I Didn't Need It

This morning I was looking through pictures I saved on my computer and was clearing things out when, there it was.  The last picture taken of me and Troy as a married couple.  It was over Easter weekend this last April.  It was the weekend that I really noticed Troy acting differently.  It was the weekend he wanted to tell me he wanted a divorce but he chickened out. 

I couldn't resist...I sent him a copy of it in his email and let him know it was the last couple photo of us.  And while I meant it as a dig of some sort, what I got was my own fault.  I asked for it.

He sent me back an email explaining to me why he asked for the divorce.  He admitted to not giving me emotional support and bitching at me all the time.  He admitted at not helping me further my schooling and helping me out in anyway so that I could do anything for myself career wise. He said that we both had different agendas and he never took the time to talk with me about anything.
But here was the kicker...the thing that set me off:

He said that we drifted far apart and neither one of us seemed interested in fixing it. 

Neither one of us...

I replied to the email.  I told him since he told me HIS thoughts about it all, I guess I had no reason to hold back my thoughts on the subject..after all, as he said somewhere in that email, it doesn't really matter anymore.  I will spare anyone reading this as to what I told him. 

Then, after I figured he had ample time to see it, I sent him a text and told him, since it didn't matter anymore, let us do each other a favor and no longer send emails hashing over the reason for our failed marriage.  I am trying to move on.

I don't think I am trying TOO hard.  I am still floundering.  I am doing a lot of other things to keep myself busy and ignoring myself.  It is what I have done for 25 years.  I really need some help paying more attention to myself and doing what I need to move on.

I have to accept that I am the only one that will take care of me now.  I realize now that what I did for years was insanity.  I kept bending over backwards doing anything I could to make his life easy for him so that he MIGHT decide he actually likes me enough to want to spend any of his time with me. 

I don't know how/why I got to be that way.  Why would I do it for him?  I never did it for anyone else.  I don't ever want to allow myself to jump through hoops like that for anyone else again.  I don't mind spreading myself thin and knocking myself out if someone really appreciates me and wants to spend time with me. 

And he ends it with how much he still loves me and always will and he wants us to be friends and he will do whatever he can at anytime to help me if I need it.

He wants us to be friends.  He STILL loves me.  He never really LIKED me!  We were never friends.  At best, we are acquaintances that have 2 kids in common.  We have the most dysfunctional marriage I have ever seen.  I feel like the parents on "Everybody Loves Raymond".  I would see the way older couples were portrayed on TV...insulting each other, etc. and wonder why they were even married..and here I was living a similar life. 

I can move on...I can.  I just need a shove in the right direction.  But there is no one to do it.  So many people have told me that I am a strong woman and smart and I can do it.  Perhaps but I still feel like I need some help getting going and finding the direction I need to go. I helped Troy with that...I helped my kids with that...no one is helping ME with that. 

I know what I WANT to do...so I need to do it.  What AM I waiting for?  A sign from above that says, "Go this way!"  ??  I guess I am waiting for some reassurance from God of some sort.  I didn't listen to Him before and I ended up in a 25 year 'marriage' that drained me and cut my self esteem to the quick. 

I really don't want to talk with him.  If it wasn't for the kids, the alimony...I could forget about him.  I could.