Sometimes if I spend enough time praying and thinking on a problem/subject I can gain understanding or find a solution. Sometimes it is a matter of talking out loud.
Two things I had an "A ha moment" about this week. One I came by with the first method, mentioned above. The other came by me through the second method.
The first revelation was this: The Ex called me about cookies that are being sent to him. I have been baking lots of cookies because I enjoy that at Christmas time...and some years I enjoy doing gingerbread houses. I am not sure I am going to get to the gingerbread houses this year. ANYWAY, he called to tell me he doesn't like anything peppermint so please don't send anything like that (this was something I didn't know!) but then he started to tell me how to pack the cookies to keep them separate. I cut him off with, "I know how to do it and that you have to keep them separate so they don't all taste like peanut butter or gingerbread!" He quickly said, "I know you know that...I was just making sure."
That statement right there stuck in my head. And, a few hours later a light bulb came on. ALL these years I have understood that our son, and daughter, have anxiety problems...severe anxiety problems. And those problems manifest themselves in different ways. I know what they do to deal with the anxiety. I never really thought of Troy as having anxiety problems. I thought he was just a control freak that believed no one was as intelligent as he. But that statement he made was bouncing around in my subconscious for a while and picking up past similar statements and moments...and there was a lot of them. And...TADA! ALL those times when he would stand there telling me how to do something and I would get so ticked off because I took it personally...as if he thought I was really that stupid...and I would angrily tell him, "I know! I'm not stupid! I don't need directions from you!" and he would always say something like, "I know you know, Nancy! I'm just tellin' ya something!" and go outside and smoke a cigarette. And I would yell at him, "Well, if you know I know, then there is no need for you telling me what to do!"
It was his coping mechanism with life. He couldn't help TELLING people things anymore than TJ can help getting fixated on things and Bethany can help avoidance and snapping ppl's heads off. If I had just understood that...given him as much thought about his behavior as I did the kids', there would have been less yelling. It still wouldn't have fixed the problems with our marriage but it would have been one less thing. I sent him an email and admitted my revelation to him and apologized for not understanding that. I also told him that my problem has always been people treating me like I'm stupid and that is probably why it didn't occur to me before...I was having my own typical reaction to his obsessive behavior in this case. We most likely would never be able to resolve that problem if we had stayed together. Oil and water.
Now...for my second revelation...
I have had this painful problem with my right Achilles tendon for probably about a year. It gets inflamed and it is SO painful...feels like it is being put through a shredder. I have tried stretching exercises and anti-inflammatory drugs...nothing helped. Then, it seemed to be gone. Haven't had a flair up in a long time...until 2 days ago. I had to run to the grocery store and get some things and I noticed as I pushed the cart back to the car my tendon was paining. great....had to be on my feet doing cookies. And while in the kitchen the bottoms of my feet started hurting so I decided to put my sneakers on because they had some pretty good padding inside of them. By the end of the day I was in mucho pain...that tendon was on fire! I ended up in the recliner chair for the night with my feet up and my tendon cradled in an ice pack. I woke up a few hours later and the pain was gone.
My oldest sister is a physical therapy assistant and I was telling her about it. She said, "That is a puzzler!" Then something came to me! I told her.."Wait. I have been wearing everything but my sneakers for a while...bought myself some leather shoes...a few pairs...and been wearing those instead of the sneakers. Thursday I put on my sneakers for some reason when I went to the store. And my tendon started hurting. THEN I put the sneakers on while I was working in the kitchen and it got worse! O M G! It is my sneakers!" I had worn nothing but those sneakers for a long time..when I went to work, everywhere I went, just about...then I decided to get some real 'grown up' shoes and quit wearing those.
I like having the sneakers to wear for working out on the gazelle and other equipment. And every time I am done with my work out, that tendon hurts. I just thought I wasn't stretching it enough before hand. Now I know...need a new pair of sneakers.
Speaking of working out...Troy sent the kids a new picture of himself, via text, wearing a new Cleveland Browns jersey he bought himself. His face is thinner and his double chin is just about all gone...his hair is longer and all gray. Not sure why he quit coloring it...you'd think he would if he wants to attract a female but I guess since he has a good paying job the hair color doesn't matter. But, I am now mentally using his weight loss as my own personal motivator. I have to have something to motivate me more.
Ironically, my hair is longer too...and I haven't colored it in months. It is slowly turning white. My daughter and TJ's fiancée both pronounced it as becoming a 'pretty white' instead of nasty gray. I am not sure if I am going to continue to let it go and become white. I have a box of color ready and waiting incase I decide I don't like looking at it in the mirror. But, for right now...it is what it is. I am 54 and why should I care anymore?
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