisted counseling to fix the communication problems. It was too much work. But relationships of any kind take work...if you care, if you love, if you want to hang on to it. But if life is too much work then be alone.
So...after all the 'advice' and other 'friends' points of view...sharing of experiences...attending a divorce group counseling session (via online recording)...I found way too many similarities. So it comes down to this...it was not an US thing...it is a Man/Woman thing. You either wanted to be the exception or the rule. Troy chose to be the rule. I am choosing to not have to make that choice again because evidently men that choose to be the exception are very few and far between and I don't want to end up with another one that would rather give up and be the rule.
I will be content with the fact that the terms of my divorce is not the rule and I have it easier than most. and that whole thing right there is just sad. I don't think anyone would LIKE to be alone but apathy and laziness have taken over and replaced real love.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Deep Freeze
I must clarify something from the previous post..
I do NOT expect my ex to help with any payments on repairs or anything else. He told me he would help out when/if he could. I hate asking. But right now I still need some help. I AM grateful when he does help. I always send him an email and thank him for his help. I know he doesn't HAVE to help in any way. I also know that him being willing to help and actually helping are unprecedented.
Throughout this whole divorce, and in its aftermath, I have been given 'advice' from lots of other women that have gone through this, on what to do, how to act, etc. I have listened and I have picked out the practical pieces, the pieces that are not emotional knee-jerk reactions, and considered the advice. I have tried NOT to let my emotions take over. It was because I tried to think with a clear head that I do believe I was able to come to a dissolution agreement with him so fast and get this whole thing over with.
If there is one thing that God has taught me in the last 25 years of marriage is to be level headed and not let emotions get in the way of what I really needed to do.
I do wish, right now, however, that I had someone to kick my butt about twice a day to keep me moving and accomplish things. There is SO much to do...both concerning the house and my own future. Today I am going to work on accomplishing more for my future. I am actually going to work on it all this weekend. I have more job applications to work on and a college class app that needs attending. I have the college thing all set up I just need to do some more with the app. I pray that I am doing the right thing but I really feel that I am. If it isn't right then I pray that God upsets the apple cart.
I know that for me to truly move on with my life I need to get going on a job. I have had several people advise me to just stay on unemployment until it runs out but I am having a difficult time seeing the wisdom in that. I want to DO something.
On another subject...my daughter was telling me that Emily had no where to go for Thanksgiving. Emily is a girl she works with and her family attends our church. I don't know if it was a year or TWO ago that Emily announced to her parents that she was gay. They threw her out of the house. She has been on her own and working to get through college.
I was so disappointed in them. I told Bethany that, even though I have my stance on the whole gay issue that I do, born from my religious beliefs, that is definitely NOT the good Christian thing to do. I told her that even if she or her brother had told me she/he was gay, I would NOT kick them out of the house. The preacher of a church I attended growing up did that to his one son after he announced he was gay.
So I told Bethany if she wanted to invite Emily here for Thanksgiving she was welcome to do so. We have plenty of room at our table. I may not agree with the lifestyle but I am not dismissive of people because of it. I think the ONLY people that I would not allow at my table are murderers and pedophiles. Those kinds of behaviors are heinous.
At this point it seems that we will have Bethany, Jordan, Brit, and TJ here for dinner. I do hope Emily comes. If we happen to have other strays along the way join us, then the more the merrier. I LOVE Thanksgiving and the cooking, etc.
I don't know what Troy is doing for Thanksgiving. I imagine he will be having dinner with his divorced party buddies. And I imagine he will be doing most of the cooking. I sometimes really do wonder if he is gay and he has never been able to admit it. It would explain some things.
Anyhoo...with the possibility of a new person being in my home for the holidays, that gives me renewed purpose to do some more 'fixing' on my home. There are things that need to be done around here and I have a target reason and date to get them done. I guess I'd better get busy!
Addition: As I was moving around and pondering today, it came to me that God gave me for which I was praying for so long: a home and calm. I have my home here, and now it is calm. God doesn't work things out to end in divorce but if the other person makes it happen, and you have faith in God, he will work out for YOU. He has worked it out for me. I keep thinking about me losing my job at the electric company. It was not a great place, I hated it. I think God realized if He didn't take that job away from me, and Troy divorced me, I would stay locked in that soul sucking job and not gotten out and done something that I am SUPPOSED to do. I am not really sure, yet, what that is but, as I said...have faith. He will work it out. My whole life has been a work in progress and it might have been somewhere better a very long time ago but I insisted on the detour that took me the long way around and into some pretty dark valleys for the last 25 years. Now that part of the trip is over.
AND ANOTHER THING...I was kind of finding it funny today about something. I remember telling Bethany that she is an adult now and she doesn't need to ask my permission to go to a friend's for the night. I pretty much had to let Troy know that, while I find it so very nice and I was so appreciative of the fact that he paid for the water heater, he really is not obligated to do anything like that. I will ask him if he can help me with big things like that if I need help but we ARE divorced. I was looking back at the text messages and the emails and he almost sounded like he felt that he is obligated and must pay at least half on repairs to the house. While the kids live here, they are adults also. Perhaps he feels some obligation because his name is still on the deed/mortgage? I don't know. I guess he is still adjusting to divorce also.
I do NOT expect my ex to help with any payments on repairs or anything else. He told me he would help out when/if he could. I hate asking. But right now I still need some help. I AM grateful when he does help. I always send him an email and thank him for his help. I know he doesn't HAVE to help in any way. I also know that him being willing to help and actually helping are unprecedented.
Throughout this whole divorce, and in its aftermath, I have been given 'advice' from lots of other women that have gone through this, on what to do, how to act, etc. I have listened and I have picked out the practical pieces, the pieces that are not emotional knee-jerk reactions, and considered the advice. I have tried NOT to let my emotions take over. It was because I tried to think with a clear head that I do believe I was able to come to a dissolution agreement with him so fast and get this whole thing over with.
If there is one thing that God has taught me in the last 25 years of marriage is to be level headed and not let emotions get in the way of what I really needed to do.
I do wish, right now, however, that I had someone to kick my butt about twice a day to keep me moving and accomplish things. There is SO much to do...both concerning the house and my own future. Today I am going to work on accomplishing more for my future. I am actually going to work on it all this weekend. I have more job applications to work on and a college class app that needs attending. I have the college thing all set up I just need to do some more with the app. I pray that I am doing the right thing but I really feel that I am. If it isn't right then I pray that God upsets the apple cart.
I know that for me to truly move on with my life I need to get going on a job. I have had several people advise me to just stay on unemployment until it runs out but I am having a difficult time seeing the wisdom in that. I want to DO something.
On another subject...my daughter was telling me that Emily had no where to go for Thanksgiving. Emily is a girl she works with and her family attends our church. I don't know if it was a year or TWO ago that Emily announced to her parents that she was gay. They threw her out of the house. She has been on her own and working to get through college.
I was so disappointed in them. I told Bethany that, even though I have my stance on the whole gay issue that I do, born from my religious beliefs, that is definitely NOT the good Christian thing to do. I told her that even if she or her brother had told me she/he was gay, I would NOT kick them out of the house. The preacher of a church I attended growing up did that to his one son after he announced he was gay.
So I told Bethany if she wanted to invite Emily here for Thanksgiving she was welcome to do so. We have plenty of room at our table. I may not agree with the lifestyle but I am not dismissive of people because of it. I think the ONLY people that I would not allow at my table are murderers and pedophiles. Those kinds of behaviors are heinous.
At this point it seems that we will have Bethany, Jordan, Brit, and TJ here for dinner. I do hope Emily comes. If we happen to have other strays along the way join us, then the more the merrier. I LOVE Thanksgiving and the cooking, etc.
I don't know what Troy is doing for Thanksgiving. I imagine he will be having dinner with his divorced party buddies. And I imagine he will be doing most of the cooking. I sometimes really do wonder if he is gay and he has never been able to admit it. It would explain some things.
Anyhoo...with the possibility of a new person being in my home for the holidays, that gives me renewed purpose to do some more 'fixing' on my home. There are things that need to be done around here and I have a target reason and date to get them done. I guess I'd better get busy!
Addition: As I was moving around and pondering today, it came to me that God gave me for which I was praying for so long: a home and calm. I have my home here, and now it is calm. God doesn't work things out to end in divorce but if the other person makes it happen, and you have faith in God, he will work out for YOU. He has worked it out for me. I keep thinking about me losing my job at the electric company. It was not a great place, I hated it. I think God realized if He didn't take that job away from me, and Troy divorced me, I would stay locked in that soul sucking job and not gotten out and done something that I am SUPPOSED to do. I am not really sure, yet, what that is but, as I said...have faith. He will work it out. My whole life has been a work in progress and it might have been somewhere better a very long time ago but I insisted on the detour that took me the long way around and into some pretty dark valleys for the last 25 years. Now that part of the trip is over.
AND ANOTHER THING...I was kind of finding it funny today about something. I remember telling Bethany that she is an adult now and she doesn't need to ask my permission to go to a friend's for the night. I pretty much had to let Troy know that, while I find it so very nice and I was so appreciative of the fact that he paid for the water heater, he really is not obligated to do anything like that. I will ask him if he can help me with big things like that if I need help but we ARE divorced. I was looking back at the text messages and the emails and he almost sounded like he felt that he is obligated and must pay at least half on repairs to the house. While the kids live here, they are adults also. Perhaps he feels some obligation because his name is still on the deed/mortgage? I don't know. I guess he is still adjusting to divorce also.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Conclusions, Jacks, Rope and other things for Jumping
I was reminded again tonight why I should once more get down on my knees and thank God that I am divorced and he is in Kansas.
I took the time yesterday to send Evil Spawn a copy of the work order receipt and the charge receipt for the new hot water heater with an explanation through the email. I told him I was hoping he would be able to help with the cost and that I had already paid for the labor...which turned out to be $6.67 less than half of the total cost. I saved at least $200 by hiring a local guy to install it, buying the needed parts myself, and hauling the old one off to the scrap yard myself.
So, while on the phone with my mother he texts me to ask if I changed the password on the joint account. REALLY??? If I was a vindictive bitch he would have surely known that by now. I texted back NOPE...and then sent the password in the next text. Then he texted back he was sorry, it was his fault, he typed it in wrong, yada yada. I texted "jumping to conclusions" he said he just wanted to check in case so that he didn't keep typing it in and get locked out of the account. (sure...he thought I had changed it just to be a bitch). I told him "I'm angry...not stupid" He then says he will pay $200 on the charge. I said, FINE. (which one thing he DOES remember is when I say "fine" it's not...fine) He said, Is that Okay??" I reminded him " the whole thing cost almost $800 but never mind, it's not your problem"
All during this I am reading back and forth to my mother his texts and my replies. I was on the landline with my mom and my cell phone text notification is a frog croaking and she could hear it going off. When I read her that he said he was going to pay $200 she says, "That's not even a third!" I told her it was 1/4. She said, "I would make him pay MORE! Hold out for more money"
I think I have written in my blog how much my parents dislike him. And I don't blame them. If some guy treated MY daughter the way Troy treated me and the kids, I would be in jail right now for assault. My parents have better restraint than I do.
Troy then responded with "You didn't tell me that!"
I said, "I sent you the receipts"
Troy: "I'll pay the rest next pay day. I forgot!!!!!! NIGHT"
Even in text I can tell when he is angry. He starts putting a lot of repeated punctuation. I was giggling at this point. I told my mother, "See how quickly he gets irritated? He started out paranoid and accusatory...then he was apologetic then he ended being ticked off and left. I am SO glad I don't have to put up with that anymore! I am astronomically thankful he is in Kansas and not HERE!"
I am angry about it just for the way he went about things. I am angry at wasting 25 years of my life with him. But I am not angry about the divorce anymore. I am not angry, sad, nothing. I AM feeling happier...more hopeful about my future. I don't really have any feelings toward my self worth yet but that will come. I am a good, kind, honest person.
While he is always on the defensive expecting me to do something hateful, spiteful, bitchy...he can keep waiting and watching. That is the entertainment for me...the way he is stressing himself out over something that isn't going to happen.
After 25 years of marriage...he never knew me at all.
I took the time yesterday to send Evil Spawn a copy of the work order receipt and the charge receipt for the new hot water heater with an explanation through the email. I told him I was hoping he would be able to help with the cost and that I had already paid for the labor...which turned out to be $6.67 less than half of the total cost. I saved at least $200 by hiring a local guy to install it, buying the needed parts myself, and hauling the old one off to the scrap yard myself.
So, while on the phone with my mother he texts me to ask if I changed the password on the joint account. REALLY??? If I was a vindictive bitch he would have surely known that by now. I texted back NOPE...and then sent the password in the next text. Then he texted back he was sorry, it was his fault, he typed it in wrong, yada yada. I texted "jumping to conclusions" he said he just wanted to check in case so that he didn't keep typing it in and get locked out of the account. (sure...he thought I had changed it just to be a bitch). I told him "I'm angry...not stupid" He then says he will pay $200 on the charge. I said, FINE. (which one thing he DOES remember is when I say "fine" it's not...fine) He said, Is that Okay??" I reminded him " the whole thing cost almost $800 but never mind, it's not your problem"
All during this I am reading back and forth to my mother his texts and my replies. I was on the landline with my mom and my cell phone text notification is a frog croaking and she could hear it going off. When I read her that he said he was going to pay $200 she says, "That's not even a third!" I told her it was 1/4. She said, "I would make him pay MORE! Hold out for more money"
I think I have written in my blog how much my parents dislike him. And I don't blame them. If some guy treated MY daughter the way Troy treated me and the kids, I would be in jail right now for assault. My parents have better restraint than I do.
