Silence Is Golden

My emotions are such a rollercoaster ride.  I think I am feeling better and able to cope and feel some happiness...then...WHAM out of nowhere I fall right back down the rabbit hole.  Tonight I am feeling somewhat better. 

I read something on an ex-fellow blogger's FB page about abusive relationships.    It outlined what an emotional/mentally abusive looked like.  I sat there reading down through the points and recognized my ex-husband and myself throughout the whole thing.  I just called him a bully.  I had no idea how far down I had sunk and did not know where I was going or why.  All this time I thought I was rescuing him while he was burying me.

Given that...I KNOW I am better off without him but I still have such depressing days!  I am mostly worried about what I am going to do next.  I am trying to convince myself that I AM still that person I was before I met him.  I am trying to convince myself that I am the person that everyone else sees me to be. 

There are little things like the fry daddy that I bought my son at a garage sale.  I broke my own rule about never buy appliances at a garage sale.  But...it was a small fry daddy and TJ likes to do fries and I get tired of him making a greasy mess all over my stove by using a pan of oil. 

So I got it home and scrubbed it up.  Plugged it in...and...nothing.  So I finally took a screwdriver to it, took it apart then scrubbed all contacts inside and out with a wire brush.  There was corrosion build up.  I also had to scrub off the inside of the plug thingy (and that is some real technical jargon right there).  I then plugged it in (after putting it all back together again, of course) and it worked!  Sorry people...I paid you $2 for that and it is mine.  No backsies.

I also found out the water heater has a slow small leak in the bottom of it.  Do you know what it costs for me to pay someone to hook up a new one?  Almost as much as the water heater!  I am pretty sure I can hook it up myself.  I have a manual!  AND I know how to check for a gas leak.    hhmmm...
I will think about it.  That is what I have to take care of next week. 

Still working on puttinig Bethany's bedroom furniture together.  Her boyfriend Jordan put her bed together.  It is a platform with storage drawers underneath.  I told him when he started it would be good practice for when he had kids someday.  By the time he got her bed together he looked at me and said, "I don't want kids...EVER!"  Ok.  I found a new form of birth control.  LOL

I got what I need to get signed up for more classes.  I am first going to take the first half of the Special Ed. Master's program.  This will add Special Ed certification to my teaching license and Intervention Specialist.  Then I can take the second half of the program later and get my Master's.

In the meantime...life goes on. 

So tomorrow I get a tooth worked on for a crown.  yay.  Then I am going to a Christian rock concert at our church with my son and his fiancé.   Wonder what my chances are of getting the ex monster spouse to pay for the crown on my tooth?

I also wonder if I get so depressed I start using crack then decide I need to get clean and end up at his place, knock on the door and tell him  I need someone to help me, what are the chances he will take me in?   okay...that wouldn't happen.  I can't imagine being so bad off on crack that it would mess me up enough to ask HIM for help. Bwahahahaha....