Joy

My son...who has become somewhat of a wise voice to me at times...had another talk with me about my depression and my latest round of crying. 

I don't like crying.  I remember one time sitting at the table for dinner (and I can see this incident like yesterday) and Troy had said something that hurt my young daughter's feelings AGAIN and she started crying.  So diffuse the situation, I looked at her and did my best impression of Tom Hanks from the movie "A League of Their Own" and said, "Crying?  Are you Crying? There's no crying in dinner!"  She started laughing, everyone started laughing and we ended up having a pleasant dinner.

It wasn't her crying that I didn't like.   It was his way of making them cry...and me too.  And I particularly hate that I cry now.  I wish I could really pinpoint why I cry. 

People tell you that a divorce is like a death.  You have to mourn the loss.  I think that is bullshit.  It feels more like a violation.  You trusted this person...you opened your heart, you shared EVERY PART of yourself, they got to know you intimately in so many ways and they walked away with all of that knowledge of you.  They walked away with all of this intimate knowledge of you...and it feels like you were violated.  Your trust was violated.  You were just violated in so many ways.  Like someone hacking into your life.  THAT'S what divorce feels like.  And THAT is why is has bothered me so. 

Everyone tells me to find something to do with my life that will make me happy...or I would like to do.  And for some reason this morning, I came across what I would like to do: Christian Life Coach.  It may seem ironic considering all I've gone through but getting certified would also help ME. 

I had a friend call me the other day asking me if he could talk with me about something.  He said out of everyone in his life, he thought of me because he said he knew I would listen and be able to give him some clues of what is going on and maybe what he needed to do to help the situation.  It was a situation with his wife of 30 years. 

I thought that was something.  He thought I was the person to go to.  I did listen and I did give him my thoughts on what happened and some things to do for them to help themselves.  He has been trying my suggestions and he says they have helped.  I hope it works...especially considering that I am walking blind.

So, this is something I am honestly going to check into.  I found a school to check out to get my certification.  I am going to read up on it some more.  I may be able to do it in conjunction with my church...considering they are sorely lacking in any kind of counseling.  There are lots of people that need it...counseling.  Heaven knows I could use some myself.