Troy then responded with "You didn't tell me that!"
I said, "I sent you the receipts"
Troy: "I'll pay the rest next pay day. I forgot!!!!!! NIGHT"
Even in text I can tell when he is angry. He starts putting a lot of repeated punctuation. I was giggling at this point. I told my mother, "See how quickly he gets irritated? He started out paranoid and accusatory...then he was apologetic then he ended being ticked off and left. I am SO glad I don't have to put up with that anymore! I am astronomically thankful he is in Kansas and not HERE!"
I am angry about it just for the way he went about things. I am angry at wasting 25 years of my life with him. But I am not angry about the divorce anymore. I am not angry, sad, nothing. I AM feeling happier...more hopeful about my future. I don't really have any feelings toward my self worth yet but that will come. I am a good, kind, honest person.
While he is always on the defensive expecting me to do something hateful, spiteful, bitchy...he can keep waiting and watching. That is the entertainment for me...the way he is stressing himself out over something that isn't going to happen.
After 25 years of marriage...he never knew me at all.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Hurry Up and....blech
Two weeks...went without getting a call/text/email from him for 2 weeks and 2 days. Then he called. I let it go to VM. He left a VM. So...I listened to the VM. And it happened.
I had forgotten all about that feeling. I could tell by his tone of voice he was perturbed...probably because I wouldn't answer the phone. He HATES that. But just hearing that tone of voice, or maybe just hearing his voice anyway, I got the tight, panicky feeling in my chest. I haven't felt that in 2 weeks and I have hardly thought anything of him. And in half of a minute I was taken back to it.
It wasn't anything important...I texted him and told him to mail it to me and I'd take care of it.
He's probably still aggravated. Then again, perhaps he is just as happy not to talk with me either.
I can giggle over some things now. I told by one of my gf from back home, who is going through the same thing with her EX husband that since he is going to haul away the bed in May when he comes to get his other stuff that I should pee on if first. I laughed so hard I almost did! Then she said to never mind because she is in that weird frame of mind right now. They still have 2 girls in HS and she is having to get another lawyer to take him back to court because he isn't paying his child support. She exchanged diet and exercise info with me. And I told her a few things about my defunct marriage that a lot of people back home don't know about Troy's behavior. The minister at our church back home thought Troy was a great guy. Deb asked me if the pastor knows about Troy now? I said, "nope" not telling HIM. She said, "well, WE know. "
I have had a few people tell me this week that I am an inspiration because I have been keeping busy and doing things..trying to make some effort to move on with my life. And I don't feel that way. I am just trying to keep busy to keep myself from wallowing in the hole of depression/anxiety and despair. It is not my favorite place to be. Besides, the world has little sympathy and waits for no one.
I have gotten out in the last week and joined in on bible study groups and a women's bible book study group. Then I hit the wall...came down with some sort of bug. I want to keep moving about but it has made me achy, stuffy and miserable. I will move my butt every now and then and do some here and there...but not all that much. I opted to stay home from church and bible study today. I don't want to pass around germs out there when so many people have jobs they have to be well for and no one has time to be ill. I always hated when people would come to church when they were obviously sick and pass it around to everyone.
Onward and upward. On to the next thing. yay.
I had forgotten all about that feeling. I could tell by his tone of voice he was perturbed...probably because I wouldn't answer the phone. He HATES that. But just hearing that tone of voice, or maybe just hearing his voice anyway, I got the tight, panicky feeling in my chest. I haven't felt that in 2 weeks and I have hardly thought anything of him. And in half of a minute I was taken back to it.
It wasn't anything important...I texted him and told him to mail it to me and I'd take care of it.
He's probably still aggravated. Then again, perhaps he is just as happy not to talk with me either.
I can giggle over some things now. I told by one of my gf from back home, who is going through the same thing with her EX husband that since he is going to haul away the bed in May when he comes to get his other stuff that I should pee on if first. I laughed so hard I almost did! Then she said to never mind because she is in that weird frame of mind right now. They still have 2 girls in HS and she is having to get another lawyer to take him back to court because he isn't paying his child support. She exchanged diet and exercise info with me. And I told her a few things about my defunct marriage that a lot of people back home don't know about Troy's behavior. The minister at our church back home thought Troy was a great guy. Deb asked me if the pastor knows about Troy now? I said, "nope" not telling HIM. She said, "well, WE know. "
I have had a few people tell me this week that I am an inspiration because I have been keeping busy and doing things..trying to make some effort to move on with my life. And I don't feel that way. I am just trying to keep busy to keep myself from wallowing in the hole of depression/anxiety and despair. It is not my favorite place to be. Besides, the world has little sympathy and waits for no one.
I have gotten out in the last week and joined in on bible study groups and a women's bible book study group. Then I hit the wall...came down with some sort of bug. I want to keep moving about but it has made me achy, stuffy and miserable. I will move my butt every now and then and do some here and there...but not all that much. I opted to stay home from church and bible study today. I don't want to pass around germs out there when so many people have jobs they have to be well for and no one has time to be ill. I always hated when people would come to church when they were obviously sick and pass it around to everyone.
Onward and upward. On to the next thing. yay.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Silence Is Golden
My emotions are such a rollercoaster ride. I think I am feeling better and able to cope and feel some happiness...then...WHAM out of nowhere I fall right back down the rabbit hole. Tonight I am feeling somewhat better.
I read something on an ex-fellow blogger's FB page about abusive relationships. It outlined what an emotional/mentally abusive looked like. I sat there reading down through the points and recognized my ex-husband and myself throughout the whole thing. I just called him a bully. I had no idea how far down I had sunk and did not know where I was going or why. All this time I thought I was rescuing him while he was burying me.
Given that...I KNOW I am better off without him but I still have such depressing days! I am mostly worried about what I am going to do next. I am trying to convince myself that I AM still that person I was before I met him. I am trying to convince myself that I am the person that everyone else sees me to be.
There are little things like the fry daddy that I bought my son at a garage sale. I broke my own rule about never buy appliances at a garage sale. But...it was a small fry daddy and TJ likes to do fries and I get tired of him making a greasy mess all over my stove by using a pan of oil.
So I got it home and scrubbed it up. Plugged it in...and...nothing. So I finally took a screwdriver to it, took it apart then scrubbed all contacts inside and out with a wire brush. There was corrosion build up. I also had to scrub off the inside of the plug thingy (and that is some real technical jargon right there). I then plugged it in (after putting it all back together again, of course) and it worked! Sorry people...I paid you $2 for that and it is mine. No backsies.
I also found out the water heater has a slow small leak in the bottom of it. Do you know what it costs for me to pay someone to hook up a new one? Almost as much as the water heater! I am pretty sure I can hook it up myself. I have a manual! AND I know how to check for a gas leak. hhmmm...
I will think about it. That is what I have to take care of next week.
Still working on puttinig Bethany's bedroom furniture together. Her boyfriend Jordan put her bed together. It is a platform with storage drawers underneath. I told him when he started it would be good practice for when he had kids someday. By the time he got her bed together he looked at me and said, "I don't want kids...EVER!" Ok. I found a new form of birth control. LOL
I got what I need to get signed up for more classes. I am first going to take the first half of the Special Ed. Master's program. This will add Special Ed certification to my teaching license and Intervention Specialist. Then I can take the second half of the program later and get my Master's.
In the meantime...life goes on.
So tomorrow I get a tooth worked on for a crown. yay. Then I am going to a Christian rock concert at our church with my son and his fiancé. Wonder what my chances are of getting the ex monster spouse to pay for the crown on my tooth?
I also wonder if I get so depressed I start using crack then decide I need to get clean and end up at his place, knock on the door and tell him I need someone to help me, what are the chances he will take me in? okay...that wouldn't happen. I can't imagine being so bad off on crack that it would mess me up enough to ask HIM for help. Bwahahahaha....
I read something on an ex-fellow blogger's FB page about abusive relationships. It outlined what an emotional/mentally abusive looked like. I sat there reading down through the points and recognized my ex-husband and myself throughout the whole thing. I just called him a bully. I had no idea how far down I had sunk and did not know where I was going or why. All this time I thought I was rescuing him while he was burying me.
Given that...I KNOW I am better off without him but I still have such depressing days! I am mostly worried about what I am going to do next. I am trying to convince myself that I AM still that person I was before I met him. I am trying to convince myself that I am the person that everyone else sees me to be.
There are little things like the fry daddy that I bought my son at a garage sale. I broke my own rule about never buy appliances at a garage sale. But...it was a small fry daddy and TJ likes to do fries and I get tired of him making a greasy mess all over my stove by using a pan of oil.
So I got it home and scrubbed it up. Plugged it in...and...nothing. So I finally took a screwdriver to it, took it apart then scrubbed all contacts inside and out with a wire brush. There was corrosion build up. I also had to scrub off the inside of the plug thingy (and that is some real technical jargon right there). I then plugged it in (after putting it all back together again, of course) and it worked! Sorry people...I paid you $2 for that and it is mine. No backsies.
I also found out the water heater has a slow small leak in the bottom of it. Do you know what it costs for me to pay someone to hook up a new one? Almost as much as the water heater! I am pretty sure I can hook it up myself. I have a manual! AND I know how to check for a gas leak. hhmmm...
I will think about it. That is what I have to take care of next week.
Still working on puttinig Bethany's bedroom furniture together. Her boyfriend Jordan put her bed together. It is a platform with storage drawers underneath. I told him when he started it would be good practice for when he had kids someday. By the time he got her bed together he looked at me and said, "I don't want kids...EVER!" Ok. I found a new form of birth control. LOL
I got what I need to get signed up for more classes. I am first going to take the first half of the Special Ed. Master's program. This will add Special Ed certification to my teaching license and Intervention Specialist. Then I can take the second half of the program later and get my Master's.
In the meantime...life goes on.
So tomorrow I get a tooth worked on for a crown. yay. Then I am going to a Christian rock concert at our church with my son and his fiancé. Wonder what my chances are of getting the ex monster spouse to pay for the crown on my tooth?
I also wonder if I get so depressed I start using crack then decide I need to get clean and end up at his place, knock on the door and tell him I need someone to help me, what are the chances he will take me in? okay...that wouldn't happen. I can't imagine being so bad off on crack that it would mess me up enough to ask HIM for help. Bwahahahaha....
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Preservation
5. Preserve your energy.
In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, “The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution.” You feel tired? You’re working two jobs … that’s why!
I am not sure I agree with that entirely. Another point in this article I was reading on how to survive divorce, was to take up crocheting...yuck...or read a really good book. I am reading 3 books at once and I am thinking I should just read the books and nothing else. But, if I do that, then who is going to do what needs to be done around here?
I have to go shopping for a new hot water heater. The one we have is at least 10 years old and it has a little leak in the bottom. My dad said hot water heaters only last an average of 10 years and there is no fixing them once they start to leak. yay.
I spent Saturday afternoon spraying the fence with water proofing/preservative. Today I planted a tree in the back yard.
I have been in so much PAIN for the last 3-4 days. I hobble. I feel like it takes a major amount of energy just to get around. Doing yard work today was so hard!! Saturday I was in such pain I actually cried...not a sobbing cry...just let the water leak from my eyes. I helped my son put his bed together the night before and move his mattress downstairs. I also discovered the water heater leak when I had to open the furnace and clean the flame sensing unit because while helping him put his bed together I heard the furnace keep trying to kick on but not succeed.
So today I fell down the rabbit hole again...cursing my pain, cursing my life...cursing the ex. I do know that things will change and get better but today I was not feeling so positive.
I know that things will be taken care of around here...maybe not as quickly as I would like but I just need to slow down and prioritize. Some things will be easier once he gets his crap out of here and I can deal with the rest. I am just itching to go through the garage and other places of the house with a big garbage bag. I want this house to be cleared of him. I am looking forward to May when he comes with the truck to get his stuff...and I am also dreading it because it will stir things up all over again. But...I will mentally prepare myself and by May my life should be in a better spot.
I have so many things I want to do with my life...and not just meaning career wise. I want to learn how to dance and I found a dance studio that is close by...but I need a partner to go with. I want to keep writing and hope to make what I'm writing better. I am thinking about joining the town orchestra...so many things.
In the meantime...what I NEED to do is get a new water heater and finish my daughter's room. The one thing I am going to do for myself to get me out of the house is join the women's bible study group on Wednesday night.
In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, “The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution.” You feel tired? You’re working two jobs … that’s why!
I am not sure I agree with that entirely. Another point in this article I was reading on how to survive divorce, was to take up crocheting...yuck...or read a really good book. I am reading 3 books at once and I am thinking I should just read the books and nothing else. But, if I do that, then who is going to do what needs to be done around here?
