Tsunami

What do you do when the life you knew is all washed away in the blink of an eye? 

I know other people have been through worse.  But I always go back to the words of my son, "That's not my reality.  That is not what I am dealing with."

I am not making light of what others have been through.  But my son is correct...this is my life, this is my reality. 

There was a time when I was a teenager that I was at a pool party.  I didn't really go there to swim.  It was a short visit and I had somewhere else to be.  One guy thought it would be funny to drop me into the deep end of the pool.  I was screaming at him to NOT drop me in...clothes and all.  He laughed and dropped me.  I was wearing glasses at the time.  I immediately tried to swim to the surface but someone else pushed THAT guy into the pool and he fell on me...pushing me down to the bottom before I ever reached the surface.  Then someone else got pushed into the pool...and THEY fell on me...pushing me down again.  I lost my glasses...but someone jumped in and grabbed my shirt and pulled me to the side and pushed me to the surface.  I was gasping for air.  The person that helped me also went back down and found my glasses.  I got out and, once I got my lungs full, I started screaming and hitting the guy that dropped me into the pool in the first place.

This is how I feel.  Lost my job, husband told me he wanted a divorce, and my dad had a potentially life ending problem.  And I want to scream and beat someone. 

I have been trying to figure out why I am mostly focused in on the end of my marriage.  Why does it depress me so?  Am I depressed at wasting so much of my time and energy for 25 years on a crappy marriage?  Am I depressed because I was the definition of 'insane' and kept hanging on doing things over and over again and expecting things to change?

I have really thought about our relationship...especially HIM.  My son is pretty perceptive and comes up with some gems.  He said that his dad just never knew how to have a relationship.  My cousin told me this morning that Troy was all flash and talk...no real caring and substance. 

And they both are right.  The kids said that their dad just threw money at a situation and thought that fixed everything.  He never got that the part that I loved the most was any time we spent together.  It wasn't presents or things....just time he spent with me or the family...even just having family movie nights. 

And the way he yelled at me when I needed his sympathy and support.  I was there for him to help him up and out of messes.  And even worse...I would sit and figure out what I had done to cause him to do what he did.  I wasted so much time!  So much guilt I piled on myself over things that weren't my fault.

I also realized another thing...my mom was right.  I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  Everyone else around me is now telling me how much better off I am because...then fill in with all the descriptions of his flawed personality/cold, uncaring nature, etc.

Doesn't make me feel any better about knocking my head against the wall for the past 25 years...