Faking It

Online dating is just...not...a situation that I understand.

My ex-MIL got on at least one online dating site and it worked out for her.  Although at one point she thought she was going to run off to Florida and marry this guy that supposedly had a great house on the beach.  THAT didn't happen...we all had a fit and she saw it for what it REALLY was.  But then, she ended up with a pretty terrific guy that really loves her and takes such great care of her!

I have signed up briefly on a half dozen online dating sites to see what it is like and what is out there.  This I what I found:  lots of  fake profiles and I was inundated with contacts from what seemed to be guys that were not who they portrayed themselves to be and are actually foreigners.  All they wanted was information about my email account or FB account.  And I am pretty sure it had something to do with hacking into the computer or accounts or downloading key logger malware...something not good.

IF I decide someday to try hooking up with someone it is going to have to be someone that I meet through someone else or meet in person on my own.  That online crap is just that to me...crap.

This last week was pretty good...after the email thing with the Ex...cuz I didn't hear anything out of him after I sent him MY email.  No text, call or email.  And with each day that passed without hearing from him I felt a little better.  Then I had to send him a text to ask him a question about one of his power tools....the battery charging.  I needed to use a power drill to help with the bazillion screws that went into putting Bethany's platform bed together.  He said that one battery was no good.  Then he replied again with 'sorry'.  I looked at that and felt irritated.  So I replied with 'sorry for what?  There's nothing to be sorry about!'  But could I leave it at that?  NNNOOOOOOOOooooo.  I had to tell him this: 'You know the outlet in Bethany's room that needed replaced from day one...the one by her vanity?  The one I reminded you about many times?  Jordan replaced it. Now it works."  He replied with, "I'm sorry for that too."  Me: "why?"  Him: "I should have done that."  Me: "you were busy with your job...it happens. I was just letting you know that Jordan is helping." 

*right there it sounds like I am NOT trying to make him feel guilty and I am letting him off the hook.  But I'm not.  I am messing with him.  I have never been a game player but I am, in some sadistic way, enjoying this.  And I don't care that this is going against the grain of who I am. 

This last week was so busy!  We took Bethany's room apart...took out the furniture, painted the walls a different color, removed the carpet and put in different carpet, then put her new furniture in a box together.   TJ also got a new pedestal bed and mattress.  I also had a fence to spray with preservative.  Then I had cooking to do for the church's annual pig roast.

I haven't been to the church in a long time...about a year.  Some of it has been because I was just so tired out from that crappy job that I had that after a week of that plus a Saturday spent catching up on house work, Sunday morning came and I just didn't want to move.  Then when the shit hit the fan, I just didn't want to be around anyone.  Today I went because I realized if I don't get out of the house soon, I may never leave.  The 'news' about my divorce got around because not one person asked me how Troy is.

It was a good first move.  I need to keep it up.

But this next week is full of things to do also.  This last week caused my fibro to flare up in the worst way.  I was in so much pain by Saturday I don't know how I moved.  I used the cart in the grocery store as a walker.  But when I was ready to crawl into bed I happened to remember the pain pills that doctor had given me a script for...and I found them in the medicine cabinet.  I took 2 of them and passed out.  I woke up 4 hours later with very little pain.  Now I know how people can get addicted to them. 

Onward and upward.

I did manage to send Troy a text that said something like this, "we both have let our thoughts and feelings be known.  Now that is done.  This is a new separate beginning for both of us. I don't care to dwell on the past anymore and feel bad and angry."  He replied with, "ok. I can handle that"  I am not doing it for him...I don't care if he can handle it.  All I care about is that it helps ME.  I am learning to care about ME.  And that is not faking anything.