I have to go shopping for a new hot water heater. The one we have is at least 10 years old and it has a little leak in the bottom. My dad said hot water heaters only last an average of 10 years and there is no fixing them once they start to leak. yay.
I spent Saturday afternoon spraying the fence with water proofing/preservative. Today I planted a tree in the back yard.
I have been in so much PAIN for the last 3-4 days. I hobble. I feel like it takes a major amount of energy just to get around. Doing yard work today was so hard!! Saturday I was in such pain I actually cried...not a sobbing cry...just let the water leak from my eyes. I helped my son put his bed together the night before and move his mattress downstairs. I also discovered the water heater leak when I had to open the furnace and clean the flame sensing unit because while helping him put his bed together I heard the furnace keep trying to kick on but not succeed.
So today I fell down the rabbit hole again...cursing my pain, cursing my life...cursing the ex. I do know that things will change and get better but today I was not feeling so positive.
I know that things will be taken care of around here...maybe not as quickly as I would like but I just need to slow down and prioritize. Some things will be easier once he gets his crap out of here and I can deal with the rest. I am just itching to go through the garage and other places of the house with a big garbage bag. I want this house to be cleared of him. I am looking forward to May when he comes with the truck to get his stuff...and I am also dreading it because it will stir things up all over again. But...I will mentally prepare myself and by May my life should be in a better spot.
I have so many things I want to do with my life...and not just meaning career wise. I want to learn how to dance and I found a dance studio that is close by...but I need a partner to go with. I want to keep writing and hope to make what I'm writing better. I am thinking about joining the town orchestra...so many things.
In the meantime...what I NEED to do is get a new water heater and finish my daughter's room. The one thing I am going to do for myself to get me out of the house is join the women's bible study group on Wednesday night.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Faking It
Online dating is just...not...a situation that I understand.
My ex-MIL got on at least one online dating site and it worked out for her. Although at one point she thought she was going to run off to Florida and marry this guy that supposedly had a great house on the beach. THAT didn't happen...we all had a fit and she saw it for what it REALLY was. But then, she ended up with a pretty terrific guy that really loves her and takes such great care of her!
I have signed up briefly on a half dozen online dating sites to see what it is like and what is out there. This I what I found: lots of fake profiles and I was inundated with contacts from what seemed to be guys that were not who they portrayed themselves to be and are actually foreigners. All they wanted was information about my email account or FB account. And I am pretty sure it had something to do with hacking into the computer or accounts or downloading key logger malware...something not good.
IF I decide someday to try hooking up with someone it is going to have to be someone that I meet through someone else or meet in person on my own. That online crap is just that to me...crap.
This last week was pretty good...after the email thing with the Ex...cuz I didn't hear anything out of him after I sent him MY email. No text, call or email. And with each day that passed without hearing from him I felt a little better. Then I had to send him a text to ask him a question about one of his power tools....the battery charging. I needed to use a power drill to help with the bazillion screws that went into putting Bethany's platform bed together. He said that one battery was no good. Then he replied again with 'sorry'. I looked at that and felt irritated. So I replied with 'sorry for what? There's nothing to be sorry about!' But could I leave it at that? NNNOOOOOOOOooooo. I had to tell him this: 'You know the outlet in Bethany's room that needed replaced from day one...the one by her vanity? The one I reminded you about many times? Jordan replaced it. Now it works." He replied with, "I'm sorry for that too." Me: "why?" Him: "I should have done that." Me: "you were busy with your job...it happens. I was just letting you know that Jordan is helping."
*right there it sounds like I am NOT trying to make him feel guilty and I am letting him off the hook. But I'm not. I am messing with him. I have never been a game player but I am, in some sadistic way, enjoying this. And I don't care that this is going against the grain of who I am.
This last week was so busy! We took Bethany's room apart...took out the furniture, painted the walls a different color, removed the carpet and put in different carpet, then put her new furniture in a box together. TJ also got a new pedestal bed and mattress. I also had a fence to spray with preservative. Then I had cooking to do for the church's annual pig roast.
I haven't been to the church in a long time...about a year. Some of it has been because I was just so tired out from that crappy job that I had that after a week of that plus a Saturday spent catching up on house work, Sunday morning came and I just didn't want to move. Then when the shit hit the fan, I just didn't want to be around anyone. Today I went because I realized if I don't get out of the house soon, I may never leave. The 'news' about my divorce got around because not one person asked me how Troy is.
It was a good first move. I need to keep it up.
But this next week is full of things to do also. This last week caused my fibro to flare up in the worst way. I was in so much pain by Saturday I don't know how I moved. I used the cart in the grocery store as a walker. But when I was ready to crawl into bed I happened to remember the pain pills that doctor had given me a script for...and I found them in the medicine cabinet. I took 2 of them and passed out. I woke up 4 hours later with very little pain. Now I know how people can get addicted to them.
Onward and upward.
I did manage to send Troy a text that said something like this, "we both have let our thoughts and feelings be known. Now that is done. This is a new separate beginning for both of us. I don't care to dwell on the past anymore and feel bad and angry." He replied with, "ok. I can handle that" I am not doing it for him...I don't care if he can handle it. All I care about is that it helps ME. I am learning to care about ME. And that is not faking anything.
My ex-MIL got on at least one online dating site and it worked out for her. Although at one point she thought she was going to run off to Florida and marry this guy that supposedly had a great house on the beach. THAT didn't happen...we all had a fit and she saw it for what it REALLY was. But then, she ended up with a pretty terrific guy that really loves her and takes such great care of her!
I have signed up briefly on a half dozen online dating sites to see what it is like and what is out there. This I what I found: lots of fake profiles and I was inundated with contacts from what seemed to be guys that were not who they portrayed themselves to be and are actually foreigners. All they wanted was information about my email account or FB account. And I am pretty sure it had something to do with hacking into the computer or accounts or downloading key logger malware...something not good.
IF I decide someday to try hooking up with someone it is going to have to be someone that I meet through someone else or meet in person on my own. That online crap is just that to me...crap.
This last week was pretty good...after the email thing with the Ex...cuz I didn't hear anything out of him after I sent him MY email. No text, call or email. And with each day that passed without hearing from him I felt a little better. Then I had to send him a text to ask him a question about one of his power tools....the battery charging. I needed to use a power drill to help with the bazillion screws that went into putting Bethany's platform bed together. He said that one battery was no good. Then he replied again with 'sorry'. I looked at that and felt irritated. So I replied with 'sorry for what? There's nothing to be sorry about!' But could I leave it at that? NNNOOOOOOOOooooo. I had to tell him this: 'You know the outlet in Bethany's room that needed replaced from day one...the one by her vanity? The one I reminded you about many times? Jordan replaced it. Now it works." He replied with, "I'm sorry for that too." Me: "why?" Him: "I should have done that." Me: "you were busy with your job...it happens. I was just letting you know that Jordan is helping."
*right there it sounds like I am NOT trying to make him feel guilty and I am letting him off the hook. But I'm not. I am messing with him. I have never been a game player but I am, in some sadistic way, enjoying this. And I don't care that this is going against the grain of who I am.
This last week was so busy! We took Bethany's room apart...took out the furniture, painted the walls a different color, removed the carpet and put in different carpet, then put her new furniture in a box together. TJ also got a new pedestal bed and mattress. I also had a fence to spray with preservative. Then I had cooking to do for the church's annual pig roast.
I haven't been to the church in a long time...about a year. Some of it has been because I was just so tired out from that crappy job that I had that after a week of that plus a Saturday spent catching up on house work, Sunday morning came and I just didn't want to move. Then when the shit hit the fan, I just didn't want to be around anyone. Today I went because I realized if I don't get out of the house soon, I may never leave. The 'news' about my divorce got around because not one person asked me how Troy is.
It was a good first move. I need to keep it up.
But this next week is full of things to do also. This last week caused my fibro to flare up in the worst way. I was in so much pain by Saturday I don't know how I moved. I used the cart in the grocery store as a walker. But when I was ready to crawl into bed I happened to remember the pain pills that doctor had given me a script for...and I found them in the medicine cabinet. I took 2 of them and passed out. I woke up 4 hours later with very little pain. Now I know how people can get addicted to them.
Onward and upward.
I did manage to send Troy a text that said something like this, "we both have let our thoughts and feelings be known. Now that is done. This is a new separate beginning for both of us. I don't care to dwell on the past anymore and feel bad and angry." He replied with, "ok. I can handle that" I am not doing it for him...I don't care if he can handle it. All I care about is that it helps ME. I am learning to care about ME. And that is not faking anything.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
I Didn't Need It
This morning I was looking through pictures I saved on my computer and was clearing things out when, there it was. The last picture taken of me and Troy as a married couple. It was over Easter weekend this last April. It was the weekend that I really noticed Troy acting differently. It was the weekend he wanted to tell me he wanted a divorce but he chickened out.
I couldn't resist...I sent him a copy of it in his email and let him know it was the last couple photo of us. And while I meant it as a dig of some sort, what I got was my own fault. I asked for it.
He sent me back an email explaining to me why he asked for the divorce. He admitted to not giving me emotional support and bitching at me all the time. He admitted at not helping me further my schooling and helping me out in anyway so that I could do anything for myself career wise. He said that we both had different agendas and he never took the time to talk with me about anything.
But here was the kicker...the thing that set me off:
He said that we drifted far apart and neither one of us seemed interested in fixing it.
Neither one of us...
I replied to the email. I told him since he told me HIS thoughts about it all, I guess I had no reason to hold back my thoughts on the subject..after all, as he said somewhere in that email, it doesn't really matter anymore. I will spare anyone reading this as to what I told him.
Then, after I figured he had ample time to see it, I sent him a text and told him, since it didn't matter anymore, let us do each other a favor and no longer send emails hashing over the reason for our failed marriage. I am trying to move on.
I don't think I am trying TOO hard. I am still floundering. I am doing a lot of other things to keep myself busy and ignoring myself. It is what I have done for 25 years. I really need some help paying more attention to myself and doing what I need to move on.
I have to accept that I am the only one that will take care of me now. I realize now that what I did for years was insanity. I kept bending over backwards doing anything I could to make his life easy for him so that he MIGHT decide he actually likes me enough to want to spend any of his time with me.
I don't know how/why I got to be that way. Why would I do it for him? I never did it for anyone else. I don't ever want to allow myself to jump through hoops like that for anyone else again. I don't mind spreading myself thin and knocking myself out if someone really appreciates me and wants to spend time with me.
And he ends it with how much he still loves me and always will and he wants us to be friends and he will do whatever he can at anytime to help me if I need it.
He wants us to be friends. He STILL loves me. He never really LIKED me! We were never friends. At best, we are acquaintances that have 2 kids in common. We have the most dysfunctional marriage I have ever seen. I feel like the parents on "Everybody Loves Raymond". I would see the way older couples were portrayed on TV...insulting each other, etc. and wonder why they were even married..and here I was living a similar life.
I can move on...I can. I just need a shove in the right direction. But there is no one to do it. So many people have told me that I am a strong woman and smart and I can do it. Perhaps but I still feel like I need some help getting going and finding the direction I need to go. I helped Troy with that...I helped my kids with that...no one is helping ME with that.
I know what I WANT to do...so I need to do it. What AM I waiting for? A sign from above that says, "Go this way!" ?? I guess I am waiting for some reassurance from God of some sort. I didn't listen to Him before and I ended up in a 25 year 'marriage' that drained me and cut my self esteem to the quick.
I really don't want to talk with him. If it wasn't for the kids, the alimony...I could forget about him. I could.
I couldn't resist...I sent him a copy of it in his email and let him know it was the last couple photo of us. And while I meant it as a dig of some sort, what I got was my own fault. I asked for it.
He sent me back an email explaining to me why he asked for the divorce. He admitted to not giving me emotional support and bitching at me all the time. He admitted at not helping me further my schooling and helping me out in anyway so that I could do anything for myself career wise. He said that we both had different agendas and he never took the time to talk with me about anything.
But here was the kicker...the thing that set me off:
He said that we drifted far apart and neither one of us seemed interested in fixing it.
Neither one of us...
I replied to the email. I told him since he told me HIS thoughts about it all, I guess I had no reason to hold back my thoughts on the subject..after all, as he said somewhere in that email, it doesn't really matter anymore. I will spare anyone reading this as to what I told him.
Then, after I figured he had ample time to see it, I sent him a text and told him, since it didn't matter anymore, let us do each other a favor and no longer send emails hashing over the reason for our failed marriage. I am trying to move on.
I don't think I am trying TOO hard. I am still floundering. I am doing a lot of other things to keep myself busy and ignoring myself. It is what I have done for 25 years. I really need some help paying more attention to myself and doing what I need to move on.
I have to accept that I am the only one that will take care of me now. I realize now that what I did for years was insanity. I kept bending over backwards doing anything I could to make his life easy for him so that he MIGHT decide he actually likes me enough to want to spend any of his time with me.
I don't know how/why I got to be that way. Why would I do it for him? I never did it for anyone else. I don't ever want to allow myself to jump through hoops like that for anyone else again. I don't mind spreading myself thin and knocking myself out if someone really appreciates me and wants to spend time with me.
And he ends it with how much he still loves me and always will and he wants us to be friends and he will do whatever he can at anytime to help me if I need it.
