That Feeling

I have been really sick...physically ill...for longer than I realized.  My mother kept telling me that there was something 'out of sorts' with me physically.  I had a sinus infection but I didn't realize it was as bad as it is.  I knew there was something wrong.  Then one day I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I woke up with vertigo...so bad I could barely walk without bouncing off the walls.  It was worse than being drunk.  It has taken 3 days of antibiotics to get it to settle down.  Guess I won't ignore sinus problems again.

I am not feeling so weepy and down in the rabbit hole now.  Got an accidental text from the ex tonight.  It said, "see you in 15 minutes".  I texted back, "WHO are you seeing in 15 minutes?"  And you know what? He answered me.  "Sorry.  EDDIE!!"  I just sent back "LOL...u didn't have to tell me"  Guess he is still in that married mentality.  Then again, he seems to think that I will go ape shit crazy when he starts dating.  As I told him...WE ARE DIVORCED NOW...I expect he will date at some point.  I am prepared for it.  And I may feel hurt or weird...or nothing.  I won't know until that happens but I told him I will not go off on him.  Really...what does he expect?  If I haven't harmed him or any of his stuff by now, I guess he is pretty safe.

I had a guy from HS days contact me a couple of times on FB.  He was a friend of a guy I dated for a bit.  I never thought of him as anything more than a friend.  He is a big guy...at least a foot taller than me, if not more.  He is sporting the bald look with a goatee.  He went to college for music and was in the OSU marching band.  He didn't finish college and now owns a portrait studio.  ANYWAY, I have only slightly paid attention to him on FB.  It seems like he has been married 3 or 4 times...or maybe it is just relationships that he has been in and out of so quickly.  I don't know.  Was not important to me.  Seems he is going through another divorce and as soon as he found out I was divorced he was right there hitting on me.  REALLY?  He is just looking for another 'blanket'.    And I am not interested. 

I know there are people out there that hop from relationship to relationship and overlap them even.  But I have never done that.  Even if I entertained the notion I always realized that I did not want to be that person.  It makes life messier and I needed time to get my equilibrium before I tried another relationship. 

My oldest sister, who was divorced once....her first husband walked in the door from work and said, "I want a divorce" then turned around and left...she said there are guys out there that will be just what I need...calm, easy going, able to take the pressure without breaking...and the one will come along when I least expect it.  Doesn't everyone tell you that...when you least expect it?

All I know is this...I do miss the feeling of loving someone and knowing they love me.  I thought I had that but it was false.  I am looking forward to meeting that guy that is just the right one yet, I hope he doesn't come along too soon.  I need some time to get my life on the right track again.  I need to have that feeling of self sustaining.  Once I have my self esteem back at the right level, then I am ready...but God is the one that has the right timing.

The few times I have spoken on the phone with my ex, I have found something to be very curious...I sometimes did not end the call with 'love you' because I was preoccupied and he would get ticked.  And it always seemed just like a mindless habit with him.  But as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce his mindless habit ceased yet I have to consciously stop myself before I say it.  Weird.