He wants us to be friends. He STILL loves me. He never really LIKED me! We were never friends. At best, we are acquaintances that have 2 kids in common. We have the most dysfunctional marriage I have ever seen. I feel like the parents on "Everybody Loves Raymond". I would see the way older couples were portrayed on TV...insulting each other, etc. and wonder why they were even married..and here I was living a similar life.
I can move on...I can. I just need a shove in the right direction. But there is no one to do it. So many people have told me that I am a strong woman and smart and I can do it. Perhaps but I still feel like I need some help getting going and finding the direction I need to go. I helped Troy with that...I helped my kids with that...no one is helping ME with that.
I know what I WANT to do...so I need to do it. What AM I waiting for? A sign from above that says, "Go this way!" ?? I guess I am waiting for some reassurance from God of some sort. I didn't listen to Him before and I ended up in a 25 year 'marriage' that drained me and cut my self esteem to the quick.
I really don't want to talk with him. If it wasn't for the kids, the alimony...I could forget about him. I could.
Friday, October 17, 2014
And Now...
Spent a few days up north with my eldest sister and my parents. They kept me busy.
My sister's husband gave me a hand gun. I have no bullets for it and I need to take shooting lessons so for now it is a small club. I don't like the idea of ever shooting anyone and I hope I never have to do that. I don't mind hitting someone with my stun gun. Must hurt like a bitch but at least they have a much better chance of survival and I have a good chance of getting away and getting the police here.
I was actually pretty quiet the whole time I was there. I know they noticed. My mother hovered. I finally told her I am still trying to get my life in order mentally. I have to reorder a whole future. I have to figure out my next move.
In the meantime I am trying to get some things in order around the house. I have maintenance to do also.
I have enjoyed having a full table of people at least once a week. TJ, Bethany, Brittany, Jordan, Amy, Amber. They all joke and laugh and it gives a sort of happiness to the day...and a sort of sadness. I know it is dumb but I look at the other end of the table and wish there was a husband there to share it with. Troy actually did enjoy having the table full, too. Although I think the 'kids' talk and joke more without him there.
He called my cell phone Tuesday...the day after I got back home. I let it go to voice mail but he didn't leave one. Then he called right back...I let it go to VM...again he didn't leave one. Then he called again. I lunged for the phone because I thought it must be really important if he keeps calling and doesn't leave a VM. It wasn't. It was something he could have sent a text about. And THEN he asks me how my weekend was, how my parents are, etc. I sighed. I told him the weekend was fine, my parents are well...none committal. SERIOUSLY?
On my way to my sister's my son txtd me that he had nearly gotten into an accident on his way to his second job. A female took off at high speed into the intersection to make a left turn at the light and my son was halfway across. He slammed on the brakes...and I don't know why he would hit his brakes instead of hitting the accelerator. He said she stopped just short of hitting him. But he blew out a brake line. I was going to turn around and head back home...I was only about an hour out. He insisted he could get it to Grismer in the morning to get it fixed. I knew they would charge more than the mechanic but it takes a couple of days to get into Adam's and TJ needed his car for work over the weekend. If I had gone home we would have had another vehicle to work with and he could have waited. But I let him take care of it. And yes, Grismer charged twice as much as Adam. Troy said he would give TJ half of the money back. He can be a puzzlement. I am just glad he is feeling generous.
Bethany had sent me a txt the night before I left. She asked me if she could spend the night at Amber's. I looked at the text and kind of giggled. I texted her back and said, "you're 19 now. The proper way to put that is, if you don't need me for anything, I am spending the night at Amber's." She texted back and said, "ok. thank you for allowing me to be an adult." LOL
Jordan helped me today put some gutter guard on my gutters since I am afraid of heights. I need more and he is willing to help finish the job. TJ mowed most of the lawn. It is nice to have help.
I hope Troy finds it better to talk with those friends he wanted to get a divorce to party with instead of me.
And I have not taken up with counseling. I am allowing myself to settle. I am praying and arranging my life. I am okay with me the way I am right now. Not looking for a companion at this time. I figure if I can get my life going in a direction that I am comfortable with then someone will come along and I can ease myself into a relationship. Troy may start dating sooner than I do..but it is not a race. If he finds someone that can make him smile and want to spend time with more than his party friends that WOW! I really do not want him to be alone. Who wants to be alone? I would like to find someone that appreciates my independence and weird humor...my Lorelei Gilmore-ness. But I would like to find him further down the road. I have a lot of my own work to do.
My sister's husband gave me a hand gun. I have no bullets for it and I need to take shooting lessons so for now it is a small club. I don't like the idea of ever shooting anyone and I hope I never have to do that. I don't mind hitting someone with my stun gun. Must hurt like a bitch but at least they have a much better chance of survival and I have a good chance of getting away and getting the police here.
I was actually pretty quiet the whole time I was there. I know they noticed. My mother hovered. I finally told her I am still trying to get my life in order mentally. I have to reorder a whole future. I have to figure out my next move.
In the meantime I am trying to get some things in order around the house. I have maintenance to do also.
I have enjoyed having a full table of people at least once a week. TJ, Bethany, Brittany, Jordan, Amy, Amber. They all joke and laugh and it gives a sort of happiness to the day...and a sort of sadness. I know it is dumb but I look at the other end of the table and wish there was a husband there to share it with. Troy actually did enjoy having the table full, too. Although I think the 'kids' talk and joke more without him there.
He called my cell phone Tuesday...the day after I got back home. I let it go to voice mail but he didn't leave one. Then he called right back...I let it go to VM...again he didn't leave one. Then he called again. I lunged for the phone because I thought it must be really important if he keeps calling and doesn't leave a VM. It wasn't. It was something he could have sent a text about. And THEN he asks me how my weekend was, how my parents are, etc. I sighed. I told him the weekend was fine, my parents are well...none committal. SERIOUSLY?
On my way to my sister's my son txtd me that he had nearly gotten into an accident on his way to his second job. A female took off at high speed into the intersection to make a left turn at the light and my son was halfway across. He slammed on the brakes...and I don't know why he would hit his brakes instead of hitting the accelerator. He said she stopped just short of hitting him. But he blew out a brake line. I was going to turn around and head back home...I was only about an hour out. He insisted he could get it to Grismer in the morning to get it fixed. I knew they would charge more than the mechanic but it takes a couple of days to get into Adam's and TJ needed his car for work over the weekend. If I had gone home we would have had another vehicle to work with and he could have waited. But I let him take care of it. And yes, Grismer charged twice as much as Adam. Troy said he would give TJ half of the money back. He can be a puzzlement. I am just glad he is feeling generous.
Bethany had sent me a txt the night before I left. She asked me if she could spend the night at Amber's. I looked at the text and kind of giggled. I texted her back and said, "you're 19 now. The proper way to put that is, if you don't need me for anything, I am spending the night at Amber's." She texted back and said, "ok. thank you for allowing me to be an adult." LOL
Jordan helped me today put some gutter guard on my gutters since I am afraid of heights. I need more and he is willing to help finish the job. TJ mowed most of the lawn. It is nice to have help.
I hope Troy finds it better to talk with those friends he wanted to get a divorce to party with instead of me.
And I have not taken up with counseling. I am allowing myself to settle. I am praying and arranging my life. I am okay with me the way I am right now. Not looking for a companion at this time. I figure if I can get my life going in a direction that I am comfortable with then someone will come along and I can ease myself into a relationship. Troy may start dating sooner than I do..but it is not a race. If he finds someone that can make him smile and want to spend time with more than his party friends that WOW! I really do not want him to be alone. Who wants to be alone? I would like to find someone that appreciates my independence and weird humor...my Lorelei Gilmore-ness. But I would like to find him further down the road. I have a lot of my own work to do.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Taking Up Where You Left Off
So 'he' popped in at the house off and on a few times throughout the week. He stopped in Monday to have lunch with the kids (he called and asked first..and I was supposed to be included but I had already had lunch and was busy). Then he stopped in Tuesday, quickly, to leave his car here while he road with the other company guy to Cleveland and Columbus for the next couple of days. He was back on Thursday afternoon...the kids weren't here...and I had him go through cupboards and closets and pull out what was his and he was taking. I also pulled out lots of other things that he had forgotten about and told him he should take it. He was surprised. I am NOT a soul sucking bitch. He didn't say that but he, I guess, assumed that everything in the cupboards, etc. was just staying here. I told him if there was something that he wanted just mention it. If it was something I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of, we could talk about it and he could have a chance to convince me he needed it more. We really didn't have to go there.
He came back later that evening when TJ got off work at his second job to have dinner with him...he brought food. I let Bethany know that her dad was going to be here and at what time...she was out with Jordan. They got here at the same time he did.
Back to Monday...after they had lunch and TJ had taken off, Bethany was getting ready for work and I had a chance to have that face to face talk with Troy. I said, "you keep saying you love me, yet, it seems to me if you really loved me, a person would go to counseling to save the marriage instead of going for divorce." He just looked at me expressionless and said nothing. I said, "That right there says it all. Do NOT keep telling me you still love me...you don't. You MIGHT care about me to some small extent but you don't love me." We talked round and round in circles and I finally told him, "We are getting absolutely nowhere. You might as well leave." So, he did. He called me later to ask me something, and I don't remember what it was. Whatever it was I didn't care.
Troy drove here instead of taking the plane. He said the messed up his reservation and was being bumped so he decided to drive. It really made no sense since he got here by driving at about the same time he would have if he flew. WHATEVER!
The funny thing was he got time to spend talking with Jordan and getting to know him. I am not sure what the conversation was Thursday night as I spent that time out in the sunroom talking with my mom on the phone...she called to see how I was holding up. Whatever was said, Jordan had a view of Troy as borderline mental stability problems.
Friday morning I picked him up at his hotel and we stopped for coffee. I drove us to the lawyer's office, we went in together, read over the papers, signed and then we all walked down the street to the courthouse together. The lawyer told us that our divorce was a first for him...fastest and he had never had a divorcing couple show up for the divorce in the same car.
The judge signed the papers, we went to the bank and sorted out all of the financial things and I ended up with more than I thought I was going to end up with. He even gave me money to buy the preservative for the fence since I pointed out to him how I was going to have to put another layer on before the snow falls.
He came back and packed up his stuff..we all sat and ate a late lunch/early dinner before Bethany went to work. He fell asleep for a couple hours then put the boxes in his car and left.
Before he left, however, I got the total answer to why HE wanted a divorce.
During lunch he admitted that almost every Friday he would head over to James and Eddie's and start partying all night...and that would pretty much put him out for the weekend. He liked not having a relationship because he went home at night and it was quiet ( because I talked SO much).
So, it is all about this: his life was interrupted by 25 years of marriage and raising kids. Now he can take up where he left off when he was 24.
He says he wants us to remain friends and help each other out. He is being oh so sweet...more than he ever has. He said at least 3 times on Friday that he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing.
Here is how I see it...he has bought himself 4 guns since he moved to Kansas. I never allowed him to buy guns and have them in the house when we were married...mainly because of his temper and substance abuse history. Now he has 4 guns, parties every weekend (and I am not sure what all he is partying with) and he has a nasty temper. I can see a real problem coming to a head at some point. He knows if he gets into trouble or loses his job then he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He is wanting to keep me on a long rope...thinks he can play me.
He has done me the biggest favor anyone has every done for me. I know he is 'helping' me now however, that does not mean that I owe him salvation from his immature, reckless behavior.
My kids? Bethany asked me after he left if he is going through a mid-life crisis. I told her no, he is just being himself. TJ pondered whether or not his dad realizes he is NOT 24 anymore and how old he looks...so much older than the age he is. I told him that he has never let that stop him or get into the reality in his brain.
Even after all of that, I woke up Saturday morning thinking about that fact that I am NOT married anymore. It sort of feels weird since I have been "MRS" for 25 years and now I am just "MS". And in that way I feel broken. On the other hand, I was married in name...I was never really part of a couple since he never really did anything much with me. I have been alone for 25 years. I really do hope that I find another half...a REAL partner...someone that likes spending time with me and doing things with me. I am not talking about marriage again...I may get to that point but not in a hurry.
The other development...Jordan began texting me Friday night about his feelings for our daughter...and he went on and on. I finally asked him if he was smoking pizza (he works at Dominoes before he returns to college in November). He got my message and responded with, "yeah...I need to quit that." And he quit texting. LOL I like him but wow...
He came back later that evening when TJ got off work at his second job to have dinner with him...he brought food. I let Bethany know that her dad was going to be here and at what time...she was out with Jordan. They got here at the same time he did.
Back to Monday...after they had lunch and TJ had taken off, Bethany was getting ready for work and I had a chance to have that face to face talk with Troy. I said, "you keep saying you love me, yet, it seems to me if you really loved me, a person would go to counseling to save the marriage instead of going for divorce." He just looked at me expressionless and said nothing. I said, "That right there says it all. Do NOT keep telling me you still love me...you don't. You MIGHT care about me to some small extent but you don't love me." We talked round and round in circles and I finally told him, "We are getting absolutely nowhere. You might as well leave." So, he did. He called me later to ask me something, and I don't remember what it was. Whatever it was I didn't care.
Troy drove here instead of taking the plane. He said the messed up his reservation and was being bumped so he decided to drive. It really made no sense since he got here by driving at about the same time he would have if he flew. WHATEVER!
The funny thing was he got time to spend talking with Jordan and getting to know him. I am not sure what the conversation was Thursday night as I spent that time out in the sunroom talking with my mom on the phone...she called to see how I was holding up. Whatever was said, Jordan had a view of Troy as borderline mental stability problems.
Friday morning I picked him up at his hotel and we stopped for coffee. I drove us to the lawyer's office, we went in together, read over the papers, signed and then we all walked down the street to the courthouse together. The lawyer told us that our divorce was a first for him...fastest and he had never had a divorcing couple show up for the divorce in the same car.
The judge signed the papers, we went to the bank and sorted out all of the financial things and I ended up with more than I thought I was going to end up with. He even gave me money to buy the preservative for the fence since I pointed out to him how I was going to have to put another layer on before the snow falls.
He came back and packed up his stuff..we all sat and ate a late lunch/early dinner before Bethany went to work. He fell asleep for a couple hours then put the boxes in his car and left.
Before he left, however, I got the total answer to why HE wanted a divorce.
During lunch he admitted that almost every Friday he would head over to James and Eddie's and start partying all night...and that would pretty much put him out for the weekend. He liked not having a relationship because he went home at night and it was quiet ( because I talked SO much).
So, it is all about this: his life was interrupted by 25 years of marriage and raising kids. Now he can take up where he left off when he was 24.
He says he wants us to remain friends and help each other out. He is being oh so sweet...more than he ever has. He said at least 3 times on Friday that he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing.
Here is how I see it...he has bought himself 4 guns since he moved to Kansas. I never allowed him to buy guns and have them in the house when we were married...mainly because of his temper and substance abuse history. Now he has 4 guns, parties every weekend (and I am not sure what all he is partying with) and he has a nasty temper. I can see a real problem coming to a head at some point. He knows if he gets into trouble or loses his job then he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He is wanting to keep me on a long rope...thinks he can play me.
He has done me the biggest favor anyone has every done for me. I know he is 'helping' me now however, that does not mean that I owe him salvation from his immature, reckless behavior.
My kids? Bethany asked me after he left if he is going through a mid-life crisis. I told her no, he is just being himself. TJ pondered whether or not his dad realizes he is NOT 24 anymore and how old he looks...so much older than the age he is. I told him that he has never let that stop him or get into the reality in his brain.
Even after all of that, I woke up Saturday morning thinking about that fact that I am NOT married anymore. It sort of feels weird since I have been "MRS" for 25 years and now I am just "MS". And in that way I feel broken. On the other hand, I was married in name...I was never really part of a couple since he never really did anything much with me. I have been alone for 25 years. I really do hope that I find another half...a REAL partner...someone that likes spending time with me and doing things with me. I am not talking about marriage again...I may get to that point but not in a hurry.
The other development...Jordan began texting me Friday night about his feelings for our daughter...and he went on and on. I finally asked him if he was smoking pizza (he works at Dominoes before he returns to college in November). He got my message and responded with, "yeah...I need to quit that." And he quit texting. LOL I like him but wow...
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Spread It Around
The one thing about being a Christian and asking God for prayers to be answered....if you don't want the answer, don't ask. And if you ask you better be open to receive the answer.
I am also the kind of person that is more than willing to consider my part in a problem.
So I asked God...prayed very meaningfully for some understanding. I wanted to understand something about this divorce that would help me get through it, over it, around it....
He answered me. Wasn't what I was expecting but...I got it!
I think it is because there was nobody/nothing in my way. God was finally able to get through to me...after 53 years. It was 'wow'.
All these years I was so angry at Troy...he never new how to communicate with me. But he HAD tried. I wasn't listening to HIM.
I can admit to it. I made it difficult for him to communicate with me. I am a good person and I can take care of everyone. I was just not a good wife. I have been, as they say, 'emotionally unavailable'. I never really understood what that meant until when it came to defining my problem.
Troy bought me a t shirt once with Grumpy on the front and it said, "I don't do hugs". pretty much sums it up. Not cuz I don't like hugs...but I just did not display my emotions. And my inability to express myself lead him to believe I was unapproving of him, did not love him, was not happy with him.
Also, once I became mom, I changed my interaction with him...on a regular basis. That right there should have told me I needed to get some counseling.
So, since I have already tanked one marriage and a various relationships, I have signed up for counseling so that I can move forward and possibly have a healthy, happy life from here on out.
I am also the kind of person that is more than willing to consider my part in a problem.
So I asked God...prayed very meaningfully for some understanding. I wanted to understand something about this divorce that would help me get through it, over it, around it....
He answered me. Wasn't what I was expecting but...I got it!
I think it is because there was nobody/nothing in my way. God was finally able to get through to me...after 53 years. It was 'wow'.
All these years I was so angry at Troy...he never new how to communicate with me. But he HAD tried. I wasn't listening to HIM.
I can admit to it. I made it difficult for him to communicate with me. I am a good person and I can take care of everyone. I was just not a good wife. I have been, as they say, 'emotionally unavailable'. I never really understood what that meant until when it came to defining my problem.
Troy bought me a t shirt once with Grumpy on the front and it said, "I don't do hugs". pretty much sums it up. Not cuz I don't like hugs...but I just did not display my emotions. And my inability to express myself lead him to believe I was unapproving of him, did not love him, was not happy with him.
Also, once I became mom, I changed my interaction with him...on a regular basis. That right there should have told me I needed to get some counseling.
So, since I have already tanked one marriage and a various relationships, I have signed up for counseling so that I can move forward and possibly have a healthy, happy life from here on out.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Coming Out of the Woodwork
It's amazing that once ppl figured out I was going through a divorce how many others there are that I didn't know had gone through this. They share their divorce stories and how they got through it. Most of the stories about the ex-husband's actions sound pretty similar to my soon-to-be-ex. There is still a lot of hurt and anger. I am sure I will always carry that hurt and feeling of betrayal with me where he is concerned. I can't just dismiss this with 'He is what he is'. But I will move on. I have no choice. I refuse to let this end me or define the rest of my life.
I did, however, decide that the way he did this has shown a lack of respect...besides cowardliness. And, as such, am giving myself a birthday present. Instead of our son picking him up from the airport to go to his hotel...then going out to dinner with the kids, I am going to pick him up from the airport and take him back to his hotel room so we can have a face-to-face. THEN he can go out to dinner with the kids.
Doing a divorce by phone and email is just not right. Being told by your husband he wants a divorce by email is crap...then working it out over the phone and via email and txt is crap.
I need some closure. I shared my life with him for 25 years...he pulled me through drug abuse, abandonment, identity theft, bankruptcy and more moves than I care to count. He owes me a face-to-face. I promise not to do bodily harm. There will not be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
And perhaps afterwards I can find a way to move on. God will guide me. He has a new life waiting for me NOW.
I did, however, decide that the way he did this has shown a lack of respect...besides cowardliness. And, as such, am giving myself a birthday present. Instead of our son picking him up from the airport to go to his hotel...then going out to dinner with the kids, I am going to pick him up from the airport and take him back to his hotel room so we can have a face-to-face. THEN he can go out to dinner with the kids.
Doing a divorce by phone and email is just not right. Being told by your husband he wants a divorce by email is crap...then working it out over the phone and via email and txt is crap.
I need some closure. I shared my life with him for 25 years...he pulled me through drug abuse, abandonment, identity theft, bankruptcy and more moves than I care to count. He owes me a face-to-face. I promise not to do bodily harm. There will not be wailing and gnashing of teeth.
And perhaps afterwards I can find a way to move on. God will guide me. He has a new life waiting for me NOW.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
0 to 60
82 days. This divorce process took about the same amount of time as it took to throw my wedding together. Actually, I think the wedding prep took longer. Yeah...pretty sure wedding prep took longer. Not by much, though.
82 days from "I want a divorce" to officially signing the papers that unties the knot that was tied just a little over 25 years ago.
I have wasted a whole day going from crying to tired...to wanting to dive into a few bottles of wine...
I don't know why it is bothering me so much. The change will be minimal. This last year has been shit. He left...hardly saw him...and hardly spoke. A lot of the phone conversations were him yelling at me and lecturing me over money. He never really asked how things were going at home...how anyone was doing...what was going on.
Disengaged.
My future is wide open. My son said I was unhappy and would not have done this myself because of "it's the devil you know" syndrome. He's probably right. I liked to think it was more because I didn't want to give up. But he is probably more on track,
The lawyer had called today to tell me the court date. I passed it on to 'him' and told him I really didn't want to communicate with him anymore today. My mother's sage advice was, "go to the store and buy yourself some good ice cream...it really will help."
I did her one better...I finished off a bottle of Chianti and opened a bottle of Malbec. I think that will really make me feel better.
It is my daughter's 19th birthday today. Our family is having a birthday dinner for her tomorrow night because she AND her brother will not be working and her bf will get off work in time for dinner. Today her friends took her out for dinner. This was good cuz I didn't want to poop on her birthday.
I need a really long sleep. But first...I have a load of laundry to do and a family room and diningroom to sweep.
82 days from "I want a divorce" to officially signing the papers that unties the knot that was tied just a little over 25 years ago.
I have wasted a whole day going from crying to tired...to wanting to dive into a few bottles of wine...
I don't know why it is bothering me so much. The change will be minimal. This last year has been shit. He left...hardly saw him...and hardly spoke. A lot of the phone conversations were him yelling at me and lecturing me over money. He never really asked how things were going at home...how anyone was doing...what was going on.
Disengaged.
My future is wide open. My son said I was unhappy and would not have done this myself because of "it's the devil you know" syndrome. He's probably right. I liked to think it was more because I didn't want to give up. But he is probably more on track,
The lawyer had called today to tell me the court date. I passed it on to 'him' and told him I really didn't want to communicate with him anymore today. My mother's sage advice was, "go to the store and buy yourself some good ice cream...it really will help."
I did her one better...I finished off a bottle of Chianti and opened a bottle of Malbec. I think that will really make me feel better.
It is my daughter's 19th birthday today. Our family is having a birthday dinner for her tomorrow night because she AND her brother will not be working and her bf will get off work in time for dinner. Today her friends took her out for dinner. This was good cuz I didn't want to poop on her birthday.
I need a really long sleep. But first...I have a load of laundry to do and a family room and diningroom to sweep.
Friday, September 12, 2014
Tsunami
What do you do when the life you knew is all washed away in the blink of an eye?
I know other people have been through worse. But I always go back to the words of my son, "That's not my reality. That is not what I am dealing with."
I am not making light of what others have been through. But my son is correct...this is my life, this is my reality.
There was a time when I was a teenager that I was at a pool party. I didn't really go there to swim. It was a short visit and I had somewhere else to be. One guy thought it would be funny to drop me into the deep end of the pool. I was screaming at him to NOT drop me in...clothes and all. He laughed and dropped me. I was wearing glasses at the time. I immediately tried to swim to the surface but someone else pushed THAT guy into the pool and he fell on me...pushing me down to the bottom before I ever reached the surface. Then someone else got pushed into the pool...and THEY fell on me...pushing me down again. I lost my glasses...but someone jumped in and grabbed my shirt and pulled me to the side and pushed me to the surface. I was gasping for air. The person that helped me also went back down and found my glasses. I got out and, once I got my lungs full, I started screaming and hitting the guy that dropped me into the pool in the first place.
This is how I feel. Lost my job, husband told me he wanted a divorce, and my dad had a potentially life ending problem. And I want to scream and beat someone.
I have been trying to figure out why I am mostly focused in on the end of my marriage. Why does it depress me so? Am I depressed at wasting so much of my time and energy for 25 years on a crappy marriage? Am I depressed because I was the definition of 'insane' and kept hanging on doing things over and over again and expecting things to change?
I have really thought about our relationship...especially HIM. My son is pretty perceptive and comes up with some gems. He said that his dad just never knew how to have a relationship. My cousin told me this morning that Troy was all flash and talk...no real caring and substance.
And they both are right. The kids said that their dad just threw money at a situation and thought that fixed everything. He never got that the part that I loved the most was any time we spent together. It wasn't presents or things....just time he spent with me or the family...even just having family movie nights.
And the way he yelled at me when I needed his sympathy and support. I was there for him to help him up and out of messes. And even worse...I would sit and figure out what I had done to cause him to do what he did. I wasted so much time! So much guilt I piled on myself over things that weren't my fault.
I also realized another thing...my mom was right. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Everyone else around me is now telling me how much better off I am because...then fill in with all the descriptions of his flawed personality/cold, uncaring nature, etc.
Doesn't make me feel any better about knocking my head against the wall for the past 25 years...
I know other people have been through worse. But I always go back to the words of my son, "That's not my reality. That is not what I am dealing with."
I am not making light of what others have been through. But my son is correct...this is my life, this is my reality.
There was a time when I was a teenager that I was at a pool party. I didn't really go there to swim. It was a short visit and I had somewhere else to be. One guy thought it would be funny to drop me into the deep end of the pool. I was screaming at him to NOT drop me in...clothes and all. He laughed and dropped me. I was wearing glasses at the time. I immediately tried to swim to the surface but someone else pushed THAT guy into the pool and he fell on me...pushing me down to the bottom before I ever reached the surface. Then someone else got pushed into the pool...and THEY fell on me...pushing me down again. I lost my glasses...but someone jumped in and grabbed my shirt and pulled me to the side and pushed me to the surface. I was gasping for air. The person that helped me also went back down and found my glasses. I got out and, once I got my lungs full, I started screaming and hitting the guy that dropped me into the pool in the first place.
This is how I feel. Lost my job, husband told me he wanted a divorce, and my dad had a potentially life ending problem. And I want to scream and beat someone.
I have been trying to figure out why I am mostly focused in on the end of my marriage. Why does it depress me so? Am I depressed at wasting so much of my time and energy for 25 years on a crappy marriage? Am I depressed because I was the definition of 'insane' and kept hanging on doing things over and over again and expecting things to change?
I have really thought about our relationship...especially HIM. My son is pretty perceptive and comes up with some gems. He said that his dad just never knew how to have a relationship. My cousin told me this morning that Troy was all flash and talk...no real caring and substance.
And they both are right. The kids said that their dad just threw money at a situation and thought that fixed everything. He never got that the part that I loved the most was any time we spent together. It wasn't presents or things....just time he spent with me or the family...even just having family movie nights.
And the way he yelled at me when I needed his sympathy and support. I was there for him to help him up and out of messes. And even worse...I would sit and figure out what I had done to cause him to do what he did. I wasted so much time! So much guilt I piled on myself over things that weren't my fault.
I also realized another thing...my mom was right. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Everyone else around me is now telling me how much better off I am because...then fill in with all the descriptions of his flawed personality/cold, uncaring nature, etc.
Doesn't make me feel any better about knocking my head against the wall for the past 25 years...
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Working Fast
It was quite the week. I finished getting the old carpet up off the family room floor. I made dinners for the kids to pull out of the fridge and microwave while I was gone. AND I mowed the lawn before I left on Monday.
Dad didn't go in for his procedure on Tuesday...the doctor's office dropped the ball. So it was postponed for a day. It was a long day on Wednesday. There was A LOT of clot to clear out. They injected some kind of 'flush' into his artery when they finished Wednesday and Thursday morning they did the procedure again just to make sure it was all clear. And they pronounced him clot free!
Friday morning I was packing and going to follow my mom and older sister up to the hospital and leave for home from there. Dad was getting out. As I was getting ready I saw something in the mirror behind me. So I turned around and watched. I screamed and ran out of the room closing the door behind me. There was a bat in the room. The house has NEVER had a bat in it. My mother was terrified and trying to think of someone to call to get the bat. I told her to get me a broom and a garbage bag. Then while she was on the phone with my oldest sister I snuck into the room with the broom and bag and closed the door behind me. I whacked that thing 3 times. The third time was the hardest...it fell on the bed...I had made the bed yet. While it lay there stunned, I placed the broom over it. Boy those things are noisy! Then I threw the covers over it so I could get the screen out of the window. Once I managed that and opened the window as wide as I could, I threw the covers back and lifted the broom. As it took off in flight I hauled off and hit it towards the window. But it grabbed the curtain rod and was going to hang upside down...until I hit it out the window. It took off flying over the marsh at the bottom of the hill out beyond my parents' back yard.
My mother was knocking on the door asking me if I was okay. I opened it up and said, "You're welcome."
I told her I was glad I was going home. LOL
There is something about being in this house. It sucks all the will out of me. I have to force myself to do anything. Tomorrow I am forcing myself to get outside and do some work in the yard. My mom sent me home with 4 buckets full of perennials. I just need to clear some ground and decide where I am going to put them. I am going to start work on the backyard and see if I can get any closer to making it look the way I had wanted to when we first moved in here....6 years ago.
We have been in this town for 10 years now. That is the longest span of time I have lived in any one place since I got out of college.
I have painting to do too. Inside AND out.
But before I get too busy with that, I need to get things straightened around with my unemployment and make sure to get signed up for subbing and get signed up for classes for my master's AND get Bethany signed up to return to college in November.
I need a plan...a list of what I need to do and when I need to do it. Guess I'll get that done today. I am being a lump today. Other than the occasional load of laundry.
I did have a discussion with the Almost-Ex Thursday evening. He called about a text I had sent him. I told him he didn't need to call and discuss it with me since it was just an FYI kind of text. AND I told him that once this divorce is final I expect a good long spell of radio silence from him so that I can get used to the idea that I am no longer married and I am on my own...for real. I also told him that I was not planning on being alone forever. I have had enough alone. I am not thinking I want to get married anytime real soon. I just want someone I can go places with and spend some time with once in a while so that I don't feel lonely. I am not sure how he took that...not sure he really gave it much thought. There was a silence then a real quiet, "I understand." DO YOU??? And yes, I have thought about the idea that he will find someone else to date, etc. It has slowly been sinking into my brain.
Not sure where I would find someone else. Suppose he will be there when the time is right. I may just decide to do my shopping at the Kroger store on Saturday nights, along with all the sad, lonely, divorced/single people. LOL
Dad didn't go in for his procedure on Tuesday...the doctor's office dropped the ball. So it was postponed for a day. It was a long day on Wednesday. There was A LOT of clot to clear out. They injected some kind of 'flush' into his artery when they finished Wednesday and Thursday morning they did the procedure again just to make sure it was all clear. And they pronounced him clot free!
Friday morning I was packing and going to follow my mom and older sister up to the hospital and leave for home from there. Dad was getting out. As I was getting ready I saw something in the mirror behind me. So I turned around and watched. I screamed and ran out of the room closing the door behind me. There was a bat in the room. The house has NEVER had a bat in it. My mother was terrified and trying to think of someone to call to get the bat. I told her to get me a broom and a garbage bag. Then while she was on the phone with my oldest sister I snuck into the room with the broom and bag and closed the door behind me. I whacked that thing 3 times. The third time was the hardest...it fell on the bed...I had made the bed yet. While it lay there stunned, I placed the broom over it. Boy those things are noisy! Then I threw the covers over it so I could get the screen out of the window. Once I managed that and opened the window as wide as I could, I threw the covers back and lifted the broom. As it took off in flight I hauled off and hit it towards the window. But it grabbed the curtain rod and was going to hang upside down...until I hit it out the window. It took off flying over the marsh at the bottom of the hill out beyond my parents' back yard.
My mother was knocking on the door asking me if I was okay. I opened it up and said, "You're welcome."
I told her I was glad I was going home. LOL
There is something about being in this house. It sucks all the will out of me. I have to force myself to do anything. Tomorrow I am forcing myself to get outside and do some work in the yard. My mom sent me home with 4 buckets full of perennials. I just need to clear some ground and decide where I am going to put them. I am going to start work on the backyard and see if I can get any closer to making it look the way I had wanted to when we first moved in here....6 years ago.
We have been in this town for 10 years now. That is the longest span of time I have lived in any one place since I got out of college.
I have painting to do too. Inside AND out.
But before I get too busy with that, I need to get things straightened around with my unemployment and make sure to get signed up for subbing and get signed up for classes for my master's AND get Bethany signed up to return to college in November.
I need a plan...a list of what I need to do and when I need to do it. Guess I'll get that done today. I am being a lump today. Other than the occasional load of laundry.
I did have a discussion with the Almost-Ex Thursday evening. He called about a text I had sent him. I told him he didn't need to call and discuss it with me since it was just an FYI kind of text. AND I told him that once this divorce is final I expect a good long spell of radio silence from him so that I can get used to the idea that I am no longer married and I am on my own...for real. I also told him that I was not planning on being alone forever. I have had enough alone. I am not thinking I want to get married anytime real soon. I just want someone I can go places with and spend some time with once in a while so that I don't feel lonely. I am not sure how he took that...not sure he really gave it much thought. There was a silence then a real quiet, "I understand." DO YOU??? And yes, I have thought about the idea that he will find someone else to date, etc. It has slowly been sinking into my brain.
Not sure where I would find someone else. Suppose he will be there when the time is right. I may just decide to do my shopping at the Kroger store on Saturday nights, along with all the sad, lonely, divorced/single people. LOL
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Wear Me Out
I learned how to use the electric edger. It took me 5 hours, not all in one day, to edge the sidewalks and drive way.
THEN I was going to put new flooring in the family room. I was going to take up the carpet and put down this vinyl planking. So before I went to Lowe's to get the flooring I pulled up the carpet to look at the sub floor and was amazed and delighted! Underneath was a laminate parquet floor! YAY! chaching! Just saved a lot of money and time!
Just getting the carpet up and cut into pieces for the garbage...wow. But it is so nice! And with the money I saved on flooring I used some of to buy slip covers for the family room couch and wing backed chair. I am changing the color of the room.
I am headed up to my parents' house for the week. Dad is going in for surgery Tuesday morning in a part of Cleveland my mom isn't used to and she is just worn out by everything. She has had enough of spending time in hospitals with my oldest sister and my brother. Since I have plenty of time I will take my turn.
My son is working 2 part time Jobs now. He has been promoted to supervisor at the grocery store but arranged to only work 4 nights a week ( or 28 hrs a week) and he is working the boards at WHO radio and they are training him to do the traffic report and weather part time. He will be working 28 hours there. I am proud of him!
Well..I'm off like a dirty shirt.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Unbelievable Novel
I had to take the time to give the Almost-Ex-Spouse advice on how to have a relationship with his offspring. Our son will be turning 24 next month and our daughter will be 19 and NOW he is worried about having a relationship with them.
He must have actually paid attention and is giving some consideration to what I am telling him. I send it in an email after he had responded to an email I had sent asking him a simple question. His response included a whine about how he hoped in time we could be friends and that he was sad because he will probably never have a relationship with his kids. I read it, thought about it, sighed and replied with directions on what he needed to do to have a relationship with his kids. I also included a paragraph as to why he and I will never be friends. I can be friendLY but not his friend. That's as close as I'm going to get to that.
I had to let him know, also that I paid the gas bill and it is being transferred to my name. I have all the other utilities in my name already.
I also had to send a txt to remind him about the satellite radio subscription for my car. I remembered it was supposed to end soon and he has always taken care of it. I told him to make sure it cancels because they do an automatic renewal. That text msg was evidently the tipping point because then he CALLED. drat.
He discussed how to communicate with the kids and make sure I didn't want the satellite radio anymore. I assured him it was nice but I didn't have long distances to travel, I can use the regular radio and I have an Ipod I connect and listen to.
I then went on to the grocery store. I have this app on my phone that reads outloud any text msgs I receive. It wasn't long before I heard the frog croak noise I use to announce an incoming txt msg and I heard the voice tell me it was a message from Troy and it told me he had renewed my satellite radio until January.
Now I have to make a note on my calendar to call them in January to cancel it.
I absolutely do NOT get it. He is being nicer and doing more for me NOW, without complaining and yelling about it, than he has in our 25 years of marriage. Honestly, once this dissolution is final I don't want to hear from him! Just pay the alimony every month and leave me ALONE!
I know I shouldn't complain that he is being so nice and generous but if you had to put up with someone constantly complaining to you/about you and yelling and just stomping through the house and bullying for 25 years and THEN as you are getting a divorce he is SUDDENLY the guy you SHOULD have been married to for 25 years, it would bug the bejesus out of you too!
I was thinking about my life over just the last month and a half and realized that I have read books and seen movies where the main character's life had a whole bunch of things go wrong all at once and I would think, "That's a bit over the top. I could feel sympathy for that person without all of THAT." I can almost chuckle at the realization that it really does happen.
My dad is still not out of the woods. It looks like he may have to have an artery replaced in his leg. The blood thinners are not able to get rid of the clot quickly enough and it may not ever be totally gone. My mother is done in. I am making plans on going up to visit them over Labor Day weekend.
I am still working on getting my own act together. I have been in 'mourning' for a long time now. Longer than I feel I should have been. I can actually feel the gloom starting to lift.
One thing that is helping me get past and move on is that, after Troy apologized for the irritatingly millionth time (almost that many) for hurting me and having such bad timing, I told him to QUIT apologizing and quit feeling guilty. I told him we both know it was a lousy marriage and that he at least had the gonads to pull the plug on it. I just always was afraid to because I could never actually let go of the idea that it could still be revived. So he is doing us both a favor. The only thing he should feel bad about is the timing. But I can even sort of understand that. At least he is making sure things are taken care of and that me and the kids will be okay, financially.
I really am just beyond the anger. The hurt may remain because it is a human thing...feeling of rejection. Even though it is all for the best. And there is a feeling of failure because something you worked to hang on to for so long slipped away anyways. However, that will pass at some point too. And I may find someone else and actually enjoy my life. Life has new possibilities.
I am glad to be rid of the anger. However, I am finding myself feeling hollow. I would like to regain my joy. This too will take time. I want to joke around like I used to. I want to look forward to doing things.
I have joined some singles groups but have yet to actually get out and attend any of the meetups. There is one at a comedy club at the end of the month but I was planning on visiting my parents then. There are a few other things but they always seem to be at a time when I have actual plans for something else. I will get there.
For now, I have a yard to get in order and a basement that needs a major cleanout.
He must have actually paid attention and is giving some consideration to what I am telling him. I send it in an email after he had responded to an email I had sent asking him a simple question. His response included a whine about how he hoped in time we could be friends and that he was sad because he will probably never have a relationship with his kids. I read it, thought about it, sighed and replied with directions on what he needed to do to have a relationship with his kids. I also included a paragraph as to why he and I will never be friends. I can be friendLY but not his friend. That's as close as I'm going to get to that.
I had to let him know, also that I paid the gas bill and it is being transferred to my name. I have all the other utilities in my name already.
I also had to send a txt to remind him about the satellite radio subscription for my car. I remembered it was supposed to end soon and he has always taken care of it. I told him to make sure it cancels because they do an automatic renewal. That text msg was evidently the tipping point because then he CALLED. drat.
He discussed how to communicate with the kids and make sure I didn't want the satellite radio anymore. I assured him it was nice but I didn't have long distances to travel, I can use the regular radio and I have an Ipod I connect and listen to.
I then went on to the grocery store. I have this app on my phone that reads outloud any text msgs I receive. It wasn't long before I heard the frog croak noise I use to announce an incoming txt msg and I heard the voice tell me it was a message from Troy and it told me he had renewed my satellite radio until January.
Now I have to make a note on my calendar to call them in January to cancel it.
I absolutely do NOT get it. He is being nicer and doing more for me NOW, without complaining and yelling about it, than he has in our 25 years of marriage. Honestly, once this dissolution is final I don't want to hear from him! Just pay the alimony every month and leave me ALONE!
I know I shouldn't complain that he is being so nice and generous but if you had to put up with someone constantly complaining to you/about you and yelling and just stomping through the house and bullying for 25 years and THEN as you are getting a divorce he is SUDDENLY the guy you SHOULD have been married to for 25 years, it would bug the bejesus out of you too!
I was thinking about my life over just the last month and a half and realized that I have read books and seen movies where the main character's life had a whole bunch of things go wrong all at once and I would think, "That's a bit over the top. I could feel sympathy for that person without all of THAT." I can almost chuckle at the realization that it really does happen.
My dad is still not out of the woods. It looks like he may have to have an artery replaced in his leg. The blood thinners are not able to get rid of the clot quickly enough and it may not ever be totally gone. My mother is done in. I am making plans on going up to visit them over Labor Day weekend.
I am still working on getting my own act together. I have been in 'mourning' for a long time now. Longer than I feel I should have been. I can actually feel the gloom starting to lift.
One thing that is helping me get past and move on is that, after Troy apologized for the irritatingly millionth time (almost that many) for hurting me and having such bad timing, I told him to QUIT apologizing and quit feeling guilty. I told him we both know it was a lousy marriage and that he at least had the gonads to pull the plug on it. I just always was afraid to because I could never actually let go of the idea that it could still be revived. So he is doing us both a favor. The only thing he should feel bad about is the timing. But I can even sort of understand that. At least he is making sure things are taken care of and that me and the kids will be okay, financially.
I really am just beyond the anger. The hurt may remain because it is a human thing...feeling of rejection. Even though it is all for the best. And there is a feeling of failure because something you worked to hang on to for so long slipped away anyways. However, that will pass at some point too. And I may find someone else and actually enjoy my life. Life has new possibilities.
I am glad to be rid of the anger. However, I am finding myself feeling hollow. I would like to regain my joy. This too will take time. I want to joke around like I used to. I want to look forward to doing things.
I have joined some singles groups but have yet to actually get out and attend any of the meetups. There is one at a comedy club at the end of the month but I was planning on visiting my parents then. There are a few other things but they always seem to be at a time when I have actual plans for something else. I will get there.
For now, I have a yard to get in order and a basement that needs a major cleanout.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Agitator
So, the Almost-ex-spouse is actually being very generous and helpful. I don't have to worry about the roof over my head or the utilities...for the first year. Then for the next 4 I still don't have to worry about the roof over my head. I get everything in the house...except his office. He put the kids on his insurance. I get his retirement CD.
Here's the problem...I don't mean to be cynical but I HAVE been married to the guy for 25 years and he is very bipolar and he is a bully. So...why is he being so nice? And I do mean nice because he calls me and TALKS to me. Not AT me. He wants to have conversations. He wants us to be, hack ack, FRIENDS.
REALLY? I can be civil and I can be 'nice' but I cannot be his friend. 25 years of crap and a few weeks of nice and he thinks I can be his friend. The Bible says turn the other cheek but it doesn't mean I have to stand within striking distance.
He has called me more in the last few days than he has in the last 2 months! He has talked to me like someone he LIKES and respects. After all the crap I have had to listen to from him over the years and the way he has treated me, now he expects me to be all sweet and 'sure we can be best friends and we can talk any time you want!"
I told him something I know is going to bug him...even though he asked me for a divorce...I know how he works and it seems to be a family trait. I told him that I am not handling being alone as well as I thought I would. I left the idea in the air that I may be moving on. He may not want me but he won't like the idea of being replaced. I have not received a response from him.
Even if he changed his mind about wanting this dissolution, I will not. I remember too well the last 25 years. I remember the bullying, the drugs, the yelling, etc. And while, for some inexplicable reason, I am having mental and emotional difficulty with the idea of being single again, I will not turn back. I will come around and find my footing. I will be okay. Better without him. It is what I have wished for off and on for many years. Now I am getting that wish and I remember why I made that wish.
I think he may have someone in the wings. Or at least is waiting to shoot out there and find someone. I hope he can find someone and be happy.
Okay...I may not be feeling generous enough for that last bit there. Not yet.
Right now what he says and what he does makes no sense to me. I do know one thing...he need to quit calling me. I find it agitating.
Here's the problem...I don't mean to be cynical but I HAVE been married to the guy for 25 years and he is very bipolar and he is a bully. So...why is he being so nice? And I do mean nice because he calls me and TALKS to me. Not AT me. He wants to have conversations. He wants us to be, hack ack, FRIENDS.
REALLY? I can be civil and I can be 'nice' but I cannot be his friend. 25 years of crap and a few weeks of nice and he thinks I can be his friend. The Bible says turn the other cheek but it doesn't mean I have to stand within striking distance.
He has called me more in the last few days than he has in the last 2 months! He has talked to me like someone he LIKES and respects. After all the crap I have had to listen to from him over the years and the way he has treated me, now he expects me to be all sweet and 'sure we can be best friends and we can talk any time you want!"
I told him something I know is going to bug him...even though he asked me for a divorce...I know how he works and it seems to be a family trait. I told him that I am not handling being alone as well as I thought I would. I left the idea in the air that I may be moving on. He may not want me but he won't like the idea of being replaced. I have not received a response from him.
Even if he changed his mind about wanting this dissolution, I will not. I remember too well the last 25 years. I remember the bullying, the drugs, the yelling, etc. And while, for some inexplicable reason, I am having mental and emotional difficulty with the idea of being single again, I will not turn back. I will come around and find my footing. I will be okay. Better without him. It is what I have wished for off and on for many years. Now I am getting that wish and I remember why I made that wish.
I think he may have someone in the wings. Or at least is waiting to shoot out there and find someone. I hope he can find someone and be happy.
Okay...I may not be feeling generous enough for that last bit there. Not yet.
Right now what he says and what he does makes no sense to me. I do know one thing...he need to quit calling me. I find it agitating.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Post Card
My father seems to be out of the woods. The specialists had found clots in his lungs Tuesday night during one of the ICU xray checks on his condition. They had thought they would need to go in Wednesday morning and open him up and put in a screen.
They took him off the blood pressure meds that he had been taking for the last year. They felt that was what was slowing his heart rate and what caused the blood clot in his leg. Then they started giving him meds to dissolve the clot. They must had been right because by the time my mom and older sister got to the hospital Wednesday morning his heart rate was up, he was alert, the platelet count was climbing, the clot was dissolving and the swelling in his leg was going down. The doctors decided the surgery was no longer necessary..his lungs were fine.
Had lots and lots of prayers going out for him. God heard and helped.
It was sunny and warm outside this afternoon so I decided to go to Lowe's and hunt down the price for new flooring for the family room. The carpet is old and has been there for heaven knows how long before we moved in. 3 dogs have not done it any good. I am putting down vinyl planks that match the hard wood floors in the rest of the house. Just the planks alone will cost me just over $200. I can buy them as soon as I get my retirement money from DP&L.
Then I meandered over into the garden section. Big mistake. The perennials were on sale. I bought some Echinacea, Sedum and...something I have wanted for a long time...a butterfly bush! It had butterflies on it too! I was loading those into the car and I realized that I wouldn't be hearing anyone yelling at me about buying more plants...that it was an unnecessary expense. I smiled. I sang. It was a wonderful feeling.
I haven't heard anything out of him so I am assuming he hasn't gotten his certified letter yet.
I have been thinking long and hard about why I am so angry at him for telling me he wants a divorce. It isn't like I haven't verbalized the same thing dozens of times over the years (just not to him). I think it is because of his timing. And the idea that he can't be honest about the idea that he had this planned for longer than I care to think about. Perhaps it makes me ill thinking about how long he stuck around when he really didn't want to be here.
I will never really know unless he can be honest about it and I don't want to hear it.
Or am I angry because it was he that had the good sense to pull the trigger while I kept going back and forth between wanting to end it and thinking there might still be some way we could work it out.
Doesn't really matter. I need to get my arse in gear and make sure I have things lined up.
Tomorrow my son begins his new job. He has weird unstable hours he is working for that and still keeping his stocking job at Foodtowne for now. He is nervous about what he is going to be learning and doing. Welcome to the real adult world.
And now...time for some sleep. Tomorrow will bring new challenges and I need to be able to face them.
They took him off the blood pressure meds that he had been taking for the last year. They felt that was what was slowing his heart rate and what caused the blood clot in his leg. Then they started giving him meds to dissolve the clot. They must had been right because by the time my mom and older sister got to the hospital Wednesday morning his heart rate was up, he was alert, the platelet count was climbing, the clot was dissolving and the swelling in his leg was going down. The doctors decided the surgery was no longer necessary..his lungs were fine.
Had lots and lots of prayers going out for him. God heard and helped.
It was sunny and warm outside this afternoon so I decided to go to Lowe's and hunt down the price for new flooring for the family room. The carpet is old and has been there for heaven knows how long before we moved in. 3 dogs have not done it any good. I am putting down vinyl planks that match the hard wood floors in the rest of the house. Just the planks alone will cost me just over $200. I can buy them as soon as I get my retirement money from DP&L.
Then I meandered over into the garden section. Big mistake. The perennials were on sale. I bought some Echinacea, Sedum and...something I have wanted for a long time...a butterfly bush! It had butterflies on it too! I was loading those into the car and I realized that I wouldn't be hearing anyone yelling at me about buying more plants...that it was an unnecessary expense. I smiled. I sang. It was a wonderful feeling.
I haven't heard anything out of him so I am assuming he hasn't gotten his certified letter yet.
I have been thinking long and hard about why I am so angry at him for telling me he wants a divorce. It isn't like I haven't verbalized the same thing dozens of times over the years (just not to him). I think it is because of his timing. And the idea that he can't be honest about the idea that he had this planned for longer than I care to think about. Perhaps it makes me ill thinking about how long he stuck around when he really didn't want to be here.
I will never really know unless he can be honest about it and I don't want to hear it.
Or am I angry because it was he that had the good sense to pull the trigger while I kept going back and forth between wanting to end it and thinking there might still be some way we could work it out.
Doesn't really matter. I need to get my arse in gear and make sure I have things lined up.
Tomorrow my son begins his new job. He has weird unstable hours he is working for that and still keeping his stocking job at Foodtowne for now. He is nervous about what he is going to be learning and doing. Welcome to the real adult world.
And now...time for some sleep. Tomorrow will bring new challenges and I need to be able to face them.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Email...I'm Not Proud of it...
From day one you were unhappy with me. You preferred to go spend time with your 'friends' out at Rodney's and everywhere else and then get mad because I didn't want to hang around them. I married YOU...not them and you KNOW I wasn't someone that did drugs and liked hanging out with a bunch of drunks. And none of them were really friends because they were just as happy to knife each other in the back as long as they got something out of it.
You had told me you didn't want to be like that and you wanted a different life. I believed you. You were still kinda out of control and unhappy so I did what I could to make sure your dreams came true. I supported you in that respect.
You had expected me to be a teacher. I disappointed you in that respect. I disappointed myself in realizing I could not handle taking care of a family AND work outside the home at the same time.
You HAVE to take some responsibility for things... you spent so much of your time either NOT with us or criticizing. You were NEVER happy with anything! I tried to make life run smoothly for EVERYONE and you made me feel like no matter what I did I could not make you happy.
Even when you made decisions that put me through the wringer, I was still there to try and make it better.
And now you just walk out on all of us. You play at being an adult in the adult world by having a job but you can't handle the adult responsibility. Here you are again going off and leaving me to sort things out and figure out how to keep my head and the kids' heads above water.
I tried so hard to hang on to this and was willing to keep working on it...have to move one more time. But not you!
I have been there holding things together, family wise, all these years, through EVERYTHING...and you just up and walk out and leave it all in my lap AGAIN! You said that I must have known this was coming...you are right. I don't know why I should expect anything different. I SHOULD have known when you walked out that door that was you leaving.
All I ever wanted was happy family. But we weren't because you were never happy. You still aren't. Nothing ever went according to plan. That is life. You can't handle it. So your answer is flight. You don't fight...you fly. I am the one that has faced things head on and had to struggle SO HARD to hold it together.
I am so sick and tired of people telling me I am a strong person and I can do this! I don't WANT to be strong! I want to be taken care of...someone else do the tough stuff. I want to be the one to pack my bags and leave and let someone else clean up the mess.
but I am not that person. I could never just walk out no matter what because I care too much about how it affects everyone. You are just breathing a sigh of relief. Thinking this is going to help you feel better. It won't. You will carry these bad feelings with you because you have let yourself down. You have not become a better person.
We loved you and overlooked all the mistakes YOU made. We supported you. Believe it or not, supporting us financially is not really supporting us. WE are your family.
You can't even call your son and apologize to him for telling him he is wasting his life. You leave hurt feelings in your wake. I lose my job and then you won't talk to me for 48 hours and then when you do you YELL at me. Thanks. That right there lets me know just how much I mean to you.
Don't tell me you care and you never wanted to hurt me. You've been hurting me off and on for 25 years. I still cared about you. I still tried to help you feel better in the worst times. It is not a great feeling when you are under the gun because life has pulled the rug out from under you...and you have responsibilities. But you hang in there and do something about it...work on it because you love your family and care what happens to them.
Bethany IS angry at you. She wants you to know that we are not the reason for your unhappiness...she wanted you to be her dad and you just are dumping us. That is what she told me...her feelings...how it seems to her. And maybe the nose ring was her bit of rebellion because it is something that she knew you would not like. I am not going to jump all over her about it because I understand. However, I did let her know I don't like it either and she cannot act impulsively like that anymore. Nothing she does like that is going to make her feel better or make anything any better. Remember when you did crack? Did that make anything any better? no. and you could have ended up dead. I should have just let you go...washed my hands of you but I didn't. I came looking for you. (yes I am bringing this up again because you really need to understand what someone does that actually gives a care about someone else). I could not let you sink into the ground.
You pack your bags and leave. You cannot handle life. You are ALWAYS unhappy and make everyone else pay for it. I never deserved the things you have said to me. I deserved someone who loved me and made me feel like you LIKED me.
For instance...EVERY FREAKIN YEAR there was the arguments with you over what I did with the plants outside. You KNEW it was something I liked to do...yet, you had to make it a miserable thing for me every damn year! I knew you liked to golf and I didn't give you a bad time about it. I wanted to you to do something you enjoyed. But you couldn't let me enjoy what I was doing. Not one year.
We couldn't even go on walks without you making it a miserable experience. You picked at the way I walked. And the one time I got you to go for a hike with us at Charleston Preserve you picked at the kids the whole time about how slow they walked or if they wanted to sit for a moment. Those things were supposed to be a leisurely fun experience and you sucked the enjoyment right out of them. That right there is the reason that I resisted asking you to do anything with me or the kids ever again. You never knew how to let someone just DO things their own way. You could never relax and let things just flow.
If you had at all made any of us feel like you even really cared or was happy in anyway with any of us life could have been so different. You said you felt left out. The above paragraph should give you some insight as to WHY.
Yes...you are unhappy. Always have been. We are not the reason you are unhappy...YOU are the reason you are unhappy. I have had to deal with your unhappiness for 25 years...and YOU have made me unhappy. I am unhappy that I have put up with you. I am unhappy that I allowed you to make me feel so bad about myself. I am unhappy that I am always the one left holding the bag and trying to fight to keep my head above water.
I have made so many excuses for you in my head...you had a bad upbringing. But DAMN IT...we were not the ones that did it to you. You should have NEVER gotten married and had kids. You were too unhappy and was hoping something/someone else would make you happy but you didn't know how to care. You don't. If you did you wouldn't be doing what you are doing now. You are not going to be happy.
I will be kicking myself over this marriage until the day I die. I was just so stupid to work so hard to make you happy and I was just too naïve to realize that I couldn't. And I brought two kids into this union that had to suffer for it also.
I have wasted my life. I made bad choices. I wanted a happy family. I am praying my kids can have happy families and futures and this life they have had only serves as a lesson in what NOT to do.
It is amazing to me, however, that for all the crap you have done and the decisions you have made, you STILL end up with the jobs that pay you so well. You will come out on top of the dung heap and we are struggling in your wake.
I still refuse to let go of my faith. The devil can knock me down and trip me up and throw one blow after the other at me...but I HAVE to believe that God is going to make it better.
And while I should turn the other cheek, for my mental and emotional health I decided I needed to not be so nice and forgiving and understanding. I just needed to actually let you know what I thought and felt. I am no longer giving you a 'pass' because of your past. I am no longer tip toeing around things because of your addiction. You packed your bags and left. Why should I care anymore??? If you cared...even a little bit...if you really did love any of us...even a little bit...you would not have done this.
And no...I am not spewing my thoughts and anger at you in front of YOUR offspring. They have their own thoughts and feelings and every once in a while they tell me what they are thinking or feeling about any of it. I do not agree or disagree with them. They are allowed to have their feelings. I also am not making excuses for you either.
You cannot outrun your unhappiness. And no amount of anything else you may do or ingest is going to make it any better. We loved you and accepted you for what you were. We wanted to share our lives with you but our lives were never acceptable to you...always telling us what we should be doing different and better. Always sure to let us know how YOU felt about things. You even said to me one time you didn't think I loved you. I did. Just because you would buy me something I liked once in a while did not make me feel loved. All I wanted was to feel like you supported me...and your words did not show it. You were critical about everything...the plants, etc, being one case in point. You got angry at me about not keeping a job. Angry at ME. I NEVER got angry at you when you lost a job. I wasn't even angry at you when you lost that job in Cleveland because of your drug use. I knew how much you hated that job...and I blamed myself for your
decisions.
WHAT A FREAKING WASTE! All that blame I heaped on myself for everything. and the real problem is you are not happy.
I still care about where you end up in eternity. That's about it.
The only thing I blame myself for now it wasting my time.
You had told me you didn't want to be like that and you wanted a different life. I believed you. You were still kinda out of control and unhappy so I did what I could to make sure your dreams came true. I supported you in that respect.
You had expected me to be a teacher. I disappointed you in that respect. I disappointed myself in realizing I could not handle taking care of a family AND work outside the home at the same time.
You HAVE to take some responsibility for things... you spent so much of your time either NOT with us or criticizing. You were NEVER happy with anything! I tried to make life run smoothly for EVERYONE and you made me feel like no matter what I did I could not make you happy.
Even when you made decisions that put me through the wringer, I was still there to try and make it better.
And now you just walk out on all of us. You play at being an adult in the adult world by having a job but you can't handle the adult responsibility. Here you are again going off and leaving me to sort things out and figure out how to keep my head and the kids' heads above water.
I tried so hard to hang on to this and was willing to keep working on it...have to move one more time. But not you!
I have been there holding things together, family wise, all these years, through EVERYTHING...and you just up and walk out and leave it all in my lap AGAIN! You said that I must have known this was coming...you are right. I don't know why I should expect anything different. I SHOULD have known when you walked out that door that was you leaving.
All I ever wanted was happy family. But we weren't because you were never happy. You still aren't. Nothing ever went according to plan. That is life. You can't handle it. So your answer is flight. You don't fight...you fly. I am the one that has faced things head on and had to struggle SO HARD to hold it together.
I am so sick and tired of people telling me I am a strong person and I can do this! I don't WANT to be strong! I want to be taken care of...someone else do the tough stuff. I want to be the one to pack my bags and leave and let someone else clean up the mess.
but I am not that person. I could never just walk out no matter what because I care too much about how it affects everyone. You are just breathing a sigh of relief. Thinking this is going to help you feel better. It won't. You will carry these bad feelings with you because you have let yourself down. You have not become a better person.
We loved you and overlooked all the mistakes YOU made. We supported you. Believe it or not, supporting us financially is not really supporting us. WE are your family.
You can't even call your son and apologize to him for telling him he is wasting his life. You leave hurt feelings in your wake. I lose my job and then you won't talk to me for 48 hours and then when you do you YELL at me. Thanks. That right there lets me know just how much I mean to you.
Don't tell me you care and you never wanted to hurt me. You've been hurting me off and on for 25 years. I still cared about you. I still tried to help you feel better in the worst times. It is not a great feeling when you are under the gun because life has pulled the rug out from under you...and you have responsibilities. But you hang in there and do something about it...work on it because you love your family and care what happens to them.
Bethany IS angry at you. She wants you to know that we are not the reason for your unhappiness...she wanted you to be her dad and you just are dumping us. That is what she told me...her feelings...how it seems to her. And maybe the nose ring was her bit of rebellion because it is something that she knew you would not like. I am not going to jump all over her about it because I understand. However, I did let her know I don't like it either and she cannot act impulsively like that anymore. Nothing she does like that is going to make her feel better or make anything any better. Remember when you did crack? Did that make anything any better? no. and you could have ended up dead. I should have just let you go...washed my hands of you but I didn't. I came looking for you. (yes I am bringing this up again because you really need to understand what someone does that actually gives a care about someone else). I could not let you sink into the ground.
You pack your bags and leave. You cannot handle life. You are ALWAYS unhappy and make everyone else pay for it. I never deserved the things you have said to me. I deserved someone who loved me and made me feel like you LIKED me.
For instance...EVERY FREAKIN YEAR there was the arguments with you over what I did with the plants outside. You KNEW it was something I liked to do...yet, you had to make it a miserable thing for me every damn year! I knew you liked to golf and I didn't give you a bad time about it. I wanted to you to do something you enjoyed. But you couldn't let me enjoy what I was doing. Not one year.
We couldn't even go on walks without you making it a miserable experience. You picked at the way I walked. And the one time I got you to go for a hike with us at Charleston Preserve you picked at the kids the whole time about how slow they walked or if they wanted to sit for a moment. Those things were supposed to be a leisurely fun experience and you sucked the enjoyment right out of them. That right there is the reason that I resisted asking you to do anything with me or the kids ever again. You never knew how to let someone just DO things their own way. You could never relax and let things just flow.
If you had at all made any of us feel like you even really cared or was happy in anyway with any of us life could have been so different. You said you felt left out. The above paragraph should give you some insight as to WHY.
Yes...you are unhappy. Always have been. We are not the reason you are unhappy...YOU are the reason you are unhappy. I have had to deal with your unhappiness for 25 years...and YOU have made me unhappy. I am unhappy that I have put up with you. I am unhappy that I allowed you to make me feel so bad about myself. I am unhappy that I am always the one left holding the bag and trying to fight to keep my head above water.
I have made so many excuses for you in my head...you had a bad upbringing. But DAMN IT...we were not the ones that did it to you. You should have NEVER gotten married and had kids. You were too unhappy and was hoping something/someone else would make you happy but you didn't know how to care. You don't. If you did you wouldn't be doing what you are doing now. You are not going to be happy.
I will be kicking myself over this marriage until the day I die. I was just so stupid to work so hard to make you happy and I was just too naïve to realize that I couldn't. And I brought two kids into this union that had to suffer for it also.
I have wasted my life. I made bad choices. I wanted a happy family. I am praying my kids can have happy families and futures and this life they have had only serves as a lesson in what NOT to do.
It is amazing to me, however, that for all the crap you have done and the decisions you have made, you STILL end up with the jobs that pay you so well. You will come out on top of the dung heap and we are struggling in your wake.
I still refuse to let go of my faith. The devil can knock me down and trip me up and throw one blow after the other at me...but I HAVE to believe that God is going to make it better.
And while I should turn the other cheek, for my mental and emotional health I decided I needed to not be so nice and forgiving and understanding. I just needed to actually let you know what I thought and felt. I am no longer giving you a 'pass' because of your past. I am no longer tip toeing around things because of your addiction. You packed your bags and left. Why should I care anymore??? If you cared...even a little bit...if you really did love any of us...even a little bit...you would not have done this.
And no...I am not spewing my thoughts and anger at you in front of YOUR offspring. They have their own thoughts and feelings and every once in a while they tell me what they are thinking or feeling about any of it. I do not agree or disagree with them. They are allowed to have their feelings. I also am not making excuses for you either.
You cannot outrun your unhappiness. And no amount of anything else you may do or ingest is going to make it any better. We loved you and accepted you for what you were. We wanted to share our lives with you but our lives were never acceptable to you...always telling us what we should be doing different and better. Always sure to let us know how YOU felt about things. You even said to me one time you didn't think I loved you. I did. Just because you would buy me something I liked once in a while did not make me feel loved. All I wanted was to feel like you supported me...and your words did not show it. You were critical about everything...the plants, etc, being one case in point. You got angry at me about not keeping a job. Angry at ME. I NEVER got angry at you when you lost a job. I wasn't even angry at you when you lost that job in Cleveland because of your drug use. I knew how much you hated that job...and I blamed myself for your
decisions.
WHAT A FREAKING WASTE! All that blame I heaped on myself for everything. and the real problem is you are not happy.
I still care about where you end up in eternity. That's about it.
The only thing I blame myself for now it wasting my time.
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